Surprise!

[Heregoes]

Hey guys. Thanks for all of the concern and advice. I meet with an attorney at 1:00 today. I was supposed to go at 11, but she said it would be better after lunch, so we could take as much time as we need.

My wife texted me last night, asking if I would meet with her. I asked her why, she said she just wants to explain everything, that she's not going to try and defend herself. I told her I would call her tonight. I didn't want to speak to her until after I'd gotten advice from the attorney. (I didn't tell her I was doing so.) She wants to meet in person, but I'll see what the lawyer says.

 

She hasn't touched our bank account, besides food and gas. My daughter asked where she was this morning. I just told her she was at work. That's the best I could think without lying to her.

[BuddyX]

You got our support here. Keep coming back to vent and ask for advice.

 

As far as meeting face to face, assume everything's a lie. It has been up to this point. Treated as such.

 

Odds are, she'll come up with some "I've had a rough childhood" or "I felt lonely" bs. She'll also answer a lot of the questions with "I don't know" and "it's not who I am".

 

Stay strong my friend.

[aliveagain]

Did she tell you where she is staying, does it matter now? Make sure you discuss with your lawyer your options regarding living arraignments, temporary custody. Interesting that she said nothing about your daughter or that she was sorry for hurting you.

[Buckeye2]

I got a text message from a number I didn't know last week. It just said "Hey man, you don't know me, but I wanted to give you a heads up. Your wife has been cheating on you for as long as I've worked with her.

 

To me this means that the affair has been going on for quite some time.

 

 

I asked the person who they were. The only response I got was "Not giving you my name, just thought it was ridiculous that most people here know it, and no one ever said ****. I've had this happen to me, and it sucks."

 

To me this means that the affair was still going on. If the affair had ended some time ago why tell you now when they didn't tell you before? To me this sounds like the person who told you finally got fed up with the situation (i.e. Most people knowing and the affair continuing)

[Buckeye2]

My wife texted me last night, asking if I would meet with her. I asked her why, she said she just wants to explain everything, that she's not going to try and defend herself. She wants to meet in person, but I'll see what the lawyer says.

 

It might be overkill but you should consider having a voice activated recorder (VAR) on you if you meet. It doesn't sound like she's going to try to pull something funny but you will be in shock and might not be listening very well. Her story might change later and you will have a record.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hey guys. Thanks for all of the concern and advice. I meet with an attorney at 1:00 today. I was supposed to go at 11, but she said it would be better after lunch, so we could take as much time as we need.

My wife texted me last night, asking if I would meet with her. I asked her why, she said she just wants to explain everything, that she's not going to try and defend herself. I told her I would call her tonight. I didn't want to speak to her until after I'd gotten advice from the attorney. (I didn't tell her I was doing so.) She wants to meet in person, but I'll see what the lawyer says.

 

She hasn't touched our bank account, besides food and gas. My daughter asked where she was this morning. I just told her she was at work. That's the best I could think without lying to her.

 

You're doing all the right things. It may not feel like it but you've made a ton of progress in a short period of time. Follow your lawyer's advice and think long term.

 

With your daughter, you'll obviously have contact with your wife down the road. But there's nothing wrong with presently limiting that interaction to phone calls if your feelings are too raw or you don't trust your reactions. Do what works best for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Hey guys. Thanks for all of the concern and advice. I meet with an attorney at 1:00 today. I was supposed to go at 11, but she said it would be better after lunch, so we could take as much time as we need.

My wife texted me last night, asking if I would meet with her. I asked her why, she said she just wants to explain everything, that she's not going to try and defend herself. I told her I would call her tonight. I didn't want to speak to her until after I'd gotten advice from the attorney. (I didn't tell her I was doing so.) She wants to meet in person, but I'll see what the lawyer says.

 

She hasn't touched our bank account, besides food and gas. My daughter asked where she was this morning. I just told her she was at work. That's the best I could think without lying to her.

 

Do not commit to any reconciliation at this time. You'll probably get blameshifting, etc. maybe put off a meeting until you've had time to think on this a bit.

 

You're in shock at this time. I would contact the other mans wife and try and get the full truth, etc. you don't at this time know enough and most cheaters will lie, hide and deny.

 

She's not too upset as she did go to work so I wouldn't spend any time worrying about her. I would inform her and your parents. There's no way to keep this quiet. Do not tell your wife. She caused this mess let her deal with it.

[Grapesofwrath]

I would avoid a face-to-face meeting at this time. I know this sounds melodramatic, but you are very vulnerable right now. There are a variety of possible "failure modes" here. She can try to "gaslight" you, seduce you, or use this private time to manufacture a story that she will later use against you. (False accusations of violence, etc.) Right now, I would be cautious and avoid direct contact. In fact, I would suggest you stick with only email right now, so you have documentation of all conversations.

 

Point of clarification: Filing for divorce, also known as legal separation, draws a line in the sand for financial purposes. It is VERY easy to change your mind about divorce later (though I think your case is one where divorce is clearly warrented). This action will protect you from any financial malfeasance on her part: accruing debt, taking money from savings, etc. Also, you can change your direct depost and automatic bill pay to protect your assets once this is done.

 

Divorce proceedings start out in many ways and for many reasons, but they almost always end up being about money. Get yourself prepared for that now. There is no more bitter pill than being cheated on like this, and then having to pay for the privilege by losing your assets. This may happen to some extent anyway, but try to mitigate the losses by taking action now.

 

One other thing: Remember that her "going to work" does not have the same meaning here that it has in other situations. Her AP is at work. They conduct their relationship at work. She may not be going to work because she's unphased by your DDay, but rather because that is where she goes to be with the OM. Do you know the nature of their working relationship? Is he her boss? Is she his boss?

[Wade Lamare]

My wife texted me last night, asking if I would meet with her. I asked her why, she said she just wants to explain everything, that she's not going to try and defend herself.

 

Wheeeeee BANG!

 

Oh flip, that's another bullshet meter exploded.

 

Get ready for any or all of the following. "We've grown apart." "You took me for granted." I thought you didn't love me any more." "I didn't want to hurt you so kept it secret until we were ready" I thought YOU were having an affair." "We never did anything together as a family." "ILYBNILWY"

"You forgot to take the trash out on November 28th 2012." "You slurp your soup"

 

Sorry, the last two weren't serious.

 

Whatever you get don't expect the truth.

 

She may surprise me and tell you "I'm sorry but I fell in love with another man, my bad." But I rather suspect she's going to be Captain Blameshift.

[ladydesigner]

But I rather suspect she's going to be Captain Blameshift.

 

I'm sorry but can I steal this line?:lmao:

[Wade Lamare]

I'm sorry but can I steal this line?:lmao:

 

Tis yours Madame. *Bows*

[Akheron]

Hey guys. Thanks for all of the concern and advice. I meet with an attorney at 1:00 today. I was supposed to go at 11, but she said it would be better after lunch, so we could take as much time as we need.

My wife texted me last night, asking if I would meet with her. I asked her why, she said she just wants to explain everything, that she's not going to try and defend herself. I told her I would call her tonight. I didn't want to speak to her until after I'd gotten advice from the attorney. (I didn't tell her I was doing so.) She wants to meet in person, but I'll see what the lawyer says.

 

She hasn't touched our bank account, besides food and gas. My daughter asked where she was this morning. I just told her she was at work. That's the best I could think without lying to her.

 

Three words for your discussion tonight. Voice. Activated. Recorder.

[Darren Steez]

There will be blame shifting but I fear there will be a lot of woe is me, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, etc etc.

 

To be blunt she'll play to your loins. The need to reconnect and reclaim is very powerful especially if she makes herself appear vulnerable. Can you imagine the mix of her appearing totally vulnerable, almost inviting you in? This is where the doubts come in and many men buckle and fall...or at least very seriously consider to rug sweep and try to forgive and move on.

 

Be wary.

[Marc878]

Wheeeeee BANG!

 

Oh flip, that's another bullshet meter exploded.

 

Get ready for any or all of the following. "We've grown apart." "You took me for granted." I thought you didn't love me any more." "I didn't want to hurt you so kept it secret until we were ready" I thought YOU were having an affair." "We never did anything together as a family." "ILYBNILWY"

"You forgot to take the trash out on November 28th 2012." "You slurp your soup"

 

Sorry, the last two weren't serious.

 

Whatever you get don't expect the truth.

 

She may surprise me and tell you "I'm sorry but I fell in love with another man, my bad." But I rather suspect she's going to be Captain Blameshift.

 

Hey man c'mon. He probably made the dealbreaker. Left the commode seat up on Jan 6, 2012. The trauma of that horrible incident pushed her into the arms of another man:lmao:

[aileD]

Why is it people don't have the decency to end a relationship before getting into another

 

.

 

quoted for truth.

 

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. Your wife seems to have some obvious issues. I would agree with what most people are saying and how youre handling things, i would just add this--

 

You are stunned right now, don't make any final decisions in this state of mind. You may need some time and distance to really process and know exactly what you want. I really only say this because of your daughter. You are a family unit, and yes your wife did not respect that at all....and I'm not suggesting giving her another chance...I'm just suggesting to know your options, cover your A$$, but take your time to really process everything and make your decisions the best for your daughter.

 

Good luck, it's a crappy road to be on.

[Sparta]

OP first of all buddy I'm sorry you're going through this form of abuse, my opinion its worse abuse then physical domestic violence, because you heal real quick from physical pain this is an emotional it's on your psyche. Some people have panic attacks all full out and nervous breakdowns. I mean

 

OP please for your mental health and your well-being and your child well-being. Do not second-guess the advice that you were getting here please... do not do that to yourself, these people been through their own Hell and back, they have been where you're at now and made it through to other side. they have your best interest in hand. So file for D immediately it will help snap her out of the affair fog maybe.!!! The next thing you got to do is use that fog for your benefit get your divorce in your favor a lot of times WW's in the fog will sign over everything which will heavily favor you. you're going to want to read up on the 180 it's to help you detach from her emotionally.

 

 

OP please keep Updating your thread this will help you, there are good people here. that will help you walk through this nightmare

[Silveron]

To the OP,

 

 

Sorry you are going through this and basically feeling that you lived a life of truths untold with her for however long. I'm the kind of person that won't give you advice on whether you should stay and work on things or to leave her. That is YOUR decision only, no one else on this forum has to live with/without her.

 

 

What I would recommend is to take day-to-day at a time and at time take hour-by-hour if things are too much. I would suggest looking up the seven signs of grief (google it) it's something that you will be going through.

 

 

Realize that no matter what she tells you tonight, that the reason she did the things she has, that you did not cause this. If she goes into this blame mode, I would highly suggest that you just tell her you will talk to her at a later time.

 

 

I would also suggest counseling for the both of you, this will help you a lot in seeing things from a better angle so you can make better informed decisions.

 

 

As for your daughter, that's a rough one. I have an 8 year old daughter and my wife is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Please look this up to see if your wife fits the traits.

 

 

Anyway when my wife goes off on the deep end and my daughter asks me what is going on, I try to get her to understand that some people get sick in their tummies, some get sick otherwise, but some people get sick up in their head for a little while and made a decision that wasn't good. That the sickness she has won't hurt mom but she has to find a way to make herself better.

 

 

It seems to work with my daughter and she opened up to me about other issues that gives her anxiety with her mom.

 

 

Try not to let this affect yours or your daughter's self-worth. This is a demon your wife has to figure out. If she talks to you tonight and tries to just dismiss the whole situation, I would highly suggest looking up BPD. Let us know how it goes..

Edited September 20, 2016 by Silveron

[S2B]

Move money into your name only - if nothing else at least half.

 

If you leave all the money in a joint account she will empty it herself.

 

Make decisions that are in YOUR best interest. Protect yourself.

 

If you go back to the house change the locks immediately. Do not meet with her alone - take a friend.

 

And expect her to offer you sex - manipulation tends to work for those hurting.

 

Really = anything she needs to say can be by a simple phone call. Personally I wouldn't meet her.

[drifter777]

Some have suggested a VAR - and I think it is mandatory for you to protect yourself - but I would be much bolder about the fact I'm recording everything. There are lots of Apps for iPhone or Android available that will turn your phone into a tape recorder. If you meet with her in person just take out your phone, turn on the recorder App, and say "Ok - what did you want to talk about?"

Edited September 20, 2016 by drifter777

[WilyWill]

If you meet with her in person just take out your phone, turn on the recorder App, and say "Ok - what did you want to talk about?"

 

I disagree. I think it's better to let her talk freely without feeling like her words will come back to bite her. Let her confess everything, if she's so inclined, without feeling the need to hold anything back.

 

Then later, when she tries to change her story to minimize her transgressions, you'll have her confession ready to play back to her.

[drifter777]

I disagree. I think it's better to let her talk freely without feeling like her words will come back to bite her. Let her confess everything, if she's so inclined, without feeling the need to hold anything back.

 

Then later, when she tries to change her story to minimize her transgressions, you'll have her confession ready to play back to her.

Confess everything? I mean, it's a POV photo of her giving OM oral - what's left to confess?

 

If OP needs to hear more than you are right - she will open up a lot more without a recorder. But she knows he has that photo and could feel like she has nothing to lose and do something nasty during their meeting.

[Whoknew30]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this & most likely you're in shock bc it's new. It's good you went to go see your legal options but i don't agree with using your kid as leverage bc she hurt you.

 

There is something uglier than an A, it's any parent using their kid against their spouse, even if they were cheated on & it completely blows my mind how many BS have posted that it's ok, when you said she's been a good mom. A crappy spouse doesn't always equal a crappy parent.

 

Being vindictive using a child will never make being cheated on "ok"...in the long run it just as big as failure as an A is...I hope you can get into IC for yourself & your daughter. Honestly good luck

[Whoknew30]

Some have suggested a VAR - and I think it is mandatory for you to protect yourself - but I would be much bolder about the fact I'm recording everything. There are lots of Apps for iPhone or Android available that will turn your phone into a tape recorder. If you meet with her in person just take out your phone, turn on the recorder App, and say "Ok - what did you want to talk about?"

 

He knows she cheated, he has a picture. Something like this is just childish & petty. What waisted energy....completely unproductive behavior after one already knows for sure.

[RecentChange]

Just a reminder - check your state laws. In California for example it's illegal to voice record someone without their consent unless in a public space where there is no reasonable expectation of privacy.

 

And I know this woman is probably the devil and all of that - but I will say on my D Day- I was shocked into silence at first as well. Not because I was tuning him out and planning my exit - no, because a reality I never wanted to face was right before me. I had F'ed up royaly, broke the heart of the man I loved, and could only think "it's the end of the world as I know it".

 

I know it's comforting to make things black ans white, stories of heros and despicable villains - but I find most people, and most situations are more complex than that.

 

So sorry you are going through this OP, you have some good advice here - I hope you will be able to find some comfort and peace in time. Do what you need to take care of yourself and your child, her well-being need not be your concern at the moment. I have a feeling she can handle herself.

[AlwaysGrowing]

He knows she cheated, he has a picture. Something like this is just childish & petty. What waisted energy....completely unproductive behavior after one already knows for sure.

 

Men are often accused of domestic violence or being abusive. It is prudent for men in emotionally charged times to either have a third party present or record the convo to protect themselves.

 

False allegations are difficult to dis- prove with only he said she said evidence.

 

Recording a conversation that you are party to is deemed legal just about everywhere. Recording with no ones consent is wiretapping...unless it is in a public place.

Edited September 21, 2016 by AlwaysGrowing