How can I stop beating myself up over ruining my chances?

[JelatineDessert]

You guys may have read in my other post, I dated a guy on Tinder, we hooked up on the 3rd date, (yes, too soon, but it happened.) I think he assumed I just wanted to hook up since I was on Tinder, and he may have also thought I wanted to only hookup since I never complained about the fact that he stopped taking me out on dates after we had sex. Yes, my fault.

 

Anyways, the last time we saw each other was 3 weeks ago and after the last time I saw him I thought to myself "Hey, maybe I should make it clear to him that I'm not interested in a booty-call and that I want us to get to know each other..." I told myself I'm gonna tell him this the next time I see him.

 

Unfortunately for me, I was too late. Shortly after, I saw that he posted a Halloween picture with a girl on IG. The girl commented back saying "Next year we can be blahblahblah!" with a kissy face.

I went to her page and saw they have a few pictures together, that they have been on legitimate dates at restaurants, in some of the pictures, I can tell that they're met some of each other's friends and family, he's bought her a bouqet of flowers and that they've been to music festivals and concerts together. Some of her pictures even were from two months ago, so it looks like they had been getting to know each other.

 

Once he posted the picture with her, he stopped talking to me for like 2 weeks and I thought "Okay, they're probably official, he wants to be loyal to her probably"

 

But this is the weird part: He texted me a couple days ago just to have conversation. So now, I don't know if they're official. I have not yet asked him if that is his girlfriend, but if he says no, is it too late to ask him if he'd like to get to know each other? Is it hopeless to want something to come out of it if he's already invested more time and energy into her? Do I have hope?

 

Would it be wiser to suggest getting to know each other after this girl is not in the picture and in his head anymore?

 

My fear is that if I suggest it now, he may shoot me down since he's already emotionally invested in her, but I fear that if I don't suggest getting to know each other, I may miss out on the chance of having him.

Should I just wait it out, see where their relationship goes and then if they break up, I suggest getting to know each other? (Cause then maybe at least, his mind will have a better chance at developing feelings for me?)

[ElizabethIII]

Why would you wait it out?

 

Wait for someone who stopped taking you out and had sex with you while he looked for a real girlfriend? He didnt make you his gf then or take pics of you and share them publicly. He just used you until he found someone else.

 

He didnt wait for you or.put his life on hold.

 

Just block him. Maybe he talks to you to keep you on the back burner.

[JelatineDessert]

Why would you wait it out?

 

Wait for someone who stopped taking you out and had sex with you while he looked for a real girlfriend? He didnt make you his gf then or take pics of you and share them publicly. He just used you until he found someone else.

 

He didnt wait for you or.put his life on hold.

 

Just block him. Maybe he talks to you to keep you on the back burner.

Yeah, but I think he did that to me because he was under the assumption that because I was on Tinder, I just wanted to hookup. He might have thought that I was looking for a ****-buddy because I didnt complain about him not taking me out, and maybe because I had sex with him so soon.

Maybe If I had put my foot down and said "Hey this is not what I want" earlier, he would have given me a real chance?

[ElizabethIII]

Or he just wouldn't have seen you again had you made demands.

 

If he wanted to take you on real dates he would have asked you.

[JelatineDessert]

If he wanted to take you on real dates he would have asked you.

 

What do you mean? (Sorry, I'm a little confused, so I just need clarification on your thought, thank you!).

 

Isn't it my fault how he chose to treat me? I didn't make it clear to him that my intentions were to find a boyfriend, but my actions probably gave him the impression I wanted to just hookup, so as a man, he probably felt no need to take me out cause in his head he was probably thinking "Well, she just wants to hookup, I just wanna hook up, so we're good! No need to go on dates!"

[VeveCakes]

No... if he wanted to date you he would have asked you out. You didn't sleep together until the 3rd hangout so I doubt he thinks you just wanted to hook up. Most people don't think that about Tinder anymore anyways.

 

It sounds like they are together and he is keeping his options open. Not an ideal mate anyways.

[JelatineDessert]

No... if he wanted to date you he would have asked you out. You didn't sleep together until the 3rd hangout so I doubt he thinks you just wanted to hook up. Most people don't think that about Tinder anymore anyways.

 

It sounds like they are together and he is keeping his options open. Not an ideal mate anyways.

 

Cause I thought to myself, "Damn, I didn't even complain about how he doesnt take me out on dates, I'm so stupid for allowing this to even happen!"

 

When you say he is keeping his options open, do you mean that he is trying to keep me on the back burner for if they were to ever break up?

[SwordofFlame]

Yeah, but I think he did that to me because he was under the assumption that because I was on Tinder, I just wanted to hookup. He might have thought that I was looking for a ****-buddy because I didnt complain about him not taking me out, and maybe because I had sex with him so soon.

Maybe If I had put my foot down and said "Hey this is not what I want" earlier, he would have given me a real chance?

 

Not all men think like that. If I see girlfriend potential in a woman, I will treat her as such.

[JelatineDessert]

Not all men think like that. If I see girlfriend potential in a woman, I will treat her as such.

 

So what should I do? Did i ruin all chances of this guy ever being open to getting to know me?

[VeveCakes]

Ask him if he has a gf. If he says yes then walk away. If he says no, ask him who that girl is and then go from there.

 

Honesty always gets you the answers you need to know the quickest.

[JelatineDessert]

Ask him if he has a gf. If he says yes then walk away. If he says no, ask him who that girl is and then go from there.

 

Honesty always gets you the answers you need to know the quickest.

 

Okay If he says they're not together, do you think that if i were to suggest having us get to know each other that it would be pointless to my goal? Meaning, would he not give it a chance? (Since he's already so interested in her)

[VeveCakes]

I would wait and see what his status is. If he says he is single, I would definitely ask if he is dating others casually and then you can decide how you feel about that. Then maybe ask him to hang out again.

[SwordofFlame]

So what should I do? Did i ruin all chances of this guy ever being open to getting to know me?

 

Well seeing as how you've already had sex with him, you can have a conversation about exactly what it is you're looking for out of him. If it scares him away, it scares him away. Otherwise, you run the risk of just being a FWB, FB or nothing.

[inmyownworld]

Not all men think like that. If I see girlfriend potential in a woman, I will treat her as such.

 

This. I think is a guy thinks you are girlfriend potential, you don't have to tell him to take you on dates. He will make the effort on his own.

[basil67]

Cause I thought to myself, "Damn, I didn't even complain about how he doesnt take me out on dates, I'm so stupid for allowing this to even happen!"

 

When you say he is keeping his options open, do you mean that he is trying to keep me on the back burner for if they were to ever break up?

 

It would have been wrong for you to complain about him not taking you on dates anyway. If you want something, you make it known in a positive manner. "Hey, we haven't been on a date for a while - I'd love to go out with you again". But complaining is negative and just makes you sound like a nag.

[basil67]

So what should I do? Did i ruin all chances of this guy ever being open to getting to know me?

 

If he wanted to get to know you, he would have. It was more likely a simple lack of personality match which stopped him from dating you.

 

Prior to the two of you having sex, did it feel like a terrific bond was starting to build?

[JelatineDessert]

It would have been wrong for you to complain about him not taking you on dates anyway. If you want something, you make it known in a positive manner. "Hey, we haven't been on a date for a while - I'd love to go out with you again". But complaining is negative and just makes you sound like a nag.

 

When i say complain, I didn't actually mean complain, I guess I used the wrong wording. But what I meant was, I allowed him to be comfortable with not taking me out anymore.

 

I remember once, we were talking about a comedy show, and I said "I actually have tickets to that comedy club! Let's go!" He ended up ignoring my comment and I just let him continue in his ways.

[JelatineDessert]

If he wanted to get to know you, he would have. It was more likely a simple lack of personality match which stopped him from dating you.

 

Prior to the two of you having sex, did it feel like a terrific bond was starting to build?

 

Well, prior to sex, we had only gone on two dates with him texting me a lot between dates. The first and second date were one month apart. He just didn't really make a strong effort to make it happen sooner. However, I think we had a great time during both dates and that we vibed pretty well with each other and both times he said that he had a fun with me. We talked, laughed, shared stories, we went mini golfing and played arcade games the second date and flirted tons.The 3rd date was casual, we had food together at his place and then had sex.

As so say a terrific bond was starting, I think the fact that the 1st and 2nd date were a month apart, it kind of slowed down the momentum of bonding developing and diffused the feelings from getting more intense.

Edited November 17, 2016 by JelatineDessert

[ElizabethIII]

What do you mean? (Sorry, I'm a little confused, so I just need clarification on your thought, thank you!).

 

Isn't it my fault how he chose to treat me? I didn't make it clear to him that my intentions were to find a boyfriend, but my actions probably gave him the impression I wanted to just hookup, so as a man, he probably felt no need to take me out cause in his head he was probably thinking "Well, she just wants to hookup, I just wanna hook up, so we're good! No need to go on dates!"

 

What I meant is, he stopped taking you on real dates. He just asked you over to sleep together.

 

Even if he thought you just want to hook up, if he had really like you, he wouldnt have stopped asking you on real dates in the first place.

 

You can always ask him. If he continues to contact him, ask him what his intentions are. Literally ask what he wants from you. Dont wait. It is such a waste of time.

[ElizabethIII]

Cause I thought to myself, "Damn, I didn't even complain about how he doesnt take me out on dates, I'm so stupid for allowing this to even happen!"

 

When you say he is keeping his options open, do you mean that he is trying to keep me on the back burner for if they were to ever break up?

 

You know I had a similar experience with a guy in the summer and he stopped asking me on real dates and just started asking me over after work at thr last minute for a *drink* and I ended up sleeping with him and I was not happy and wanted to have a real date arranged even if it was just a casual thing.

 

I started a thread here a couple of days ago you can probably find it.

 

I got my arse handed to me on a plate and told to accept it or leave it but I had not right pushing for a real date even when he didnt want that.

 

Right, that was me told!

 

I'd just ask him what he wants and does he have a gf.

[basil67]

Well, prior to sex, we had only gone on two dates with him texting me a lot between dates. The first and second date were one month apart. He just didn't really make a strong effort to make it happen sooner. However, I think we had a great time during both dates and that we vibed pretty well with each other and both times he said that he had a fun with me. We talked, laughed, shared stories, we went mini golfing and played arcade games the second date and flirted tons.The 3rd date was casual, we had food together at his place and then had sex.

As so say a terrific bond was starting, I think the fact that the 1st and 2nd date were a month apart, it kind of slowed down the momentum of bonding developing and diffused the feelings from getting more intense.

 

Two dates, one month apart? Oh, I remember those old threads about him now. Such a long gap clearly shows that he didn't want you as a girlfriend.

 

Why are you still focusing on this? Did the conversations on previous threads not give you clarity? Serious question.

 

Edited to add: Two dates with a month between is not a terrific bond. A terrific bond is where both of you are doing everything you can to enjoy each other's company in person. Messaging does not count.

Edited November 17, 2016 by basil67

[JelatineDessert]

Two dates, one month apart? Oh, I remember those old threads about him now. Such a long gap clearly shows that he didn't want you as a girlfriend.

 

Why are you still focusing on this? Did the conversations on previous threads not give you clarity? Serious question.

 

Well, the reason why I'm focusing on it is because I'm confused about if I went wrong somewhere. Why I say this is because: I was looking at some dating coaches video and he said that often, a guy will put a girl into a hook-up category for two reasons: 1) if he's not feeling her that much OR 2) he met her on Tinder/at a bar and he's assuming that she probably just wants to hook up. Basically, he's not in a mind-set of having a relationship with her because of how they met.

 

Also, I keep blaming myself for not putting my foot down and saying "Hey i dont want a casual thing. I'm going to move on if you don't want anything more." I could have done that and maybe it would have changed the way he treated me and changed the whole dynamic. But instead, I kinda let him get comfortable and do whatever he wanted. So, that is why i keep asking about this.

[spiderowl]

If he was the right guy for you, he would be with you now. It's as simple as that. The right guy would not leave you feeling you had messed up because he would love and respect you as you are. Whatever you did, you can learn from this and go on to greater things. It's all a learning experience. In a way you are thinking you had more control over this guy than you did. None of us have control over others and realising that means there is no point stressing out over whether we are doing the right things or not. It is a kind of freedom to just be yourself.

 

Regret is totally pointless because you cannot change the past. You can happily leave that burden behind, knowing you do not have to take it with you.

[JelatineDessert]

If he was the right guy for you, he would be with you now. It's as simple as that. The right guy would not leave you feeling you had messed up because he would love and respect you as you are. Whatever you did, you can learn from this and go on to greater things. It's all a learning experience. In a way you are thinking you had more control over this guy than you did. None of us have control over others and realising that means there is no point stressing out over whether we are doing the right things or not. It is a kind of freedom to just be yourself.

 

Regret is totally pointless because you cannot change the past. You can happily leave that burden behind, knowing you do not have to take it with you.

I guess I can feel a little bit better knowing that I might have dodged a bullet since he's a cheater? Do you think he is with this girl? If so, I would feel a lot better about losing out on this guy

[basil67]

Well, the reason why I'm focusing on it is because I'm confused about if I went wrong somewhere. Why I say this is because: I was looking at some dating coaches video and he said that often, a guy will put a girl into a hook-up category for two reasons: 1) if he's not feeling her that much OR 2) he met her on Tinder/at a bar and he's assuming that she probably just wants to hook up. Basically, he's not in a mind-set of having a relationship with her because of how they met.

 

Also, I keep blaming myself for not putting my foot down and saying "Hey i dont want a casual thing. I'm going to move on if you don't want anything more." I could have done that and maybe it would have changed the way he treated me and changed the whole dynamic. But instead, I kinda let him get comfortable and do whatever he wanted. So, that is why i keep asking about this.

 

We went through this at length with you on your previous thread. Did any of our words make sense? I'm wondering what we could say this time around which may make you let it go. Are you this harsh on yourself in other facets of your life?

 

Dating is hit and miss. It's just the way it is. Forget the rule books and instructions! They are not worth the paper they are written on.

 

How about turning the tables on this: Have you ever had a guy that's interested in you but you didn't feel the same way in return? I bet that there's nothing he could have done differently to make you change your feelings about him. You just weren't feeling it. And that's that.

 

In answer to your comment about what if you'd been clear about wanting a relationship: two possible outcomes a) he'd not bother with you again or b) it would have gone down the same way. But saying that you're a relationship kind of girl WOULD NOT make him suddenly see you as the girl of his future.

 

Lastly, Spiderowl is 100% correct that you're overestimating what you can do to influence the decisions of others. If you think you're to blame for someone else's actions, you will be permanently angry with yourself.

Edited November 18, 2016 by basil67