Surprise!

[Lion Heart]

Heregoes

 

Please spend time reading the Cheater's Handbook 101. Maybe you can Google it. I'm sure I read many clear definitions of WHAT CHEATING spouses DO to their betrayed spouses.

 

Blame shifting

Smoke screening

Mind-f***ing

Gaslighting (at times. VWH from here was an EXPERT at this)

 

There are 8 or so. It's so WONDERFUL I barely have to remember those terms now. Btw he STILL tries to use all those strategies at times. I cried over these conversations miserably straight after my D Day UNTIL I COULD NAIL every single strategy he NATURALLY USED on me.

 

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

 

Knowledge of the LAW.

Knowledge of her secret life (awful to know but POWERFUL to use).

Knowledge of Child Access and custody Laws and what you are facing there then WHAT you can also do to get what you know is right for your daughter.

 

Make sure your pay is deposited into an account in YOUR NAME ONLY. She is not ENTITLED to access your money any more.

 

I used all shared monies left on "family expenses". Yes we had a great overseas holiday!

 

I made sure I paid the full mortgage amount from the moment of separation ONCE HE WAS OUT.

 

THIS is very important here.

 

The more I paid 100%, the less he is entitled to through Settlement.

 

Sorry as your entire heart is veritably breaking, these actions DONE NOW (consented by your law advisor if you choose) WEIGH HEAVILY to your advantage in the end.

 

I sound heartless and vitriolic but I'm not. I have a heart which was used and disgustingly abused. Our children were too.

WE WERE ALL PART OF THE FACADE OF AN EXTREME NARCISSIST. Google NPD. It really helped!!

 

WHEN I followed the 180 to a T after D Day, VWH "appeared" to wake up.

Then back to HELL again.

 

GET INDEPENDENT OF HER ASAP.

Get carers to help with your Daughter as you have done. Giving her happy times. She will ask alot of questions. As I did as a child. As my children have done.

 

I always said things like "Alot has happened. So many things are not right to tell you now. I will answer all your questions honestly when you're an adult". Worked for me as a child. AND I DID ASK.

 

Worked for my children AND THEY DID ASK.

 

Do as YOU see fit as a parent. This is how I roll in all my relationships. Honesty and transparency at AGE APPROPRIATE times.

 

Blessings. I'm really feeling for you.

You WILL COME OUT OF THIS TOTALLY SH** TIME.

You WILL be ALL RIGHT.

 

You can do this. Be one of the survivors who not just survived but THRIVED without people who do HARM to you. And your daughter.

 

Lion Heart

[Heregoes]

Ok, met with both the attorney and my wife.

 

Attorney said first of all, get back in the house. Do not leave again. I went back last night.

 

She said that I could safely take half of the money in the account. She said that if I take all of it, I could be liable for leaving her without means to eat, etc, since legally half of it was hers. She said that it's unlikely my wife would pursue that, but she could. (A lot of what she said is that in her experience, the unfaithful spouse isn't going to contest a whole lot, because they want to keep the whole thing as low key as possible. That being said, its best to do everything above board, and keep myself as protected as possible.)

 

She said to file for divorce asap. I could change my mind later, but filing would put on record that my actions going forward were justified. I did say I wouldn't be changing my mind, but she told me more than half of the people who come to her over infidelity end up staying.

 

She told me not to restrict access to my daughter, but that part of filing will be that she can't leave the state with her without my consent.

 

As for the meeting, she did advise against it, but knew I wouldn't listen. She said to record any conversations. She said we have a one party consent law. I could record my conversations with her, and don't have to tell her, just don't put a recorder in her car or elsewhere to record conversations I'm not a part of.

 

She said that the photo I had was golden. She said that it would make things a lot easier, and would keep my wife a lot more agreeable, and would give me a huge advantage in any settlement. She predicted that my wife would likely not contest much of anything, because she would not want this getting out. Most people don't have ironclad evidence, so the cheater can operate as if it was all lies or misunderstanding.

 

Anyway, I think that's the main parts of that conversation. I'm supposed to call her in the next day or so with my decision. I was going to start it all then, but she told me to think and be sure before I started spending what will amount to a good bit of money.

 

This is my first dealing with an attorney. She actually spent a good bit of time with me for a free consultation. She seemed pretty caring, and wanted me to be sure of everything before I started paying her. I was surprised honestly. I really expected a lawyer to jump on getting paid as soon as possible. She told me she checked emails at night, in case I had any questions I thought of later.

 

I need to get my daughter on the bus shortly. I will post a summary of the conversation with my wife when I get back settled.

Edited September 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing ~6

[Buckeye2]

She said that it's unlikely my wife would pursue that, but she could. (A lot of what she said is that in her experience, the unfaithful spouse isn't going to contest a whole lot, because they want to keep the whole thing as low key as possible.

 

 

She predicted that my wife would likely not contest much of anything, because she would not want this getting out.

 

If you wanted to R then you should expose far and wide to break thinks up. Since you're going to divorce do the opposite. Every exposure you make is a card you can no longer play. Tell people close to you but don't tell people she cares about unless you have to. You can even let her tell her friends that you just drifted apart. Then you can clear things up after the divorce is final.

 

 

The lawyer sound great.

Edited September 21, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Buckeye2]

OM could have taken it for his own pleasure. Worse yet he could have been bragging to colleagues and friends about 'doing' Heregoes wife and took the pics to prove it.

 

For extra spice her wedding ring was in the photo.

[Buckeye2]

I would go full speed ahead for divorce even if you might what to R after talking to her. You will never get better terms than you will now.

 

 

She will have paid a price and you retained some self-respect. Then you can live together. Think of it as her being demoted to girl friend and on probation. If she cheats again you can just walk.

 

 

Being legally married was of no benefit to you. She still cheated.

[Clay]

Do as your lawyer says. The sooner you file the better the understanding will be moving forward. Its not just about Your betrayed and upset its about what you will tolerate from your wife. I think people often get lost in that part. They state how hurt they are but there is never any real consequences for the cheater actions.

 

My wife was a serial cheater. She carried on her affairs for ten years. I have no real excuse for why I stayed. She was depressed all the time and I really thought marriage was for ever. I thought I could help her. I was wrong. I had to learn the hard way. In our ninth year together I started to realize what a fool I had been. I told her about six months into that year I wanted to separate and pursue divorce. She begged for another chance. She called her family and my family and they all pushed me to stay with her for the kids. Six months later I caught her cheating on me again. All I did is give her more time to find the next guy. The salt in the wound was double what it was before. More importantly I have never really lived down why I stayed all those years. Consequences mean everything. If you never fight for you then you teach them they can do it again.

 

If anything in all of this you should be proud of yourself. You fought for yourself and your child. That to me shows a lot.

 

When I learned my wife was cheating on me again I kicked her out that day and filed within three days after Christmas. I can tell you finding a lawyer after Christmas and getting all the paper work done in three days should show just how done I was with her. I won Custody of my kids and she walked away with nothing.

 

Stick to 180 and carry a var on you at all times. I would possibly even go so far as putting a camera in the house.

 

C

[Bryanp]

Sounds like you have an excellent lawyer. Listen to her.

[Whoknew30]

Men are often accused of domestic violence or being abusive. It is prudent for men in emotionally charged times to either have a third party present or record the convo to protect themselves.

 

False allegations are difficult to dis- prove with only he said she said evidence.

 

Recording a conversation that you are party to is deemed legal just about everywhere. Recording with no ones consent is wiretapping...unless it is in a public place.

 

He didn't say she ever accused him of anything. This is why divorce turns ugly...irrational behavior. What she did was wrong but he hasn't even really talked to her...cheating doesn't equal deranged behavior all of a sudden. If jetways honesty he isn't going to get by telling her "I'm going to start recording everything you say".

[Rubix Cubed]

So it's better to wait until after she files fake DV charges to record?

There is NOTHING wrong with, and no shame in covering your a$$, and as long as he's not in California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Washington, it is completely legal without notification as long as he's present.

[ladydesigner]

So it's better to wait until after she files fake DV charges to record?

There is NOTHING wrong with, and no shame in covering your a$$, and as long as he's not in California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Washington, it is completely legal without notification as long as he's present.

 

Shoot I'm in California and that didn't even stop me from recording.

[Marc878]

You ok? You have a long way to go. Prepare yourself

 

Sorry you're here

[Stout]

Sorry for your pain, bud....I realy do feel you...had the same after nine years of our marriage....except - I did not have a picture (friend she thought would not rat - did exactly that).....that was 19 years ago...haunts me to this day.

 

Be strong...wish you all the best, mate..!!

[Marc878]

How's it going?

[Popsicle]

Just don't take her back. Ever. If you do, then your tough act meant nothing.

Edited October 5, 2016 by Popsicle

[harrybrown]

Hope you are doing well and that the wife and OM did not attack you.

 

Hope your daughter is ok.

 

any update?