Question for OM/OW - why a coward?

[malvern99]

So the woman who fell for your husbands bag of tricks is pathetic, but you stay with him and call the other woman who believed his lies pathetic.....we are not very different from each other. Your post makes me so angry, I cannot even respond.

 

That's a little harsh. I think you are comparing apples and oranges here.

 

My H has been so mad this whole year. xMM has been telling me how he is lying to his wife in MC, telling her what she wants to hear to lead her into false security. He was not even supposed to talk to me, he;s been following me around and basically making me upset for months and months. mm told me how he lied to BS about saying he loved me, said he said what she needed to hear.

 

I would bet my bottom dollar that the only reason he does these things is because he is trying to lure you back into the affair. Why would you believe a word he says to you now knowing what you know? If his M was so terrible, why bother trying to save it once the A came to light. That was his golden ticket out of there right?

 

I am so angry now. You could be her and I am not pathetic. He LIED and I am not going to protect him anymore. You post makes my blood boil. I am sure he said those things to her about me, I know some of them as she spoke to my husband. He wants to enlighten her about what a LIAR her poor, victim husband is. I am going to say - go for it.

 

Are you angry because he lied or because you bought his lies? Why bother protecting him in the first place? He lied to you didn't he?

 

Edited to add - I understand you felt for his bag of tricks same as we did. I'm not mad at you. You hit a nerve. No one will call me pathetic, that's all. He's lying to her and boasting to me of it. It ends.

 

Believe me, we do not think ourselves blameless. We come to the realization that the "love" was a bunch of BS to get us to do sexual acts their wives wouldn't do. (or so they say, who knows the real story). What gets us so angry is that most of these guys win, there is no consequence to their actions. They dance on. Meanwhile it is the women - the collateral damage posting here, pointing fingers against each other.

 

I understand being angry when the veil is lifted. What I don't understand though is why an OW/OM would be angry at the AP. Instead of projecting that anger onto the person who lied to you and manipulated you, wouldn't it be better to turn that anger inwards and channel it into something productive?

 

No one wins when it comes to infidelity. OM only get away with it more often because many OW are willing to protect them from consequences (often to their own detriment), whereas the average OM will throw the OW under the bus with zero hesitation when the rubber meets the road.

[Arieswoman]

Wmacbride #18,

 

In all honesty, it's been my observation that OW will also throw the mm under the bus when the A ends.

By this I mean that the man who they were smitten with suddenly becomes a terrible person, a liar, a manipulator, etc.

 

^^^^ this was true in my sitch.

 

After exH moved out, and the pair of them had been to the solicitors to sign the divorce papers admitting to adultery, she dumped him and went back to her unsuspecting fiance.

Then I found out who the fiance was and told him. He then dumped her and she came running back to my ex, who took her back.

 

AS Lionheart says, this was a circus that I didn't want a ticket for

[Satu]

Its important not to project all the hurt and pain onto the AP, because if you do, the brokenness between you and your WH will not get fixed, just painted over.

 

It also gives him 'a get out of jail free card' that he really doesn't deserve.

 

Yes, she's culpable, but not as much as you think.

 

The real villain of the piece is your is your husband, not the woman he seduced.

 

 

Take care.

[aileD]

You hit the nail on the head here. This is why some OW call their exMM cowards. The only other option is accepting the fact that their "lurve" was nothing but smoke and mirrors designed to keep the A going. It must be really difficult to wake up one day and realize that what felt so real was fake, so it is easier for some to throw the blame for their reality at someone else. It really is a shame though, because instead of taking stock and looking at themselves in the mirror, they would rather leave themselves blameless and put all the baggage on the "coward".

 

This. It's easier to believe he's a coward than to believe she was used.

 

Self preservation on her part.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

I would bet my bottom dollar that the only reason he does these things is because he is trying to lure you back into the affair. Why would you believe a word he says to you now knowing what you know? If his M was so terrible, why bother trying to save it once the A came to light. That was his golden ticket out of there right?

 

Are you angry because he lied or because you bought his lies? Why bother protecting him in the first place? He lied to you didn't he?

 

I understand being angry when the veil is lifted. What I don't understand though is why an OW/OM would be angry at the AP. Instead of projecting that anger onto the person who lied to you and manipulated you, wouldn't it be better to turn that anger inwards and channel it into something productive?

 

No one wins when it comes to infidelity. OM only get away with it more often because many OW are willing to protect them from consequences (often to their own detriment), whereas the average OM will throw the OW under the bus with zero hesitation when the rubber meets the road.

 

I'm angry at myself for getting in the A. He actually did not lie, he was honest that he had been looking for a LTA for 5 years and had no intention of leaving his wife, they were in a roommate marriage and he felt he married the wrong person. I was the moron who felt bad for him and got involved. I was not mad that he would not leave, of course I was so upset, hurt and all that, but I did all that to myself. My M was in a bad place, my H was seeing someone and my boundaries were nonexistent.

 

What I am angry at xmm is how he acted after it ended. I did not want a LTA so I ended it after 5 months. My H knew. He also ended his A. xMM went and told his wife a huge pack of lies about me - crazy stalker, all the stuff the OP wrote. I know this bc she spoke to my H. My H tried to set her straight that it was a mutual thing but she bought his victim role. the aftermath was really bad and okay, you could say I deserved that but he resurfaced when they started MC as he had finally agreed to sleep with her and told me that she had stopped monitoring him now, since she felt secure.

 

I don't want to hijack this thread but trust me. he is a terrible person. I live it. As to why I believed him, well now I do not talk to him and ignore him as he does not respect my NC request (and laughs how he lies to his wife about not talking to me, she is so stupid he says). I guess I can only say, I believed him like his wife believes him. He is a good liar.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This. It's easier to believe he's a coward than to believe she was used.

 

Self preservation on her part.

 

Trust me. We know we were used.

 

Although I have never called him a coward. Just a liar.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

Unfaithful married men are especially good at two things:

 

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

 

Many of them do this again and again, with woman after woman.

 

 

With that comment, I'll retire from this thread.

 

 

Take care.

[MidnightBlue1980]

From my journal:

 

 

Unfaithful married men are especially good at two things:

 

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

 

Many of them do this again and again, with woman after woman.

 

 

With that comment, I'll retire from this thread.

 

 

Take care.

 

I will retire from it as well.

[notmyselfnow]

My H has been so mad this whole year. xMM has been telling me how he is lying to his wife in MC, telling her what she wants to hear to lead her into false security. He was not even supposed to talk to me, he;s been following me around and basically making me upset for months and months. mm told me how he lied to BS about saying he loved me, said he said what she needed to hear. My H is planning on telling her all this at the holidays, how its a big stinkfest of false reconciliation, and after reading this and realizing she probably is saying these things about me - since you could be describing my xmm, I am going to let my H do whatever he wants. Tear it all down.

 

I am so angry now. You could be her and I am not pathetic. He LIED and I am not going to protect him anymore. You post makes my blood boil. I am sure he said those things to her about me, I know some of them as she spoke to my husband. He wants to enlighten her about what a LIAR her poor, victim husband is. I am going to say - go for it.

 

Edited to add - I understand you felt for his bag of tricks same as we did. I'm not mad at you. You hit a nerve. No one will call me pathetic, that's all. He's lying to her and boasting to me of it. It ends.

 

My goal was not to hurt you - it was to work through stuff for myself. I would not go on the OM/OW forum and talk disparagingly about an OW there, but I feel that's kind of allowed here, if I'm not wrong. This is the marriage category, and I'm married and I've been betrayed and it sucks. I'm so so angry at the OW in an uncomplicated way and I do think she is a pathetic person. I'm angry at my WH too of course, but that's complicated by our long history and our children and his attempts at reconciliation.

 

The other woman, in my case, IS pathetic, and I'm not just talking about her being in an affair. She is a pathetic person with nothing going for her. My WH very clearly affaired down - I don't think I need to go into details about the reasons I believe that to be true (I think that's probably unnecessary) but it was quite a blow to my self-esteem to realize that the person he chose to betray me with was, on every objective characteristic (except for fawning on him and never making any demands) such a step down from me. It was a HUGE blow to my self-esteem. The things I am most proud of doing and being are things she is not. What does that say about me? Moreover, the OW has also been deliberately mean, texting me salacious details in an attempt to hurt me, has repeatedly tried to contact WH after he told her no contact, and repeatedly contacted me to try to further damage me or the marriage. She's a single, lonely drunk, and while I hate her for her role in my betrayal, she is a pathetic person even outside of that.

 

I do not - in any way - condone infidelity, never did, and really really don't now given the destruction I realize it carries. But I was not intending to call you pathetic. I do believe the OW in my situation IS pathetic, but that's my own situation. Sorry I hit such a nerve.

[Arieswoman]

Notmyselfnow;

 

The other woman, in my case, IS pathetic, and I'm not just talking about her being in an affair. She is a pathetic person with nothing going for her. My WH very clearly affaired down - I don't think I need to go into details about the reasons I believe that to be true (I think that's probably unnecessary) but it was quite a blow to my self-esteem to realize that the person he chose to betray me with was, on every objective characteristic (except for fawning on him and never making any demands) such a step down from me. It was a HUGE blow to my self-esteem. The things I am most proud of doing and being are things she is not. What does that say about me?

 

I can sympathise with you more than you know having been in the same sitch. (AP thick as a bag of rocks, packed widgits in boxes at my exH factory etc)

 

Your question was "what does that say about me?".

 

The answer is nothing, absolutely nothing. All it says is about his choices.

Try and believe that you are NOT devalued by his actions - he is.

[malvern99]

My fWW had an EA. I spent a lot of time being angry at the OM. I obsessed about lighting his world on fire and hurting him like he had hurt me. I struggled with the injustice of it all. In my case, I feel my healing only truly began when I accepted that the OM was meaningless. I did not know him and he owed me nothing. He swore me no vows and he did not wear my ring. That realization freed a part of me up that helped me focus on my own situation more. Best of luck OP.

[S2B]

He's cowardly if he threw her under the bus - because HE did this to you.

 

It is his behavior. It's his to own how he participated.

 

Stop pointing the finger at her and point it only at HIM.

 

As long as you keep making HER the scapegoat - he's off the hook to some extent...and YOU are letting him off the hook by even giving her any energy.

 

He did this to you. He should answer to mainly that.

 

 

And remember - he lies. He lied to her and he lied to you. That is only part of why he a coward.

 

The real question is why are you staying with a known liar and cheat? Why defend that type of person?

Edited September 30, 2016 by S2B

[MidnightBlue1980]

My goal was not to hurt you - it was to work through stuff for myself. I would not go on the OM/OW forum and talk disparagingly about an OW there, but I feel that's kind of allowed here, if I'm not wrong. This is the marriage category, and I'm married and I've been betrayed and it sucks. I'm so so angry at the OW in an uncomplicated way and I do think she is a pathetic person. I'm angry at my WH too of course, but that's complicated by our long history and our children and his attempts at reconciliation.

 

The other woman, in my case, IS pathetic, and I'm not just talking about her being in an affair. She is a pathetic person with nothing going for her. My WH very clearly affaired down - I don't think I need to go into details about the reasons I believe that to be true (I think that's probably unnecessary) but it was quite a blow to my self-esteem to realize that the person he chose to betray me with was, on every objective characteristic (except for fawning on him and never making any demands) such a step down from me. It was a HUGE blow to my self-esteem. The things I am most proud of doing and being are things she is not. What does that say about me? Moreover, the OW has also been deliberately mean, texting me salacious details in an attempt to hurt me, has repeatedly tried to contact WH after he told her no contact, and repeatedly contacted me to try to further damage me or the marriage. She's a single, lonely drunk, and while I hate her for her role in my betrayal, she is a pathetic person even outside of that.

 

I do not - in any way - condone infidelity, never did, and really really don't now given the destruction I realize it carries. But I was not intending to call you pathetic. I do believe the OW in my situation IS pathetic, but that's my own situation. Sorry I hit such a nerve.

 

Well, I saw your post on the other board, I guess they moved it. But thanks. I am very mad at times, though I try hard to let it go.

 

That is pretty bad that she would contact you in any way. I can't imagine that. There are just some lines you should never cross and contacting the BS is one of them.

 

To address your question, your H's choice says volumes about him, not you. IMHO, when a man picks a trainwreck as an OW, it is because he wants to feel like a man, superior, looked up to and better than her.

 

I was very surprised at my H's choice. She was very young, uneducated, could not keep a job, drug issues, and the worst part - he made up her identity to protect her from me, but I put her cell in google and pages came up with her picture and name and address. All these people were looking for her for fraud and theft. Usually you would never find someone's identity by putting their cell in google. I said, who is this person you have brought into our lives? But she "understood him like I never did". It was a surreal moment, he was a total stranger to me and he felt he belonged with her. I told him to go live with her but neither of them had a job or 2 cents and she lived with her parents.

 

I was in my own fog as well, so I do get it but this woman was just really, really strange.

 

We pick the people who tend to be the complete opposite of our spouses.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

You can't understand how one may view him as a coward because you believe the uncorroborated story he supplied as fact. Most would question how one can be in a predominantly emotional affair for several years but not give a damn about the person he is having the EA with? It's quite baffling how it only ended upon your discovery and your WH describes his voluntary involvement like it was this horrific experience he could not get away from (despite being hundreds of miles away from his AP). Like, he'd rather be waterboarded than spend one more minute in the affair.

 

If you believe he's being less than 100% honest with you but claiming moral superiority over the inferior AP, then I think you could make a good case of him being a coward and throwing the OW under the bus.

 

His lies to you and her are because he selfishly does not want to acknowledge the wrongfulness of his behavior. He wants to blame you, her, God, Santa Claus, etc.. That's cowardice.

[Arieswoman]

I agree 100% with posts #36, #37.

 

If you are getting mad with the AP you're firing at the wrong target.

 

IMO the AP isn't responsible for the affair. She wasn't the instigator of the attack on the marriage and the subsequent fallout on the faithful partner. She wasn't the one who made vows of fidelity. She couldn't have entered the situation without the invitation of the WS.

 

Many of us BSs make the mistake of giving the AP more importance that she deserves.

She isn't special, just available, willing to enter a relationship with a committed person and willing to play "second fiddle". They provide something that the WS needs (or think they need) at the time.

 

It's the partner who cheated that deserves the flack.

[waterwoman]

Gah! I just feel so angry about all of this. I didn't choose this, but I have to deal with it. I'm SO SO glad I know, but this is really horrible. It just feels so very unjust.

 

Yep, there is no changing that I'm afraid you just have to wait and wait for it to stop stinging. For the first year or so I kept thinking 'its so unfair! ' and the rage built up inside me, but I just learned to let the feeling float away and now I can just shrug. Life IS unfair. If what you have is enough let the rest go xx

[Rockflower]

OP - you said that you earn considerably more than your WH. This maybe something worth considering as to the why.

 

And the coward bit - if he can't tell you what he wants / isn't getting from you, then chooses to go off and get that behind your back ... and with someone else whom he also isn't disclosing to what he really, truly wants (aside from short-term pleasure) - then that surely explains a coward.

Too cowardly to be honest, maybe even with himself.

[Lion Heart]

Its important not to project all the hurt and pain onto the AP, because if you do, the brokenness between you and your WH will not get fixed, just painted over.

 

It also gives him 'a get out of jail free card' that he really doesn't deserve.

 

Yes, she's culpable, but not as much as you think.

 

The real villain of the piece is your is your husband, not the woman he seduced.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

This is SO TRUE..we see this behaviour repeated by BSs so often.

 

Directing major hurt and anger at the AP.

It's likened to blaming one drop of rain for drenching you.

 

POTENTIAL APs are a dime a dozen.

They are simply not important to focus on AT ALL.

 

It's the UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE who should've been protecting the marraige for better or worse.

 

If they can't do that NO MATTER WHAT then they simply aren't cut out for the M state.

 

Or just had the courage to get out and D BEFORE carrying on like crazy people with crazy people.

 

The Scripture teacher OW from my kid's school that exWH had an A with went to town doing crazy sh** before the A came out:

* she met each of my children in THEIR SCHOOL PLAYGROUND, introduced herself and wanted to get to know them. The kids had to make doubly sure with me they weren't Catholic at all (just because daddy was) because a strange woman spoke to them. They didn't know WHO she was.

* OW organized for her grand daughter to befriend my D and arrange a play date at my home.

* OWs family came and stayed for hours without invitation. Checking out the Waterviews etc etc. Making themselves VERY comfortable in what they thought would be their MOTHER'S NEW HOME.

 

There's alot more. Police got involved on OWs calling. ExWH TRIED to get Police involved for him. They told him to keep it in his pants and stop having affairs lol.

 

Then when police WOULDN'T ACT the whole circus turned on ME.

 

What a bunch of clowns.

 

I thanked exWHs employers for sacking him and having the moral fibre that HE DIDN'T possess.

 

I DROVE exWH to OWs home the day after D Day to APOLOGIZE to her.

AND to build the brick wall he'd PROMISED her for the sex he got.

 

She was in hospital feigning a heart attack.

 

She is 11y older than exWH. She is the size of a house.

She is heart attack material.

It wasn't a heart attack. WHs family broke codes of ethics to get OWs medical reports.

 

Then she proceeded to SMEAR MY NAME all over FB.

 

LOL.

 

Ummm why?

Because apparently I WON.

 

WH didn't care what she was writing about me. Tbh neither did I.

But when it WAS ALL ABOUT HIM...then he tried to have her charged.

 

Do you see a pattern of NPD occurring here?

ONLY CARING ABOUT HIMSELF. AAALLLLLLL THE WAY from dot to spot.

 

He took NO RESPONSIBILITY for OWs actions.

 

MY OPINION is that ALL OF HER actions were ALL on him lol.

OW wouldn't even have known my NAME had he not led her up merry garden paths.

 

It's all on him.

Ofcourse she was an idiot believing him. At HER AGE! Lol.

Apparently she's a clairvoyant too! Oh dear. No wonder she's broke.

 

See the crap these people put on themselves when once they were naked in bed together promising rainbows and butterflies? Unicorns.

 

Just a WASH, RINSE, REPEAT cycle. Text book.

 

Lion Heart

[Arieswoman]

Rockflower post #41

 

You say

 

OP - you said that you earn considerably more than your WH. This maybe something worth considering as to the why.

 

^^^

 

I'm curious as to why you say this? I earned more than my WS (exH) but I know plenty of BSs who didn't.

 

Just interested in your rationale

[Mr. Lucky]

The other woman, in my case, IS pathetic, and I'm not just talking about her being in an affair. She is a pathetic person with nothing going for her. My WH very clearly affaired down - I don't think I need to go into details about the reasons I believe that to be true (I think that's probably unnecessary) but it was quite a blow to my self-esteem to realize that the person he chose to betray me with was, on every objective characteristic (except for fawning on him and never making any demands) such a step down from me.

 

Some might frame this a different way - that your WH sensed the vulnerability presented by her low self-esteem and took advantage of it. And when in was no longer easy, convenient or self-serving, he tossed her like yesterday's newspaper.

 

Doesn't paint him in the best light. I'd be tempted to add "user" and "manipulator" to "coward"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

^^^^^

 

Or, we could cynically add to this post and say that he was punching above his weight when he was married to you.

 

Going with her was perhaps just reverting to type ?

[Chica80]

Rockflower post #41

 

You say

 

 

 

^^^

 

I'm curious as to why you say this? I earned more than my WS (exH) but I know plenty of BSs who didn't.

 

Just interested in your rationale

 

Possibly because, OP husband seems very insecure. Which is why he chose to "affair down" as OP states so he could feel better about himself.. That's just my guess.

 

Nothing to do with her, everything to do with him.

[Rockflower]

Rockflower post #41

 

You say

 

 

 

^^^

 

I'm curious as to why you say this? I earned more than my WS (exH) but I know plenty of BSs who didn't.

 

Just interested in your rationale

 

Hi AW - in response (I thought it was obvious ... not meaning to be condescending at all, rather it just IS obvious to me).

Men are providers (protectors). However modern everyone is, men still innately want to provide and women are innately homemakers. This is of course a spectrum with varying degrees, but still natural given our social conditioning too. If a W is 'providing' over the H, then he is bound to feel 'less than'. I'm not saying all men will and they will all go and have affairs, but the imbalance is bound to create a power struggle somewhere unless it is adequately addressed somehow.

 

As in - it is just one reason why men may stray, often combined with an inability to stand up and tell you just how they feel about it and other things.

[Midwestmissy]

Midnight blue - you say there are lines that shouldn't be crossed - why is sleeping with someone's spouse not such a line?

 

If an ow/Om continuously tells the other ow/Om that he/she will not leave the spouse, why is the person so shocked when he runs back home? In my case, the affair was ended and wh confessed to me 6 months later, because once it ended, he always left his phone out. And she got drunk and texted him to proposition several times. While she was at home in bed with her husband and 4 kids.

 

In the situation I experienced, no one involved was interested in excellence or raising the bar. My wh had issues he refused to face, and the water found its level. He debased himself with his behavior and finding someone equally lacking self respect was super easy. I guess I'm curious when the lines to cross become clear after cheaters have plowed through all the others.

 

My wh told me her family never crossed his mind other than his thinking that if they split up he was in trouble because she wanted a life with wh. So he'd book them hotels etc while still sleeping with her. Also, she didn't blow up our marriage, he did with the low standards and dumb decisions he made without my knowledge. I don't put the blame on her. But it's humiliating to find out wh is stepping out with trash. Because you realize you are married to trash.

 

He's been in amazing therapy for a while now and we discuss all this regularly. The ow could have been anyone available. He was not curating the selection lol.

 

I saw an analogy that compares marriage and affairs. Marriage and true intimacy is like skiing in the alps, feeling the sun and cold, the cold beer afterwards, the smell of the fire in the lodge. It's all the senses and it takes work and time to both have the ability to tackle those mountains and be able to afford the proper trip.

 

An affair is like a skiing game on the Xbox. All pretend with none of the beauty. And anyone with 2 thumbs and a tv can do it.

 

Or saying you can skip Europe because you walked through Epcot. Not the same experiences at all.

[Arieswoman]

Rockflower #47

 

it is just one reason why men may stray, often combined with an inability to stand up and tell you just how they feel about it and other things.

 

^^^ I would agree with the second part but not the first.

 

If a guy feels somehow threatened by his wife's earning ability then it begs the question as to why he married her? And I don't see how it creates a "power imbalance" ?

 

It is also a fact that when a woman is pregnant, most vulnerable and earning zilch, that somehow some men feel the need to cheat. Work that one out