Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[VeveCakes]

others did....

 

and I'm sorry but those people would act that way with or without pot...it would be something else if it weren't the pot (alcohol, cheating, etc with those types).

 

To the three people you know there are hundreds of healthy functioning individuals who are heavy users.

 

I am not dismissing that it can be issue for some and they dont accept it - to each their own. But smoking pot does not make one "less than", or an unhealthy or bad individual whatsoever.

[Kamikazeed]

others did....

 

and I'm sorry but those people would act that way with or without pot...it would be something else if it weren't the pot (alcohol, cheating, etc with those types).

 

To the three people you know there are hundreds of healthy functioning individuals who are heavy users.

 

I am not dismissing that it can be issue for some and they dont accept it - to each their own. But smoking pot does not make one "less than", or an unhealthy or bad individual whatsoever.

Al three of them said the same thing to justify their use.

[Robert]

Let's leave the marijuana debate out of this thread. Thanks. ~6

[NTV]

It took me about 6 months to where the mind movies we're no longer debilitating. That was about the same time the good days and bad days turned into good weeks and bad weeks. The first 3 months will be the worst. That doesn't mean really later won't feel really bad. and it also doesn't mean that at times throughout the healing process you won't sink back into how you felt when you first found out.

 

heck at about 6 months out I thought I was starting to develop split personality disorder lol. Good thing I caught that... no you didn't... yes I did... I can't trust you you too good looking... I know that's the cross I have to bare. Ed about a year out I had him to myself an agent of chaos and had just started playing pranks on whatever helpless victim I could. That's probably just my own personal experience though I'm not sure how many other folks did that lol.

 

If two plus years out I'm close to being back to where I was. Then again I'd probably be further along if I hadn't tried to self-medicate with alcohol for a good two months there at the beginning. I thought I might kill the pain but it only made it worse the next day.

 

Somewhere along the line around seven or eight months and I was outside smoking a cigarette, and it hit me... ' hey wait a minute here... I'm freaking awesome. I was awesome before I met her. I was awesome well I was married to her. And I continue to be awesome with or without her."

 

The point is that mind movies do go away given time.

[NTV]

I also want to add that my timeline might not be your timeline. People heal at different rates and in different ways. It could be better or worse for you. My Hope Is you find our help to make it better for you than it was for me. Not that I didn't have the same kind of support.

[NTV]

Wow my autocorrecting smart phone totally hates the proper application of spelling and grammar lol. Or maybe I don't speak clear enough for it. Sorry about that.

[Kamikazeed]

Wow my autocorrecting smart phone totally hates the proper application of spelling and grammar lol. Or maybe I don't speak clear enough for it. Sorry about that.

No need for apologies. My autocorrect is messing me up too! More importantly, how is life for you now? Are you dating? Happily single? What's life like?

 

I'm fine as long as I'm busy. My nerves are on edge and I keep flushing bc of it, but unless I have long spans of alone time, I'm not experiencing too much despair. Of course, when I am alone and things are quiet, the reality hits me hard and I lose my composure, to say the least. I spent a lot of this weekend crying, but I also made sure to roller skate and attend parties and focus on living the life God had gifted me, screwed up as it is right now.

[NTV]

I'm actually still married. No cake walk there. I looked at missing half my kids life and out of desperation engaged in psychological warfare to the extent some here would call it emotional abuse to stay married with a postnup.

 

Still not sure that was my best path. I think regrets are part of either way. Others have said it before. .. trust takes a really long time to rebuild.

 

That may not even be an option for you. Even if it is it may not be what you want. I don't think I can truly pattern a divorce recovery path for you to take.

 

What I can do is share my story as much of whatever that helps. I certainly know the trauma of infidelity. I wish I didn't. That pain is shared whether divorce or reconciliation... even though I wish no one else ever felt it.

 

Really the biggest reason I'm here is to do whatever I can to help folks facing that first shock. Like an emt. I'm no doctor. Not even a nurse. My hope is to turn the pain I went through into something positive. Maybe that's a pipe dream.... idk.

 

Either way I'm here, even if listening (or reading I guess) is all I can do.

[Kamikazeed]

"I'm actually still married. No cake walk there. I looked at missing half my kids life and out of desperation engaged in psychological warfare to the extent some here would call it emotional abuse to stay married with a postnup"

 

Mind elaborating here? What do you regret? What paycholofocsl warfare, etc?

[NTV]

What do I regret? Lol should I make a list?

 

Again our situations are different. As part of the reconciliation process I had to accept that there was a good chance that it wouldn't work. In accepting that I mentally prepared myself for divorce. Divorce your mentally prepared and emotionally cut off from your spouse it's really hard to reconnect and rebuild that trust. It's hard to find Value in the things they do for you because you always think that there's some ulterior motive. And even when I do take the things she does or says at face value and the back of my mind they're still little voice that says she's only here because of the kids or the money or the lifestyle. Beyond that it's really hard for me not to feel like treated like a wallet with legs. I know the bill distribution is getting better but still... that feeling is hard to erase. Before today I thought nothing about sharing finances with her it was just par for the course part of being married. Now we keep separate accounts.

 

Beyond that there's still the selfishness involved with cheating... so when she does something or says something my 1st go to check it does this sound or appear selfish? Sometimes her very presence was a trigger by itself.

 

Earlier on and one of these web sites I read something... and I'm paraphrasing here but it was something like... I will know when I'm here because I'll be able to think about what she's done without any real pain... and I will know what our marriage is healed because I can once again take pride in being married to her... and maybe and I haven't waited long enough in the pride in the marriage will come back... idk. For the most part the pain is gone. It still pops up every now and again but nothing compared to what it was.

 

As far as the psychological warfare... I know how my spouse thinks better than anyone. I certainly know which buttons to push to make things happen. So on multiple fronts I instill doubt and her actions sadness shame Etc. I can't really go into hell without giving away who I am so I'm going to avoid that.

 

And it would be for me to say all that not say this... please give it some serious consideration on whether you want a truly truly stay married and can be a hundred percent in that marriage after what's happened before you do anything to try to start the reconciliation process has stop the divorce. It's very easy to reach for what you know when you feel like you're drowning to try to keep from drowning. The problem with that is there's no guarantee it will keep you from drowning or that you won't end up in the same situation again.

 

There's plenty of people that post on this website that are in the reconciliation process or in the divorce process. Plenty of other stories here to see. Tactics to observe and things like that.

 

Does that answer your question?

[NTV]

Wow... stupid phone butchered half of what I was trying to say. I will correct this afternoon after work.

[Kamikazeed]

What do I regret? Lol should I make a list?

 

Again our situations are different. As part of the reconciliation process I had to accept that there was a good chance that it wouldn't work. In accepting that I mentally prepared myself for divorce. Divorce your mentally prepared and emotionally cut off from your spouse it's really hard to reconnect and rebuild that trust. It's hard to find Value in the things they do for you because you always think that there's some ulterior motive. And even when I do take the things she does or says at face value and the back of my mind they're still little voice that says she's only here because of the kids or the money or the lifestyle. Beyond that it's really hard for me not to feel like treated like a wallet with legs. I know the bill distribution is getting better but still... that feeling is hard to erase. Before today I thought nothing about sharing finances with her it was just par for the course part of being married. Now we keep separate accounts.

 

Beyond that there's still the selfishness involved with cheating... so when she does something or says something my 1st go to check it does this sound or appear selfish? Sometimes her very presence was a trigger by itself.

 

Earlier on and one of these web sites I read something... and I'm paraphrasing here but it was something like... I will know when I'm here because I'll be able to think about what she's done without any real pain... and I will know what our marriage is healed because I can once again take pride in being married to her... and maybe and I haven't waited long enough in the pride in the marriage will come back... idk. For the most part the pain is gone. It still pops up every now and again but nothing compared to what it was.

 

As far as the psychological warfare... I know how my spouse thinks better than anyone. I certainly know which buttons to push to make things happen. So on multiple fronts I instill doubt and her actions sadness shame Etc. I can't really go into hell without giving away who I am so I'm going to avoid that.

 

And it would be for me to say all that not say this... please give it some serious consideration on whether you want a truly truly stay married and can be a hundred percent in that marriage after what's happened before you do anything to try to start the reconciliation process has stop the divorce. It's very easy to reach for what you know when you feel like you're drowning to try to keep from drowning. The problem with that is there's no guarantee it will keep you from drowning or that you won't end up in the same situation again.

 

There's plenty of people that post on this website that are in the reconciliation process or in the divorce process. Plenty of other stories here to see. Tactics to observe and things like that.

 

Does that answer your question?

Wow. That has to be so hard for you. I'll never understand how adults who recognize how much ugliness already exists in the world can hurt one another and bring more darkness and suffering to those they love. I try to teach my kids to be bringers of light and love. I cannot stop them seeing the darkness and hurt their dad has brought into our lives and your wife has brought into yours. None of it matters, though, and that's the hardest part of all of this. Their pain and loss, my pain and loss, our efforts to be a good family, my hopes for the future, all my research, theories, predictions; none of it matters. It isn't enough. Maybe he really does love her. Maybe I was the only one fully in our marriage after all. Maybe these last 12 years were all a lie. Maybe true lasting love isn't a thing anymore.

 

My sister-in-law called and cried with me last night. My husband had forgotten I even had a biopsy Monday, and telling her that made me so angry and miserable that I lost control. How does a person who cares even a little about another person forget they're in the midst of a cancer scare?? What kind of selfish bastard could do that? This is so hard.

[elaine567]

My husband had forgotten I even had a biopsy Monday, and telling her that made me so angry and miserable that I lost control. How does a person who cares even a little about another person forget they're in the midst of a cancer scare?? What kind of selfish bastard could do that? This is so hard.

 

When people check out, they check out. I guess, he is not thinking of you at all. He may still be in the basement but he is already away with his other woman, and his new life, you are already the ex, you don't matter.

He may have genuinely forgotten about the cancer scare in all the "excitement" of telling you about the affair and his plans to divorce you, or he deliberately just didn't want to get involved in case you, potentially being ill, would ruin HIS happiness.

He may however see the cancer scare as some sort of karma. Some men it seems never get over their woman cheating on them. They bide their time, then leave whenever an opportunity arises*.

 

Also people in the middle of affairs are often very selfish, it becomes ALL about them and so no-one else really matters.

 

*I guess some women do the same.

[sandylee1]

I probably sound pretty pompous right now. I'm trying to move on.

 

I think you are right to value yourself TBH. Men often struggle with a successful woman and feel useless knowing you're fine without them.

 

Once my BIL was working out of the country for a while. My sister got the grass cut, got someone to assemble furniture etc.. But she told him she did it all. He walked off in a huff and said apart from earning money, he wasn't needed around the place.

 

It's the male ego. My own brother says he'd never marry a woman who earned more than him (because they get cocky apparently ).

 

You know what your worth. Let him be with the the OW who probably worships him, because she's used to lower standards and he looks like a prince to her.

 

Don't let anyone here try and knock your confidence or tell you that you have an elevated view of yourself. If you don't value yourself, nobody else will.

 

File for divorce and coparent together.

[Popsicle]

The only thing I can say is that you married the wrong man.

 

And the OW would be marrying the wrong man too if she goes on to do that.

 

It may have been said already in this thread but I don't get where he is with the kids every other weekend if he still lives in the basement? Where are he and the kids during his time with them? You mentioned being upset that you don't get to see them.

[Popsicle]

Btw, he must be very good looking or something.

[ShatteredLady]

Because my husband used my health as his 'excuse' for dragging his ex mistress back into our lives I find it impossible to share my fears with him. I'm terrified! He shared incredibly personal & embarrassing details of my scars & surgeries with her in a mocking, derogatory way so I'm mortified to be seen naked. I could never be with another man after reading how I am/was seen by him.

 

I have very frightening & embarrassing symptoms from both my spinal degeneration & cancer but I have to keep it all locked away inside. I still have panic attacks, my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest. I silently sob to myself every single day.

 

I hear my H on the telephone to his family saying that my cancer 'scare' is all over now...he can't even remember the details or the number of surgeries correctly...I don't say anything. I'm glad that I wasn't diagnosed with cancer until after d-day & his NC (no contact) if it had happened before I would always doubt if he stayed because he would be judged for dumping his wife of 20 years with cancer.

 

I lie about what's said at my medical appointments. "It's all fine! Hunky dory!!". I wish I could share. I wish that I had a real relationship with a real husband. I want my best friend back but my 'friend' used my sharing as ammunition to kick me in the gutter to put her on a pedestal & deny his guilt.

 

It's actually a dangerous way to live. If I collapsed & couldn't talk for myself he wouldn't be able to tell doctors what symptoms I'd been experiencing.

 

Members here often say that although the affair is all the WS fault the BS must face their guilt in creating a marriage vulnerable to infidelity. It shatters me every single time I read it. I never 'took my pain out' on him or my family. He was never my physical care taker (I wouldn't have that!) he only took days off work to care for the kids when I was in hospital being operated on. I had many painful procedures done without anesthetic so I could drive myself. What am I supposed to do to fix my part in the whole ordeal? DON'T BE SICK!!!

 

I do have empathy for how stressful it must of been for him. I do understand how hard it is to have a wife who walks a little slower & has to stop to rest. I understand that his life is 'less' because of me but why not just divorce me? Now that I can add "in sickness & in health" to the list of vows he's broken it's pretty much a 'full-house' of betrayals.

 

Reconciliation is so bloody hard! I'm not sure how much pain any BS can truly ever 'get-over'. The resentments can build & linger. You reach a point where "because I love him!" starts to sound truly pathetic!!

[BTDT2012]

Because my husband used my health as his 'excuse' for dragging his ex mistress back into our lives I find it impossible to share my fears with him. I'm terrified! He shared incredibly personal & embarrassing details of my scars & surgeries with her in a mocking, derogatory way so I'm mortified to be seen naked. I could never be with another man after reading how I am/was seen by him.

 

I have very frightening & embarrassing symptoms from both my spinal degeneration & cancer but I have to keep it all locked away inside. I still have panic attacks, my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest. I silently sob to myself every single day.

 

I hear my H on the telephone to his family saying that my cancer 'scare' is all over now...he can't even remember the details or the number of surgeries correctly...I don't say anything. I'm glad that I wasn't diagnosed with cancer until after d-day & his NC (no contact) if it had happened before I would always doubt if he stayed because he would be judged for dumping his wife of 20 years with cancer.

 

I lie about what's said at my medical appointments. "It's all fine! Hunky dory!!". I wish I could share. I wish that I had a real relationship with a real husband. I want my best friend back but my 'friend' used my sharing as ammunition to kick me in the gutter to put her on a pedestal & deny his guilt.

 

It's actually a dangerous way to live. If I collapsed & couldn't talk for myself he wouldn't be able to tell doctors what symptoms I'd been experiencing.

 

Members here often say that although the affair is all the WS fault the BS must face their guilt in creating a marriage vulnerable to infidelity. It shatters me every single time I read it. I never 'took my pain out' on him or my family. He was never my physical care taker (I wouldn't have that!) he only took days off work to care for the kids when I was in hospital being operated on. I had many painful procedures done without anesthetic so I could drive myself. What am I supposed to do to fix my part in the whole ordeal? DON'T BE SICK!!!

 

I do have empathy for how stressful it must of been for him. I do understand how hard it is to have a wife who walks a little slower & has to stop to rest. I understand that his life is 'less' because of me but why not just divorce me? Now that I can add "in sickness & in health" to the list of vows he's broken it's pretty much a 'full-house' of betrayals.

 

Reconciliation is so bloody hard! I'm not sure how much pain any BS can truly ever 'get-over'. The resentments can build & linger. You reach a point where "because I love him!" starts to sound truly pathetic!!

 

I don't accept any responsibility for the part of what you said that I highlighted in bold. And neither should you. (Hope I am not violating any guidelines). I am so sorry that you don't feel that you aren't able to share your health concerns and challenges with your WH. And I pray that you have someone IRL to comfort you in dealing with this.

[sandylee1]

SL,

 

((((hugs to you)))

 

Ask yourself what kind of women would happily be involved with a man who speaks about his wife's operation scars the way he did.

 

That's one low life woman who would not shut him right down there and then.

 

The shame is his to carry.

[Kamikazeed]

Because my husband used my health as his 'excuse' for dragging his ex mistress back into our lives I find it impossible to share my fears with him. I'm terrified! He shared incredibly personal & embarrassing details of my scars & surgeries with her in a mocking, derogatory way so I'm mortified to be seen naked. I could never be with another man after reading how I am/was seen by him.

 

I have very frightening & embarrassing symptoms from both my spinal degeneration & cancer but I have to keep it all locked away inside. I still have panic attacks, my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest. I silently sob to myself every single day.

 

I hear my H on the telephone to his family saying that my cancer 'scare' is all over now...he can't even remember the details or the number of surgeries correctly...I don't say anything. I'm glad that I wasn't diagnosed with cancer until after d-day & his NC (no contact) if it had happened before I would always doubt if he stayed because he would be judged for dumping his wife of 20 years with cancer.

 

I lie about what's said at my medical appointments. "It's all fine! Hunky dory!!". I wish I could share. I wish that I had a real relationship with a real husband. I want my best friend back but my 'friend' used my sharing as ammunition to kick me in the gutter to put her on a pedestal & deny his guilt.

 

It's actually a dangerous way to live. If I collapsed & couldn't talk for myself he wouldn't be able to tell doctors what symptoms I'd been experiencing.

 

Members here often say that although the affair is all the WS fault the BS must face their guilt in creating a marriage vulnerable to infidelity. It shatters me every single time I read it. I never 'took my pain out' on him or my family. He was never my physical care taker (I wouldn't have that!) he only took days off work to care for the kids when I was in hospital being operated on. I had many painful procedures done without anesthetic so I could drive myself. What am I supposed to do to fix my part in the whole ordeal? DON'T BE SICK!!!

 

I do have empathy for how stressful it must of been for him. I do understand how hard it is to have a wife who walks a little slower & has to stop to rest. I understand that his life is 'less' because of me but why not just divorce me? Now that I can add "in sickness & in health" to the list of vows he's broken it's pretty much a 'full-house' of betrayals.

 

Reconciliation is so bloody hard! I'm not sure how much pain any BS can truly ever 'get-over'. The resentments can build & linger. You reach a point where "because I love him!" starts to sound truly pathetic!!

Oh I am so sorry for your suffering! It seems relentless! Big big hugs to you, my internet friend. I pray for spiritual and physical healing for you and your family.

[Mrs. John Adams]

SL...

 

You do know that none of his cheating is your fault...you know it... but you refuse to believe it... because that's who you are.

 

You know... he would have cheated whether you were Sick or not.. because that's who he is.

 

I have said many times the affair is not about the betrayed spouse...it is about the wayward. Somehow I don't think betrayeds hear it.

 

My husband had done nothing wrong...I looked for a reason to be mad at him...

 

Now I realize that is not always the case... but if I get one point across it would be for betrayeds to understand that they have to stop blaming themselves and taking responsibility for the waywards decision to cheat.

 

You my darling girl... did nothing wrong. Please please stop blaming yourself for his vile behavior.

[Kamikazeed]

I'm actually still married. No cake walk there. I looked at missing half my kids life and out of desperation engaged in psychological warfare to the extent some here would call it emotional abuse to stay married with a postnup.

 

Still not sure that was my best path. I think regrets are part of either way. Others have said it before. .. trust takes a really long time to rebuild.

 

That may not even be an option for you. Even if it is it may not be what you want. I don't think I can truly pattern a divorce recovery path for you to take.

 

What I can do is share my story as much of whatever that helps. I certainly know the trauma of infidelity. I wish I didn't. That pain is shared whether divorce or reconciliation... even though I wish no one else ever felt it.

 

Really the biggest reason I'm here is to do whatever I can to help folks facing that first shock. Like an emt. I'm no doctor. Not even a nurse. My hope is to turn the pain I went through into something positive. Maybe that's a pipe dream.... idk.

 

Either way I'm here, even if listening (or reading I guess) is all I can do.

 

it's not a pipe dream. You are helping me at least, and I can safely assume you are helping and have helped many others here. Thank you.

[Kamikazeed]

I don't accept any responsibility for the part of what you said that I highlighted in bold. And neither should you. (Hope I am not violating any guidelines). I am so sorry that you don't feel that you aren't able to share your health concerns and challenges with your WH. And I pray that you have someone IRL to comfort you in dealing with this.

I have read that several times too. People picking me apart: I'm self-absorbed, I don't love him, I should have been whatever, etc. it is very hard to read, and it is harder to get out of your head. When you love someone and trust him with your entire lifetime's happiness and companionship, then that person shatters your faith in humanity, THEN people with other agendas blame you, it's like the knife keeps stabbing deeper and twisting. I have to believe those people are wrong, just like our WSs are wrong. Blessings on you, friend.

[wmacbride]

I have read that several times too. People picking me apart: I'm self-absorbed, I don't love him, I should have been whatever, etc. it is very hard to read, and it is harder to get out of your head. When you love someone and trust him with your entire lifetime's happiness and companionship, then that person shatters your faith in humanity, THEN people with other agendas blame you, it's like the knife keeps stabbing deeper and twisting. I have to believe those people are wrong, just like our WSs are wrong. Blessings on you, friend.

 

In spite of what some want to believe, no WS has to cheat.they always have other choices, yet infidelity was the one they went with.

 

Your WH had plenty of chances to address his concerns over you cheating before you were married. He could have called off the wedding, asked for you to work with him to sort through his feelings, etc. He did none of that, and instead chose to get married, start a family and then pull the rug out from under you.

 

That is on him, and the excuse of " you cheated before we were married" doesn't wash. He's acting like a big baby, and one would think that, even only for the reason that you are the mother of his children, he should be concerned about your health. Right now, his head's too far up his rear to think of anyone but himself. He is not in your corner, and you can't trust him.

 

As per usual in these situations, he's got an ow his is willing to listen to the slop his slinging, but she's a big girl,and that is her own fault.

 

I know it's counterintuative, but you need to start the process of uncoupling form him. That means no conversations or niceties that are not related to your children. No doing favours for him, changing plans to accommodate him or anything else. Start living your own life.Spend time with friends, take your kids out to dinner and a movie, go on a weekend getaway with them,join a class on your own in a subject you have always been interested in, meet new friends ans start seeing this as the first day of the rest of your life- which will be as wonderful as you are willing to make it. Set boundaries in your life and stick to them. Get in touch with your own legal representation and find out what your rights and obligations are. Begin to make a plan for what your next steps will be. Doing that can help you feel more centered when your world feels like it's spinning out of control.

 

If you are a creative sort, channel some of your confusion into the creative process. Write, draw paint, sculpt, whatever. It's a great distraction and can help you work through some of the pain.

 

If it starts to feel like you are overwhelmed and beginning to shut down, please see your doctor and explain the situation. He or she has probably heard a similar story many times before, and can help get you set up with resources and support.

 

You will get through this. Get your support system in place and don't be afraid to use it. It's okay to depend on friends and family at a time like this. Even tough ladies like yourself need a good cry every once in a while.

[ladydesigner]

I don't accept any responsibility for the part of what you said that I highlighted in bold. And neither should you. (Hope I am not violating any guidelines). I am so sorry that you don't feel that you aren't able to share your health concerns and challenges with your WH. And I pray that you have someone IRL to comfort you in dealing with this.

 

Same! Best post ever!