Surprise!

[Wade Lamare]

I predict what's going to happen. You're going to divorce. She'll get dumped. She'll crawl back right to you.

 

Not necessarily, if OM is currently single they might be so in lurve that they shack up together.

[Heregoes]

Sorry you are going through this.

 

I would do whatever possible TODAY to make sure you are financially protected. I don't have experience with this so maybe someone else can provide more specific advice but if you have financial accounts in both your names, I'd be worried she'd clean you out before you had a chance to do anything about it.

 

I did call the bank, and they said I can't just take her name off of the account. Just withdrawing all of it is the only option.

[Buckeye2]

We live in Texas. From what I've read, there's no alimony here. I'm just starting to learn this stuff. I didn't have a reason to before.

 

If your wife is unemployed you may have to pay more child support. As your lawyer.

[Buckeye2]

I did call the bank, and they said I can't just take her name off of the account. Just withdrawing all of it is the only option.

 

I would just withdraw half now. Stop automatic deposits. Ask your lawyer.

[aliveagain]

One more thing that hadn't occurred to me.

My brother mentioned that it may be necessary to do a paternity test on my daughter.

All of this stuff keeps coming up, I haven't even started to process this yet. It's weird that I'm not even hurting a lot. Just numb.

 

Friend, I wasn't sure how to bring that up to you but if the affair has been going on that many years, go to your nearest drugstore and get yourself a DNA kit. You need the truth. It happened to me, turns out my only son wasn't mine. Read up on the "180" and make the 180 your new mantra. It will help you to remove yourself enough that your able to function. She needs to hit bottom no matter what that bottom looks like. You need to be as selfish as she has been and start thinking about a life without her.

 

You need to bring her family into this, she needs to have people around her that will have the right kind of influence over her. Her friends probably knew about her secret life, get rid of these people, they have no place in your life.

[Buckeye2]

Close joint credit cards. Each of you should apply for your own individual card that only you are responsible for.

[rester]

I did call the bank, and they said I can't just take her name off of the account. Just withdrawing all of it is the only option.

 

Like I said, I don't have experience with this so maybe someone else can correct me on the details, but I'd make sure I know exactly how much is in the account and I'd at least consider pulling 50% out of it and putting it in another account in only your name. I'm not suggesting this so you can screw her over...I'm merely suggesting this so that you don't get screwed over (any more than you already have) by her.

[Grapesofwrath]

Heregoes: I am so sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation.

 

I agree with other posters that it is imperative that you consult an attorney immediately. One other thing to consider: If attorneys are willing to meet for free the first time, consider meeting with several of the most powerful "pitbull" attorneys for that consultation. Once an attorney has met with you, even for a consultation only, s/he cannot represent your spouse. So you will not only find a good attorney, but you will protect yourself from other aggressive attorneys in your area.

 

The best offense is a good defense. Get a good lawyer and do what your lawyer advises. They are experts and will see the situation objectively.

[harrybrown]

If she ever decides to give you any information, just have her write a timeline and diary of the A.

 

Hope you have already put your photo in a safe place.

 

She is not who you thought she was. She is showing her true self now.

 

She did not respect you and is she living now with her OM?

 

after the D, then send the information to her employer and to her parents, etc.

 

Hope your daughter does okay. No matter her age, this will be a very tough adjustment for your daughter. Do not let her have unsupervised visits with the OM.

 

Maybe your parents or family can help you find a good therapist for your daughter.

 

So sorry.

[Heregoes]

If she ever decides to give you any information, just have her write a timeline and diary of the A.

 

Hope you have already put your photo in a safe place.

 

She is not who you thought she was. She is showing her true self now.

 

She did not respect you and is she living now with her OM?

 

after the D, then send the information to her employer and to her parents, etc.

 

Hope your daughter does okay. No matter her age, this will be a very tough adjustment for your daughter. Do not let her have unsupervised visits with the OM.

 

Maybe your parents or family can help you find a good therapist for your daughter.

 

So sorry.

 

I don't know where she stayed last night. My mom told me her car was at work this morning when she drove by.

My daughter is seven. My wife has worked at this place for 9 years, so it's possible. She doesn't know anything yet. She just knows we are staying with her aunt and uncle the last two days. She hasn't questioned it, luckily. She's enjoying hanging out with her cousins. I really don't know what I'm going to tell her.

I'm going to see an attorney tomorrow. My sister in law doesn't work, so she's going to go along with me, and we will go to the bank afterwards. If the attorney says it's ok to empty the account, I will. I can't really think straight right now, so I'll go with whatever they say.

 

I'm hoping she will at least call our daughter. She's always been a very good mother, so they're very close. I'm getting worried about her, surprisingly. I'm hoping she doesn't do anything to hurt herself. I considered calling her parents, so at least they can keep an eye on her.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I had a perfectly normal and happy life this time last week.

 

Yep. That's what a lot of us thought too. Turns out it was neither perfect, nor happy. Unfortunately though...turns out it WAS pretty normal. Cheating is just rampant, and always has been. So try to remember that you are in good company, brother.

 

Good job on the sleuthing. Too many of us would have taken our spouses answer at face value, because we really don't WANT the truth, and been duped further. Glad you got the answers you needed.

 

If you are leaving, my only advice is to take the high road. Living well is truly the best revenge, and the best thing you can do for yourself. She didn't do this to you. She did it to herself, and you can probably expect her to focus on how hard all of this is on HER, rather than on you.

 

That's the beauty of betrayal. It doesn't end on D-Day. Not by a longshot.

[aliveagain]

You have all you need for a decision, it would be nice if she told you the truth about the depth of her betrayal, how many years did it go on. Where it all took place, did she defile your sanctuary, let her have those furniture pieces if she did. Who knows about their affair so you can avoid them(don't be surprised if her immediate family, mother, sister already know). Make sure you have your family around you for your support. Wait until you hit the anger stage, it will come. Don't initiate contact with her, let her do that, abandonment will help your position regarding child custody. Listen to your lawyer. Above all else, nothing you did pushed her into the arms of another man. She made the conscious decision to cheat, it wasn't a mistake.

 

It takes a special kind of person to carry on a long term affair, the deception required is mind blowing. Having to schedule her times with other man around your work schedule takes a lot of planning because she had to make sure your daughter was cared for. She may have even taken your daughter on some of her dates, her mother and sister may have watched her while she and other man did their thing. She is very broken and yes she may have been a good mother but she is one hell of a sh*ty wife.

Edited September 19, 2016 by aliveagain

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm hoping she will at least call our daughter. She's always been a very good mother, so they're very close. I'm getting worried about her, surprisingly. I'm hoping she doesn't do anything to hurt herself. I considered calling her parents, so at least they can keep an eye on her.

 

Makes sense. When you talk to your in-laws, tell them a condensed version of the whole story. If the affair is ongoing, outing it to friends and family is the first step.

 

I'm wondering what I missed. We never even really fought very much. Pretty much the worst arguments we ever had were just little things. I can't even remember the last time one of us really raised our voice. We have a good home, bills are paid, etc.

 

You didn't miss anything and, assuming you've been honest and accurate here, you didn't do anything. Her decision to cheat isn't on you or about you, it happens in marriages across the spectrum from lousy to textbook good.

 

Don't beat yourself up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

As utterly disgusting as that picture is the fact that you have absolute proof positive of her cheating really is golden. It's already been mentioned here but I'll add that having strong suspicions and twisting in the wind trying to verify things is torture.

 

Since you have your daughter you should tell you wife to get the hell out of your house and move back in yourself. She probably won't know that you can't legally keep her out of the house and do as you ask. Or maybe she will be so ashamed that she'll slink away. Whatever happens with this you need to stay away from her while you are in this stunned emotional state of shock. If you give her half a chance she will try to manipulate you and use everything and anything to make you believe you are the crazy one. Stay away from her, find yourself a lawyer and a counselor and proceed with ending your marriage. That picture and the horrible way it was dumped on you makes any shot at reconciliation a joke. The only way you will begin to heal from this is to walk away.

Edited September 19, 2016 by drifter777

[Friskyone4u]

A couple of things.

 

I believe the attorney will tell you to take 1/2 of the funds in the accounts and then open your own. It is also probably very important to file for divorce as quickly as possible in order to protect yourself financially.

 

I am not an attorney but I believe in most places once you actually file you are not responsible for any further debt she racks up.

 

This sucks what happened, but understand in time you will actually realize that getting that photo saved you probably months and maybe longer of lying, deceit, and uncertainty. You I think already know it has been going on a year and that she works with the guy every day.

 

I would not waste any time with timelines or anything else. With wheat you have in front of you does it really matter. Don't do any more pain shopping.

 

I would get a VAR to carry on you to make sure she does not try to pull any stuff like false domestic violence charges. Her reaction and telling you she would not be there is a clear statement that she is check out of the marriage and you better STOP thinking of her as what she was and start thinking of her as the ENEMY right now.

 

I would b e very careful of having HER family involved in what happens from now on. Blood is thicker than water and in most cases they will eventually still wind up in her corner.

[lolablue17]

I advice you to consult a psychologist, about how to handle things with your daughter. Until then, I advice you to not telling your daughter anything. If you're in a situation you must tell her, just say that mom and dad don't get along so well but you both love her. In any terms please don't tell her that her mom is a cheater and a liar, or anything else negative about her mom. She's way way too young.

[Marc878]

I'm the kind of person who has to pick at every thread. I have a hard time just leaving things alone. I started doing some research on the guy. I did find his social media stuff, and put together that he was divorced.

I managed to find his ex-wife's name, and also a couple of email addresses for her.

I made a fake email account, and sent a message to both emails. Basicallly asking if her divorce was because of cheating, and described the message I had gotten. I didn't tell her who I was. I just told her I was concerned, and that I would appreciate it if she knew anything that would help me.

 

I didn't get any response until two nights ago. All it said was, "Is this your wife?", and a photo of my wife giving oral sex to someone. Photo looks like it was taken by the person on the receiving end, and I can't see his face, but hers is plain as day.

 

I never expected this. I didn't expect a response at all. I confronted my wife. She really didn't have a lot to say. She started to say it wasn't her, but she abandoned that pretty fast. She didn't even apologize, just kind of sat there staring at the wall.

 

I'd contact the other mans wife. I would want to know how long the affair was,etc. You'll need the info later if she comes back wanting to reconcile, etc.

 

As you've found cheaters lie, hide and deny. You only know the "tip of the iceberg".

[BuddyX]

Agree with getting all the info. Trust me, she'll be back

[bubbaganoosh]

What I don't understand is why she would allow the guy to take a picture of her giving a BJ. Not bad enough that she's cheating but to allow him to photograph is nuts. when she denied it at first, she had a 50/50 chance of getting away with it but when the proof is there in a picture, then yeah you stare at the wall.

 

Get your lawyer and follow his advice. Don't bother asking her to explain or to answer questions. It will do no good except make it worse.

[CarrieT]

I considered calling her parents, so at least they can keep an eye on her.

You should. Notify them of the situation. It is not tattle-telling as much as getting your ducks in a row to establish the necessary support system that will be required as you move forward.

 

For you, for their daughter, and for their granddaughter.

[Lowrider93]

Why is it people don't have the decency to end a relationship before getting into another, lack of respect,or do they just want their cake and eat it too.

 

Sorry about the troubles your wife brought upon you.

[Mrin]

You should. Notify them of the situation. It is not tattle-telling as much as getting your ducks in a row to establish the necessary support system that will be required as you move forward.

 

For you, for their daughter, and for their granddaughter.

 

This - I normally and not one to advocate the airing of dirty laundry but this isn't about you anymore. Rather it is about your daughter's mom. From your description it sounds like this is probably the most awful thing that has happened in her life. She's in a spot (by her own doing) that is extremely volatile and unsteady. For the sake of your daughter you should make sure that she doesn't do anything that will destroy her ability to be your daughter's mother. Your daughter doesn't deserve that - regardless of what your wife did.

 

So go ahead and reach out. Make sure she has someone watching out for her.

 

As for you - you have to decide whether you can forget the photo. I know I wouldn't. Couldn't. But you might be able. If not, then just divorce her cheating a** and be done with it.

[Lion Heart]

I don't know where she stayed last night. My mom told me her car was at work this morning when she drove by.

My daughter is seven. My wife has worked at this place for 9 years, so it's possible. She doesn't know anything yet. She just knows we are staying with her aunt and uncle the last two days. She hasn't questioned it, luckily. She's enjoying hanging out with her cousins. I really don't know what I'm going to tell her.

I'm going to see an attorney tomorrow. My sister in law doesn't work, so she's going to go along with me, and we will go to the bank afterwards. If the attorney says it's ok to empty the account, I will. I can't really think straight right now, so I'll go with whatever they say.

 

I'm hoping she will at least call our daughter. She's always been a very good mother, so they're very close. I'm getting worried about her, surprisingly. I'm hoping she doesn't do anything to hurt herself. I considered calling her parents, so at least they can keep an eye on her.

 

It's very compassionate of you concerned that your Wayward Wife may hurt herself. She's left. Gone to work as though "business as usual".

 

You haven't. I'm more concerned for you and your daughter TBH.

 

The WW in this case has had WAAAAY way longer to think of her exit plan.

You were blindsided.

No mercy.

 

Heregoes, you did EXACTLY what I did first. The rotten egg opened from this VVVVWH itself but that was under extreme pressure of his old aged OW.

 

I phoned the OW. Spoke to HER first. I knew for certain that I'd never get the truth from him.

 

HOLD THAT THOUGHT ALWAYS.

Liars are liars and when it's your SPOUSE who's done this to cover their dirty doings, expect ONLY LIES.

 

IME the "staring at the wall" little performance was to AVOID saying anything. She was ONLY thinking of HERSELF in those moments. "What will I do now" white noise from betrayed husband. "I'm outta here. This day has FINALLY come".

 

She's out.

 

You need to get back in. WITH YOUR daughter.

 

Sure follow attorney's advice. DO SEE ALL THE CUT THROAT lawyers to avoid them taking her on. Marvellous strategy!

 

I DIDN'T SEEK LEGAL ADVICE in person. I googled sh**.

Because in my country things are kind of different.

VWH had been seeing lawyers for over a decade. Pr***. I found out much later. They encouraged him to STAY for the maximum $$$$.

 

I moved ALL HIS MONEY within 20 minutes. He had $20 left. He could think about things ALL HE WANTED ON $20.

 

I moved all MY MONEY ASAP. $1,000- $5,000 per day. Into an account in my name only.

 

The WORST thing I'd get was a slap on the wrist lol. No jail term.

 

If lawyers want to TRACE money they can. It'll cost her WAY more to do so.

 

PART of the strategy.

 

My friend contacted me on the DAY I received my 1st lawyers letter from VWH. LG offered a completely DIFFERENT strategy and it worked. It's been AWESOME.

 

As I outlined. I'm not in America.

 

The first thing in Australia is NOT to consult a lawyer.

It goes a long way NOT to, to drag out Settlement and boil that dirty frog till they're whittled down to settle for anything. Everything's online. Every thing.

 

Get your friends and family who are committed to you and your daughter to study family law online.

 

EVERY DETAIL OF HER DOINGS MEAN ALOT towards you possibly getting everything.

 

There is "no fault" D in the whole of Australia. BUT Step 3 of the D process here was my winning card.

 

KNOW the law. I could PROVE without a shadow of a doubt that HE was frivolous and wasteful (25+ OW in the end plus gambling came out too) during work hours. Reducing his income. After hours reducing his child care input.

 

He has lost out on ALL sectors there and on income and assets.

 

A PSYCHOLOGIST outlined the "moral dangers" of having such an immoral parent as VWH. He lost out on his 50/50 "claim" on the children. It was only for 50% of the assets after all. All easily provable.

 

The children are 100% in my care. As outlined by a simple push backed by my friend, a Dr of Maths and Science.

Sure the kids see him. Once he got a good shake up with them refusing to see him for 9 weeks. All because of his FLAGRANT disregard for them immediately after he left. Just as your WW is doing now.

 

Note every text or phonecall. Every minute she spends with your daughter. IF she does.

 

Brace yourself.

It could be a VERY LONG time before WW comes out of her affair fog and into some version of her reality.

The fact she left immediately of her own accord is very telling.

It could be a very long time before she feels like facing her DD or you. If she does.

 

It took VWH a few dumps by OW to even begin to "get it". Wow the grass was so much greener over in "happy family land".

 

Too late.

 

No person deserves to be cheated on. It shows cowardice and greed IMHO for a cheating spouse to stay and stab their family in the back. Multiple times.

 

They get a huge dose of reality when the locks are changed. I did that without law backing. I just did it. My children and I should NEVER have to face THAT at any time of the day or night that VWH decides. I left one "half" of the home unsecured. That was his half.

 

The photo is shocking for you.

 

You have to keep it safe for all time. Sorry. It's important to. You may need it ONCE your word is discounted. And she'll try!

 

Keep posting if you can.

 

I know this is the worst time of your life. I'm sorry you're here. But you came to the right place.

 

18+ months later and we are still dealing with the devastation VWH left in his wake. It's been a long and horrible road.

 

I will never ever encourage anybody to reconcile with a cheating spouse. If D Day wasn't enough to deal with, IME it's far better to get them out and done with ASAP.

 

180.

Divorce.

Move on. With your daughter.

 

Best wishes ofcourse. Hold your head up VERY HIGH.

This is ALL ON HER.

 

Lion Heart

[Wade Lamare]

What I don't understand is why she would allow the guy to take a picture of her giving a BJ. Not bad enough that she's cheating but to allow him to photograph is nuts.

 

Maybe she didn't. OM could have taken it for his own pleasure. Worse yet he could have been bragging to colleagues and friends about 'doing' Heregoes wife and took the pics to prove it.

 

We'll no doubt know or at least know her version of what happened soon.

 

Op, you're in for a rough ride for the foreseeable future but things will get better.

[Bryanp]

Since clearly she has been having sex a long time with

this OM it is therefore essential that you get tested for

STD's as soon as possible.

 

Your wife is a real piece of work.