Husband admitted affair, "loves" her and me too, can't be married anymore

[William]

I'll queue this for a moderator without the propensity to ban members to review. For those who offered advice and commentary within our guidelines, thank you and have a good morning.

[Robert]

Thread reopened with a handful of posts deleted. Apologies to the threadstarter for a disruptive member that will not be returning to your thread. ~6

[Try]

You cheated on him and the reason you gave/give for not wanting to do it again was that it hurt him, what? What that means you want to do it Again actually but only his hurt prevents you"no love right there thanks(

I call bull on you saying that her not wanting to "hurt" him was a poor reason for her not wanting to cheat on him, and that this somehow shows "no love right there". Studies show that most people at one time or another would like to cheat, but do not because of concern for their spouse.

 

the way you write seems very insensitive and unloving, and i think you are right, he does deserve better

Again I call bull. She is doing the best that she can to be strong as her husband actively continues his affair.

 

@OP: Ignore Noideanow and continue being strong for the sake of your children. You do not deserve him cheating on you. You are the one that deserves better. Be well and good luck.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Try

[Kamikazeed]

Theres a couple of things i think you get very wrong, and Will just mention a few on the run here: You cheated on him and the reason you gave/give for not wanting to do it again was that it hurt him, what? What that means you want to do it Again actually but only his hurt prevents you"no love right there thanks, yes the way you write seems very insensitive and unloving, and i think you are right, he does deserve better* btw to say you have allways been the stronger, right there you tell me one more time you never loved him, and the one you worship most seems to be yourself, sorry but i had to defend him honestly:cool: Learn from this and take a Deep look and feel at yourself and your thoughts:(

While I understand how you could read what I wrote that way and appreciate that you provided your honest interpretation, I wrote this angrily and in an attempt to salvage some self-respect. I'm telling myself these things, I'm sure, because I don't want to sink into a hole I can't trust myself enough to get out of. I love my husband very much and have always supported him. He admitted that he smoked pot to avoid facing how little he was helping me and how he was avoiding pushing himself like I pushed myself in school and home life and work. You think that makes me the bad guy. There are many ways in which I suck: I constantly stress about my weight, I work too much, I sometimes drink too much, I lose patience with my kids, I am incredibly indecisive about my hair, I forgot to put a coat on my son for their nature walk day at school last week, I don't coddle my husband when he gets sick, i have this intense need to fulfill the perfect image of my dead sister for my mother, I could go on from there. I need work too. Trying not to focus on my weaknesses right now, though, but hey: if you need to know these things and are judging me harshly anyway, I'll be an open book here.

 

Still, i have been a good wife to him for 8 years. That deserves more than what I'm getting, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

[Sweetfish]

While I understand how you could read what I wrote that way and appreciate that you provided your honest interpretation, I wrote this angrily and in an attempt to salvage some self-respect. I'm telling myself these things, I'm sure, because I don't want to sink into a hole I can't trust myself enough to get out of. I love my husband very much and have always supported him. He admitted that he smoked pot to avoid facing how little he was helping me and how he was avoiding pushing himself like I pushed myself in school and home life and work. You think that makes me the bad guy. There are many ways in which I suck: I constantly stress about my weight, I work too much, I sometimes drink too much, I lose patience with my kids, I am incredibly indecisive about my hair, I forgot to put a coat on my son for their nature walk day at school last week, I don't coddle my husband when he gets sick, i have this intense need to fulfill the perfect image of my dead sister for my mother, I could go on from there. I need work too. Trying not to focus on my weaknesses right now, though, but hey: if you need to know these things and are judging me harshly anyway, I'll be an open book here.

 

Still, i have been a good wife to him for 8 years. That deserves more than what I'm getting, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

 

To me honest, I think many men would kill to have a wife, women, and best friend like you. He screwed up BIG time. It doesn't matter how amazing you are, people in this world still cheat. Some people take the things they have for granted.

 

But at the same time stop seeking perfection. When you seek perfection something has to "give"

 

And my honest question to you is.... Do you really connect with your husband? At the end of the day do you really know his passions, needs and desires? Do you talk to him on that level?

 

Your best option now is to leave him alone and go forward with a divorce, I would get a GOOD lawyer as you are the bread winner of the family. Like you said, you are capable of %100 and now the marriage has been altered for life. No need to breakdown now.

[Kamikazeed]

To me honest, I think many men would kill to have a wife, women, and best friend like you. He screwed up BIG time. It doesn't matter how amazing you are, people in this world still cheat. Some people take the things they have for granted.

 

But at the same time stop seeking perfection. When you seek perfection something has to "give"

 

And my honest question to you is.... Do you really connect with your husband? At the end of the day do you really know his passions, needs and desires? Do you talk to him on that level?

 

Your best option now is to leave him alone and go forward with a divorce, I would get a GOOD lawyer as you are the bread winner of the family. Like you said, you are capable of %100 and now the marriage has been altered for life. No need to breakdown now.

The only passion I refused to share was the pot obsession. When he became involved in and so incredibly inspired by the Cursillo movement, I did too. I went on the women's retreat despite not being Catholic myself, and I worked for the movement until he lost interest in it and moved on to jiu jitsu. He loved that so much that I joined too. We alternated nights going bc of the kids but practiced the night's move together in our living room and even were saving to buy mats for our spare room so we could practice more together and with our son. He needed time with his boys and I never got in the way of that; I hung out with them too and had a good time when I was invited. He hated his job and I encouraged him to leave it and go back to school if he wanted or stay there and keep looking for another. Some people on here think I'm self-absorbed, but the people who know and love us think he is making the biggest mistake of his life and can't believe this is happening any more than I can. We had a strong relationship, and I worked hard to stay sexy and fun and playful and engaged in his life. None of it mattered in the end. it's so hard to swallow that.

[oldshirt]

Let him go and be with his ow. I fully expect it won't take very long before she kicks his sorry butt to the curb. Their relationship needs you for it to function, as many A's do.

 

 

This tidbit of important information is buried in the middle of another post and it needs to be brought out into it's own for further study.

 

Affairs NEED to have a couple things to survive. One is a marriage for the WS to hang his/her hat in and the other is a supportive BS. Without those two things the vast majority of affairs flounder and fail within a very short period of time.

 

It seems counterintuitive but it is true. If you were to divorce him and get him out of the house and no longer provide a marital home, intact family, comfortable lifestyle and financial resources for him, the affair will wither and die quickly.

 

90+% of affairs are about cake eating and not due to dysfunction in the marriage or wanting the AP over the BS. The vast majority of the time it is about wanting additional cake and eating it whilst enjoying the comforts, support and security of a marriage.

 

Take the marriage and the support system away, the AP quickly realizes that the WS really is a basket case and they don't want all the drama and hassle.

 

And the WS realizes that the AP is no longer fun and carefree and that life as a single isn't as glamorous and carefree as they were thinking it would be.

 

The loss of the BS's income, the combined resources, the 24/7 contact with the children and the burden of child support custodial arrangments take the fun and freedom and great sex right out of the affair.

 

The quickest and most efficient way of busting an affair is to divorce the WS and hand them over to the AP.

 

Once the A is busted, then you can decide if you want to continue on with your new life without the XWS or whether you will consider taking them back when they inevitably come crawling back asking for a second chance.

 

It's very very very important that the WS feel some very tangible, real-world hardships and consequences of their actions for a wreckonciliation to have any chance of success. Anything less and all it does is reward them for their bad behavior.

[elaine567]

We had a strong relationship, and I worked hard to stay sexy and fun and playful and engaged in his life. None of it mattered in the end. it's so hard to swallow that.

 

People who cheat, cheat because it is fun, exciting, naughty and illicit.

As you have found, you tried to be the perfect wife for him, yet he still strayed.

Too many I think lay the "blame" on the marriage and the BS, when cheaters simply want to cheat, they just like cheating.

Given the opportunity they grab it with both hands.

[NTV]

Sorry you experienced that kinda disruption here. The great part of this site is that you get a wide range of folks with different cultures experiences goals priorities etc. It's very very rare that folks agree on anything here lol. And just like the real world you have folks that haven't been there and don't understand what you're going through. There's also a section for ow here and I'd recommend you staying away from that forum for now.

 

Just tell me where you're at and what you want to talk about and we'll be here.

[understand50]

Kamikazeed,

 

I can relate a little to your husband. My wife also cheated before we got married. Her infidelity, did not give me a right to save up for an affair of my own. You both went into to your marriage with open eyes, he forgave you, and you have reformed and been a faithful and loving wife. The fact of your past cheating, has no bearing on his actions now. If this was such an issue, he should have worked with you to overcome it. He made Vows, and broke them. End of story. Do not beat yourself up on this. You kept to your vows, and was, and are faithful. He is just excusing his behavior, because in his deep soul, he knows he has messed up, and caused you pain and hurt, along with inflecting this on his kids.

 

You will still love him, but you know that he is self destructive, and your marriage is over. Move to divorce, and if in time he finally becomes a adult man and lives up to his vows and get off the drugs, maybe you will be there of him. I think not. YOU have kids, but are a strong and wonderful woman. Men will be there for you, and you will find the one that will love you, for just being you. Your future will be good.

 

I wish you luck......

[Kamikazeed]

Kamikazeed,

 

I can relate a little to your husband. My wife also cheated before we got married. Her infidelity, did not give me a right to save up for an affair of my own. You both went into to your marriage with open eyes, he forgave you, and you have reformed and been a faithful and loving wife. The fact of your past cheating, has no bearing on his actions now. If this was such an issue, he should have worked with you to overcome it. He made Vows, and broke them. End of story. Do not beat yourself up on this. You kept to your vows, and was, and are faithful. He is just excusing his behavior, because in his deep soul, he knows he has messed up, and caused you pain and hurt, along with inflecting this on his kids.

 

You will still love him, but you know that he is self destructive, and your marriage is over. Move to divorce, and if in time he finally becomes a adult man and lives up to his vows and get off the drugs, maybe you will be there of him. I think not. YOU have kids, but are a strong and wonderful woman. Men will be there for you, and you will find the one that will love you, for just being you. Your future will be good.

 

I wish you luck......

This is what I thought too. I learned so much about him and myself through my cheating. I learned so much about how much I love him too. It was the beginning of our relationship, and I was still coming out of my own self-destructive party mode. A+ student flunks out of college for partying too hard, drug abuse, etc. I grew when I saw him hurting. I changed. I think he could too, if he would just try. He won't, so I have to proceed with the divorce. I hate it for me. I HATE it for my babies. I know though that I do not want my daughter to grow up thinking women are weak or feeling sorry for me like I do for my mother. She watches my cheating dad's daughters every weekend. They aren't her kids. They are the same age as my kids, actually. When I told my parents what was happening, she cried and said she hopes he doesn't think I'm as weak as she is. My WH knows how it has hurt my mother and how it has hurt me to watch her become a shell of her old self in the face of my dad's infidelity. Still, he asks me to let him date another woman and stay married. It's incredible the depth of this betrayal. Incredible.

[Sweetfish]

People who cheat, cheat because it is fun, exciting, naughty and illicit.

As you have found, you tried to be the perfect wife for him, yet he still strayed.

Too many I think lay the "blame" on the marriage and the BS, when cheaters simply want to cheat, they just like cheating.

Given the opportunity they grab it with both hands.

 

I disagree with this statement.

 

People cheat because they have a lack of control and moral judgement. Sometimes at one point and sometimes as a whole. We are born to satisfy our selves. When a persons needs are not satisfy, they may seek outside the relationship.

[Sweetfish]

If this was such an issue, he should have worked with you to overcome it. He made Vows, and broke them. End of story. Do not beat yourself up on this. You kept to your vows, and was, and are faithful. He is just excusing his behavior, because in his deep soul, he knows he has messed up, and caused you pain and hurt, along with inflecting this on his kids.

 

 

 

I wish you luck......

 

Only if it were that easy. 2 of the most important women in his life, he has seen betray him. His mother as a child and as an adult his GF now wife.

 

This will have a profound affect on him. I think the biggest thing is people take their love ones for granted and desire more or different. They get use to the comforts.

[Kamikazeed]

Only if it were that easy. 2 of the most important women in his life, he has seen betray him. His mother as a child and as an adult his GF now wife.

 

This will have a profound affect on him. I think the biggest thing is people take their love ones for granted and desire more or different. They get use to the comforts.

I agree with you. This is why I wanted us to go to counseling and work on becoming better. I have issues too and want to continue growing with him. Him moving in with an OW who would **** a married man in a parking lot will not help him overcome this existential issue.

[NTV]

It kind of sounds like you're still in shock and trying to comprehend the magnitude of everything he's done. I went through that too. Mind movies are the worst.

[oldshirt]

The only passion I refused to share was the pot obsession..

 

I'm surprised no one has addressed the drug abuse in more depth.

 

This is a major issue on many levels.

 

When someone becomes addicted to anything, their development stops at that point. Lets say he was 19 at the point he became heavily involved in drug abuse, that is where his development stopped and he functions at the level of a 19 year old.

 

People's brains also do not function properly when they are under the influence. His brain cannot physiologically think, reason, analize or work the way an adult's brain should. He will also not be able to control his emotions or impulses or be able to utilize sound judgement while under the influence.

 

And it's not like all those functions will return the day he stops using. It could take many months if not years for his brain chemistry to return to a sound functional state after his last usage.

 

Addition and chemical abuse is a perfectly valid reason to get away from someone even if they are not actively involved with someone else. He is not capable of normal thought, feelings or behavior.

 

Without sound drug treatment and without getting off of all drugs, anything else that you try to do such as reasoning with him, counseling etc etc is all for not because he is not a normal, healthy, functioning adult human being.

 

If he is using drugs, there is nothing that you can do to make him a normal, healthy person.

[Kamikazeed]

It kind of sounds like you're still in shock and trying to comprehend the magnitude of everything he's done. I went through that too. Mind movies are the worst.

Oh they're horrible. I can't look at the parking lot without wondering is that where it happened the first time? I can't look at the pictures he's posting of him and my kids this weekend without wondering is he wishing shoes there? I wake up in the morning and before I open my eyes I see him caressing her and rolling around in bed. I look at pictures of the mountain vacation we took and wonder if he was just thinking about her the whole time we were visiting random hidden gems in the mountains and exploring together like a perfectly happy little family. I remember talking about how wonderful it would be when the kids are little older, not fighting in the backseat, how we could explore The midwest and the West Coast together, how peaceful and beautiful the drive through the mountains were. We had just signed for his Jeep because he had driven his dads for a while and fell in love with it. We were planning so many adventures in it, and after the divorce it will have to be mine, but how can I drive it and wonder how often she's ridden beside him in it in my place. We were looking into for person campers that fit on top of the jeep so we could expand our ventures beyond what's close enough to the hotel room. Will she get to do those things but this random woman be the beneficiary of the life we build together? My head constantly spinning. I cry and Rachel cry again, but held it together in front of my students my kids, and I made sure to go out and do fun things this weekend, like roller skate and attend the slinky party with my uncle and hairdresser friends. Still, the mind movies don't stop. It's torture.

 

How long did they last for you? When will I stop feeling this way?

[Midwestmissy]

It's just time. The impact lessens. I'm 2 years out, so much better. Imagine each trigger/image as a car driving past your window. Acknowledge, then watch it putter past. You can't hurry this process, recognize it for what it is - a trauma you need to slog through. I'm really sorry, but I and a lot of folks here will tell you that you will get better, this will get better and you will be okay. And it's the truth. But recognize that you're in the worst hell now, and that's a fact. You're normal, you're in pain, and you will get better.

 

Do one effective thing every day for yourself. Some days for me, it was folding a load of laundry. Or getting a pedicure. Or listening/reading about mindfulness. A walk. Something positive. The pain is so real, so take care of yourself. ((Hugs))

[elaine567]

Still, the mind movies don't stop. It's torture.

 

How long did they last for you? When will I stop feeling this way?

 

Its "just" grief.

YOU grieve for the things that should've, would've, could've been.

This is made worse for you because there is a third party, so jealousy and envy are also involved.

 

One day, unless you choose to wallow or to get stuck in a loop, you will achieve "acceptance", and it won't cut like a knife any more and you will move on.

 

The 5 stages of grief and loss are:

1. Denial and isolation;

2. Anger;

3. Bargaining;

4. Depression;

5. Acceptance.

People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.

[Kamikazeed]

Oh they're horrible. I can't look at the parking lot without wondering is that where it happened the first time? I can't look at the pictures he's posting of him and my kids this weekend without wondering is he wishing shoes there? I wake up in the morning and before I open my eyes I see him caressing her and rolling around in bed. I look at pictures of the mountain vacation we took and wonder if he was just thinking about her the whole time we were visiting random hidden gems in the mountains and exploring together like a perfectly happy little family. I remember talking about how wonderful it would be when the kids are little older, not fighting in the backseat, how we could explore The midwest and the West Coast together, how peaceful and beautiful the drive through the mountains were. We had just signed for his Jeep because he had driven his dads for a while and fell in love with it. We were planning so many adventures in it, and after the divorce it will have to be mine, but how can I drive it and wonder how often she's ridden beside him in it in my place. We were looking into for person campers that fit on top of the jeep so we could expand our ventures beyond what's close enough to the hotel room. Will she get to do those things but this random woman be the beneficiary of the life we build together? My head constantly spinning. I cry and Rachel cry again, but held it together in front of my students my kids, and I made sure to go out and do fun things this weekend, like roller skate and attend the slinky party with my uncle and hairdresser friends. Still, the mind movies don't stop. It's torture.

 

How long did they last for you? When will I stop feeling this way?

I was driving and using speech-to-text when I wrote the original, and it won't let me edit, so here's a version that reads quite a bit better:

 

It kind of sounds like you're still in shock and trying to comprehend the magnitude of everything he's done. I went through that too. Mind movies are the worst.

 

Oh they're horrible. I can't look at the parking lot without wondering is that where it happened the first time? I can't look at the pictures he's posting of him and my kids this weekend without wondering is he wishing she were there? I wake up in the morning and before I open my eyes I see him caressing her and rolling around in bed. I look at pictures of the mountain vacation we took and wonder if he was just thinking about her the whole time we were visiting random hidden gems in the mountains and exploring together like a perfectly happy little family I thought we were. I remember talking about how wonderful it would be when the kids are little older, not fighting in the backseat, how we could explore the midwest and the West Coast together, how peaceful and beautiful the drive through the mountains were. We had just signed for his Jeep because he had driven his dads for a while and fell in love with it. We were planning so many adventures in it, and after the divorce it will have to be mine, but how can I drive it and wonder how often she's ridden beside him in it in my place. We were looking into four person campers that fit on top of the jeep so we could expand our adventures beyond what's close enough to a hotel room. Will she get to do those things; will this random woman be the beneficiary of the life we built together for 12 years? My head is constantly spinning. I cry and scream and cry again, but have held it together in front of my students and my kids, and I made sure to go out and do fun things this weekend, like roller skate and attend a few swanky parties with my uncle and hairdresser friends. Still, the mind movies don't stop. It's torture.

 

How long did they last for you? When will I stop feeling this way?

[Kamikazeed]

I'm surprised no one has addressed the drug abuse in more depth.

 

This is a major issue on many levels.

 

When someone becomes addicted to anything, their development stops at that point. Lets say he was 19 at the point he became heavily involved in drug abuse, that is where his development stopped and he functions at the level of a 19 year old.

 

People's brains also do not function properly when they are under the influence. His brain cannot physiologically think, reason, analize or work the way an adult's brain should. He will also not be able to control his emotions or impulses or be able to utilize sound judgement while under the influence.

 

And it's not like all those functions will return the day he stops using. It could take many months if not years for his brain chemistry to return to a sound functional state after his last usage.

 

Addition and chemical abuse is a perfectly valid reason to get away from someone even if they are not actively involved with someone else. He is not capable of normal thought, feelings or behavior.

 

Without sound drug treatment and without getting off of all drugs, anything else that you try to do such as reasoning with him, counseling etc etc is all for not because he is not a normal, healthy, functioning adult human being.

 

If he is using drugs, there is nothing that you can do to make him a normal, healthy person.

He did say that he has stopped and doesn't want to "live in muddy water anymore". He's said that before though. Maybe the destruction of our lives will be enough to make him quit for good.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Triggers happen forever...they are memories....but eventually they lesson...both in severity and in your reaction to them.

 

You will never forget...but you will be able to control them better.

 

My husband still triggers even 33 years later....but it used to be so overwhelming for him...and now...i see it cross his face...but he does not go into deep depression.

 

A certain car, a particular road, an actor i said the om looked like, certain things i said...or even say, movies with infidelity in them.....

 

little reminders.....

[BTDT2012]

Kamikazeed, this is still all very new for you. The triggers will fade with time, I don't think they ever completely go away. Do your best to change your focus. Concentrate on you. Do something nice for yourself everyday. He has to want to be better for himself, not for you. If he feels inferior, that is not your doing. ((((Hugs))))

[VeveCakes]

Can we please stop referring to people as pot smoking losers.... smoking pot does not make one a loser.

 

Thank you...

[Kamikazeed]

Can we please stop referring to people as pot smoking losers.... smoking pot does not make one a loser.

 

Thank you...

I've never called him that, but I can absolutely attest to pot's ability to keep a man or woman from becoming as involved and successful as (s)he otherwise could be. I've watched three families fall apart because of a husband's self-serving pot addiction. I know I will not date a perpetual user again. Ever. Even my husband knows it has been his way of escaping responsibility and pretending the status quo was good enough instead of having ambition, thus placing more financial and housekeeping strain on me, and has admitted it several times. The thing is, he had a change of heart at Cursillo two years ago, quit smoking, and became a more active, happy, and wonderful husband and father than he had ever been before. It lasted a year, then he got nauseous a few times and smoked to relieve that, then completely backslid into smoking every day, and now this. My problem with drugs like that is not that they are inherently evil or that they ruin every user's life, but they make it much much easier to become so self-involved and self-serving that the user can justify nonchalant mistreatment of those around him.

 

What do I know, though, right?

 

And to be fair and clear, I have smoked my share. I do not do it daily, monthly, or even yearly, despite its perpetual presence in my home. I do sometimes use CBD oil for nausea. I do not hate pot or pot smokers, and I do not think all are losers. I know what I've watched it for the last decade do to three families very close to me, though, and pot is definitely the common denominator.