In need of support/ / to do what I need to

[ladydesigner]

Unfortunately, both you and your BH are wrong on this point. Your A isn't about AP and it is not a symptom of what ails your "marriage". As harsh as it may sound, the problem lies within you. Let me ask you this... Do you think your BH has been 100% happy in the "marriage" 100% of the time? The obvious answer to that is no, because no such marriages exists in the real world. That being the case, why did he not search for the answers to his marital problems outside the "marriage"?

 

You've had 2 affairs in 2 years. The coping mechanisms that allow you to go there need to be addressed or else you will find yourself in the same place in the future (in your current relationship or your next one). Individual counseling sounds like a good start to help you answer why.

 

I wish both you and your BH the best, but I can't see how you work this out. The total lack of respect for him and his well being, and him being "OK" with that does not seem like a healthy relationship. I mean, you are more concerned about the well being of someone you've known for a few months over that of the father of your children. That tells you something doesn't it. I guarantee you the normal you, whose mind isn't flooded by the affair drug, would look at state of affairs and laugh your head off because that proposition is preposterous on its face. I wish you the best of luck.

 

^^^This I agree 100%

 

The problems of the M may have been 50/50 or 80/20 etc... but only one person chose to step outside of it. Think about that.

 

A's are not a symptom of the M but a symptom of poor coping skills.

[MidnightBlue1980]

About to turn 39.

 

 

MM decision actually has nothing to do with it. We have never talked about a future. Doubt he wants to have a total of 5 kids :-)

 

 

But he has shown me the real me (hard to explain). And I want a different type of relationship

 

Someone here once posted to all of us how she had divorced her husband and how we should reconsider trying to fix the marriages we had, as there was no one out there, and she would gladly trade places with any of us.

 

I always think of that post. No clue who said it or on what thread. I cannot tell you over the internet what you feel for your husband, only you know that. I'm not going to say anything about your lack of respect or any of that, I'd be a huge hypocrite.

 

I'm only going to say to think about the man you married and if there is a chance, see if you can have the relationship you want with him, as opposed to starting all over again. If you are unhappy about your house, do you gut the whole thing or just change what you don't like about it? You are staying in a job which sounds like a hellish situation because the job is worth it, right? So you are definitely capable of making an educated decision about your marriage.

 

In no way am I saying to stay with someone you do not love, but if you can fix it, I'm telling you - try.

[sadsickandscared]

Midnight Blue - that is almost exactly what my husband is saying that the moment - I am not capable of making a clear headed decision at the moment. Right now I need to greive and then fix me. Then see how we go fixing us.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight Blue - that is almost exactly what my husband is saying that the moment - I am not capable of making a clear headed decision at the moment. Right now I need to greive and then fix me. Then see how we go fixing us.

 

You're not. He is right. And if you divorce now, you will be unable to separate the affair and your divorce. It will take years and years to feel better. You need to go NC with the MM and take the time with your H. It will take a while, but I am telling you, my marriage is completely different from what it was a year ago. It can change. You just need to figure it what you don't want - your relationship or the actual man. There is a critical difference. Again though, tough to know in the middle of all this.

[BTDT2012]

I want out - but I am scared. Scared of a life alone, scared of wrecking my boys lives, scared of all the turmoil, scared of hurting one of the most loyal and decent person I know cause I don't love him enough. I am trying to get him to see he deserves someone who worships him but he just refuses to see it and only wants us

You want out, tell him that and go. Don't prolong his agony. He can't make you stay.

[sadsickandscared]

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate the support.

 

 

Must say I am struggling emotionally. We haven't communicated for 2 days and heading into the weekend 4 days will be the longest we haven't spoken in months... Habits are hard to break I guess but its making me feel so sad. Its true what they say re: its an addiction/withdrawal. I keep looking at my phone :-(

 

 

If we go a version of NC - how long does it hurt for? I cant go full NC due to work but we are used to appearing like strangers at work

[Logan787]

You have a deeper issue here that you need to address. I'm thinking that it is attention from men. You are seeking some kind of validation from men because you didn't have it as a girl growing up, and maybe didn't get it from your father. You are wanting someone to tell you something about yourself that you long to hear. Or maybe you are wanting to know that your beautiful and an already taken man showing you attention and willing to put his future and family on the line to be with you, makes you feel important, because you have a lack of self worth. I don't know, but it has nothing to do with sex(as most affairs don't have anything to do with sex.) I would look deeper though and find out what the real issue here is. DON'T go through life thinking that it is something as shallow as emotions. You may never find out the real cause if you do that. Hope this helps you.

[BluesPower]

You really have to figure out what is inside you that is making you feel the way that you do.

 

On the hurting, I am sorry to say that it will hurt for a while. From my experience and talking to others. It will hurt for a while.

 

Staying as no contact as possible will help it fade faster. I hope it does get better for you though.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I want out - but I am scared. Scared of a life alone, scared of wrecking my boys lives, scared of all the turmoil, scared of hurting one of the most loyal and decent person I know cause I don't love him enough. I am trying to get him to see he deserves someone who worships him but he just refuses to see it and only wants us

 

I get this. I felt the exact same way. We have been separated a year now, he found out about my affair (which happened 4 years ago) just recently and he put me on blast on Facebook and pretty much told every single person I know and called me the most horrible vile names imaginable...for 3 days, and then he decided he wanted to work it out. What he didn't understand was that I still don't want to be with him. He just wants us to work so badly.

 

I understand what you're going through...but what I'm not understanding is why you are putting so much energy into your MM when you say that he has never discussed having a future.

 

My husband didn't want to "let me go" either..but I had to go. It took me years to build up the courage to do it. I was the biggest coward you could possibly imagine. I left my home, took on debt, haven't asked him for one single dime and we have the kids evenly..it's been really hard, but I did it. If I can do it, anyone can do it. Your husband needs to move on from you. You don't love him and you aren't going to get that love back.

[sadsickandscared]

I think I made a big mistake today. I needed some space from home. Went to the beach. Sent a photo of the beach to MM. He had sent me one many months ago as a way of starting our communication. It was a spur of the moment decision that I didn't think through. My message was kind. Just said I got a photo like this from some weird random guy months ago. It came at a time when I had had a really bad week and made me smile. I'm hoping this returns the favour.

 

But today was meant to be about me claiming time to think. Instead I've been anxious about no reply and why. This is so screwed up. I can't let myself make that mistake again. Need to focus just on me. It was innocent and perhaps his lack of reply is but the focus on that isn't good for me. How do I stop making mistakes like that

[aileD]

You can't really make a decision about your marriage and the rest of your life when you're in this state. You have some hesitation and some doubts....that's enough to just put the brakes on things for the sake of your family.

 

Take some time away, clear your head. Come to closure (within yourself--no contact!) with the MM. There are a lot of things for you to think about.

 

There is something called discernment counseling. Look it up, but essentially it's counseling sessions for you and H to decide whether to move forward with MC or to call it quits. It may help your husband realize the marriage is over, or it could also help you realize if it could work.

 

All that said, I was in the same position as your H recently. My H felt similar to you in many ways. We decided to try to work on our marriage ourselves and in counseling and it is going good, we are discovering more about each other and see a future and we are both glad we didn't throw that away, especially for our children's and family's sake.

 

I also agree with whomever said of you divorce now, it will always be about the affair and not the state of the marriage.

 

Take time and distance and try out that counseling. Good kuck

[BluesPower]

Yes it was kind of stupid. Allie is so right and she has really been through it.

 

For me, while I was not in love with any of my OW, it really cleared my head to let them go when my wife asked for another chance. The was no way I could even open my heart to her again, if I did not do that. I am so glad that I did.

 

Stay NC with OM. No matter what happens with your marriage, you cannot think clearly with other people in your life.

[Logan787]

I think I made a big mistake today. I needed some space from home. Went to the beach. Sent a photo of the beach to MM. He had sent me one many months ago as a way of starting our communication. It was a spur of the moment decision that I didn't think through. My message was kind. Just said I got a photo like this from some weird random guy months ago. It came at a time when I had had a really bad week and made me smile. I'm hoping this returns the favour.

 

But today was meant to be about me claiming time to think. Instead I've been anxious about no reply and why. This is so screwed up. I can't let myself make that mistake again. Need to focus just on me. It was innocent and perhaps his lack of reply is but the focus on that isn't good for me. How do I stop making mistakes like that

 

 

You aren't willing to go through the process of withdrawal. You are just putting yourself out there again. You keep thinking it can be friendly which it can't.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think I made a big mistake today. I needed some space from home. Went to the beach. Sent a photo of the beach to MM. He had sent me one many months ago as a way of starting our communication. It was a spur of the moment decision that I didn't think through. My message was kind. Just said I got a photo like this from some weird random guy months ago. It came at a time when I had had a really bad week and made me smile. I'm hoping this returns the favour.

 

But today was meant to be about me claiming time to think. Instead I've been anxious about no reply and why. This is so screwed up. I can't let myself make that mistake again. Need to focus just on me. It was innocent and perhaps his lack of reply is but the focus on that isn't good for me. How do I stop making mistakes like that

 

Don't beat yourself up about it. We've all done that. NC takes a while to stick. It's a habit. It's like quitting smoking. You just start again.

 

He didn't reply because he is probably a mess, trying to figure out how to fix his marriage. He is not thinking about you. He's thinking about himself and if he is thinking about you, he's thinking that you are all over the place and this probably frightens him. Again though, don't sweat it. Been there, done that.

 

You can't a day or week to think and figure it out. I'm 10 months out. This stuff takes time.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Don't beat yourself up about it. We've all done that. NC takes a while to stick. It's a habit. It's like quitting smoking. You just start again.

 

He didn't reply because he is probably a mess, trying to figure out how to fix his marriage. He is not thinking about you. He's thinking about himself and if he is thinking about you, he's thinking that you are all over the place and this probably frightens him. Again though, don't sweat it. Been there, done that.

 

You can't a day or week to think and figure it out. I'm 10 months out. This stuff takes time.

 

Midnight Is right. You messed up and as you can see it didn't help

To text him. Lesson learned. Keep moving forward and work on you and figuring out what you want. Let MM be he has a lot to deal with right now and needs this space to deal with his own demons. And you need it to.

 

Good luck

[sadsickandscared]

Any practical tips or hints re NC. Games on phone to stop looking at messages? I've turned do not disturb on his last text a hopefully as I receive more and more messages from others his name will go off the screen.

 

I can't block for work reasons.

 

It's more I need ways to stop myself. He replied last night with a really nice message saying thanks for the photo it did make him smile etc. I couldn't help myself a d replied. Then replied again this morning as he didn't reply. My lack of control is doing my head in. I've turned iMessage off. Muted conversation but none of this will stop ME. So I need distractions. Esp on my phone. What else could I do? Can't not have phone on me for kids contact etc.

 

Would love some hints on what helped others live out NC from their side. Not just ignoring the AP contact

[MidnightBlue1980]

Any practical tips or hints re NC. Games on phone to stop looking at messages? I've turned do not disturb on his last text a hopefully as I receive more and more messages from others his name will go off the screen.

 

I can't block for work reasons.

 

It's more I need ways to stop myself. He replied last night with a really nice message saying thanks for the photo it did make him smile etc. I couldn't help myself a d replied. Then replied again this morning as he didn't reply. My lack of control is doing my head in. I've turned iMessage off. Muted conversation but none of this will stop ME. So I need distractions. Esp on my phone. What else could I do? Can't not have phone on me for kids contact etc.

 

Would love some hints on what helped others live out NC from their side. Not just ignoring the AP contact

 

What do you really want here? I can't give you advice like our situations are the same, they aren't. He left, right? I don't usually say this but some men do have feelings and are real people, so if this guy is sitting alone, left his family, thinking you are going to be with him and meanwhile your husband thinks you are with him too, well you just can't do that. You would be like most of these married guys we post about. You can't have two guys doing the pick me dance. You need to choose right now, today. Maybe you make the wrong choice, such is life.

 

If you want NC, you need to tell him. If he left and he's a decent guy, be straight with him so he can go fix his crap at home and Let Him Go. If he is a POS, just ignore him. Block him on FB, whatever. Just don't respond. Be mean and cold. I am so cold to xMM, there are icicles on my body. I literally will not look or speak to him. Try that. It works.

[sadsickandscared]

We have NEVER talked about a future together. In fact last time we talked he spoke of his inability for anything atm due to overload.

 

I'm not concerned about the content of what I send. It's supportive and nice. I'm worried about the fact that I swear on a response and it drives me nuts. I want to let go of the obsession. Make sense. Plus. I think he needs space. Other people can be a friend and I'm starting the contact.

 

He didn't leave for me I'm 100% of that

[MidnightBlue1980]

We have NEVER talked about a future together. In fact last time we talked he spoke of his inability for anything atm due to overload.

 

I'm not concerned about the content of what I send. It's supportive and nice. I'm worried about the fact that I swear on a response and it drives me nuts. I want to let go of the obsession. Make sense. Plus. I think he needs space. Other people can be a friend and I'm starting the contact.

 

He didn't leave for me I'm 100% of that

 

Okay well my therapist said how texting in itself is addictive. Google it. Your brain gets these hits. Why do you need your phone on you at all times? Do your kids text you? Can you tell them to just call you? I started plugging mine in and leaving it in my office. I also turned off all the sounds. Where are you with your phone, is it in your pocket or purse? If you are not near it, it does get easier. Why can't you block him?

 

Or do this - tell him not to contact you. Say you are being monitored. He won't contact you.

[sadsickandscared]

Yeah I think my phone always near me is part of the issue.

 

Re block. I can't re work needs plus I want to know if he needs a friend. My issues is ME - I need to develop some self control and I'm struggling. Feel out of control. I can't resist texting then the delay in his response drives me nuts. I'm a compulsive replier with normal friends at the best of times. Let alone when stressed and it's AP. Just need to work out some techniques re managing this. At very least I want to contain my contact to when he starts it as I don't want to put any extra stress on him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yeah I think my phone always near me is part of the issue.

 

Re block. I can't re work needs plus I want to know if he needs a friend. My issues is ME - I need to develop some self control and I'm struggling. Feel out of control. I can't resist texting then the delay in his response drives me nuts. I'm a compulsive replier with normal friends at the best of times. Let alone when stressed and it's AP. Just need to work out some techniques re managing this. At very least I want to contain my contact to when he starts it as I don't want to put any extra stress on him.

 

Oh boy. He needs a friend? You can't be his friend. Listen, I am not judging you. I've been where you are. I'm just trying to save you 10 months of this. I wish I could go back and just cut it off once it ended.

[sadsickandscared]

7 hour delay yesterday and all I was during that time was stressed I had done the wrong thing sending the message. Then I got a lovely message I replied a few hours later as I tried not to and then didn't get a reply. Sent some nice ones this morning saying I'm turning phone off today as need some me time but hope he has a lovely day. Also sent him some tips re move/daughter settling in. Re. Go take her shopping for new pj's bed linen etc for his place a d make sure she has a pic of her mum in her room. I've seen my nieces go through what his daughter is and I don't think guys think like females. Just trying to help him. Can't stand enough. I care more that he is ok that I need to have the affair. Although I am struggling with the massive reduction in our communication

[MidnightBlue1980]

7 hour delay yesterday and all I was during that time was stressed I had done the wrong thing sending the message. Then I got a lovely message I replied a few hours later as I tried not to and then didn't get a reply. Sent some nice ones this morning saying I'm turning phone off today as need some me time but hope he has a lovely day. Also sent him some tips re move/daughter settling in. Re. Go take her shopping for new pj's bed linen etc for his place a d make sure she has a pic of her mum in her room. I've seen my nieces go through what his daughter is and I don't think guys think like females. Just trying to help him. Can't stand enough. I care more that he is ok that I need to have the affair. Although I am struggling with the massive reduction in our communication

 

Ok. I went through this. This stopped me - if my husband found out, he would flip the f**k out and all would crash down around me. Is your marriage worth some texts? Get scared. Because this guy may tell your husband. After all, he left right? He has nothing left to lose.

[sadsickandscared]

Not sure I understand. Why would he. He is ok with us not being together. It's what he wants right now. He asked for us to be friends. I was the one initially that said I couldn't do that.

 

BS would probably be hurt but after he saw what I did and went through supporting my sister and neices through a separation he would get that I'm trying to help.

[sadsickandscared]

Plus it's not like he has replied.

 

Unless you mean he would complain to my BS. Which given work he wouldn't do as if my BS went nuts he could get us both sacked. So AP does have things to loose. Plus remember he didn't leave for me and he left. He wanted the end not his wife. He had been trying for 2 yrs. at first she wasn't happy but then as it progressed she put more and more pressure re his work hours and he got more and more unhappy re fights.