EA - Finally ready to share my story w/insights from counseling

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hello, Everyone! I'm happy to report that I have not contacted MM for 38 days and his last contact to me was 27 days ago. Strange thing happened with me emotionally this evening, and I'm hoping you all can provide some insight so I can learn more about my triggers to heal them and create more peace in my life...please and thank you!

 

So finally this week I've begun to feel back to my normal, happy, productive self. I haven't felt this way in a looooooong time. A couple great things have happened in the last few days because I've finally started getting my head out of my hiney. Also, this evening I heard from a great friend in China whom I haven't spoken to in a couple of years, so that was a great boost.

 

Then, all of a sudden, I bumped into one of my customers whom I'm severing ties with. This customer is male and is rude (narcissistic even I think). He made some nasty comments to me when I saw him that were totally unprovoked. I was very calm and nonchalant in my interaction with him, but inside he stirred a lot of crap in me. He triggered the heck out of me, and I lost my peace and began thinking obsessively about MM. Why? Despite all the things I can be happy and at peace about from the last few days, I'm feeling anxious, angry, upset from crappy customer.

 

So my questions to you are:

1. Why would this arrogant POS customer triggering me send me into a tailspin thinking about MM?

 

2. Is my recovery so fresh that the hurt and pain is right below the surface and easily provoked by any negative stimulus?

 

3. Have you experienced this? Someone triggered you emotionally in a negative way that led you to think/obsess about your affair partner (like picking off the scab)? Why or what did you learn about this?

Edited October 27, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel
grammer

[Chica80]

So my questions to you are:

 

1. Why would this arrogant POS customer triggering me send me into a tailspin thinking about MM?

 

Because you may have unresolved issues, why you got into A. Why this type of personality drew you in in the first place.

 

2. Is my recovery so fresh that the hurt and pain is right below the surface and easily provoked by any negative stimulus?

 

Yes. Depending on the A, how long it lasted. You still may have triggers from time to time. Things are not always linear. Like in Stages of grief you may go from one stage to another and back to previous stage etc.

 

3. Have you experienced this? Someone triggered you emotionally in a negative way that led you to think/obsess about your affair partner (like picking off the scab)? Why or what did you learn about this?

 

Yes...a lot of times her on LS. Someone especially a MM/OM who post.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

So my questions to you are:

 

1. Why would this arrogant POS customer triggering me send me into a tailspin thinking about MM?

 

Because you may have unresolved issues, why you got into A. Why this type of personality drew you in in the first place.

 

2. Is my recovery so fresh that the hurt and pain is right below the surface and easily provoked by any negative stimulus?

 

Yes. Depending on the A, how long it lasted. You still may have triggers from time to time. Things are not always linear. Like in Stages of grief you may go from one stage to another and back to previous stage etc.

 

3. Have you experienced this? Someone triggered you emotionally in a negative way that led you to think/obsess about your affair partner (like picking off the scab)? Why or what did you learn about this?

 

Yes...a lot of times her on LS. Someone especially a MM/OM who post.

 

Thank you for responding, Sunshinechica! You reminded me of my IC session today. I'll post some info about it in case it helps someone else. In discussing why it bothers me that MM hasn't tried to contact me, we discussed in IC that it has to do with seeking validation. My counselor suggested I recall my strongest experience of feeling invalidated (childhood) to feel it and try to resolve it, thereby beginning to resolve the issue. Counselor said it may never go away, but if I feel it rather than ignore it each time, the trigger should lessen each time. Also linked to feeling invalidated is a sense of injustice, and being triggered when someone slights me. I think this concept of invalidation is hugely applicable in the world of A, both for WS and OW/OM. WS is seeking validation from OW/OM and OW/OM is seeking validation from WS. I think WS often get the validation they seek, while OW/OM get it in drips and drops (push/pull or love/love avoidant behavior). Both are addicted to it.

 

Thanks for reminding me of yet another example of the same stinking thing I need to heal. Wish I could snap my fingers and be all better! Thanks again for your post! :-)

[Chica80]

Thank you for responding, Sunshinechica! You reminded me of my IC session today. I'll post some info about it in case it helps someone else. In discussing why it bothers me that MM hasn't tried to contact me, we discussed in IC that it has to do with seeking validation. My counselor suggested I recall my strongest experience of feeling invalidated (childhood) to feel it and try to resolve it, thereby beginning to resolve the issue. Counselor said it may never go away, but if I feel it rather than ignore it each time, the trigger should lessen each time. Also linked to feeling invalidated is a sense of injustice, and being triggered when someone slights me. I think this concept of invalidation is hugely applicable in the world of A, both for WS and OW/OM. WS is seeking validation from OW/OM and OW/OM is seeking validation from WS. I think WS often get the validation they seek, while OW/OM get it in drips and drops (push/pull or love/love avoidant behavior). Both are addicted to it.

 

Thanks for reminding me of yet another example of the same stinking thing I need to heal. Wish I could snap my fingers and be all better! Thanks again for your post! :-)

 

Yes I've been in IC for almost as long as I have been in A....more than a year.

 

And I have learned very much that the issues w my A, are to try to fix past traumas or hurts....or reinforce them

 

I've recently learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings... thoughts...to understand them instead of just react and blow them off...some people apparently learn how to do this quite young...it's new for me in some ways.

[Chica80]

Also just as a note...I don't know what time zone or country you live in....but I find that most people here are in a time zone that's early morning for me or while I'm sleeping.... So not posting when it's nighttime for me....

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Also just as a note...I don't know what time zone or country you live in....but I find that most people here are in a time zone that's early morning for me or while I'm sleeping.... So not posting when it's nighttime for me....

 

I'm in SE USA. What does your counselor say about you being in A while in IC? I suspended counseling when I discovered MM is married (Sep 2015) because I thought she would try to talk me out of it and I felt such a strong pull towards him that I wanted to see what the connection with MM was about (like a moth to a flame!). I returned to IC when I was ready to exit A (Sep 2016). I wish I had started back to IC after 6 months into A when I realized I needed to get out but didn't have the strength then.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I think a person's ability to feel the trauma and release (you said some people were able to do this from young age) depends on their environment they grew up in. In my case, as a kid my feelings didn't matter to mother so maybe I didn't learn that skill well as a kid. It is hard to connect with th feelings sometimes. I've just recently been learning about defense mechanisms--how they serve to give a sense of security but also block us from understanding what the real feelings are. Defense mechanisms help create a false sense of self, and healing old wounds help us to reconnect with our more vulnerable, authentic self. When the authentic self is fully realized, we are whole and healthy. This is what I have gathered so far from my journey over these last few weeks through IC, group counseling, researching online, and LS.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Wow.. these guy's are just.. diabolical. It's terrible but I can't help but feel somewhat morbidly impressed.

 

LOL!!! Oh RemingtonH, I've read some of your posts and you seem like a good guy. Please stay one of the good ones!!! Don't become a devious, conniving, manipulative, cowardly jacka$$ who hurts people for his own selfish gain. What brings you to the LS OM/OW boards?

[Chica80]

I'm in SE USA. What does your counselor say about you being in A while in IC? I suspended counseling when I discovered MM is married (Sep 2015) because I thought she would try to talk me out of it and I felt such a strong pull towards him that I wanted to see what the connection with MM was about (like a moth to a flame!). I returned to IC when I was ready to exit A (Sep 2016). I wish I had started back to IC after 6 months into A when I realized I needed to get out but didn't have the strength then.

 

My therapist has known about my A from the beginning. We discuss it alot in therapy. She doesn't tell me I should get out or what to do. She helps me work through things and learn things myself instead of telling me what the answer is.

 

This is what I've learned through therapy:

My parents were not bad parents. They did the best they could. The way they were taught. Sometimes traumatic things happen in our life if you have the support and are taught healthy ways to cope and deal with things then you have those tools later on...it's like stepping stones....

 

But if you didn't learn how to heal how to resolve it in a healthy manner. You can get stuck there emotionally, mentally. And you can grow become an adult function etc but those parts of you that were never healed will still be stuck there....

 

Like say something happened to you when you were 6. Something traumatic you don't deal w it. You just go on with your life....so now as an adult if something triggers you it will take you back to that place. You will try to fix it but w your six yr old mindset. So until you actually learn healthy coping or appropriate boundaries or whatever is healthy you will continue to revert there.....

[ladydesigner]

My therapist has known about my A from the beginning. We discuss it alot in therapy. She doesn't tell me I should get out or what to do. She helps me work through things and learn things myself instead of telling me what the answer is.

 

This is what I've learned through therapy:

My parents were not bad parents. They did the best they could. The way they were taught. Sometimes traumatic things happen in our life if you have the support and are taught healthy ways to cope and deal with things then you have those tools later on...it's like stepping stones....

 

But if you didn't learn how to heal how to resolve it in a healthy manner. You can get stuck there emotionally, mentally. And you can grow become an adult function etc but those parts of you that were never healed will still be stuck there....

 

Like say something happened to you when you were 6. Something traumatic you don't deal w it. You just go on with your life....so now as an adult if something triggers you it will take you back to that place. You will try to fix it but w your six yr old mindset. So until you actually learn healthy coping or appropriate boundaries or whatever is healthy you will continue to revert there.....

 

Great post! After reading it I realize I need to go back to therapy!

[Patrice]

you have been trampled on. When someone comes into your presence and is unjust, you go ballistic. You have things that you would LIKE to say to exMM, but you can't. So, it comes out in whacky ways with other people who are eliciting the same feelings. You're doing fine. I think the best thing you can do, is to keep trying to understand yourself. This is precious learning time for you, because you will know to never make the mistake again. Karma will get his butt, eventually.

 

I had a really mean boyfriend in college, I went NC, and didn't really know why - but, I know now .. it's to reframe and heal your own head and soul. You know something is off, that's why you disengage. That's a survival skill. As far as wondering about why he hasn't contacted you? THINK - if he did, you may get lured into this again, only to have to endure the pain over. Better to keep working on YOU, caring for YOU and forgiving yourself for making a mistake. The breach of trust is the hardest thing to recover from, and where I am - years after. {{{HUGS}}}

[Chica80]

Great post! After reading it I realize I need to go back to therapy!

 

LADY I'm all for therapy....I've learned and grown so much.... (I know hard to believe because still in A) but really it's been the best thing....

 

What you went through and continue to go through w your WH. Traumatic, I think you're alot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[Onlyif]

Omg sounds like you are living my hell!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Omg sounds like you are living my hell!

 

I'm coming out the other side, thanks be to God. What's your story? Guess I should check for your threads. I'm sorry for your hell. A's suck!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I decided to repost these on my own thread as I would like to incorporate them as part of my personal journey. I am grateful today that, as a result to the string of posts quoted herein from Rebelnoir's thread, I received some significant healing. I literally feel a great weight has been lifted off my heart this morning. My heart feels lighter...almost as light as it was before I entered into A. Thank God! I think I'm almost back to the happy person I was before the A, but a much wiser person who also has resolved some past emotional trauma from "doing the work" on processing my A. My counselor likes to tell her clients that whatever plagues each client is their own personal "story" that repeats and continues to show up in that person's life until it is resolved. For me, betrayal has been a very significant, common theme in my life beginning with my childhood. My mom was not nice that way my whole life. I distinctly remember my dad's betrayal that truly broke my mom emotionally when I was 14. So, as my counselor would say, it shows up so I can heal it. It keeps showing up until we heal it. Thanks especially to those who have taken the time to comment in my journey! You, and LS, have been an absolute Godsend!

 

You know, Rebelnoir, one thing I'm starting to understand now that I'm almost 8 months out is the dynamic of control in an A. MM/MW must absolutely delight in it being that they are in the catbird seat. On one hand they have a socially accepted family life with all the perks, a smitten, adulating OW/OM on a string like a puppet on the other, and most importantly they are the only ones who know the whole truth about any of it. That must feel powerful for them. I used to think that xMM must've felt guilty hiding this secret from all the significant people in his life, but now I see he more likely enjoyed it in a sick, twisted, perverted way that he was being devious, getting away with it, and was the only one who knew what he was up to....giving a sense of power over his life and those potentially affected by his actions. Eureka! I think I finally answered one of my questions, which is why he loved so much that I called him devious. Three times he told me how much he liked my saying so in response to the one time I said it.

 

Anyhow, back to topic...sorry! I think OW/OM cede much power (way more than other relationships) to their xMM/MW...it's the nature of the beast. MM/MW control the traffic flow with OW/OM. Stop, my BS is on to something. Go, the coast is clear. Yield, we have to reduce contact in some way (frequency, method, timing) because the cop (BS) is suspicious. These traffic signs can be totally irrespective of the BS because maybe MM/MW just wants to slow down OW/OM for other reasons: OW/OM becoming too demanding; MM/MW need time and space for another OW/OM (if they enjoy multiples); etcetera. Meanwhile OW/OM become more and more frazzled and worn down. Is the coast clear? Can I express my affection for you now? I just want to love you. Can I? So unnatural. So unhealthy. Such conditioning. Now I see how LS folks talk about MM/MW grooming their OW/OM. I also think MM/MW have a tendency to be lazy. If they weren't, they'd work on the problems in themselves and their marriages. So that's why they prefer to return to their already groomed supply. Lots of work to identify someone in the first place who they can sink hooks into, and then the work to manage down expectations through the traffic control.

 

Writing this out helped me a ton, and I hope it helps you, Rebelnoir, and others. Take off the rose colored glasses, dear rebel. This is what is going on behind the scenes whether MM/MW is concious of it or not. I bet the feeling of power and control is one of the most addicting aspects of A for MM/MW. Plus MW/MM crave yummy validation and adulation from OW/OM. OW/OM crave and seek validation from MM/MW, but never quite get it and that's what keeps OW/OM hooked...chasing the love, approval, validation. Now I understand xMM's reaction when I called out my xMM on how he handled my birthday. He was indignant rather than remorseful for hurting my feelings. With my constant supply of adulation, that must have been a shock for him when I rebuked his dimissive behavior (standing up for myself). He must have thought one of my robot, puppet screws must have come loose. Plus, now I think I better understand why I haven't heard a word from xMM in all these months. It has nothing to do with love or lack of it, and everything to do with the quality of supply I provided him. When I began asking for more and standing up for myself, maybe he felt his supply was spoiling. I'm not good supply because I ultimately stood up for myself. He was certainly not going to give me what I asked for, what I deserved (real love), so why would he want to contact me? I'm not a fun plaything anymore.

 

In summary, you cutting contact, you making the decision, will for the rest of your life give you some small peace that after all the crap you accepted, at least you stood up for yourself in the end.

 

Wishing love and peace to you and to all the folks out there who are agonizing in this type of situation.

 

Yes, power and control is definitely a factor in some affairs

 

Not to t/j, but following up on HadMeOver, I wonder how many of our xMM feel a lack of control in their home life, leading them to situations like an affair where they have an OW they can exert control over. Mine did this too, especially with respect to how the physical aspect of the affair progressed. In retrospect, I see that he often set me up with situations where I'd need to ask for more, allowing him to reject me or to feel like he was just a "good guy" led astray by my desires. And I definitely got the sense after he returned home to live with his wife that he enjoyed having someone so enthralled with him, sending him loving message after message even as he made a conscious choice to pull back himself.

 

His situation was that he lived in a foreign country with his wife to be closer to her family and advance her career. I got the impression he got the short end of the stick with the move and was deeply unhappy there. He gave up a career type job with an organization he loved and was unemployed for a long stretch. He had an almost "methinks thou dost protest too much" kind of thing going on when he'd explain the power dynamic in his marriage. I don't think he had much of a voice in his marriage, so I think he reasserted his power with me. And was pretty damn cruel when I took my power back.

 

Not a terrible human being, but a selfish one, and cruel in the way children can be cruel to insects or animals as they "play" with them thoughtlessly.

 

Rebel, please forgive my tj. Elaine, I thought of you while I wrote my post. Nothing specific but reminded me of the tone in your posts. Thank you for your response...makes me feel like I'm really seeing this for what it was. Also, I realized that I was a crutch to xMM in the way described in your post above. It gives me a sense of satisfaction that I removed that crutch forcing him to deal more directly with his issues even if just briefly (until he finds another crutch).

 

My next big question to solve is...why BS stay married to unremorseful serial cheaters. Must be the opposite side of same coin as to why OW/OM stay involved with the cheater. I want to understand this because it's what my mother did. It made me lose all respect for her when I was only 14 years old.

[elaine567]

My next big question to solve is...why BS stay married to unremorseful serial cheaters. Must be the opposite side of same coin as to why OW/OM stay involved with the cheater. I want to understand this because it's what my mother did. It made me lose all respect for her when I was only 14 years old.

 

I think there are many reasons, but I think it is all boils down to having or perceiving to have no other options or no other viable options.

 

They do a cost benefit analysis, they weigh up the pros and cons and it comes out on the side of staying in the marriage.

 

Many people having been part of a couple, just do not want to be alone and will put up with just about anything to maintain the status quo.

 

I also think the innate sexual jealousy that accompanies "love", can be modified over time especially if sex has become boring or a chore, and so some betrayed spouses learn to just accept the OW/OM, especially if she/he actually poses no threat to the marriage. They learn to appreciate the good bits of the marriage, the status, the security, the children, the house, the money, the holidays, the pets, the garden, the neighbours, the friends... and forget about the "love" story.

 

Or they learn to just look the other way and occupy themselves with family, friends, possessions, work, volunteering etc. or bury themselves in alcohol or drugs, or seek out the attention of someone else...

[Chica80]

Wow.....all I can say is wow.....I'm going to read your last post over and over.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Wow.....all I can say is wow.....I'm going to read your last post over and over.

 

Thanks, Sunshinechica! I'm glad this helps you. I know you've been doing your own exploring in counseling and I invite you to comment on your journey anytime on my thread. Love and hugs!

Edited May 22, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[FoundMyStrength]

HadMe, your post affair story has so many similarities to my own. I am also 8 months out and thankful that he has left me alone to heal and figure out the underlying reasons. Like you, my dad was an unrepentant serial adulterer who left for the other woman when I was 8 after 17 years of marriage. I too have wondered how women like my mom stay with serial cheaters. In my mom's case, she came to the marriage broken down by earlier childhood sexual abuse. By far, the greatest part of my shame has been becoming the other woman given the pain my mom went through. It is also part of my motivation to stay away from him, so that he has a chance to heal his marriage and (perhaps) not become a man like my father. I do believe him that this was his first affair.

 

It is so good to hear that you are back to the happy person you were before the affair. My counselor also views this as part of an emotional journey, and I agree with you that if you your mind, heart, and soul into processing and healing from the experience, we can emerge wiser, stronger and healthier in the end.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

HadMe, your post affair story has so many similarities to my own. I am also 8 months out and thankful that he has left me alone to heal and figure out the underlying reasons. Like you, my dad was an unrepentant serial adulterer who left for the other woman when I was 8 after 17 years of marriage. I too have wondered how women like my mom stay with serial cheaters. In my mom's case, she came to the marriage broken down by earlier childhood sexual abuse. By far, the greatest part of my shame has been becoming the other woman given the pain my mom went through. It is also part of my motivation to stay away from him, so that he has a chance to heal his marriage and (perhaps) not become a man like my father. I do believe him that this was his first affair.

 

It is so good to hear that you are back to the happy person you were before the affair. My counselor also views this as part of an emotional journey, and I agree with you that if you your mind, heart, and soul into processing and healing from the experience, we can emerge wiser, stronger and healthier in the end.

 

FMS, thanks for posting. My opinion is do your best to release the shame, because shame keeps you stuck in the muck. I am going to confess something here...may not sound nice but it is honest. I wonder how many OW/OM might share similar feelings, however unpopular. Whereas you felt shame as OW because you saw how your dad's infidelity tore up your mom, I felt anger and disrespect towards xMM's BS because I projected my own mother's weakness onto her. I have a distinct memory at the age of 14 when my mom collapsed into my arms into an emotional heap sobbing from her gut over my dad's infidelity. I clearly remember telling her, without emotion, to divorce him. Instead, she placated and cajoled him while he was living outside our home for a couple months two-timing my mother with his OW. My mother even began listening frequently with my dad to the musical artist that my dad's OW introduced him to (gag!). My dad was mean to me because I told my mom to leave him. My mom did not defend me because all she cared about was winning back my dad's affections. Several years after my dad died (and I was in my early 30's), my mom said to me, "See all of the property I would have given up if I left your dad?" Even then, I thought it was an utterly pathetic comment. My mom apparently has a lower value on herself that can be bought with possessions--that has never been me! Side note, one thing I detest is thinking of the price that xMM apparently thought was too great to give up to be genuinely with me...just petty and pathetic. My value is so much greater than material stuff.

 

I imagine, at least on some level, xMM's BS knows he is a serial cheat over 30 years of marriage; yet, there she is pretending to the world that he is so wonderful and perfect. She posted on Facebook about doves nesting outside their bedroom window (that was one day before he emailed me a picture of his penis). She'd post about her "beloved fire sign" and say how their marriage is "sacred" after he and I had carried on more than a year EA/some PA--mind you without a D-day that I am aware of. And on and on. Just makes me sick really. Is she so in denial? Does she really not care that her husband is so disrespectful (he did say some nasty comments about her sex/intelligence/etc. and, at one point, said he only cares if his job finds out about our A but didn't care if his wife did). Is maintaining an appearance/facade SO important to sacrifice like this?

 

It made me feel justified (yes, that is so totally awful I know!), fueled by my anger towards my mom for my mom lacking self-respect. Also, it was difficult to respect xMM's BS when xMM respected her so little. I know this sounds so awful, but it is honest and I am exploring it. Now, interestingly, from my A, I finally forgave my dad's OW because I am now able to consider that maybe she was lured in by charms, lies, and who knows what.

 

So now I want to really understand the psychology of why BS stay. In my mind, if I were a BS, I'd give my WW about two seconds to shape up after the initial shock and then, if I didn't see authentic progress, I'd start my exit. In the case of xMM's BS, she doesn't currently work and after 30 years she'd get a pretty nice alimony check. Also, she has a law degree so she could get gainful employment after a divorce. Yet, she stays posting about her wonderful husband who continues to diss her time and again.

[Chica80]

Thanks, Sunshinechica! I'm glad this helps you. I know you've been doing your own exploring in counseling and I invite you to comment on your journey anytime on my thread. Love and hugs!

 

Thank you...I absolutely agree that the A, is def part of a bigger picture. A bigger need that we keep trying to fix. Because I internally thought if things had ended how I wanted them to end or turnout, the expectations of it all, somehow it would fix these deeper wounds. But no it wont it actually makes the wound bigger.

 

What you said about power resonates so much!

I don't think MM does it consciously, maliciously or intentionally I really don't. But something about what you said really stuck out to me.

[Chica80]

FMS, thanks for posting. My opinion is do your best to release the shame, because shame keeps you stuck in the muck. I am going to confess something here...may not sound nice but it is honest. I wonder how many OW/OM might share similar feelings, however unpopular. Whereas you felt shame as OW because you saw how your dad's infidelity tore up your mom, I felt anger and disrespect towards xMM's BS because I projected my own mother's weakness onto her. I have a distinct memory at the age of 14 when my mom collapsed into my arms into an emotional heap sobbing from her gut over my dad's infidelity. I clearly remember telling her, without emotion, to divorce him. Instead, she placated and cajoled him while he was living outside our home for a couple months two-timing my mother with his OW. My mother even began listening frequently with my dad to the musical artist that my dad's OW introduced him to (gag!). My dad was mean to me because I told my mom to leave him. My mom did not defend me because all she cared about was winning back my dad's affections. Several years after my dad died (and I was in my early 30's), my mom said to me, "See all of the property I would have given up if I left your dad?" Even then, I thought it was an utterly pathetic comment. My mom apparently has a lower value on herself that can be bought with possessions--that has never been me! Side note, one thing I detest is thinking of the price that xMM apparently thought was too great to give up to be genuinely with me...just petty and pathetic. My value is so much greater than material stuff.

 

I imagine, at least on some level, xMM's BS knows he is a serial cheat over 30 years of marriage; yet, there she is pretending to the world that he is so wonderful and perfect. She posted on Facebook about doves nesting outside their bedroom window (that was one day before he emailed me a picture of his penis). She'd post about her "beloved fire sign" and say how their marriage is "sacred" after he and I had carried on more than a year EA/some PA--mind you without a D-day that I am aware of. And on and on. Just makes me sick really. Is she so in denial? Does she really not care that her husband is so disrespectful (he did say some nasty comments about her sex/intelligence/etc. and, at one point, said he only cares if his job finds out about our A but didn't care if his wife did). Is maintaining an appearance/facade SO important to sacrifice like this?

 

It made me feel justified (yes, that is so totally awful I know!), fueled by my anger towards my mom for my mom lacking self-respect. Also, it was difficult to respect xMM's BS when xMM respected her so little. I know this sounds so awful, but it is honest and I am exploring it. Now, interestingly, from my A, I finally forgave my dad's OW because I am now able to consider that maybe she was lured in by charms, lies, and who knows what.

 

So now I want to really understand the psychology of why BS stay. In my mind, if I were a BS, I'd give my WW about two seconds to shape up after the initial shock and then, if I didn't see authentic progress, I'd start my exit. In the case of xMM's BS, she doesn't currently work and after 30 years she'd get a pretty nice alimony check. Also, she has a law degree so she could get gainful employment after a divorce. Yet, she stays posting about her wonderful husband who continues to diss her time and again.

 

Weird... I feel the same thing. Only because it makes me angry in a strange way that I can't seem to understand. Like open your eyes!!.

 

He'd stay out all night a couple times. 1or 2 am......5am....

 

He has had bite marks and scratch marks.

And I think to myself.. I would never put up with that. WTF are you doing staying out all night? Ummm what!

 

But wait I did, didn't I put up lying, and cheating and betraying. It's strange how I think I would react on the other side...but wouldn't stand up for myself on this side.

 

 

Right now I don't understand any of it.

Edited May 22, 2017 by Sunshinechica

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Thank you...I absolutely agree that the A, is def part of a bigger picture. A bigger need that we keep trying to fix. Because I internally thought if things had ended how I wanted them to end or turnout, the expectations of it all, somehow it would fix these deeper wounds. But no it wont it actually makes the wound bigger.

 

I think this is what my counselor refers to as our story. I understand that in psychology a person repeats patterns from old wounds in an attempt to go back and fix them...if we can take the same situation but give it a different (storybook) ending, then we get to resolve the initial trauma from long ago. Unfortunately, as you've noted, this is almost never what happens. Instead it is exacerbated. So for true healing to occur, we have to get to the root of the issue, examine it, feel the pain, release it, accept it. What I learned in my post-A self-discovery is that children are not equipped for this process, so psychologically they employ defense mechanisms to cope. The trauma is not worked through and lies dormant only to be replayed over and over until it is properly dealt with and healed.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Weird... I feel the same thing. Only because it makes me angry in a strange way that I can't seem to understand. Like open your eyes!!.

 

He'd stay out all night a couple times. 1or 2 am......5am....

 

He has had bite marks and scratch marks.

And I think to myself.. I would never put up with that. WTF are you doing staying out all night? Ummm what!

 

But wait I did, didn't I put up lying, and cheating and betraying. It's strange how I think I would react on the other side...but wouldn't stand up for myself on this side.

 

 

Right now I don't understand any of it.

 

Exactly! And this is why I was saying this morning that the BS staying must be the opposite side of the same coin as OW/OM staying involved with MM/MW. I postulate that the reason why you might be more accepting of it as a OW is that you have more knowledge (thereby a little more control) than BS does. At least you know where he is at those hours and who he is with. She just has morbid fantasies. Do you justify that you don't have it as bad as her for these reasons?

[Chica80]

Exactly! And this is why I was saying this morning that the BS staying must be the opposite side of the same coin as OW/OM staying involved with MM/MW. I postulate that the reason why you might be more accepting of it as a OW is that you have more knowledge (thereby a little more control) than BS does. At least you know where he is at those hours and who he is with. She just has morbid fantasies. Do you justify that you don't have it as bad as her for these reasons?

 

Ya I do. I'm envious of her that they have a life together.....

At the same time I feel awful and bad for her.

 

I'm not sure if you're aware our A started before they were married. So their whole marraige.

 

There's like these parts: the part that's envious of her what she has.

The part that feels bad for her and is angry about it

And that part that's selfish that says but I need this fix my pain......because really that's what I was trying to fix.

 

Rescue me, love me, take care of me.....