Tempted

[Whoknew30]

Quite honestly this sounds like so many cases we see on these boards where one spouse cheats on the other (either emotionally or physically) but attempts to keep the betrayed spouse around as a Plan B option.

 

OP, it sounds like you would like to keep your spouse around in case this other man doesn't work out, which is why you'd rather not tell him what's going on yet. Your husband deserves better, he deserves to know what is going on with you before you drop a bombshell on him like a divorce or an affair. It's always better to tell the truth first, because eventually they find out anyway, and it's much worse.

 

Divorce shouldn't be a bombshell if she's already spoken to him over & over. Her cheating won't make it better but he's being neglectful & she does deserve better than that also. Marriage goes two ways & if it's only going one, than the marriage is doomed to fail & in situations like this, the neglectful is not on the right either. No excuse for A but also no excuse to neglect what your spouse is saying to you for 4 years...she's at least on the fence & confused looking for advice, he's evidently (according to her) just not caring what she's saying & doing what he wants.

[19801980]

I understand a lot of the backlash. Here is what I am worried about from my perspective. If I really push him and give him ultimatums, it will take many months to see any progress, if there is any. I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then. I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

 

Also, for those who think I am looking for this, or any, new person to support me, that is not it at all. I am missing a husband, someone who cares enough to get a job and isn't so unmotivated. The new person isn't even rich, but we text and call constantly and it makes me feel more appreciated and alive than I have felt in many years. I do understand everyone's points. But I'm having a hard time staying here.

[ShatteredLady]

Forgive me if I'm wrong...

 

People rarely FIGHT about this sort of thing for 4 YEARS! I bet there were times, particularly when you planned another baby that you guys thought him being the stay at home parent was a good idea!

 

Be careful about rewriting marital history.

[Friskyone4u]

No one really needs to give you any more advice. It is obvious you are

Going to accept date with this OM and will wind up having sex with him.

 

You will need advice when it blows up in your face. I suggest you see an attorney so you have some idea what you will be dealing with with an

SAHD in a divorce . That might sober you a little

[Davey L]

No one really needs to give you any more advice. It is obvious you are

Going to accept date with this OM and will wind up having sex with him.

 

You will need advice when it blows up in your face. I suggest you see an attorney so you have some idea what you will be dealing with with an

SAHD in a divorce . That might sober you a little

 

Good point. Bear in mind that if he's been a good SAHD while you've been out and screwing around he will likely win custody of the kids and get a fat settlement.

 

Instead I suggest you either (1) accept the situation and be grateful there is a loving parent at home while you pursue your career or (2) do what my wife would do - make him a packed lunch, push him out of the door at 7am tomorrow and tell him not to come back until he's found a job, any job at all will do.

[DKT3]

I understand a lot of the backlash. Here is what I am worried about from my perspective. If I really push him and give him ultimatums, it will take many months to see any progress, if there is any. I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then. I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

 

Also, for those who think I am looking for this, or any, new person to support me, that is not it at all. I am missing a husband, someone who cares enough to get a job and isn't so unmotivated. The new person isn't even rich, but we text and call constantly and it makes me feel more appreciated and alive than I have felt in many years. I do understand everyone's points. But I'm having a hard time staying here.

 

And you don't have to stay, but you also don't get to date while married. Like I said you want both, and its extremely selfish, and will end horribly no Matter the outcome.

[aileD]

, but we text and call constantly and it makes me feel more appreciated and alive than I have felt in many years

 

He's probably got a lot of free time because he's not at home taking care of your children like your husband is.

 

Seriously. We respect your opinion that you're tired of waiting around. No one is saying that thy don't. ( Personally I feeel your husband is sick and you're bailing on him but that's just me and my feelings about depression. ) But honestly if you feel your marriage is over ... then leave.

 

Don't overlap relationships. Youre not thinking it through. You have affair, husband finds out or you tell him. Try to leave. Maybe you think you're going to take the kids with you when you leave???? Probably not-- he gets the kids because he's the primary caretaker and it's in their best interest to keep the routine and with the person they spend the most time with. And it doesn't matter that he doesn't have a job because you'll be paying alimony and child support because he's a stay at home dad.

 

So you leave without your kids. Oh and since you had an affair---your husband is bitter so every other weekend when you get to see your kids and every time you have to deal with him it's a disaster.

 

Your family and his family will look down on you as the one who broke up this family.

 

Is that happiness? You want a chance to be happy? Then don't do it like this. That's not happiness. It will be bringing pure hell.

 

But you are entitled to happiness. Just do it right. Admit your marriage is over and tell your husband before any other party is involved. Other wise no matter the reason the divorce in his eyes will always be due to your affair and not the decline of the marriage.

 

Divorce amicably. Then date. If this guy is great he will be great then. If he's not around then maybe it wasn't meant to be or maybe you'll find someone better.

 

Doing it this way is not the way to happiness, it's the way to hell on earth for you.

[drifter777]

I sympathize with OP because what she is going through seems to be extremely common. After married for a few years and raising kids the romance pretty much disappears. She wants to be desired by a man - it's in her DNA - and she stops having that talk with her husband because he just doesn't get it. So she starts getting the attention she needs from other men and once she crosses the boundary emotionally it is very short jump into the sack. Depending on how deep her need for external validation is, she will start up a sexual relationship with a guy just to keep the adoration & compliments coming.

 

This feeling of loss of romance and that she is no longer desirable seems to be nearly universal after a few years of marriage. Another thing that seems universal in these cases is that she has confronted her husband many times and told him that she needs more romance. The problem here is that women don't realize just how thick most men are. However you are approaching him with your demands that things change and find a way to inject more romance into the marriage he just isn't understanding you. To his way of thinking this is simply a problem of your perception. Of course you understand that there is much less time and energy for romance than when you were dating and before you had kids to take care of and money worries. He figures you are just in a bad mood and just fantasizing about how you wish things could be in a perfect. Like in a fairy tale. You want a white knight to sweep you off your feet and carry you off to a castle of romance somewhere. He has no idea whether the romance you want is even possible for him to provide under all real-life circumstances. He just figures you'll get over this and maybe some sex will help you feel better.

 

He needs a 2x4 to the head. You need to make it clear to him that either things change or you are going to end the marriage. Demand marriage counseling because you BOTH need help in order to get through this problem. Maybe things change and you start getting your needs met by your husband. Or maybe you'll make the decision to divorce because things don't improve enough for you. Either way you have given both of you the chance to rationally face the issues that are driving you to cheat and come to some resolution without you having to perpetrate the worst betrayal possible on your husband.

 

No one on this forum is going to give you "permission" to sleep with this other guy. We all know the pain this is going to cause your husband when he finds out and we could never condone cheating. Your case is no different than hundreds of others we have seen on this forum. The fact that you have come here first tells me that you at least realize the damage that cheating will do to your husband and your marriage. Cheating before giving him the kind of ultimatum that he understands is a very cowardly thing to do. If you think you can cake-eat and cheat while your husband is simply plan B than you are really taking the low road. Have the courage to face this head on and resolve the problem before you slink off to some motel with this guy. You won't be able to rationalize cheating forever.

[Noirek]

Forgive me if I'm wrong...

 

People rarely FIGHT about this sort of thing for 4 YEARS! I bet there were times, particularly when you planned another baby that you guys thought him being the stay at home parent was a good idea!

 

Be careful about rewriting marital history.

 

This, rewritting maritial history sometimes gets misused on this site as "completely making things up" but thats not usually it. It is focusing on things that really happened and blowing them up bigger than life to fit in with our current outlook. Or it can be downplaying things too. Everyone can be guilty of this because human memory is fickle and there are a lot of interesting studies on that. For instance my daughter when asked how her day was yestersay honed in on one negative thing that happened (she is in kindergarten) and told us she had a bad day. The thing was, 99% of her day before and after that event she spent laughing and having fun. But she has been in a negative nellie mode lately and so upon recalling her day the little bad completely wiped out all the good. I am not saying things haven't had their rough patches but 4 years of all bad is hughly unlikely if you had another child. And is your husband truly depressed or have you been demeaning him and putting him down and making him feel less than because he isn't giving you the lifestyle you provide. Often, the fault lies within ourselves.

 

You pretended this was about your children but don't lie to yourself. Children don't thrive off material things. Everyone knows that. They thrive of love and attention and parents who work together. And they most certainly don't thrive off one of their parents beig selfish and persuing another man while still married to the father they adore.

 

But, children and husband aside, cheating destroys the cheater too. It means giving up your morals and integrity for a little bit of fun. So unless you actually lack those it will eventually catch up. The self loathing. Not at first. At first the excitement, the flattery, the feeling of being alive will keep you going. Then you'll feel the niggle of doubt but you seek out success stories of how it can work out. Because you want to be a success story. But the risk you are paying for that is your children's happiness and destroying your husband completely and your very own morality.

 

But you will do what you want. Consequences and all. Just go in eyes wide open and stop blaming anyone else. This is all on you. Your husband doesn't deserve it and neither do your children. This is for you. And it isn't the same as buying that nice new shirt or having a spa day.

 

I wish to God I had never cheated. It was not worth it. No amount of flattery and feeling sexy again is.

 

Please use protection if you do.

 

As and aside. If the genders were reversed in this story would their be any problem in the woman staying at home providing child care?

[40somethingGuy]

I understand a lot of the backlash. Here is what I am worried about from my perspective. If I really push him and give him ultimatums, it will take many months to see any progress, if there is any. I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then. I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

 

Also, for those who think I am looking for this, or any, new person to support me, that is not it at all. I am missing a husband, someone who cares enough to get a job and isn't so unmotivated. The new person isn't even rich, but we text and call constantly and it makes me feel more appreciated and alive than I have felt in many years. I do understand everyone's points. But I'm having a hard time staying here.

Then tell the OM you need to leave your husband. Tell your husband that he wasn't listening to you and now there is another man you are interested in. Just make sure you know what to do if he offs himself as you said he is depressed. Then, you won't have to worry about that guy who gave himself to you.

Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[kgcolonel]

Then tell the OM you need to leave your husband. Tell your husband that he wasn't listening to you and now there is another man you are interested in. Just make sure you know what to do if he offs himself as you said he is depressed. Then, you won't have to worry about that guy who gave himself to you.

 

oh....one more thing...be sure to have this scripted for your kiddos so they'll have the motherly / wifely example of what they should aspire to be when they grow up.....wow, just wow.....you're thinking of yourself, not your kids, and certainly not your husband. Incredible!!!!

Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[drifter777]

I understand a lot of the backlash. Here is what I am worried about from my perspective. If I really push him and give him ultimatums, it will take many months to see any progress, if there is any. I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then. I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

You say:

 

I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now?

 

I say:

 

The problem here is that women don't realize just how thick most men are. However you are approaching him with your demands that things change and find a way to inject more romance into the marriage he just isn't understanding you.

 

I'm sorry, buy your excuse that you need to act now miss this "opportunity" is pathetic. At least be truthful to yourself.

[Mr R]

Did you pay attention to your wedding vows? For richer and poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all other remain true to him/her as long as you both shall live?"

Sounds like you're ready to end your marriage because of hard times. What are you going to do if you end things with your husband and the new guy doesn't turn out the way you want himto be? To me sounds like your husband has become settled in his role as a stay at home dad and you were accepting of that and you didn't change your life style to meet you're financial situation. And money has become a concern and it's his fault( in your eyes).

Sounds like you guys need to seriously talk, consider consulting, and maybe you need individual counseling.

Life is hard, it's not always rainbows and unicorns, you have to fight for what you want. But just my 2 cents worth.

[ChickiePops]

I understand a lot of the backlash. Here is what I am worried about from my perspective. If I really push him and give him ultimatums, it will take many months to see any progress, if there is any. I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then. I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

 

Also, for those who think I am looking for this, or any, new person to support me, that is not it at all. I am missing a husband, someone who cares enough to get a job and isn't so unmotivated. The new person isn't even rich, but we text and call constantly and it makes me feel more appreciated and alive than I have felt in many years. I do understand everyone's points. But I'm having a hard time staying here.

 

If you don't think there will be any change, then why are you bothering to stay with him at all?

 

Also, if the other man is into you, he'll be willing to wait until you sort out your situation at home, as long as you are showing him progress. If you think he's going to disappear overnight if you don't sleep with him then he must not care very much about most of you (besides your vagina).

[sandylee1]

I can't say I'd be impressed with a husband who was unemployed for so long and I can see you've basically lost respect for your husband as a man. Why add another problem to the current situation you have? You're just trying to justify cheating?

 

We can all justify bad behaviour if we want.

 

I'll play your husband and show his justification.

 

"I felt depressed after being out of work for 4 years and I can see my wife doesn't respect me anymore. I felt like a failure not being able to support my family. She [OW] loved me for me. She was nice and she boosted my confidence, she complemented me and she made me feel alive. ... I felt like a teenager with her."

 

You see how easy it is to justfiy sh**ty behaviour?

[DKT3]

I think this is an example of the fundamental breakdown marriage. Infidelity aside for a second. We have a woman complaining about her issues with her husband, yet not recognizing how her reactions to the situation only makes it worse. Husband loses job, already feels bad maybe like he can't provide, in turn wifes hounds him about not pulling his weight then is shocked because he doesn't have any passionate for her nor is he falling over himself to please her.

 

There is no one person more responsible for the dynamic equally guilty....the problem is a lack of empathy. She sees his depression as lazy, but admits he take care of the kids. He isn't accounting for her struggle and stress of feeling like she is doing it alone.

 

Now add in her excitement for another man, a new energy, not from this scoundrel, (no wonder she has relationship trouble she sees this cat as a great guy) but from the effort that she has s putting forth. Effort that she is not making in her marriage.

 

Trainwreck ahead, everyone here knows it accept OP.

Edited October 31, 2016 by DKT3

[anika99]

I understand a lot of the backlash. Here is what I am worried about from my perspective. If I really push him and give him ultimatums, it will take many months to see any progress, if there is any. I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then. I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

I mentioned in my prior post that your children are going to be paying the biggest price for your affair. I assumed that you loved your children and would want to do your best to protect them and look out of their best interests. Guess I was wrong. You care more about satisfying your lust than you care about your children. Hopefully your husband is able to win custody of them when this all blows up.

[Cephalopod]

I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

No....that is not your gut talking. Another part of your anatomy is talking. And it is lying to you.

[ShatteredLady]

Can you afford daycare for your children? Do you have family to take care of them while you both work? Is your husband qualified to get a job that would allow you to be a SAHM? Is that what you want?

 

It's easy for people to say, 'Tell him to take ANY job!'. I bet this was part of your conversation when you decided as a couple to have another child AND for your H to be the SAHP (parent).

 

Realistically, what do you want to happen? (Other than an exciting bit of strange)

[monnieloves]

Hello,

 

I am sorry that you are having this problem. I know how important it is to have some financial balance within the household, especially with children. When I experienced problems within my marriage and thought I could reach outside my marriage to have my needs met, I realized that this was a mistake. I hope this helps. Have you considered counseling or speaking with a trusted friend?

[wmacbride]

I understand a lot of the backlash. Here is what I am worried about from my perspective. If I really push him and give him ultimatums, it will take many months to see any progress, if there is any. I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then. I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

 

Also, for those who think I am looking for this, or any, new person to support me, that is not it at all. I am missing a husband, someone who cares enough to get a job and isn't so unmotivated. The new person isn't even rich, but we text and call constantly and it makes me feel more appreciated and alive than I have felt in many years. I do understand everyone's points. But I'm having a hard time staying here.

 

I would suggest that you take some of the time that you are spending texting and calling this other man and spend it with your children.

 

They are the ones I feel most sorry for.They are at home with dad, and mom is more interested in keeping the ego bites coming from her om.

 

I'd be interested to know what your bs's take is in all of this.

[ShatteredLady]

If I posted here as a stay at home Mum I would have a lot of understanding here. Most parents understand the pressures & stresses of doing that job.

 

Members would advise my working partner to 'make more time for me', 'to help with chores & the kids', 'think of romantic gestures' because they know it's often a thankless job that exhausts.

 

However, it's a stay at home DAD!! He's not getting the usual support, quite the opposite! He's doing ALL the things that a SAHM does BUT he's also living with self-esteem annihilation as an unemployed bum!!!! And you're surprised that he's depressed!

 

It's often written here, "The grass is greenest where you water it!". You are completely neglecting & abusing your lawn, no water, no fertilizer....of course it looks greener else where!!

[JS84]

If I posted here as a stay at home Mum I would have a lot of understanding here. Most parents understand the pressures & stresses of doing that job.

 

Members would advise my working partner to 'make more time for me', 'to help with chores & the kids', 'think of romantic gestures' because they know it's often a thankless job that exhausts.

 

However, it's a stay at home DAD!! He's not getting the usual support, quite the opposite! He's doing ALL the things that a SAHM does BUT he's also living with self-esteem annihilation as an unemployed bum!!!! And you're surprised that he's depressed!

 

It's often written here, "The grass is greenest where you water it!". You are completely neglecting & abusing your lawn, no water, no fertilizer....of course it looks greener else where!!

 

It's a bit of a double standard but it's one of the reasons why I recommend men do not be stay at home dads. I don't care how new age and gender equality minded the couple involved think they are (not that it's the case in this particular thread), eventually the woman who is bringing home the bacon is going to lose respect for the man and start to resent him for not sticking to his role.

 

That being said, basically the OP wants to cake eat. And while I can sympathize with her situation, I don't sympathize with her list of excuses for cheating on her husband (which she's actively doing at this point regardless of the fact it hasn't going physical yet).

 

Putting up with this situation for four years is partly on her, he can't take all the blame for that. She needs to tell him to work on finding a job or she's filing for divorce. Not that wishy washy nonsense people do where they're like monkeys swinging from tree to tree, not wanting to let go of that first branch unless they have a firm grip on another one. They don't want to leave a relationship unless they have something else already lined up. At the end of the day it comes down to a sense of entitlement and selfishness on her part. This isn't about her kids and it isn't about her family, it's about her.

 

Instead of doing what she should have done years ago, she wants to take a situation she already doesn't care for and make it worse for her children, her husband, and eventually herself because she doesn't have the stomach to handle her marriage and herself the way she should.

 

But I agree with others who say it sounds like she's already made up her mind.

[ShatteredLady]

They've been together for 5 years with 2 children who I assume are very young.

 

It's not just about finding any job. Getting a job that financially covers childcare for 2 little ones isn't as easy as it sounds. Most decent $$ careers mean 10-12 hours a day including travel. In our area that's VERY expensive particularly for baby/toddlers.

 

Has he thought of minding some other people's kids too? Probably the most lucrative idea after 4 years....

 

...or he gets custody & support. That won't leave her a lot of time or $ to shag around anyway!

[bubbaganoosh]

I understand a lot of the backlash. Here is what I am worried about from my perspective. If I really push him and give him ultimatums, it will take many months to see any progress, if there is any. I am just exhausted from waiting four years already for this change that hasn't happened. Why should I believe it will get better now? Plus, I would likely miss the opportunity to get to learn more about this new person because he will be gone by then. I understand what you all are saying, but my gut is telling me to do at least see him and see what happens.

 

 

Also, for those who think I am looking for this, or any, new person to support me, that is not it at all. I am missing a husband, someone who cares enough to get a job and isn't so unmotivated. The new person isn't even rich, but we text and call constantly and it makes me feel more appreciated and alive than I have felt in many years. I do understand everyone's points. But I'm having a hard time staying here.

 

Sounds like you already made your mind up. If that's the case then be big enough, mature enough to do the right thing. File for a divorce, gain your freedom, then make an ass out yourself when you find out that this guy is interested in a lay or two and not a real relationship. Please open your eyes and ask yourself what kind of a man would be messing around with a married woman with children. The guy has no value if he doesn't care if it wrecks a marriage even if it's one that isn't the greatest.

 

If he was any kind of a man, he would tell you to get a divorce first then he'll be with you. Think about it. The guy is a real piece of work and your as gullible as the day is long and he knows it so cover your ass because he's coming for it......................Oh yeah one other thing. How about thinking of your kids while your at it.

Edited November 1, 2016 by bubbaganoosh