Why don't women just ask guys out to make dating much easier in general?

[Sunkissedpatio]

I've seen a whole lot of the same women on some of the online dating sites that I saw long ago when I went back on it recently. I deleted all the sites now though & have kept Tinder/Bumble but I'm trying to scale back from using those for a bit. I just think due to the amount of people on online dating, I feel they're looking for that perfect person to appear which will never happen. As some others said, meeting someone in person would be way better than trying through online dating.

 

Yup, like you, I am seeing a whole lot of guys that were on 5 years ago when I first tried OLD (met my ex on there). They will all likely still be on there if we check 5 years from now. I couldn't wait to get the heck out of OLD last time around, was on there a few months then as I was about to pull my profile down I met my ex.

 

There are the perpetual "unicorn chasers" as I like to call them and then there are those that are more open to the process. I like to think I am in latter category. Having said that, I am probably not emotionally at the point I need to be to date seriously so I will likely shut mine down too, but I am seeing there is a lot of opportunity for me this time around not because I am some kind of knockout but probably because I haven't listed a laundry lists of requirements, in fact no requirements at all other than keeping it light and funny, and because I am open to the process (on paper) I think I'll be truly open to it months down the line.

 

The thing I learned about OLD is that numbers does not = success. I would rather have tumbleweed for weeks and then out of the blue appear the one guy that really catches my interest vs message after message of guys throwing mud on a wall to see what sticks. It's all in how you approach it and it's easy to get discouraged if you don't get any hits at all. I can't say I know what that feels like, but I can imagine it must feel crappy. Just remember though numbers doesn't equal better. Take it from the women who are getting the numbers.

 

It's like Carhill said, even if women were asking men out more that doesn't guarantee you will be asked out by the kinds of women you actually want to date. That is what usually happens to us, sure we get a lot more asks but are they really what we want?

[Buddhist]

Re: Original question.

 

Because the world is not going to change to make your life easier.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I do think they should add an option to auto-match any women that swipes right on your profile on dating apps like Tinder and Bumble. After all, a lot of average guys pretty much just swipe right on every woman because at best, we only get a few matches per day. Maybe make this option a premium feature.

 

See but hearing something like this is not very encouraging to women either so basically you go for all the plan Bs because all the ones you actually wanted didn't bite.

 

This is precisely why I feel like OLD goes against everything that is needed for romance to thrive. It's like a lot of people are forcing it out of desperation and probably why so many dates just turn out to be flaky wastes of time.

[AMJ]

Yeah but, romance is more for women anyway.

 

So in that sense, OLD is better for men. It's all business.

[NJ123]

See but hearing something like this is not very encouraging to women either so basically you go for all the plan Bs because all the ones you actually wanted didn't bite.

 

This is precisely why I feel like OLD goes against everything that is needed for romance to thrive. It's like a lot of people are forcing it out of desperation and probably why so many dates just turn out to be flaky wastes of time.

 

I'd assume the guys wouldn't bother with those women unless he's really desperate. As he said a lot of guys just swipe right to everyone just to see what options one has. I admittedly used to do this all the time myself, but I always felt bad when someone I wasn't attracted to messaged me & I didn't want to bother. So I try not to or rarely go on a right swiping spree anymore.

 

I don't hear many people getting into relationships through OLD. It's usually always hookups or just going on dates but never leading to relationships most of the time.

[NJ123]

Yeah but, romance is more for women anyway.

 

So in that sense, OLD is better for men. It's all business.

 

Not sure what you mean by this? Are you implying men use OLD for hookups/casual while women are looking for something serious through it?

[AMJ]

Not sure what you mean by this? Are you implying men use OLD for hookups/casual while women are looking for something serious through it?

 

Sometimes men use OLD for hooking up, and sometimes they are looking for relationships. What I meant was, that most men don't really care much for romance. OLD is about as romantic as eating at Olive Garden. So therefore, its a way to meet women that allows men not to worry about creating romance.

[NJ123]

Sometimes men use OLD for hooking up, and sometimes they are looking for relationships. What I meant was, that most men don't really care much for romance. OLD is about as romantic as eating at Olive Garden. So therefore, its a way to meet women that allows men not to worry about creating romance.

 

True, which is possibly another reason why a lot of women are so picky with their preferences with it. They maybe feel it's only going to be worth their while trying to find an upper tier guy in most/all areas if it's through online dating due to the lack of romantic aspect to it compared to out in the real world where they're way more lenient on things.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yeah but, romance is more for women anyway.

 

So in that sense, OLD is better for men. It's all business.

 

Excellent point, OLD is SUPER transactional so it does favour men more.

 

 

I don't hear many people getting into relationships through OLD. It's usually always hookups or just going on dates but never leading to relationships most of the time.

 

I can't speak to that since I am super new to OLD this time around, had three dates lined up and only went through with one, the other two we spoke further and there were red flags so no go. And then I've been out on a date with a guy I met out a few weekends ago but he was from out of town and was here for the film festival, that was super fun but it was never going to lead to more since he wasn't from here.

 

In my mere month on OLD I feel it has changed quite a bit, people seem more distracted and fickle than ever. Having said that, I'm not emotionally invested because I am emotionally unavailable still so it could be my doing entirely the energy I am putting out. I have to take some ownership for my experience.

 

I don't think Tinder is a place to meet relationship people but I have a male friend on there who is meeting and dating seriously through it. He is very confident and good looking and he is not on there to hook up so that makes a huge difference, if the guy is there for serious reasons. I think the assumption overall is that Tinder is strictly hook-ups. Again, can't say for sure no desire to try that out.

 

What about okCupid or POF in your area?

Edited September 29, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[AMJ]

True, which is possibly another reason why a lot of women are so picky with their preferences with it. They maybe feel it's only going to be worth their while trying to find an upper tier guy in most/all areas if it's through online dating due to the lack of romantic aspect to it compared to out in the real world where they're way more lenient on things.

 

which is why all the guys on your other thread kept telling you to get off OLD....

[NJ123]

Excellent point, OLD is SUPER transactional so it does favour men more.

 

 

 

 

I can't speak to that since I am super new to OLD this time around, had three dates lined up and only went through with one, the other two we spoke further and there were red flags so no go. And then I've been out on a date with a guy I met out a few weekends ago but he was from out of town and was here for the film festival, that was super fun but it was never going to lead to more since he wasn't from here.

 

In my mere month on OLD I feel it has changed quite a bit, people seem more distracted and fickle than ever. Having said that, I'm not emotionally invested because I am emotionally unavailable still so it could be my doing entirely the energy I am putting out. I have to take some ownership for my experience.

 

I don't think Tinder is a place to meet relationship people but I have a male friend on there who is meeting and dating seriously through it. He is very confident and good looking and he is not on there to hook up so that makes a huge difference, if the guy is there for serious reasons. I think the assumption overall is that Tinder is strictly hook-ups. Again, can't say for sure no desire to try that out.

 

What about okCupid or POF in your area?

 

Those are the 2 I tried & deleted. Every woman except for one I messaged would just view my profile & never respond. The one that did just stopped messaging me. A lot of the women on there though I just wouldn't be interested in due to either not being attracted or them having kids or the tone of their profiles turning me off completely.

 

And Tinder is mainly used as a hookup app supposedly. I think it's more relationship oriented than before but I think it's still likely more of a hookup app than for relationships though. Bumble I think is for something more serious, and women actually have to make the first messages on there within 24 hours or the match expires.

[NJ123]

which is why all the guys on your other thread kept telling you to get off OLD....

 

I know & I deleted OKCupid & POF. I just have Tinder/Bumble now where I don't have to spend a lot of time on since for the most part it's just about swiping left or right.

[Sunkissedpatio]

How's Bumble working for you? I'm curious about the whole concept.

 

Like others have said maybe OLD isn't the best venue for you. I find with a lot of male profiles I bet they would have better luck if they let a trusted female friend pic photos of them and if they put a bit of effort into their profiles other than just rhyming off a bunch of adjectives they feel they are and saying they are funny and not demonstrating it.

 

Then there are those who claim to be funny and their profiles are full of sarcasm that isn't funny at all just making them look very negative and bitter. All complete turn-offs. Then the ones that post the pics of them and their buddies and they are usually the least attractive of the bunch, note to self if you are going to post a group pic make sure the others are way less attractive than you lol

 

Or pics that are far away specs, or too many action shots and nothing concrete where you can see the face and body.

 

I'm sure you are not doing those things, but sometimes it takes having others look at your profile for feedback and one small tweak can really make a difference.

[NJ123]

How's Bumble working for you? I'm curious about the whole concept.

 

Like others have said maybe OLD isn't the best venue for you. I find with a lot of male profiles I bet they would have better luck if they let a trusted female friend pic photos of them and if they put a bit of effort into their profiles other than just rhyming off a bunch of adjectives they feel they are and saying they are funny and not demonstrating it.

 

Then there are those who claim to be funny and their profiles are full of sarcasm that isn't funny at all just making them look very negative and bitter. All complete turn-offs. Then the ones that post the pics of them and their buddies and they are usually the least attractive of the bunch, note to self if you are going to post a group pic make sure the others are way less attractive than you lol

 

Or pics that are far away specs, or too many action shots and nothing concrete where you can see the face and body.

 

I'm sure you are not doing those things, but sometimes it takes having others look at your profile for feedback and one small tweak can really make a difference.

 

I've gotten matches here & there but not too many since I've made my profile on there again. I get more matches on Tinder than Bumble overall. Bumble & Tinder are pretty much the same thing with the exception that women are forced to send a message first or else the match expires. And the guy has 24 hours to reply to that message or the match expires on that as well. I just am pretty sure Bumble is way more intended for something serious compared to Tinder though.

 

lol and I've seen the same thing with women actually surprisingly. Where they would post pictures with their female friends & they would be the least attractive of all of them. I just think like why do they do that on an app that's based strictly on looks to begin with?

 

And I'm sure I could probably improve my photos in some areas. But it just seems like OLD works against me as you said almost completely due to my personal situation at the moment. A lot of women seem to want top tier guys in most areas through OLD compared to being more lenient in real life.

[superconfusedguy]

I don't get why it has to be the way it is for. It feels like in 2016 the whole entire structure of dating has changed due to social media & online dating apps, but the one thing that would probably improve things is if women would finally start asking guys out just as much as men ask women out. I just don't get why they don't do it, or not anywhere as much as men do.

 

Some women do ask men out. The vast majority definitely don't though.

 

In my opinion, this isn't a bad thing. If they did, I doubt they would be asking me or you out regularly. They would just ask out the super good-looking guys. We'd actually be worse off.

[superconfusedguy]

It's not cliche and it may not be fair but it is what it is.

No different than heavy women getting cast aside for being over weight etc. It's a cruel world out there but people like what they like.

 

Believe it or not some men don't like to be chased and every woman at some point has encountered that. Men can be very territorial, again look at how threatened some men feel by a woman's past. The same reason that a woman comes on to a guy and makes him hers, can come back to bite her in the butt by that man who will question just how forward she has been in the past with guys. A lot of men still judge women on how "slutty" she is.

 

This is true and is actually standard advice from my married friends (both male and female). Typically, it goes something like this "If she does that with you, she does that with everybody". To be fair, based on my experiences, this assertion isn't completely off-base.

[basil67]

OLD works against me as you said almost completely due to my personal situation at the moment. A lot of women seem to want top tier guys in most areas through OLD compared to being more lenient in real life.

 

Women reject you because of your personal situation. Meanwhile, you reject women who you're not attracted to, have kids or see other red flags in their profile.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that you also do your share of rejecting for reasons which they can't necessarily help.

[superconfusedguy]

If you want to be put in situations where you are surrounded by others that want what you want, try speed dating or singles events. Join Meet-ups. I've joined singles ones, been to networking ones for business and they were great. Just haven't had the chance to attend any singles events yet been too busy but I will. You have to be out there with likeminded people. Being out there socially isn't enough.

 

If you join a Tae kwon do class hoping to get women, sure you are sharing an interest but most women there aren't there to meet their next husband they are there to practice the sport so they might find it off-putting to be hit on.

 

If you take a salsa class where lots of singles usually go to learn to dance but also to be paired up with a partner of the opposite sex, chances are they are more open to meeting other singles. Seriously look at the Meetups in your area for singles only and join the groups if interest that you think are fun there are hundreds of them. Look at photos of the members and see which ones appeal to you. For the mere fact of being there with others that are there for the very same reason you are, you're winning the half the battle already.

 

There are other answers to your problem other than hearing the doorbell ring and hoping it is your next date at the door.

 

I've been trying this and I've found that singles events are pretty terrible overall. I lived in a big metro area and have found that most single events are filled with old women. Most salsa/ballroom dancing Meetups are exclusively couples only.

 

I've had some ideas on ways to meet women IRL, but they've mostly failed so far. I have a few more ideas so we'll see.

 

It appears to be OLD or bust, which is paints a very grim picture for us short men (who are routinely discriminated against online).

[superconfusedguy]

Women reject you because of your personal situation. Meanwhile, you reject women who you're not attracted to, have kids or see other red flags in their profile.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that you also do your share of rejecting for reasons which they can't necessarily help.

 

To be fair, single motherhood is a choice as much as living with your parents at 30 is a choice.

[superconfusedguy]

How's Bumble working for you? I'm curious about the whole concept.

 

Like others have said maybe OLD isn't the best venue for you. I find with a lot of male profiles I bet they would have better luck if they let a trusted female friend pic photos of them and if they put a bit of effort into their profiles other than just rhyming off a bunch of adjectives they feel they are and saying they are funny and not demonstrating it.

 

Then there are those who claim to be funny and their profiles are full of sarcasm that isn't funny at all just making them look very negative and bitter. All complete turn-offs. Then the ones that post the pics of them and their buddies and they are usually the least attractive of the bunch, note to self if you are going to post a group pic make sure the others are way less attractive than you lol

 

Or pics that are far away specs, or too many action shots and nothing concrete where you can see the face and body.

 

I'm sure you are not doing those things, but sometimes it takes having others look at your profile for feedback and one small tweak can really make a difference.

 

This doesn't necessarily work either. I spent some time on OLD about 4-5 years ago. I had a ton of people (both male and female) look at my profile and change things around. Nothing worked.

 

If you're short and don't photograph well, nothing will really help you.

[superconfusedguy]

Sometimes men use OLD for hooking up, and sometimes they are looking for relationships. What I meant was, that most men don't really care much for romance. OLD is about as romantic as eating at Olive Garden. So therefore, its a way to meet women that allows men not to worry about creating romance.

 

I used to be pretty romantic. In my experience, women don't really like it at all. I remember I got this girl that I liked a rose one time. She seemed to like the gesture and hugged me. It never went anywhere. I felt pretty stupid.

 

I came to believe that women see romance as needy and desperate. Maybe this is just something that occurs in my generation (millennial).

 

Excellent point, OLD is SUPER transactional so it does favour men more.

 

Yeah, OLD definitely does not favor men more. From what I've seen, women like transactional models way more than men. Look at how much women shop and how much of the marketing is dedicated to them. There's a reason for that.

 

I can't speak to that since I am super new to OLD this time around, had three dates lined up and only went through with one, the other two we spoke further and there were red flags so no go. And then I've been out on a date with a guy I met out a few weekends ago but he was from out of town and was here for the film festival, that was super fun but it was never going to lead to more since he wasn't from here.

 

How can you possibly say that OLD favors men when you are easily able to get three dates, while most men struggle?

 

In my mere month on OLD I feel it has changed quite a bit, people seem more distracted and fickle than ever. Having said that, I'm not emotionally invested because I am emotionally unavailable still so it could be my doing entirely the energy I am putting out. I have to take some ownership for my experience.

 

I don't think Tinder is a place to meet relationship people but I have a male friend on there who is meeting and dating seriously through it. He is very confident and good looking and he is not on there to hook up so that makes a huge difference, if the guy is there for serious reasons. I think the assumption overall is that Tinder is strictly hook-ups. Again, can't say for sure no desire to try that out.

 

What about okCupid or POF in your area?

 

Do you really think your friend is successful on Tinder because he's not looking to hookup?

 

It's obviously because he's good-looking.

[superconfusedguy]

which is why all the guys on your other thread kept telling you to get off OLD....

 

Most women are on OLD these days. You are advising the undesirable men (myself included) to get off of what is probably our best chance at finding someone.

 

[]

Edited September 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

To be fair, single motherhood is a choice as much as living with your parents at 30 is a choice.

 

I don't think either of these things are always lifestyle choice.

 

I think the majority single mothers would not be single by choice. I think many of them would much prefer for their marriages to have succeeded or for their partners to be alive.

 

Likewise, a 30yo can also possibly be at home due to extenuating circumstances. Having lost all their money due to no fault of his own, being a carer for disabled or aging parents, having lost their job or marriage and needing a bit of time at home while they get back on their feet. I've seen numerous posts where a person is in an abusive relationship with no money and we tell them to go home to where it's safe and they can recover. I don't see any of these things as being a lifestyle choice.

Edited September 29, 2016 by basil67

[Acacia98]

You don't realize how hard it is for guys to approach especially if they're shy/introverted. And they just get cast aside because of that. There's a reason so many guys are really inexperienced into older ages compared to women & than a lot of women hold it against the guy for being so.

 

I'm one woman who has no problem asking a guy out in the best of worlds. But I've noticed this: in my cultural context, a guy who's too shy and intimidated to ask me out will often be too shy to take the initiative on anything once we start dating. Alternatively, he'll start playing this manipulative game, "playing hard to get," and all that annoying stuff. I like straightforward people and situations, so these kinds of scenarios exhaust me pretty quickly. My experiences have basically taught me that the outcome is better for me (I can only speak for myself) when the guy asks me out.

[Lois_Griffin]

Admittedly, I've never had to ask a guy out in my entire life. They've always come to me.

 

The simple answer to why women don't ask men out (at least in my experience) is that we don't have to.