In need of support/ / to do what I need to

[HeCantBreakMe]

24 hours done!!!

 

 

Gone to doctor to get some Valium to help with my anxiety and overload. Hope that makes it easier.

 

Good for you! How are you feeling about things with you and your husband? The more you get this guy (MM) out of your head the better it will be for you to make decisions about your marriage. What are you doing to take steps to figure this out?

 

Also, you keep saying your MM is moved out and the marriage is over but i don't know if i believe that yet. Just because he left doesn't mean divorce is happening - he could back and forth for years. Do you really want to be a part of that ping pong match?

[sadsickandscared]

I've been on anti A's before and never want to go through that withdrawal again. Valium something just to take the edge off and help me do what I need to do.

 

 

Isnt as easy as I thought it would be though. But I'm trying.

 

 

Never expected the impact its had on my self image/esteem. I'm an attractive lady I know that but at the moment I couldn't feel more ugly or just blahhh. Never thought that would hit me like that. So far its only be 1.5 days and MM is back at the work site today after taking some time off with his daughter. Sooner or later he will reach out - even just as friends so no idea how I will handle that. I am just aiming for pleasant but distant. The NC isn't about getting him to miss me etc its about me getting time and distance to start healing. BS has been incredible and letting me lean heavily on him and that actually feels nice. He is under no illusion he knows how I feel about MM but also has immense faith in the two of us and what we can fix to be a better unit. I'm not focusing on that at the moment - just taking one hour by one hour trying to get myself ok. The rest will come

[sadsickandscared]

Good for you! How are you feeling about things with you and your husband? The more you get this guy (MM) out of your head the better it will be for you to make decisions about your marriage. What are you doing to take steps to figure this out?

 

Also, you keep saying your MM is moved out and the marriage is over but i don't know if i believe that yet. Just because he left doesn't mean divorce is happening - he could back and forth for years. Do you really want to be a part of that ping pong match?

 

 

 

Re: MM - all I know is that he has taken a 12 month lease on a unit near his home. We haven't discussed his intentions. I don't know to know at the moment. Just want to worry about me. And no I have no intention of a ping pong match - but knowing him he wouldn't do that. As said he is a stubborn person once decision made doubt he will change his mind

[sadsickandscared]

Almost day 3... he hasn't reached out nor have I. There is a chance I will see him tonight but I think I have got that covered with plans with a girlfriend so no excuse to hang around.

 

 

Universe gave me an answer yesterday. I was booked for major surgery in 2 weeks and at 1.30 got an offer to have it done this Saturday. I have taken it. A break from the world on Morphine is not a bad idea and 2 -3 weeks off work recovering isn't either.

 

 

Not sure how I am feeling about MM's lack of contact. Its making life easier but at times it hits me hard as to feel so rejected and worthless and confused. But the Valium is helping take the edge off when I feel overhwlemed. So far only using it once a day. Night times aren't easy as my mind is wandering and I really miss MM

[DKT3]

Almost day 3... he hasn't reached out nor have I. There is a chance I will see him tonight but I think I have got that covered with plans with a girlfriend so no excuse to hang around.

 

 

Universe gave me an answer yesterday. I was booked for major surgery in 2 weeks and at 1.30 got an offer to have it done this Saturday. I have taken it. A break from the world on Morphine is not a bad idea and 2 -3 weeks off work recovering isn't either.

 

 

Not sure how I am feeling about MM's lack of contact. Its making life easier but at times it hits me hard as to feel so rejected and worthless and confused. But the Valium is helping take the edge off when I feel overhwlemed. So far only using it once a day. Night times aren't easy as my mind is wandering and I really miss MM

 

Hmm think of the rejection your husband must feel...but as you said that isn't your focus, your focus is on your pain that you caused, forget anyone's pain that you caused...

[sadsickandscared]

Not a fair comment - the correct one is that my focus is on my mental health at the moment.

 

 

I am well aware of the pain I have caused. But no good if I break and cant repair anything or be there for my children

[DKT3]

Not a fair comment - the correct one is that my focus is on my mental health at the moment.

 

 

I am well aware of the pain I have caused. But no good if I break and cant repair anything or be there for my children

 

Not looking to make you feel bad but the truth of the situation is you choose this, your husband didn't. Your focus should be there if it can't be then you should seriously consider letting him go.

[sadsickandscared]

I've offered that. He is also more concerned as to my state.

[DKT3]

I've offered that. He is also more concerned as to my state.

 

Does not take two people to leave a relationship, and its not like your concern is his feelings. That is obvious throughout your thread. Staying is for your benefit as is everything your doing at this point...

[ShatteredLady]

Re : Surgery on Saturday

 

 

In my experience major surgery, general anesthetic, pain meds etc can really mess with my head & emotions. Don't be afraid to call your surgeon/doc for more or stronger meds if needed.

 

I've been a chronic pain patient for a decade now. There are many pain meds that work on different receptors in your brain.

Valium also helps with pain (muscle relaxant). I know there's the risk of addiction with all these meds but a couple of months on the strong stuff (slowly titrating off) isn't a big deal.

 

 

Avoiding surgery, anesthetic, medication problems.....

 

The best solution I've found is writing a list of my 'rules'....what I want I need at this time in my life BEFORE I go under for the surgery. If needed remind yourself frequently that you are under the spell of heavy medications!!

 

Think of a few things that you want to research, study, to keep your mind occupied. Things with lots of YouTube vids are great!!

 

Some mindless TV series that you fancied watching but never got around to can be good for a morphine, sluggish days.

 

Good movies should be saved for the clearer days (as your body adapts to the pain meds) to focus & avoid obsessing on the pain (or all this s**t that's haunting you).

 

Post & read here but don't let it depress you! PM people who know what's going on in your life to chat with. Having someone you can just say anything to, stream of consciousness, no pride, stuff is invaluable.

 

Do you have a good support system? Fantastic if you do!!! Let people take care of you. It's a very short time out of the whole of your life, don't be backward at coming forward!!!

 

Surgery doesn't have to be a bad thing!! I know that sounds crazy but I've been through it a LOT. Nothing temporary in life has to suck if you have the right attitude!!

 

Do as I say NOT as I do & live a great life!

Edited September 29, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[sadsickandscared]

So much has happened I am not sure where to start. Firstly my surgery went well. I am feeling a lot calmer I think this was very much causing a lot of stress.

 

 

Re: Home and BS - things have been up and down. He is very much refusing to let go and wants us to work and custody decisions are challenging at the moment with my workload. We have openly discussed what happened and what is happening to us. He wants us to work and I have very clearly said I love him but don't think it will and I am not sure I am capable of trying.

 

 

Re: MM that is now single and going through the first stages of financial separation. He moved out 6-8 weeks ago. Things got ugly (mostly my fault) then got better. We are still talking and have started seeing each other again as friends but its starting the head back towards more. We are both keen to explore what it is between us but we are avoiding any 'future' discussion as neither of us are ready for that. We have a complete honest approach now, aka I know what issues he is going through with x and his daughter and likewise with my home situation.

 

 

I have no clue where all this is headed. Perhaps for more pain. But at the moment I feel happy.

[ChickiePops]

I don't understand. Are you working on things with your husband or not?

[123sadgirl]

Hi, Ive just finished reading a number of threads and the similarity to my situation is terrifying. Amazing how we all think what we have is different or special but yet affairs have some many common themes. I have got myself into a shocking position and despite many efforts to get out of it just cant seem to stay strong enough. I am a MW with 3 kids, he is a MM with 1. We have a major conflict of interest professionally as I am in a way a client. This will cost me everything I just know it. It started as innocent flirting, then to sexting, then we met up, kissed, kissed again - it screwed us both us. But eventually the sexual tension broke and we slept together in the back of a car. This hasn't happened quickly, its been nearly 5 months so far. We have since kissed, messed around and broke it off so many times it does my head in. I confessed to my H about a month ago but still cant bring myself to end it. I want to but don't want to. Hate myself daily yet one text and I want him again. I keep pushing MM so hard to hate me and let me go but he always comes back with lines like he doesn't want to lose our friendship. I have never pushed a male like this but at the same time I have never felt so comfortable/connected with someone. I'm not stupid I know what I am feeling cant be real but it feels it and I hurt unbelievable. It has really done both of our heads in. His marriage was on the rocks when we started, mine wasn't so bad, I was emotionally distant but we were ok. He has run hot and cold throughout the affair and appeared to really struggle with the concept of affair. If I was honest he has more than me. Ive been prepared to lie to see him etc but its only every turned out when convenient for him and feels like he holds all the cards. After our foolish night in the car I told him I needed to have him contact me soon after as I would flip out having not been with anyone else for 16 years.... he didn't but he left he wife that weekend to get some space as he couldn't handle how he felt. His wife wants to work on their marriage. I dont think she has any awareness of us. But I spat the dummy re: him not keeping his word to me and he came and said he couldn't continue that it was messing him up. I agreed to leave it as I honestly care and wanted to be friends but the drawn and chemistry between us hasn't stopped. A number of times we have kissed since but he iniatlly blamed me. We have broken it off so many times and 3 weeks ago I said I needed NC for my sanity (after agreeing to being friends without benefits for his sanity). I wanted him to let me go, told him what the impact was on me. It got exhausting and frustrating and I honestly was ready to walk away but he told me ok that he would give me what I needed. Told him what I needed from him... We had an incredible 'date' night 2 weeks later and then made plans for another. After not hearing from him I sent him a text a 6pm asking what our plans were - he stood me up. I should explain he has a very senior role and works enormous hours. I could understand something came up but he didn't text me and I again lost it at him and told him how disrespectful etc. I had lied and couldn't even go home. Since then he has tried to text more but I feel like a puppet and he pulls the strings. I need this to end. But due to our work/client relationship I need to be so careful. I need to also want this. I'm not stupid and don't deserve to be treated like this and god knows my husband doesn't deserve me treating him like this. Im such a mess. I have lost 15kg over the last 5 months and I am so unhappy. Yet why cant I break this addiction. The fleeting happiness isn't worth it. I genuinely don't think he is trying to hurt me but he knows he is and isn't letting me go. He is being selfish and I'm letting him! I need some help. Please. I know and understand the judgement but I have fallen for him and need to create some support and direction so I can distance myself and not lose the greatest work opportunity of my life let alone my family. My H is being so supportive. He knows the state I am and is trying to help where he can but I feel like I am suffocating everyday.

 

Hi:) I know those feelings and wanting to stop but your heart and feelings are pulling you towards him. You are the only one who can stop this,

when the times come when you feel less value and want your self respect back.

 

It will be painful but when you get to the breaking point no one will tell you to stop, you will be able to do it yourself. Is he treating you that nice to put up with him not sending a simple text to say he cannot make it. Think of all the bad and good and make a decision.

[sadsickandscared]

The no text was months ago now. Right at the time when he was separating but I didn't know that then. Since we have re connected and changed the frank honest nature of us we haven't had anything like that. The opposite we have had awkward conversations as they are very honest but I would rather that.

 

He is a lot more settled and consistent now that he is single.

[sadsickandscared]

Re husband.

 

We are trying to work to a resolution that meets family needs and both of us. I have a massive year ahead and he doesn't want a permanent solution while I am absent with w

[sadsickandscared]

Wow - so much has happened since my last post which seems date wise such a short time ago.

 

 

In brief.

 

 

I have separated from my husband, purchased house, moved out. 50-50 with kids re custody.

 

 

AP and I are working at it. Seeing each other but its hard. Its still a secret for a lot of reasons and we still seem to have the worst timing in the world in terms of trying to find time together. But we are trying. Deep down I doubt it will work as neither of us are truly ready but I am not sure and need to see where it goes. Would love any advice if anyone else has gone this way.

 

 

Husband and I are trying very hard to be ok for kids. This time of the year isn't easy. He is struggling to let go of our future and what dreams he had for us. I am struggling to deal with my guilt over not wanting to fix us and what I did. He was prepared to forgive but I wasn't prepared to give up or try and fix and I doubt I will ever forgive myself for that but staying and seeing AP on the side was not something I could do.

 

 

Hard roads ahead on both fronts and would love continued support and advice

[HeCantBreakMe]

Wow - so much has happened since my last post which seems date wise such a short time ago.

 

 

In brief.

 

 

I have separated from my husband, purchased house, moved out. 50-50 with kids re custody.

 

 

AP and I are working at it. Seeing each other but its hard. Its still a secret for a lot of reasons and we still seem to have the worst timing in the world in terms of trying to find time together. But we are trying. Deep down I doubt it will work as neither of us are truly ready but I am not sure and need to see where it goes. Would love any advice if anyone else has gone this way.

 

 

Husband and I are trying very hard to be ok for kids. This time of the year isn't easy. He is struggling to let go of our future and what dreams he had for us. I am struggling to deal with my guilt over not wanting to fix us and what I did. He was prepared to forgive but I wasn't prepared to give up or try and fix and I doubt I will ever forgive myself for that but staying and seeing AP on the side was not something I could do.

 

 

Hard roads ahead on both fronts and would love continued support and advice

 

I don't think i have much advice for you because you are on a road I haven't traveled yet. I am sure there is guilt there for not trying to work on things with your husband but I think making it a quick and easy break was better for him in the long run then dragging out a possible R only to separate anyways. Good for you in being strong with this- I am still unsure.

 

As for AP-(now boyfriend?) the only thing I can add here is don't let the pressure of the relationship starting out as an affair mean you have to stay with him if you aren't happy.

 

Good luck OP- you have a new interesting year ahead of you. Wishing you much support.

[sadsickandscared]

Thanks - we are both really wary of the "new" relationship. Its having a lot of ups and downs mainly over his lack of time due to work which I actually don't have an issue with if our communication was better. Its hard. His marriage broke up largely over work pressure, its causing issues with us but for different reasons and its mainly his baggage. But my baggage is the need to understand what we are and have faith in that. Its not easy but I have tried to walk away a few times (probably because I am scared and overwhelmed by all my change - my feelings for him have never changed) but he remains committed to trying to work through the issues yet we still haven't said the L word or more importantly the R word (relationship)

[Poppy47]

Why are you making excuses for this guy.

 

He is treating you badly and you feel sorry for him and worried. Is he worried about you?? Doubt it.

 

Put him back into line and do not let him or you cross that line again in your business dealings.

 

Poppy

[sadsickandscared]

They aren't excuses. He has just left a 10 year relationship I have just left a 16 yr one. Things change and evolve. Not all guys are bad guys

[Maddieandtae]

I went down your road sadsickandscared. I divorced, my ex-husband started a new relationship and the man I had an affair with wanted to keep our "relationship" secret for awhile.

 

That went on for about a year until I said I was done unless we came clean.

 

I was so very foolish and REGRET my abhorrent behaviour. I started with this man in deceit and we ended in deceit.

 

I'm fully to blame for those choices in the past. Finally I'm single and I'll stay that way until I know how to be in a relationship.

 

I can't tell you or even have the right to suggest this, I'll say it anyways though -I just think you might want to think hard and long about being a secret still. It can be a shameful road all these secrets:(

[sadsickandscared]

Unfortunately due to professional reasons we have no choice re secrecy for at least the next 10 months

[Birdies]

I am in a somewhat similar position with some key differences. My MM and I both ended / had our marriages end within several months of DDay and are in a R now. No kids. We work together and it was all very public, so very very messy. However, that light of day has been a blessing. It's been about a year now and we're being more and more public with our R. (Acting professional at work, but it's not a secret). It's really important to have the light of day...affairs thrive in the dark and entering the "real world" is what shows you if it can actually work or not.

 

If you truly can't open things up into public knowledge, I would recommend breaking up and reassessing in 10 months. That would give you both time to grieve and heal from the end of your marriages, and to deal with your own personal issues before diving headlong into a R. Especially since you have children! You owe it to them to let them adjust and have your undivided attention. Go to therapy! Read up on infidelity and how to heal yourself! And how to behave towards your ex!! A lot of cheaters are so used to justifying it to themselves that after DDay, they unconsciously try to justify it to others including the ex. This is really awful. Make him know how very very sorry you are.

 

If in 10 months after a good long break, you two still want to be together, you'll have more confidence that they are real feelings rather than the affair fog / limerance. But no way in HELL would I go through the misery of a secret sketchy relationship for almost another year....

 

Also - he's established in his ways and his work ethic / communication patterns are not likely to change. If those broke up his first marriage and are already causing problems for you two....not a great sign. Don't put blinders on!

 

Good luck.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Birdies

[DKT3]

So you wouldn't leave your husband until mm was single and once he was you bolted.

 

Do your husband a favor, don't lure him back once this relationship fails.