DDAY happened

[S2B]

Ruffian,

I'm going with jaded lol I don't think I'll hear from him again. I don't want to. Maybe it would make my ego feel better but I know it's best that I don't. I know there would be no point in him coming back as I have no desire to respond. But hey, maybe I'm just bitter lol

 

Then change your info like Whichwayisup suggested.

 

Email

Phone number

Call the police if he even attempts to step on your property

 

Take charge of the things you can! Block ever avenue for him to communicate with you - otherwise you'll start getting contact from random numbers and his new email account.

 

Take his contact out of your phone. Then send a mass email to every contact with your new number. It's that simple - people who need to reach you have your new number.

[Lillyp32]

Gettingstonger,

 

Thank you This actually helps and I can relate to it.

 

MB,

 

I'm working on the letting go part. I know that will take time. When say I will always feel this way, I mean that I don't think that I will ever feel as if I never loved him. I'm just hoping that he feels the same. That everything he said to me wasn't a lie. I know that may not be realistic as he is trying to reconcile. I guess I just want to feel like I was duped. That probably sounds stupid.

[Lillyp32]

Then change your info like Whichwayisup suggested.

 

Email

Phone number

Call the police if he even attempts to step on your property

 

Take charge of the things you can! Block ever avenue for him to communicate with you - otherwise you'll start getting contact from random numbers and his new email account.

 

Take his contact out of your phone. Then send a mass email to every contact with your new number. It's that simple - people who need to reach you have your new number.

 

I honestly don't think he's going to reach out. Ever. I think he will be the perfect remorseful wayward. At this point changing my phone number isn't really necessary as we rarely had phone conversations. The email is something to think about. I just truly believe he is done and that's ok. I'm feeling relieved that I'm longer in the A. It doesn't mean that I don't miss him, I'm just happy to be out of it.

[Lillyp32]

I LOVE this analogy. How apt it describes the feeling.

 

@Lilly, I think you have held up incredibly well considering the circumstances. Owning what you did after Dday was right thing to do and I hope that you stay strong during this long path to healing yourself.

 

Funny enough, my xMM reached the exact same point after Dday. His cold, unfailingly polite text was enough to freak me out emotionally. "How could things change overnight?" I asked the exact same questions you wondered and now 20 months post Dday, I don't think i found the answers to all of them.

 

If it helps and I hope it does, I am now 100x better than the sniveling mess I was, last year. No regrets at all.

 

Stay strong and you'll realize living painfully but honestly is way better than living a lie and not being able to be true to yourself.

 

This gives me hope! Not having the answers I want/need will have to be something I come to accept. I guess that acceptance will come as I let go.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I honestly don't think he's going to reach out. Ever. I think he will be the perfect remorseful wayward. At this point changing my phone number isn't really necessary as we rarely had phone conversations. The email is something to think about. I just truly believe he is done and that's ok. I'm feeling relieved that I'm longer in the A. It doesn't mean that I don't miss him, I'm just happy to be out of it.

 

Please don't play this game because deep down you are hoping he will eventually reach out. Block him from any form of contact because he will reach out trust me. If you don't believe me or S2B read the stories on here. He will reach out under the guise of 'wanting to check on you' or an accidental call (right) or 'wanting to be friends' or 'wanting some form of closure' or 'wanting to apologize' - it doesn't matter Lilly and it may be months from now but at some point he will try to contact you. I don't bet but i would bet a LOT of money on this one.

 

If you allow him to contact you- and open that door even a crack he will find his way in and you will be down this rabbit hole again.

[Lillyp32]

Please don't play this game because deep down you are hoping he will eventually reach out. Block him from any form of contact because he will reach out trust me. If you don't believe me or S2B read the stories on here. He will reach out under the guise of 'wanting to check on you' or an accidental call (right) or 'wanting to be friends' or 'wanting some form of closure' or 'wanting to apologize' - it doesn't matter Lilly and it may be months from now but at some point he will try to contact you. I don't bet but i would bet a LOT of money on this one.

 

If you allow him to contact you- and open that door even a crack he will find his way in and you will be down this rabbit hole again.

 

The only thing I have to block him on is social media which I've done. I no longer have his phone number and the email account he used is closed. So I guess all I have left is to change my email? I honestly don't want to hear from him. I mean that. I know it would only cause more pain and I don't want that. I really don't.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The only thing I have to block him on is social media which I've done. I no longer have his phone number and the email account he used is closed. So I guess all I have left is to change my email? I honestly don't want to hear from him. I mean that. I know it would only cause more pain and I don't want that. I really don't.

 

It's hard to really hide in this day and age. I agree with the social media, absolutely, but changing your email and phone number is a major hassle these days. I use both and they are in a million places, log ins, etc. Plus if he wants to find you, he probably can. All you need is a credit card and you can find someone's address and number on these spy websites. You are probably on Linked In too, right? You can block him but he can still see you if he is not logged in, or makes a second profile. My point is, unless he is a serial killer, I would not go to a ton of trouble to try and hide. Better to work on yourself so if he does contact you, you are ready to not respond.

[Lillyp32]

It's hard to really hide in this day and age. I agree with the social media, absolutely, but changing your email and phone number is a major hassle these days. I use both and they are in a million places, log ins, etc. Plus if he wants to find you, he probably can. All you need is a credit card and you can find someone's address and number on these spy websites. You are probably on Linked In too, right? You can block him but he can still see you if he is not logged in, or makes a second profile. My point is, unless he is a serial killer, I would not go to a ton of trouble to try and hide. Better to work on yourself so if he does contact you, you are ready to not respond.

 

I was kinda thinking the same thing but wasn't sure if I was just being lazy about it lol

 

I don't have a linked in account. All I ever use is FB which he's been blocked there. We never spoke on FB anyways, I just figured him and his wife aren't able to see me now. I have an instagram account too. I don't use it, I just look at what people post. I wasn't aware that he had an instagram account until a friend of mine told me that he and I were following each other on it so I unfollowed him there as well. It doesn't look like it's something he ever used but figured it was a good idea.

 

I had a dream about him last night. Second time since dday. It's stuck with me today and I hate it.

[Lillyp32]

I'm feeling the lowest low I've ever felt before. I can barely function. It's hard for me to concentrate. I feel zombie like. I'm stuck in a constant daze and constantly fighting back tears. I had some sort of break down last night. My heart literally hurt, I couldn't stop crying, I could barely breathe. This is the third time I've done this since Sunday. I felt like that after my husbands last affair. Realizing I've caused others to feel the same has me sinking even lower. I'm hating myself for all of this. I just hate what I did and who I am. I'm missing exMM which makes me feel stupid. I'm mourning the loss of my marriage even though I know it's best. I can't eat. I can barely sleep. I wish these feelings would go away. I feel like I'm going to break. Maybe I already have.

[Formerfiveo]

What you're going through is "normal". It will take time...lots of time...to start feeling better. Unfortunately, you're also extremely vulnerable right now. This is why many go back to their AP - the pain is just too much and they just want it to go away.

 

But in order to get over it, you have to go through it.

 

Force yourself to keep your daily routine.

 

Force yourself to get out of the house, even if it's just to walk around the neighborhood.

 

Start keeping a journal and pour everything out.

 

Give yourself time to heal and be kind to yourself through the process.

 

You WILL get through it, and you WILL feel better. Eventually.

 

Hang in there!

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'm feeling the lowest low I've ever felt before. I can barely function. It's hard for me to concentrate. I feel zombie like. I'm stuck in a constant daze and constantly fighting back tears. I had some sort of break down last night. My heart literally hurt, I couldn't stop crying, I could barely breathe. This is the third time I've done this since Sunday. I felt like that after my husbands last affair. Realizing I've caused others to feel the same has me sinking even lower. I'm hating myself for all of this. I just hate what I did and who I am. I'm missing exMM which makes me feel stupid. I'm mourning the loss of my marriage even though I know it's best. I can't eat. I can barely sleep. I wish these feelings would go away. I feel like I'm going to break. Maybe I already have.

 

For me during all of this what really helped was hearing that this is okay to feel this way - and allowing these feelings/thoughts to come is part of all of this and moving forward. You haven't broken because you are still here- the pain is changing you and it hurts but allow it to come and to be there. Know that it will be there for awhile acknowledge it but don't go down any rabbit holes with it.

 

Thinking of you- you are stronger than you think. Here is a (((HUG))) for you!

[sandylee1]

You're right, my husbands actions have never showed love towards me. Not one bit.

 

Ahh, the affair fog. Is it always just a fog? I think this is the part I'm having trouble grasping. Almost 3 years and absolutely none of the feeling he said he felt were real? I guess I don't understand it. I do feel like everything I felt for him is real, I'm sure I'll always feel that way. On the other hand, I regret the A because of all the people we hurt by having it.

 

I have been looking inward. Believe me. I take full responsibility for my part in this whole mess. I'm angry and disgusted with myself. The anger I feel towards him is mostly because if what he said is true in that email, then he spent almost 3 years lying to me and for what? Its frustrating.

 

As far as my marriage, that's over with. I am however trying to help my husband through this the best I can even though I don't plan on reconciling. I think it's only fair.

 

He probably felt that way at the time, but feelings do change. Especially when you realise how much you've hurt your spouse and you see them being a snivelling wreck because of your actions.

 

That's when MM realise it wasn't worthit and that it was a fantasy and an escape from the daily grind.

 

It's noble of you to try and help your husband. Did he help you after his affairs? Do you think he now sees what he did to you?

[Lillyp32]

Thank Hecantbreak me and Formerfiveo. It helps to know this is normal because I'm feeling far from normal. I kinda feel like but job that chantkeepr her feelings in check. I had to go off into the bathroom a couple times at work to cry. I just sobbed. I know this will be a long process and it's going to be hard. Guess I need to take it one day at a time.

[Lillyp32]

He probably felt that way at the time, but feelings do change. Especially when you realise how much you've hurt your spouse and you see them being a snivelling wreck because of your actions.

 

That's when MM realise it wasn't worthit and that it was a fantasy and an escape from the daily grind.

 

It's noble of you to try and help your husband. Did he help you after his affairs? Do you think he now sees what he did to you?

 

 

I understand this. I really do. It's hard for me to know the pain I've caused my husband and I'm not even reconciling. I just know that what I felt with exMM was very real for me. It still is real even though I absolutely hate what we did. Even though I regret what we did. I don't feel that it was worth all of this either. I know that feelings change. I guess I feel like that if he is feeling what you described now and truly feel like he doesn't love me or care about me then he never did. I just don't think it's possible to turn feelings of love off that easily. So in the end, I was duped. It's just a tough pill to swallow.

 

As far as my husband and his affairs go, no he never truly tried to help me. He put on a decent show of remorse but I was trickle truthed until I couldn't take anymore. He broke NC to give a beautifully written lovey dovey apology letter to his last OW. When I wanted MC I was told he would go BUT we wouldn't talk about the A. This was about 4 years ago and that is when I finally shut down completely in my M. I didn't see the point of trying anymore. I do think he now understands what's he's out me through all of our M. There was m Ch more than just cheating. I just feel like he's come to this realization way too late.

[Lillyp32]

Sorry for all of the typos. I'm trying to do this from my phone. It like to auto correct things that don't need correcting lol

[Midlifecrisis1]

Lilly, you are saying all the same things that I have said to my therapist. He had the feelings. You were not duped. He just snapped into reality before you did and you weren't ready for it. There is no way you go from feeling like someone is your everything to feeling nothing just like that. I spent almost 2 months crying, barely able to function, hiding in my bathroom so my kids wouldn't see me cry, going to therapy 2x per week (which I still do) and I was having anxiety attacks. Then I went to a psychiatrist a few weeks ago who put me on antidepressants and I haven't cried in about a week. I am able to function so much better. Depression is lifted and anxiety pretty much gone. I'm not saying drugs are the answer, but they can help you get through the roughest time along with therapy.

[sandylee1]

I understand this. I really do. It's hard for me to know the pain I've caused my husband and I'm not even reconciling. I just know that what I felt with exMM was very real for me. It still is real even though I absolutely hate what we did. Even though I regret what we did. I don't feel that it was worth all of this either. I know that feelings change. I guess I feel like that if he is feeling what you described now and truly feel like he doesn't love me or care about me then he never did. I just don't think it's possible to turn feelings of love off that easily. So in the end, I was duped. It's just a tough pill to swallow.

 

As far as my husband and his affairs go, no he never truly tried to help me. He put on a decent show of remorse but I was trickle truthed until I couldn't take anymore. He broke NC to give a beautifully written lovey dovey apology letter to his last OW. When I wanted MC I was told he would go BUT we wouldn't talk about the A. This was about 4 years ago and that is when I finally shut down completely in my M. I didn't see the point of trying anymore. I do think he now understands what's he's out me through all of our M. There was m Ch more than just cheating. I just feel like he's come to this realization way too late.

 

You knoweven when it's not an affair, some people can change their feelings very quickly. For me even when I really liked a guy I was with, if he hurt me or just annoyed me, I changed my feelings quickly.

 

Talk less of when you betray a spouse.

Risk your family.

Have your parents and inlaws know what you did

You loose the respect of people

 

 

That's enough to switch off the love, when you realise the reasonyour world has crashedis because you messed up big time. That's where your MM is.

 

No wonder you checker out of the marriage after the serial cheating. Sorry, but I can't muster up any sympathy for your husband. I think it serves him right after what he did to you. Some men are convinced their wives will for ever be faithful. Well repeated cheating can certainly change that.

[Lillyp32]

I've never been able to just turn feelings off, even if I've been hurt. I've been able to stuff them down a bit but they always remained below the surface until I could fully let go of them. Maybe that's why this is hard for me to understand. It's weird because I do not want him back in any way. I've been trying to walk away for a long time. I just want to know that I meant something. Given the situation I understand that why in the end, I didn't. I've read some posts by a member named Jenkins or something like that. I've always thought that the way he write and feels sounded very much like exMM. I guess I had always imagined that when it was all said and done, that he would feel the Jenkins does about his OW. Wishful thinking I guess.

 

Thinking back, I also understand why he means so much more to me than I did to him. Even though the A was hard at times, he brought me up and somehow managed to give me a level of confidence and happiness I hadn't felt in I don't know how long. Being married to someone that was putting me down and making me feel less than for so long and all of a sudden feeling like I wasn't less than and like I did matter brought something out in me I hadn't felt since before I started dating my husband. It let me experience a level of happiness that I know I want in a future relationship and showed me that it was in fact possible to feel like that. It gave me the confidence to leave my abusive marriage so that one day I can have that same feeling with someone who can give all of them, not just crumbs. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense. I feel like my mind is all over the place right now.

[Lillyp32]

i feel a million times better today. I guess this up and down will be my new normal for a while. My problem is I can't stop thinking about exMM. I've been replaying parts of the A over and over again in my head. I keep wondering how he's doing. Wondering if he's wondering how I'm doing. Feeling disgusted about the A and what we did but missing him at the same time. Wondering if he's thinking about me at all. It feels so obsessive! I even had a dream abut him last night. Again. I keep trying to push the thoughts out but they keep coming back. I'm trying to stay distracted but those thoughts are still there lurking in the back ground.

 

How do you stop the obsessive thoughts?

[HeCantBreakMe]

i feel a million times better today. I guess this up and down will be my new normal for a while. My problem is I can't stop thinking about exMM. I've been replaying parts of the A over and over again in my head. I keep wondering how he's doing. Wondering if he's wondering how I'm doing. Feeling disgusted about the A and what we did but missing him at the same time. Wondering if he's thinking about me at all. It feels so obsessive! I even had a dream abut him last night. Again. I keep trying to push the thoughts out but they keep coming back. I'm trying to stay distracted but those thoughts are still there lurking in the back ground.

 

How do you stop the obsessive thoughts?

 

Funny, I had this same conversation with my therapist yesterday. What I gathered was to have these thoughts is normal. She recommended not trying to push them away but to let them come just dont go down any rabbit holes with them. If they come simply hear them - they can't hurt you they are just thoughts/memories. Eventually as you keep progressing and moving forward they will start to quiet down. But it may take time so know this and know you will not feed the memories simply allow them to be.

 

Sometimes it feels like these thoughts/memories are so loud in my head it is almost painful so trust me - I get it. Remember it is part of the process of letting go. This is the point in any addiction where people go back because the thoughts become almost too unbearable to handle and you worry they may never go away so may as well go back to the source and quiet them down a little bit (IE call MM or text).. You control your actions - not your memories.

[Birdies]

Hey lady. I broke it off with my MM a couple times but it was pretty damn hard to stop the thoughts etc, because we work together, and the break was always very very brief :/ So I can't speak from experience. But the collective advice and wisdom seems to be, like quitting heroin or something, you just have to go cold turkey and suffer through the withdrawals and just simply wait until it becomes less painful. Time heals all things, you know. Time does keep marching forward, thank god.

 

I'm so glad that you were able to leave your abusive marriage. Are you in counseling? Focus on healing, and spend time with friends and family, and dive into your hobbies, and just wait until you don't think about your MM as much. Xox.

[Chica80]

Funny, I had this same conversation with my therapist yesterday. What I gathered was to have these thoughts is normal. She recommended not trying to push them away but to let them come just dont go down any rabbit holes with them. If they come simply hear them - they can't hurt you they are just thoughts/memories. Eventually as you keep progressing and moving forward they will start to quiet down. But it may take time so know this and know you will not feed the memories simply allow them to be.

 

Sometimes it feels like these thoughts/memories are so loud in my head it is almost painful so trust me - I get it. Remember it is part of the process of letting go. This is the point in any addiction where people go back because the thoughts become almost too unbearable to handle and you worry they may never go away so may as well go back to the source and quiet them down a little bit (IE call MM or text).. You control your actions - not your memories.

 

great advice today HCBM

[ShatteredLady]

i feel a million times better today. I guess this up and down will be my new normal for a while. My problem is I can't stop thinking about exMM. I've been replaying parts of the A over and over again in my head. I keep wondering how he's doing. Wondering if he's wondering how I'm doing. Feeling disgusted about the A and what we did but missing him at the same time. Wondering if he's thinking about me at all. It feels so obsessive! I even had a dream abut him last night. Again. I keep trying to push the thoughts out but they keep coming back. I'm trying to stay distracted but those thoughts are still there lurking in the back ground.

 

How do you stop the obsessive thoughts?

 

 

(((((Lilly))))

 

You've been through so very much. I often wish this site would have a HUG button to press, LIKE feels so wrong when there's so much pain.

 

I'm one who obsesses, even have the nightmares. Time is the only solution I've found. I'm sorry. I wish I knew of some magic potion. Maybe we just need to live it to grow & change into our future selves.

[Grapesofwrath]

 

Thinking back, I also understand why he means so much more to me than I did to him. Even though the A was hard at times, he brought me up and somehow managed to give me a level of confidence and happiness I hadn't felt in I don't know how long. Being married to someone that was putting me down and making me feel less than for so long and all of a sudden feeling like I wasn't less than and like I did matter brought something out in me I hadn't felt since before I started dating my husband. It let me experience a level of happiness that I know I want in a future relationship and showed me that it was in fact possible to feel like that. It gave me the confidence to leave my abusive marriage so that one day I can have that same feeling with someone who can give all of them, not just crumbs. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense. I feel like my mind is all over the place right now.

 

Lilly: This is an important insight. It helps sometimes to see it as dipping your toe into the pool of love and intimacy. After all that you've been through, it makes sense that you would be reluctant to open yourself fully to a relationship again. By choosing a limited arrangement like the one with xMM, you found a way to experience some form of intimacy without taking big risks. Good to recognize this about yourself and just know it, so you can figure out how to be ready for real love when the time is right.

[Lillyp32]

Lilly: This is an important insight. It helps sometimes to see it as dipping your toe into the pool of love and intimacy. After all that you've been through, it makes sense that you would be reluctant to open yourself fully to a relationship again. By choosing a limited arrangement like the one with xMM, you found a way to experience some form of intimacy without taking big risks. Good to recognize this about yourself and just know it, so you can figure out how to be ready for real love when the time is right.

 

Wow! The bolded really spoke to me. Ive never thought of it this way but boy is it true. There were so many times that exMM eluded to us being together for real. It was something that I couldn't "see". I remember telling him once that when I imagined what happiness looked like for me in the future, neither my husband or him were in the picture I imagined even though I truly loved exMM. I really was just "dipping my toe in the pool of love and intimacy".

 

(((((Lilly))))

 

You've been through so very much. I often wish this site would have a HUG button to press, LIKE feels so wrong when there's so much pain.

 

I'm one who obsesses, even have the nightmares. Time is the only solution I've found. I'm sorry. I wish I knew of some magic potion. Maybe we just need to live it to grow & change into our future selves.

 

Ah. There's that word again. Time. I didn't like hearing that after my husbands affairs and I certainly don't like it now lol. I know it's true, I'd just like to feel normal again, like now

 

Hey lady. I broke it off with my MM a couple times but it was pretty damn hard to stop the thoughts etc, because we work together, and the break was always very very brief :/ So I can't speak from experience. But the collective advice and wisdom seems to be, like quitting heroin or something, you just have to go cold turkey and suffer through the withdrawals and just simply wait until it becomes less painful. Time heals all things, you know. Time does keep marching forward, thank god.

 

I'm so glad that you were able to leave your abusive marriage. Are you in counseling? Focus on healing, and spend time with friends and family, and dive into your hobbies, and just wait until you don't think about your MM as much. Xox.

 

I am going to start IC soon. I'm currently waiting for a call back. I do miss exMM daily. I can't wait for the day that he's a distant memory. Patience is what I need.

 

Funny, I had this same conversation with my therapist yesterday. What I gathered was to have these thoughts is normal. She recommended not trying to push them away but to let them come just dont go down any rabbit holes with them. If they come simply hear them - they can't hurt you they are just thoughts/memories. Eventually as you keep progressing and moving forward they will start to quiet down. But it may take time so know this and know you will not feed the memories simply allow them to be.

 

Sometimes it feels like these thoughts/memories are so loud in my head it is almost painful so trust me - I get it. Remember it is part of the process of letting go. This is the point in any addiction where people go back because the thoughts become almost too unbearable to handle and you worry they may never go away so may as well go back to the source and quiet them down a little bit (IE call MM or text).. You control your actions - not your memories.

 

Thank you! This helps so much to know it's normal to feel this way. I will not go back. Never ever. I've got 2 good reasons for that; 1) he told me not to contact him. I will honor that request. You don't have to tell me more than once that you don't want me lol 2) I have no interest in being in that situation again. I know I deserve better and I have zero interest in interfering in their M. I've caused enough damage, it's time for them see if they can heal. I'm not interested in screwing that up.