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Is there anything wrong with our marriage?

Kate416

By Kate416,
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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BoaConstrictor

BoaConstrictor

Posted
Posted

Just read this whole thread and wanted to express how heavy my heart is for you. Other commenters have done a great job giving you practical advice and steering you in the right direction.

 

All I want to say is that someone far away and wholly unconnected to you is thinking of you and hurting with you.

 

You do not deserve this. You did not bring this on yourself.

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BaileyB

BaileyB

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Oh Kate. My heart breaks for you.

 

Yes, he is guilty of sexual assault on at least two occasions. If you went to the police today, you could charge him with rape. Husband or not, if he forces himself on you when you have said no to sex, he is guilty of rape.

 

Please consider contacting the resources that have been offered in previous discussion. I'm sorry that your parents haven't responded - it is NOT ACCEPTABLE for the people who brought you into this world not to return your calls. It doesn't matter if they do or do not agree with your decisions, they are your parents and they should be there for you when you need them. You deserve so much more than you've received in this life.

 

Definitely, don't listen to a word he is saying now. He feels threatened that you may leave him, and thus he is escalating. That is frightening. He will threaten and intimidate you in an attempt to keep you in line. You have never been at more risk. Please, don't listen to him when he tells you that you will lose your babies, that people won't believe your claims of sexual assault, or that it will continue to happen if you leave the marriage.

 

What he deserves is to be disbarred and to go to jail for sexual assault.

 

Please, seek assistance. Go to the police. Find a lawyer. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your babies. There is a better life out there for you, if you have the courage to reach for it. Big hug to you!

Edited by BaileyB
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BaileyB

BaileyB

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Kate - do you want your daughters to think this is normal, grow up, and end up with a controlling abusive man?

 

Do you want your son's to think this is normal, and grow up to be controlling abusive men?

 

How are they getting socialized to any sort of normalcy? Your home life is far from normal, and they are home schooled correct?

 

This environment will damage them as much as it has damaged you.

 

Your husband is a sick bast**** and rest assured, your children will not grow up to be happy well adjusted adults after being raised in this environment.

 

Requoted for absolute truth. You are doing more damage to your kids if you stay. They are young still, they are resilient. But, as they get older they will know more and they will be learning about relationships from a very unbalanced, unhealthy relationship.

 

Your husband is a sick bast****. The more I've reflected on your story today, the more that I think you need to get away from him, as soon as you can. You are in danger. The ball game changed when he raped you. You should not stay with a man when you are in danger to gather documentation. I would pack my things and take my kids and go to the police.

 

Do you have a friend you could stay with when you leave? You mention that you've talked with some old friends. You must have someone you can ask for help. I know you have been very isolated and he has made you believe that others will not help you, but that is simply untrue. My goodness... I hope you have a friend who has empathy and would be willing to help you and your children in your time of need. I hope we have shown you that there are people who care - random strangers on the Internet - who believe that you and your children have a right to be safe and happy and healthy.

Edited by BaileyB
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Noirek

Noirek

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How do you manage internet time without being monitered? I would think a man of his level of control would not want you having this wealth of information. Or would at least be keeping an eye on it.

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Sioned

Sioned

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BetheButterfly: I know a few couples who struggle with infertility, and I have become use to the comments and judgement - whether intentional or not. Couples who are trying to adopt see bad situations everywhere, most of what is presented to them is a bad situation or adoption wouldn't be needed. Then they start to judge, unintentionally I'm sure, other parents if there is a remote similarity. I've heard it all... "I want a baby so badly and this person gets pregnant at the drop of a hat", "I would do anything for a baby and this person doesn't see the gift she has", "this person is selfish for hoarding kids", "I would give everything for a child and be such an amazing mother, while this person just keeps popping them out and doesn't care", "she is selfish for thinking of abortion when I so many women would love to be in her spot". Or maybe I'm so use to being judged that I assume judgement everywhere. If that is the case I apologize for taking offense. One thing I cannot handle is being told, or hinted at, that I'm not a good parent.

 

 

 

I don't know if this will help at all, but I could not have children - and yes - it is hard to see people have them so easily - BUT - there is NO WAY IN HELL i would ever judge you harshly for wanting to abort this child if you did.

 

I am finally pregnant through a Donor Embryo, and will raise my child - the only one I will ever have - as a single mum - and frankly the thought terrifies me. And I will actually have the support of a family and an ex-husband behind me! You are raising 5 basically as a single mum, with no support, an abusive and controlling husband, having been isolated from any other support, and having to home school as well. The fact that you are still able to stand up in the morning is frankly staggering - the fact that you had the strength to post on here and start the process of rebuilding is awe-inspring.

 

I can't even get my kids out of a bad situation, I don't deserve to have them.

 

This is SO not true. You are in a bad situation - very bad. But This is NOT your fault. And clearly you have never blamed your children for the situation you are in. Nor have you harmed them in any way. So it is simply not true that you do not deserve to have your kids - or any more kids if that is what YOU want. Your "husband" - well, no I don't think he deserves to have any frankly - but then I don't think he deserves to have you either.

 

You may not be able to get out of this situation right now, but that does not mean you never will. Or that you will stop trying. And it certaonly doesn't mean that you do not deserve to have children, or to be happy in the future - or to one day realise how wonderful and amazing sex can be with a partner who isn't a controlling, selfish, abusive arsehole.

 

Be safe, and know that while some people will judge you - most will only want to help and support you and your children and get you the hell out of there.

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camillalev

camillalev

Posted
Posted

Kate, if you dont leave for yourself then leave for the kids. You're saying you think theyre safer now with him but deep down you know that is not true. If you set this example for your daughter and keep and keep a horrible male role model for her she may end up in the same situation as you someday. People tend to follow their parents example and if she thinks what you have is normal love she may unconsciously search for it when shes an adult. And your sons may follow his lead as well. Its not just about how your husband is to your kids, its about how he is to you. His actions now may hurt them in the long run. Trust me kids pick up on things you think they are oblivious to.

 

Look at how many people are trying to break the abusing cycle started for them by their parents.

 

Also, please reach out to at least one lawyer who can properly advise you.

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BettyDraper

BettyDraper

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How do you manage internet time without being monitered? I would think a man of his level of control would not want you having this wealth of information. Or would at least be keeping an eye on it.

 

Very true. Maybe Kate is posting from an internet cafe or a library?

I hope that she comes back here and posts again.

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C-dot

C-dot

Posted
Posted (edited)

Kate,

 

I have resurrected my old LS profile I made as a teenager so I could reply to your thread.

 

I am a law clerk in Toronto. I work for a nationally recognized law firm that is frequently in the news for successfully representing those who need help - whether that is criminal or civil, and involving spouses, landlords, neighbours, family, even the government. I will private message you with more details.

 

Your husband may be a lawyer, and he may have a judge in the family. That does not mean he owns the law. (Judging by what he tells you, he doesn't even know the law.) In fact, his prestigious connections may prove helpful to you if you want to get away from him - this is the sort of thing they would hate to have others know about.

 

Read this message. Read my private message. Get in touch with me. I can help you.

 

ETA: Yikes... I don't seem to have accumulated enough messages to be able to PM... But I have instant notifications enabled for this thread. Next time you post here, I'll come back and temporarily post my e-mail address.

Edited by C-dot
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BaileyB

BaileyB

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God bless you C-dot.

 

I've thought of you often this week Kate, following the recent story in the news of the Ontario physician who was killed by her abusive and controlling husband. It proves that really intelligent women and devoted mothers can find themselves in difficult situations, with powerful and dangerous men. And sometimes, these situations can have a devastating outcome.

 

Help is out there for you, if you can find the courage to accept it.

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BaileyB

BaileyB

Posted
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Kate, are you still there?

 

Can you come back to us and let us know that you are ok. There is support and help for you here. Please take it.

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Dolfin80

Dolfin80

Posted
Posted

Hi Kate,

 

I just read this thread and wanted to say hi and that you are not alone in this, we are here for you.

 

Unfortunately, I too have been with abusive men, several times. I escaped but reading your post brought back so many bad memories for me.

 

Your husband emotionally blackmailed you the day he said he would leave if you took birth control. From that moment on he knew he had the power to manipulate your emotions. I know how this feel, to be emotionally blackmailed.

 

Please give us an update as we are all here for you (((Kate)))

 

I am now a massive feminist due to the abuse I have suffered from men. Spousal abuse is as high as 30%.

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BettyDraper

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted

I'm getting a very sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. :(

 

The way Kate vanished after conversing with everyone frequently has me wondering if her husband found out about her seeking help.

 

The most unsafe time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is trying to leave.

 

I'm praying for Kate's wellbeing.

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BaileyB

BaileyB

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I'm getting a very sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. :(

 

The way Kate vanished after conversing with everyone frequently has me wondering if her husband found out about her seeking help.

 

The most unsafe time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is trying to leave.

 

I'm praying for Kate's wellbeing.

 

Agreed. Which is why I continue to hope that Kate will come back to us and tell us that she is ok.

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pteromom

pteromom

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I've always done whatever he wanted whether I wanted to or not. But this week he forced it and pinned me down when I said no. I was scared and it hurt but he didn't care, he covered my mouth and said I had to learn my place and worth. He did the same thing the next night when I said I couldn't because it hurt. If I tell anyone he will tell them I like it that way, has proof and will do it again. He said he'll do it every time I step out of line and won't leave a mark so I have no proof. If I leave it will still happen.

 

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry.

 

Up until I read this, I was going to encourage you to just start finding little ways to stand up for yourself and make decisions, to start shifting this parent/child dynamic you have going on.

 

But this - this is just evil.

 

EVIL.

 

:(

 

You have to get out and get away.

 

I am so sorry.

 

:( :( :(

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Dolfin80

Dolfin80

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Oh my gosh. I am so sorry.

 

Up until I read this, I was going to encourage you to just start finding little ways to stand up for yourself and make decisions, to start shifting this parent/child dynamic you have going on.

 

But this - this is just evil.

 

EVIL.

 

:(

 

You have to get out and get away.

 

I am so sorry.

 

:( :( :(

 

If u try to change the dynamic with an abuser u r likely going to get physically hurt. Never do this as u r putting your life at risk. U need to leave but with safety measures in place like heading to a DV shelter and police notification.

 

When i stood up to my abuser i was knocked unconscience when i woke up he had dragged me from the kitchen to the lounge room and was sufficating me. I fought for my life and escaped. Police was called and him arrested. Rinse repeat. The cycle continues until u escape.

Edited by Dolfin80
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LexiCat29

LexiCat29

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If u try to change the dynamic with an abuser u r likely going to get physically hurt. Never do this as u r putting your life at risk. U need to leave but with safety measures in place like heading to a DV shelter and police notification.

 

When i stood up to my abuser i was knocked unconscience when i woke up he had dragged me from the kitchen to the lounge room and was sufficating me. I fought for my life and escaped. Police was called and him arrested. Rinse repeat. The cycle continues until u escape.

 

I'm so sorry you went through this Dolfin. I hope Kate is not going through the same thing...I hope she's ok.

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BaileyB

BaileyB

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If u try to change the dynamic with an abuser u r likely going to get physically hurt. Never do this as u r putting your life at risk. U need to leave but with safety measures in place like heading to a DV shelter and police notification.

 

When i stood up to my abuser i was knocked unconscience when i woke up he had dragged me from the kitchen to the lounge room and was sufficating me. I fought for my life and escaped. Police was called and him arrested. Rinse repeat. The cycle continues until u escape.

 

Very wise advice. We are glad that you were able to escape and get away from your abuser.

 

For Kate, she admitted that she had a difficult time hiding how she was feeling and she refused sex... This resulted in an escalation of the abuse and sexual assault. That's the sad and scary part... We knew that he was escalating but she hasn't been back since to let anyone know if she is ok. I hope she is working on a plan to leave and just unable to post.

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dpass

dpass

Posted
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One can hope that OP left her husband and is somewhere without internet access or doesn't feel safe using the internet.

 

In reality, though, she was replying daily and then had a very abrupt stop. Her husband could have figured out that she was asking for help. Her last post said her husband knows that she was trying to leave, raped her and was watching her more closely. There is a good chance he further restricted her access so she couldn't leave or find help. Almost all of her posts were at night between 9PM and 3AM, usually around midnight, when her husband would be asleep.

 

Hopefully she's ok and can post an update saying so. If this doesn't get locked.

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Dolfin80

Dolfin80

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Very wise advice. We are glad that you were able to escape and get away from your abuser.

 

For Kate, she admitted that she had a difficult time hiding how she was feeling and she refused sex... This resulted in an escalation of the abuse and sexual assault. That's the sad and scary part... We knew that he was escalating but she hasn't been back since to let anyone know if she is ok. I hope she is working on a plan to leave and just unable to post.

Yes i escaped and this happened in my early 20s so a long time ago. Just wanted to share with Kate that she is not alone in this we r here for her

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Dolfin80

Dolfin80

Posted
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I'm so sorry you went through this Dolfin. I hope Kate is not going through the same thing...I hope she's ok.

 

Thanks

Im sorry i went through it too. As women its important to talk about it as DV thrieves behind closed doors.

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