Tempted

[Mr. Lucky]

Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then.

 

Guys willing to smoothly chat you up in the interest of sex are a little like buses.

 

If you miss this one, another will be along in 15-20 minutes ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

If I posted here as a stay at home Mum I would have a lot of understanding here. Most parents understand the pressures & stresses of doing that job.

 

Members would advise my working partner to 'make more time for me', 'to help with chores & the kids', 'think of romantic gestures' because they know it's often a thankless job that exhausts.

 

However, it's a stay at home DAD!! He's not getting the usual support, quite the opposite! He's doing ALL the things that a SAHM does BUT he's also living with self-esteem annihilation as an unemployed bum!!!! And you're surprised that he's depressed!

 

It's often written here, "The grass is greenest where you water it!". You are completely neglecting & abusing your lawn, no water, no fertilizer....of course it looks greener else where!!

 

This completely has NOTHING to do with SAHM or dads! This is about spouses agreeing on a very important family decision. If a couple decides & agrees one of them is going to stay home, that's fine. This couple did not agree on that & a spouse isn't wrong bc they are upset about it.

 

I've read plenty of husband complain about their "lazy" wives don't go to work & they never agreed on it. One doesn't get major props for just being a stay at home parent, if that isn't what was spoke about & agreed upon by both spouses. I stay home bc both my H & I agreed, if I needed to kick in financially I would & I would expect my marriage to break down if I ignored a conversation my H had been trying to have with me for two years.

 

This is about their communication being off...not about parenting. Big difference...does that ok an affair no but if a spouse ignores such a important discussion for 4 years, than it shouldn't be shocking when the marriage starts to break down

[S2B]

Cheating doesn't fix any problems within a marriage!

 

You're tired of waiting for husband to change? Then divorce him!

 

After its final you can do as you please.

[BluesPower]

Everyone is telling you the truth and the facts. Look, I have been on both sides of this issue.

 

You have just no idea what you are doing. I would think at 40 that you might have a little more understanding of life.

 

I know everyone is being hard on you, I get that. You feel like everyone is just being mean to you. But what they are actually doing is trying to save you from yourself. Believe me, I understand how you feel.

 

Let me see if some of this is where your head is at? Your husband is acting like a bum. He is depressed and will not get help. If he got a job, you could both feel better and have more money in general.

 

You have been carrying the load for 4 years. He just does not get it. You should be able to get laid by this great looking guy that is so into you. He makes you feel pretty, pays attention to you, gets your juices flowing, he is the greatest.

 

Now as a former cheating piece of crap married man, let me tell you what is really going on with your new guy. Because you are so unhappy, it shows outwardly. He threw you a compliment and you lit up like a Christmas tree. From that moment on all he has to do is poor on the charm and he gets laid.

 

Things in the bed room have been pretty bad with your hubby lately so the sex that you have will rock your world most probably. Then he will have an available side piece at his disposal, because once you start, it will be almost impossible to stop.

 

You say, "How do you know that, all you LS people think you know everything".

 

Well sweetheart, let me tell you how I know, I have done it so many times that I have lost count.

 

Men like him, (i.e. ME), can pick a woman like you out from a crowd at a 100 feet away. You think you may have found a new love, what you found is a player that wants in your pants.

 

Now, you need to put your big girl panties on and tell your husband to have a job in one month, or you file for divorce. That is what you need to do to help him. And if he fails, then he is gone, and you can sleep with whoever you want to.

 

Does any of this ring true for you?

[summerdowling87]

So what are you going to tell the kids when they ask why are you and dad are getting a D?

 

Does this guy know that you are married with two kids? Is he willing to play step-daddy and money man?

 

Do you think you H is going to let another man take care of his children? Especially if it's the man you cheat with?

[twosadthings]

How does a "great guy" ask a married woman out for dinner?

 

 

Just sayin',

 

 

Twosadthings

[drifter777]

How does a "great guy" ask a married woman out for dinner?

 

 

Just sayin',

 

 

Twosadthings

 

Even great guys have a hard time turning down easy, no-strings sex if it's only going to cost them a dinner or two. He knows he has a chance here - he can smell it on her.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I am fundamentally confused about why this "new man" has asked you out to dinner.

 

That suggests either a) you've hidden the fact that you're married from him, or b) he knows you're married and he doesn't care. Either one of those is a huge problem. And even if you ignore every other factor here (i.e. the morality of having an affair), this would be a very shaky foundation to start with with the new man.

[S2B]

Even great guys have a hard time turning down easy, no-strings sex if it's only going to cost them a dinner or two. He knows he has a chance here - he can smell it on her.

 

They can always smell vulnerability.

 

The problem is - even if she gets divorced she will needs to address what's making her so vulnerable for this type of scenario.

 

Cheating can't fix your marital problems. If your H doesn't plan to work then divorce him. It's obvious you don't honor or respect him - so there really is no marriage the way it stands.

 

Change is up to you! What do YOU plan to change about yourself and your situation? Make it BETTER - not worse!

[wmacbride]

This completely has NOTHING to do with SAHM or dads! This is about spouses agreeing on a very important family decision. If a couple decides & agrees one of them is going to stay home, that's fine. This couple did not agree on that & a spouse isn't wrong bc they are upset about it.

 

I've read plenty of husband complain about their "lazy" wives don't go to work & they never agreed on it. One doesn't get major props for just being a stay at home parent, if that isn't what was spoke about & agreed upon by both spouses. I stay home bc both my H & I agreed, if I needed to kick in financially I would & I would expect my marriage to break down if I ignored a conversation my H had been trying to have with me for two years.

 

This is about their communication being off...not about parenting. Big difference...does that ok an affair no but if a spouse ignores such a important discussion for 4 years, than it shouldn't be shocking when the marriage starts to break down

 

The op has a choice to make, and there will be lots of fallout from it.

 

If she cheats, then all the crap reason in the world won;t make it okay, so really, all of these rationalizations are meaningless. She's not coming on here saying she's unhappy in her marriage and is trying to decide whether or not to ask for a divorce, she's trying to decide whether or not its okay to take her EA to the next level ( physical). Pointing out all her husband's failings is simply trying to sneak in the back door what can;t be forced in through the front.

 

If having an A is wrong, then all of the " cheating is wrong, but...." is pointless.

 

Also, due to the nature of the internet, we are not able to hear his side of it. I expect there is a very different picture than what the op is showing. I'm not saying she's lying, but she's giving her version of the truth that best supports her activities.

[anika99]

This completely has NOTHING to do with SAHM or dads! This is about spouses agreeing on a very important family decision. If a couple decides & agrees one of them is going to stay home, that's fine. This couple did not agree on that & a spouse isn't wrong bc they are upset about it.

 

I've read plenty of husband complain about their "lazy" wives don't go to work & they never agreed on it. One doesn't get major props for just being a stay at home parent, if that isn't what was spoke about & agreed upon by both spouses. I stay home bc both my H & I agreed, if I needed to kick in financially I would & I would expect my marriage to break down if I ignored a conversation my H had been trying to have with me for two years.

 

This is about their communication being off...not about parenting. Big difference...does that ok an affair no but if a spouse ignores such a important discussion for 4 years, than it shouldn't be shocking when the marriage starts to break down

 

But the OP played a part in creating this situation too. Why did she have another baby when she wanted her husband to go to work? "Oh you're finding it hard to get a job? Well here's another baby for you to take care of while you try to figure out your problem"

 

Also I think the working spouse doesn't usually fully appreciate the luxury having a fulltime sahm parent affords them. If the OP's husband did get a fulltime job then she would suddenly find herself saddled with much more responsibility concerning the kids and the household. She would have to help with dealing with getting kids to childcare, appointments, cooking, baths, and about a million other things. Also until the kids are both in school the cost of childcare would be enormous. OP wouldn't see much financial gain in having her husband work for awhile.

 

Finally the OP did say her husband has depression which is not something couples plan for or agree to. One doesn't walk up to their spouse and say oh I've been thinking about becoming depressed, do you agree that I should? I think the OP was mostly ok with the current arrangement until she started lusting after this other guy. Now it's her justification for lying and cheating.

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I agree with Anika about the OP having added to the problems facing the family. If her husband was out of a job the last thing they should have wanted was to add to them by bringing in another child into the mix. It also seems very likely that the OP is very comfortable with this arrangement because it gives her the freedom to go bang other men without blinking her eyes since the poor husband is at home doing duty as a caret for their kids while she is getting her rocks off. She does'nt have to worry about child care or any other household duties because hubby is there to take care of it. The current situation on the domestic front dovetails beautifully with her plans.

 

In any case I think the OP has already made tracks as she has not heard what she wanted to hear. That would have been that she was fully justified to go out and seek fun for herself because she was bringing home the bacon and her husband was a depressed good for nothing. I don't think she is going to be coming back here. However, for her husband's sake I do wish that he miraculously recovers his mojo, gets a well paying job, dumps his cheating wife and moves on to better things in life. Just my own way of thinking.

[Noirek]

Even though OP has left the building, she also didn't say her husband was at home doing nothing so I think calling him a lazy bum is uncalled for. If she was working supporting the family and caring for the kids and all household chores then I could definitely see a huge disfunction (still, persuing an affair is not the logical solution to her pretend concern at the start which was giving the children a better lifestyle).

 

I agree with anika on this one.

[Whoknew30]

But the OP played a part in creating this situation too. Why did she have another baby when she wanted her husband to go to work? "Oh you're finding it hard to get a job? Well here's another baby for you to take care of while you try to figure out your problem"

 

Also I think the working spouse doesn't usually fully appreciate the luxury having a fulltime sahm parent affords them. If the OP's husband did get a fulltime job then she would suddenly find herself saddled with much more responsibility concerning the kids and the household. She would have to help with dealing with getting kids to childcare, appointments, cooking, baths, and about a million other things. Also until the kids are both in school the cost of childcare would be enormous. OP wouldn't see much financial gain in having her husband work for awhile.

 

Finally the OP did say her husband has depression which is not something couples plan for or agree to. One doesn't walk up to their spouse and say oh I've been thinking about becoming depressed, do you agree that I should? I think the OP was mostly ok with the current arrangement until she started lusting after this other guy. Now it's her justification for lying and cheating.

 

I would assume she didn't think it'd take him 4 years to get back on track.

 

Nothing is a luxury in a marriage if not agreed on by both spouses. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks is better, if both spouses don't agree it's not ok to just make decisions for yourself & ignore your spouse's wishes.

 

So by your logic when we hear a WS say they had an A bc of depression, than that's ok too? Right? See how that sounds? Depression sucks but it's no excuse to not take into account your spouses wishes. I know plenty of people & worked with plenty of people that are fighting depression & get up & go to work. Also if depression was such an issue for him, he wouldn't be such a great SAHD...if he's showing he can get everything going at home...he can do that at a job.

[Noirek]

I would assume she didn't think it'd take him 4 years to get back on track.

 

Nothing is a luxury in a marriage if not agreed on by both spouses. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks is better, if both spouses don't agree it's not ok to just make decisions for yourself & ignore your spouse's wishes.

 

So by your logic when we hear a WS say they had an A bc of depression, than that's ok too? Right? See how that sounds? Depression sucks but it's no excuse to not take into account your spouses wishes. I know plenty of people & worked with plenty of people that are fighting depression & get up & go to work. Also if depression was such an issue for him, he wouldn't be such a great SAHD...if he's showing he can get everything going at home...he can do that at a job.

 

shouldn't the OP also take into the account her H's wishes? Perhaps he didn't know the joy it is to get to actually spend more than passing moments with your children? Maybe he realized money isn't the be all end all with children? She assumed because when they were married he had a job that he would continue to do so but I doubt that was actually discussed. Not a lot of people discuss the man not working, specially when the man lost his business. But They did decide for a time. Now apparently he should abandon want he wants for what she wants.

 

He is still not a lazy bum and his actions aren't even close to justifying knowingly persuing this affair she is having. She started an EA (slippery slope) and now wants to justify. Very common to blow one's spouse's actions out of proportion and focus on the negative. Even still she only said he seemed depressed and wasn't looking for another job hard enough for her. She didn't say the house was a mess, the kids unhappy and dirty and supper never ready. And him sitting doing nothing 24/7.

[Whoknew30]

Hi folks, I agree with Anika about the OP having added to the problems facing the family. If her husband was out of a job the last thing they should have wanted was to add to them by bringing in another child into the mix. It also seems very likely that the OP is very comfortable with this arrangement because it gives her the freedom to go bang other men without blinking her eyes since the poor husband is at home doing duty as a caret for their kids while she is getting her rocks off. She does'nt have to worry about child care or any other household duties because hubby is there to take care of it. The current situation on the domestic front dovetails beautifully with her plans.

 

In any case I think the OP has already made tracks as she has not heard what she wanted to hear. That would have been that she was fully justified to go out and seek fun for herself because she was bringing home the bacon and her husband was a depressed good for nothing. I don't think she is going to be coming back here. However, for her husband's sake I do wish that he miraculously recovers his mojo, gets a well paying job, dumps his cheating wife and moves on to better things in life. Just my own way of thinking.

 

She hasnt banged anyone! I get this is a BS forum BUT IMO this is a case where a lot of people are acting as a spouse ignoring their spouses wishes is ok & that isn't a valid reason for a breakdown of a marriage.

 

This is a perfect example of a post to where BS are ok saying it's ok for your H to not take into account anything you've been saying for 4 years...blow more money (which is their kids future) on a failed business & she should come home & be so thrilled bc he cooked the kids dinner. Well one more failed business & there could be no money for food to cook the dinner.

 

An affair isn't going to help her...though a marriage broken down opens it up to affair. It boggles my mind that anything a spouse does is "ok" as long as it's not sleeping with someone else...complete bollocks. A lot of things can open a marriage up to an exit A....& then neither of the spouses are in the right!

[Noirek]

She hasnt banged anyone! I get this is a BS forum BUT IMO this is a case where a lot of people are acting as a spouse ignoring their spouses wishes is ok & that isn't a valid reason for a breakdown of a marriage.

 

This is a perfect example of a post to where BS are ok saying it's ok for your H to not take into account anything you've been saying for 4 years...blow more money (which is their kids future) on a failed business & she should come home & be so thrilled bc he cooked the kids dinner. Well one more failed business & there could be no money for food to cook the dinner.

 

An affair isn't going to help her...though a marriage broken down opens it up to affair. It boggles my mind that anything a spouse does is "ok" as long as it's not sleeping with someone else...complete bollocks. A lot of things can open a marriage up to an exit A....& then neither of the spouses are in the right!

 

She has pretty much said she wanted to go ahead with this affair. And is using a really lame excuse to do so. If shehad posted in another section about her difficulty with his unemployment she would be getting a lot of different feedback. She is already having an emotional affair. She is just needing to justify her actions.

 

 

And you are also comparing him being a stayat home dad which is a f time job to a ws lying, sneaking around and betraying their spouse? Depression is a disease and needs to be treated. OP banging someone else won't help him if he is depressed and that won't help her kids. But choosing to care for your kids instead of working out of the home is not comparable to cheating. At least to most people

[Whoknew30]

shouldn't the OP also take into the account her H's wishes? Perhaps he didn't know the joy it is to get to actually spend more than passing moments with your children? Maybe he realized money isn't the be all end all with children? She assumed because when they were married he had a job that he would continue to do so but I doubt that was actually discussed. Not a lot of people discuss the man not working, specially when the man lost his business. But They did decide for a time. Now apparently he should abandon want he wants for what she wants.

 

He is still not a lazy bum and his actions aren't even close to justifying knowingly persuing this affair she is having. She started an EA (slippery slope) and now wants to justify. Very common to blow one's spouse's actions out of proportion and focus on the negative. Even still she only said he seemed depressed and wasn't looking for another job hard enough for her. She didn't say the house was a mess, the kids unhappy and dirty and supper never ready. And him sitting doing nothing 24/7.[/quote

 

Unless you're paying a couples bills...then how do you know what's best for their kids? So 10 years later their kids want to go to college. Well they can't bc dad couldn't work bc he was depressed...if she's upset with the finances & she's paying the bills, she gets to say it's not ok. If my H came home today & said I really need help financially, I'd find a job bc we need the finances for our kids. That's thier security. If she's worried about that, there is a reason & it's not responsible to not be worried about your kids financial security.

[Noirek]

shouldn't the OP also take into the account her H's wishes? Perhaps he didn't know the joy it is to get to actually spend more than passing moments with your children? Maybe he realized money isn't the be all end all with children? She assumed because when they were married he had a job that he would continue to do so but I doubt that was actually discussed. Not a lot of people discuss the man not working, specially when the man lost his business. But They did decide for a time. Now apparently he should abandon want he wants for what she wants.

 

He is still not a lazy bum and his actions aren't even close to justifying knowingly persuing this affair she is having. She started an EA (slippery slope) and now wants to justify. Very common to blow one's spouse's actions out of proportion and focus on the negative. Even still she only said he seemed depressed and wasn't looking for another job hard enough for her. She didn't say the house was a mess, the kids unhappy and dirty and supper never ready. And him sitting doing nothing 24/7.[/quote

 

Unless you're paying a couples bills...then how do you know what's best for their kids? So 10 years later their kids want to go to college. Well they can't bc dad couldn't work bc he was depressed...if she's upset with the finances & she's paying the bills, she gets to say it's not ok. If my H came home today & said I really need help financially, I'd find a job bc we need the finances for our kids. That's thier security. If she's worried about that, there is a reason & it's not responsible to not be worried about your kids financial security.

 

She never mentioned college. And kids can put themselcws through college. But still, how is having an affair going to help her kids fo to college? Once again, if her kids were truly a concern, this wouldn't be where she posted.

[Whoknew30]

She has pretty much said she wanted to go ahead with this affair. And is using a really lame excuse to do so. If shehad posted in another section about her difficulty with his unemployment she would be getting a lot of different feedback. She is already having an emotional affair. She is just needing to justify her actions.

 

 

And you are also comparing him being a stayat home dad which is a f time job to a ws lying, sneaking around and betraying their spouse? Depression is a disease and needs to be treated. OP banging someone else won't help him if he is depressed and that won't help her kids. But choosing to care for your kids instead of working out of the home is not comparable to cheating. At least to most people

 

 

No, i don't see it like that.

 

I see, speaking to a spouse for 4 years that's not listening to their wife for 4 years...while the financial pressure is building & then blowing more money on a failed business & hiding behind "well i care of the kids" & im depressed. I've seen it go the other way also. I see a breakdown in their marriage that has left it wide open for an A. Wether any BS agrees with this or not...a break down in a marriage for years makes a spouse start to not really care bc what's the point when your words & feelings aren't respected. This is why most MC ask the BS "what was their part in the A"...its never a BS "fault" that their WS had an A but they sure sometimes have a part in the breakdown of the marriage that helped open up their relationship to an A & this seems to be one of those circumstances

[Noirek]

No, i don't see it like that.

 

I see, speaking to a spouse for 4 years that's not listening to their wife for 4 years...while the financial pressure is building & then blowing more money on a failed business & hiding behind "well i care of the kids" & im depressed. I've seen it go the other way also. I see a breakdown in their marriage that has left it wide open for an A. Wether any BS agrees with this or not...a break down in a marriage for years makes a spouse start to not really care bc what's the point when your words & feelings aren't respected. This is why most MC ask the BS "what was their part in the A"...its never a BS "fault" that their WS had an A but they sure sometimes have a part in the breakdown of the marriage that helped open up their relationship to an A & this seems to be one of those circumstances

 

I'm a WS

 

Anyways, do you think she has been listening to him? You have added a lot to her story. She isn't a victim. But i guess she has one person on here who thinks so. she said he sought employment in the beginning. And then they had another child. And then he tried to start another business. This wasn't 4 years of him not working and not looking. Plus he works in the evenings sometimes. She didn't give us timeline but marriage is for better or for worse. the wife choosing to have an affair is all on her. They each share their own blame for marital problems but her cheating is not the logical answer to giving her kids the lifestyle she wants to.

[DKT3]

No, i don't see it like that.

 

I see, speaking to a spouse for 4 years that's not listening to their wife for 4 years...while the financial pressure is building & then blowing more money on a failed business & hiding behind "well i care of the kids" & im depressed. I've seen it go the other way also. I see a breakdown in their marriage that has left it wide open for an A. Wether any BS agrees with this or not...a break down in a marriage for years makes a spouse start to not really care bc what's the point when your words & feelings aren't respected. This is why most MC ask the BS "what was their part in the A"...its never a BS "fault" that their WS had an A but they sure sometimes have a part in the breakdown of the marriage that helped open up their relationship to an A & this seems to be one of those circumstances

Any therapist that asks a BS what role they played In thier spouses affair should be fired on the spot.

 

Bad marriages don't cause affairs, if they did 100% of marriages would have 100% infidelity, nor would people who describe themselves as happy in the marriage have affairs. But they don't, and they do.

 

Raise my hand sh.tty husband here (first time around) but since I never drove her to OM house or out his P in her V I had nothing to do with her decision to have the affair. Played a huge role in our marriage breaking down, yes. Having influence on how she dealt with it, absolutely not.

 

Own your sh.t, stop looking to others to shoulder the blame for your poor behavior and boundaries. She is involved with this guy because she wants to be, everything else is bs.

[wmacbride]

Even though OP has left the building, she also didn't say her husband was at home doing nothing so I think calling him a lazy bum is uncalled for. If she was working supporting the family and caring for the kids and all household chores then I could definitely see a huge disfunction (still, persuing an affair is not the logical solution to her pretend concern at the start which was giving the children a better lifestyle).

 

I agree with anika on this one.

 

 

If her spouse ha cancer, and was staying hone looking after the kids, how many people would be calling him a lazy bum? How many people would be saying that she didn't agree that he should get cancer and have to stay at home,so he should get up off his rear and go to work.

 

true depression is a disease, just as cancer is. It doesn't just mean you are sad, it's an actual, physical ailment. For some, just getting out of bed in the morning us a herculean act, let alone looking after two small children full time.

 

Base don the op's own words, she has lots of free time every day, as, as she notes herself, she is consonantly talking with and texting the om. I have a feeling her H is doing everything around the house while she take plenty of " me time" for herself.

 

I'm also thinking- and i could be very wrong- that having the children wasn't the bed of roses she thought it would be, and she is not able to put them and their needs ahead of hers. She had her second child knowing full well what the home situation was like. She could have made other choices, but she didn't.

 

Marriage isn't always about who agreed to what, it about being flexible and rolling with the punches as they come. If she's not able to do that, and if she has put int he amount of work into he marriage that she says, then she needs to admit to herself that it is not right for her and walk away.

 

The cheating option is wrong, and all of the "reasons" behind it are irrelevant.

[WomenWubber]

The respect you get is proportional to the money you have and earn/make. This is so sad and true specially for stay at home parents. Such a shame.

 

Honestly I'd love the dad to come on here so we could advice him to get a job before he gets taken to the cleaners. He's the one who truly needs advice ASAP!

[ChickiePops]

No, i don't see it like that.

 

I see, speaking to a spouse for 4 years that's not listening to their wife for 4 years...while the financial pressure is building & then blowing more money on a failed business & hiding behind "well i care of the kids" & im depressed. I've seen it go the other way also. I see a breakdown in their marriage that has left it wide open for an A. Wether any BS agrees with this or not...a break down in a marriage for years makes a spouse start to not really care bc what's the point when your words & feelings aren't respected. This is why most MC ask the BS "what was their part in the A"...its never a BS "fault" that their WS had an A but they sure sometimes have a part in the breakdown of the marriage that helped open up their relationship to an A & this seems to be one of those circumstances

 

The breakdown of a marriage should not open it up to affairs. Two wrongs don't make a right..all an affair does is add to issues that were already there. A good marriage counselor will be smart enough not to ask the BS their role in the affair, but instead will ask their role in the problems in the marriage.

 

Affairs are 100% on the cheating spouse and the 'other'.