How The Eff To Get A Boyfriend After 35

[SilverLining]

Wow...you guys are really great. I can't believe all the responses here, and I just want every single one of you to know that I really appreciate your taking the time. I AM carefully thinking about all the advice here, even advice that doesn't portray me in the best light. Thank you.

 

OK! So to answer a few questions that have come up. Yes, this is me in the avatar. I don't place much credence on pictures - my years of online dating have shown me that almost anyone can have a decent picture taken, and therefore it's really difficult to ascertain someone's attractiveness merely by looking at a picture. I'll be very honest about my looks here. It's not something I like to talk about and I've kind of avoided it, but it sort of seems silly - physical attractiveness is a massive part of dating. I do consider myself probably a little above average in looks. I have been told many times that I have a very nice looking face. The rest is a bit subjective. I have a thicker body type and am very curvy. I look very similar to this, but I am more well-endowed:

 

http://hercanvas.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Plus-Size-Outfit-Ideas-For-Curvy-Women-47.jpg

 

I definitely understand that it's not everyone's type, but I have always had more than my share of interested men, and I've dated a couple models (catalogue and fitness) and more than my share of gym dudes. I've also dated average guys and not very attractive men. Most men who meet me on dates voluntarily tell me that they are attracted to me. They could be lying, I guess.

 

So, to get to the real deal of how superficial I genuinely am. Look, attraction matters. My mentioning attractiveness on 3 different occasions was pointed out by Bluefeather, and yeah, I was snotty about it, sorry. I'm just getting over bronchitis and I was irritated. Happens to the best of us. Anyway, it annoyed me that those different sentences regarding attraction were grouped together as though they had the same connotation. "I'm currently talking to a guy that I think isn't that attractive..." = I was stating that I'm putting his character and experience at the forefront of my mind and I was excited to talk to him. I am well aware personality can make or break attraction. "...guys start talking to someone else who is more attractive..." = I am recognizing that it's competitive out there and there are a lot of beautiful women. The man in question might find someone else more attractive than me and therefore not want to talk to me anymore. "my roommate is male and less that average attractiveness..." = I was relaying that he is having much more luck online than I, agreeing with a lot of the men on here saying that a man in his 30s has better dating odds than a woman in her 30s.

 

All of this to say that attraction is important, but highly subjective. I was in a relationship once where I was insanely attracted to my boyfriend. I've never forgotten that experience. I would really, really like to feel that again...and he wasn't ever the hottest man in the room, but he was to me. I think everyone wants something similar.

 

Regarding my roommate. We were friends for some years, and when I came back from living overseas I was looking for a place to stay. He makes a lot of money and has space. He doesn't care about rent because he can more than afford the place and he was paying for everything anyway - bills don't increase much because I'm here, especially as he has a habit of leaving things on. What he does care about, however, is company. His family moved away, his friends moved away, and he was very lonely and depressed. He put on a ton of weight, he never did anything. He was miserable. He also has severe ADHD and had trouble doing things around the apartment. When I moved in, I took care of all the things he had trouble doing, I maintain the apt, I do the majority of cooking and cleaning, and he lost a bunch of weight. He is happier with me here, his family and friends prefer me here. I help him become more self-aware - he has received promotions because of changes I have suggested. He stopped avoiding the doctor and the dentist and got some necessary things taken care of. He has said many times that my moving in was one of the best things that has ever happened to him. Do guys avoid dating me because of this? I don't know. My last boyfriend didn't. My roommate has a girlfriend, so I don't see why a male roommate would be a deterrent. In any case, I usually don't mention him on the first couple dates.

 

Same goes for having male friends and being friends with exes. I don't shout these things from the rooftops. Guys on dates don't know about any of that. I don't have unhealthy relationships with any of my exes, it's more of a 'hey, how are you, what are you up to lately' kind of thing.

 

I very much know why I have been single for so long. Long story short, I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood, then moved on to a couple physically and sexually abusive relationships. My next relationship lasted 6 years, we were engaged, he cheated on me and used me for sex, while I put everything I was on the backburner and lived for him so completely that I was nothing but a shell when he left me. And I was a destroyed person for years. It wasn't just that relationship - it was that every man in my life through that time had abandoned me and hurt me, and I just couldn't emotionally handle it anymore. I had panic attacks just considering being vulnerable to a man. Over the course of almost 10 years, I dated, made many friends, traveled, dated outside the country, made friends outside the country.

 

Here's a story - one day, on the train in Japan, I saw a man get on the train and I had a very bad feeling. Sure enough, he walked right to me. I was squished up against this man, unable to even move my arms, while he groped me. Finally, there was enough room for me to move, and when he followed me I shouted at him, and got off the train. When I got off the train, I realized someone was following me. I walked faster - he walked faster. Eventually I decided to stop - I was in the middle of Shinjuku and there were crowds everywhere, what was really going to happen? I turned around, and there was this man who had followed me from the station - because in my rush, I had dropped some money and he was trying to return it.

 

This experience is really the culmination of my attitude to men. I had some bad times, as people do once in awhile, but you can't let bad experiences blind you to the reality of the goodness of people. I have known so many kind, loving, wonderful men. The only reason I am able to be vulnerable and giving to someone again is because of all the amazing men I was so lucky to know. And really, in this post, all you guys devoting your personal time and energy to help me, it really just proves my point. That experience also told me to trust my judgment. There are too many great guys to waste time on the few that want to be jerks for whatever reason. Anyway, after years of serial dating, when I moved back to America I stopped dating for a couple years, by choice. I recognized that I needed to get over my issues. It wasn't easy, but I did. It's been 2 years since then, and I've had a boyfriend, I date, and feel great now.

 

I'm hoping that, even though I'm not 25, and even though I'm never going to be the hottest or most accomplished woman in the room, a good man - that yes, I am attracted to - would date me precisely because of what I CAN offer. It is a lot.

 

I don't know if I've answered all the questions, but I'm exhausted so I'll stop here for the night. Again, thanks everyone.

[BeingLiedTo]

Regarding my roommate. We were friends for some years, and when I came back from living overseas I was looking for a place to stay. He makes a lot of money and has space. He doesn't care about rent because he can more than afford the place and he was paying for everything anyway - bills don't increase much because I'm here, especially as he has a habit of leaving things on. What he does care about, however, is company. His family moved away, his friends moved away, and he was very lonely and depressed. He put on a ton of weight, he never did anything. He was miserable. He also has severe ADHD and had trouble doing things around the apartment. When I moved in, I took care of all the things he had trouble doing, I maintain the apt, I do the majority of cooking and cleaning, and he lost a bunch of weight. He is happier with me here, his family and friends prefer me here. I help him become more self-aware - he has received promotions because of changes I have suggested. He stopped avoiding the doctor and the dentist and got some necessary things taken care of. He has said many times that my moving in was one of the best things that has ever happened to him. Do guys avoid dating me because of this? I don't know. My last boyfriend didn't. My roommate has a girlfriend, so I don't see why a male roommate would be a deterrent. In any case, I usually don't mention him on the first couple dates..

 

Seems like you are providing the 'girlfriend experience' minus the sex. I think you might be in denial that you are being a pseudo wife here and it is bizarre that he says you moving in was the best thing when he has a girlfriend. Something is way strange there. I would avoid it for sure.

[CommittedToThis]

Long story short, I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood, then moved on to a couple physically and sexually abusive relationships. My next relationship lasted 6 years, we were engaged, he cheated on me and used me for sex, while I put everything I was on the backburner and lived for him so completely that I was nothing but a shell when he left me. And I was a destroyed person for years.

 

Hi SL,

 

Hope you are feeling better with the bronchitis.

 

I am so sorry you had to go thru such terrible experiences with some of your relationships; the fact you are connecting your childhood with why you found yourself tolerating abuse as an adult is a huge step.

 

It sounds like you've done some studying and hopefully have been working on daily self-love exercises. I'm in a similar situation as you only older and the self-love thing has really, truly helped me in my journey out of a 10-year disordered relationship.

 

As to your body type, I wouldn't see why any man wouldn't be physically attracted to you, like, immediately. Maybe it's just me but that type of figure is my personal ideal.

 

I wish you the best in continuing working on your self-love, trusting yourself to recognize and act on and red flags that come your way when you do date again, and of course hoping you find the man of your dreams soon.

[Sweetfish]

I wasn't ready to settle down before I solidified my career only to discover there are no options left now - same. But I think there are options left, it is just the kid time running out. People meet their mates even in nursing homes! I don't think available men ran out after 35

 

I just think it's unfair that man can do that and at 35+ still find a 25 year old and have 4 kids while a woman can't. - check the CEO of Spanx - I recently went to hear a presentation of hers - she married at 37 (eh career... and envious dudes), and then gave birth of 4 children.

 

 

Again and I quote.. Many women refuse to believe that after 35 they can still pull men as they did when they were 25. (The tables simply just turn eventually) With consideration to good genetics and/or very fit women. But the average women at best will have a much harder time after 35 and up to get good quality men in their age bracket.

 

The examples you gave are buffet selections on reality as a whole. I would think any CEO, female or male is capable of pulling the opposite sex.

 

BTW.. you mean Jan Singer who is a BILLIONAIRE.

[lana-banana]

You should do whatever you need to do to save money. But if I heard this from a potential partner regardless of gender it'd be a dealbreaker. If I were a stable professional man in my mid-30s I wouldn't want to deal with the hassles of roommates, and I definitely wouldn't want to walk into a weird pseudo-relationship situation like you seem to have. When you say "well, I have a male roommate that I do everything for who lets me live rent-free but don't worry, he has a girlfriend" and they're going to think drama drama drama is she 35 or 25? It doesn't matter if their judgment is fair or accurate, it's just what they're going to think.

[No_Go]

I meant Sarah Blakely, well billionaire as well, bit that wasn't my point.

 

There are things out of our control - like our ovarian reserve and genetics. BUT I hope you'll agree - our new worth and BMI are variables largely within our control. You can be given 'average' genes and still pull a good body and decent income, putting you in the appealing set of 35 year olds

 

And yeah, one may not become a billionaire and / or supermodel just by common sense and self-control, but you can still achieve way above the average, which is sufficient to attract mates.

 

Again and I quote.. Many women refuse to believe that after 35 they can still pull men as they did when they were 25. (The tables simply just turn eventually) With consideration to good genetics and/or very fit women. But the average women at best will have a much harder time after 35 and up to get good quality men in their age bracket.

 

The examples you gave are buffet selections on reality as a whole. I would think any CEO, female or male is capable of pulling the opposite sex.

 

BTW.. you mean Jan Singer who is a BILLIONAIRE.

[Weezy1973]

As I mentioned previously, when people have low self-worth and try to project perfection, they very often contradict themselves subconsciously to protect their fragile ego. Another example...

 

"my roommate is male and less that average attractiveness..." = I was relaying that he is having much more luck online than I, agreeing with a lot of the men on here saying that a man in his 30s has better dating odds than a woman in her 30s.

 

My roommate has a girlfriend, so I don't see why a male roommate would be a deterrent. In any case, I usually don't mention him on the first couple dates.

 

Does he have a girlfriend, or is he having luck online dating?

 

And of course abandonment issues will make dating and relationships a struggle if not dealt with. These issues usually run quite deep and need a lot of work. And of course would perfectly explain your struggles with dating...

[Sweetfish]

I meant Sarah Blakely, well billionaire as well, bit that wasn't my point.

 

There are things out of our control - like our ovarian reserve and genetics. BUT I hope you'll agree - our new worth and BMI are variables largely within our control. You can be given 'average' genes and still pull a good body and decent income, putting you in the appealing set of 35 year olds

 

And yeah, one may not become a billionaire and / or supermodel just by common sense and self-control, but you can still achieve way above the average, which is sufficient to attract mates.

 

I want to agree, but reality is reality.

 

A womens attraction at the very core is based on a males attributes. A mans core attraction is based on a females look.

 

We can dispute this all day long... but 100,000 years ago this is how we survived as a species. This is how we selected and moved forward. Today were just an upgraded operating system with complex choices clouding out primative basic function.

 

You cant compare the looks of a 40 year old women to a 25 year old women and a man will actively perfer the 25 year old women when it comes down to the basic needs.

 

The ONLY reason a man will chose an older women is maturity. 9 out 10 the only reason a man will pick an older women is the risk that he will have to deal with child like behavior or the stimga of robbing the craddle.

 

If your playing the BMI game late in the game the damaged is done male or female. Crows feet, wrinkles, grey hair men, can pull off. Add muscles, a home, intelligence, and character to him he is a stud.

[jay1983]

Have you thought about men who are maybe early to mid 40's?

 

I haven't read the whole thread, I'm sorry if you've already discussed it.

[Robert]

Note from moderation: we've banned at least half a dozen trolls from this thread as well the most recent responses. This is a reminder to use the Alert Us button to report them rather then engage. Thanks. ~6