In need of support/ / to do what I need to

[Logan787]

A word of advice. His happiness is not YOUR responsibility, that would be HIS responsibility. Everyone is accountable and responsible for their own happiness and someone else isn't. If someone isn't happy with their self, then another person cannot do that for them. You can do everything in the world to help make that person happy, and it still might not work. They have to make a conscious decision to help improve themselves and not otherwise. They have to work on themselves FIRST. Also, his family and his wife should be helping to do that, NOT YOU. Your responsibility is YOUR family, quit using your energy and resources trying to make him happy, when it is YOUR family that is needing your time, attention, and focus. You can't climb two trees at the same time.

Also, trying to make him happy, wondering if he is ok, and trying to end this on the right note, are just excuses that you are internally and subconsciously making to stay with him and not end it. You probably don't even know this, but I believe it to be true. Your responsibility is to your husband and your children, and it seems you have been neglecting and ignoring them all the while you are caught in this web with a married man. It is a web that is hard for you to get out of and the more you try, the deeper you sink. Like quicksand. Your family is suffering more than you think through all of this, because all of your attention and time and passion is being exhausted on this other man that has robbed your family of a major cog and that is you.

My advice would be to work out a different working relationship with another business associate and rip the band aid off swiftly. You are trying to take a deeply entrenched tape off of a sore and sensitive wound off slowly and it is excruciating to you. My advice would be to end the working relationship and affair, and quit trying to end it "justly" and "worried about his happiness and feelings". Your family's happiness and feelings come first NOT his. Readjust your priorities.

You say it's an important business relationship and he is a good friend. Do you really expect this affair not to cost you something. You play the game, you pay the price. You are allowed to choose your sin, but you are not allowed to choose the consequences to your sin. Hope this helps you. You need to move on and get on with your life,. This man is poison to you and he is holding you back. If you lose your family over him, you will highly regret it. You have no right to mess up your children's lives(if you do leave your husband for him), and force them into a broken marriage and mixed family all because of your feelings....which I think are highly delusional. Get your head straight and get back to a clear way of thinking and emotionally healthy. Your wanting an easy road back....That road does not exist. I hope you get back where you need to be with your family.

[BluesPower]

Logan787 is so correct. Every thing he\she said is completely true.

 

I just want to ask some questions, if you want to answer, fine. If you don't that is fine as well.

 

Does the fact that your husband is such a weak man make you feel better or worse about him. I am sure that you say, "He I s not weak, he has the strength to let me figure out my mind". Hogwash.

 

He is a scared and frightened man, afraid that his cheating wife will decide to leave him.

 

Did you ever love your husband or have any respect for him at all?

 

Does hubby get to have a few side pieces? Maybe some young hot escorts or a FWB or is he too big of a puss for that?

 

Now this is just a guess, but I am guessing that most of the money is in your name? Right or wrong?

 

Why would you put a man like your husband through something like this?

 

Does it make you feel superior that he is so weak a husband?

 

So on to your MM. He is almost as weak as your husband. You having to worry and take care of him and wanting him to be ok. This is just another weak man that you want to take care of. My gosh the least you could do is have some decent sex and you are not even doing that. At least he left his wife, for now.

 

Do you see some type of pattern here? I really think that is an issue you may want to look at.

 

Don't stay for the kids. They know what is going on even if they do not understand the details. They are learning that mommy is hurting daddy and daddy just takes it. Is that how you want them to be when they grow up.

 

Understand, I am not wanting to be harsh, but is seems to me that you are living in some type of la la land.

 

I hope you won't mind answering some these questions and take time to think about them. Good luck...

[grassisorisntgreener]

I want to be really sensitive to your issue because I was you. I have since left my husband, and I'm not with my MM, though I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still something I thought about from time to time.

 

But anyway, STOP. You aren't a teenager. You have children FFS.

 

Since my split the kids have been fine, great actually, and are adjusting really well. But two nights ago in bed my 5 year old cried out of the blue and told me that he wishes I still lived with Daddy.

 

THESE are the moments that you need to worry about. Not whether your MM is sad or not.

[BTDT2012]

Wow - so many comments there. Not sure where to start.

 

 

Yes husband knows everything and yes he knows we are still in contact. He is an incredible person who knows me very well. He knows if he forces the issue I will run. He is doing what he can to support and be there and so strength for our family. I love and respect him and appreciate my actions haven't been focused on him. Re: still seeing MM it was only done to ensure I knew what I wanted before I did it. Might not make sense but I know plenty of people who have turned their and their kids lives upside down for a mistake. I was and am trying to avoid that.

 

 

Stop using your husband. He deserves better than a woman who is more concerned about her AP than her husband and kids. Your actions are not those of a woman who loves and respects her husband.

[DKT3]

Stop using your husband. He deserves better than a woman who is more concerned about her AP than her husband and kids. Your actions are not those of a woman who loves and respects her husband.

 

I would normally agree with this. However in this case I believe she just doesn't truly understand the gravity of the situation. I don't think she gets it. Some commented about her not being a teenager, I truly believe that is what's going on. I think she has somehow jumped on a time machine (in terms of emotional maturity) and got off at age 16. Everything about what she is saying just screams "I'm a 16 year old girl who wants a guy and don't care what my parents think". In this situation there will be great regret on her part because she will continue to blindly throw her marriage and family to the side for someone she barely knows. When the dust settles she will be standing alone wondering WTF just happened.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow - so many comments there. Not sure where to start.

 

Re: sex in the back of a car - wasn't planned and there is a lot of respect between us. It was passion and yes a mistake but I'm not copping that there wasn't respect.

 

 

No, he doesn't respect you. How do I know? I did the same thing. ((cringe)) And you know what he said immediately afterwards? I mean immediately? "I hope my wife doesn't smell your perfume on me" I wasn't even dressed.

 

They just used us for sex, lousy sex on my end (nothing in it for me...). You need to see it for what it was. Don't romanticize it. At least hookers get paid. I felt lower than that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You need to text him and only say We are going back to an only working relationship. No matter what he says or writes you , only answer if it concerns work. You will mourn the loss but the only way to get back to being happy again is to end it and work through your emotions without including him. This back and forth will fix nothing and prolong your unhappiness.

 

I agree with this but it is going to be very difficult. I am in a similar situation in that I stood to lose a lot financially so I could not leave. Mine is not a job though, and I only see him once a week at a meeting. I've recently asked him to literally just not communicate with me unless absolutely necessary, no hellos or chit chat. I am guessing you cannot do that?

There is just no way on this earth I could have actively worked with him these 10 months. But if you must, I would follow tangled's advice.

[malvern99]

Some parts of your story don't add up OP. In your initial post you said your marriage "wasn't so bad", but your last post states how unhappy you were. Your first post says you had to lie to you BH 3 weeks ago to go on that date OM stood you up on (and as a result, you couldn't go home right away), but your last post claims your BH knows everything. Your words say you love and respect your BH, but your actions scream the absolute opposite. Maybe a little clarity on these issues will allow people to advise you better.

 

You can't have a boyfriend on the side and a happy healthy family at home. It's just not possible. You have to pick one and forsake the other. The choice is yours. So far your actions say you are picking the boyfriend, and you should consider yourself fortunate that your BH is willing to tolerate that for now. However, fortune always turns and a day will come when no matter how weak you think your BH is, he will find his mojo and kick you to the curb without a second thought. That will happen not because of the A. It will happen because of how you behaved after your confession.

 

Let me guess, when you confessed, your BH was shattered and in a lot of pain. You gave him some version of the "it's over between me and AP". Your BH in his state of shock was somewhat listless, and you interpreted that as weakness, so you gave yourself the greenlight to continue the A, because you are convinced your BH will not leave you. Some or none of that may be true, but let me tell you what will eventually happen. One day your BH will wake up to the horror that is his life. He will ask himself questions along these lines. If my wife saw my hurt after her confession, how could she possibly go back to AP? Did my hurt mean anything to her? Does she have any respect for me whatsoever? If she doesn't respect me, how can she love me? If she doesn't love me, why am I wasting my time with her? This could happen next week, next month, next year etc. His answers to these questions are being determined by your behavior right now. So, you need to act in accordance to how you want him to answer said questions.

 

By any metric, your BH's and family's well being should rank much higher than AP's. Unfortunately in your case, that is not so. I just hope you know what you are doing, and that the price you will have to eventually pay will not be steeper than any perceived benefits you are getting now. Good luck.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Also I think his wife also knows.

 

I am guessing she has no idea. And that he is telling her he's been unhappy for a while and she's blaming herself and trying to figure out what she has done wrong.

 

I don't want to be harsh, because when I was in the middle of my affair I just wanted some understanding...but things just never turn out the way you think they are going to.

[awkward]

 

 

Yes husband knows everything and yes he knows we are still in contact. He is an incredible person who knows me very well. He knows if he forces the issue I will run.

 

So BH knows you spent three hours yesterday with MM? You are ALL IN with the truth and not trickle truthing like most waywards?

 

Are you ok with your family busting up and MM working it out with his wife? Can you live with that ending?

[sadsickandscared]

Logan787 is so correct. Every thing he\she aid is completely true.

 

I just want to ask some questions, if you want to answer, fine. If you don't that is fine as well.

 

Does the fact that your husband is such a weak man make you feel better or worse about him. I am sure that you say, "He I s not weak, he has the strength to let me figure out my mind". Hogwash.

 

 

""I think in all honesty there is an element of truth here. I do admire his strength but I also wished he showed he cared more. I felt invisible for years and in a way I do now. I understand the why for him and it is him but it would be easier to let go of AP if I saw and felt the hurt. ""

 

He is a scared and frightened man, afraid that his cheating wife will decide to leave him.

 

Did you ever love your husband or have any respect for him at all?

 

 

""I have always loved him. But it has always been a love based on friendship and companionship. But I knew that and accepted that, just not sure its enough forever now.""

 

Does hubby get to have a few side pieces? Maybe some young hot escorts or a FWB or is he too big of a puss for that?

 

 

""Not at all. I was his first and he just isn't into that""

 

Now this is just a guess, but I am guessing that most of the money is in your name? Right or wrong?

 

 

""Wrong - all joint names""

 

Why would you put a man like your husband through something like this?

 

 

""I don't know. I didn't plan to but couldn't/cant stop. I don't think I am ok in the head at the moment""

 

Does it make you feel superior that he is so weak a husband?

 

 

""NO""

 

So on to your MM. He is almost as weak as your husband. You having to worry and take care of him and wanting him to be ok. This is just another weak man that you want to take care of. My gosh the least you could do is have some decent sex and you are not even doing that. At least he left his wife, for now.

 

 

""In a way I agree. I think he is a decent person who tried to steer us away from this - more than I did. ""

 

Do you see some type of pattern here? I really think that is an issue you may want to look at.

 

 

""No - they are very different people. I am more myself and honest with AP ""

 

Don't stay for the kids. They know what is going on even if they do not understand the details. They are learning that mommy is hurting daddy and daddy just takes it. Is that how you want them to be when they grow up.

 

 

""No - I don't. I just need to be sure and I am also scared. Does that make me weak yep it does but AP is not a future option I understand that and he wouldn't factor in my decision""

 

Understand, I am not wanting to be harsh, but is seems to me that you are living in some type of la la land.

 

I hope you won't mind answering some these questions and take time to think about them. Good luck..

[sadsickandscared]

I am going to try and answer all the questions;

 

 

- Yes BS knows about Wednesday - knows about time and knows that we held each other. Doesn't know I kissed him goodbye. Doesn't know about decision 3 weeks ago and doesn't know about the dinner. But nothing "new" happened here. He does know everything else. He does know that it wasn't over and despite where I actually believe it is now he thinks its still on. In a way he is right cause I am far from over it.

 

 

- I am not the issue re: his family. That has been happening for a long time. I may have been the straw that broke the camels back but I haven't been the main issue. His work and their lack of being able to have more kids has been.

 

 

-Re: my first post. I was hurt and confused as to his recent behviours, cancelling things last min, going "cold" etc. I didn't understand. What you don't know is that we had agreed to no really discuss our family lives with each other. I didn't know that he was going through all this - I knew it wasn't good but I didn't know that it was this bad. If I had off I would have given him space to deal with it all. I care more about him than I do the affair

 

 

- Re: wife knowing - all I know is that she knows we talk. As a female I would have been suss. My gut is telling me she probably knows more but again we had always agreed to protect each other professionally and never disclose. I haven't told AP that BS knows its him.

 

 

-Re my marriage. I haven't been happy for a long time but I also am not someone to make a fuss. I have raised it a number of times and it was never heard. 2 years ago I had an emotional affair that shook me to the core but I didn't fix me or the marriage after. I pushed it down and said I wasn't that unhappy, we have a good life and don't fight. But I wasn't happy either. I think I have changed a lot. I got together with BS when I was a wreck, and on the rebound. He gave me unconditional love and security which I craved. He has always commented that I settled. I don't know - at the time I need that. We moved in, engaged, married within 12 months and first child next 12 months. Our sex life has always been average at best but at the start I didn't care. I needed the love. But he always love me more than I did him. It sounds like I used him but it wasn't like that. He gave me peace in myself and confidence as to who I was. And yes he so does not deserve this. I don't understand why that doesn't matter more to me. Even now I am more worried how AP is going than BS and I don't understand that. Except maybe mentally I have left the marriage... When I confessed BS wasn't what I would call devastated outwardly. I think he is but he has controlled how he is dislaying that. I haven't been ok. Ive been the one who is a mess and he has tried to help. He is very worried about me.

 

 

DKT3 - I think you are right

 

 

- I know I need to stop wasting my energy on how he is logan - Any idea how? Re: work - this "project" is the culmination of 8 years of work... he is leading it. I wont let how I feel make me walk away from the biggest thing in my career. I would never be able to live with myself. We have currently decided to end things but in a friendly way. I couldn't hate him if I tried and need to be able to function. Does that mean I will still harbour feelings for the next 12 months - yep I bet it does. But I am just hoping to accept and let go of that over time. The EA I had was also with a work colleague and 2 years down the track I can finally say I have let go. My priority right now is to look at me. I need to understand this, I need to fix me before I can fix my marriage. Its a bit like the story about putting the oxygen mask on you first - I didn't fix myself after EA and then this has happened. I need to take the time to fix and work out what I want for my future.

[BluesPower]

Thanks for your candor. I wish I could convince and alter you current course of action.

 

You may have always been "Friends" with your husband. But the passion for the OM is not really real, it is because he is not your husband for one thing. The passion is always there in an affair.

 

Listen, I know that right now you are crazy and hurting. But, you need to let your husband go. Give him his freedom, let him find a woman that will actually love him with some passion. Give him the chance to become an actual man. It will hurt him but if you really "love" him you will set him free. He is hurting so much right now, you just have no idea.

 

I feel so sorry for you and him both. My wife and I have had some real ups and downs, you just cannot imagine, but one thing is for sure, we love each other with passion. We make love with passion, and we are 50 years old.

 

And for you, you seem to realize a little that you will never be with the OM for the long term. I am glad that you see that.

 

It seems that for me, when I was a active POS, that every woman that I slept with wanted to fall in love. Maybe it is an age thing I just don't know.

 

But believe it or not your other man really just does not love you the way that you think. Maybe that is enough for now.

 

What if you sucked it up, divorce your husband, get yourself together, and actually found someone that you could really love and have passion for.

 

Your husband deservers that, and you do as well. Try not to waste your life and living it without passion.

 

I wish you the best of luck...

[sadsickandscared]

Bluespower - he wont let me go. I have tried a number of times. He always says its fixable. Married we work til we fix. He doesn't see it like I do. He thinks everything is about AP. I have tried to explain AP is a symptom of us not the problem - he just wont let go. But last night he agreed to me going to counselling then us then if a counseller could explain why it cant work he will be ok with letting us go

[MidnightBlue1980]

Your EA - how much time between that and this? You said it has been two years and you are finally over it. Are you over it because you transferred your feelings onto this MM?

 

Look, no judgement. I've been there. Obviously, I am on this board. Far from perfect. Just pointing out things you may be unaware of as I went through something similar.

[sadsickandscared]

Your EA - how much time between that and this? You said it has been two years and you are finally over it. Are you over it because you transferred your feelings onto this MM?

 

Look, no judgement. I've been there. Obviously, I am on this board. Far from perfect. Just pointing out things you may be unaware of as I went through something similar.

 

EA started 2 years ago. Went for 5 months. Hurt bad til a year ago. But virtually NC since then. Yes I think it was over in my head pre this. This has been very different - very raw

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks for your candor. I wish I could convince and alter you current course of action.

 

You may have always been "Friends" with your husband. But the passion for the OM is not really real, it is because he is not your husband for one thing. The passion is always there in an affair.

 

Listen, I know that right now you are crazy and hurting. But, you need to let your husband go. Give him his freedom, let him find a woman that will actually love him with some passion. Give him the chance to become an actual man. It will hurt him but if you really "love" him you will set him free. He is hurting so much right now, you just have no idea.

 

I feel so sorry for you and him both. My wife and I have had some real ups and downs, you just cannot imagine, but one thing is for sure, we love each other with passion. We make love with passion, and we are 50 years old.

 

And for you, you seem to realize a little that you will never be with the OM for the long term. I am glad that you see that.

 

It seems that for me, when I was a active POS, that every woman that I slept with wanted to fall in love. Maybe it is an age thing I just don't know.

 

But believe it or not your other man really just does not love you the way that you think. Maybe that is enough for now.

 

What if you sucked it up, divorce your husband, get yourself together, and actually found someone that you could really love and have passion for.

 

Your husband deservers that, and you do as well. Try not to waste your life and living it without passion.

 

I wish you the best of luck...

 

Since I have been through something really similar to the OP, I am not sure I agree to just divorce him. He should know everything and have the right to leave if he chooses, but by the same token if he wants to fight for the marriage, that is his right too. IMHO the OP cannot possibly know what she wants in the middle of all this. I understand better than anyone how it is with a work thing that you do not want to give up - believe me - and I've muddled through, but I cannot see how you (OP) can see clearly while working with both this MM and an ex EAP (emotional AP) in the same place.

 

If you need to stay here with all these guys you are going to have to be like me and really have little contact with men unless its 110% business. And really limit any personal conversations, no drinks, few lunches, stuff like that. Obviously you need to not talk to these xMM but that advice goes for any man as you are now a bucket of feelings looking for a home.

 

I'm very similar and I worked it out but you are going to have to make some big changes or you will end up possibly with some big regrets.

[MidnightBlue1980]

EA started 2 years ago. Went for 5 months. Hurt bad til a year ago. But virtually NC since then. Yes I think it was over in my head pre this. This has been very different - very raw

 

Well of course, this one was physical. I understand. Most of us do. It's like being set on fire.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Bluespower - he wont let me go. I have tried a number of times. He always says its fixable. Married we work til we fix. He doesn't see it like I do. He thinks everything is about AP. I have tried to explain AP is a symptom of us not the problem - he just wont let go. But last night he agreed to me going to counselling then us then if a counseller could explain why it cant work he will be ok with letting us go

 

Do you want a divorce because the marriage is over or do you want a divorce because you feel things are wrecked beyond repair and you are confused by your feelings for these other men?

 

Big difference. I am divorced and it was the best decision I ever made and had nothing to do with another guy. He was a terrible, verbally and emotionally abusive guy. That is scenario 1.

 

Scenario 2 - I went through earlier this year. I left and went to a motel (alone) and asked for a divorce many times because I felt I had ruined everything and there was no fixing it. Just your H, mine held on with an iron grip. 10 months later, I'm glad he did and I tell him so every day.

 

What do you want?

[sadsickandscared]

Do you want a divorce because the marriage is over or do you want a divorce because you feel things are wrecked beyond repair and you are confused by your feelings for these other men?

 

Big difference. I am divorced and it was the best decision I ever made and had nothing to do with another guy. He was a terrible, verbally and emotionally abusive guy. That is scenario 1.

 

Scenario 2 - I went through earlier this year. I left and went to a motel (alone) and asked for a divorce many times because I felt I had ruined everything and there was no fixing it. Just your H, mine held on with an iron grip. 10 months later, I'm glad he did and I tell him so every day.

 

What do you want?

 

 

I want out - but I am scared. Scared of a life alone, scared of wrecking my boys lives, scared of all the turmoil, scared of hurting one of the most loyal and decent person I know cause I don't love him enough. I am trying to get him to see he deserves someone who worships him but he just refuses to see it and only wants us

[sadsickandscared]

And I need to be sure and I'm 80-90% sure. Don't I need to be 100%

[MidnightBlue1980]

I want out - but I am scared. Scared of a life alone, scared of wrecking my boys lives, scared of all the turmoil, scared of hurting one of the most loyal and decent person I know cause I don't love him enough. I am trying to get him to see he deserves someone who worships him but he just refuses to see it and only wants us

 

Well, if you really want out, go to counseling and help him understand what you feel and why. But my suggestion is to move things quickly then and not give him false hope the counseling is to fix the marriage. It will be torture for both of you. But what happens if the MM goes back to his wife? Are you still okay with getting a divorce?

 

How old are you?

[sadsickandscared]

About to turn 39.

 

 

MM decision actually has nothing to do with it. We have never talked about a future. Doubt he wants to have a total of 5 kids :-)

 

 

But he has shown me the real me (hard to explain). And I want a different type of relationship

[malvern99]

Bluespower - he wont let me go. I have tried a number of times. He always says its fixable. Married we work til we fix. He doesn't see it like I do. He thinks everything is about AP. I have tried to explain AP is a symptom of us not the problem - he just wont let go. But last night he agreed to me going to counselling then us then if a counseller could explain why it cant work he will be ok with letting us go

 

Unfortunately, both you and your BH are wrong on this point. Your A isn't about AP and it is not a symptom of what ails your "marriage". As harsh as it may sound, the problem lies within you. Let me ask you this... Do you think your BH has been 100% happy in the "marriage" 100% of the time? The obvious answer to that is no, because no such marriages exists in the real world. That being the case, why did he not search for the answers to his marital problems outside the "marriage"?

 

You've had 2 affairs in 2 years. The coping mechanisms that allow you to go there need to be addressed or else you will find yourself in the same place in the future (in your current relationship or your next one). Individual counseling sounds like a good start to help you answer why.

 

I wish both you and your BH the best, but I can't see how you work this out. The total lack of respect for him and his well being, and him being "OK" with that does not seem like a healthy relationship. I mean, you are more concerned about the well being of someone you've known for a few months over that of the father of your children. That tells you something doesn't it. I guarantee you the normal you, whose mind isn't flooded by the affair drug, would look at state of affairs and laugh your head off because that proposition is preposterous on its face. I wish you the best of luck.

[MidnightBlue1980]

And I need to be sure and I'm 80-90% sure. Don't I need to be 100%

 

It's hard to be 100% sure of anything. With any decision in life you need to just own it and press on, trusting in yourself that you are strong and will survive.

 

I would not worry about being alone. I got remarried (not that I am someone to want to emulate...) but it is tough out there, it's pretty easy to date and stuff. but not that easy to find a new mate for a women past a certain age, depending on where you live. If you get divorced, it should not be to find a new guy but to let the wrong one go.