How The Eff To Get A Boyfriend After 35

[Dark Horse]

I'm 21 and i'll date you. I'm not that bad of a guy, I want a gf too.

 

I guess that's a no?

 

:'(

Edited November 20, 2016 by Dark Horse

[Els]

Do you attend any mixed-sex hobby groups? A late 30s friend of mine just got hitched with a guy that she met through one of them when she was your age.

[Miss Peach]

I am in my 30s with a kid and I have to beat guys back with a stick most of the time. OLD can be tricky because there are a lot of men not willing to put in effort and/or are trolling for sex but good guys can be found there.

 

Don't even bother with the guys who can't ask a question and say more than two words. They'll never get any better IME.

 

Also I've had a lot of luck with meetup groups. It's a little slower to get dates there but I've found my last 3 BFs there in non-singles groups. Just be approachable and up your flirting skills and you'll find dates there.

[Lablue]

SilverLining,

 

As I read your post, I felt as if I had written it myself.

 

First of all, I know your frustration!

 

I am 33 soon to be 34 and dating in NYC.

 

It is HORRIBLE!!

 

They are interested for up to two months then nothing!!!

 

I, too, have been opened minded, and even dated guys who were older. Oldest was 43. Recently, I was seeing a 26 y.o. But, he was undecided if we were in a relationship or not. It was worse to tell me we were then to turn around and say we were not.

 

Age doesn't seem to make a difference. None of them knew what they wanted in the end. Yet, they seem to have no problem going after the next girl.

 

I've given up! I do not know what guys want anymore. The ones I have been coming across , both young and old want to be players.

 

Personally, I've done online dating but it failed miserably. I am not photogenic and been told a million times I look so much better in person than online. It can be hard. I have a friend who takes amazing photos, she use to model part time, and she would get TONS of messages and dates. Me not so much.

 

I really wish I could give you great insight about dating.

 

All I can say is go out , join groups, even ones that are not in your comfort zone.

 

Trying that myself.

 

Stay strong, and be you!!!

 

*hugs*

[stillafool]

SimpleNFit - I completely agree about the online dating. I suppose that dating older guys might be beneficial for me, but my parents are super young so it's difficult for me to wrap my head around dating someone 10+ years my age. Still, I suppose it can be an option.

 

Sweetfish, I'm thinking the same thing. One thing I am finding time and again - and maybe I'm way off here, but it seemed like a lot of these guys with average looks and personality (and I'm not knocking average, I consider myself average and I like average, most of us ARE average) are ignoring women of their level of attractiveness in pursuit of the hottest woman they could possibly get. And too many guys were just wanting something short term. Maybe I just need to move?

 

I've noticed there does seem to be some type of entitlement with men lately thinking they deserve the hottest woman they can find while being average/below average themselves. Some are actually whining about not being able to get a gf but what they mean is they can't get a really hot gf. There are men in their 30s/40s who are average and below wanting a 20 something hot gf. Get real.

[Herbalist]

Yall need to discover the magical world of being a weeb. Just get yourself a vibrator/fleshlight and develop a borderline-psychotic infatuation with anime people. Once you unlock your schizoid fantasy world powers, you'll never be sad about not dating again. Except for when you lose your internet connection.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yall need to discover the magical world of being a weeb. Just get yourself a vibrator/fleshlight and develop a borderline-psychotic infatuation with anime people. Once you unlock your schizoid fantasy world powers, you'll never be sad about not dating again. Except for when you lose your internet connection.

 

:lmao:: OMG that was so freaking funny :lmao:

[LookAtThisPOst]

+1 especially on the phone thing - it's such a "leave me alone and don't talk to me" message.

 

Yeah but...I bet a lot of women are thankful for this invention...otherwise they'd have to quickly grab something from the shelf to read if a guy they don't like tries to talk to them.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I am 33 soon to be 34 and dating in NYC.

 

It is HORRIBLE!!

 

One of the most massive cities on Earth and you're having a problem? And people here tell me I need to move from my small community to a larger one. :laugh:

[LookAtThisPOst]

 

Also I've had a lot of luck with meetup groups. It's a little slower to get dates there but I've found my last 3 BFs there in non-singles groups. Just be approachable and up your flirting skills and you'll find dates there.

 

Really? Some of the women I've met in Meetups have a "No dating within Meetup" policy so they basically hold the same rules to dating at work as they do with Meetup.

[Ryan_in_IL]

Here it is....online dating, social media has made it much easier to find/seek and not commit. Most people in your age group know all too well the benefits of FB, POF, OKC, EH, etc. as a tool to find potential, short-term relationships. Too young to settle down and too many opps to fiind the next best thing...and then move on.

 

As people get older, the more likely they'll seek a long term relationship, but even then, easier access makes it difficult. As a guy of late 40s seeking a relationship, imagine the number disgruntled women out there. Many women my age have been taken for a ride and used to the point that they are jaded.

 

I feel you. It sucks.

 

This says it perfectly. I have gone the online dating route, and majority of women are just waiting for the typical sex talk or naked selfie. It seems that's the common next step after establishing communication for the majority on online dating. A few female friends that have tried the online route end up hating it, but I'm sure there are at least a few good eggs out there.

[SilverLining]

Yay Ryan, someone from my state! How are you doing over there?

 

Wow, I didn't realize people were still messaging here. Thank you everyone. I'm really grateful for all of the advice. Regarding meetups, when I lived in Tokyo I went to a bunch of them and did online dating as well. I had many, many dates. However, when I moved back to the Chicago burbs it's just been terrible. Meetups only seem to take place in the city unless I'm looking for an older crowd or a mom meetup. I don't feel like driving 40 min to an hour to go to the city several times a week - I'm usually exhausted after work.

 

I tried messaging people online that were average but who I found attractive. There were a few guys that I would say were decidedly below average. Nothing. Went through their questions - this is on OKCupid - and we had answered similarly on almost everything...this is with several guys. No response from any of them. I don't get it. I was talking to my male roommate about it, and he was telling me that he thought I was above average in looks, and he couldn't figure out why I'm not getting responses. I would show him the pictures of the guys, and show him my message, and he'd ask me if I heard from the guy yet and was just surprised that I never did hear from any of them. I just don't know what to do.

[SilverLining]

Also, what women are waiting for sex talk? I hate it when guys start talking about sex and I'm surprised that some women put up with it. Unless I know the guy I have zero interest in talking about sex with him.

[Teraskas]

Male here, but aged 25. (And from Belgium.)

Many traits which you listed are similar to mine.

 

And sadly I'm in a similar situation.

 

Can't meet anyone through work.

(Currently unemployed, but back when I had a job it was all male-dominated, barely any women. Those that were around were either out of my age range or just got out of lengthy relationships.)

Grocery store option is a joke. Don't get approached, and those that I do approach are unreceptive / don't appreciate it. Even when I know several of them who are single.)

Hobbies: Fitness --> Same as grocery store. Women are annoyed when you approach them.

World War II reenactment & oldtimer club: Close to 0 women my age.

Those that I do see are in relationships.

I for one would be THRILLED for women to approach me, or heck...even send me a 1st message on OLD.

But thus far, that's only happened 5 times and those were all fake profiles. xD

 

As mentioned, to me it's difficult to meet women.

Friends whom I used to know from university are all in relationships or went their separate ways.

In my current group of friends I'm the only single guy, so that doesn't exactly help things either.

I've talked to my friends and asked them whether or not they potentially know someone to whom they could introduce me.

(The mutual friends argument.) Nothing ever materialised from that.

If I had a Dollar / Euro every time nothing happened, I'd be a billionaire.

 

Been dating for almost 5 years now

(Excluding my last relationship past February till June due to her mother and 2 sisters being manically depressive.

Thus leading to never having time for me, not loving me anymore despite doing everything for her...going even as far as transporting her & her family to these centers where they were admitted, etc.), and it's been a complete joke / painful road.

A reenactment friend of mine got out of a relationship, meets someone 2 months afterwards when he wasn't doing any effort.

I know plenty of people in my immediate surroundings who had things handed to them on a silver platter without having to go through YEARS of pain, rejection, etc. in dating.

What do I get ? Women who aren't interested in me, the "I don't know what I want / Don't know why I'm even here." types, women who are in relationships, women who hold me responsible for all the mistakes past men have made in their dating lives, downright man hating women, women who put a massive emphasis on shallow appearance, etc. The list goes on.

"You're not my type: you're not tall enough" (I'm 1m85 so not exactly the smallest person on the planet.),

"You're not my type: not physically attracted to you." "You're ugly and fat, and I'd be ashamed to walk the streets with you.", etc.

Sure, I might not be the best looking person...but appearance fades with time. So much for personality winning things.

 

What's most frustrating is that compared to other men my age, I'm mentally years ahead of them.

Contrary to a "quick hookup" I'm looking for long term, stability, etc.

Date older women you say ?

Oh, I tried. Only to be continuously bombarded with the "You're too young" argument based solely on age rather than substance.

Trust me, I might be young, but I know what I want compared to most dudes my age.

Or as my friends jokingly say "Older guy trapped in a younger guy body."

And lately it's been a plague where nearly every woman I dated in the past suddenly gets into a relationship out of nowhere.

At times I'm really starting to think that I'm never good enough DESPITE having so much going for me, lol.

 

Believe me, I've seen it all in these years and I'm beyond tired of it.

I just wished it would stop, some way to break free of this cycle and be done with it.

Heck, a family and being married are things which I have no issue with at this point.

To me, it's just ridiculous that women have SO MUCH power compared to men in the 18-30 category.

And when their options at around age 40 start to run out, THEN suddenly we...the ignored, the rejected are good enough.

I think in all this time I've perhaps rejected 3 women in total ?

For valid reasons such as not speaking the same language, different language but their English was massively sub par, and someone who only wanted a LDR.

 

At any rate: don't come over to Belgium if you're looking for another dating pool.

Most women here are already "America Medium" in terms of shallowness, while barely bringing anything to the table themselves.

Edited December 11, 2016 by Teraskas

[MisterRoySpike]

I'm educated, well traveled, and a great person but I just seem to be alone all the time. It's been this way for years. When I was in my mid20s I was in a 6 year relationship that just destroyed me, and I spent the next 5 years or so casually dating and pushing people away because I just was not ready to be vulnerable again. Now I'm ready, and have been ready, but it's just not happening.

 

When I was overseas I was living in Japan, which is pretty well-known for western women having difficulties dating. When I got back I ended up moving in with my friend in the Chicago burbs. This is a nice area, but nothing is going on here - everyone just goes to the city, which is a drive and then when you factor in traffic and expensive parking...ugh. I lost touch with a lot of friends when I went overseas, and many of them moved away, which means I only have a handful left, none of which can really introduce me to anyone single and interesting. My family live in another state and never introduce me to anyone. I've tried bars in my area and in Chicago, but I'm always overlooked for younger, cute girls...not that I blame the guys, I used to be one of those young cute girls too!

 

I've tried online dating, but I generally get tons of messages from guys that I am not attracted to at all...and I'm trying to be really openminded by not going for 'hot guys', just average men...overweight and bald can be ok if the personality is good. When I message guys I don't tend to get a response. When I finally AM talking to someone he immediately starts talking about sex, or he has nothing going on in his life besides watching football and drinking beer, or responses are like 1-2 words and I'm incredibly bored. I really try to talk to these guys, I ask them questions and I try to steer the conversation to fun things but eventually we both give up and stop talking to each other. Meeting guys tends to go nowhere. I went on a date and he said he was really attracted to me and was happy that I seemed so smart. We talked for hours and had some really interesting conversation. Then he messaged me for an additional 2 hours after the date. Then...nothing. A guy before that met me, said he was really interested in me, asked me out again and again said he was interested, asked me out again...and then stopped talking to me. No idea why - I asked if we were still going to go out and there was never a response. The guy before that - we chatted on the phone, he said he really wanted to meet me, when I tried to set something up there was silence.

 

I know I'm not the most insanely beautiful and interesting person ever, but I have had a lot of men tell me that I'm attractive and that they can't understand why I am still single. Those men are always attached though - friends, and exes. So, there has to be someone out there for me? I'm not a headcase - in fact I've had more than a few guys tell me I was great to be in a relationship with, or that I was laid back and fun...my last boyfriend told me I was the best girl he had ever been in a relationship with.

 

What are other girls doing? What are guys doing? Can any men on here explain why all this ghosting is happening?

 

All this time I thought the grass was greener on the other side of online dating. I guess it isn't. I can't speak for all "nice guys" and it's debatable whether or not I can truly be considered a "nice guy," but I can tell you that guys like me are VERY disillusioned with online dating. With few of the sites being free, a lot of us are leery of sinking 20 bucks a month into something that might not give us any results, and might not be willing to say goodbye to our money when it's time to part ways. I imagine women probably have a similar opinion, so about 90% are non-subscribers with free membership, which provides a lot of unscreened riff-raff. We find a profile, she seems like she might be a perfect match, we work up the courage to send the message, hoping that it stands out amongst the thousands of creeps she's likely to be fending off, and... nothing. Or maybe something: OKCupid was notorious for almost robotic replies which immediately stopped when I asked about trading phone numbers and/or actual dates. There's the occasional one who seems nice, but she coldly shoots us down because we only make X-thousand a year (and we're the shallow ones?). We eventually get tired of sorting through the gold-diggers, catfish, and fake profiles and we give up on OLD, leaving only the gross perverts and small name/big ego trolls who think their banal commentary is actually funny to harass women until they give up, but the site keeps their profile up and the process repeats itself.

 

I actually met my wife through OLD, but that was during it's 1998-2003 heyday when it was a different beast. After she died I tried it again and experienced the above.

 

I get the sense that, like me, you're not a social butterfly and rely on feedback. We don't get it, because society has churned out this new generation of cowards who prefer to run away rather than give honest answers. When someone says no, we at least get some closure, mere silence is not an answer, just a sign of disrespect.

 

It sounds like if I lived in Chicago, I'd be trying to work up the courage to ask you out.

[lovely81]

I'm in the same boat--same age. I know how frustrating and confusing it is and how we so want there to be an answer and a path to lead us to "the one."

 

That said, I think I get a lot more male attention now than when I was younger because I am happier with myself, smile more, and listen to others more. I haven't found "the one," but learning to be present and not plotting and worrying so much has made me a lot more approachable and more open. IMO, listening and smiling are probably more important than hotness or cool interests in attracting people--well, at least the type of people you can really connect with.

 

I think another boon of this age is that our eyes are more open to how much we have to be grateful for. A sunny day, a cup of coffee, a healthy body, watching kids playing--these joys are accessible to us no matter what. And as single people we have remarkable freedom!

Edited December 13, 2016 by lovely81

[Cora]

In the same boat here too. I'm only a year younger than you and it seems like an impossible task to find a single, available, honest man who is looking for more than just a hook up. Online dating is a joke! People tell me all the time "oh you'll find someone when you least expect it." I've been hearing that for years and frankly I'm just tired of that phrase no matter how true it may be. I've come to accept the fact if it happens it happens, but I'm not going to go out looking for a guy to date anymore.

[SilverLining]

Cora - I hate hate HATE that phrase! It makes you almost feel ashamed for actually WANTING to be in a relationship. Relationships don't 'just happen'. First of all, someone needs to approach. Someone needs to put in the effort. Someone needs to be receptive and put in effort as well. It doesn't happen by just sitting around hoping someone perfect for you will fall out of the sky!

 

Lovely81 - I really love the positivity in your post. I want to get back to that place within myself. Every since moving back to America I've been just so unhappy. It's very hard to make friends, no family here, my job is exhausting and I feel like a zombie at the end of the day. I'm usually a very happy person and I live for the breaks when I feel like I return to myself. I'm thinking a move and a job change is in order for me.

 

MisterRoySpike - thank you so much for the compliment. I will say however that I do not like to give out my number to someone I don't know. I don't understand why so many guys just ask for your number immediately, in like, the second or even the first message! Who are all these girls who give out their numbers to random people they don't know??? I'm on OKC. I'm on Tinder (hate it). I'm on Bumble. It's so frustrating.

 

Teraskas - I have to admit, I do steer clear of younger guys. It's because 1. maybe 90% are looking for a hookup from a 'cougar', and 2. I want marriage and kids relatively soon and I don't know many 25 year olds that would be ready for that. I'm really sorry. You seem like a great guy. The only positive advice I have to offer is that you are *only* 25. That's pretty young yet, and even though a lot of people are in relationships around you, tons of people are not.

 

A suggestion - have you thought of going to back to university? You could potentially meet someone through school, or taking classes, or something.

[SilverLining]

UPDATE...

 

I finally met someone who seemed to like me. Smart guy, we had a fun date - so I thought. He invited me out again. He also started messaging me every day, and when I went to visit family over the weekend he encouraged me to call. We had a short but decent conversation. The second date...I don't know. Every conversation seemed to be steered towards sex. We seemed pretty comfortable with each other - both honest and straightforward people - but it wasn't a date where I learned more about him or he learned much more about me, it seemed. In any case, he didn't really seem like he wanted to know about me. That night, we messaged back and forth and he told me he was tired but he was interested in me. A day later, I asked him if he wanted to go out again. He replies, "Oh yes, question is when." The week goes by...nothing. Weekend...nothing. I message him on Sunday to ask if we are still talking, and he sends me a few pictures. I respond, and no answer.

 

Sadly, this is what I tend to get more often than not. I have so many messages from guys and it's hard to keep up the energy to try to converse with these guys when this is what I'm getting time after time.

 

I'm currently talking with a guy that I think isn't that attractive, but we have a ton in common and I'm pretty excited because I think that if anything he might be MY type of guy - cultured, smart, mature, communicative, fun. Not to mention that he described what he is looking for and it completely matches me. I'm sure I'll be here in a couple days though, talking about how I never heard from him after the last message.

[MisterRoySpike]

 

MisterRoySpike - thank you so much for the compliment. I will say however that I do not like to give out my number to someone I don't know. I don't understand why so many guys just ask for your number immediately, in like, the second or even the first message! Who are all these girls who give out their numbers to random people they don't know??? I'm on OKC. I'm on Tinder (hate it). I'm on Bumble. It's so frustrating.

 

Teraskas - I have to admit, I do steer clear of younger guys. It's because 1. maybe 90% are looking for a hookup from a 'cougar', and 2. I want marriage and kids relatively soon and I don't know many 25 year olds that would be ready for that. I'm really sorry. You seem like a great guy. The only positive advice I have to offer is that you are *only* 25. That's pretty young yet, and even though a lot of people are in relationships around you, tons of people are not.

 

A suggestion - have you thought of going to back to university? You could potentially meet someone through school, or taking classes, or something.

 

 

I never really did it right away, it took a while for me to work up the courage. I always respected their answer (this was when they actually gave an answer) and followed their lead. After my wife died, I learned the HARD way just how much OLD had changed, "I've had some bad experiences here so I need proof that you're genuine." I quit OLD when I saw what it was turning me into. Been curious about Bumble's approach where the girls ask out the guys, but I've heard horror stories about fake profiles.

 

If Teraskas does go back to school, then make sure its a nonprofit university instead of a for-profit one. Nonprofit and for-profit colleges HATE each other, and getting credits to transfer from one to another will result in some major headaches. Thought about going back to school myself, TBH, I'm in a college town where I don't know anybody outside of work, and that degree I got from ITT Tech might not be worth the paper it was printed on. But since I made the mistake of actually graduating, rather than dropping out, it's harder for me to get rid of the student loan debt.

 

Re: that phrase, I actually did have more success with women when I wasn't looking and let them come to me, unfortunately, I don't think that's an option for me this time, I get the sense that this time, I have to get myself out there.

[Teraskas]

Teraskas - I have to admit, I do steer clear of younger guys. It's because 1. maybe 90% are looking for a hookup from a 'cougar', and 2. I want marriage and kids relatively soon and I don't know many 25 year olds that would be ready for that. I'm really sorry. You seem like a great guy. The only positive advice I have to offer is that you are *only* 25. That's pretty young yet, and even though a lot of people are in relationships around you, tons of people are not.

 

A suggestion - have you thought of going to back to university? You could potentially meet someone through school, or taking classes, or something.

 

Perhaps, but I find that these days society puts too much of an emphasis on the "Age = maturity & experience" paradigm.

Sadly I know far too many people around age 30 and up who have the emotional maturity of a rock.

Prime example is that reenactment friend I mentioned.

He's 28, she's 31. One time when she wasn't present I heard him say (and I quote.) "I'm not going out anymore because I'd only meet better ones than her. Have to make the best of it I guess."

I mean, REALLY ? To add even more insult to injury: he isn't a good / great person at all lol.

 

Honestly, I'd be glad to be over and done with dating at this point.

Ideally I always liked to be married & get started with children before the age of 30, but at this point that's very unlikely to happen.

 

Hmm, perhaps. But it's undeniably tough when I can't find women between age 18 to 30 who are on the same mental wavelength as myself or the 25 till 35 crowd who don't bother with me.

Despite having all but driven my standards into the ground over these years.

 

I had considered that option for a while, seeing as I met my 1st gf through Mutual classes.

But honestly, I don't see the point of it anymore.

By that time I'd be 28/29, and even further behind on "job experience", etc. Plus an additional issue there would be that I'd be overqualified for plenty of jobs. At the moment it's already hard enough to find something with the current degree as it is.

Prime example is the nearby supermarket: We've got Masters in Applied Linguistics and Economics stacking the shelves.

So, yeah...

Having read the previous post: I don't even know ANY non-profit colleges / universities.

The ones I do know off the top of my head are all profit related.

 

Sorry to hear that SilverLining. :/

I'm experiencing similar situations.

I meet a woman my age, similar traits, we get talking...and suddenly they stop replying. Even when I see they've read my messages.

And I too am tired of being the only one who puts in effort to carry the conversation and all that. xD

Edited December 15, 2016 by Teraskas

[SilverLining]

It's terrible to see people experiencing this. There has to be a better way. Maybe a form where people can rate you based on behavior - ghosting, sexting, disrespect, etc...and you can be banned for having more than a few cancelled dates or ghosting.

 

Update again - I finally texted the guy I went on 2 dates with (last communication was Monday and it wasn't a conversation, just "GM" hours after I said "good morning", no response to my texts after, then asking if we are still talking about a week later and getting 7 pictures and "I like the snow" and again, no response when I messaged back). I messaged him last night asking him to delete my number since he has clearly lost interest, and he messaged back today saying he would. I feel completely rejected and I'm clueless as to why this is happening yet again. All I can think of is that I have rotten luck and these guys start talking to someone they think is more attractive so I get ignored.

[IfonlyIknew]

I'm sure I'll be here in a couple days though, talking about how I never heard from him after the last message.

 

This one stung after reading through this to see you calling it in the end.

There seems to be a pattern here. Was that one an online dater? Ive seemed to experience this common situation with them. I would find out later on that there was always someone else, I think a lot of them tip toe around the online world out of boredom or just to see what they can get, they meet, they change their mind as fast as hitting delete online. I was single for 4 years until my current bf is the only one things have worked out with and the difference is we met in person, I don't get it either.

[IfonlyIknew]

Wait you are from Chicago? Me too.. I have a single 37 year old cousin in Elmwood Park oh gawd Lol..

[Shining One]

All I can think of is that I have rotten luck and these guys start talking to someone they think is more attractive so I get ignored.

I wouldn't say it's necessarily a case of someone more attractive. When multi-dating, things progress with different people at different rates. Let's say I'm dating Woman A and Woman B. Woman A may objectively be more attractive, but things progress faster with Woman B. If I'm "uncertain" about the potential with Woman A and "certain" about the potential with Woman B, then I'll usually choose Woman B.

 

With that being said, you may be right in that the men are choosing to pursue more attractive women. A woman is much more than just her physical attributes. What are you bringing to the table to be more attractive (not just physically attractive) than the other women out there? You don't have to answer that, it's just something for you to think about.