Is there anything wrong with our marriage?

[Kate416]

My husband came home at 12:30am. I was already asleep when he came home. He just walked into the bedroom, I wake up easily, and asked if I wanted anything before he came to bed. He got in our bed and just laid down and had normal conversation. He asked how the kids day was, the plan for the rest of the week, how I was feeling as I've been sick, some errands he wanted to do, some stuff going on at work. Normal conversation... Then he said he was sorry for leaving that night and he needed some time. That he didn't like the way he reacted and wanted space to think about it. He said he drove up to our cottage, which is 3 hours away and the weather was bad. So if he did that then he was stupid and drove all night. He does like driving though...especially at night. After work he went to a friends house and that friends wife confirmed that he was there, I asked her. He apologized for not telling me where he went and said that he just wanted to escape for a bit and calm down. The only time we've stopped having sex is for a few weeks after each of our kids were born, and he knew ahead of time that we'd be stopping for a while. It's been 8 years of a solid routine that has never changed. He didn't initiate sex or anything, just laid there and talked. He apologized a few times and said he wished he didn't react that way. He didn't put any blame on me, unless I missed it.

 

It pisses me off (among other reasons) because I rarely get time. I haven't been able to step away from reality in almost 8 years. If I'm having a rough day or need a break, too bad it doesn't happen unless maybe it's a weekend. He has offered to take care of the kids more on the weekends so I can relax more, but we hardly spend time together and I want to spend that time with him. He has taken a day off here and there so that he can take care of the kids while I have a break. It's few and far between though because we save his vacation time for family trips.

 

I have to be honest... The whole time he was gone I wondered if he was cheating. And it really bothered me and made me feel a little insane on the inside. I couldn't concentrate, I just had to know. If I want to leave then I should care.... It wasn't like I wanted to warn the other person (if there was one), it was jealousy and worry. I checked his bank record and all he did was buy food a few times and gas. It still bothers me, not knowing.

 

He isn't home a lot, but he works a lot and I know that. Usually he does come home every night, the odd time he'll crash at a friend's house but it's not common and only after he's been at their home and they had some drinks. He comes home around 7-8 every night and I'm in bed as soon as he'd "done" with intimacy. Sometimes I have wondered about cheating but he hasn't really ever given me a reason to think that. We have sex every day and he gets whatever he wants, he shouldn't need anything else... And there really doesn't leave time for someone else.

 

It would have been easier if he was still mad when he came home and lost it. My mind always goes back to "well he's not that bad, it could be worse". There has never been any physical abuse, never really verbal abuse. He has always been helpful when he's home, he has always helped me with the kids as much as he can, in the newborn phase he almost always woke up just to sit next to me and hold my hand, rub my back, get me water or a snack, do the diaper, swaddle. He'd tell me I was doing a good job and he loved me. On the off chance that one of our older kids wake up, he gets up and deals with it. He always asks how our day was, says I love you every day. As soon as he walks in the door after work he's a family man. Nearly all of his free time is spent with the kids and I. It's always quality time spent. The kids love him. Every morning at least 2 kids come into our bed for the last hour, they are always all over him. He goes to as many sports events as he can.

 

It can't all have been for show.... Somewhere in there has be a decent guy... But then I have to look at the whole picture, not just what he does right...

 

He pushed for a quick wedding, a mariage contract, didn't want me to finish school, after our first was born he wanted another immediately and ingnored my and the doctors concerns which put both of us at risk, my body didn't support the pregnancy as well as it should have and there were complications, he pushes for sex too soon afterwards, he wouldn't let me go on birth control and said he would leave if I did, he wouldn't let me get an epidural with my first two girls, with my youngest three he said we were doing home births, he doesn't leave me alone with professionals, the only friends he likes me to see are his friends/spouses, he is adamant about homeschooling even though I'm not, he controls the finances completely, when we go out as a couple is in his control, if we go out he control everything, what we do, eat, how long. He squishes my opinions like they don't matter. He makes me feel like a hooker in the bedroom. He says what he wants and how long and I do it. He doesn't care if I want to or not, like it or not. It doesn't feel good and I don't like it, I don't even know if I can orgasm. Sometimes he makes me feel like a trophy wife because he pushes weight loss after each baby, somewhat picks what I wear when we go out. What he says goes and I don't even think about it anymore, he says something and I automatically do it. He thinks my body is his, whether for sex or babies.

 

It's like... he's a good dad. He's a good co-parent. But he's a bad husband.

 

When he came home all I wanted was to cuddle into him and go back to sleep. And felt so comfortable in his arms. How can I feel like that while thinking about leaving... I should hate him... He's been good to me... And bad, really bad.

[BettyDraper]

If your husband is a good father, you and he can co-parent while living separately.

 

It's like he wants a Stepford wife; a beautiful robot who does whatever he wishes. You are a human being who is worth listening to and you deserve far more consideration. I've never heard of a man deciding whether or not his wife can have an epidural or give birth in a hospital.

 

Men like him intermittently act sweet in order to keep you attached. I knew a woman whose financially and emotionally abusive fiance sent flowers every month to her office. This man forced to her pay half of everything even though she earned less than half of what she did. He also controlled every penny because she was "too stupid to manage a budget."

[Kate416]

Seeing him after I leave scares me... I feel like I wouldn't stay away or he'd find a way to make me come back. I don't want him to say things to our kids to make them hate me. Losing time with my babies is also really hard to think about... I've hardly been apart from them.

 

Really, a man can't make those choices for a woman - whether to have a home birth/hospital or pain relief. Whatever he says goes, I've never been able to just say a solid no we're doing it this way. The way he is so adamant has scared me. He wants me to be his version of a "perfect wife". Very much like a stepford wife.

 

I think thinking that he isn't that bad makes me feel better because then I didn't marry a monster... And maybe I wasn't completely stupid because there was a good side. I've always had a thing and instant attraction when I see someone being a good dad, him; friends, strangers. That's probably normal. It's like it resets the clock and erases all the crappy things he's done that day.

[olivetree]

He pushed for a quick wedding, a mariage contract, didn't want me to finish school, after our first was born he wanted another immediately and ingnored my and the doctors concerns which put both of us at risk, my body didn't support the pregnancy as well as it should have and there were complications, he pushes for sex too soon afterwards, he wouldn't let me go on birth control and said he would leave if I did, he wouldn't let me get an epidural with my first two girls, with my youngest three he said we were doing home births, he doesn't leave me alone with professionals, the only friends he likes me to see are his friends/spouses, he is adamant about homeschooling even though I'm not, he controls the finances completely, when we go out as a couple is in his control, if we go out he control everything, what we do, eat, how long. He squishes my opinions like they don't matter. He makes me feel like a hooker in the bedroom. He says what he wants and how long and I do it. He doesn't care if I want to or not, like it or not. It doesn't feel good and I don't like it, I don't even know if I can orgasm. Sometimes he makes me feel like a trophy wife because he pushes weight loss after each baby, somewhat picks what I wear when we go out. What he says goes and I don't even think about it anymore, he says something and I automatically do it. He thinks my body is his, whether for sex or babies.

 

Read this over and over again. The bad far outweighs the good. This is some pretty sick stuff, Kate. You're so used to it that it's become the norm. But it's far from normal.

 

However, what you're feeling is completely normal. The guilt, he can't be that bad, because how could you have married someone that bad. Wanting him to hold you. Of course you want to see the best in him. He's the father of your children. And you want companionship.

 

But he is a very selfish man. He doesn't care about your happiness or wellbeing. Otherwise you'd be getting pain relief (during childbirth FFS!!) when you need it, get to have your own friends, feel pleasure from sex, have some level of financial autonomy.... any autonomy.

 

All around a husband should make you feel like the sun shines out of your a$$ and he'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. It's a two-way street.

[BettyDraper]

I guess I'm just so use to hearing bad parenting comments that I get offended too easily...

 

I might talk to my parents this weekend, I'm just so unsure about it... I don't know what to say and don't want to hear I told you so. My mom is the kind of person who would say that... She doesn't think before she says things and has said a lot of hurtful things when I was growing up. She genuinely doesn't mean to hurt me, she just doesn't think... I'm going to try and find a lawyer too, so that if I leave I do it right and have everything planned.

 

The hospital staff told my husband it was a random check and they are required to do it with every 20th patient (or some other number) and that it's mandatory to do it separately. The reason they actually did it was because of the way he was acting and our circumstances. He wouldn't leave me side at all and I have really long labors. There were complications so I had to go in at the beginning of my labor, which was 4 days. He knew it would take a while but wouldn't go anywhere. I requested pain relief and later an epidural, and he said no. He told the staff that I wanted a natural birth and wanted him to stand up for me. I stopped asking and told the nurses I didn't want anything. After my daughter was born she had to go for tests and they asked my husband if he wanted to go with as most do. He wouldn't. When I started pushing I panicking and couldn't relax, the nurse whispered and asked if I wanted the "laughing gas" to calm me down I said yes. She asked if I wanted her to tell my husband it was just oxygen and I said yes. That was a big trigger. The other point was our age difference and some things that were in my file from my first birth. Also that my babies were born 11 months apart and the way I acted about it. They did everything they could for me, I wasn't willing to take the help at that point.

 

I have a mother like that too. Those types of moms don't realize that they way they interact with their daughters leads to low self esteem and sometimes looking for older men to be supportive they way they never were.

 

I can see why the hospital staff called a social worker.

The question is...are you ready to end your prison of a marriage now?

[BettyDraper]

Seeing him after I leave scares me... I feel like I wouldn't stay away or he'd find a way to make me come back. I don't want him to say things to our kids to make them hate me. Losing time with my babies is also really hard to think about... I've hardly been apart from them.

 

Really, a man can't make those choices for a woman - whether to have a home birth/hospital or pain relief. Whatever he says goes, I've never been able to just say a solid no we're doing it this way. The way he is so adamant has scared me. He wants me to be his version of a "perfect wife". Very much like a stepford wife.

 

I think thinking that he isn't that bad makes me feel better because then I didn't marry a monster... And maybe I wasn't completely stupid because there was a good side. I've always had a thing and instant attraction when I see someone being a good dad, him; friends, strangers. That's probably normal. It's like it resets the clock and erases all the crappy things he's done that day.

 

You were not stupid. You were just very young and naive. It can happen to anyone. When we're young, we tend to think that we know everything when we actually have much maturing to do. Please don't feel badly about making a mistake in who you married. You were just a kid who was enthralled by someone who seemed so wonderful and mature.

 

When or if you ultimately decide to leave, it's important that you go no contact except it if pertains to your children. Manipulative and controlling types are great at reeling their victims in again. Expect that he will apologize, offer bribes to make you come home and also threaten you.

[BaileyB]

Just sending you a hug Kate. This must be so stressful for you. My heart just breaks for you as I read the things you post. You are doing all the right things though...

 

I hope your mother can be supportive if you call her. You need all the love and support you can get right now. Best wishes.

[BaileyB]

How are you Kate?

[dreamingoftigers]

My god, my first labour was a 3.5 day labour.

 

By day 2.5 I was completely worn down and sleeping in between contractions.

 

I can't imagine having finished that without an epidural.

 

Unfortunately I got epidural migraines with the second one which was a very horrid experience.

 

In fact, that's really SICK that he wouldn't "allow" that.

[Southwardbound]

Kate, I've read your story and it's really heartbreaking. I'm sure in those years, though there have been some good moments, too. And you have your lovely children as a result of that marriage.

 

However, you do need to think not just of yourself, but your children, too.

 

What happens when your daughters hit their teens? Will he be so controlling of them, too? Will he advocate the same sort of marriage for them, that you have now? Your kids will grow up thinking this is a normal kind of marriage, and it's not.

 

I've done both homeschooling and sent my kids to public school. And you sound like you have the homeschool situation under control. The problem with homeschool is often, not the 'schooling' part they get, but the lack of socialization with their peers they don't get. Peer socialization is one of the most important things children learn within the school system. It teaches them how to get along with others for the rest of their lives. This is something you can not give them as a homeschool teacher, unless you belong to a homeschool teacher's group that has a socialization aspect built into it where all the children in that group meet up and regularly do activities together, and the parents in that group trade-off teaching. If he won't let you send your kids to public/ private school, please look into this. Not only will it be good for your children, but also good for you. Good for you in the aspect you will then get a chance to meet other parents, and perhaps build some new friendships?

 

As far as your home-life goes, I agree with many of the other comments made here. You really need to think about your future welfare and the welfare of your children. I have a big family myself, and I know just how hard it is, go through multiple pregnancies (live births & miscarriages) close together, plus breastfeeding in between. It is extremely hard on the body & it just sucks (literally) the life out of your body. Your body needs a rest. If he will not let you (which I think is wrong) do an IUD/pill, etc, then start using rhythm method. Keep accurate records of when you have your periods, and chart your daily temperatures. I'm sure you have a thermometer in the house. when you are in the ovulation phase your body temperate goes up. Don't have physical intercourses those days. Instead, if he insists, & if you have to have sex satisfy him other ways & do it quickly before he has the chance to protest.

 

You said he lets you do the shopping, start pinching some of your grocery money and stash it as cash somewhere safe & easily accessible. Build up enough for 3 months expenses, if you can. Definately reconnect with your parents they are after all your best resource to help you out when you are in need. Let them know you may have to just show up on their door one night with all the kids in tow.

 

Yes you can raise your kids on your own and be an excellent mother. I've been doing it, so I know it's possible. I won't lie and say it's easy, cause its not. But you can do this. And the reality is, you are there doing it everyday now- anyway.

 

Yes, even with your pre-nup he will have to give you child support. You need to get a good lawyer to make sure he has to keep you & the kids in the style your accustomed to - especially as he's a high earner, they will do this. You will get the house, and he should have to pay as you are not working all the house bills until the last kid is 18/19 depending how old they will be for their last high school year. All you have to do is in that period is manage your household money carefully so you can save for your old age. Certainly go after his pension, that is not a premartial asset, but an asset he built up while you were married. With the amount and ages of the kids, and being that the marriage is so financially unequal in terms of earning potential you should be able to get alimony. Make sure you make copies of ALL his personal financial records, bank statements, and insurance documents, household bills, and stash those copies (make more than one copy) in a place other than your house. Upon divorce, he will have to present this information, that way you will know if what he says he has matches with what he gives over to the Court. Men like to lie. Perjury, doesn't help them when its found out.

 

Have all your ducks in a row, before you give any sign to him that you are even considering leaving - he sounds very narcist. This will limit his ability to hurt you. You may ask, and I would recommend that you do not let a lawyer desist you from doing this - ask for a temporary financial maintenance order to be put into place until the divorce. Know if you get it, this will most likely end up as your final monthly settlement, so be sure to ask for everything financially in it that you want. Really think about what you need and look carefully at your households current financial expenses.

 

I hope you find this all helpful, I only wish I knew all these things ahead of time when I went through my divorce.

 

I wish you a safe future journey, Kate.

[LexiCat29]

Oh Kate. I am so sorry!!! :( I'm crying, cause pregnancy should be good news, but I understand why pregnancy is not good news to you right now. I'm so sorry. Please please don't abort the baby. It's not the baby's fault.

 

 

 

Katie, you are a wonderful woman. Do not beat yourself up. Being a Mom is a noble profession that many people don't appreciate or value, but good Moms make the world go around. When my Mom was your age, she was a Mom and a Homemaker ; she didn't work outside the home, but boy she worked 24/7 in the home! She dropped out of college when she was pregnant with me. (I made her morning sick, though I was not aware at the time and didn't do that on purpose, of course.)

 

 

 

Could you ask your parents for advice? I understand reading the first post that you don't have a strong relationship with them, but maybe they just protested your marriage cause they love you and want the best for you? Could you please talk with your Mom about it, and see if they will help you escape? I know that might hurt your pride, but your wellbeing is worth seeing if your parents will help you. I hope they do!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Katie, I'm so sorry.

 

 

 

Does he tell you that?

 

 

Would he see a marriage therapist with you? Or let you see a marriage therapist?

 

If she is not emotionally or physically equipped to handle another baby right now than she shouldn't have one. A household with an abusive marriage is what wouldn't be fair to a baby. Kate is wisely and responsibly considering what's best for herself and her children and she should be proud of herself for thinking logically.

 

Kate, don't let anyone make you feel guilty about whatever choice YOU make for YOUR family.

 

I'm sorry you're barren but that doesn't mean other people shouldn't have a choice Butterfly.

[camillalev]

If she is not emotionally or physically equipped to handle another baby right now than she shouldn't have one. A household with an abusive marriage is what wouldn't be fair to a baby. Kate is wisely and responsibly considering what's best for herself and her children and she should be proud of herself for thinking logically.

 

Kate, don't let anyone make you feel guilty about whatever choice YOU make for YOUR family.

 

I'm sorry you're barren but that doesn't mean other people shouldn't have a choice Butterfly.

 

Agreed. It would be great if we could keep our own personal/religious/moral beliefs on abortion out of the conversation and just try to advise OP on how to best help herself. She's in a horrible predicament and needs support, not added confusion and guilt.

 

Kate, *hugs* I truly do believe you have the strength inside you to find your way out of this, and one day you'll look back and be proud of yourself you made the right decision for yourself and your kids. Also, its very unlikely that your parents hate you, they love you dearly and might have pulled away because it hurt them to see you make what they thought were the wrong decisions. I would bet they'd help you in a heartbeat, esp since you are trying to find your way out. A good parents love doesn't fade so easily!

 

Sending you lots of strength.

Edited November 30, 2016 by camillalev

[aileD]

My husband came home at 12:30am. I was already asleep when he came home. He just walked into the bedroom, I wake up easily, and asked if I wanted anything before he came to bed. He got in our bed and just laid down and had normal conversation. He asked how the kids day was, the plan for the rest of the week, how I was feeling as I've been sick, some errands he wanted to do, some stuff going on at work. Normal conversation... Then he said he was sorry for leaving that night and he needed some time. That he didn't like the way he reacted and wanted space to think about it. He said he drove up to our cottage, which is 3 hours away and the weather was bad. So if he did that then he was stupid and drove all night. He does like driving though...especially at night. After work he went to a friends house and that friends wife confirmed that he was there, I asked her. He apologized for not telling me where he went and said that he just wanted to escape for a bit and calm down. The only time we've stopped having sex is for a few weeks after each of our kids were born, and he knew ahead of time that we'd be stopping for a while. It's been 8 years of a solid routine that has never changed. He didn't initiate sex or anything, just laid there and talked. He apologized a few times and said he wished he didn't react that way. He didn't put any blame on me, unless I missed it.

 

It pisses me off (among other reasons) because I rarely get time. I haven't been able to step away from reality in almost 8 years. If I'm having a rough day or need a break, too bad it doesn't happen unless maybe it's a weekend. He has offered to take care of the kids more on the weekends so I can relax more, but we hardly spend time together and I want to spend that time with him. He has taken a day off here and there so that he can take care of the kids while I have a break. It's few and far between though because we save his vacation time for family trips.

 

I have to be honest... The whole time he was gone I wondered if he was cheating. And it really bothered me and made me feel a little insane on the inside. I couldn't concentrate, I just had to know. If I want to leave then I should care.... It wasn't like I wanted to warn the other person (if there was one), it was jealousy and worry. I checked his bank record and all he did was buy food a few times and gas. It still bothers me, not knowing.

 

He isn't home a lot, but he works a lot and I know that. Usually he does come home every night, the odd time he'll crash at a friend's house but it's not common and only after he's been at their home and they had some drinks. He comes home around 7-8 every night and I'm in bed as soon as he'd "done" with intimacy. Sometimes I have wondered about cheating but he hasn't really ever given me a reason to think that. We have sex every day and he gets whatever he wants, he shouldn't need anything else... And there really doesn't leave time for someone else.

 

It would have been easier if he was still mad when he came home and lost it. My mind always goes back to "well he's not that bad, it could be worse". There has never been any physical abuse, never really verbal abuse. He has always been helpful when he's home, he has always helped me with the kids as much as he can, in the newborn phase he almost always woke up just to sit next to me and hold my hand, rub my back, get me water or a snack, do the diaper, swaddle. He'd tell me I was doing a good job and he loved me. On the off chance that one of our older kids wake up, he gets up and deals with it. He always asks how our day was, says I love you every day. As soon as he walks in the door after work he's a family man. Nearly all of his free time is spent with the kids and I. It's always quality time spent. The kids love him. Every morning at least 2 kids come into our bed for the last hour, they are always all over him. He goes to as many sports events as he can.

 

It can't all have been for show.... Somewhere in there has be a decent guy... But then I have to look at the whole picture, not just what he does right...

 

He pushed for a quick wedding, a mariage contract, didn't want me to finish school, after our first was born he wanted another immediately and ingnored my and the doctors concerns which put both of us at risk, my body didn't support the pregnancy as well as it should have and there were complications, he pushes for sex too soon afterwards, he wouldn't let me go on birth control and said he would leave if I did, he wouldn't let me get an epidural with my first two girls, with my youngest three he said we were doing home births, he doesn't leave me alone with professionals, the only friends he likes me to see are his friends/spouses, he is adamant about homeschooling even though I'm not, he controls the finances completely, when we go out as a couple is in his control, if we go out he control everything, what we do, eat, how long. He squishes my opinions like they don't matter. He makes me feel like a hooker in the bedroom. He says what he wants and how long and I do it. He doesn't care if I want to or not, like it or not. It doesn't feel good and I don't like it, I don't even know if I can orgasm. Sometimes he makes me feel like a trophy wife because he pushes weight loss after each baby, somewhat picks what I wear when we go out. What he says goes and I don't even think about it anymore, he says something and I automatically do it. He thinks my body is his, whether for sex or babies.

 

It's like... he's a good dad. He's a good co-parent. But he's a bad husband.

 

When he came home all I wanted was to cuddle into him and go back to sleep. And felt so comfortable in his arms. How can I feel like that while thinking about leaving... I should hate him... He's been good to me... And bad, really bad.

 

 

It's the cycle of abuse. You e been being abused but there hasn't really been a cycle because you've just made it your life and accepted it. Now that you have started to speak out you will most likely see the cycle start......tensions build, there's an event, then there's apologies and promises to be a better person, then there's a honeymoon period.....until tensions start to rise again and the whole cycle repeats

 

Watch out for this.

 

I just want to hug you

[Birdies]

How are you doing, Kate?

[Kate416]

I feel so stuck.

 

Our marriage wasn't supposed to be like this and I shouldn't have let it happen. If I would have been a better wife or stood my ground more maybe it wouldn't have happened. I wanted to have a good marriage, were the love and respect were mutual and we grew old together. Instead I got this marriage.

 

I talked to a couple old friends about it and I hate being told that if it were bad enough I'd just leave, or insinuating I'm a bad parent because I can't "do it for the kids". Leaving him won't end it. I will still have to see him because of our kids, he has hinted that he would fight for full custody and being a lawyer and having a judge in the family he has a lot more connections than I do. He has never been physically abusive until the last few days and he could keep that up married or not. He said if he's not around other people will be and he'll have them put me in my place. I don't want him to hurt my kids emotionally by saying things to them or physically. As long as he's happy he doesn't.

 

He was never physically abusive, just controlling, but he's shown recently that he's capable of more. Staying and keeping him happy keeps my kids healthy and happy. Leaving would start a war. Staying and doing things right is like tiptoeing through a minefield. He knows I want out, I can't act like everything is okay when it's not, and he won't let that happen. I'm already stuck and dealing with it so what's the point.

[VeveCakes]

He was never physically abusive, just controlling, but he's shown recently that he's capable of more. Staying and keeping him happy keeps my kids healthy and happy. Leaving would start a war. Staying and doing things right is like tiptoeing through a minefield. He knows I want out, I can't act like everything is okay when it's not, and he won't let that happen. I'm already stuck and dealing with it so what's the point.

 

No it won't keep your kids happy and healthy....faking a marriage especially to an abuser does way more damage to them long term.

 

Has he been physical with you? Then go to the police. File a report. Then get a restraining order. This will help your case for custody and also ensure yours and your kids safety.

 

What on earth are you waiting for?

[RecentChange]

Kate - do you want your daughters to think this is normal, grow up, and end up with a controlling abusive man?

 

Do you want your son's to think this is normal, and grow up to be controlling abusive men?

 

How are they getting socialized to any sort of normalcy? Your home life is far from normal, and they are home schooled correct?

 

This environment will damage them as much as it has damaged you.

 

Your husband is a sick bast**** and rest assured, your children will not grow up to be happy well adjusted adults after being raised in this environment.

[olivetree]

Kate, if you hire a lawyer, that lawyer will have connections too, just like your husband. You come from a wealthy family. I'm sure they will be happy to help you get a good lawyer. You are not stuck.

 

I very much doubt your children will be taken away from you. Especially since it now sounds like your husband is being physical with you??? What is happening? I'm sorry this has escalated. You need to get out, like, yesterday. He is trying to intimidate you because he has more knowledge of the law but it is simply false.

 

As for your children, staying with an abuser and pretending to be a happy family actually does more harm to your children than good. Teach them what is not acceptable to you. I'm sure they see this weird dynamic where you have no say. You don't want them to think that the way you live is okay.

[BaileyB]

Hugs to you Kate, you need them. I'm glad you came back to talk with us.

 

I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten more physical. What has changed? He's clearly trying to intimidate you - by becoming more physical and threatening you. This is not ok.

 

If he hurts you, go to a hospital or go to the police. It is the best thing you can do - document everything because it can be used in the courts when you are negotiating a custody settlement. And, if you can, speak with a social worker who works with women leaving abusive relationships and a lawyer. You need to have all the information you can to help you with this decision.

 

I'm sure you are scared and feeling rather lost and alone right now, but you are never stuck. There are people who can help. Leaving will be hard but staying will be harder.

Edited December 2, 2016 by BaileyB

[Birdies]

A) there is nothing YOU could have done to make this abusive man be a better husband. His failings are entirely his own. Not to mention, you e literally done everything he wanted - what more could you have done to make things different?

 

B) the fact that he is now being abusive will hurt you and your kids if you stay in this marriage, and will help you gain custody and child support if you leave. Call the police to document it (they will not force you to press charges, don't worry) and take photos of any injuries / bruises! If you're not ready to leave now, at least having this evidence would help later if you do choose to do so.

 

C) there is no way he will influence anyone else to "put you in your place". That is just him trying to intimidate you. Don't fall for it!

 

You are smart and powerful and deserve more than a husband who wants you to be a sexual child-bearing slave, and who will hurt you emotionally and physically. This is the one person who is supposed to care for you and protect you and build you up, more than anyone else on the planet. He is doing the opposite.

 

And yes, this dynamic will be harmful to your children. Kids are smart and perceptive. Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking this kind of treatment they deserve? Do you want your sons to think this is how they should treat women, as objects rather than as human beings with their own inherent value?

 

Have you been in touch with your parents? I'm sure they would love to support you right now.

 

Please take care of yourself. You and your kids deserve so much more and you CAN achieve it!

[anna121]

I'm sorry but not surprised to hear that your H has become physically threatening to you.

 

There is a point. The point is that this is the only life you get, and you should not let someone else dominate it. It doesn't matter how many connections he has. The family law system in Ontario is independent and any lawyer who tried to swings things in his favour would risk being disbarred. It doesn't matter if he has a judge in his family either. I am a lawyer in Ontario who knows lots of judges, and I am telling you that he is blowing smoke.

 

I'm not going to try to convince you to leave, but just consider that you are not the most objective person about your situation, and he is not the person whose opinion you should be relying on. At least consider seeking advice from a third party.

 

Hugs to you.

[Kate416]

I can't wait it out without him knowing something is up. Every resource I've talked to says to wait as long as possible and document everything. The more documentation I have, the better. And not to do anything until I have a plan and everything I need. He's not stupid and I'm a terrible liar. He already knows. I feel like he's watching my every move and being more restrictive.

 

Sex has always been about him and expected every night. I've always done whatever he wanted whether I wanted to or not. But this week he forced it and pinned me down when I said no. I was scared and it hurt but he didn't care, he covered my mouth and said I had to learn my place and worth. He did the same thing the next night when I said I couldn't because it hurt. If I tell anyone he will tell them I like it that way, has proof and will do it again. He said he'll do it every time I step out of line and won't leave a mark so I have no proof. If I leave it will still happen.

 

The only thing I have control over right now is that he doesn't know I'm pregnant and my choice in that.

 

I called my parents and they didn't answer or call back. They probably want nothing to do with me. Or they think I deserve to be in this position because I was stupid enough to get myself into it. I can't even get my kids out of a bad situation, I don't deserve to have them.

[BettyDraper]

I can't wait it out without him knowing something is up. Every resource I've talked to says to wait as long as possible and document everything. The more documentation I have, the better. And not to do anything until I have a plan and everything I need. He's not stupid and I'm a terrible liar. He already knows. I feel like he's watching my every move and being more restrictive.

 

Sex has always been about him and expected every night. I've always done whatever he wanted whether I wanted to or not. But this week he forced it and pinned me down when I said no. I was scared and it hurt but he didn't care, he covered my mouth and said I had to learn my place and worth. He did the same thing the next night when I said I couldn't because it hurt. If I tell anyone he will tell them I like it that way, has proof and will do it again. He said he'll do it every time I step out of line and won't leave a mark so I have no proof. If I leave it will still happen.

 

The only thing I have control over right now is that he doesn't know I'm pregnant and my choice in that.

 

I called my parents and they didn't answer or call back. They probably want nothing to do with me. Or they think I deserve to be in this position because I was stupid enough to get myself into it. I can't even get my kids out of a bad situation, I don't deserve to have them.

 

If you feel that leaving your husband won't end the abuse, then what do you think staying him will do? If you don't live with your husband, he won't be able to rape you or restrict your every move anymore.

 

It's very common for those in abusive relationships to develop learned helplessness and I think that is what has occurred in your thought patterns. Your husband has you convinced that you cannot live without him and he will ruin your life if you try to leave.

 

Take it one step at a time, my friend. When he goes to work, call the Assaulted Women's Helpline at 416-863-0511. Use a payphone if you have to. When you build enough strength to leave, call Central Family Intake at 416-397-5637. I know the prospect of leaving your husband is frightening given the circumstances of your situation but it is the only way you can free yourself from your gilded cage.

[LexiCat29]

Kate please be strong for your babies. If your husband can rape you, he can rape your daughters.

 

Please get away from him, and get your kids away.

[anna121]

Kate, would you mind saying (in a general way) who were the "resources" that you talked to? Did they know that he has been raping you?

 

ALSO: PLEASE know this. He does NOT have proof that you like it that way and he IS perfectly able to be charged with sexual assault RIGHT NOW.. You said "no" and he went ahead anyway. The law in Canada is VERY clear - he is guilty of sexual assault.