DDAY happened

[jenkins95]

((((((((Lilly)))))))) I guess you could use some hugs. Wish I could give you a real one.

 

I just read the whole thread and feel very emotional. I feel your pain through your words. Please know that you are not alone. We understand your pain and we are here for you.

 

Not sure if this will help, but for what it's worth, as the xMM in an affair, I am haunted by so many things. One of those things is the way that, when everything in my life was a bomb site and I was forced to make quick decisions, that I ended things with the OW with less sensitivity and 'kindness' than I should. I was scared, I was a coward, everything was in ruins, and all i could do was run away. There are so many things that I should have said to her....... And so many things that I DID say that I bitterly regret. For example, I used cold logic to explain why it was the best choice to stay with my wife. I used logic, because that's all I had left.... my emotions and sensitivity were shot to pieces. But now I see how cold and calculating that must have seemed....I will never forget the look of pain in her eyes. She didn't want cold logic, she wanted sensitivity and love. To her it must have seemed like I simply walked away, forgot her and moved on with my life. The regret and shame I feel about that makes me tremble.

 

She may not have any idea that a year later, I am still a broken man, will always care for her and did genuinely love her. I will never forget her and i bitterly regret the pain I brought her.... And many others. I will think of her until my dying day and i wish her a truly happy life, in which she fully recovers from the A, learns from it and finds happiness.

 

I say this just to give you another perspective. Yes, he may have thrown you under a bus, he may have gone crawling back, he may have broken your heart and acted like a coward..... But as a fellow MM, I can almost guarantee you that he is hurting too. He probably felt like he had no other choice - seeing your wife destroyed on d-day does have an incredible and very sobering effect and makes you realise in an instant just how selfish you have been and how much damage you have done. He put his family first, and from an objective viewpoint, if he still has any love for his family, that was probably the right decision........ But he will never forget you, and at some level he will probably always love you. With time, even if there is never any contact between you, he will think of you fondly and will wish you all the best. A small part of him will probably always wonder what might have been.......

 

I want to add that this aspect is just one of the things that haunts me now. Another of course is coming to terms with my awful betrayal of my wife and family. I tortures me and I really struggle with trying to forgive myself - my amazing wife, who asked for none of this has forgiven me more than I have forgiven myself. There are other things I am ashamed of, like how I basically neglected everyone else in my life while I was selfishly pursuing my affair.... Good friends and family, etc. One friend actually thought I had died, so sudden and dramatic was my disappearance.

 

Sorry to ramble on. Just making the point that, despite appearances, I'd be amazed if he didn't have genuine feelings for you and will think of you forever. Yes, MM tell lies (even to themselves) become a coward and disappoint people, but this doesn't mean that they don't have genuine feelings - they do. I talk from bitter, painful experience.

 

By the way, I think that the two main contributors to this thread, Lilly and Cyra (and others) are truly amazing people. You made mistakes and you got hurt...... But your posts move me so much. There is so much of what it is to be human in your writings - frailty, fallibility, the need to love, the ability to fully give yourself but to be hurt by it, to lose hope, but then to find it again, and through tenacity and strength..... to recover, to learn from mistakes and thrive again - and you will. No question about it.

 

You WILL get over this.

 

Keep posting.

Edited October 14, 2016 by jenkins95

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could hug you. I couldn't imagine how painful it must have been to be with him only to have him go back to his wife. I am in awe of your strength and clarity so early on. You're like my hero at the moment

 

Our ddays are somewhat close. It'll be 3 weeks for me Wednesday. I've been feeling like you described off and on since dday. It seems one day I feel fine and the next I am completely devastated. Today is one of those days.

 

3 weeks is very early on. Just allow yourself to grieve and don't block your emotions. It is like a death, I don't care what anyone says about him being married. I get it and I went through it.

 

I am here to tell you that the pain does end, it goes away. So does the intense love and longing. One day you will not miss him anymore at all. You will feel a tiny bit bad, but that's it. Life goes on and so will you.

 

When you are in hell, keep going.

[MidnightBlue1980]

((((((((Lilly)))))))) I guess you could use some hugs. Wish I could give you a real one.

 

I just read the whole thread and feel very emotional. I feel your pain through your words. Please know that you are not alone. We understand your pain and we are here for you.

 

Not sure if this will help, but for what it's worth, as the xMM in an affair, I am haunted by so many things. One of those things is the way that, when everything in my life was a bomb site and I was forced to make quick decisions, that I ended things with the OW with less sensitivity and 'kindness' than I should. I was scared, I was a coward, everything was in ruins, and all i could do was run away. There are so many things that I should have said to her....... And so many things that I DID say that I bitterly regret. For example, I used cold logic to explain why it was the best choice to stay with my wife. I used logic, because that's all I had left.... my emotions and sensitivity were shot to pieces. But now I see how cold and calculating that must have seemed....I will never forget the look of pain in her eyes. She didn't want cold logic, she wanted sensitivity and love. To her it must have seemed like I simply walked away, forgot her and moved on with my life. The regret and shame I feel about that makes me tremble.

 

She may not have any idea that a year later, I am still a broken man, will always care for her and did genuinely love her. I will never forget her and i bitterly regret the pain I brought her.... And many others. I will think of her until my dying day and i wish her a truly happy life, in which she fully recovers from the A, learns from it and finds happiness.

 

I say this just to give you another perspective. Yes, he may have thrown you under a bus, he may have gone crawling back, he may have broken your heart and acted like a coward..... But as a fellow MM, I can almost guarantee you that he is hurting too. He probably felt like he had no other choice - seeing your wife destroyed on d-day does have an incredible and very sobering effect and makes you realise in an instant just how selfish you have been and how much damage you have done. He put his family first, and from an objective viewpoint, if he still has any love for his family, that was probably the right decision........ But he will never forget you, and at some level he will probably always love you. With time, even if there is never any contact between you, he will think of you fondly and will wish you all the best. A small part of him will probably always wonder what might have been.......

 

I want to add that this aspect is just one of the things that haunts me now. Another of course is coming to terms with my awful betrayal of my wife and family. I tortures me and I really struggle with trying to forgive myself - my amazing wife, who asked for none of this has forgiven me more than I have forgiven myself. There are other things I am ashamed of, like how I basically neglected everyone else in my life while I was selfishly pursuing my affair.... Good friends and family, etc. One friend actually thought I had died, so sudden and dramatic was my disappearance.

 

Sorry to ramble on. Just making the point that, despite appearances, I'd be amazed if he didn't have genuine feelings for you and will think of you forever. Yes, MM tell lies (even to themselves) become a coward and disappoint people, but this doesn't mean that they don't have genuine feelings - they do. I talk from bitter, painful experience.

 

By the way, I think that the two main contributors to this thread, Lilly and Cyra (and others) are truly amazing people. You made mistakes and you got hurt...... But your posts move me so much. There is so much of what it is to be human in your writings - frailty, fallibility, the need to love, the ability to fully give yourself but to be hurt by it, to lose hope, but then to find it again, and through tenacity and strength..... to recover, to learn from mistakes and thrive again - and you will. No question about it.

 

You WILL get over this.

 

Keep posting.

 

Jenkins, I am so sorry that you feel this way. I believe you are a year out from a 2 year affair, is my math right? I have heard it taken twice the time of an affair to get over it, for me the math works, 5 months X 2= 10 months, which is where I am right now.

 

Are you seeing a therapist to talk about this? I know you said your health was deteriorating. Another year or more of this would not be good for you.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins, I am so sorry that you feel this way. I believe you are a year out from a 2 year affair, is my math right? I have heard it taken twice the time of an affair to get over it, for me the math works, 5 months X 2= 10 months, which is where I am right now.

 

Are you seeing a therapist to talk about this? I know you said your health was deteriorating. Another year or more of this would not be good for you.

 

Midnight! I've missed you!

 

Thanks so much for being there for me and reaching out! Sorry if I gave the wrong impression with that post, I was in rambling mode a bit. I'm actually doing OK! really!....all things considered. I feel genuine recovery and my marriage is getting to a great place again...... Slowly but surely! Considering it has been a year, I wouldn't have dared wish that it could have got to this stage already.

 

I think having been in an affair, certain things will always haunt you, goes with the territory and I am learning to live with that.

 

The main point of my post was to beat my usual drum - the issue that you and I have regularly debated..... Just that MM really do develope genuine feelings and I sincerely doubt that in this case, the MM didn't have genuine feelings for the OP and will always care for her at some level.

 

You know me midnight!!!! One of my favourite themes!

 

But I am genuinely doing OK.... Very touched that you care! How are you doing midnight. I was so encouraged by your posts earlier in the week. I also appreciate the health advice and will be taking it!

 

(((Midnight))) once again you have humbled me with simple kindness!

[Lillyp32]

Maybe you don't miss *him*

 

Maybe you just miss the way he made you feel?

 

Search out those feelings elsewhere, for yourself. Do something that exhilarates you, Makes you feel confident, important, special.

 

You have it within yourself.

 

<3

 

I really need to believe in the bolded text above. Maybe I'll write it on a post it and pin it to the mirror. Thank you for this.

 

I've wondered about missing how he made me feel vs. missing him. Right now, I feel like it's a mix of both. Maybe as time passes that will change.

 

I posted in my other thread about how exMM brought me up after years of being pushed down by my husband. I spent years feeling less than and all of sudden, someone made me feel special and important. He showed me that I do have worth. That is really hard to let go of and as much as I hate what I did and regret the pain him and I caused others, I will always be greatful for what he brought out in me.

 

With that said, we didn't spend our A blowing smoke up eachothers butts. It wasn't a lovey dovey ego boosting competition. I mean, of course there were moments were we expressed how we felt about each other but over all, it was everyday conversation. It was talks about what was going on in our days, about things we've been through in the past, about our interests, our goals in life ect. It was normal conversations you'd have with a close friend. I miss those talks. I genuinely miss him.

[Lillyp32]

((((((((Lilly)))))))) I guess you could use some hugs. Wish I could give you a real one.

 

I just read the whole thread and feel very emotional. I feel your pain through your words. Please know that you are not alone. We understand your pain and we are here for you.

 

Not sure if this will help, but for what it's worth, as the xMM in an affair, I am haunted by so many things. One of those things is the way that, when everything in my life was a bomb site and I was forced to make quick decisions, that I ended things with the OW with less sensitivity and 'kindness' than I should. I was scared, I was a coward, everything was in ruins, and all i could do was run away. There are so many things that I should have said to her....... And so many things that I DID say that I bitterly regret. For example, I used cold logic to explain why it was the best choice to stay with my wife. I used logic, because that's all I had left.... my emotions and sensitivity were shot to pieces. But now I see how cold and calculating that must have seemed....I will never forget the look of pain in her eyes. She didn't want cold logic, she wanted sensitivity and love. To her it must have seemed like I simply walked away, forgot her and moved on with my life. The regret and shame I feel about that makes me tremble.

 

She may not have any idea that a year later, I am still a broken man, will always care for her and did genuinely love her. I will never forget her and i bitterly regret the pain I brought her.... And many others. I will think of her until my dying day and i wish her a truly happy life, in which she fully recovers from the A, learns from it and finds happiness.

 

I say this just to give you another perspective. Yes, he may have thrown you under a bus, he may have gone crawling back, he may have broken your heart and acted like a coward..... But as a fellow MM, I can almost guarantee you that he is hurting too. He probably felt like he had no other choice - seeing your wife destroyed on d-day does have an incredible and very sobering effect and makes you realise in an instant just how selfish you have been and how much damage you have done. He put his family first, and from an objective viewpoint, if he still has any love for his family, that was probably the right decision........ But he will never forget you, and at some level he will probably always love you. With time, even if there is never any contact between you, he will think of you fondly and will wish you all the best. A small part of him will probably always wonder what might have been.......

 

I want to add that this aspect is just one of the things that haunts me now. Another of course is coming to terms with my awful betrayal of my wife and family. I tortures me and I really struggle with trying to forgive myself - my amazing wife, who asked for none of this has forgiven me more than I have forgiven myself. There are other things I am ashamed of, like how I basically neglected everyone else in my life while I was selfishly pursuing my affair.... Good friends and family, etc. One friend actually thought I had died, so sudden and dramatic was my disappearance.

 

Sorry to ramble on. Just making the point that, despite appearances, I'd be amazed if he didn't have genuine feelings for you and will think of you forever. Yes, MM tell lies (even to themselves) become a coward and disappoint people, but this doesn't mean that they don't have genuine feelings - they do. I talk from bitter, painful experience.

 

By the way, I think that the two main contributors to this thread, Lilly and Cyra (and others) are truly amazing people. You made mistakes and you got hurt...... But your posts move me so much. There is so much of what it is to be human in your writings - frailty, fallibility, the need to love, the ability to fully give yourself but to be hurt by it, to lose hope, but then to find it again, and through tenacity and strength..... to recover, to learn from mistakes and thrive again - and you will. No question about it.

 

You WILL get over this.

 

Keep posting.

 

Awww Jenkins, thank you for this. This post had me in tears. I've been reading here for a long time. In fact, I mentioned you in my other thread The way you write and express your feelings has always reminded me of exMM. In terms of your OW, your wife and you reconciling. I've felt like exMM would feel the same as you do about your OW when it came to me in the end. I think that is what had me caught off guard about his NC letter. It didn't sound like the man I knew. The man I knew wouldn't be so cold and callous. He would want to save his M, he would tell me not to contact him again, but he would never say things to hurt me. I think that is where my pain is coming from. It's hard for me to process. Especially after almost 3 years. You've given me a better understanding of where he was coming from in that letter. Thank you so much. Your words brought me some comfort tonight.

 

I'm happy to hear that your reconciliation is going well! In my moments of clarity I wish the same for exMM. I truly want him to be happy one day and I never wanted him to lose his family even though my actions show otherwise.

 

You're right, I WILL get through this. Back to the word I hate, time. Tick, tock...

[Lillyp32]

When you are in hell, keep going.

 

This will be posted on my mirror as well.

[Lillyp32]

The one obvious positive that came out of the painful situation is that you got out of the abusive marriage. You are on your own now, a fresh new start for you. You can make your life anything you want it to be, do whatever you want to do, and I know it is not so much right now but it will become an exciting prospect soon

 

When I was with xMM and things were ok between us, he made me feel good, even loved, and I was addicted to that feeling because I did not love myself. But I can see now that I was looking to him to fill my need to feel good about myself. My emotional state was completely dependent on what he did. Ie. If he paid me a lot of attention I was happy. If he did not text me or talk to me much, I felt bad. I now understand I was emotionally dependent on him and I was looking for him to fulfill me and the emptiness I felt inside as a result of my unfulfilled life. Now I have realized that behavior is wrong and never productive. If we can find what we need within ourselves, if we can love ourselves enough to feel fulfilled and comfortable within ourselves, then we will not have to rely to get this feeling from other people.

 

I too have not been alone in a long time. It is like finding yourself, who you are, all over again. But it is like everything new and unfamiliar. The familiar feels good because we are used to it, even if it is bad for us and sometimes the unknown scares us. Soon, the bright light that is your new life will start shining through the dark clouds that you are in now and you will see possibilities for yourself that you have not seen before.

 

Dont feel bad or stupid for being sad. Live it, feel it, own it. It is a genuine feeling and if your heart hurts it means it still works. It will get better x

 

I relate to you so much! It nice to know that all these feelings are normal. Thank you for all of your support today. I appreciate it more than you know.

[jenkins95]

Awww Jenkins, thank you for this. This post had me in tears. I've been reading here for a long time. In fact, I mentioned you in my other thread The way you write and express your feelings has always reminded me of exMM. In terms of your OW, your wife and you reconciling. I've felt like exMM would feel the same as you do about your OW when it came to me in the end. I think that is what had me caught off guard about his NC letter. It didn't sound like the man I knew. The man I knew wouldn't be so cold and callous. He would want to save his M, he would tell me not to contact him again, but he would never say things to hurt me. I think that is where my pain is coming from. It's hard for me to process. Especially after almost 3 years. You've given me a better understanding of where he was coming from in that letter. Thank you so much. Your words brought me some comfort tonight.

 

I'm happy to hear that your reconciliation is going well! In my moments of clarity I wish the same for exMM. I truly want him to be happy one day and I never wanted him to lose his family even though my actions show otherwise.

 

You're right, I WILL get through this. Back to the word I hate, time. Tick, tock...

 

Lilly! Thank you. What a lovely post! I too am in tears (not for the first time today!) and you too have brought me comfort.... Thank you!

 

The NC letter is unfortunate, but please know that it probably tortures him even more than it does to you. As you say, it wasn't 'him', not the real him. He may have actually had very little say as to what actually went into the letter.

 

I feel such warmth from you and other lovely posters here. It's strange... None of us would have signed up for this, none of us would have wanted be LS members..... But now that we're here, we get such comfort from it. We are hurt people and as such, we tend to bare our souls on here. That can actually make you feel very connected and close to other members, even if we are complete strangers! I think I will sleep OK tonight, thanks largely to you! Keep these amazing posts coming Lilly! Goodnight

Edited October 15, 2016 by jenkins95

[MidnightBlue1980]

This will be posted on my mirror as well.

 

It was actually my husband who said that to me in February. It's by Churchill. I liked it.

 

My guy friend sent me this in the middle of it all. I saved it. It's a Rocky classic. I listened to it over and over again. Under 2 minutes.

 

[Lillyp32]

It was actually my husband who said that to me in February. It's by Churchill. I liked it.

 

My guy friend sent me this in the middle of it all. I saved it. It's a Rocky classic. I listened to it over and over again. Under 2 minutes.

 

 

I LOVE this Midnight! I've watched it twice now Is it sad I've never seen This movie? Lol

[MidnightBlue1980]

I LOVE this Midnight! I've watched it twice now Is it sad I've never seen This movie? Lol

 

It was a long time ago but running has helped a lot of people through heartache. Maybe you just dress up his grey matching sweats for 2016. :-)

[MidnightBlue1980]

I LOVE this Midnight! I've watched it twice now Is it sad I've never seen This movie? Lol

 

Do you have a guy friend? Guy friends are good because they have a different approach. It may not be the healthiest but it's different from women. It can help.

[ShatteredLady]

This thread has me in tears. You know that stomach sinking feeling, struggling to catch breath. I've learnt why they call it a 'broken heart'. It's real. It's a true physical feeling. My heart wants to burst out of my chest...like that Alien scene.

 

Oh Lily. I cry for you & I cry for me. Let me confess something very dark & very true....Part of me wants to be you (before it turned to ****) I'm desperate to heal. I can't even imagine a man making me feel desired, wanted, adored.

 

Sometimes I want my H to hurt!! I want him to know how it feels to have everything reduced to nothing. We met days after my 21st birthday & I believed utterly & completely that he could never hurt me. His affairs (12 years apart with the same woman) have taken everything. I am nothing. My brother committed suicide after his wife's adultery. My parents will never be the same. My Mum cradled his lifeless body in her arms like she did when he was a baby until the police & ambulance took him away. Her arms were empty. My Dad found his body. I lost not only my only sibling but both my parents in one moment.

 

Every memory of him hurts them. Every memory is linked to me so my very existence causes them pain. In my darkest hours I resent him! I know that's disgusting!! I'm that low! You see my H cheated on me the year before. He was cruel & extremely abusive. I was a coward!! I wanted to die. If I'd had the courage to do that my brother would of witnessed the emotional carnage & (like me now) he wouldn't of been able to do it! He would still be alive if I'd had the courage to die. My families world would be a better place.

 

Lily. Oh lovely lady. I understand how much you needed, how he saved you whilst condemning you to this agony. I could never be loved. I could never open myself again. At least you know that you can. You are free of your husband & the perception he abused you with. You will get over this. You have a beautiful future.

 

I read the beautiful, supportive posts by Jenkins & I know that the woman I've always been should be warmed by the depth & sincerity of his words. I'm not!

 

My grandmother died clutching the wrinkled, fingered, little black & white photograph of little more than a boy. He was NOT my grandfather! 60 years of marriage & it wasn't my grandads picture she held as she left this world. As a romantic that kills me.

Know that Jenkins could be right. I'm a romantic. Being cherished until his dying day says so much. I'm not a woman who's picture will be held. I'm "the old ball. & chain'. I'm just 'her', the history, the kids, the life style.

 

No-one wins. It all decays, rots in the darkness of our nightmares. It's all loss. I advised before that it takes "time" & in time you will find a wonderful, genuine life.

 

I don't know what I'm banging-on about anymore.

 

Lily, you are so much better than you know. These are the darkest hours before dawn. I understand your choices. I don't agree but I truly understand. These are early days & you've been through so very much. The further you sink, the longer it takes to surface but you will get there. There's a beautiful life waiting for you. You're brave, kind & empathic. Please remember that.

 

Time.

[Lillyp32]

Do you have a guy friend? Guy friends are good because they have a different approach. It may not be the healthiest but it's different from women. It can help.

 

I have no guy friends. ExMM WAS my guy friend. I used to have a ton. My husband never liked it. Probably because girl friends to him weren't just friends....even though he was married to me. I ended up slowly cutting them all out to appease my husband.

[Midlifecrisis1]

 

Not sure if this will help, but for what it's worth, as the xMM in an affair, I am haunted by so many things. One of those things is the way that, when everything in my life was a bomb site and I was forced to make quick decisions, that I ended things with the OW with less sensitivity and 'kindness' than I should. I was scared, I was a coward, everything was in ruins, and all i could do was run away. There are so many things that I should have said to her....... And so many things that I DID say that I bitterly regret. For example, I used cold logic to explain why it was the best choice to stay with my wife. I used logic, because that's all I had left.... my emotions and sensitivity were shot to pieces. But now I see how cold and calculating that must have seemed....I will never forget the look of pain in her eyes. She didn't want cold logic, she wanted sensitivity and love. To her it must have seemed like I simply walked away, forgot her and moved on with my life. The regret and shame I feel about that makes me tremble.

 

She may not have any idea that a year later, I am still a broken man, will always care for her and did genuinely love her. I will never forget her and i bitterly regret the pain I brought her.... And many others. I will think of her until my dying day and i wish her a truly happy life, in which she fully recovers from the A, learns from it and finds happiness.

 

I say this just to give you another perspective. Yes, he may have thrown you under a bus, he may have gone crawling back, he may have broken your heart and acted like a coward..... But as a fellow MM, I can almost guarantee you that he is hurting too. He probably felt like he had no other choice - seeing your wife destroyed on d-day does have an incredible and very sobering effect and makes you realise in an instant just how selfish you have been and how much damage you have done. He put his family first, and from an objective viewpoint, if he still has any love for his family, that was probably the right decision........ But he will never forget you, and at some level he will probably always love you. With time, even if there is never any contact between you, he will think of you fondly and will wish you all the best. A small part of him will probably always wonder what might have been.......

 

.

 

Jenkins...this made me cry. It is exactly how I imagine my xMM feels...he has pretty much said this to me, that he will never forget me and always love me. It's so freaking sad. Part of me feels like we should have chosen each other, but logically that would have been the wrong choice for both of us.

[Lillyp32]

This thread has me in tears. You know that stomach sinking feeling, struggling to catch breath. I've learnt why they call it a 'broken heart'. It's real. It's a true physical feeling. My heart wants to burst out of my chest...like that Alien scene.

 

Oh Lily. I cry for you & I cry for me. Let me confess something very dark & very true....Part of me wants to be you (before it turned to ****) I'm desperate to heal. I can't even imagine a man making me feel desired, wanted, adored.

 

Sometimes I want my H to hurt!! I want him to know how it feels to have everything reduced to nothing. We met days after my 21st birthday & I believed utterly & completely that he could never hurt me. His affairs (12 years apart with the same woman) have taken everything. I am nothing. My brother committed suicide after his wife's adultery. My parents will never be the same. My Mum cradled his lifeless body in her arms like she did when he was a baby until the police & ambulance took him away. Her arms were empty. My Dad found his body. I lost not only my only sibling but both my parents in one moment.

 

Every memory of him hurts them. Every memory is linked to me so my very existence causes them pain. In my darkest hours I resent him! I know that's disgusting!! I'm that low! You see my H cheated on me the year before. He was cruel & extremely abusive. I was a coward!! I wanted to die. If I'd had the courage to do that my brother would of witnessed the emotional carnage & (like me now) he wouldn't of been able to do it! He would still be alive if I'd had the courage to die. My families world would be a better place.

 

Lily. Oh lovely lady. I understand how much you needed, how he saved you whilst condemning you to this agony. I could never be loved. I could never open myself again. At least you know that you can. You are free of your husband & the perception he abused you with. You will get over this. You have a beautiful future.

 

I read the beautiful, supportive posts by Jenkins & I know that the woman I've always been should be warmed by the depth & sincerity of his words. I'm not!

 

My grandmother died clutching the wrinkled, fingered, little black & white photograph of little more than a boy. He was NOT my grandfather! 60 years of marriage & it wasn't my grandads picture she held as she left this world. As a romantic that kills me.

Know that Jenkins could be right. I'm a romantic. Being cherished until his dying day says so much. I'm not a woman who's picture will be held. I'm "the old ball. & chain'. I'm just 'her', the history, the kids, the life style.

 

No-one wins. It all decays, rots in the darkness of our nightmares. It's all loss. I advised before that it takes "time" & in time you will find a wonderful, genuine life.

 

I don't know what I'm banging-on about anymore.

 

Lily, you are so much better than you know. These are the darkest hours before dawn. I understand your choices. I don't agree but I truly understand. These are early days & you've been through so very much. The further you sink, the longer it takes to surface but you will get there. There's a beautiful life waiting for you. You're brave, kind & empathic. Please remember that.

 

Time.

 

My heart hurts for you. I don't think the feeling you have at times about your brothers suicide make you even close to disgusting. I've got a couple of close friends that have dealt with the same things. Both lost their brother to suicide. They have the same feelings as you. It is hard to process someone taking their own life. You miss them and are mad at them for leaving you by choice all at the same time. I am so sorry you had to experience that pain. I couldn't imagine going through that. I'm in tears reading your words. Your pain comes through so clearly. I wish I could take it away.

 

I know the pain that comes from being betrayed. It is an all encompassing pain that sticks with you. I'm not sure it's something you can ever escape. It's just something you learn to live with. This is what has me feeling disgusted with myself. I knew the pain of being betrayed and I went and bestowed it on others. This is something I'm trying to reconcile within myself. It shows how broken I am. I don't even have words for what it feels like to be in an A knowing how devastating it is to be cheated on but to continue on anyways. I struggled with this a lot during the A bit selfishly continued. I'm hoping that one day I'll learn how to forgive myself for what I've done.

 

I also met my husband at a very young age. I was 18. I never thought he would hurt me either. He spent the first 11 years of our relationship cheating on me. I spent years not knowing where my husband was while I was home caring for our children. Years crying myself to sleep. Years wondering what was wrong with me. Wondering why my own husband didn't want to be around me. Wondering what these other women had that I didn't. Years being told that I wasn't good enough in some way or another. Years being verbally abused, demeaned and sometimes physically abused. Years being told that my feelings were "wrong". Like you, I felt like I was nothing. I became someone I didn't even recognize. I withdrew from people. I became closed off to everyone around me. I became so good at faking happiness. I was afraid to leave. I'm a coward.

 

I've learned something though. I am NOT nothing. My husband's actions and words made me feel that way, but it's not true. Everything he ever put me through had nothing to do with me. That was all him and his issues. He just couldn't see my worth and got me to a point where I couldn't see it either. I know my worth now. I may have taken the wrong path in finding it but I now know.

 

Shattered Lady, I do not know your story but I understand your pain. I understand that feeling of everything being reduced to nothing. Of feeling like nothing. You must try and remember that you are NOT nothing. You are more than the old ball and chain. You deserve to be loved, wanted and adored. What your husband did was in no way a reflection of your worth. It was a reflection of his brokenness. What he does now to fix that brokenness will show you if he is deserving of having a woman as wonderful as you in his life. Know your worth. Value yourself.

 

The compassion you've shown me in your post proves what an amazing person you are. You've been through so much and have still gotten through the days. This shows strength.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Healing will come for both of us eventualy.

[ShatteredLady]

Jenkins.

 

I'm sorry I tried to PM you but received the message that your bank is full & you need to delete some stored messages.

 

I'm sorry

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have no guy friends. ExMM WAS my guy friend. I used to have a ton. My husband never liked it. Probably because girl friends to him weren't just friends....even though he was married to me. I ended up slowly cutting them all out to appease my husband.

 

xmm was not a real guy friend. I have two and they do not try to destroy my life, heart and soul like xmm did.

 

Some of the guys here give good advice. They are very to the point and matter of fact about it but they are right for the most part. It helps you to see how men think about all this.

[aileD]

He's a leaf.

 

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=FecZqeyXwK4

 

You WILL find your root.

[Lillyp32]

He's a leaf.

 

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=FecZqeyXwK4

 

You WILL find your root.

 

Thank you for this! I wish I could've watched this years ago! The part about feeling uncomfortable in your own home has been my life with my husband for over a decade.

 

Both of those men were just a leaf. I hope you're right about finding my root one day

[Lillyp32]

Part of me feels like we should have chosen each other, but logically that would have been the wrong choice for both of us.

 

I relate to this. It's exactly what had me always bringing exMM back to reality

[Midlifecrisis1]

Lilly, I was also the one always bringing him back to reality. He thought our kids would be fine with us, our spouses would be nice and friendly and the town would be happy for us. I had to remind him the people in town are friends with his wife too, and he isn't thinking about how messy it would be, and his kids wouldn't love me when they realized that I took their dad from their mom.

[ShatteredLady]

Watching that YouTube made me happy!!

 

It's so easy to get stuck in misery paralysis.

 

If I'd been asked to make a 'Me List' before I watched that it would of had my amazing kids on my positive list & constant spine pain, cancer, adultery, mourning deaths, poor, poor pathetic me filling the rest of it.

 

THAT'S NOT TRUE!! That's because of a man & the things he said & did to me!

 

I have ROOT'S!

 

I have a tiny handful of people who are the strongest, out amazing roots anyone could ever even imagine having!! My 2 best friends have offered to home me & my children indefinitely!! Either would jump on a plane & be here within 24 hours if I needed them!

 

I've been very depressed & forgotten my blessings. Sad.

 

Anyway, loved that YouTube. I've sent it to my friends.

[Chica80]

I really need to believe in the bolded text above. Maybe I'll write it on a post it and pin it to the mirror. Thank you for this.

 

I've wondered about missing how he made me feel vs. missing him. Right now, I feel like it's a mix of both. Maybe as time passes that will change.

 

I posted in my other thread about how exMM brought me up after years of being pushed down by my husband. I spent years feeling less than and all of sudden, someone made me feel special and important. He showed me that I do have worth. That is really hard to let go of and as much as I hate what I did and regret the pain him and I caused others, I will always be greatful for what he brought out in me.

 

With that said, we didn't spend our A blowing smoke up eachothers butts. It wasn't a lovey dovey ego boosting competition. I mean, of course there were moments were we expressed how we felt about each other but over all, it was everyday conversation. It was talks about what was going on in our days, about things we've been through in the past, about our interests, our goals in life ect. It was normal conversations you'd have with a close friend. I miss those talks. I genuinely miss him.

 

I can relate to this.... I can understand....that's why I think unless DDay happens, don't know if I will leave