DDAY happened

[ladydesigner]

I contacted lawyer today and am finally one million percent sure that the divorce is what I need. I'm waiting for a call back and am going to schedule app to get the divorce filed! AND I don't even feel guilty for it, Just relieved and happy to finally get my life back and move one

 

There have been a few events that occurred over the past couple of days that showed my husbands changed man act was just that, an act. It's really helped me to see things clearly. The biggest thing being that he is still physiologically abusive to my teenager when I'm not around. He's also involved my younger child in our grown up problems by crying to her and saying things like, "I wish mommy loved me" and "I wish you guys would move back in but mommy won't do it", How do you say things like that to a 9 year old? That's beyond wrong to put problems like that on a child. He also gave his phone number to a female neighbor and told her all of our problems and doesn't see a thing wrong with it since he was just being "nice". All the while he's been BEGGING me to give him another chance and going on and on about how much he's changed. Cry me a river. I'm done and couldn't feel happier about it.

 

Anyways, just wanted to update all of you who have posted on my thread! Your support and words of encouragement have been beyond helpful! Here's to moving on and healing

 

Lilly I am so happy for you! I will be seeing a lawyer in the coming week as well. Best of luck to you!

[Lillyp32]

Lilly I am so happy for you! I will be seeing a lawyer in the coming week as well. Best of luck to you!

 

I'm happy for you too Lady! I'm feeling free

[Lillyp32]

It feels like I've gone backwards in my healing today. I've had so many good days lately that I hadn't expected to feel this way again. I've been NC for 2.5 months. I still think about him all the time but thinking about him hasn't been painful until today. I woke up this morning and noticed the date. We had been in the affair for a little over 1.5 years at that point. We had a really great night together and in the end, he told me he loved me for the first time. Memories of that night have been running through my head all morning. I wonder if he remembers. If he's doing the same. I'm back to asking myself questions I'll never have the answers to. It hurts again. Almost as bad as it hurt when everything first ended

 

I've never been a person that's good at remembering dates of events. He was though. He seemed to remember every date of our firsts and of things that were special to him. Throuout the affair he'd share those dates with me and now I'm dreading every single one of them. I don't want to feel like this every time one of those dates come along. I thought I was doing really well in moving on. Now I just hurt all over again.

Edited December 11, 2016 by Lillyp32

[Satu]

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

Recovery isn't a linear process.

 

There are times when you feel that you're making progress, and times when you feel like you've never made any.

 

Sometimes you feel like you've gone backwards, but you haven't.

 

What you're experiencing today is called 'Recycling.'

 

Its when you re-experience the original pain, to heal a deeper layer.

 

This can happen several times in your recovery.

 

Think of it as a very big discharge of painful emotion that has to be felt and released.

 

There is a purpose to it.

 

 

Take care.

[jenkins95]

From satu:

 

Recovery isn't a linear process.

 

100% true.

 

Well over a year since the end of my A and today was a horror story - an absolute shocker. I've been off to the bathroom to privately cry so many times and it would be easy to believe that I've made no progress at all.

 

And yet most of last week I felt good - almost normal, almost recovered.

 

For me, it is often Sundays when I have a bad day.

 

It's a long hard path with ups and downs but you do eventually realise that the good days start to outnumber the bad days.

 

Good luck everyone!

[Cymbeline]

From satu:

 

Recovery isn't a linear process.

 

100% true.

 

Well over a year since the end of my A and today was a horror story - an absolute shocker. I've been off to the bathroom to privately cry so many times and it would be easy to believe that I've made no progress at all.

 

And yet most of last week I felt good - almost normal, almost recovered.

 

For me, it is often Sundays when I have a bad day.

 

It's a long hard path with ups and downs but you do eventually realise that the good days start to outnumber the bad days.

 

Good luck everyone!

 

Are you willing/able to explain what he feeling were that made you so sad today?

[jenkins95]

Are you willing/able to explain what he feeling were that made you so sad today?

 

Hi (((cymbelline))), it's been a while. How are you?

 

Sundays are often difficult for me because I live in a small close-knit, quite religious community, where Sundays are normally considered as sacred, sombre days and silent reflection is encouraged. As anyone who has been involved in an affair will know, 'silent reflection' can be a very scarey place.

 

I don't think there was any thing particular today, I was just feeling generally low. One thing that triggered me was seeing my wife tirelessly struggling to look after and entertain our kids, one of whom has special needs. She does this constantly and without complaint and I realised that this is exactly what she would have been doing while I was having my selfish little mid life crisis.

 

In short it made me feel like a pos who doesn't deserve this wonderful family. It made me realise that I am not the good person I always thought i was. How disappointed my mother would be - she was abandoned by her own cheater father and badly damaged emotionally.

 

If its already not too late for anyone reading this....PLEASE NEVER CHEAT. It will hurt you and others with more depth and in more ways than you could ever imagine - and you'll NEVER fully shake it off. It's just not worth it.

 

Having said that, it's the future that's important now and I (and anyone else who's been lucky enough to have been given another chance) have a lot of making up to do.

Edited December 11, 2016 by jenkins95

[Cymbeline]

Hi (((cymbelline))), it's been a while. How are you?

 

Sundays are often difficult for me because I live in a small close-knit, quite religious community, where Sundays are normally considered as sacred, sombre days and silent reflection is encouraged. As anyone who has been involved in an affair will know, 'silent reflection' can be a very scarey place.

 

I don't think there was any thing particular today, I was just feeling generally low. One thing that triggered me was seeing my wife tirelessly struggling to look after and entertain our kids, one of whom has special needs. She does this constantly and without complaint and I realised that this is exactly what she would have been doing while I was having my selfish little mid life crisis.

 

In short it made me feel like a pos who doesn't deserve this wonderful family. It made me realise that I am not the good person I always thought i was. How disappointed my mother would be - she was abandoned her own cheater father.

 

If its already not too late for anyone reading this....PLEASE NEVER CHEAT. It will hurt you and others with more depth and in more ways than you could ever imagine - and you'll NEVER fully shake it off. It's just not worth it.

 

Having said that, it's the future that's important now and I (and anyone else who's been lucky enough to have been given another chance) have a lot of making up to do.

 

Sorry to hear you are sad, but it seems to me to be remorseful sadness rather than regretting your current life. I hope so but understand that facing ourselves can be difficult.

 

I hope you find peace at Christmas and lose yourself in your little family. I am sure you don't need telling that your mother would forgive you. Eventually this will be a piece of darning in the fabric of your marriage.

Coffin cynnes. :-)

[solonely9]

Hi, Lilly.

I am feeling low today as well. It has been close to ten months of NC on his side and almost three for me, as I did try to reach out to him on a few occasions. In my case, I am the one who remembers all the "anniversaries," can't help it, I have always had a great memory for dates, so, yes, it has been very tough to go through these days. It was also my birthday not long ago and, although I knew he wouldn't call, I had this tiny little hope to hear from him. Well, I did not. However, I do have my good days as well, much more than in the beginning, so yes, I completely agree that it is a process. Also, I tend to sabotage my own healing by looking at his social media and imagining things - how he has moved on completely, how happy he is, or that he has started another A, but I cannot not do that. I just have to know. However, if you are capable of staying as far as possible from his life, that is the best thing to do.

Hope that you will be feeling better tomorrow. Hugs!

[HeCantBreakMe]

I think we all have our bad days where we miss the other person. I don't think that is a terrible thing. It does hurt and it sucks- I get this and when the feelings come there usually aren't words to describe the pain or anything someone else can say to ease it.. the only thing you can do is walk through those emotions. You will come out on the other side as long as you keep walking.

 

Memories can be a good thing if you let them be just don't let them control you.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hi (((cymbelline))), it's been a while. How are you?

 

Sundays are often difficult for me because I live in a small close-knit, quite religious community, where Sundays are normally considered as sacred, sombre days and silent reflection is encouraged. As anyone who has been involved in an affair will know, 'silent reflection' can be a very scarey place.

 

I don't think there was any thing particular today, I was just feeling generally low. One thing that triggered me was seeing my wife tirelessly struggling to look after and entertain our kids, one of whom has special needs. She does this constantly and without complaint and I realised that this is exactly what she would have been doing while I was having my selfish little mid life crisis.

 

In short it made me feel like a pos who doesn't deserve this wonderful family. It made me realise that I am not the good person I always thought i was. How disappointed my mother would be - she was abandoned by her own cheater father and badly damaged emotionally.

 

If its already not too late for anyone reading this....PLEASE NEVER CHEAT. It will hurt you and others with more depth and in more ways than you could ever imagine - and you'll NEVER fully shake it off. It's just not worth it.

 

Having said that, it's the future that's important now and I (and anyone else who's been lucky enough to have been given another chance) have a lot of making up to do.

 

You aren't a POS Jenkins. Your actions were wrong but you don't have to be that person.

 

Those of us WW/WH - we have a whole different level of pain to walk through. The pain of letting go and the pain we caused our spouses. Remorse is a step in this process.

 

A bad day today just means you will have a good day tomorrow. Embrace it and enjoy every second you have with your family.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi (((cymbelline))), it's been a while. How are you?

 

Sundays are often difficult for me because I live in a small close-knit, quite religious community, where Sundays are normally considered as sacred, sombre days and silent reflection is encouraged. As anyone who has been involved in an affair will know, 'silent reflection' can be a very scarey place.

 

I don't think there was any thing particular today, I was just feeling generally low. One thing that triggered me was seeing my wife tirelessly struggling to look after and entertain our kids, one of whom has special needs. She does this constantly and without complaint and I realised that this is exactly what she would have been doing while I was having my selfish little mid life crisis.

 

In short it made me feel like a pos who doesn't deserve this wonderful family. It made me realise that I am not the good person I always thought i was. How disappointed my mother would be - she was abandoned by her own cheater father and badly damaged emotionally.

 

If its already not too late for anyone reading this....PLEASE NEVER CHEAT. It will hurt you and others with more depth and in more ways than you could ever imagine - and you'll NEVER fully shake it off. It's just not worth it.

 

Having said that, it's the future that's important now and I (and anyone else who's been lucky enough to have been given another chance) have a lot of making up to do.

 

I know what you mean. Once the buzz of the "love" you felt for this other person fades away, you are left with the wreckage of your own life - and you were steering the ship. I don't think anyone here can relate to that feeling - the feeling that you basically trashed your entire life - until it's a year out since the affair ended.

 

The first year you are basically sad all the time over the loss of the person. As that year closes, you realize it was never really about your love for the other person or your problems with your spouse, it was actually all about you. And so you are back where you started, alone with yourself. And you start to see parallels in other areas of your life and you realize, you don't even know who you are or why you do the things you do.

 

I agree, you don't shake it off. It's no longer ever present in my marriage like it once was, actually it's more me now than my H who dwells. And it's hard to move on because it's in your own mind. How do you move on from your own mind?

 

You just need to forgive yourself Jenkins. We all did these terrible things. You are hardly alone. At least you came clean and your wife knows. Obviously she loves you or she would be gone. You do no good to anyone beating yourself up, and I know as I tell my H all the time how I should just be dead, it would be easier.

 

But we are not dead, so we need to go on and move forward.

[DKT3]

I think we all have our bad days where we miss the other person. I don't think that is a terrible thing. It does hurt and it sucks- I get this and when the feelings come there usually aren't words to describe the pain or anything someone else can say to ease it.. the only thing you can do is walk through those emotions. You will come out on the other side as long as you keep walking.

 

Memories can be a good thing if you let them be just don't let them control you.

 

I wouldn't wish the pain of being betrayed in this manner on anyone, However I would love for every WS to send the day in the mind of thier BS. This betrayal file away your soul, crushes you entire history, causes to to question everything including your children, the pain alone of doubting your children is horrible....then I read stuff like this...good memories of something so destructive...I don't get it

[aileD]

I wouldn't wish the pain of being betrayed in this manner on anyone, However I would love for every WS to send the day in the mind of thier BS. This betrayal file away your soul, crushes you entire history, causes to to question everything including your children, the pain alone of doubting your children is horrible....then I read stuff like this...good memories of something so destructive...I don't get it

 

I agree mostly with this although I understand that the OWs go through their own heartache too. It's hard to judge people's pain, it's so personal. But I kind of feel like OWs knew what they were signing up for. They knew he was married. Yes there were promises and lies about home lives...but they still knew he was married and chose to take part in this.

 

The BS doesn't get a chance to make a choice to take part in or not take part in until her world is already destroyed and I just think that's a pain that OW who have never been married have trouble understanding. I think his is where this forum helps us all. I have learned a lot about how the OW hurts just from this forum.

[DKT3]

I agree mostly with this although I understand that the OWs go through their own heartache too. It's hard to judge people's pain, it's so personal. But I kind of feel like OWs knew what they were signing up for. They knew he was married. Yes there were promises and lies about home lives...but they still knew he was married and chose to take part in this.

 

The BS doesn't get a chance to make a choice to take part in or not take part in until her world is already destroyed and I just think that's a pain that OW who have never been married have trouble understanding. I think his is where this forum helps us all. I have learned a lot about how the OW hurts just from this forum.

 

I'm not comparing pain, I talking about recalling fondly something that was like a wrecking ball that you aimed directly at your family.

[Chica80]

I'm not comparing pain, I talking about recalling fondly something that was like a wrecking ball that you aimed directly at your family.

 

Because despite the pain it caused which you understand as the WS. It's not so much recalling fondly, as it is missing something/someone you cared for.

Some people do/did care about their AP. The feelings were genuine. I know you don't like to hear that. But they were. (Not always but it does happen)

[HeCantBreakMe]

I wouldn't wish the pain of being betrayed in this manner on anyone, However I would love for every WS to send the day in the mind of thier BS. This betrayal file away your soul, crushes you entire history, causes to to question everything including your children, the pain alone of doubting your children is horrible....then I read stuff like this...good memories of something so destructive...I don't get it

 

I would give a lot to be able to spend a day in the mind of my husband. I understand that I still have a long way to go when it comes to remorse and the feelings that come along with it. For me there are some good memories with my xMM - mostly bad, but some good- it is just the way of it. And to be honest it is those good memories that have taught me what I enjoy about a relationship and to bring that to life in my marriage.

 

It isn't about any of that though- I am not sitting around wishing I was with him or living in the good memories I had with him. I am tearing it apart bit by bit to understand and become better.

[Lillyp32]

For me the pain is two fold. It's a mix between missing him and a feeling of self loathing for the pain I caused his wife and my STBXH. I know that pain and it's soul crushing. My ex was nice enough to bestow that pain on me 7 times throughout our relationship. Knowing what if feels like and causing others to feel it is the hardest part of this whole mess for me. I almost feel disgusted with myself when I do miss exMM. I'm working on that in therapy. It's become clear that self love/compassion is not something I have. I honestly can't remember if it's something I've ever had or if being in an emotionally abusive relationship for 15 years stripped that away from me. Either way, I'm working on the self love/compassion thing. My therapist suggested I practice positive self talk. Almost like talking to myself as I would to a friend in the same situation. It hasn't been easy but I'm getting better at it day by day.

[Chica80]

I would give a lot to be able to spend a day in the mind of my husband. I understand that I still have a long way to go when it comes to remorse and the feelings that come along with it. For me there are some good memories with my xMM - mostly bad, but some good- it is just the way of it. And to be honest it is those good memories that have taught me what I enjoy about a relationship and to bring that to life in my marriage.

 

It isn't about any of that though- I am not sitting around wishing I was with him or living in the good memories I had with him. I am tearing it apart bit by bit to understand and become better.

 

Yes....you explained it better.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Because despite the pain it caused which you understand as the WS. It's not so much recalling fondly, as it is missing something/someone you cared for.

Some people do/did care about their AP. The feelings were genuine. I know you don't like to hear that. But they were. (Not always but it does happen)

 

Yes, this. Rarely does anyone long for the days when they were in the affair, at least I don't. You just miss the person, it tends to be someone you knew for a while and now you are strangers. And at least for the women, the love was real.

 

As for being on the other side, it does make me feel bad that my husband said he loved another woman, but I am not really mad at him. I played a part in that. If you don't pay attention to your spouse, someone else will. It makes me sad. And now every time he is distracted or not as attentive, I think, he's met someone else. It's exhausting and not what I ever thought marriage would end up being like. It makes me want to pull back emotionally but I know at the same time, that is the worst thing to do, I should try harder. But it's hard to put yourself back out there.

[Jemima1234]

Because despite the pain it caused which you understand as the WS. It's not so much recalling fondly, as it is missing something/someone you cared for.

Some people do/did care about their AP. The feelings were genuine. I know you don't like to hear that. But they were. (Not always but it does happen)

 

Yes completely this. Hate what I have done but can't bear thought of not having him in my life! Painful. My fault tho!