How The Eff To Get A Boyfriend After 35

[JustGettingBy]

It's terrible to see people experiencing this. There has to be a better way. Maybe a form where people can rate you based on behavior - ghosting, sexting, disrespect, etc...and you can be banned for having more than a few cancelled dates or ghosting.

 

 

Likely not, dating services make the most of their money by people who use it, never landing anything long term. Banning the people who keep them in business will destroy any business that operates like that.

[SilverLining]

Shining One, I don't quite understand...what do I bring to the table? I bring quite a lot to the table. If we are talking looks, I may well be average. That's alright - I have always had interested men and there have been uninterested men and I think it evens out. Aside from looks, I'm educated, well traveled, adventurous, fun, and overall I'm a really great person to date. My last boyfriend said I was the best girlfriend he had ever had, and pretty much everyone else I have ever dated has said that even though things may not have worked out, I could not be faulted as a person. I have always been loving, affectionate, generous, understanding, romantic, and reasonable.

 

I'm also a good person - I am empathetic, honest, loyal, caring. I'm the kind of person who overhears a mother telling her daughter they can't afford a toy, and I'll buy it for them anonymously. I just got a black eye 2 weeks ago because I tried to help a woman who was being verbally abused by her husband. I've sat on the side of the road with a mother who was abandoning her children with her parents and talked with her for hours about it. In smaller ways, I'm the kind of person who encourages her boyfriend to spend time with his family and friends, I'm extremely supportive of his needs, and I'm the kind of person who moves for a significant other or otherwise takes on sacrifice for the good of the relationship.

 

I'm a very good person, a lot of people are genuinely surprised that I am single - my ex boyfriends are surprised I am still single! - but the point is that no one is willing to learn any of these things about me because no one is willing to put in the time and effort to get to know me. And even if they did, I'm well aware that I can be ignored for someone more attractive. That's just how it is.

[SilverLining]

IfOnlyIKnew - it honestly never even occurred to me to think there could already be someone else! That's really gross. I really, really hope no one I met has been like that, but sadly I'm sure it has happened once or twice. What a concept!

 

I AM in the Chicago burbs! Currently I'm around the Orland/Tinley area. I moved here after living overseas for a few years - I have no family in this state and most of my friends moved away during the years I was overseas. I know Elmwood Park - I used to live in Oak and Forest Park before I went overseas and I loved the area. Thinking about moving back there. It's so difficult to meet people here.

[Els]

Shining One, I don't quite understand...what do I bring to the table?

 

I think that poster is just projecting his issues on you.

 

Dating isn't really a competition, as much as some folks here like to claim that it is. I mean, sure, you need to have your **** together - be living independently from your parents, have some form of employment, be a considerate and good person, be in reasonable health and shape, be a decent conversationalist. But that's all something that you should already do for other reasons (and it sounds like you do).

 

Anything more than that is just personal preference. And that really just comes down to luck and meeting people - meeting the right one for you. You don't need to try and enter into some sort of 'competition' with other women the way Shining One is suggesting - that's just propagating the whole 'catty women' trope. Awful. Other women are friends, not foes. If a man chooses another woman instead of you, it just means he isn't compatible with you. On to the next.

 

Your location and social circle matters a lot, I've found, and unfortunately much of it is also plain luck.

[Shining One]

Shining One, I don't quite understand...what do I bring to the table? I bring quite a lot to the table. If we are talking looks, I may well be average. That's alright - I have always had interested men and there have been uninterested men and I think it evens out. Aside from looks, I'm educated, well traveled, adventurous, fun, and overall I'm a really great person to date. My last boyfriend said I was the best girlfriend he had ever had, and pretty much everyone else I have ever dated has said that even though things may not have worked out, I could not be faulted as a person. I have always been loving, affectionate, generous, understanding, romantic, and reasonable.

You don't have to convince me... you're not trying to date me. I merely brought it up as food for thought. There are plenty of women like you who bring a lot to the table. The problem is they often fail to convey these things.

 

I honestly have no idea if or why other men may be choosing other women over you. This is just one possibility.

I think that poster is just projecting his issues on you.

Actually, the OP brought up the possibility that men may be choosing other women over her. I was merely expanding on that possibility. I was not accusing the OP of not bringing enough to the table.

Dating isn't really a competition, as much as some folks here like to claim that it is.

If I recall correctly, you don't have much experience multi-dating. It is very competitive.

[Els]

If I recall correctly, you don't have much experience multi-dating. It is very competitive.

 

Didn't the OP specify that her aim was a LTR, not to multi-date? Multi-dating may be one potential route to an LTR (one that I am skeptical of, but it works for some people), but it certainly isn't the only route.

[Shining One]

Didn't the OP specify that her aim was a LTR, not to multi-date? Multi-dating may be one potential route to an LTR (one that I am skeptical of, but it works for some people), but it certainly isn't the only route.

I've found multiple relationships by multi-dating. However, specific to the OP, if the men are choosing other women over her as she believes, then they are likely multi-dating.

[Els]

I've found multiple relationships by multi-dating. However, specific to the OP, if the men are choosing other women over her as she believes, then they are likely multi-dating.

 

But none of this is pertinent to her goal.

 

Let me put this more bluntly - if you need to 'compete' with another woman for a man, he likely wasn't the right person for you. Relationships are about compatibility. Even if you 'edge out the competition' and 'snag the guy/girl'... if you weren't paying attention to compatibility in the first place, the relationship won't last past the honeymoon stage. So what's the point?

 

I firmly believe this applies to any LTR attained via any route. If your goal is to get points on the multi-dating scoreboard by figuring out how many people you can 'get', then sure, be 'competitive', I guess. Otherwise, IMO if you want a relationship that lasts, the best thing you can do is to be the best version of yourself, and prioritize compatibility.

[Shining One]

Let me put this more bluntly - if you need to 'compete' with another woman for a man, he likely wasn't the right person for you. Relationships are about compatibility. Even if you 'edge out the competition' and 'snag the guy/girl'... if you weren't paying attention to compatibility in the first place, the relationship won't last past the honeymoon stage. So what's the point?

You certainly should not ignore compatibility. I don't see why being competitive means you would have to ignore compatibility.

Otherwise, IMO if you want a relationship that lasts, the best thing you can do is to be and convey the best version of yourself, and prioritize compatibility.

I agree with this, with my addition in bold. The OP brings a lot to the table. She should ensure that she's conveying that.

[SilverLining]

I honestly would expect anyone to multi-date. It's good to get out and meet different people, not put all your eggs into one basket. I talk to more than one man and I expect he is talking to more than one girl.

 

Elswyth - I agree with you that it is personal preference, and that location and luck have much to do with it. I also think it's much, much harder at this age to find someone who doesn't have issues and who isn't jaded. And I agree that dating isn't and shouldn't be 'competitive' - it's all about compatibility and the right guy won't expect you to jump through hoops.

 

Shining One - it does sound like I'm trying to convince you, doesn't it? Haha no, I was trying to get to your point about bringing something to the table and perhaps did it badly. I completely understand your point about multi-dating: you are dating more than one person and eventually one does stand out from the rest because you begin to feel a stronger connection. I would completely understand that.

 

My point is, these guys are ghosting before we even get to any type of connection. I've thought about this a lot and I really, really don't think the problem is me. I am positive, polite, I don't bring up uncomfortable subjects unless the other person is interested. At the end of my date the guy usually walks me to my car, tries to kiss me, says he really wants to see me again, says he's interested. One guy said that he was surprised by how much he liked me on a first date - another said that he never kisses anyone on the first date, but then kissed me anyway. These guys start messaging me after the dates and everything seems great and then....nothing. I've not said anything upsetting, there is no second date (except the one person that I've just stopped speaking to).

 

I met one guy and I didn't feel much of a connection. He never contacted me again after meeting. I had absolutely no problem with that at all. It's the guys that are going out of their way to say they have an interest and then just ghost that I can't understand. And yeah, I'm thinking they have met someone they consider more attractive.

 

I just asked my roommate (male). He says he thinks what's going on is that these guys realize I'm not a quick lay and they end up ignoring me for whoever is going to have sex with them. I don't know, but it is another opinion from someone who knows me. He says whatever it is, it can't be me unless I've been acting weird for some reason.

[Marc878]

You have a lot going for you. From your posts you're smart and if that is your real pic attractive as well.

 

You need to go for quality, quantity doesn't matter. I suspect a lot of guys will feel inadequate around you. Nothing of value for you there anyway.

 

Look around for some meet ups that interest

[Marc878]

On a side note if you're ever in Chicago and get the chance try dinner at Lecolonial. It's French/Vietnamese. One of my all time favorites.

 

Definitely get the oxtail soup. Their deep fried snapper is great as well.

[SilverLining]

Marc878, that is so kind of you to say. Yes, that's my real picture. I really appreciate it because - and I'm sure it's obvious - my confidence is sure taking a hit here...

 

I will for sure check that restaurant out. When I was in Paris I had ox cheek at a restaurant in the Eiffel Tower. And surprisingly enough, the first 'real' French cuisine I ever ate was in Cambodia and Vietnam.

 

Maybe I just need to move overseas again? My most recent dating experience - and probably the most extensive, as before I was mostly in longterm relationships - was overseas dating Europeans, Brits, and Aussies. Maybe I am just not meshing with American guys anymore?

[Marc878]

Finding Mr Right can't be rushed. I suspect it'll happen when you least expect it and aren't really looking.

 

However, that is the best kind.

[Cailinsona]

I think meeting the right person is a mix of luck, good timing, effort and being open to a relationship.

 

I could have written your post ten years ago. I'm recently married, but spent many years as a single woman.

 

I spent a lot of time single due to studying/education and working long hours (I'm a physician), travelling and working overseas, enjoying the single life and not looking to settle down when the majority of good men were available (when I was 20-32).

 

I was probably guilty of overlooking a lot of wonderful guy friends, who in retrospect would have made great life partners. My most serious relationship before meeting my now husband was between the ages of 18-22. He wanted to marry me, but I wasn't ready to commit at such a young age. With the naivete of youth, I also expected there to be many more such opportunities awaiting me in the future- which turned out not to be the case!

 

I made a conscious decision in my mid 30s to change my approach to dating, as my easy going approach to just getting on with my life and casually dating wasn't bringing me any closer to meeting someone special.

 

What did I do?

 

I moved to a different city (a great job opportunity came up) where there were more single men available to meet, I expanded my search criteria in terms of age and educational background, I decided to date more seriously (I asked friends to set me up and I went on a lot of online dates). I didn't waste any time worrying about men who didn't get back to me, rather viewing it as a good way to filter out undependable, less serious guys. Trust me, a man who likes you will be reliable and won't leave you wondering what's going on and if you will see him again.

 

I knew I would still be happy if I remained single, but I also knew that I wanted a life partner and it would suck if I stayed single through sheer lack of effort on my part!

 

I'm very lucky, as I did meet a wonderful man through online dating. We never would have crossed paths in real life, and whilst I had to go on a lot of dates before I met him, each date gave me more knowledge regarding what was important to me and each date brought me one step closer to meeting someone.

 

It wasn't always easy and there were times when I was tired and grumpy and just wanted to throw in the towel, but in the end I am very glad that I persevered.

 

I wish you lots of luck.

 

Maybe think outside the box a little? Try meeting someone a bit different or try other methods (I really liked speed dating, which I avoided for ages as I thought I would hate it!) After all, you never know what one simple step may lead to.....

Edited December 17, 2016 by Cailinsona

[AllIsWell]

This is an interesting thread.

 

If that is you in the picture then you are gorgeous!

 

Anyway thought I'd share my story. I'm 30 years old. I've had 2 relationships but these consisted of being with each girl about 4 months. I met both of them online, one on Match.com and one on eHarmony.

 

Both of them were more 'experienced' than me and whilst I was never one to wait til marriage to have sex, I did want it to be in a meaningful relationship. Suffice to say their sexual forwardness (that most guys would jump at) put me off and put them off and the relationships ended soon after.

 

Through my 20s I must have been on 50-60 dates with different people but as I feel very clear about who and what I want I didn't pursue things even if I knew the girl liked me because it wasn't what I wanted.

 

Before I used to work in the City and meeting people was easy. However, I didn't like the idea of hooking up with co-workers like other people did and as I live with my parents at home there was no way I was going to take girls back home so I never pursued that.

 

I've never been into bars or clubs as I'm not that forward a guy and I find the environment to be not conducive to actually meeting someone and learning more about them.

 

Fast forward and now I'm 30 and building 2 businesses. I've written a book, am a semi-professional musician and have loads of friends and loving family. But I'm the LAST guy in my entire family who is single.

 

As I am working hard on my businesses and don't meet people through work now, I don't get out a lot. I keep myself in decent shape and even though I'm losing my hair now, if I shaved it or kept it short I'd still look decent I think. Many people are shocked I am single and think I'm too picky for which they are probably correct.

 

I accepted a year ago that it is possible I might be alone my whole life and funnily enough it didn't upset or scare me. I LOVE my own company and have frequently gone on holiday, to dinner, to the movies etc. by myself with no awkwardness. I do feel though that looking at the younger generations I might be missing out on something. Add to the fact I'm pretty much a 30 year old virgin it adds to this stigma (especially when my last girlfriend found it to almost be freakish and even said to me once "it's like molesting a child trying to be intimate with you").

 

I tried to find people like me but it seems that everyone else in a similar situation is a victim of abuse, had some terrible event happen to them or something. I've literally had none of that but this part of life has passed me by even though I've done a hell of a lot more with it in other ways.

 

It's just nice to see there are similar people out there. Sometimes the painful thing about our experiences is not that we have them, but that we believe we are the only ones going through them.

 

AllIsWell

[butterfly84]

First of all, i wanted to start my response with "hey girl" - because from reading some of your posts I know how you feel! It's harder to meet people at this phase in our lives i think. For me I think another issue is most of my friends don't want to go out as much because they are either already married or dating people, or busy/working a lot (myself included sometimes).

 

I do not have much dating experience because I was tied up in relationships for most of my life so when I have read about 'ghosting' i just don't get it either. When I think of myself if I wasn't interested in a guy I would at least reply back and say so or at least say something. But that's because we're more respectful people and empathetic.

 

Anyway, I don't know if i added anything to help other than if you need some support from a total stranger in this regard I am going through the same thing, I understand!

[SilverLining]

Hey Butterfly84. Thanks for the support! You rock!

 

So, my exboyfriend is in town visiting family. We hung out and it's clear he likes me so much, but that relationship is never going to work out. On one hand it's a bit depressing - ugh yet ANOTHER guy that's not working out - but on the other hand it's a really great reminder that I'm an awesome, likable person.

 

I turn 36 in a couple months. I'm getting worried.

[AMJ]

 

I just asked my roommate (male). He says he thinks what's going on is that these guys realize I'm not a quick lay and they end up ignoring me for whoever is going to have sex with them. I don't know, but it is another opinion from someone who knows me. He says whatever it is, it can't be me unless I've been acting weird for some reason.

 

This is 100% completely accurate. You are doing nothing wrong, other than having high expectations for online dating. The vast majority of guys you'll meet on all those sites you listed are just looking to have a good time..."and see what happens."

 

As for the guys who are actually interested in dating you- They think, you are 35 and single, never married, which means you have high expectations for a partner. That puts tons of pressure on men who are interested because they think they'll never measure up and make you happy.

 

Clearly they'll never admit this, they'd rather just ghost you and make you think you're getting rejected. All to save themselves certain rejection down the road.

 

I'd say to get off of the free sites and join one that people take more seriously because they pay to use it- like match. And start having zero expectations from online dating, so you won't be as disappointed.

 

Or even put less energy into online dating and more energy into something else outside of work- whatever that may be. You seem really cool, you won't be a spinster forever

[BluesPower]

Dear you are a beauty, the must be something wrong with the men in your area.

 

Just keep your head up, I think in the long run you are going to be ok.

[BoaConstrictor]

I have a good friend in your position as well. She's upper thirties, smart, educated, and attractive. In her case, she hasn't had many relationships and likely lacks the self-confidence to communicate her interest or attraction to men in real life. In your case, that doesn't appear to be the issue at all. When I was visiting her recently, I went through the "Bumble" app with her and was dismayed by the selection. Half of the men could be ruled out immediately, because they were only posting because they were in her city for the week-end and wanted some fun.

 

The other half were better but of varying ages and looks. She managed to find a few she could "swipe right", but it was usually the same story. They would write a few times and then....nothing. Just like you say.

 

I'm intrigued by the idea that foreign men like you and you like them. What about finding some bars in Chicago where foreign guys are? Or universities with foreign grad students or professors? Foreign film festivals? I don't know.

 

I know this seems labor intensive. I'm just trying to think of ways that you could find men who you click with better, who are going to see you and see all that you have to offer and pursue you more aggressively.

[IfonlyIknew]

Hey Butterfly84. Thanks for the support! You rock!

 

So, my exboyfriend is in town visiting family. We hung out and it's clear he likes me so much, but that relationship is never going to work out. On one hand it's a bit depressing - ugh yet ANOTHER guy that's not working out - but on the other hand it's a really great reminder that I'm an awesome, likable person.

 

I turn 36 in a couple months. I'm getting worried.

 

 

Do you want to take a shot and meet my cousin? He has a great job in the union in Chicago, old soul type of guy, he's Italian, rides a Harley, tryin to think what else.. , you guys sound like you're in the same boat... a little different route than OLD!

 

If you want you can scope out his FB page/pics up to you, just putting it out there!

[Aesc]

I'm educated, well traveled, and a great person but I just seem to be alone all the time. It's been this way for years. When I was in my mid20s I was in a 6 year relationship that just destroyed me, and I spent the next 5 years or so casually dating and pushing people away because I just was not ready to be vulnerable again. Now I'm ready, and have been ready, but it's just not happening.

 

When I was overseas I was living in Japan, which is pretty well-known for western women having difficulties dating. When I got back I ended up moving in with my friend in the Chicago burbs. This is a nice area, but nothing is going on here - everyone just goes to the city, which is a drive and then when you factor in traffic and expensive parking...ugh. I lost touch with a lot of friends when I went overseas, and many of them moved away, which means I only have a handful left, none of which can really introduce me to anyone single and interesting. My family live in another state and never introduce me to anyone. I've tried bars in my area and in Chicago, but I'm always overlooked for younger, cute girls...not that I blame the guys, I used to be one of those young cute girls too!

 

I've tried online dating, but I generally get tons of messages from guys that I am not attracted to at all...and I'm trying to be really openminded by not going for 'hot guys', just average men...overweight and bald can be ok if the personality is good. When I message guys I don't tend to get a response. When I finally AM talking to someone he immediately starts talking about sex, or he has nothing going on in his life besides watching football and drinking beer, or responses are like 1-2 words and I'm incredibly bored. I really try to talk to these guys, I ask them questions and I try to steer the conversation to fun things but eventually we both give up and stop talking to each other. Meeting guys tends to go nowhere. I went on a date and he said he was really attracted to me and was happy that I seemed so smart. We talked for hours and had some really interesting conversation. Then he messaged me for an additional 2 hours after the date. Then...nothing. A guy before that met me, said he was really interested in me, asked me out again and again said he was interested, asked me out again...and then stopped talking to me. No idea why - I asked if we were still going to go out and there was never a response. The guy before that - we chatted on the phone, he said he really wanted to meet me, when I tried to set something up there was silence.

 

I know I'm not the most insanely beautiful and interesting person ever, but I have had a lot of men tell me that I'm attractive and that they can't understand why I am still single. Those men are always attached though - friends, and exes. So, there has to be someone out there for me? I'm not a headcase - in fact I've had more than a few guys tell me I was great to be in a relationship with, or that I was laid back and fun...my last boyfriend told me I was the best girl he had ever been in a relationship with.

 

What are other girls doing? What are guys doing? Can any men on here explain why all this ghosting is happening?

Obviously there is something about you that you are avoiding or denying. You need to be honest with yourself first. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You might ask someone who can be totally truthful with you what they think of you, how they perceive you.

[SilverLining]

IfOnlyIKnew, I'm willing to try about anything at this point!

[Shining One]

My point is, these guys are ghosting before we even get to any type of connection.

It's quite possible they are getting a connection with other women much sooner than you, hence why they're moving on so quickly. My current girlfriend and I connected very quickly and I stopped seeing a couple other women I had been on more dates with.

I just asked my roommate (male). He says he thinks what's going on is that these guys realize I'm not a quick lay and they end up ignoring me for whoever is going to have sex with them.

If you don't mind sharing, how long do you typically wait on sex with someone you're dating? This can be a deal-breaker for relationship-oriented men too, not just those looking for a hookup. I used to be very patient when it came to sex in my younger days, but I learned those women were just leading me on. My dating experience has been mostly either early sex (within the first month) or no sex.