The wolf in sheep clothing version 2

[elaine567]

Would this power issue explain his erratic behavior now as well? I can't believe I spent so long with someone who was internally resenting me and didn't say a word until this fiasco

 

Perhaps.

He is a 40 year old man, he probably didn't take too kindly to being pulled into shape, no matter how well meaning or "right" you were for doing it..

[jen1447]

Wow, I'm living in a sh*t show - 2 days <3 h sleep.

He's acting absolutely psychotic, and detached, and scarily trying to justify his actions!! We're supposed to talk hopefully constructively tonight and then will spend the weekend separately.

The lease is a sh*t show as well - we're jointly and severally liable, so if I leave and he doesn't pay the whole thing, I'll still be liable. I'll need to break it with the landlord before making moves or he can turn this into a nightmare. I can't afford having derogatory remark on my credit right before buying a house (what I am planning to do in the spring).

 

Is that from the attorney _Go?

[No_Go]

Yes - regarding the lease - both our names are on and the only agreement how to split between two of us was verbal (all checks so far were coming from his account and I was reimbursing him my part directly via wire transfer )

 

Is that from the attorney _Go?

[jen1447]

Yes - regarding the lease - both our names are on and the only agreement how to split between two of us was verbal (all checks so far were coming from his account and I was reimbursing him my part directly via wire transfer )

 

Ok. What's the plan for breaking your end of the lease w the landlord?

 

(Also what's the situ there specifically - apartment, condo etc.? Duration of lease and terms?)

[katiegrl]

Wow, I'm living in a sh*t show - 2 days <3 h sleep.

He's acting absolutely psychotic, and detached, and scarily trying to justify his actions!! We're supposed to talk hopefully constructively tonight and then will spend the weekend separately.

The lease is a sh*t show as well - we're jointly and severally liable, so if I leave and he doesn't pay the whole thing, I'll still be liable. I'll need to break it with the landlord before making moves or he can turn this into a nightmare. I can't afford having derogatory remark on my credit right before buying a house (what I am planning to do in the spring).

 

Wow what a nightmare, I am so sorry!

 

Not much more to add except take care of yourself.

 

Try and get sleep (relaxing tea with chamomile helps) and be sure to eat healthy.

 

I received that advice when going through hell with my ex before and after breakup.

 

So paying it forward to you.

 

It's important.

 

Hugs

[No_Go]

Ok. What's the plan for breaking your end of the lease w the landlord?

 

(Also what's the situ there specifically - apartment, condo etc.? Duration of lease and terms?)

 

I'm holding off till Monday. We are going to have a talk tonight which at very least will get an idea of where we both stand, and then after the weekend proceed accordingly. Yesterday's 'discussions' were borderline crazy - no way to move this to landlord level before cooling off a bit...

[No_Go]

I'll be talking to him in a couple of hours. Is there a point to discss anything beyond logistics? I want to hear what he has to say and in the same time I am so afraid that I'll get indecisive and won't think rationally if we discuss anything relationship-y... I'm not sure what exactly to say tonight, and that's pretty much the last time to talk before Monday which should be the day of actions, whatever they are...

[jen1447]

I'm not sure I'd talk to him at all hon. Is there any need for actual cooperation at this point? I think what you mainly need to do is sever the ties and start making arrangements to pull out - don't see where his input comes in there.

[No_Go]

I was thinking:

1) to debrief what happened (ok, I'll feel super bummed if he said he stayed around just to get benefits from me and was sweet talking to keep getting these; but better hear this than leave with a nagging feeling I'm leaving something that has had a chance)

2) to decide on mutually beneficial course of action (who stays where, what to do with things we bought together etc); what to say to mutual friends that we'll keep seeing etc

 

I'm not sure I'd talk to him at all hon. Is there any need for actual cooperation at this point? I think what you mainly need to do is sever the ties and start making arrangements to pull out - don't see where his input comes in there.

[jen1447]

I was thinking:

1) to debrief what happened (ok, I'll feel super bummed if he said he stayed around just to get benefits from me and was sweet talking to keep getting these; but better hear this than leave with a nagging feeling I'm leaving something that has had a chance)

2) to decide on mutually beneficial course of action (who stays where, what to do with things we bought together etc); what to say to mutual friends that we'll keep seeing etc

 

My opinion -

 

1) can happen later, in fact it's better if it happens later bc it's too raw right now to have any perspective.

 

2) you don't need to concern yourself w what's beneficial for him, only what's beneficial for you. I think you can do that effectively w a sound plan in place for your next couple weeks - disengage w landlord (however that's gonna happen), make arrangements to stay w someone else, make arrangements to grab your stuff or w/e you're laying claim to. (All this should be backed up w legal counsel.)

 

If he's being crazy right now I don't like the idea of you going into meetings w him alone, and I doubt anything he says will be reliable anyway.

 

It sucks but if you're going down Legal Road w any animosity involved at all, the best strategy is to be a dick.

[No_Go]

You're right, it was too raw, too sore, I started crying like an idiot, we talked a bit, he left.

Legally we won't fight, he said he's up to anything that I suggest.

Just feel so empty in this house the was home till yesterday

 

My opinion -

 

1) can happen later, in fact it's better if it happens later bc it's too raw right now to have any perspective.

 

2) you don't need to concern yourself w what's beneficial for him, only what's beneficial for you. I think you can do that effectively w a sound plan in place for your next couple weeks - disengage w landlord (however that's gonna happen), make arrangements to stay w someone else, make arrangements to grab your stuff or w/e you're laying claim to. (All this should be backed up w legal counsel.)

 

If he's being crazy right now I don't like the idea of you going into meetings w him alone, and I doubt anything he says will be reliable anyway.

 

It sucks but if you're going down Legal Road w any animosity involved at all, the best strategy is to be a dick.

[losangelena]

Would this power issue explain his erratic behavior now as well? I can't believe I spent so long with someone who was internally resenting me and didn't say a word until this fiasco

 

Oh, NG, I'm so sorry! What an awful feeling. It's like, "why didn't you SAY something sooner?!"

 

However, think about having to spend the rest of your life with someone like that, and maybe breaking up really is the best thing.

 

Still, sorry

[jen1447]

You're right, it was too raw, too sore, I started crying like an idiot, we talked a bit, he left.

Legally we won't fight, he said he's up to anything that I suggest.

Just feel so empty in this house the was home till yesterday

 

That's the kinda crying that's best done on your girlfriends' shoulders. Do you have anybody close? Now's not a good alone time. (Hugs)

[Space Ritual]

Would this power issue explain his erratic behavior now as well? I can't believe I spent so long with someone who was internally resenting me and didn't say a word until this fiasco

 

Yes.

 

He has been waiting for the right moment to pull the drain plug and you put the Kibosh on his script. So while he may seem agreeable about logistics now, he is probably doing a Bismarck, which is a very scary thought.

 

Where that comes from is that towards the end of his life, Otto Von Bismarck was interviewed by the London Daily Telegraph and asked a question about how he was able to handle running Germany in his mid 80's. His answer was "I spend all night hating". He explained that whenever he felt he was losing his grip on power that he would lay in his bed at night and think about all the ways people he trusted had disappointed him and how he could get some modicum of revenge. According to him, it was the only way he could sleep at night.

 

In fairly short order his power in your relationship was evaporating and rather than attempt to communicate with you he decided it was a lost cause without you even knowing. The Dating Site thing vindicated his resentment in his mind, because of his fragile ego.

 

It could have been anything, but you busting him on that shattered what little power he thought he still had. Because you rained on his parade. He wanted to end the relationship on his terms, and you busting him shot that all to hell.

 

Move fast ,young lady...move fast.

[No_Go]

Scary, very scary post but turned to be about right.

 

I finally passed out yesterday after 48 h of barely any sleep. He left the house before that but I heard the door opening so I knew he came back.

 

I woke up on a breakfast waiting for me, lunch pack prepared, my cat fed, ...all that coupled with a few very bitter notes that he felt I used his weaknesses against him and never showed vulnerability. So I think the losing power & resentment was building up from quite a while, in pretty much what you described in a Bismarck-ian way. Still he's trying to be caring though? It is scary that this resentment/caring dichotomy was the theme in the past few months and I left it unnoticed.

 

Yes.

 

He has been waiting for the right moment to pull the drain plug and you put the Kibosh on his script. So while he may seem agreeable about logistics now, he is probably doing a Bismarck, which is a very scary thought.

 

Where that comes from is that towards the end of his life, Otto Von Bismarck was interviewed by the London Daily Telegraph and asked a question about how he was able to handle running Germany in his mid 80's. His answer was "I spend all night hating". He explained that whenever he felt he was losing his grip on power that he would lay in his bed at night and think about all the ways people he trusted had disappointed him and how he could get some modicum of revenge. According to him, it was the only way he could sleep at night.

 

In fairly short order his power in your relationship was evaporating and rather than attempt to communicate with you he decided it was a lost cause without you even knowing. The Dating Site thing vindicated his resentment in his mind, because of his fragile ego.

 

It could have been anything, but you busting him on that shattered what little power he thought he still had. Because you rained on his parade. He wanted to end the relationship on his terms, and you busting him shot that all to hell.

 

Move fast ,young lady...move fast.

[jen1447]

Eh, that's just a (rather blatant and cynical) manipulation tactic - "see how awesome I can be??" - while shame-blaming you in the process. Anyone can put on an after-the-fact show ....pretty meaningless except it shows he doesn't think highly enough of you to think you'd see the obvious ploy and he has little enough respect for you to try it.

 

_Go, I know this sucks right now but you are gonna be SO GLAD you ditched this guy in a couple months.

[No_Go]

Eh if he's really doing the shaming stuff, shame on him. But wtf he's trying to get if so?? Getting back together with someone he hated throughout?

 

Eh, that's just a (rather blatant and cynical) manipulation tactic - "see how awesome I can be??" - while shame-blaming you in the process. Anyone can put on an after-the-fact show ....pretty meaningless except it shows he doesn't think highly enough of you to think you'd see the obvious ploy and he has little enough respect for you to try it.

 

_Go, I know this sucks right now but you are gonna be SO GLAD you ditched this guy in a couple months.

[jen1447]

Eh if he's really doing the shaming stuff, shame on him. But wtf he's trying to get if so?? Getting back together with someone he hated throughout?

 

He's trying to get you to feel bad. If you do, then he can feel smugly self-righteous about himself.

[venusishername]

Did you move out yet?

[No_Go]

Woah, I just has went through ROCKY 2 weeks. Pls no judgement - we're still technically in the same house although I may see my exit this Saturday...

 

You know guys what the most shocking part was? He flipped it ON ME! He has accumulated so much resentment over time - we discussed it, cried, repeated te cycle the whole last week. I can't believe this went unnoticed. The dating site was only the tip of the iceberg - the foundations were broken.

 

Last Friday we were on the verge to reconcile. Then I asked to spend a few days away ... And he got stone cold and said it is over, irreversible. The next days was SO weird that I don't even know what happened - we'll cook, have sex, he'd confirm it is over just right after all that?!? Until I say it is over and then he'd get affectionate?!

 

I have no idea what I went through but it escalated to insanity and I got uber snappy today... I wrote him a very long letter with all my thoughts what went wrong... I hope now I can move on but this underlying resentment and power imbalance that went unnoticed is just killing me...

 

Besides the rant - I'm writing it as a lesson learned - when things feel wrong, they are WAY more rotten inside than what you even imagine. Gut feeling should NOT be underestimated.

[jen1447]

Are you still 'negotiating' or did you cut the ties?

 

Con men get by by keeping you off balance, so you should expect lots of confusing and contradictory behaviors from them. It keeps you wondering and backtracking while meanwhile they're busy picking your pocket or working on their next maneuver w/out you watching bc you're distracted. It's just a tactic, nothing more.

[No_Go]

Are you still 'negotiating' or did you cut the ties? - neither right now, just 'floating'

 

Nah, I don't believe he's a conman... He's just so bad socially that I can't believe he can do it (Asperger's etc). But I guess learning one tactic is not off the charts even in that case And he'll get nothing out of it except the f*cking place...

 

Are you still 'negotiating' or did you cut the ties?

 

Con men get by by keeping you off balance, so you should expect lots of confusing and contradictory behaviors from them. It keeps you wondering and backtracking while meanwhile they're busy picking your pocket or working on their next maneuver w/out you watching bc you're distracted. It's just a tactic, nothing more.

[jen1447]

Are you still 'negotiating' or did you cut the ties? - neither right now, just 'floating'

 

Nah, I don't believe he's a conman... He's just so bad socially that I can't believe he can do it (Asperger's etc). But I guess learning one tactic is not off the charts even in that case And he'll get nothing out of it except the f*cking place...

 

I thought we'd already pretty much determined he was a con man ....?

[eightytwenty]

Are you still 'negotiating' or did you cut the ties? - neither right now, just 'floating'

 

Nah, I don't believe he's a conman... He's just so bad socially that I can't believe he can do it (Asperger's etc). But I guess learning one tactic is not off the charts even in that case And he'll get nothing out of it except the f*cking place...

 

 

 

If I told you, it'll be ok and you'll get through it, will it help? Because you will!Stay strong and life is too short to be unhappy with the wrong person!

[No_Go]

I thought we'd already pretty much determined he was a con man ....?

 

I PM-ed you, I'm not sure for this one (the last guy that I dated before him - definitely, this one is kind of weird and socially awkward but I don't think he's a typical conman).