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I think I saw my son yesterday... that I never knew about

GCar

By GCar
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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
I think it's highly likely she had a thing for you back then and still thinks about you, with a child as a daily reminder. As such no coincidence she put her kid in a school across the street from your home. She is hoping for an encounter. For now she pretends to not see you when you see her.

 

I think this is whacky.

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GCar Member

GCar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You didn't even want him to exist, remember?

 

What 17 year old wants a child? Even adults suggest or think about abortion when they are panicking. Should ever person who has thought about abortion have no rights to their kids?

 

This!

 

It is right to expect a relationship after sex, especially the 1st time. You must fool her into thinking you like her and she can have a relationship with you, that was why she had sex with you.

 

Far from getting that, she even had to abort by herself. :sick::mad::eek::(:confused:

 

Except, she didn't abort by herself because she didn't have one. Had she of had one she still wouldn't have been by herself.

 

Yes, she did have sex with me because I convinced her that I liked her when I didn't. I admitted that and I know that was a jackass move. I heard that she liked me, and used it to my advantage for sex. Like I said, I was an ***hole as a teenager. After we had sex she assumed we'd be in a relationship and we weren't, when she got pregnant she assumed the same. Yes, I hurt her across the board. Again, I was a d*ck, I'm well aware.

 

If she doesn't work with you and make effort you're going to throw your weight around.

 

I have a 8 month old son... I would of hated going through pregnancy, birth and raising my child alone. Then years later the jerk that didn't want either of us just wants things done his way or he's going to do something.. Yeah all my resources would fight to keep you away from him.

 

Again please let her decide, let her be in charge. She suffered enough by you.

 

I don't want things done my way right away. If she is willing to work with me, then I'm willing to work with her. If she is totally unwilling however, then yes, I'm going to fight for the son that she hid from me.

 

I think it's highly likely she had a thing for you back then and still thinks about you, with a child as a daily reminder. As such no coincidence she put her kid in a school across the street from your home. She is hoping for an encounter. For now she pretends to not see you when you see her.

 

I doubt that. That seems far fetched.

 

She did have a thing for me in high school, when we hooked up. I doubt she does now. Even if she did, we haven't been in contact. She wouldn't know where I live. Even if she did, that would be an odd way of getting my attention. I don't even have kids in that school.

eightytwenty Established Member

eightytwenty

Posted
Posted
Even adults suggest or think about abortion when they are panicking. Should ever person who has thought about abortion have no rights to their kids?

Funny you say this. Me and my fiance were dating for 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. He asked if I would think about an abortion because our situation was crazy, living 8 hours away from each other and him freshly out of a frat house in college. I told him I wanted the baby. He could be there and have a baby with me or never contact me again. Well I'm sure you can tell which one he choose.

 

My mother also kept me very close to my bio dad. Same small town. He never came forward but I saw him a few times. She even pointed out my younger half brother to me. Not as my brother but told me about him... Very strange but when I finally met him, he wasn't a complete stranger.

aileD Established Member

aileD

Posted
Posted

I think you're going to have to build a relationship with the mom first and for awhile before meeting your son (if he is your son). Your fiancé might not like this but if she's willing to be involved maybe you could both work on hat relationship.

 

When the mom is comfortable that you are a changed man then she is more likely to allow you in her sounds life.

 

All this court nonsense isn't going to work . The best interest of the child isn't always to have both parents in his life especially if he doesn't know one parent.

 

Hopefully you won't have to get that far. Also, he's 8 and his feelings and wants are going to weigh into this as well. He my not want to meet you now. Or he may really want to meet you.

 

You should start a bank account now for your son. When you find out his name and other info you can change it over to his name but for now just start putting money in it every week/ month. When you work things out with the mom you csn transfer everything over to her.

 

Also. You better be prepared to be on this kids life forever if you're going to do this. What if she tells your"oh great to see you again but we are moving to china next week". ???? How will that affect your life now and what are you willing to do?

 

Start getting things ready behind the scenes with the bank account, telling the fiancé, drafting up and email etc.

 

I know you'd want DNA testing if she's says it's not your kid. I wouldn't let someone do that to my son even if I knew he wasn't the father. So you're going to have to find a way to do that and not make it a fight

 

Good luck

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted
What 17 year old wants a child?

 

She did. and you should have thought about that when you got her pregnant. She took responsibilities for the consequences and she preserved and treasured a life.

 

you didn't.

 

Yes, she did have sex with me because I convinced her that I liked her when I didn't. I admitted that and I know that was a jackass move. I heard that she liked me, and used it to my advantage for sex.

 

you devil. POOR girl :(

 

I doubt that. That seems far fetched.

 

She did have a thing for me in high school, when we hooked up. I doubt she does now.

I think you are right about this one. Only an insane person will still think about an ahole or want to have anything to do with him who treated her like that.

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted
If she is totally unwilling however, then yes, I'm going to fight for the son that she hid from me.

 

The only redemption for you now is not to do anything against her will. otherwise, you are still a Ahole.

 

Stop hurting her any further! :mad:

 

I think this is a very dignified and tough girl. (she stopped contacting/bothering you after you left her alone and dealt with it all by herself)

Sometymeswhy Member

Sometymeswhy

Posted
Posted
What 17 year old wants a child? Even adults suggest or think about abortion when they are panicking. Should ever person who has thought about abortion have no rights to their kids?

 

 

 

Except, she didn't abort by herself because she didn't have one. Had she of had one she still wouldn't have been by herself.

 

Yes, she did have sex with me because I convinced her that I liked her when I didn't. I admitted that and I know that was a jackass move. I heard that she liked me, and used it to my advantage for sex. Like I said, I was an ***hole as a teenager. After we had sex she assumed we'd be in a relationship and we weren't, when she got pregnant she assumed the same. Yes, I hurt her across the board.

 

 

I doubt that. That seems far fetched.

 

She did have a thing for me in high school, when we hooked up. I doubt she does now. Even if she did, we haven't been in contact. She wouldn't know where I live. Even if she did, that would be an odd way of getting my attention. I don't even have kids in that school.

 

 

To you it was a hook up. To her it was her first sexual experience with a crush. Very different. It's possible she has been thinking about you in spite of not contacting you. She has a daily reminder of you with her son. Shy people in particular will pine away for a lost love. For years. Happens. It's odd that she hasn't noticed you when you repeatedly see her. If you find someone attractive, someone who loomed large in your past it would be hard to look away if there was a chance encounter, so it seems purposeful that she doesn't.

 

It's so easy to track down someone's address online. Don't be naive about that. If you own your home even easier to look up a persons address. She probably knows you have a niece there at the school too. Hoping you'll attend an event there.

 

Her son is probably asking about his daddy. I'd reach out. Your fiancé will have to get over it. This is important. For you to come clean with your past and for the child to know his father. Sounds like there is no stepfather or any father figure. Be respectful and humble. This could be the beginning of an amazing relationship between father and son. Hope it works out.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
If she won't tell me if I'm the father what makes you think she will show me the birth certificate? Even if she didn't put my name on there, and she probably didn't, that doesn't mean I'm not his father.

 

You can get a copy. Again, it might have info you'd want to know before you proceed...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
dpass Established Member

dpass

Posted
Posted

If this woman really wanted to keep him from you, she would not have moved back to that city and would keep her FB totally private or non-existent. She definitely would not have mutual friends with you. I don't believe she plotted to move near you so you'd notice her, this isn't a romance novel, but she isn't totally against the idea of you finding out.

 

Who knows, maybe she is waiting for you to make the first step.

LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

Posted
Posted (edited)
What 17 year old wants a child? Even adults suggest or think about abortion when they are panicking. Should ever person who has thought about abortion have no rights to their kids?

 

 

I don't want things done my way right away. If she is willing to work with me, then I'm willing to work with her. If she is totally unwilling however, then yes, I'm going to fight for the son that she hid from me.

 

 

 

It really doesn't matter what other 17-year-olds wanted, as it relates to this case. What matters is that you didn't want the child when he was conceived and the woman you used for sex decided she did want him.

 

She didn't hide him from you. She told you he had begun developing and you wanted the possibility of his existence eliminated. I don't mean to be harsh with you but in order to understand the complexities of the situation it's important for you to set your desires aside and see it from a factual perspective.

 

From what you write it seems she lied to you when you asked if she'd gotten an abortion. That may have been her way of protecting the child and herself from someone she deemed, correctly as you have pointed out, to be a jerk.

 

However, you lied to her by presenting yourself as someone who liked her in order to have sex with her.

 

So, you both lied and here is what you're left with. This is a hard lesson to endure in order to learn the truth is always best.

 

The time to have fought for your son was when his mother told you she was pregnant with him. You missed your cue for reasons you have stated. However, you still may have an opportunity to know him if you quit putting yourself first and put the child first for a change.

 

Your son matters but what you haven't written in your post is your recognition that his mother also matters. She is the most important person in your son's life because she is the one who has sacrificed to give him life. He loves her and she loves him and has cared for him all these years when it was probably inconvenient for her.

 

Before you can ever expect to have a good relationship with your son it's important for you to respect his mother, the person your son loves more than anyone else.

 

Part of what it means to respect his mother is to respect her wishes about getting to know your son and to put her wishes above your own selfish wishes.

 

If she doesn't want you in her son's life, you can offer financial assistance. If she declines (because, after all, she doesn't need you now though she may once have) in your place I would give it some time before approaching her again.

 

You've admitted you were a jerk when you got her pregnant. She may need time to learn to trust that you have changed. The right thing to do for your son is to give his mother that time if she needs it. This is also a way to demonstrate to her that you have changed. If she decides she does not want you in their lives, pray your son will come looking for you when he's 18 but don't take her to court. That is no way to prove you love your son or respect his mother because it would bring turmoil into the life of your son's mother and would therefore bring tension and stress into the life of your son as a result of their close relationship. What you do to her will affect his well being.

 

You can approach him when he's 18 to get to know him then.

 

If she doesn't want you in his life now, there are steps you can begin now to show him at a later time how much he means to you and thereby possibly win a relationship with him.

 

Here is what I would do in your place to show him what he means to you at a later point:

 

1. Offer financial assistance to his mother though I doubt she'll take it.

 

2. Begin writing a journal to him/about him documenting your process of coming aware of his existence and adding to it as time goes by. This will help you process your feelings and will be a treasure trove for him when he reads it if he should allow you into his life when he's an adult. It will also show him you respected both his mother and him by abiding by her wishes though you cared deeply about him and would liked to have been in his life.

 

3. If you ever contact him later on you can show him your journal documenting your thoughts about him and the fact you sought to get to know him but that you had disrespected his mother at one time, become very sorry about that and that you had become a better person and wanted to respect his mother's wishes not to contact him until he became an adult.

 

Understand that your son loves his mother very much and that the way you treat her will have a great bearing on the way he receives you.

 

If you respect her, you may have the opportunity to know your son.

 

This woman meant very little to you at one time.

 

But, now she is a VIP to both you and your son. You have little choice but to treat her that way if you ever want a relationship with your son.

 

And taking her to court is no way to show your respect for her. You'd best treat her very well and respect whatever she decides.

 

Hopefully, for all of you if you are indeed ready to step up to the plate and put the needs of your son's mother and your son's needs above your own, she will decide to allow you to be a part of his life.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
  • Like 3
Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry to be harsh, but it seems to me that your 25 years old self isn't that different from your 17 years old self... You only thought about your own interests back then and you still do now.

 

Unless the speculations are right and she wants to be found by you, I couldn't imagine having to deal with a guy who used me, got me pregnant and left me to deal with such a tough life's challenge all by myself. She had to take care of a newborn baby while graduating, a small child while going to college - those years were certainly little sleep and tons of works. And then you show up "fighting for your son" and taking her to court. I would be furious if I were her.

 

You have to be as humble as possible when you approach her! You have to redeem yourself first and find out if being in your son's life is even possible. What if he has a dad and knows nothing about you? Will you disrupt his life? He's not that small, 8 years is enough to be devastated about such a life change!

 

I really hope you'll approach this the right way. Without the entitlement you're showing in your posts which you really have no right to. I hope you'll be humble and have the interests of your child as priority, not your pride.

Sorry again for a harsh post, it's just my opinion.

  • Like 8
mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

This is something you need to do for yourself and the child.

 

Don't jump in without emotional preparation. Baby gloves for both your son and his mother. Such situations sometimes grow up a person overnight with sense of responsibility, duty and protectiveness.

 

Keep money out of it. Take it extremely slow. Don't take haste decisions.

lucy_in_disguise Established Member

lucy_in_disguise

Posted
Posted (edited)

Personally I think it's messed up that she didn't tell you she was keeping the baby. You were a jerk to her but not giving you the chance to be a father to your child is a far bigger betrayal imo. You hurt her feelings but that does not give her the right to weigh revenge by keeping you from your child. The child has the right to know his father, as well as benefit from financial support. Plenty of children are born into contentious relationships where the romance has fallen apart, or one or both parents is not sure they even want to be parents. If that gave every woman a pass to keep the kid for herself, we would have even more fatherless children.

 

I think it was a reasonable assumption for the Op to make that she got an abortion when she said she was going to. Should he have followed up? Probably. But I think most would assume the woman would let them know she was keeping it. Imo that's the right thing to do, excepting cases of rape.

 

That being said, I agree, you need to tread lightly. The best outcome would be to build a relationship with your son with her blessing, and you will need to convince her that this is something she wants after all those years of raising him alone. It will be a challenge for everyone but if shes open to what is best for her son, and you are genuine in your intentions and committed, I think it can work.

Edited by lucy_in_disguise
eightytwenty Established Member

eightytwenty

Posted
Posted
Personally I think it's messed up that she didn't tell you she was keeping the baby. You were a jerk to her but not giving you the chance to be a father to your child is a far bigger betrayal imo. You hurt her feelings but that does not give her the right to weigh revenge by keeping you from your child. The child has the right to know his father, as well as benefit from financial support. Plenty of children are born into contentious relationships where the romance has fallen apart, or one or both parents is not sure they even want to be parents. If that gave every woman a pass to keep the kid for herself, we would have even more fatherless children.

.

 

 

I don't know if it's because I'm a new mom, or I was fully set to do what was needed if my then boyfriend didn't want to be a father. If any boy laughed at me and told me to get a abortion without even talking to me, or atleast offering to go to a clinic with me, then why would he have any right to know what I do. It's not a betrayal to me because it made it fully known he didn't care for me or the child.

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GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted

I'm amazed at the number of people who are ganging up on OP...

 

While I agree it's douchy of him to not to check up on her after wards to make sure she was ok after the abortion, you can't really blame a 17 year-old boy for acting the way he did.

At least now, he is willing to step up and take responsibility right after just finding out the kid may be his.

 

There are plenty of men who walk away from a pregnant women knowing she is keeping the baby. He walked away thinking she was getting an abortion.

He gets to at least know if the kid is really his and if he is, get a shot at a relationship with him.

 

I'm sure both him and the mother will be able to handle things like the adults they have become.

  • Like 3
eightytwenty Established Member

eightytwenty

Posted
Posted
I'm amazed at the number of people who are ganging up on OP...

 

While I agree it's douchy of him to not to check up on her after wards to make sure she was ok after the abortion, you can't really blame a 17 year-old boy for acting the way he did.

At least now, he is willing to step up and take responsibility right after just finding out the kid may be his.

 

There are plenty of men who walk away from a pregnant women knowing she is keeping the baby. He walked away thinking she was getting an abortion.

He gets to at least know if the kid is really his and if he is, get a shot at a relationship with him.

 

I'm sure both him and the mother will be able to handle things like the adults they have become.

 

 

 

I don't think it's ganging up. I think it was the, If she doesn't make try with me I'll go to court over my son, that put some of us on edge. Given if he does try for awhile (like a year) to show the mother that he wants to step up then yes I agree with him, wait till he's 18 or go to court, but going to court won't make his son want him as a Dad, and that will dramatically change the boys life. He is a child that has his own world, and everyone in this needs to remember that.

 

 

But he needs to show the mother he is going to step up and keep trying to prove it to her. Not being pushy but allowing the mother to start trusting him. I think she will if he does it the right way(just because she isn't hiding him like she could), just he needs to slow it down and think of the mother and his son in this.

  • Like 1
Giggle Established Member

Giggle

Posted
Posted

I'm an extremely quiet person and being confronted in person is a kind of hell. You're gonna lose your fiancé. There are different types in the world and she wants nothing to do with a son of yours. She will cause sooo much trouble.

 

The trouble with Facebook messages is that they get lost sometimes. I have a message that I found weeks later because the person wasn't a friend. Maybe write a letter, apologizing for being an ass. And go up to her, see if she wants to talk to you, if not, hand her the letter so she can read what you want at a time and place of her choosing.

 

It's gotta be freaky as hell to have you come into her life so late and randomly. But yknow what? It tears at me that my kids dad walked away. That they have no one else in their life. It's kind of a relief to not have to deal with him but I hate it for my kids.

 

And definitely can't be mad at her. She took you at your words that you wanted no part of it. Be prepared for her anger that now that she has her life together, you want part. It's very easily gonna be a mess. I hope for his sake it can be about him and not y'all a hurt feelings.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I think it was the, If she doesn't make try with me I'll go to court over my son, that put some of us on edge.

 

Agreed. And given the ability of change to scare people, I'd guess the mother's initial reaction will be to push back and deny. If he immediately starts talking about lawsuits and DNA testing, he'll make things adversarial quickly with the child caught in the middle.

 

Unless he's very careful and discreet, the net effect of his presence in their lives won't be positive. He has yet to demonstrate whether that completely matters to him...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 3
Mrin Established Member

Mrin

Posted
Posted

Hey OP. I'm not going to beat you up. Admittedly, I haven't read this whole thread. But here's my only suggestion for you:

 

1. When you approach her, start out by defining your involvement with her son as financial/child support. It is really hard for her to resist you wanting to become financial responsible for your child.

 

2. Only when you've achieved that should you start talking about playing more of a role in his life. In fact signal it only as a desire to play a role in his life - not even a request.

 

Here's why: it would be really hard for anyone to all of a sudden have you show up in her and her son's lives being all like "hey, I'm gonna be his daddy now!" First of all, you have zero experience being a dad. Like none. Second, you're disrupting a life that she's already created for him/them simply because you donated some sperm back when you were 17. If you did that to me I'd tell you to go F yourself.

 

But, if you do it the other way around and take responsibility, then more likely than not, she'll invite you into your son's life. Think of it like this... imagine trying to put a cat in a box. If you try to shove the cat in the box it will resist like no get out. It will bite the F out of you. But if you put the box on the floor, the cat will get in on its own accord. People are like that when it comes to disruption. You can't force it.

  • Like 1
Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted (edited)

One thing about the Internet is you can get a lot of ideas and options you hadn't previously considered.

 

First of all - slow down.

 

You've done some amateur sleuthing and there's some pretty good circumstantial evidence this is your son.

 

While you may not be made of money, this is the time to hire a private investigator. He/she may be able to get you some more information and not to go all CSI on you, but they may be able to get you a DNA sample. They should be able to get the birth certificate.

 

Next, if you have the proof he is your son, here are some other options:

 

1. Have a clergy person contact her. This is less threatening than a lawyer. They can present your case and offer without being threatening or demanding.

 

2. Send her a letter asking to meet for coffee. Apologize for being a slime in high school. This could be the hardest interview you've ever done. You only have a few minutes to show her you aren't the same jerk. If she doesn't mention your son, as hard as this may be....let it go. I do think that is impossible for you.

 

3. A week later follow up with another letter, telling her you know and want to be involved. Don't expect full immediate access or even unsupervised access or even to be able to tell him you're his father at the start.

 

You've put her through a horrible ordeal. She's crawled through a river of crap and built this life for herself. This is the privilege of manhood. You didn't want a child at 17, so you just didn't have one. She didn't have that option to just walk away and live her life. For whatever reason, she didn't want you involved.

 

The thing that runs through my mind is: you've known about this for eight years and never bothered to follow up. I'm a bit older...a lot older than you are and I'm female. I've gone back and apologized to those I wronged when I was young and dumb. I think you may need to take that path.

 

I was also horribly bullied and teased in school. I had one of my worst tormentors send me a friend request every six months or so. I finally sent him a message to the effect: I don't collect casual friends on Facebook. You were an ass to me in school, I'm not interested in knowing you as an adult. He did send a thorough apology and was mortified. He also admitted that two of his kids were being teased in school and he felt so helpless about it - and he knew he would be one of the bullies had his kids been in school with him. He loves them very much and enjoys that they are a touch nerdy, but still felt like this was some sort of payback for the fact he was a miserable child and young adult. This could be your karma calling.

 

Oh - and ditch the fiancée. You need a woman who can overlook your past and still love you. She isn't it.

 

PS SLOW DOWN

Edited by Lady2163
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GCar Member

GCar

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I wrote out a long, I'm talking 1.5 page typed, letter and wanted to give that to her. My fiancee read it, which in hindsight may have been a dumb thing to do but she wants full transparency here. And she thinks it makes me sound like I want to get together with the woman. I don't know if those are her insecurities or not, I assume yes because I made no reference to that. It made her insanely jealous and she made it pretty clear that if I give the woman that letter she's done.

 

I wanted to get that letter to her tomorrow, in one way or another. There were a few methods I came up with, but I don't want to freak her out. I tried to find her address but haven't had luck.

 

I could find her when she drops off or picks up the boy from school and give it directly to her. I could leave it in his locker or backpack with her name on it. I could leave in on her car. I know where she works and I could have it sent there.

 

I'm pretty certain at this point that proceeding with this is going to be the end to my relationship. I think I'm okay with that. I can't have her in the way of developing a relationship with the woman. Nor do I want my fiancee to scare her away.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I can't have her in the way of developing a relationship with the woman.

 

If I was your fiancee, I'd hope that sentence was a typo. And I'd be afraid it wasn't...

 

Mr. Lucky

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GCar Member

GCar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
If I was your fiancee, I'd hope that sentence was a typo. And I'd be afraid it wasn't...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I didn't mean a romantic relationship. If that happens, I don't know, great I suppose. But what I meant was a friendly relationship so she can learn to trust me and get to know me. If my fiancee is restricting me from talking to her or seeing her, or acting crazy, I won't get very far with knowing my kid.

dpass Established Member

dpass

Posted
Posted
I didn't mean a romantic relationship. If that happens, I don't know, great I suppose. But what I meant was a friendly relationship so she can learn to trust me and get to know me. If my fiancee is restricting me from talking to her or seeing her, or acting crazy, I won't get very far with knowing my kid.

 

This.... No. Can't happen. Your engaged and you think it's no biggie to fall for another woman? No wonder the fiancée is concerned. I'd like to know what the letter says if you think that is OK to say.

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GCar Member

GCar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This.... No. Can't happen. Your engaged and you think it's no biggie to fall for another woman? No wonder the fiancée is concerned. I'd like to know what the letter says if you think that is OK to say.

 

If it's what is meant to happen, then who am I to stop it. Maybe there is a reason she is single and appears to have been for a long time. Maybe there is a reason she hasn't tried to keep his existence hidden. Maybe there is a reason she moved back to this city, which has nothing special to offer - other than her kids father living there. I'm not going into this thinking that, but if it happens maybe that's how it was supposed to be.

 

The letter was written for her, not to make my fiancee happy. I apologized for abandoning her, told her a little bit about me now, thanked her for taking good care of him, offered help, apologized more, said I want to meet my son but will go at her pace, I left my phone number. It's hard to summarize, but if it doesn't get me anywhere I don't think anything will.

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