impasse Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Kate just liked one of my posts which at least proves that she's still around. I hope Kate is safe. As someone who has left a really abusive relationship not a heck of a lot different than hers, my best bet is that she liked the post to say she was okay but couldn't actually post because he'd see it. It only takes a second to logon and like a post, there probably wasn't time to write a post but she didn't want people worrying. I can't tell you how many times I did things like that. Or he's seen this thread and she doesn't want him to know she updated it. In which case she probably just got in s@#t for this comment and the two above. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Sigh. Yep. Please, people - think before you post. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 As someone who has left a really abusive relationship not a heck of a lot different than hers, my best bet is that she liked the post to say she was okay but couldn't actually post because he'd see it. It only takes a second to logon and like a post, there probably wasn't time to write a post but she didn't want people worrying. I can't tell you how many times I did things like that. Or he's seen this thread and she doesn't want him to know she updated it. In which case she probably just got in s@#t for this comment and the two above. I agree that Kate liked the comment to show that she was okay. With respect to the cautions about comments, anyone who posts in an open forum realizes that there will be responses. Why else would they communicate with others this way? Kate is an intelligent woman who seems aware of the resources available to her. She can leave whenever she feels ready to do so. For that reason, I'm not going to tiptoe around her husband since she is the one who elected to share her story in an online forum. I don't feel badly about sharing Kate's update with everyone else since we are now emotionally invested in her well being. Link to post Share on other sites
sassyunicorn Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 As someone with a similar age gap in my marriage, I obviously don't have any issues there. The only issue I see is him being SO pushy into having another child. Marriage needs to be a compromise on some things. Neither partner will ever get their way all the time. If you're really at your breaking point (nothing wrong with that, I couldn't handle what you have), then he needs to either give in or get out. HE is the one being unreasonable! Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Kate...please let us know if you're okay. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate416 Posted January 11, 2017 Author Share Posted January 11, 2017 Kate...please let us know if you're okay. Yes, not really but yes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Yes, not really but yes. Are you GOING to be safe? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Just know that we are all thinking of you... Hoping that you can find some assistance and be well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 This is terrible. Please find a way to get help and leave him. Please let us know what anyone here can do to be more helpful and supportive. Thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 Yes, not really but yes. Thank you so much for returning. I hope that you post more in the future. While I think leaving would be the best choice, I completely understand the difficulties of walking away from the only man you've ever been with and facing the prospect of being a single mother of five. I imagine you are probably accustomed to a high standard of living as well. I just want you to know that I'm sympathetic of your hesitation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate416 Posted January 15, 2017 Author Share Posted January 15, 2017 At some point, I’ll leave my husband. No my husband isn’t aware of this thread, or website even. Yes he does control what I do and has been more controlling for the last 6 weeks. He put a lock on the internet so it only works during the hours that he is home. He locks it before he goes to bed, some nights like tonight he forgets. He has unplugged the landline when he goes to work. He removed the SIM card from my cellphone. He takes my car keys some days. He is more physical with me (never in front of our kids) but as long I do what I’m suppose to it isn’t as bad. Given the nature of it there are no marks for our kids or anyone else to see. I’m a 28 year old with no family support who is 10 weeks pregnant and has 5 other kids under age 8. I can’t do it on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 I'm here for you Kate, thanks for letting us know you are alive. Do you have anyone who you can tell in real life about what is going on? if so please tell them and ask them to get outside help to get you out of this. They would need to get help from a domestic violence shelter/centre. Tell her/him the situation with the phone, that you are very isolated. I want you to keep being strong, keep a complete poker face with him so you protect yourself. Reach outside for help hopefully there is a DV centre that can help you flee him when he is not home. Do you have social security/welfare in Canada that you could survive on with the children? If so I'd flee to a DV shelter and get government assistance, live off that till you can get on your feet. Keep posting so you don't feel so isolated. I wish I lived in Canada(from memory that's where u live I think) so I could rescue you. Big hugs stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 At some point, I’ll leave my husband. No my husband isn’t aware of this thread, or website even. Yes he does control what I do and has been more controlling for the last 6 weeks. He put a lock on the internet so it only works during the hours that he is home. He locks it before he goes to bed, some nights like tonight he forgets. He has unplugged the landline when he goes to work. He removed the SIM card from my cellphone. He takes my car keys some days. He is more physical with me (never in front of our kids) but as long I do what I’m suppose to it isn’t as bad. Given the nature of it there are no marks for our kids or anyone else to see. I’m a 28 year old with no family support who is 10 weeks pregnant and has 5 other kids under age 8. I can’t do it on my own. OMG Kate I don't know how to reply but feel compelled to respond at the same time. What you describe is someone being held against their will and I don't make the statement lightly. To take away and/or control access to the general freedoms that most us have like basic lines of communication during the time when your captor is not home is mind blowing. What if something happened like an accidental fall for one of the kids or you going into labour? You have no land line, limited cell phone, no car keys; what happens then? Add to that he is now physically abusing you too! I live in Canada there are resources for someone in your position. Do you fear for the safety of your children? For no other reason, you must get away and protect them. Someone who is capable of doing to you what your husband is doing is capable of harming the children as well. Heck, he already IS abusing them by leaving you vulnerable as he cuts you and them off from the rest of the world. In a forum like this, many of us share our hurts and relationship problems but this goes so far beyond the typical types of challenges we usually find here. My heart aches for you and you little ones, please find a way to run!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 (edited) You can do it on your own! You always have options Kate. There are services in Canada. Take your kids and go to the police, when you are ready. Find a lawyer. With five kids, he will pay child support and spousal support. This is no way to live. What he is doing to you and your children is abhorrent. Stay safe. Know that we are all wanting the best for you. Edited January 15, 2017 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 At some point, I’ll leave my husband. No my husband isn’t aware of this thread, or website even. Yes he does control what I do and has been more controlling for the last 6 weeks. He put a lock on the internet so it only works during the hours that he is home. He locks it before he goes to bed, some nights like tonight he forgets. He has unplugged the landline when he goes to work. He removed the SIM card from my cellphone. He takes my car keys some days. He is more physical with me (never in front of our kids) but as long I do what I’m suppose to it isn’t as bad. Given the nature of it there are no marks for our kids or anyone else to see. I’m a 28 year old with no family support who is 10 weeks pregnant and has 5 other kids under age 8. I can’t do it on my own. Where are your family? Link to post Share on other sites
impasse Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 He is more physical with me (never in front of our kids) but as long I do what I’m suppose to it isn’t as bad. Given the nature of it there are no marks for our kids or anyone else to see. So he's raping you. Correct? Look, I've been there and is doesn't get better. There might be highs and lows of him acting like a "changed man" but it's a show to keep you hooked. Is he aware that you are pregnant? Him being physically violent with you is a risk to that fetus. If nothing else, telling him may stop the physical abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 (edited) Good point. You have nothing to gain from keeping your pregnancy from him anymore. If it will limit the physical abuse or cause him to be more gentle with you, it may be worth disclosing the pregnancy. But, I would not advise you to stay. He is a very dangerous abuser Kate. You could call 911 while he is at work one day and the police would take this very seriously. They could help you get to a shelter or to a friend. There is help for you. Edited January 15, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 I would disclose the pregnancy as well. Kate, I completely understand why you feel that you cannot do it on your own. You have many children and another one on the way. It's difficult enough to be a single mother of one child but raising six kids by yourself is unimaginably difficult. Fortunately, the government of Ontario will provide housing and income support for you. In fact, you can probably receive money to go back to school if you need it. Single moms who are leaving an abusive situation are top priority when it comes to Ontario Housing. The trick is to get to a place where you feel strong enough to walk away. I'm sure that you're aware of the support which is available. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
impasse Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 Something to think about... You said that you can't do it (raise 6 kids) on your own. And trust me, I know that it's hard. I have 6 kids, though they are older, and their dad is totally out of the picture. I know how hard it is, especially in the first 8 or so years. But really think about it... How much does he REALLY help you? He works long hours, so likely he's only around when the kids are awake on the weekends. You are otherwise home all day with the kids. If you leave your husband you can choose to put the older 3 in elementary school. The younger 2 (soon to be 3) can go into daycare at least part time. You will have a lot more time to yourself, to focus on you, the house, school, work. You said that your husband is a good dad. If he really is a good dad and is granted custody or visitation, that is more "free time" for you. It could be as much as 50/50. He will be required to pay child support and alimony. The prenup will be overturned. Financially you will be fine. I was terrified to leave my abusive relationship. It was hard, I won't lie. The days can be long and exhausting. You can feel so alone and judged. Your "love life" will be out of the question for quite a while. As much as it is harder, it's also easier. You won't live in fear anymore, you aren't dealing with a controlling spouse, you aren't waking on eggshells. I know how scary it is. My only regret is not leaving sooner. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 Kate, I am sorry to hear that the situation has taken a turn for the worse. What your husband is doing is horrible and puts all your lives in danger. I appreciate how difficult the situation is for you as a young mother with soon-to-be 6 children, but you have one advantage many abused women in the world do not, and that is the fact that you live in Canada. You actually do have options. You can pack your things and go to a women's shelter and initiate divorce proceedings from there. As difficult as it is to leave, there is really no excuse to stay given the resources you have at your disposal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 I appreciate how difficult the situation is for you as a young mother with soon-to-be 6 children, but you have one advantage many abused women in the world do not, and that is the fact that you live in Canada. You actually do have options. As difficult as it is to leave, there is really no excuse to stay given the resources you have at your disposal. Very true. Don't wait too long... You put yourself and your children at risk. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonelywife2323 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 As manipulative as this man is, I guarantee you he knows how to use a keylogger they could potentially find out about the site. I'm absolutely horrified reading this. Under zero circumstances is this relationship normal. This man is controlling, abusive, and manipulative. He does not need to put his hands on her in order for it to be abuse. He is slowly getting worse and worse. Everything that she has said just makes me terrified for her. I do not feel you are safe if you stay, Kate. Get out of there and do NOT go back. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 when my wife and I got married, she was 20 and I was 19. It works for some and not for others. Seeing it is almost 29 years ago. We have three kids and I wanted a fourth. When we talked about it I was informed that if we have another I was going to be the one to have it. Don't have anymore until, if ever, your are ready. I hope the older ones are starting to help around the house. Get them involved early, that way when they are on their own one day, they know how to take care of their home. So many young people have no clue nowadays. This also helps take some of the cares off you. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 when my wife and I got married, she was 20 and I was 19. It works for some and not for others. Seeing it is almost 29 years ago. We have three kids and I wanted a fourth. When we talked about it I was informed that if we have another I was going to be the one to have it. Don't have anymore until, if ever, your are ready. I hope the older ones are starting to help around the house. Get them involved early, that way when they are on their own one day, they know how to take care of their home. So many young people have no clue nowadays. This also helps take some of the cares off you. I don't think you read Kate's posts. She has had several children very quickly because of her husband and she's pregnant again. Children helping around the house is the very least of her problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate416 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I might be overreacting and making it all seem worse than it is. If it was bad enough I'd just leave... We have friends and company over and they don't notice. I got myself into this, my parents don't even want anything to do with me. He doesn't know that I'm pregnant. He tries every night. I don't want him to know yet. As long as I do what he wants and do it right, it's okay. He is only rough during sex. If it was bad enough I'd leave, I would have left a long time ago. I'm still here which shows that it's not as bad as I make it seem. He said our oldest 2 kids can start school in the fall rather than homeschooling. Maybe he'll work with me a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
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