Author Jimmyjackson Posted December 23, 2016 Author Share Posted December 23, 2016 I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm in real pain too. Hang in there. Thanks, I am quite a bit yeah. Sucks when she probably isn't either... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2017 Author Share Posted January 1, 2017 So it's New Years day here in England, I have spent it alone at home feeling lonely and what not. I just got a text from, well, guess who? It says "You out? X". Do I reply or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted January 1, 2017 Share Posted January 1, 2017 No, do not answer. She is just making sure that you are thinking about her. If she felt the same way as you do, she'd be with you right now....but she isn't. If it's any consolation, you are not the only one spending NYE at home alone. It's the end of what, for many people, has been a rough year. Tonight is a good time to reflect on lessons learned, grieve loss, say goodbye to the past, & plan for the new year. Make the most of it! Happy New Year Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2017 Author Share Posted January 1, 2017 (edited) No, do not answer. She is just making sure that you are thinking about her. If she felt the same way as you do, she'd be with you right now....but she isn't. If it's any consolation, you are not the only one spending NYE at home alone. It's the end of what, for many people, has been a rough year. Tonight is a good time to reflect on lessons learned, grieve loss, say goodbye to the past, & plan for the new year. Make the most of it! Happy New Year Hi, well I did reply and we exchanged 3/4 texts each. Was mostly small talk, her telling me she was a bit drunk, she was hoping I was ok - I told her I was good. She also told me she is going to send my book back to me soon and I just said thanks. She then said she felt so bad for how she handled things and wished she was a lot nicer to me (Guilt?)...she was nice to me to be honest so I don't know why she said that and as far as a break up goes she couldn't have been nicer I guess, didn't go cold or anything on me. I just said it makes no difference now I guess, she decided to end it and that's all that mattered. Then that was the last of the texts. I felt pretty much the same way I did before the contact last night after it ended, so I thought I'd sleep on it and see how I felt today and I feel the same I guess so I haven't lost or gained anything. You are right though, I know this girl isn't coming back to me. At the moment I am wearing a chastity belt (not literally) and taking a break from girls. I feel it is in my best interests. Happy New Year! Edited January 1, 2017 by Jimmyjackson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Why do I still miss her/have feelings for her? It's been two months...we only dated for three...this isn't healthy right? Admittedly, I am doing a lot better than I was, I don't think about her constantly anymore, I have no urge to contact her or anything. But I do still have this small amount of hope that she'll reach out like she has done in the past two months - again. I am in NC by the way, just can't seem to push her out of my mind, she was such a great girl...I feel pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) So I was out drinking last night and I get a text from her; just a random emoji. It's the first time she's reached out since New Years. I sent a random one back, this went back and forth two or three times. I then sent her a picture of me and my friend and she replies saying I look really handsome. Anyway, we exchange general texts here and there and at the end of my night I ended up going to her flat and talking to her for like 2 hours. A lot of the chat was just general stuff like what we've been up to. I told her I'd been on a couple of dates and she said she hadn't been with anyone and last night was the first time she'd gone out properly since she ended things with us. I was really drunk and kinda made it obvious that I had feelings for her still (mistake I know). I didn't come out and say it but I was kinda hinting at it. She could see I was a bit bothered and walked over to me, hugged me and kissed my head. She basically repeated what she had told me in November, she wanted to be by herself and has been spending a lot of time on her own since she ended it. She said she was sorry it was just how she felt and I said fair enough. She said that she had been with her ex since she was 18 through to 21 and went through adolescence with him, she feels she needs to be by herself still and not 'attached' to someone. She didn't want to bounce from one relationship to another. She also mentioned she still feels a bit unstable mentally and that her dad died two weeks ago. She did have a terrible relationship with him but she flew out to another country on her own to attend his funeral. I ended up sleeping on her sofa as I was 50 miles from my home. I was supposed to be sleeping at my best friends who also lives in the same city but I lost him and he lost his phone last night so I had no method of contact. I woke up this morning, we hugged, I left and went to grab my train home. It felt weird being in her company and staying at her flat as it was completely different to what it was the last time I was around her. It was completely platonic and it felt strange not sleeping next to her etc. I guess this post is a little pointless as things haven't changed. I just thought I'd update since its the first time I've seen her since she ended things. I know it was daft of me to go to hers and discuss my feelings I just felt I might not see her again so there was my chance, test the waters and see if anything had changed. I guess I had built it up in my head that we'd bump into each other in a few months time and it would all be great again, I made a mistake thinking like this. I feel emotional today, partly due to this but obviously me being hungover doesn't help either. I've been feeling emotional when I've been hungover a lot this past few months. It was only a three month thing and here I am in Feb still bothered by it, especially after last night I feel like I need to really get my head in gear and move on completely now. I just don't understand why she only ever bothers to reach out when she's drunk, she never has done sober. Oh well, back to NC. I do NC and feel ok for the most part, but all these feelings came rushing back once I saw her face again. It really sucks wanting something you can't have, I know there is no chance I'll ever have her the way I want her. What bothers me them most is I've been single for 2 and a half years now, I want to meet someone and have that company in my life. I met someone who was perfect for me but now it's gone I just feel even more lost/hopeless. I know logically I need to get past this fantasy to meet someone else but I still want this girl. I'm such a pathetic idiot. Edited February 19, 2017 by Jimmyjackson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 I just talked to my dad on the phone and he made me feel a bit better. He pointed out the positives in my life. He advised that I text her and ask her to stop texting me when she's drinking and to only contact me if she has had a change of heart. I told him I Will say this if she does reach out again, but he thinks that I should do it now, while sober. Bad idea, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LitTunnel Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Smart idea. This is what I would say... "Hey [insert her name] It's been nice being together but I think it's best we stop contact for good. You're awesome, don't get me wrong, but this is going nowhere. If you find yourself, only then, call me, I would love to hear from you, until then please respect my wishes as I know you will. Best of luck." She's definitely stringing you along bro. I can feel your pain. Just ride the waves of unfathomable emotions. Eventually you'll get out of it. Btw, I'm in the same boat as you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 Smart idea. This is what I would say... "Hey [insert her name] It's been nice being together but I think it's best we stop contact for good. You're awesome, don't get me wrong, but this is going nowhere. If you find yourself, only then, call me, I would love to hear from you, until then please respect my wishes as I know you will. Best of luck." She's definitely stringing you along bro. I can feel your pain. Just ride the waves of unfathomable emotions. Eventually you'll get out of it. Btw, I'm in the same boat as you. I was thinking of drafting the text and putting it in my 'notes' on my iPhone. Next time she reaches out I can copy and paste it and send it. We've been apart longer than the 'relationship' itself, yet somehow I am still fixated on her despite not contacting her and what not. I'm at a point now where it is actually beginning to drive me insane, I just want her out of my mind. She says she doesn't want to be with me yet texts me when drunk, I get that it's for an ego stroke or whatever. But regardless of her intentions, she still thinks of me enough to reach out. Surely if she was indifferent she wouldn't even bother? She wouldn't need the contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 I've drafted a message but I'm scared to send it, It might sound weird but I feel like once I've sent it it's done for good. I know that sounds silly considering it is anyway but I guess I didn't realise I had been holding onto hope a little bit. It feels like it would be the final nail in the coffin. Should I send it now or wait to send it when/if she reaches out again? Link to post Share on other sites
LitTunnel Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I was thinking of drafting the text and putting it in my 'notes' on my iPhone. Next time she reaches out I can copy and paste it and send it. We've been apart longer than the 'relationship' itself, yet somehow I am still fixated on her despite not contacting her and what not. I'm at a point now where it is actually beginning to drive me insane, I just want her out of my mind. She says she doesn't want to be with me yet texts me when drunk, I get that it's for an ego stroke or whatever. But regardless of her intentions, she still thinks of me enough to reach out. Surely if she was indifferent she wouldn't even bother? She wouldn't need the contact? Ya, as I mentioned I too am in the same boat. I pretty much got cheated on and dumped. Where you and I are the same is that I too desperately clinged to hope that we would get back together. Day in, day out, every hour, every minute, every second just constantly thinking of them. You're not alone bro. Only mine has been for the last 8-9 months! Yes, it's gotten better but the constant loop of thoughts is still there. Don't trip. I too thought I was going insane, still do at times but it's really telling more about us than them from my understanding of it. Take it day by day bro. If you have a good job then you can afford to buy new clothes, go out, meet new women, vacation. This is probably the best cure; replace that confused and lost woman with someone who actually is willing to commit. They're out there so don't fool yourself. You and I must stop putting our exes on this high and mighty pedestal. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the truth. I bet if you met an amazing woman today you would quickly lose interest in this woman whose been playing games with you. That's just not cool of her so do your best man, get back out there and back on the horse. Again, I know it's easier said than done but just try, just try. And who cares if you fail. Who cares if you break down. Who cares if you rage. Who cares if you feel depressed, bro, you're human so accept it for what it is and don't fight your emotions. You and I WILL prevail!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LitTunnel Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I've drafted a message but I'm scared to send it, It might sound weird but I feel like once I've sent it it's done for good. I know that sounds silly considering it is anyway but I guess I didn't realise I had been holding onto hope a little bit. It feels like it would be the final nail in the coffin. Should I send it now or wait to send it when/if she reaches out again? The problem with waiting for her to reach out to send it is you don't know when she will. It could be today, tomorrow, next week, next month, 6 months, who knows when she'll text you next. So you mean to tell me you're willing to now pin your hopes on her to text you so that you can finally send it out? This is going to mean you're still hanging on to her until that moment which equals misery. I would send it now. Get it over and done. Bro, you need to start your moving on and healing process asap. She really has gotten to you so you can't afford to wait any longer. You'll feel better man. It's going to suck at firdt, no doubt, but in time it'll work for your best interest. And if for whatever reason she still responds with a lolly-dolly attitude, don't respond! At all! The only grounds to working something out with her is if she basically begs to get with you, meaning she would literally say "Im willing to do whatever it takes" kinda talk. Other then that reply to nothing. Disappear like a ghost. Who knows maybe in a few months she'll respond with the whole "I'll do whatever it takes to make this happen" talk. And ONLY at that point you can initiate contact. And even then I would still be cautious. Good luck man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 The problem with waiting for her to reach out to send it is you don't know when she will. It could be today, tomorrow, next week, next month, 6 months, who knows when she'll text you next. So you mean to tell me you're willing to now pin your hopes on her to text you so that you can finally send it out? This is going to mean you're still hanging on to her until that moment which equals misery. I would send it now. Get it over and done. Bro, you need to start your moving on and healing process asap. She really has gotten to you so you can't afford to wait any longer. You'll feel better man. It's going to suck at firdt, no doubt, but in time it'll work for your best interest. And if for whatever reason she still responds with a lolly-dolly attitude, don't respond! At all! The only grounds to working something out with her is if she basically begs to get with you, meaning she would literally say "Im willing to do whatever it takes" kinda talk. Other then that reply to nothing. Disappear like a ghost. Who knows maybe in a few months she'll respond with the whole "I'll do whatever it takes to make this happen" talk. And ONLY at that point you can initiate contact. And even then I would still be cautious. Good luck man! I know you're right 100%, I'm just really scared to send it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 You and I must stop putting our exes on this high and mighty pedestal. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the truth. I bet if you met an amazing woman today you would quickly lose interest in this woman whose been playing games with you. That's just not cool of her so do your best man, get back out there and back on the horse. This is what I struggle with the most, we weren't together long enough for me to see her bad side so I always see her as a fantasy almost. Not only was she the best looking girl I've been with by far, but also the best in terms of personality. Because it ended so soon I didn't see her 'true' side I guess, when people say 'focus on the negatives', I literally can't because it wasn't long enough for any to appear. You are right yes, I just have no interest in other women, keep comparing them to this one and thinking 'meh'. Link to post Share on other sites
LitTunnel Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I know you're right 100%, I'm just really scared to send it. It's totally understandable. But send it anyways! Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Sorry for the long post in advance... I met this girl three months ago when I was out with friends, I didn't know who she was we just met and got talking. I spent the rest of my night with her that night and we kissed a lot, I stayed at her flat but nothing happened. The next morning she asked if I'd see her again and I said yes, I really liked this girl straight away, we had so much in common and she was everything I wanted in a girl pretty much. We dated for three months and it was great, I'd been single for two years and had been getting a bit frustrated that I couldn't find anyone that peaked my interest and she came along. She had only been out of a three year relationship about a month or so which I think was a red flag. She had broken up with him and he also lives in another country. After about two months we still hadn't had sex although we'd done everything else. We would fool around, It would be hot and heavy but when we went to properly have sex, she would get this mental block. She could tell I was getting a little frustrated so decided to open up to me and informed me she was raped when she was younger and it also nearly happened a second time with a random stranger in the street. They both happened 4 years ago and she took a year out from guys, she has only been with one guy since it happened (her ex), she has suffered from anxiety and depression and was on meds for this for a year. When she was in school she also seen a psychologist as the school were worried she was too socially withdrawn. We had one argument in our time together which was last week, I got far too drunk on her birthday last weekend and in turn she had to look after me which obviously annoyed her, she really had a go at me and afterwards she said she realized she was still highly anxious. Come Monday she told me she wanted to talk so I called her, she informed me that she had forgiven me for my antics but she wasn't sure what she wanted. She asked if we could meet on Tuesday to discuss it properly in person so I agreed. I went to hers and we talked, she basically told me that she's been very anxious again recently and it's affecting her life, she has just handed in her notice at work too because of this and is also struggling with her last year at university. Her flat mate has recently got a boyfriend and she said she is glad because it means she can spend plenty of time alone. She said she really likes me and finds me attractive, but it's not fair on me as she doesn't know when she will feel "right" again and didn't want to keep me waiting for sex. She said she wished I'd met her in a few months time instead when she had put a good amount of distance between me and her ex and her anxiety had settled. The weird thing was I never really noticed this anxiety, it was obviously going on in her head but she always seemed happy around me, it never affected our time together until now. She told me that she is hoping that she feels better in a few months and would like to try again (I'm aware this is probably a cliche). I asked her if there was anyone else (as this is usually the case) and she said definitely not, she also told me it's not because of her ex either (he asked her to try again when we were seeing each other and she said no). She feels that because she met me so soon after him she didn't spend much time alone and her anxiety manifested again, she said she is scared to commit to me because she doesn't feel stable mentally, she is happy when she's with me but feels anxious when I'm not around. I asked her if she was sure this was what she wanted because as soon as I walked out of her flat that would be it, she got upset and said she wasn't even certain she was making the right decision. She feels I'm the right person in the wrong time. I did the complete opposite of what I did with my last ex (the reason I joined LS), I kept my emotions in check, let her do most of the talking and tried to act as indifferent as I could. I told her that I was obviously disappointed because I liked her and felt we'd had a great but all be it short run together, but that I understood her decision and respected it. She asked if we could still text and stuff and I said it probably wouldn't be appropriate for the time being. This is where I got confused; we were sitting on her bed and I could see her staring at me constantly out of the corner of my eye, she kept touching me and trying to hold my hand. I looked back at her and it was really intense, next thing I know she throws herself on top of me and we're naked, fooling around. Afterwards we're laid in bed and she's being affectionate and kissing me constantly, things were 'normal' for a bit, it was as if we were together still for an hour. We laid there chatting about unrelated topics and I remember thinking in my head "why are we even ending this? She seems so happy and into me right now". I guess it was a farewell thing? I had to go to get the last train and she asked me to spend the night which I thought was weird, I obviously said no and she wanted to walk me to the train station so I agreed. I wished her well, she kissed me again and I went on my way. That was Tuesday night, haven't spoken since. On my way to work the next day I could feel something in my jacket pocket, I realised that she'd put a bag in there with some chocolate in it when I was using her toilet or whatever without telling me, I thought this was strange too. I guess my question is, did she really end things because of her mental state or do you guys think there was someone else/or ex still on her mind? did she just jump into dating to soon and I met her at the wrong time? It's as if she wanted to break up with me but didn't too, her actions contradicted her words. My previous ex was indifferent to me and cold, you could tell she had moved on in her mind and didn't care for me anymore. This time, we'd had no issues, there were no signs, it didn't appear that she had "checked out". She was emotional, must still find me attractive to want to fool around and constantly kiss me and want my attention etc. Obviously like any person fresh out of ending things with someone they like, I am kinda hoping that she has time to herself, and because I left her on a positive note and in a good light she realises what she's missing. However with it only being three months I think the likelihood is she will forget about me by time she is ready to date again. Anyway, it feels good to write this, re-read it and post it. I feel down but I'm doing ok I guess, a lot better than I thought I would be. Obviously I've implemented NC and plan on keeping it this way. It's very difficult for me to say if it's the wrong time for her or if she's still interested in a realistic ship with her ex, from what you've stated. As you said, she told you that she needed time but then her actions completely contradicted her words. I can say that I believe you're doing the right thing in setting up the NC. That's what I would've suggested. See if she contacts you sooner and maybe she'll realize she made a mistake!? Even with bad anxiety, which I have and several people close to me, I don't see how a few months apart is going to make a difference. I think if she's interested then she wouldn't have suggested that at all. But we're all different so I'm really not certain! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 It's totally understandable. But send it anyways! I'm going to sleep on it as I'm still very hungover and feeling emotional. I feel that if I sent it in my current state i'd not be prepared for the response. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LitTunnel Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 This is what I struggle with the most, we weren't together long enough for me to see her bad side so I always see her as a fantasy almost. Not only was she the best looking girl I've been with by far, but also the best in terms of personality. Because it ended so soon I didn't see her 'true' side I guess, when people say 'focus on the negatives', I literally can't because it wasn't long enough for any to appear. You are right yes, I just have no interest in other women, keep comparing them to this one and thinking 'meh'. BUT here's the deal. What you're afraid of is that you won't find someone better than her. It's understandable. I felt the same way with my ex, honestly . But the truth is you don't even have her to begin with; she's not willing to make the move so what's the point? Whether you think she's "the one" makes no difference. She not willing to get with you. But by putting your foot down right now you're basically telling her the conditions (very masculine) and in a nice way so it's not lIke you're burning any bridges with her. Heck, if she indeed is an awesome and understanding woman then she'll totally respect your decision and respect you overall. This will really turn her on. Maybe not now but in time, who knows, she'll probably realize she lost a good catch and give you the call and say the whole "I'll do whatever it tskes" convo. Then, just take it from there. You'll make it man, you got this! Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 LOL, Inertia! interesting choice of words for her to use. Just so open for interpretation. stay NC my man. she doesn't like it I agree!! NC is difficult but well worth it if you stick with it. Rewarding!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 BUT here's the deal. What you're afraid of is that you won't find someone better than her. It's understandable. I felt the same way with my ex, honestly . But the truth is you don't even have her to begin with; she's not willing to make the move so what's the point? Whether you think she's "the one" makes no difference. She not willing to get with you. But by putting your foot down right now you're basically telling her the conditions (very masculine) and in a nice way so it's not lIke you're burning any bridges with her. Heck, if she indeed is an awesome and understanding woman then she'll totally respect your decision and respect you overall. This will really turn her on. Maybe not now but in time, who knows, she'll probably realize she lost a good catch and give you the call and say the whole "I'll do whatever it tskes" convo. Then, just take it from there. You'll make it man, you got this! Thanks for the advice, it's a lot of help. I will post the draft message in here tomorrow perhaps you could read and see what you think before I send. I managed to cry earlier, I read something online that was upsetting and I got a bit of a release so I feel a little better now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Sending your text will indeed terminate every hope, and that is exactly why you should send it. This hope stops you from really moving on with your life. You block your heart from healing and really to open up to other girls... Just do it and finish it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LitTunnel Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 It's very difficult for me to say if it's the wrong time for her or if she's still interested in a realistic ship with her ex, from what you've stated. As you said, she told you that she needed time but then her actions completely contradicted her words. I can say that I believe you're doing the right thing in setting up the NC. That's what I would've suggested. See if she contacts you sooner and maybe she'll realize she made a mistake!? Even with bad anxiety, which I have and several people close to me, I don't see how a few months apart is going to make a difference. I think if she's interested then she wouldn't have suggested that at all. But we're all different so I'm really not certain! I will also probably agree that this girl is certainly not over her ex. She might need plenty more time to recoup. You wouldn't want her now anyways man because she wouldn't be able to give you her 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 It's just really getting me down. It's getting to the point that I'm at work and colleagues are noticing. One member of staff told me today that people have been saying I don't appear 'myself'. My manager also asked me if there is anything I'd like to talk about and mentioned I seem a bit upset these past few weeks. I feel that I am letting the thoughts of her come to me like many people suggest but it's just making me feel worse! I would think keeping her out of your mind would be best! Do you like to read? Watch movies? Anything to occupy time. I know this forum helps me a lot to occupy my mind and keep my thoughts in check! Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Tell me about it, it was going great and then she just changes her mind! Think that's why I am struggling as there weren't any issues, hard to accept. Although there was issues on her side. She obviously doesn't seem to be over the ex and was using you as a backup plan from what I've read thus far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyjackson Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 Sending your text will indeed terminate every hope, and that is exactly why you should send it. This hope stops you from really moving on with your life. You block your heart from healing and really to open up to other girls... Just do it and finish it all. I know you're right, I didn't realise until today what was holding me back. I'm scared to lose her forever by sending it. But I know logically it makes no difference does it? I've already lost her anyway. I really fell for this girl in such a short time and it's killing me that I can't have her. I wish I could rewind time Link to post Share on other sites
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