EA - Finally ready to share my story w/insights from counseling

[imsosad]

Re: mail about screwing you in front of his wife.

He is using a form of manipulation on you. It is called triangulation. He is creating (an imagined and false) a competition between you and his wife, he is implying you two are on the sam side 'against' her and is motivating you to prove him right.

There is nothing loving,caring or flattering about that sentence. It is pure manipulation, and that is without stating the obvious-he is being shockingly disrespectful to his wife. Dont take it as a sign he will leave her for you, rather,it is a sign of his bad boundries.

Be smart. Do not fall for it. Only pain awaiting you down the road with this guy.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Re: mail about screwing you in front of his wife.

He is using a form of manipulation on you. It is called triangulation. He is creating (an imagined and false) a competition between you and his wife, he is implying you two are on the sam side 'against' her and is motivating you to prove him right.

There is nothing loving,caring or flattering about that sentence. It is pure manipulation, and that is without stating the obvious-he is being shockingly disrespectful to his wife. Dont take it as a sign he will leave her for you, rather,it is a sign of his bad boundries.

Be smart. Do not fall for it. Only pain awaiting you down the road with this guy.

 

Yep, more of the same...pain all the way! He underestimates me! Wonder if he is squirming, angry, or calculating since this is the first time I've gone nc on him...first time I've never responded to him. So grateful for all you folks at LS helping me stay strong! Today is 3 weeks since I last communicated, and 1 week since his last communication. This morning I read his last couple emails from previous weeks and they didn't have such an effect on me...hooray! Progress!!!!!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You don't know the truth about their relationship, only what he has told you. And all MM say they are "unhappy" with their marriage.

 

That comment about Fing you in front of W so she could see how it was done?

 

I thought you didn't sleep with him yet? How does he know how you F&*k?

 

He is planting a thought into your mind, wanting you to go "there" and prove him right, you know how to F*@k better than her.

What a class act.

 

Run, Forrest, Run.

 

Correct...I have not slept with him. In fact he's been saying his "head won't let him" because he "can't give me everything in life." Seems from this last email he was about to move in for the kill. On reflection, I suspect his sentence about his head not letting him was his way of making me trust him more plus a set up for later blame shifting (something like "I know we just slept together but remember I told you I can't give you everything"). I assume dysfunction in the marriage, because how can there not be dysfunction with MM running around behind his wife's back...and everyone else's? Thank you for your comment!

[elaine567]

2nd part of email was sexual ending with this little gem, "Fantasizing f*cking u in front of my wife so she can see how it's really done., Just a fantasy, sorry, but I really like sharing with u whats in my mind."

 

Total lack of empathy for his wife.

Not a person you would want to have anything to do with.

 

Imsosad is correct - some other info on Triangulation

[Ruffian1]

I assume dysfunction in the marriage, because how can there not be dysfunction with MM running around behind his wife's back...

 

Could be:

 

Because he wanted to

Likes the ego boost you provide

Because he can

Because he's done it before and likes cake and ice cream too.

 

Maybe, just a wild thought here,

 

he could be the dysfunction in the M, being manipulative and cheating and displaying the disrespectful, crap behavior that goes with it

 

Healthy choices? Work on his M or Leave, file for D, then screw around with someone else.

 

You should forward that ugly email to his W, lol

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Today makes 3 & 1/2 weeks NC on my part with MM. 3 & 1/2 weeks is the longest we have ever gone without being in contact since this started Aug 2015. He disappeared twice previously: 3 & 1/2 weeks in Oct 2015 and 2 weeks Feb 2016 until I broke down and contacted him both times. So this is the longest I've ever gone. I don't have any desire to contact him nor respond to any of his written communications (only 1 a week and half ago from him this whole 3 & 1/2 weeks). I don't know if I'd answer a phone call. I still wish all the time he'd try to reach me...guess he really doesn't give a crap, huh? Not like anything is stopping him...no dday, etc. But a blessing in disguise I suppose since makes easier to let go. Hopefully that desire is gone soon, too! **sigh**

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Aaaack! Woke up this morning with an achy heart and STRONG urge to contact! Been feeling so good with NC over these past weeks and all of a sudden...bam! The urge washed over me...but I haven't and won't. Been reading posts here like crazy and the urge remains. Is it typical to feel great for a while, then all of a sudden from nowhere get a strong urge to contact? Please help.

[Patrice]

from this clown. He isn't who you thought he was ...

[HeCantBreakMe]

Aaaack! Woke up this morning with an achy heart and STRONG urge to contact! Been feeling so good with NC over these past weeks and all of a sudden...bam! The urge washed over me...but I haven't and won't. Been reading posts here like crazy and the urge remains. Is it typical to feel great for a while, then all of a sudden from nowhere get a strong urge to contact? Please help.

 

Oh yes TOTALLY normal!!! Just walk through the urges- let them come and scream in your head to contact him. They can't hurt you the memories cannot touch you - they can only hurt you if you feed them and give them what they want. It is a process- up and down, up and down, eventually it will even out but it takes time. Give that to yourself.

 

Keep walking-I keep thinking of that song "these boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do"

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Well, guess what my LS friends? Just saw pictures of the trip to Europe on wife's Facebook. Remember the email he sent on his arrival back home about 1) he didn't contact me during his trip because he's so depressed about leaving his daughter at college, and 2) he wants to f*ck me in front of his wife to show her how it's done?

 

Well the Europe pictures tell a different story! He's smiles in every single one of them. Not just standing next to daughter but also standing next to wife...all smiles! And wife commenting what a happy family time they had. She commented to daughter that she says same things dad does. Not a problem that they are a happy family...just a huge problem that he's led me on for over a year during his happy family life!

 

Before he left he emailed me that "he" was taking his daughter away to college. Not that they were going as a family, which is what a reasonable person expects unless led to believe otherwise!

 

What a TOTAL.FREAKING.SCUMBAG!!! I still have urge to contact, but now it's to give a piece of my mind! Still won't though...still won't...ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

from this clown. He isn't who you thought he was ...

 

Patrice, you are soooo right! Look at what I just posted about his recent trip to Europe with wife and daughter.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Oh yes TOTALLY normal!!! Just walk through the urges- let them come and scream in your head to contact him. They can't hurt you the memories cannot touch you - they can only hurt you if you feed them and give them what they want. It is a process- up and down, up and down, eventually it will even out but it takes time. Give that to yourself.

 

Keep walking-I keep thinking of that song "these boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do"

 

Love you for this! Thank you. After seeing these European family vacation pictures, I feel like I want to give him a swift kick in the nuts as hard as I can! What a dishonest, lying sack of caca this guy is!

[carhill]

As long as the emotions flow, the connection is still there. If you want the EA, and this expression of anger, to end lose the contact means, toss the bookmarks, actively forget his name.

 

If you don't want to do this, I understand. Been down that road myself, decades ago. It can go on for years. Eat away at one's life. YMMV.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Love you for this! Thank you. After seeing these European family vacation pictures, I feel like I want to give him a swift kick in the nuts as hard as I can! What a dishonest, lying sack of caca this guy is!

 

Yup and he sounds like such a lovely role model for how a man should be- great thing his daughter has him to look up to. SMH.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

As long as the emotions flow, the connection is still there. If you want the EA, and this expression of anger, to end lose the contact means, toss the bookmarks, actively forget his name.

 

If you don't want to do this, I understand. Been down that road myself, decades ago. It can go on for years. Eat away at one's life. YMMV.

 

I totally hear you Carhill. It's just that I needed to see this so I can end all delusions and never look back wondering what if...because there's no what if when the truth is staring you back in the face in pictures! One thing I can say for sure is his wife is totally oblivious to what he's doing from the closer look I took on her Facebook. That's one thing I wondered about...does she know he cheats? Does she go along with it? Looks like he fully exploits her naivety! Going to have to think about clue-ing her in for her own sake...going to think long and hard about whether that is the best course of action. It's a little better that kids are grown and out of the house so they would not be subject to direct fall out...but not sure if better to inform wife or not. Ignorance is bliss...or is it?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Yup and he sounds like such a lovely role model for how a man should be- great thing his daughter has him to look up to. SMH.

 

He's definitely an expert at compartmentalizing! There are loads of recent pictures with his adorable 19 year old daughter hugging him tight with smiles.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Here's my rewritten history:

 

He heavily persued me for three months until I made it clear there would be no hanky panky...not even a peek at my breasts. He dialed down the pursuit but kept up enough contact mixed with lots of stonewalling so he could keep me on standby and perhaps try to conquer by a slower approach (seems from his last email he was preparing to move in for the kill...saying how great I would be in bed and how terrible is wife is). His disappearance in Feb was probably due to my stating I had feelings for him...probably made him uncomfortable, he possibly recommitted to wife around then (because she changed her Facebook status to "in a relationship" with lots of friends congratulating her around that time), plus he got to skip over Valentine's Day. Things were pretty hunky dory with happy wife and agreeable side piece until, ut oh! Forgot side piece's (me) birthday in June! Lots of manipulative maneuvering to try to get his way out of that without having to actually do anything, but somehow side piece never 100% back to how she was before and just won't let this birthday thing go. Oh well, start looking for replacements to bang in between playing happy husband at home and emailing side piece to suck out whatever he could for as long as he could milk it. Now he's not contacting because he's either realized nothing left to milk or trouble is brewing.

 

That's MY story and I'm sticking to it!

Edited October 13, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

As long as the emotions flow, the connection is still there. If you want the EA, and this expression of anger, to end lose the contact means, toss the bookmarks, actively forget his name.

 

If you don't want to do this, I understand. Been down that road myself, decades ago. It can go on for years. Eat away at one's life. YMMV.

 

Carhill, after these last couple days in hindsight, I want to give you additional credit for your post, and I hope it helps anyone who reads this.

 

Reviewing those pics on wife's Facebook did send me into a tailspin for the entire day (Thursday) and I was up most of Thursday night because of it, too. That made my Friday pretty crappy and very unproductive...only accomplished one thing out of many I should have. It was a backslide and left me emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually drained. I was really coming back to myself earlier in the week until Thursday I woke with some heartache. I gave into the heartache by checking into the Facebook. Digging my way back out now. I think it was good that I saw him smiles with arm around wife in two pictures on recent trip so I don't lie to myself that they are "roommates," but I paid a hefty price for that. Plus, I still have moments when I think they were putting on a show for daughter. Is that even possible? Am I so screwed in the head to think that? I will be so happy the day this doesn't suck my energy anymore.

 

I am very grateful to all who have taken the time to read my posts and reply!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I was literally in tears this morning because I had a couple bills to pay, very important ones, and I totally spaced and forgot...because I'm worked up on this stupid A. Last night I remembered I needed to do this first thing in morning, then this morning I totally forgot. I cried and prayed for help because I feel out of control of my mind and life. I don't want the MM. I just want my life back. I need to know, please, is this part of the process of letting go? I'm really concerned for my mental health since I seem to have lost my ability to remember very important things or think clearly. Has anyone else experienced this degree of mental incapacitation when coming out of A fog? Or am I more severe like I should consult a psychiatrist besides continuing counseling?

Edited October 15, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Onlywhenitrains]

I was literally in tears this morning because I had a couple bills to pay, very important ones, and I totally spaced and forgot...because I'm worked up on this stupid A. Last night I remembered I needed to do this first thing in morning, then this morning I totally forgot. I cried and prayed for help because I feel out of control of my mind and life. I don't want the MM. I just want my life back. I need to know, please, is this part of the process of letting go? I'm really concerned for my mental health since I seem to have lost my ability to remember very important things or think clearly. Has anyone else experienced this degree of mental incapacitation when coming out of A fog? Or am I more severe like I should consult a psychiatrist besides continuing counseling?

 

 

OP,

 

From what I've read here IC usually helps if you can do it. I haven't tried it.

 

I know how you feel, as I did feel that way. And, there are days when I still do sometimes.

 

In the first few weeks after break-up(s), I couldn't function either. I was barely able to function at work, would come home, lie on the bed, and cry most of the time. I couldn't go through the mail, didn't wanna talk to anyone unless I had to, and yes!! couldn't remember things I have to do. I didn't really care, either. I just wanted to crawl into bed, cry, and sleep. Or, even better disappear. It was total darkness. God, I feel horrible even remembering it right now!!!

 

I posted here, wrote in journal....eventually, started forcing myself to get out of the house, and just do things....anything. All kinds of activities that would sufficiently exhaust me, so that at the end of the day I'm tired and just went to bed. The key for me in the beginning was to spend as little time as possible just alone with myself, so to speak.

 

It gets better with time. I'm nowhere close to healing, but as time passes you start seeing things with a little more clarity each day, and you start remembering your life before the A. First it was just glimpses of who I was before all of this, but then they start to last a little longer each time.

 

I still have bad days, or weeks. But, it's not total darkness and numbness. It gets better, but it gets better slowly.

 

Wish you all the best! It will get better!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP,

 

From what I've read here IC usually helps if you can do it. I haven't tried it.

 

I know how you feel, as I did feel that way. And, there are days when I still do sometimes.

 

In the first few weeks after break-up(s), I couldn't function either. I was barely able to function at work, would come home, lie on the bed, and cry most of the time. I couldn't go through the mail, didn't wanna talk to anyone unless I had to, and yes!! couldn't remember things I have to do. I didn't really care, either. I just wanted to crawl into bed, cry, and sleep. Or, even better disappear. It was total darkness. God, I feel horrible even remembering it right now!!!

 

I posted here, wrote in journal....eventually, started forcing myself to get out of the house, and just do things....anything. All kinds of activities that would sufficiently exhaust me, so that at the end of the day I'm tired and just went to bed. The key for me in the beginning was to spend as little time as possible just alone with myself, so to speak.

 

It gets better with time. I'm nowhere close to healing, but as time passes you start seeing things with a little more clarity each day, and you start remembering your life before the A. First it was just glimpses of who I was before all of this, but then they start to last a little longer each time.

 

I still have bad days, or weeks. But, it's not total darkness and numbness. It gets better, but it gets better slowly.

 

Wish you all the best! It will get better!

 

Thank you. Thank you for letting me know I'm sort of normal in this. Can't write more right now. I'm depressed and angry for not being able to put this where it belongs yet...behind me. Sigh

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You win.

You got what you wanted in the end.

It was never a contest for me.

I just wanted to believe.

That you would feel and see

What I did, what could be.

I came to you with energy of Spring

But found you in winter, cold and harsh.

You cast your bitterness on me

Left me empty, hungry and parched.

I put you on a pedestal but now I feel raw and used.

I loved you more than anyone, my reward was abuse.

You carved up my heart and made it din din.

But I won't give you chance to do it again.

Now I'm in pieces

Broken and can't find all the parts

To you I'm just another in your collection of broken hearts.

Why did you punish me for loving you?

Why are you ok with doing what you do?

I'm someone's daughter just like yours.

Do you see all women like disposable whores?

Will you be happy when someone treats your daughters the way you've treated me?

You gave me pain when I gave you empathy.

It was never a competition for me

But for you it was only zero sum

I wanted to lift you up

You wanted me to feel dumb.

For wanting you I was punished.

For caring for you I was punished.

For desiring you I was punished.

For loving you I was punished!

[Adoraxx]

You win.

You got what you wanted in the end.

It was never a contest for me.

I just wanted to believe.

That you would feel and see

What I did, what could be.

I came to you with energy of Spring

But found you in winter, cold and harsh.

You cast your bitterness on me

Left me empty, hungry and parched.

I put you on a pedestal but now I feel raw and used.

I loved you more than anyone, my reward was abuse.

You carved up my heart and made it din din.

But I won't give you chance to do it again.

Now I'm in pieces

Broken and can't find all the parts

To you I'm just another in your collection of broken hearts.

Why did you punish me for loving you?

Why are you ok with doing what you do?

I'm someone's daughter just like yours.

Do you see all women like disposable whores?

Will you be happy when someone treats your daughters the way you've treated me?

You gave me pain when I gave you empathy.

It was never a competition for me

But for you it was only zero sum

I wanted to lift you up

You wanted me to feel dumb.

For wanting you I was punished.

For caring for you I was punished.

For desiring you I was punished.

For loving you I was punished!

 

it really says it all ((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))

[HadMeOverABarrel]

it really says it all ((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))

 

Thank you Adoraxx! (((((((Hugs back at you)))))))

 

I have been watching YouTube videos on personality disorders and am realizing this guy played games with my head. Painful realization.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I found the following article to be incredibly enlightening, and ultimately healing because it helped me to de-personalize MM's actions. Less personal= greater understanding = less pain = faster healing. I'm posting it in hopes it will help others:

 

Borderline Personality Disorder: Profile and Process of Therapy