Why?

[NopeNah]

Some of us ( and that includes me ) have made the mistake of assuming things about a person, rather than actually doing the groundwork to find out who they really are.

 

So we fall in love with a hologram that we have created, rather than a real person.

 

As time goes by we begin to realise that we haven't got what we thought we had and we either get disillusioned and depressed or try to change that person.

Neither is a good response.

 

Some of us also don't want to admit that we made an error of judgment, so we stay in unhealthy relationships past their sell-by date, to try and prove something to ourselves and other people.

 

What we are mourning is the loss of our hopes & dreams and not a real individual.

 

So many times we hear they cry "how could he/she do this to me ?" The answer is that they did it because that's who they were, and we just didn't see it.

 

The answer is ( IMO ) to take things slowly and work from the principle of

 

"When someone shows you who they are - believe them "

 

Didn't read this before my reply...good post!

[Arieswoman]

PrayingforDaylight #12

 

some people don't want to or can't be fixed. IMO..

 

^^^^ right on

 

Some of us are guilty in falling for a person's perceived potential not who they actually are.....another lesson to learn.......

[SixxChick]

"When someone shows you who they are - believe them "

 

Wisdom. Right there!

[SixxChick]

PrayingforDaylight #12

 

 

 

^^^^ right on

 

Some of us are guilty in falling for a person's perceived potential not who they actually are.....another lesson to learn.......

 

I always knew couldn't, and never sought out to, "fix" someone. It was all based on a false identification. So, yeah. Perception vs. reality. Too bad it takes getting your heart broken, and your character jaded, to figure it out.

 

Good thoughts here. Thank you.

[PrettyEmily77]

With my recent break up, it has left me wondering the same. Lots of red flags that were really obvious in the beginning, but I ignored because of the love bombing that was happening in the bonding stage of the relationship. After 2 weeks of knowing eachother, "I love you" should have been enough for me to kick it to the curb. But the intense reel in I had made it feel unlike anything.

 

I think for me personally, I have always been in unstable relationships, even my marriage was a disaster. Past physical violence and emotional violence, not particular to just my marriage but in almost all my relationships. I have also been deeply reflecting and have noticed my own pattern of mistakes and behaviors that need to change. Overall, I'm successful and confident. Too empathetic, which makes me an easy target. I need to strengthen my boundaries.

 

From someone who's come out the other side a much stronger person, I can tell you being empathetic is a good thing - never lose it. Genuinely empathetic people are so rare, and I'd rather have gone through whatever I have gone through and still not lose that part of myself rather than let him have that side of me too by caring less about the people around or giving them less of my time.

 

Your boundaries are likely fine - it's your self esteem you need to work on. I don't know your story but what most toxic relationships have in common is being lied to or them gaslighting you. It's not always easy to spot that in someone, but what helps is to open up to trusted friends or family who know you both if your instincts are calling but you can't quite trust yourself.

[SixxChick]

Sometimes, by the time you figure out that you are being lied to and deceived, you are already emotionally invested and have to dissect yourself from the resultant trauma. I don't consider that a self-esteem issue.

[OneLov]

I think this an interesting discussion.

 

But in order for me to chime in do we have a simple, agreeable definition of a toxic relationship? In the simplest terms, is it a union of two (or more) people whereby, at least one person, is receiving less than they are giving?

 

Basically, a contractive relationship?

[carhill]

Why We Mourn Toxic Relationships

There's a bit of the toxin left in us that hasn't been flushed out, so it pains us.

 

IME, a hallmark of a toxic relationship is unfinished business. There's always something else. It nags at us. Tugs at our mind and psyche.

[johan]

Relationships in which we've been abused negate us. Allowing them to end leaves the hole in our ego gaping and nothing can fill it except to recover that relationship and make it succeed. Someone who has abused you has a piece of you that you can only get back from that person.

[TexasGuy12]

Because we were in love with someone/something who/that just wasn't there.

 

Discuss ...

 

So I was in a very toxic relationship. My ex had a personality disorder. On her best days, she was the most amazing girl, no...human, that I had ever met. On others, she just wasn't there and she was like someone who I didn't know. During the relationship, I just thought perhaps it was me that was causing her to act like that. Afterwards, I look back and I know that she had problems that I wish I would have saw. But love is blinding.

 

Why do we mourn them? Because we still love that person, we love the way that person made us feel, we love being depended on to take care of them and love them. We love being someone's "everything." We love being the most important person in someones life. So when we lose that, and not by our choice, it's a gut punch. And love is so romanticized in today's culture that we're addicted to it and we're taught that every relationship should be a fairy tale love story.

[juniorrocha]

Sometimes, by the time you figure out that you are being lied to and deceived, you are already emotionally invested and have to dissect yourself from the resultant trauma. I don't consider that a self-esteem issue.

 

I suppose it would be a self-esteem issue if you continued in the relationship even after finding out everything wrong about it.

 

Which is what happened with me. My ex lied to me during our first year many times. Cheated, often hid important things, and sometimes just wasn't there when I needed her the most. It was my first relationship, I accepted it, forgave her. A full year forgiving every single **** she did. I thought it was going to be okay, and we'd work through it, because like you said OP:

 

I took you in no matter what your chaos brought ...

Because there was something in you that I believed.

 

But it only caused a lot of insecurity coming from me and there was no trust anymore. It got to the point she abandoned the ship because she couldn't handle her own guilt anymore; and I couldn't trust either.

 

We mourn it because we gave every chance. Because we gave everything to them. Because we believed that, no matter what happened, we'd end up finding our ways together. But that's not how life goes, so we have to learn how to get through it and we weren't ever taught that, so it takes time til it goes away.

[PrettyEmily77]

Sometimes, by the time you figure out that you are being lied to and deceived, you are already emotionally invested and have to dissect yourself from the resultant trauma. I don't consider that a self-esteem issue.

 

It is in the sense that you know what's right from wrong but you're not acting on it - your self-esteem is hit by the manipulation, to the point where the lines are blurred between what you know what you should do and what you are actually doing because you are a bit blinded by the emotional bond and very blinded by the gaslighting.

 

In my experience, very few people actually have 'boundaries' issues, barring total psychos.

[Nowty V]

In my experience, very few people actually have 'boundaries' issues, barring total psychos.

 

Toxic Relationships come in a myriad of flavours, due to diverse reasons.

 

The High Functioning Psychopath.

 

I once had a toxic relationship with a woman who would not let me go, when I went she would stalk me and occupy my phones and life. She was very competent at what she did. She wanted me but for what? I never worked it out.

 

When I could get gone I did [she found someone else]. On the flip side I had been so used to her constant contact that I had become institutionalised, I suffered withdrawal symptoms-grief-loss, after 6 weeks away from her I had to source some therapy to assist my transition into life without her.

 

Better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Nowty V
gramma

[NopeNah]

Toxic Relationships come in a myriad of flavours, due to diverse reasons.

 

The High Functioning Psychopath.

 

I once had a toxic relationship with a woman who would not let me go, when I went she would stalk me and occupy my phones and life. She was very competent at what she did. She wanted me but for what? I never worked it out.

 

When I could get gone I did [she found someone else]. On the flip side I had been so used to her constant contact that I had become institutionalised, I suffered withdrawal symptoms-grief-loss, after 6 weeks away from her I had to source some therapy to assist my transition into life without her.

 

Better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.

 

Not EXACTLY the same but,damn close! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

[asphyxis]

I suppose it would be a self-esteem issue if you continued in the relationship even after finding out everything wrong about it.

 

I agree, that it would become a self esteem issue if I continued despite knowing it was toxic. I didn't notice it until after we broke up how toxic the relationship we had was. Lots of subtle undermining on his behalf that had slowly over time, eroded me away. After he left me, I did feel insecure. It wasn't until earlier this month that I started to have a sense of self again.

 

Toxic relationships aren't a one size fits all. They are all different. Mine was the constant remarks he would make towards me in an uplifting manner, love bombing after just shortly meeting him, and then the only time I would feel something was off, was when we would fight, and he made me feel that it was all my fault.

 

Deep reflection has revealed that it was subtle abuse until the fights broke out, and then few months prior to the relationship ending, I couldn't figure out what was wrong but something felt wrong. I accepted it, I don't think he has, or ever will since he placed the brunt of all the issues on me.

[SixxChick]

So, I'm reading a lot of posts these days about how THEY made the decision and we must respect it. They want to be left alone, decided it wasn't worth the effort, didn't want to even try to make it work, etc. And then we force ourselves to become scholars of NC.

 

But, what about OUR decision that was disregarded and thrown to the wind? The decision that was in favor of trying to work it out no matter what it took. And that it is impossible to come the realization that a person who once meant so much to us no longer exists. Why does our decision have to go by the wayside in favor of theirs?

 

This is just a theoretical post. I guess it all chalks up to the fact that people and circumstances change. And that life just isn't fair.

 

Your thoughts?

[NIGHT1985]

Our decision doesn't matter. Our lives no longer concern them, our wellbeing, our happiness..

 

 

Go ahead and call them up, see how cold that person is on the other line.

[loveiswar101]

Yep, im totally in that potion now, thrown to the side like a dirty rag. Doesn't matter what you do, what you say, your opinion means nothing.

 

In there eyes we could be dead, even if you were kind, warm and loving.

 

With this I'm starting to not give a flying $%# about them but can't as not me and I not going to the dark side.

 

But say I did go dark side Id be no better than them, cold, nasty and hurtful.

 

I'm with night1985, give em a call and see where that gets you.

[Traceycprc]

It's true, your opinion doesn't matter when your other half has made theirs and they are moving on without you. There is no point even trying to change their mind, or give your opinion it just looks weak and desperate. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on, and cut contact. I know it's hard but in the long run it really does help.

[Satu]

We can only choose for ourselves.

 

Every person has the right to walk away from a relationship they don't want to be in.

 

You can't make somebody want something they don't want.

 

The best way forward is through acceptance.

 

 

Take care.

[Bialy]

I think in a perfect world, closure is mutual. It is often not the case. Someone is always left feeling like they are shut out or did not have an opportunity to have his or her say.

 

It's crummy. And it happens way more than usual.

 

Acceptance is the way to go. It can be a smooth or bumpy road to acceptance, depending on the circumstances.

 

I feel like in my own journey, I'm learning to accept many things:

 

-accepting failure of the relationship

 

-accepting why my ex is not for me

 

-accepting my own behaviors

 

-accepting that to love again will be worth it

[AinTexas]

Could it be that we are not only mourning the relationship -- but trying to comprehend why we were rejected??? Or dealing with the emotions of rejection??

[Bialy]

I'm mourning a toxic relationship. I absolutely loved and cared about this person - still do, pathetically.

 

Even despite the fact that he is a compulsive, habitual liar. And he doesn't just lie about BIG things. He lies about minor things too - and he does it so casually and without much thought. AND I MOURN THIS TOXIC MESS!

 

Because I live in dreams of what could be and thought I "understood him" and believed our chemistry trumped everything else. All of this is garbage. I know this yet I mourn.

 

The following I identify with completely:

 

Overall, I'm successful and confident. Too empathetic, which makes me an easy target. I need to strengthen my boundaries.

 

I took you in no matter what your chaos brought ...

Because there was something in you that I believed.

 

I don't know your story but what most toxic relationships have in common is being lied to or them gaslighting you. It's not always easy to spot that in someone, but what helps is to open up to trusted friends or family who know you both if your instincts are calling but you can't quite trust yourself.

 

There's a bit of the toxin left in us that hasn't been flushed out, so it pains us.

 

IME, a hallmark of a toxic relationship is unfinished business. There's always something else. It nags at us. Tugs at our mind and psyche.

 

We mourn it because we gave every chance. Because we gave everything to them. Because we believed that, no matter what happened, we'd end up finding our ways together. But that's not how life goes, so we have to learn how to get through it and we weren't ever taught that, so it takes time til it goes away.

[cupcake888]

Relationships are mirrors. We attract people who mirror us. When we feel an intense magnetism for another person, 99 times out of 100 this means that they are going to mirror our most vulnerable self, trigger our deepest wounds. Many times, these are things we have kept with us since childhood and we aren't even conscious of them. So all we see is the mirror at first... they "get" us, they respond to us, we fit. Usually there is an intense physical attraction and the sexual chemistry is off the charts when we meet this person. Then as time passes and the mask slips-- ours and theirs. We experience the triggers which are confusing, toxic and dysfunctional. In reality, they are opportunities to learn about ourselves and heal the parts of us that still need healing. To accept and love ourselves and know that we are worthy of healthy love. There is a lesson in walking away from something that no longer serves us and also a lesson in letting go of someone who doesn't want to be with you. There's a lesson in forgiveness and making the conscious decision to be happy. Finally, the ultimate place to be after all of this is to actually thank the person energetically for showing us these things and giving us the opportunity to grow. It's all very beautiful from 10000 feet up, but it just takes awhile for our hearts to get there. Be kind and patient with yourself. Take it day by day. Do nice things for yourself. It will get better. I am just over 1 month today and it's a process for sure. I still have pangs, still miss him... But I see the the forest through the trees too and it is very liberating.

[cupcake888]

Also, Empathy is a good thing. I struggle with that as well though. You want to be empathetic, but not to the point where you lack boundaries. I think the key is to be empathetic with yourself first. This isn't selfish, it makes us able to give and receive love and set boundaries which in turn is the foundation for attracting/making a healthy relationship.

 

On a side note, I have been reading a lot about attachment styles lately. It is fascinating and really cracks the code as to why each of us ends up in unhealthy relationships sometimes. In order to be receptive to this you really need to be able to take some responsibility in owning your part in the relationship... so anyone who is in a comfortable victim mentality (or not ready to leave that just yet.... most of us have been there, including me) might not really appreciate it. However, learning about this has really helped me understand and in turn it has helped the healing process along. There's a book called "Attached" on Amazon, I got it used for 2 cents. There are also some great podcasts, if you got to the iTunes and search "attachment styles" dozens of podcasts will come up.