Author ja123 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 where I live having an affair with a patient can cause a doctor to lose their licence to practice or carry heavy sanctions, is this something you want? No, I don't want him to lose his license. He's a very good doc and helps so many people. I'd give him an official letter to state I'll no longer be his patient as I found another doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 Then he probably brought up his wife and kids during your conversations. I do think physicians tend to have their favorite patients, like how teachers tend to favor certain students. My own physicians like to chitchat with me too. It shows that your physicians like you and find you intelligent if they want to chitchat with you, June. He's only brought up his kids once when he said that he uses his time when driving home to unwind and leave the office at the office, so that he can be a better father to his kids. He only mentioned "we" last year when they had Hallowe'en candy left over, as did I. He's never brought up his wife, but his secretary did. He teases the office staff and she said who else does he have to tease "certainly not his wife". I brought up his kids when I brought my favourite children's book and a packet of pumpkin seeds. This was spread out over the last couple of years, so not all at once. In fact the second last time I was there I told him he works too hard, to stop taking all these new patients and that he has children and he nodded and said, "and a dog." I said "you have a lot. So, he's so busy, he has time to look me up on the internet for some reason. Go figure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 I used to take what you wrote in this thread very literally; as time goes by, I realized that you may just enjoy thinking/talking about those things. There’s nothing wrong with having an innocent crush. If this physician is as good looking as you described, and if he has a bit of charm, then you’re not the first and won’t be the last to have a crush on him. I think many such men enjoy being crushed on by attractive patients and enjoy innocent flirting. You might very well be on to someone, say I with a tear in my eye. I guess it's wonderful to have the attention of this man, knowing I'm safe ('cause he's married - I'm too scared to do a real relationship) and he knows my dark secrets ... heck the man has taken my weight, knows about my mental illness and still likes me. How am I honestly going to break that info to a new person/dating prospect? I will say that he was wrong to say he'd call over the weekend when he wasn't working to check up on my drinking (then he backed out). This really led me on. And quite frankly, if I had a new date who backed out without calling I'd write him off, so I shouldn't still be crushing on him really, if you know what I mean. He also shouldn't have mentioned the red boots ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 In a way, though, I've been angry at him and he's been angry at me, but we still get along, chitchat and smile and laugh ... That says something, no? I still don't want a relationship though, and if he were single I'd run in the opposite direction, let me tell you. It'd just be nice to hang out maybe once a month or so... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 OP, I just sped read your entire 2 yr post. I have a couple of observations. The doctor is 100% not interested in you as far a physical/sexual way...if he was, it would be a done deal. Lastly, You have some dependence/ mental issues that need to be treated. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 @standtall I appreciate your male perspective. So, why would the doctor search for me on the internet? Can you answer that? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 @standtall I appreciate your male perspective. So, why would the doctor search for me on the internet? Can you answer that? I’ll chime in. I work in a totally different field. Law / real estate / finance. I often google customers and contacts I have. Just curiosity. Sometimes it’s comes from a “who the hell does he think he is” angle, sometimes it’s because I think they are interesting, sometimes it’s just because I want to know more about them so I can service them better. It’s never been because I am crushing on them, it’s more that I often find some insight about who the person behind the persona is. Take that if you will - but I can say as someone who has had an affair. If they want to make it happen, they will make it happen, and not wait 2 years for it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 I’ll chime in. I work in a totally different field. Law / real estate / finance. I often google customers and contacts I have. Just curiosity. Sometimes it’s comes from a “who the hell does he think he is” angle, sometimes it’s because I think they are interesting, sometimes it’s just because I want to know more about them so I can service them better. It’s never been because I am crushing on them, it’s more that I often find some insight about who the person behind the persona is. Same for me. After I have stopped working with them, I wonder how they are so I may do a search. Sometimes, I'm just curious to know more about who that person is in a social context. It doesn't mean that I was to see them or be friends with them, I'm just curious to know what's happening for that person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 @RecentChange & BaileyB I am ready to accept that his internet search of me was something innocent, curiosity ...maybe even entertainment on his end. @RecentChange If he did want to have an affair, then, I think you're right, he would've made it happen by now. The only way I'll see him, upcoming, is that he said he can get my friend into a detox centre. So, if she's ready for that, then I might have to accompany her to his office and take her into detox. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 Years ago, I saw an eye doctor for the first time for some very minor issue. We ended up chitchating and bantering quite a bit while he was looking at my eyes. In the middle of all this, he said “We should keep in touch after this.” I was caught off guard, but wasn’t sure if he meant I should go back for a follow-up appointment (he didn’t ask for one at the end). I probably gave him a look with a little confusion, and he said he’s gonna send me some follow-up information about the eye issue. He probably thought I was an interesting patient and wanted me to go back if I ever have eye issues in the future You might very well be on to someone, say I with a tear in my eye. I guess it's wonderful to have the attention of this man, knowing I'm safe ('cause he's married - I'm too scared to do a real relationship) and he knows my dark secrets ... heck the man has taken my weight, knows about my mental illness and still likes me. How am I honestly going to break that info to a new person/dating prospect? I will say that he was wrong to say he'd call over the weekend when he wasn't working to check up on my drinking (then he backed out). This really led me on. And quite frankly, if I had a new date who backed out without calling I'd write him off, so I shouldn't still be crushing on him really, if you know what I mean. He also shouldn't have mentioned the red boots ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 3, 2018 Author Share Posted November 3, 2018 June, I would take that as invitation to see you outside of the office. You are obviously intelligent, empathetic, and worldly... Why wouldn't he, after all? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 June, I would take that as invitation to see you outside of the office. You are obviously intelligent, empathetic, and worldly... Why wouldn't he, after all? If this is how you interpret an eye doctor talking to you, then this is part of your problem. Just because a man talks to you in a friendly fashion, that doesn't mean he wants to jump into bed with you. No offense, but you aren't worth them losing their career over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 If this is how you interpret an eye doctor talking to you, then this is part of your problem. Just because a man talks to you in a friendly fashion, that doesn't mean he wants to jump into bed with you. No offense, but you aren't worth them losing their career over. Personally, I interpreted it as his way of asking me to go back whenever I have eye issues. From my personal experiences, physicians do have their favorite patients. I think the OP has built a good rapport with her family doctor. Perhaps the OP can tell him that she’s been having a hopeless crush on him, so that he can excuse himself and refer her to another doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Personally, I interpreted it as his way of asking me to go back whenever I have eye issues. From my personal experiences, physicians do have their favorite patients. I think the OP has built a good rapport with her family doctor. Perhaps the OP can tell him that she’s been having a hopeless crush on him, so that he can excuse himself and refer her to another doctor. This is an interesting observation, June. Out of all my doctors, the psychologist, etc, for some reason I feel I can be most honest with him. Maybe that's the reason I like him. Anyhow, I'm not seeing him anytime soon, unless my friend decides to go to detox. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Same for me. After I have stopped working with them, I wonder how they are so I may do a search. Sometimes, I'm just curious to know more about who that person is in a social context. It doesn't mean that I was to see them or be friends with them, I'm just curious to know what's happening for that person. The thing is, he shouldn’t have told the OP that he has googled her, even if he’s so nosy about her personal life. He also shouldn’t taken upon himself to treat the OP’s substance abuse and personal issues. He’s positioning himself as her therapist, while not recognizing the OP’s transference. You would think that a more professional physician would have told her to discuss her sex life and personal life with her therapist the moment the OP started talking about it. I’m not sure if the medical authority there has guidelines regarding such boundaries. The OP is the vulnerable patient here after all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 (edited) June, you are right. I'm quite certain that there are guidelines. I'm not sure why I'm so attracted to someone who's broken the rules. He could've been curious about me, but he wanted me to know that he googled me, listened to the interview, saw my "face all over the internet", as he said. That is, IMO, the determining factor in assessing whether he likes me or not. I think he does, or ... maybe he's just on a ego trip and winding me up to make me think he likes me, so he'll wield some sort of power over me. As you mentioned my transference, I'd like to propose that there is counter-transference on his part. But, in any case, even before there was transference, we had a special look for the other the first time we saw one another. I've canvassed a couple of people that don't live around here. And the consensus is that I'll only know for sure is if I ask. I don't think I'm going to do that right now... I need to work on myself, even though not having a man to have sex with from time to time would (I think) help me. One thing I do know is that I'm really hard on myself. Anyhow ... I'll still give him and his secretary a Christmas gift, as per usual... I just drop it off. I appreciate all your feedback... Edited November 12, 2018 by ja123 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Too long don't read Here's some background. So us medical people have many competing priorities. The background to the issue goes all the way back to when MBAs started entering healthcare - which originally was a good thing, because doctors in general do not know how to professionally sell themselves. Nowadays, administrators are everywhere, and they are pushing doctors to respond to metrics, surveys, and all sorts of non-doctoring stuff. A fundamental rule of business owners that is lost on our administrators these days, is that you should never pressure an employee to do what he isn't most skilled at, or he will get frustrated and eventually leave. The administrator's point of view is, well if you don't respond to the "administrative bloat", our institution won't get paid. Doctors these days are dying to become the old school doctors who spent as much times as we needed with patients, but the true reason we aren't is our administrators. If you ever meet a snappy doctor who seems rushed, he could be rude, but he also could have his hands tied. There's also cultural acclimatization to ordering the most fancy, up to date test, but if all parties involved don't really understand the treated disease forwards and backwards, you order the expensive test and drive up costs (sometimes you also have a fussy family who demands certain things under threat of lawsuit). Fast forward to right now, there is a physician shortage, and patients are only getting more complicated to sort out. Users like ja123 who really need the help, can only get little bits at a time, because there is a push to see the next patient and the next patient, when your patient before, had thoughts of committing suicide (duty to notify authorities by law), or had such severe obesity and no insight into the issue (I didn't know 15 cans of soda pop per week were bad for you). The medical field's response to this was to farm out certain subspecialties to other specialists, who have also gotten more and more busy. Problem is, psychiatry and psychology have amongst the highest rates of physician shortage. So if you are living in a small city, and your general practitioner is all you have, then your general practitioner's duty is to be the jack of all trades. Something as subtle as transference is difficult to pick up for a rushed doctor who hasn't seen it all the time. So, I have sympathy for ja123, who has a serious problem on her hands, but is having a difficult time fixing it. Our professional rules state that your doctor, if he or she is the only one available, has a duty to fix as much as she can, and then farm out the problem to experts if she isn't comfortable dealing with it completely. It's not completely correct to just refer to an expert at the getgo unless that is your local practice guideline, you should make some attempt to triage the problem at hand. So ja123's best bet is to find a different therapist or psychiatrist (therapist is going to be much easier to find than the super busy psychiatrists). Ask around. Second best choice is to stick with your general practitioner, but book sessions specifically for counseling (don't try to ask your GP about your 3 other medical issues as well, book separate appointments for those). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Bonjour Garçon1986, J'imagine que tu es medecin. Thank you for taking the time to respond in detail regarding the point-of-view of doctors in this day and age. It is most certainly a challenge. My doc (a gp) has told me that he's been taking on more patients to cover for another doc and he's tired. He, too, would rather be an old-fashioned doctor and he's told me he is frustrated by the time constraints and lack of physicians. Your point is well-taken that these doctors are under pressure to treat first-line, not refer, and order as few tests as possible .. all with the stress of being sued. Pretty cruddy working condition, I say. I feel guilty for taking up his time, so that and the crush has made me not see him very often these days. I do have a couple of physical issues, but I might go to a walk-in-clinic. As it so happens, I do only go to either talk about a personal psychological issue or book for another time for a physical one. My doc puts a lot of pressure on himself to solve everything. He does see people for psychological issues, but from what I understand they are lighter cases. People going through a rough time and needing to talk along with relatively short-term anti-depressant and anti-anxiolytic treatment. Due to the nature of my illness, I did ask for a psychiatrist and he referred me to one. The psychiatrist is only there for the meds, though, he doesn't listen. And it is an overall frustrating experience for me. And when I say he doesn't "listen", I mean it. Psychiatrist is from another country with an old-fashioned class system and he wears the BIG Doctor hat which makes it impossible to be honest, really. The psychiatrist even went so far as to deny that he "loses" some patients to suicide!..... Anyhow, I feel my doc and I can really talk and he can get pissed at me, but we still fundamentally like one another as human beings. I have the impression that he cannot relate to his other patients as he can me. So, I do go back to my doc, but have told him less about my psych issues. He thinks I'm doing great and the psychiatrist thinks I'm doing great, but the reality is that I could fool them both if I wanted to. I told doc that I'm not doing as well as he might think, yet he told me my expectations are too high and should be lowered. Maybe he has a point. Anyhow, it is unfortunate that the administrators are now dictating how a very human profession is practiced. Very sad. Back to doc... sometimes, I just want to hold him, kiss his forehead and give him a massage and listen to music. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Also Garçon1986, Doc offer to call me at home on the weekend when he doesn't work. This was to check up on my drinking (alcohol), but he didn't end up calling. What do you think of that? Would you do that with a patient? What does it mean? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Also Garçon1986, Doc offer to call me at home on the weekend when he doesn't work. This was to check up on my drinking (alcohol), but he didn't end up calling. What do you think of that? Would you do that with a patient? What does it mean? Since you have brought up this point quite a few times, let me venture a guess: It could have been just his figure of speech, but you took what he said literally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Since you have brought up this point quite a few times, let me venture a guess: It could have been just his figure of speech, but you took what he said literally. Yes, I took it literally. He checked that he had the correct number, then said he'd call me Friday and Saturday, but said he couldn't call on Sunday. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I think that's a doc who is comfortable talking to patients on the weekends and asking about you. Fairly common. I would still make your healing priority number one rather than pondering whether a romantic relationship with your PCP is in the works. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ja123 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 I think that's a doc who is comfortable talking to patients on the weekends and asking about you. Fairly common. I would still make your healing priority number one rather than pondering whether a romantic relationship with your PCP is in the works. OK. Thanks ... Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I think that's a doc who is comfortable talking to patients on the weekends and asking about you. Fairly common. I would still make your healing priority number one rather than pondering whether a romantic relationship with your PCP is in the works. That would have been the rational way of thinking. But she’s been a little obsessed about her attractive married doctor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Well any way you slice it this is quite a hard problem to handle. Happy to do what I can from afar. Link to post Share on other sites
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