In need of support/ / to do what I need to

[MidnightBlue1980]

You cannot predict what someone is going to do in these situations. He asked for you to be friends because he is not sure if he wants his wife or you. If he was sure he did not want you, he would just ignore you. They all say the friends thing. Few leave though.

 

I hate to say this, people go crazy on you when you open up too much but before I met my H, I had an A and he left his W and showed up on my doorstep and that is how my exH found out. It was a bad marriage but still, it was horrible. You just do not know what someone will do.

 

You actually think your BS would be understanding of your contacting mm? He knows right? You can't do that to him. Think about how he would feel. I get you are in the fog, I was there heavily, so I am trying to get through to you.

 

Not sure I understand. Why would he. He is ok with us not being together. It's what he wants right now. He asked for us to be friends. I was the one initially that said I couldn't do that.

 

BS would probably be hurt but after he saw what I did and went through supporting my sister and neices through a separation he would get that I'm trying to help.

[sadsickandscared]

When my sister went through this. Despite it being her call to end it. She was so hard on her ex re what he didn't do for his girls. And most of it was stuff mums think of not guys. Just trying to help him avoid any of that angst. His wife wasn't ik with this so she is likely to pick at him. Plus his daughter is the age of my youngest so I completely understand how unsettling it would be for both of them.

 

But maybe you meant my texts will piss him off re not my place to say and yes that could be right ? Wasn't thinking of that. Just trying to help. But guess I should wait til asked

[MidnightBlue1980]

When my sister went through this. Despite it being her call to end it. She was so hard on her ex re what he didn't do for his girls. And most of it was stuff mums think of not guys. Just trying to help him avoid any of that angst. His wife wasn't ik with this so she is likely to pick at him. Plus his daughter is the age of my youngest so I completely understand how unsettling it would be for both of them.

 

But maybe you meant my texts will piss him off re not my place to say and yes that could be right ? Wasn't thinking of that. Just trying to help. But guess I should wait til asked

 

It's hard for me to give advice. I'm in a dark place. I see only the negative and I try to prevent others from ending up like me.

[sadsickandscared]

He has definitely left. I've sent the new rental listing on the net (yes I know slightly stalker like but I wanted to see if he was lying).

 

Re friends. I actually think it's over. I'm not ok with this. I need to let go. But he is the most stubborn person I've ever met. I've said over before but he has never. But I genuinely thinks he wants friends but guess it's just what degree.

 

Bs knows that I will be supportive to him through this. He knows who I am. I can't not help people it's in my nature.

 

I'm just looking for ways to stop ME. Which is hard as this is what I would do for a friend let alone someone I care about. Not doing anything makes me feel bad. But I need to for me! I just need some sanity at the moment but that statement alone doesn't provide me with enough motivation to stop. I know I am in the fog. How do I get it to clear and have more self control. Happy to respond if he asks but I should t push myself and thoughts on him. It's wrong. Just need to snap out of it. So hard when for the last 5 months we have corespondent everyday with hundreds of texts

[sadsickandscared]

Thanks anyway midnightblue. Hope you are ok. It screws us up that's for sure. And I'm too good at putting others before me. Although normally wouldn't put others in front of my family. Although I did with my sister

[BluesPower]

Sweetheart, I just don't know any other way to tell you this, except loudly.

 

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. HE NEVER LOVED YOU. YOU HAVE GO TO GET PAST THIS AND JUST REALIZE THAT IT IS OVER. I am sorry that you are hurting but you are making it so much worse for yourself. I know that all of this is hard to believe but I swear that I am correct about this.

 

It has taken almost 6 maybe 8 months for one of my other women (Primary affair) to get over this crap. For me I finally told her that she was not my only lover over the last 5 or so years. I thought she realized, but that is one lie I may have told, by omission. I had to get her to hate me so she would leave me the F*** alone. This woman just would not let go, it was enough to drive me crazy, and for me, that is a short drive.

 

You are making yourself crazy for a guy that does not love you. Think about that. And you cannot be his friend no matter what you want to do.

 

Go NC except for work. You will feel better over time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks anyway midnightblue. Hope you are ok. It screws us up that's for sure. And I'm too good at putting others before me. Although normally wouldn't put others in front of my family. Although I did with my sister

 

Ok. So I understand - he moved out but he still said it's over but wants to be friends. And your H knows but is okay with you helping your xMM through his separation?

 

I think your H is in shock and holding on to anything. If is true what I wrote about your xMM, and I've heard about this happening, you need to back far away. Only pain can come from this. I am guessing you want to be with this man, your xMM. It would be utterly painful to know he is now free and rejects you now, when he could be with you.

[DKT3]

Men offer seek and use a transitional relationship to bridge them from marriage to single with absolutely no interest in actually being in another relationship any time soon. In this case the wife and ow are dumped almost simultaneously. Very well could be what's going on here.

[sadsickandscared]

DKT3

 

I wouldn't be at all surprised. And in fact I think they could go for both of us. I remember a time in fact when we discussed whether we were using each other as bandaids. ... he was adamant that we weren't. I wasn't so sure.

 

But you are all right. I know deep down over as I know him. It still brings me to the point of how do you let go and start moving on. How do you resist those urges. I think that's why I pushed him so much cause I wanted to find something to hate. Something to be so mad at him for that I can walk easily. In fact I've told him to stop being nice a number of times. Even his message last night was warm but distant. I think I'd rather him cut me off and I learn the hard way as then I might accept it. But remember this guy took 3 hours out of his day the other day to talk and make sure I was ok with us ending. No one made him do that. It would be so much easily if he was a prick like so many that I read about on here.

 

But all that doesn't really matter. This is about me and how I begin to move forward and I have no f clue how to do it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

DKT3

 

I wouldn't be at all surprised. And in fact I think they could go for both of us. I remember a time in fact when we discussed whether we were using each other as bandaids. ... he was adamant that we weren't. I wasn't so sure.

 

But you are all right. I know deep down over as I know him. It still brings me to the point of how do you let go and start moving on. How do you resist those urges. I think that's why I pushed him so much cause I wanted to find something to hate. Something to be so mad at him for that I can walk easily. In fact I've told him to stop being nice a number of times. Even his message last night was warm but distant. I think I'd rather him cut me off and I learn the hard way as then I might accept it. But remember this guy took 3 hours out of his day the other day to talk and make sure I was ok with us ending. No one made him do that. It would be so much easily if he was a prick like so many that I read about on here.

 

But all that doesn't really matter. This is about me and how I begin to move forward and I have no f clue how to do it.

 

There is a lot here. Your situation seems at the critical point and it's hard for me to help you over the internet because I can tell you are very deep in the fog and just will not see things the way I see them.

 

I had to go back to the beginning to refresh myself on your situation. I remember now, your job with this guy, he moved out, false reconciliation, you asked him for NC but it sounds like he is the one controlling things. Am I right?

 

You will not like what I am going to say. I feel you are in too deep to easily fix it on your own and a bunch of people on the internet cannot really help you. Think of it like this - he is a drug and you are addicted. You are really close to losing everything. I know this because I was there. Are you having suicidal thoughts? Your writing is frantic. I did, that is why I ask.

 

I think you need to tell your husband what is going on. Or someone in real life. Do you have anyone? I told my husband and a close friend what was going on. I was on the edge. It was bad. I sense that in you.

 

Seeing this guy is bad. You know that. I have to see him too so I get you but yours is much worse, you see him on a daily basis. I don't know if you can easily come back from that. You are in love with this guy, or at least you think you do, don't you?

 

For me I talked to my husband a lot. There are people here who are very against that and called me abusive for telling him, but he is my best friend and I was suicidal. It helped. Can you talk to your husband?

[sadsickandscared]

More obsessive than suicidal. But definitely dark thoughts. I have known that for a while. And you are 100% right I kept trying to break but pure NC would make work feel so challenging but deep down I've known it was the only way. In fact I said that yesterday to a friend. One thing that isn't clear thoughout my posts was how we left Wednesday. Partly because I'm not 100% clear either. It was very emotional and in the last 10 mins he confessed re the move (we had promised. It to discuss our marriages). Then I flipped completely from saying I was going NC to ok I will do friends and let's leave it as a maybe (us). Then he said I thought you wanted to have today to def end it. I (him) wanted to leave it as a maybe but he stopped talking and started a joke about something - he does that to lighten stuff. The we cuddled. He hopped in car and we kissed. But he kissed me back. So to be honest I'm clueless as to what he deep down wants. In fact I don't think he knows either.

 

I've been doing the same thing with my husband re talking. I've copped a few harsh comments re that but I'm the same as you and he is my best friend. Plus he is really worried about me.

 

I talked to AP re how I felt I would need to leave role and he was horrified that I felt like that. I also agree that I'm so screwed up that if I don't it might break me. But on the flip side. Driving past and seeing the project completed and me walking away over him could damage me forever too. I'm going to find a counsellor next week. I'm overloading my husband, and the one girlfriend that knows. It was almost easier when it was a secret.

 

And yes I think I'm in love although I acknowledge we don't know each other enough. Officially we have only used the word care between us. He has never over promised anything to me. In fact the opposite we have both said (in the beginning) don't want to impact home lives. It just grew legs of it's own

Edited September 25, 2016 by sadsickandscared

[MidnightBlue1980]

More obsessive than suicidal. But definitely dark thoughts. I have known that for a while. And you are 100% right I kept trying to break but pure NC would make work feel so challenging but deep down I've known it was the only way. In fact I said that yesterday to a friend. One thing that isn't clear thoughout my posts was how we left Wednesday. Partly because I'm not 100% clear either. It was very emotional and in the last 10 mins he confessed re the move (we had promised. It to discuss our marriages). Then I flipped completely from saying I was going NC to ok I will do friends and let's leave it as a maybe (us). Then he said I thought you wanted to have today to def end it. I (him) wanted to leave it as a maybe but he stopped talking and started a joke about something - he does that to lighten stuff. The we cuddled. He hopped in car and we kissed. But he kissed me back. So to be honest I'm clueless as to what he deep down wants. In fact I don't think he knows either.

 

I've been doing the same thing with my husband re talking. I've copped a few harsh comments re that but I'm the same as you and he is my best friend. Plus he is really worried about me.

 

I talked to AP re how I felt I would need to leave role and he was horrified that I felt like that. I also agree that I'm so screwed up that if I don't it might break me. But on the flip side. Driving past and seeing the project completed and me walking away over him could damage me forever too. I'm going to find a counsellor next week. I'm overloading my husband, and the one girlfriend that knows. It was almost easier when it was a secret.

 

And yes I think I'm in love although I acknowledge we don't know each other enough. Officially we have only used the word care between us. He has never over promised anything to me. In fact the opposite we have both said (in the beginning) don't want to impact home lives. It just grew legs of it's own

 

How long has your AP been on his own now? That is a mess. Usually the guy won't leave so we don't have much choice but move on, or they want their marriage and us on the side (my situation) so it's not much of a decision, unless you want an affair, which I didn't.

 

Tell me about your husband. How long have your been married? Is it a good marriage, just the usual, kids, work, money, stuff which created distance?

 

I can tell you, I was madly in love with AP and he only wanted an LTA so it ended and only 10 months out now can I see that I'm with the right person, my H of 10 years. My H knows everything though and changed completely. So did I. You don't really know this guy. Its limerance and sex and infatuation. I get that does not make it any less real of course. I have been there.

[MidnightBlue1980]

More obsessive than suicidal. But definitely dark thoughts. I have known that for a while. And you are 100% right I kept trying to break but pure NC would make work feel so challenging but deep down I've known it was the only way. In fact I said that yesterday to a friend. One thing that isn't clear thoughout my posts was how we left Wednesday. Partly because I'm not 100% clear either. It was very emotional and in the last 10 mins he confessed re the move (we had promised. It to discuss our marriages). Then I flipped completely from saying I was going NC to ok I will do friends and let's leave it as a maybe (us). Then he said I thought you wanted to have today to def end it. I (him) wanted to leave it as a maybe but he stopped talking and started a joke about something - he does that to lighten stuff. The we cuddled. He hopped in car and we kissed. But he kissed me back. So to be honest I'm clueless as to what he deep down wants. In fact I don't think he knows either.

 

I've been doing the same thing with my husband re talking. I've copped a few harsh comments re that but I'm the same as you and he is my best friend. Plus he is really worried about me.

 

I talked to AP re how I felt I would need to leave role and he was horrified that I felt like that. I also agree that I'm so screwed up that if I don't it might break me. But on the flip side. Driving past and seeing the project completed and me walking away over him could damage me forever too. I'm going to find a counsellor next week. I'm overloading my husband, and the one girlfriend that knows. It was almost easier when it was a secret.

 

And yes I think I'm in love although I acknowledge we don't know each other enough. Officially we have only used the word care between us. He has never over promised anything to me. In fact the opposite we have both said (in the beginning) don't want to impact home lives. It just grew legs of it's own

 

Don't trust this guy so much about your work stuff. My xMM lied and lied and lied. I also said how I was going to leave and he promised to leave instead. Not only did he not leave, he accepted my current position (which is up next week, thank God) and lied to me. He;s signed on to be there for 24 more months. Save everything in the event he twists it on you.

[sadsickandscared]

Re work. He would never leave and I know that. So don't expect it.

 

Re husband.

I'm 38. Together 16 yrs. all good re friendship. Kids. Money all good. Both exec roles. Best friend. Always was but in some way hats an issue. I was on the rebound big time and damaged when we got together. He made me feel safe and happy. Sex life ok but never been great in terms of quality and chemistry. Relationship moves very fast. Engaged 5 months married 10 months later pregnant 6 months later.

 

Distance was created over time. Got busy with kids and stopped focusing on us. I think he went through a stage of depression. Eg going to bed hours before me etc. distance got worse when I returned to an exec high pressure role and focus changed from family to work. But he saw it and felt like he was supporting me. I told him issues and how I felt but I'm not a fighter so I never pushed it. I told him after I met EA 2 yrs ago that for the first time drawn to someone else and it scared me. Told him all this stuff but he didn't do anything. Neither did I. I felt invisible if I was in lingerie etc. he never commented on me. I just felt alone

Edited September 25, 2016 by sadsickandscared

[sadsickandscared]

AP moved out late this week. Very recent.

 

But it's been a long time coming but I do believe I was the straw that broke the camels back. He doesn't like what he was doing and wanted.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Re work. He would never leave and I know that. So don't expect it.

 

Re husband.

I'm 38. Together 16 yrs. all good re friendship. Kids. Money all good. Both exec roles. Best friend. Always was but in some way hats an issue. I was on the rebound big time and damaged when we got together. He made me feel safe and happy. Sex life ok but never been great in terms of quality and chemistry. Relationship moves very fast. Engaged 5 months married 10 months later pregnant 6 months later.

 

Distance was created over time. Got busy with kids and stopped focusing on us. I think he went through a stage of depression. Eg going to bed hours before me etc. distance got worse when I returned to an exec high pressure role and focus changed from family to work. But he saw it and felt like he was supporting me. I told him issues and how I felt but I'm not a fighter so I never pushed it. I told him after I met EA 2 yrs ago that for the first time drawn to someone else and it scared me. Told him all this stuff but he didn't do anything. Neither did I. I felt invisible if I was in lingerie etc. he never commented on me. I just felt alone

 

What you describe is very typical for a marriage in our age bracket. I also had an EA 4 years before this A. It was 99% in my mind, not the EA's people post about here, but it was the first time I got all these feelings for someone else. So I understand. A PA is the next, natural step. The only part that I do not have is the no reaction to lingerie part. How old is your H? I know guys over 40 have a lot more trouble in that area. Were you having sex?

 

BTW, I also met my H after a very bad relationship and we were living together in 3 months, engaged 2 months after that and married a year later. Then came the kids. This is not a bad thing. It means you found a man who really wanted you. Don't discredit that. When you have a man who really wants you, you are not up all hours of the night posting on the internet, trying to figure out what they really want. Because you know. At our age, that kind of loyalty and love is not something to just throw away so fast and its not so easy to find.

 

I'm asking you questions about your H to start you thinking about him. Your mm, well, if he really wanted to be with you, wouldn't he just come out and say it? After all he was able to up and move out right? When he knows what he wants, he seems to be able to do it, right?

 

So....? He seems to want out of his marriage but he may be using you as a springboard. I want you to see that even good guys do bad things. We ALL do bad things so you can't rely on him being a good guy, so therefore he wouldn't do that to me. I have a friend IRL who did that. He had an affair, he is divorcing his wife and the AP is divorcing her husband. But....he just stopped responding to her texts. Backed away. He's got kids, he wants fresh and new. He does not judge her but he just does not want a reminder of his bad days. He's dating someone in her 20s. Single.

 

Don't lose everything to help this guy get over his wife and onto a new woman. Fake it till you make it.

[sadsickandscared]

Thanks - my EA was 99% in my head too

 

 

Trying harder with BS. Fake it til you make is a very apt description as in a lot of ways I don't want to try.

 

 

Re: Lingerie comment - it came out wrong. No sexual issues his end. It was more that he just never noticed/cared. Sort of felt like he looked through me. He is a very respectful person, very straight. Hard to explain.

 

 

MM replied to messages and thanked me for thinking of him. Told me he had done the clothes things hadn't thought of photo but its a good idea. Warm but distant is the vibe I am getting. He is taking the next 2 days off to spend with his Daughter. Which is good as he sounds exhausted and must need a break.

 

 

Its hard to know what I want or what to do. Yes I know that I should walk away but I don't deep down want to. But I am also confused as to what he wants. Perhaps he also is though. He is a nice guy, I don't think he is like a lot of the guys I have read about on here. I'm just trying to get our interaction light and nice. I don't want to pressure him at the moment but it is hard as I would much rather not receive nice messages if he never wanted to see what is between us. We have a function together Thursday night but I have arranged a get together with a girlfriend for after so I don't get upset leaving (minus him). I am trying in my own way to pull away or at least give this some time and space. But the rollercoaster of emotions are so difficult to handle. Better today now that back at work and busy but I doubt I will be able to let go with this type of "friends" contact. So hard to know what I want - let alone actually what are the options in relation to him.

 

 

Re: him knowing what he wants, he does but and its a big but he has had a lot of pressure on him and what happened between us in that last week has caused him to see us as too hard a work and that he just doesn't have the energy for that in his life on top of the work/wife pressure.

Edited September 26, 2016 by sadsickandscared

[sadsickandscared]

Ive been really honest with myself this afternoon. Ive decided to go NC (where I can). I'm not happy. That's the simple truth. I got some texts from MM today, (after I started the convo) but again it was the same - very hesitant to let me know whether even coming to an event this week, very shakey but then also being slightly playful. I understand that he is confused and everything else.

 

 

But the honest truth is I am not happy. It f's around with my head, distracts me from my work, is stopping me focusing on home/kids/BS. Plus I think there is an element of pride as in letting go means accepting being rejected etc or not winning the prize. That's just stupid. The prize is me being ok, happy and content, not me throwing everything into something that isn't right or really me. I have fallen in love with him but I suspect that is an utter fantasty in my head. Not easy to admit that. Hurts like hell to see myself like this.

 

 

No contact here I come - very scared, very worried I cant do it. Very everything. But I need to reclaim me somehow - this is just too f'ed in my head. Somehow I need to find the lesson's from this and cling to those and not the feelings I have. I want more pride than this. I think he cared that's for sure but not enough, and do suspect that all the way along I've seen the things I wanted to see and pushed down the things I haven't. I cant believe what it has done to me and my self esteem. I always thought an affair would make you feel more attractive and confident - its done the opposite.

Edited September 26, 2016 by sadsickandscared

[BluesPower]

This is the first thing you have said that is realistic.

 

Now, finally, you are starting to get it. Bravo.

 

Going NC, as much as possible, it the thing to do. Whether you and your BS actually get your marriage together or not. Losing this guy, in the long run will make you feel better.

 

Keep thinking this way from now on. Don't get discouraged when it gets hard to keep NC, because it will be hard but you can do it.

 

Good job...

[sadsickandscared]

Just deleted his contact and all the messages. Cant block but have changed my settings - so unknown senders don't send out any notifications and are in a different folder. Doubt it will stop me checking but would actually need to look his number up which I am hoping will make me stop contacting.

 

 

Thank you for the support - I need it so much

 

 

I cant live the way I have been - I am a shadow of myself

Edited September 26, 2016 by sadsickandscared

[imperfectangel]

I blocked my mm and his w on fb - could you do that?

 

I am also just beginning real nc. It is hard but you have to think about what you need for your future.

 

I'm completely in love with my mm but he told me last time we saw each other that he won't divorce. I got my closure although I don't think he realised that what he said would end it for me.

 

A few things can happen here. He could realise once you pull away that it's you he wants and let's you know that. He could move on with someone completely new or he may be wondering when you'll leave your bs too.

 

Take this time to decide what you really want. Thinking that you'll never see him again in a affair setting can be a bit overwhelming. I started off thinking I'll message him tomorrow, then the next day would come so every day it was "tomorrow" etc eventually I decided it was fruitless.

 

The constant rejection that comes with affairs ie they're ultimately choosing someone else is just too much, it's soul destroying

 

You don't need that

[sadsickandscared]

He has left now. He is free... But that doesn't change anything.

 

 

But re: FB we aren't friends -only on LinkedIn. He isn't on FB.

 

 

One day at a time is all I can do at the moment.

[sadsickandscared]

24 hours done!!!

 

 

Gone to doctor to get some Valium to help with my anxiety and overload. Hope that makes it easier.

[lemondrop21]

24 hours done!!!

 

 

Gone to doctor to get some Valium to help with my anxiety and overload. Hope that makes it easier.

 

You may also want to think about a daily antidepressant that tends to work for anxiety. Less addictive than meds like Valium and, if it works for you, helps prevent you from getting those panicked, desperate feelings. I started one about a month ago, had side effects the first two weeks but now my body has adapted to it and I am mentally doing SO much better. It really does keep me off such a wild rollercoaster. I still get the pangs of longing some, but it's about 70-80% less than before, which is a huge relief. Good luck in your journey and I think you're on the right track.

[grassisorisntgreener]

So proud of you!!