Southern Sun Posted December 28, 2016 Share Posted December 28, 2016 This is a case where burning the bed makes sense. Who was it that burned their sofa in the backyard? Ha. I believe that was BetrayedH. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted December 28, 2016 Share Posted December 28, 2016 I had a now-married ex reach out to me and told him I was glad to see how much he's matured since he used to treat me like a princess most of the time and **** on his shoe enough of the time for me to walk away. There was mental and some physical abuse; he had me selling weed when he couldn't make the drop-off; etc. He told me that he went to college to make himself a man i would want to be with again and fell into a dark hole of drugs, etc after I made it clear I would not be with him again and became so serious with my stbxh. He fathered a child who gave him a reason to live and is now successful and clean with a wife and two other children. It's so much like my dad's story. It's unhealthy for us to chat like this because of our intense history, and I told him he should tell his wife about the conversation so that she doesn't end up in a situation like mine. He hasn't responded to that, and a ****ed up part of me wants to continue the conversation, but I won't. I know that ****ed up part of me is getting desperate, and I hate that about myself. Again, any advice is welcome. It feels like I'm alternating between feeling free and free falling. Cut contact with the married ex. He's a barracuda who smells blood in the water. Do you have one girlfriend who would be willing to talk to you and pray with and for you anytime? I also found that journaling helps. (((Hugs))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikazeed Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 Cut contact with the married ex. He's a barracuda who smells blood in the water. Do you have one girlfriend who would be willing to talk to you and pray with and for you anytime? I also found that journaling helps. (((Hugs))) I did. I told him i was working on being healthy and that talking to him was not healthy for me and that I hope he has a life of love and happiness with his family. I won't respond to any future messages. Too many old feelings there, and I know any contact with him will only make me crazier. He was my first real relationship, and it was tumultuous to say the least. My stbxh will be coming over to have the talk with the kids and figure out finances tonight, so I'll update about that after I'm focused enough to put it into words. Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted December 28, 2016 Share Posted December 28, 2016 I did. I told him i was working on being healthy and that talking to him was not healthy for me and that I hope he has a life of love and happiness with his family. I won't respond to any future messages. Too many old feelings there, and I know any contact with him will only make me crazier. He was my first real relationship, and it was tumultuous to say the least. My stbxh will be coming over to have the talk with the kids and figure out finances tonight, so I'll update about that after I'm focused enough to put it into words. Good luck tonight. Be careful about making financial decisions without the advice of an attorney. Emotions are high and it would be easy to make a bad decision. Try not to let the conversation get heated in front of the kids... I pray he is level headed enough to get some closure for you. Hugs, Tink 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 Yup. You gotta go through it. And numbing your pain with another man is tempting but rebounds don't last. You need time. If sex is an issue please yourself until your head is on straight. Thinking of you as you tell the kids. It sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 I did. I told him i was working on being healthy and that talking to him was not healthy for me and that I hope he has a life of love and happiness with his family. I won't respond to any future messages. Too many old feelings there, and I know any contact with him will only make me crazier. He was my first real relationship, and it was tumultuous to say the least. My stbxh will be coming over to have the talk with the kids and figure out finances tonight, so I'll update about that after I'm focused enough to put it into words. Good to hear. The last thing you need is another man, let alone your married ex in this mix. Rely on your women friends right now, lean on them. This married ex knows you're vulnerable and that's dangerous for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikazeed Posted December 29, 2016 Author Share Posted December 29, 2016 My 6yo son already knew we might not live together anymore, and he took the news that we definitely wouldn't really well. When I first talked to him about it, though, he said it was "the first sad day" of his life and he just "never thought we wouldn't all live here". I'll never forget those two sentences or his face when he said them for as long as I live. After last night, though, he's excited about possibly having a pool and getting two holidays each year ?. My 3yo daughter said, "I think you're lost Daddy", like holy insight, little princess! Then she kept asking why he was leaving and saying she didn't want him to leave. It was awful. I found out he has a lawyer now, so I'm not sure what he's wanting to fight me on (he says he just needs advice and can't get it from my lawyer, of course), but his lawyer said I would have to refinance the house and Jeep in my name. That is not what my lawyer said. She said it's common property and can be signed over, I think. Anyone know about this? I can't refi because we protected HIS credit all these years and let mine slip with the medical debt from having the kids. Even with insurance, I walked away from each birth owing thousands of dollars I didn't expect and we couldn't pay. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 30, 2016 Share Posted December 30, 2016 My 6yo son already knew we might not live together anymore, and he took the news that we definitely wouldn't really well. When I first talked to him about it, though, he said it was "the first sad day" of his life and he just "never thought we wouldn't all live here". I'll never forget those two sentences or his face when he said them for as long as I live. After last night, though, he's excited about possibly having a pool and getting two holidays each year ?. My 3yo daughter said, "I think you're lost Daddy", like holy insight, little princess! Then she kept asking why he was leaving and saying she didn't want him to leave. It was awful. I found out he has a lawyer now, so I'm not sure what he's wanting to fight me on (he says he just needs advice and can't get it from my lawyer, of course), but his lawyer said I would have to refinance the house and Jeep in my name. That is not what my lawyer said. She said it's common property and can be signed over, I think. Anyone know about this? I can't refi because we protected HIS credit all these years and let mine slip with the medical debt from having the kids. Even with insurance, I walked away from each birth owing thousands of dollars I didn't expect and we couldn't pay. Depending on the state-you could keep the car and hold him harmless. The house-typically they want you to refinance but like how can they make you if your credit is shot? If you're denied by a mortgage company then the court can't enforce that. I would have my lawyer include that the husband signs a quit claim to wife. Wife to refinance within a 6 month period at the current rate. Something like that. Ive known people who were suppose to refinance and didn't. Unless the other person wants to pay for court to hold the party in contempt then they get stuck. And if the mortgage company denies you then that's it. Of course they could make you try later. If those medical bills are not paid please insist he splits in the divorce! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamikazeed Posted December 31, 2016 Author Share Posted December 31, 2016 I had the worst dream last night. The stbxh was walking around with a promise ring from his new gf like we're in high school again. I was frantically trying to make him see that he's making a mistake. He was waving me off like none of it mattered. It seemed like the dream went on forever, with me as this desperate beggar and him as this Don with ladies promising their lives to him. Ugh. I don't know why this is hitting me so hard - I don't want him back. Probably just my pride. Still, this is so hard. He agrees I enabled him to smoke his years away, but I also encouraged him to go to school and seek better jobs and spend time with family and friends like I did. Where is the line between encouraging and nagging? I tried so hard not to cross it. Now it seems I should've crossed it? I don't know. I woke up to my daughter (3) asking me why Daddy's shirts aren't in the armoire. She had thrown up in the middle of the night, so I bathed her and cleaned all the bedding and had her sleep with me afterward so I would hear her in case she got sick again. I reminded her that he will live at an apartment and that she will have a space there soon. She crawled into my lap and said she didn't want him to leave. She's so little - I know she'll forget and we'll have to have this conversation over and over again. I also woke up to only half of what he owes me from last month's bills out of this paycheck cycle deposited to my savings from his credit card. He's screwing himself all over the place. I'm beginning to feel less like I want to help him and more just sorry for him. That, and disgusted by him. I had to make him get his freaking weed supply out of my basement where he had rehidden it since he doesn't have anywhere to live right now. Uh, sorry bro. Gtfoh. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted December 31, 2016 Share Posted December 31, 2016 Of course it's hitting you hard. It's a total shock and adjustment. You were going in one direction and you've had to abruptly change course. What's so admirable is your clarity. You see him and the situation as they truly are, which is helping so much. But you still need to grieve the life you thought you and your kids were going to have. Hang in there. You are way ahead of the curve in all of this. I know you're going to be one of those stories where you land quickly on your feet and everything will think, "What on earth was he thinking leaving her?" and also, "Wow, she's so much better off." Hang in there. It's OK to be angry that he's screwing up his life. You have kids together and you expected better from him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2016 Share Posted December 31, 2016 I found out he has a lawyer now, so I'm not sure what he's wanting to fight me on (he says he just needs advice and can't get it from my lawyer, of course), but his lawyer said I would have to refinance the house and Jeep in my name. That is not what my lawyer said. She said it's common property and can be signed over, I think. Anyone know about this? I can't refi because we protected HIS credit all these years and let mine slip with the medical debt from having the kids. Even with insurance, I walked away from each birth owing thousands of dollars I didn't expect and we couldn't pay. You need to speak to your lawyer again and find out what your husband can and cannot do legally and financially. Assume nothing. Your husband may be a bit of a "druggie" and an "air head" but that doesn't mean his OW is. She may be the tough cookie here and behind him now getting lawyered up. She has managed to get a MM away from his wife, which is no mean feat. Do not under-estimate her. YOU may have a fight on your hands here. He knew this was coming long before he told you, he and she may be well ahead of you in reality. Seek professional advice, the goal posts just changed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Hey how are things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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