Online dating is so depressing

[ZA Dater]

Yeah, it was funny, because she said in her opening paragraph...and I've seen this on several others...announcing.

 

"Back here to try this again and see what happens..." and I'm thinking,

 

"Why'd you come back? What makes you think it'll be any better? Unless, of course, you plan on getting repeat emails from the same men that have been on here as long as you, yes? or no?"

 

I think the fundamental issue with OLD is the fact its consumerism, you don't get the know the person, you dismiss them too easily, and manners and suchlike don't feature at all.

 

OLD for me is soul destroying in whatever form you care to mention. I personally feel its a medium for those who cannot make it in face to face and yet its ever harder, I have yet to meet anyone who has had success with it.

[normal person]

You see where I'm getting at here? It's time to back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people.

 

If it wasn't working for most people, they'd stop doing it. Just because it doesn't work for a select minority, or isn't 100% efficient doesn't mean it doesn't work at all. A quick search reveals that one third of US marriages now start via online dating. I highly doubt those people "need to get back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people." In reality, it may take you a few years of searching, but if those few years yield a relationship that will last you the rest of your life -- someone you never would have found otherwise -- would you still consider it a waste of time? Just because you don't have immediate success doesn't mean it doesn't work.

 

The average ROI in the stock market is 7%. If you buy at the wrong time, you might be underwater shortly after you invest. But assuming you didn't mess up too bad in life, and that you got a decent job and made sensible choices, if you stick with the market through the dips without cashing out, keep adding and reinvesting the dividends, without too much trouble you can be a millionaire by your 50s, if not sooner. I would not consider that time or effort wasted just because you can't enjoy the fruits of your labor immediately.

 

Face it, if the concept didn't work, no one would meet anyone else, the companies would fail, and some other entrepreneurs would fill the niches in the dating market somehow. But not only has that not happened, people are realizing how successful the market is and now there's a new OLD site or ap for practically every methodology and subculture.

 

Online dating was good in its heyday as an option, in fact, it was stigma in the early 2000s. Now I consider it a crutch...a catalogue to thumb through, going, "nope, nope, nope nope..."

 

That catalogue nature is more or less how people select others in real life too. They look around, disregard people they don't find attractive and pay attention to those they do. The problem is, most people are think that merely having a profile is enough to warrant some "success."

 

"I made a profile and even mentioned that I like hiking, why doesn't anyone respond to my messages?!"

 

The thing about OLD is that it will shine a spotlight on yourself and also put you under the microscope, where the good and exceptional things about you can be applauded and chased after. Sadly, the problem for a lot of people is that there really isn't anything special about or exceptional about them, therefore there presence on their is just filler; the inevitable sand to have to sift through while looking for gold. So for those people, it does the opposite -- it amplifies their mediocrity and shortcomings. And let's face it, by definition, most people are mediocre, yet most people don't aim to date someone mediocre. People want to get the best for themselves, online or otherwise.

 

The problem is not OLD (a bad workman always blames his tools), the problem is that most people just aren't "highlight worthy" in a space where people are specifically looking for the highlights.

 

Now, you would hope most people who found themselves in that situation where no one pays attention to them would be smart enough to realize this after a while and do something about it like this woman, but no, they don't, they still write generic, awful, profiles, send mind numbingly dull messages, take bad pictures, don't get in shape, don't make any effort to be interesting, funny, or appealing -- basically don't do anything to improve themselves, the advertisement of themselves or raise themselves to the standard of the people they want to date -- then complain that it's the website's fault. Sorry, everyone. The website didn't make you unappealing. You just failed to adapt to the environment. And like in all Darwinistic settings, you either adapt, or you die.

 

You cannot by any means equate online dating to real life encounters in social circles. I recall, before internet dating that people would often meet "through friends" meaning through social circles.

 

They still do. It doesn't mean they can't also supplement their dating pool with thousands of other people online.

 

Now, emails become farts in the wind, while people going out and meeting in person are out from behind their computer screens , taking in all the senses, body languages, tones, mannerisms...something that's absent from the online world.

 

Technology has not yet evolved to the level of sensory experience of meeting someone in person, correct. That doesn't mean it's bad, or that if someone does OLD that they have to stop going out and meeting people "the old fashioned way." You're just using different methods to get the same thing: a partner. It's like you work one job 9-5 behind a desk during the week, and on the weekend you have another part time job in retail. You're using different methods to get the same thing: money. You wouldn't turn your nose up at the weekend job because it doesn't pay quite as much, would you? You're still getting paid, which is what you want, right?

[MidwestUSA]

How do you know she was "drop dead gorgeous"? You don't know that.

 

 

More than once, you've written enough detail here for anyone to find someone, sometimes quoting their profiles straight from POF.

 

She's blonde, drop dead gorgeous (as I said) and has beautiful white teeth; appears to be a full set!

[GemmaUK]

How do you know she was "drop dead gorgeous"? You don't know that.

 

You said she was!

[Imajerk17]

As far as going back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people, LATP does have a point. I just heard that a friend of mine met her current love at...Starbucks! They just happened to be standing in line together. Anyway, I know this sounds so cliche but there just may really be something special in their Pumpkin Spice LOL.

 

I do imagine though, that there are only so many people who go to Singles Groups, and more to the point, you'll eventually keep running into the same people over and over. If you insist upon NOT relocating (LATP) you might want to reconsider travel. You may just happen to meet a woman who will want to show you around....

Edited September 15, 2016 by Imajerk17

[LookAtThisPOst]

If it wasn't working for most people, they'd stop doing it. Just because it doesn't work for a select minority, or isn't 100% efficient doesn't mean it doesn't work at all. A quick search reveals that one third of US marriages now start via online dating. I highly doubt those people "need to get back to the old-fashioned way of meeting people." In reality, it may take you a few years of searching, but if those few years yield a relationship that will last you the rest of your life -- someone you never would have found otherwise -- would you still consider it a waste of time? Just because you don't have immediate success doesn't mean it doesn't work.

 

The average ROI in the stock market is 7%. If you buy at the wrong time, you might be underwater shortly after you invest. But assuming you didn't mess up too bad in life, and that you got a decent job and made sensible choices, if you stick with the market through the dips without cashing out, keep adding and reinvesting the dividends, without too much trouble you can be a millionaire by your 50s, if not sooner. I would not consider that time or effort wasted just because you can't enjoy the fruits of your labor immediately.

 

Face it, if the concept didn't work, no one would meet anyone else, the companies would fail, and some other entrepreneurs would fill the niches in the dating market somehow. But not only has that not happened, people are realizing how successful the market is and now there's a new OLD site or ap for practically every methodology and subculture.

 

 

 

That catalogue nature is more or less how people select others in real life too. They look around, disregard people they don't find attractive and pay attention to those they do. The problem is, most people are think that merely having a profile is enough to warrant some "success."

 

"I made a profile and even mentioned that I like hiking, why doesn't anyone respond to my messages?!"

 

The thing about OLD is that it will shine a spotlight on yourself and also put you under the microscope, where the good and exceptional things about you can be applauded and chased after. Sadly, the problem for a lot of people is that there really isn't anything special about or exceptional about them, therefore there presence on their is just filler; the inevitable sand to have to sift through while looking for gold. So for those people, it does the opposite -- it amplifies their mediocrity and shortcomings. And let's face it, by definition, most people are mediocre, yet most people don't aim to date someone mediocre. People want to get the best for themselves, online or otherwise.

 

The problem is not OLD (a bad workman always blames his tools), the problem is that most people just aren't "highlight worthy" in a space where people are specifically looking for the highlights.

 

Now, you would hope most people who found themselves in that situation where no one pays attention to them would be smart enough to realize this after a while and do something about it like this woman, but no, they don't, they still write generic, awful, profiles, send mind numbingly dull messages, take bad pictures, don't get in shape, don't make any effort to be interesting, funny, or appealing -- basically don't do anything to improve themselves, the advertisement of themselves or raise themselves to the standard of the people they want to date -- then complain that it's the website's fault. Sorry, everyone. The website didn't make you unappealing. You just failed to adapt to the environment. And like in all Darwinistic settings, you either adapt, or you die.

 

 

 

They still do. It doesn't mean they can't also supplement their dating pool with thousands of other people online.

 

 

 

Technology has not yet evolved to the level of sensory experience of meeting someone in person, correct. That doesn't mean it's bad, or that if someone does OLD that they have to stop going out and meeting people "the old fashioned way." You're just using different methods to get the same thing: a partner. It's like you work one job 9-5 behind a desk during the week, and on the weekend you have another part time job in retail. You're using different methods to get the same thing: money. You wouldn't turn your nose up at the weekend job because it doesn't pay quite as much, would you? You're still getting paid, which is what you want, right?

 

 

That's some good coverage, but you didn't cover the part about how some some encounters by a guy who had emailed the woman in their town to be ignored, only to have a chance meeting of bumping into her in person...and realized or even regretted not responding to that very same guy online.

 

It was completely apples and oranges to some of these ladies saying, "If Mike had emailed me online, I would have never responded...but since I met him in person at the said singles event, I got to know him and I couldn't be more happier without him."

 

That right there, speaks volumes that the superiority that face-to-face meetings have over online dating.

 

Guy online dating = ignored/fart in the wind to the woman.

Same guy in person = guy is given opportunity and SAME woman willing to date him.

[Imajerk17]

More than once, you've written enough detail here for anyone to find someone, sometimes quoting their profiles straight from POF.

 

She's blonde, drop dead gorgeous (as I said) and has beautiful white teeth; appears to be a full set!

 

Yeah, I remember you talking about this woman, along the lines of what @MidwestUSA and @GammaUK have said too LATP.

 

But, fine whatever. I've seen profiles of women who were "perfect for me" who never wrote me back. I think that most men have. I think the difference is that I and most others just move on instead of dwelling on it. Just as there were women who expressed interest in me, but even though what they wrote in their profile was good, I wasn't attracted going by their pictures.

 

At the end of the day, it's an online dating profile. You can't really tell that much about someone just going by their profile (hence my quotes in the previous paragraph). You have no idea what is really going on in their lives. Except, if this woman is as attractive as you have said in the past, there may be quite a possibility that other guys have written her trying to convince her that 'their values just line right up' and that they would be willing to do all the driving.

 

But on that note, yes, I do agree that in-person first impressions can be very different from online. And so I do think overall, that it is very good that you are going for a method for meeting women that works for you better!

Edited September 15, 2016 by Imajerk17

[LookAtThisPOst]

At the end of the day, it's an online dating profile. You can't really tell that much about someone just going by their profile (hence my quotes in the previous paragraph). You have no idea what is really going on in their lives. Except, if this woman is as attractive as you have said in the past, there may be quite a possibility that other guys have written her trying to convince her that 'their values just line right up' and that they would be willing to do all the driving.

 

Yeah, you do have a point. I wonder how many men would try to at least talk her into it by saying, "No problem, I'll do all the driving!" or whatever. But if you're a single, attractive woman living on a farm (think farmer's daughter reference, lol)...I dunno, why won't she relocate? She can't right?

 

I have met, however, women in real life that "hang their hats' here, are single, but find this area unappealing and tend to do a lot of road trips on their days off to other parts of the state and have a wide network of friends that span to even diff. parts of the country.

 

Some even reconnect with old high school friends from back in the day, but I have no friendships with my old high school friends or anything like that. Some aren't even open to getting to know the locals as I think that they think that too many of them will know her business if she starts to date local yokels.

 

Some of her friends would visit this area, big city people, notice the places close their doors at 10pm on a Fri night and are like "wtf? is with this place?" The well-traveled friend sometimes gets embarrassed by having her out-of-town friends stay here sometimes. lol

[LookAtThisPOst]

 

But on that note, yes, I do agree that in-person first impressions can be very different from online. And so I do think overall, that it is very good that you are going for a method for meeting women that works for you better!

 

Yes, I feel rather comfortable with this group.

[normal person]

That's some good coverage, but you didn't cover the part about how some some encounters by a guy who had emailed the woman in their town to be ignored, only to have a chance meeting of bumping into her in person...and realized or even regretted not responding to that very same guy online.

 

It was completely apples and oranges to some of these ladies saying, "If Mike had emailed me online, I would have never responded...but since I met him in person at the said singles event, I got to know him and I couldn't be more happier without him."

 

That right there, speaks volumes that the superiority that face-to-face meetings have over online dating.

 

Guy online dating = ignored/fart in the wind to the woman.

Same guy in person = guy is given opportunity and SAME woman willing to date him.

 

You're not wrong. No one's doubting that meeting someone face to face has advantages over meeting someone online. Technology is limited, it can only convey you through words and pictures, not actions, instincts, etc.

 

The thing is, you don't have to do one or the other. You can meet people in person and still supplement your dating pool with other people who you'd never meet otherwise by going online. That's the advantage of online dating, it doesn't limit you to just the people in your immediate proximity that you happen to cross paths with, which let's admit, is a minuscule amount of them. Just because it's not as "good" as meeting someone in person doesn't mean it's not better than not having the option to use it.

[NJ123]

Well, in an update that woman just randomly stopped talking to me. I think it was due to me not having a better job since when I mentioned the whole career thing & wanting to go back to get my bachelor's degree she just seemed turned off than I never heard from her again since late last night. Oh well though. I think I'm destined to be alone at this point & even trying is just making me feel worse. For whatever reason some people just never wind up with anyone or if they do they have to settle for someone they don't want. It's making me feel bitter & annoyed at times.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Well, in an update that woman just randomly stopped talking to me. I think it was due to me not having a better job since when I mentioned the whole career thing & wanting to go back to get my bachelor's degree she just seemed turned off than I never heard from her again since late last night. Oh well though. I think I'm destined to be alone at this point & even trying is just making me feel worse.

 

If it's of any consolation, I have degree(s, plural) and a semi-decent job, and women who were unemployed at the time have shot me down and stopped talking to me.

 

People here will either say it happened because 1) I was a jacka@@ to her or 2) my personality sucks, or 3) I have no game, or 4) because I'm a wussy, or 5) etc, etc, etc. None of it is true.

 

Confidence, man. Have confidence in who you. And if the world doesn't like that person, but you do, well then you better believe the world can f@ck off (unless people actually actively talk trash about you, then you probably are a jacka@@, lol).

Edited September 15, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[JuneJulySeptember]

For whatever reason some people just never wind up with anyone or if they do they have to settle for someone they don't want. It's making me feel bitter & annoyed at times.

 

Saying that other people 'settle for people they don't want' is just a spiteful way of saying, "Well, I'm doing better at life than Person B because a) I have a better relationship than them or b) I'm alone but it's better than being in the sh@tty relationship they have."

 

Worry about yourself...

 

I have to remember that I said this when I myself am single again.

Edited September 15, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[NJ123]

If it's of any consolation, I have degree(s, plural) and a semi-decent job, and women who were unemployed at the time have shot me down and stopped talking to me.

 

People here will either say it happened because 1) I was a jacka@@ to her or 2) my personality sucks, or 3) I have no game, or 4) because I'm a wussy, or 5) etc, etc, etc. None of it is true.

 

Confidence, man. Have confidence in who you. And if the world doesn't like that person, but you do, well then you better believe the world can f@ck off (unless people actually actively talk trash about you, then you probably are a jacka@@, lol).

 

I'm just frustrated with my whole situation in general in terms of my health situation among other things. I just feel like I've been an outsider my entire life & no one has ever even cared. Basically if I'm alone still even at like 45 years old no one will even give a ****. People only care when it affects themselves, but if it doesn't they couldn't care less. I feel I've been doing all the right things to improve in certain areas yet it still isn't enough. I just feel I'm going through the days for no reason at this point & it doesn't seem anything will get better. I just don't know what to do.

[NJ123]

Saying that other people 'settle for people they don't want' is just a spiteful way of saying, "Well, I'm doing better at life than Person B because a) I have a better relationship than them or b) I'm alone but it's better than being in the sh@tty relationship they have."

 

Worry about yourself...

 

I have to remember that I said this when I myself am single again.

 

True, but I just feel at this point if I want to be with someone I'll have to make some severe compromises like someone else said. But than I won't be happy in the first place. Basically my options are to be with someone I'm not attracted to or to just stay single.

[normal person]

If it's of any consolation, I have degree(s, plural) and a semi-decent job, and women who were unemployed at the time have shot me down and stopped talking to me.

 

People here will either say it happened because 1) I was a jacka@@ to her or 2) my personality sucks, or 3) I have no game, or 4) because I'm a wussy, or 5) etc, etc, etc. None of it is true.

 

Confidence, man. Have confidence in who you. And if the world doesn't like that person, but you do, well then you better believe the world can f@ck off (unless people actually actively talk trash about you, then you probably are a jacka@@, lol).

 

In today's world, it's more or less acceptable for a woman to not have a job. Unacceptable for a man, however, especially in OLD. If he wants any reasonable shot at with the women on there, he needs a bachelor's degree and/or a decent paying job just to even be considered. Same with confidence.

 

I think there is a certain standard men have to meet have any noticeable results on OLD. Have a decent paying job, be confident, be 5'10" or taller, and if possible, be pleasantly different from the rest of the pack somehow.

 

Think of OLD like a pretty respectable college, they don't just let anyone in. You need a minimum SAT score, good application essay, extracurriculars, etc.

 

True, but I just feel at this point if I want to be with someone I'll have to make some severe compromises like someone else said. But than I won't be happy in the first place. Basically my options are to be with someone I'm not attracted to or to just stay single.

 

You're right that you won't be happy with someone you're not attracted to, I can never wrap my head around people who tell others to go out with people they have no interest in.

 

Conversely, have you ever considered raising yourself to the standard of the people you want to date? Like, getting your bachelors degree? Going to the gym? Achieving something worthwhile? Doing something respectable? Figuring out how to differentiate yourself somehow? Doing something interesting?

 

If you're not, then what's the point of all this?

Edited September 15, 2016 by normal person

[NJ123]

In today's world, it's more or less acceptable for a woman to not have a job. Unacceptable for a man, however, especially in OLD. If he wants any reasonable shot at with the women on there, he needs a bachelor's degree and/or a decent paying job just to even be considered. Same with confidence.

 

I think there is a certain standard men have to meet have any noticeable results on OLD. Have a decent paying job, be confident, be 5'10" or taller, and if possible, be pleasantly different from the rest of the pack somehow.

 

Think of OLD like a pretty respectable college, they don't just let anyone in. You need a minimum SAT score, good application essay, extracurriculars, etc.

 

 

 

You're right that you won't be happy with someone you're not attracted to, I can never wrap my head around people who tell others to go out with people they have no interest in.

 

Conversely, have you ever considered raising yourself to the standard of the people you want to date? Like, getting your bachelors degree? Going to the gym? Achieving something worthwhile? Doing something respectable? Figuring out how to differentiate yourself somehow? Doing something interesting?

 

If you're not, then what's the point of all this?

 

Yeah, I don't get why people say that. I'd take being miserable & single than being miserable with someone I have no attraction to everyday.

 

And I really do want to but as I said my health is holding me back yet people think it's no big deal since they're not in my shoes. In terms of dating some say I need to focus on myself first but if I do than nothing will happen in the first place. I just don't know what to do anymore. I might wind up like the guy from the 40 year old Virgin. That's the path I'm on right now since time goes by extremely quick these days that by the time I know it I will be that age with no experience than it'll really be over. I'm just so frustrated that I'm in this horrible position.

[JuneJulySeptember]

In today's world, it's more or less acceptable for a woman to not have a job. Unacceptable for a man, however, especially in OLD. If he wants any reasonable shot at with the women on there, he needs a bachelor's degree and/or a decent paying job just to even be considered. Same with confidence.

 

I think there is a certain standard men have to meet have any noticeable results on OLD. Have a decent paying job, be confident, be 5'10" or taller, and if possible, be pleasantly different from the rest of the pack somehow.

 

Think of OLD like a pretty respectable college, they don't just let anyone in. You need a minimum SAT score, good application essay, extracurriculars, etc.

 

 

 

You're right that you won't be happy with someone you're not attracted to, I can never wrap my head around people who tell others to go out with people they have no interest in.

 

Conversely, have you ever considered raising yourself to the standard of the people you want to date? Like, getting your bachelors degree? Going to the gym? Achieving something worthwhile? Doing something respectable? Figuring out how to differentiate yourself somehow? Doing something interesting?

 

If you're not, then what's the point of all this?

 

I really don't think OLD is that much different from real life.

 

You really think a woman who has basic requirements of 5'10", 100K a year, white, and pretty standout profile (which is pretty standard as far as women's requirements go) is all of a sudden gonna drop those for a guy she meets at a Roadrunners meetup who is a 5'6" Indian dude who happens to drop some jokes and have an intelligent wit?

 

I say.

 

The women in real life who cut guys slack are the same guys who cut guys slack in OLD.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm just frustrated with my whole situation in general in terms of my health situation among other things. I just feel like I've been an outsider my entire life & no one has ever even cared. Basically if I'm alone still even at like 45 years old no one will even give a ****. People only care when it affects themselves, but if it doesn't they couldn't care less. I feel I've been doing all the right things to improve in certain areas yet it still isn't enough. I just feel I'm going through the days for no reason at this point & it doesn't seem anything will get better. I just don't know what to do.

 

If you feel the world is too selfish, then change things. Be more selfless yourself.

[NJ123]

I really don't think OLD is that much different from real life.

 

You really think a woman who has basic requirements of 5'10", 100K a year, white, and pretty standout profile (which is pretty standard as far as women's requirements go) is all of a sudden gonna drop those for a guy she meets at a Roadrunners meetup who is a 5'6" Indian dude who happens to drop some jokes and have an intelligent wit?

 

I say.

 

The women in real life who cut guys slack are the same guys who cut guys slack in OLD.

 

I think height isn't the be all end all when it comes to in real life, but online dating is a whole different story since most women likely use the height filter on there to eliminate the shorter guys automatically. Literally right now as I'm on OKCupid I just went on some woman's profile & she said please be taller than 5'11". It's just insane & pretty ridiculous. I think I'm going to delete this soon & stick with just Tinder & Bumble from now on exclusively.

[NJ123]

If you feel the world is too selfish, then change things. Be more selfless yourself.

 

One person can't change the world. The world is always going to be too selfish in general.

[normal person]

I really don't think OLD is that much different from real life.

 

You really think a woman who has basic requirements of 5'10", 100K a year, white, and pretty standout profile (which is pretty standard as far as women's requirements go) is all of a sudden gonna drop those for a guy she meets at a Roadrunners meetup who is a 5'6" Indian dude who happens to drop some jokes and have an intelligent wit?

 

I say.

 

The women in real life who cut guys slack are the same guys who cut guys slack in OLD.

 

You're using extreme examples, but there are probably a lot of instances in which an OLD profile doesn't tell the whole story, as has been discussed in earlier posts. OLD, while a great tool to get introduced to people, doesn't really let them know the "real" you until you meet, and then there's a lot of slack to be cut and perceptions to be shattered. Lots of people can't really convey positive things about themselves through a profile. And plenty of woman wouldn't know how tall 5'10" is you had them guess, or what the average salary is for whatever you do. I'm not saying you're wrong, but there is a lot of gray area here.

[NJ123]

It just seems you have to have everything or a huge list of things going for you these days to get a girlfriend otherwise you're not considered good enough to them & they move on to someone else. My options it seems right now are to stay single or to be with someone I have no attraction to if I was that desperate. I couldn't force myself to be with someone I wasn't attracted to if I even tried. I just want 100% honest answers & not some fake politically correct answer that a lot of people give.

[AMJ]

In your 30s?

1. Have a steady job that allows you to live comfortably

2. Live on your own somewhere or possibly with roommates

3. Be ready to start a life with someone else

4. Be a grown up and take care of basic life functions, have your life together

And the majority of women will want marriage and kids at some point (but not all!)

 

And then, just like anything else, every woman is different and has different qualities and values they are searching for. There's not a blanket list of attributes we need.

[NJ123]

In your 30s?

1. Have a steady job that allows you to live comfortably

2. Live on your own somewhere or possibly with roommates

3. Be ready to start a life with someone else

4. Be a grown up and take care of basic life functions, have your life together

And the majority of women will want marriage and kids at some point (but not all!)

 

And then, just like anything else, every woman is different and has different qualities and values they are searching for. There's not a blanket list of attributes we need.

 

I refuse to live with people I've never even met before. It's just not happening & for me to move out on my own where I live I'd need a lot of money since I live in a pretty expensive area of the U.S. I have to figure out what I want to do with going back to school to get my bachelor's degree since I do have my associates at the moment. And I'd be open to being married but I'm unsure if I'd ever want kids. I just don't think having kids is for me. So it seems I have a whole bunch of things working against me.