Found out my gf has had a lot of FWB relationships, am I right to be concerned

[NJ123]

In relation to what you quoted? No, I said what you quoted.

 

If you're asking me if I think most women do that, I have no idea really - I don't speak for womankind and I haven't canvassed women the world over about it, but I can tell you I'm certainly familiar w many ppl who have exes in their lives to some extent or other.

 

True, maybe it's particular but if I knew someone I was seeing had a bunch of guys she was friends with that she had history with in the past, than that's just a deal breaker for me. It's just an instant turn off whether you want to call it insecurity or what not. It just would be too weird to know she's still texting them or even hanging out with them. I wouldn't want to be friends with them myself, lets put it that way.

Edited September 8, 2016 by NJ123

[Gaeta]

True, maybe it's particular but if I knew someone I was seeing had a bunch of guys she had history with in the past, than that's just a deal breaker for me. It's just an instant turn off whether you want to call it insecurity or what not. It just would be too weird to know she's still texting them or even hanging out with them. I wouldn't want to be friends with them myself, lets put it that way.

 

I agree with you on that one.

 

I didn't think we were talking about chatting to a bunch of exs and being in constant contact with face time with them. I thought we were talking about having 1 particular ex or ex-fwb we developed a friendship with. I mean there is a healthy middle to everything. I would never chat with a bunch of exs or ex-fwb. That would be disrespectful of my bf.

[Gaeta]

True, maybe it's particular but if I knew someone I was seeing had a bunch of guys she was friends with that she had history with in the past, than that's just a deal breaker for me. It's just an instant turn off whether you want to call it insecurity or what not. It just would be too weird to know she's still texting them or even hanging out with them. I wouldn't want to be friends with them myself, lets put it that way.

 

You are taking it to the extreme with this post.

 

Again it's not OP's situation.

 

It's one thing to remain in good terms with an ex or ex-fwb, it's another to chat daily with a bunch of men while in a relationship.

[NJ123]

I agree with you on that one.

 

I didn't think we were talking about chatting to a bunch of exs and being in constant contact with face time with them. I thought we were talking about having 1 particular ex or ex-fwb we developed a friendship with. I mean there is a healthy middle to everything. I would never chat with a bunch of exs or ex-fwb. That would be disrespectful of my bf.

 

Well aren't people you consider friends people you text with & hang out with?

[NJ123]

You are taking it to the extreme with this post.

 

Again it's not OP's situation.

 

It's one thing to remain in good terms with an ex or ex-fwb, it's another to chat daily with a bunch of men while in a relationship.

 

But just being on good terms with someone isn't even really a friendship really. Friends to me are considered people you hang out with & text with regularly.

[Gaeta]

Well aren't people you consider friends people you text with & hang out with?

 

Yes, not sure where you're getting at.

 

But I am not friends with all of my ex or ex-fwb. I pick my friends carefully. My friends are people that participate in my life and enhance it. Some dude I had sex with a couple of times and kept on my phone just for chat is NOT a friend.

[xxoo]

But just being on good terms with someone isn't even really a friendship really. Friends to me are considered people you hang out with & text with regularly.

 

There's a wide range of what people consider friends. I don't text or hang out with anyone regularly, other than family, but I do have supportive friendships.

 

Most men have had their own experiences of sex outside of long term relationships, and understand how it can be just no big deal to still be in contact with an ex lover.

[SmartDude]

Ah yes this topic again.

 

The old line: "I take love so seriously that I only have sex with people I love".

 

Which most of the time translates to: "Another guys penis has been inside her and I think that's gross".

[NJ123]

Yes, not sure where you're getting at.

 

But I am not friends with all of my ex or ex-fwb. I pick my friends carefully. My friends are people that participate in my life and enhance it. Some dude I had sex with a couple of times and kept on my phone just for chat is NOT a friend.

 

Okay, but why keep them in your phone to begin with & chat with him at all if you're not friends? That makes no sense at all to me & would make me really suspicious if some woman I was seeing told me that exact same thing.

[Gaeta]

But just being on good terms with someone isn't even really a friendship really. Friends to me are considered people you hang out with & text with regularly.

 

Maybe good terms was not the right word for this.

 

You know, sometimes people have sex and it's just that. But other times you meet someone and have a fwb relationship but it turns into a friendship. A real friendship where you support each other and are there for each other through bad times.

 

I've mentioned a fwb I had for 1 year and he turned into a friend. He turned a friend because terrible life events happened to me and he did not let me down. He stayed by me, picked me up from the ground and helped me rebuild myself as a woman. Then his mother died and I was there for him, then his father died and again I was there for him. He supported me through my heartbreaks, I supported him through his. THAT is a real friend to me. Don't you think?

 

Life is not all about f-ing all the time.

[Gaeta]

Okay, but why keep them in your phone to begin with & chat with him at all if you're not friends? That makes no sense at all to me & would make me really suspicious if some woman I was seeing told me that exact same thing.

 

I am sorry I said that but it excluded myself.

 

When I met my boyfriend I deleted ALL of them and I kept my friends.

[kendahke]

Of course it's being asked, right here in these forums and I'm responding.

 

They aren't asking YOU.

[thecrucible]

I think it's important to recognise that women have sex drives too (ha ). No seriously that doesn't mean jump on everyone; it just means why does the odd passionate love affair during a period of being single matter in the long term? I've been single for over 5 years and I haven't sex in over a year by choice but a year ago I was having sex, it was just with guys I dated for short periods of time (not intentionally as they turned out to not have long-term potential). OP, if she's been celibate for over a year, you have nothing to worry about.

 

I also think that there can be sometimes more to it than people think. There is a lot of pressure on women to be good in the bedroom (at least more than there used to be) so we can't be a damp squib but it's like we can't be too skilled either - so how do we toe this line? And if you've been badly treated by a guy, it's not always good to admit it. Some guys will judge you for it, not empathise with you. So with some guys it's better to pretend that you were the main agent and completely confidently in control of every sexual interaction you've ever had with the opposite sex. I mean personally my number is bigger than I want it to be but I would be left more miserable now sticking with a few guys who weren't good for me just for the sake of keeping my number low.

 

People don't live in the future. They live in the here and now. And this is what your girlfriend was doing. The way she is now is not she was then.

[Poutrew]

True, maybe it's particular but if I knew someone I was seeing had a bunch of guys she was friends with that she had history with in the past, than that's just a deal breaker for me. It's just an instant turn off whether you want to call it insecurity or what not. It just would be too weird to know she's still texting them or even hanging out with them. I wouldn't want to be friends with them myself, lets put it that way.

 

Dude, you are wasting your time arguing this point from a male perspective to a female. True, from a man's point of view, the hypocrisy reeks. Woman don't see any problem keeping orbiters in their lives because it gives them power. It makes them feel good and provides a security blanket to think that they can have another man ringing at their bell the same night they break up with their current relation. Now, I guarantee you that if they found out that you had 4 or 5 sweet things in your directory that you were chatting with regularly, and she knew that you would go back to them for sex if she broke up with you, they would hit the proverbial roof. Even if you said they were 'only chat buddies' at this point in your life (how many posts on this forum start out with this very same theme)?.

 

It's tough for a guy, because even though most women profess to want a relationship based on equality, trust, and love, it just isn't true. It often boils down to: "Since I have the vagina, I make the rules. If you don't like it, there are others who would be more than happy to take your place. Now shut up, quit complaining, and service me!"

In the past, I've broken up with a woman just because she told me she learned how to be a good lover from the last guy she was banging. I told her that I wanted to have sex with her, not her last boyfriend." Most liberated women would never understand that viewpoint (she didn't), and I am not going to explain it to her... a lost cause.

Edited September 9, 2016 by Poutrew

[NJ123]

Dude, you are wasting your time arguing this point from a male perspective to a female. True, from a man's point of view, the hypocrisy reeks. Woman don't see any problem keeping orbiters in their lives because it gives them power. It makes them feel good and provides a security blanket to think that they can have another man ringing at their bell the same night they break up with their current relation. Now, I guarantee you that if they found out that you had 4 or 5 sweet things in your directory that you were chatting with regularly, and she knew that you would go back to them for sex if she broke up with you, they would hit the proverbial roof. Even if you said they were 'only chat buddies' at this point in your life (how many posts on this forum start out with this very same theme)?.

 

It's tough for a guy, because even though most women profess to want a relationship based on equality, trust, and love, it just isn't true. It often boils down to: "Since I have the vagina, I make the rules. If you don't like it, there are others who would be more than happy to take your place. Now shut up, quit complaining, and service me!"

In the past, I've broken up with a woman just because she told me she learned how to be a good lover from the last guy she was banging. I told her that I wanted to have sex with her, not her last boyfriend." Most liberated women would never understand that viewpoint (she didn't), and I am not going to explain it to her... a lost cause.

 

But that's exactly what I said to a few of them where they don't get it from a guy's perspective on these things. To a lot of women it seems like it's no big deal to keep these guys around in their lives basically just saying we're adults & we can do what we want & it's basically no big deal, while when you look at it from a guy's perspective the guy sees it as bad news & if the guy says anything than he's labeled as controlling & insecure & whatever else. Guys know just as you said these guys are just waiting in the wings ready for the relationship to end to get back to having sex with her again. Basically it's all about the woman keeping her options open it seems like. As I said, I personally think anyone that someone has been intimate with at one point should be left in the past & shouldn't be a part of their life in the present if they're in a current relationship/marriage.

 

And good point on that if the shoe was on the other foot the woman probably wouldn't be too happy if the guy was texting & hanging out from time to time with some woman he had a thing with in the past. I highly doubt they'd be okay with that.

Edited September 9, 2016 by NJ123

[Sunkissedpatio]

In the past, I've broken up with a woman just because she told me she learned how to be a good lover from the last guy she was banging. I told her that I wanted to have sex with her, not her last boyfriend." Most liberated women would never understand that viewpoint (she didn't), and I am not going to explain it to her... a lost cause.

 

And that of course that means you have never had sex with a woman outside of a serious relationship correct?

[NJ123]

And that of course that means you have never had sex with a woman outside of a serious relationship correct?

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think a big part of it was him feeling like it was really disrespectful for her to mention her last boyfriend to him & how great their sex was.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

And good point on that if the shoe was on the other foot the woman probably wouldn't be too happy if the guy was texting & hanging out from time to time with some woman he had a thing with in the past. I highly doubt they'd be okay with that.

 

I disagree with all the comments that a woman can have just friends and we not necessarily want to sleep with them when it comes to hanging out with a guy that she used to have casual sex with.

 

Just because you may not want to again, it is still totally unfair to your partner to hang out or keep texting etc. someone you were exclusively having sex with at one point.

 

And HELL no I wouldn't want my man "friending" an ex FWB. If they weren't "friends" when they were having sex there is no reason they should try to nurture the friendship while they are involved with others. That's bll****.

 

In fact, for a guy that is even more threatening probably than if his girl hangs out with a new guy friend. You hear all the time that guys can't fathom the notion of their woman having sex with another guy but might forgive an emotional affair, whereas women tend to be the other way around. (the ones that are willing to forgive that is...)

[NJ123]

I disagree with all the comments that a woman can have just friends and we not necessarily want to sleep with them when it comes to hanging out with a guy that she used to have casual sex with.

 

Just because you may not want to again, it is still totally unfair to your partner to hang out or keep texting etc. someone you were exclusively having sex with at one point.

 

And HELL no I wouldn't want my man "friending" an ex FWB. If they weren't "friends" when they were having sex there is no reason they should try to nurture the friendship while they are involved with others. That's bll****.

 

In fact, for a guy that is even more threatening probably than if his girl hangs out with a new guy friend. You hear all the time that guys can't fathom the notion of their woman having sex with another guy but might forgive an emotional affair, whereas women tend to be the other way around. (the ones that are willing to forgive that is...)

 

Yeah, there's nothing I really disagree with you on from what you wrote. I mean anyone can do what they want, but that doesn't mean everyone has to just accept it. If someone was doing something that I considered a deal breaker to have a relationship with them then I wouldn't see them anymore. Why should I have to force myself to be okay with something another person does & there's nothing I can say or do about it without being labeled in a negative way? It would just cause headaches & wouldn't make a healthy relationship.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think a big part of it was him feeling like it was really disrespectful for her to mention her last boyfriend to him & how great their sex was.

 

Oh well, that I can agree with. You should never compare past anything to your current partners.

 

Having said that, a lot of times (in my experience) men who you are involved with in the early stages of a relationship are curious and start to probe and ask a lot of questions about your past and you think you are in the "circle of trust" chatting away sharing anecdotes and then days or weeks later something you shared in that conversation that was totally innocuous (or so you thought) becomes:

 

"THOR was giving you multiple orgasms on a sex swing, and you were begging for more after the third time he screwed you in a row and he was even harder than the three times before"

 

And you're like WTF!?!? How did: "We both had matching libidos" turn into THAT?

 

Then he is put off because of his imagined ridiculous fantasy that you neither experienced or feel the need to have to talk him off the "proverbial ledge" to calm his jealousy down.

 

NOTHING good can come from a discussion about past sexual relationships if you get jealous about stuff like that, you will likely hear something you will not like so just don't go there.

[NJ123]

Oh well, that I can agree with. You should never compare past anything to your current partners.

 

Having said that, a lot of times (in my experience) men who you are involved with in the early stages of a relationship are curious and start to probe and ask a lot of questions about your past and you think you are in the "circle of trust" chatting away sharing anecdotes and then days or weeks later something you shared in that conversation that was totally innocuous (or so you thought) becomes:

 

"THOR was giving you multiple orgasms on a sex swing, and you were begging for more after the third time he screwed you in a row and he was even harder than the three times before"

 

And you're like WTF!?!? How did: "We both had matching libidos" turn into THAT?

 

Then he is put off because of his imagined ridiculous fantasy that you neither experienced or feel the need to have to talk him off the "proverbial ledge" to calm his jealousy down.

 

NOTHING good can come from a discussion about past sexual relationships if you get jealous about stuff like that, you will likely hear something you will not like so just don't go there.

 

It's kind of a weird area to go in since you do want to make sure the person you're with is really turned on by you, but at the same time you'll likely hear things you don't want to hear which will likely cause jealousy. One of my friends told me to make sure the woman I get with is really kinky with me & does a lot of things with me otherwise dump her since it's a sign she wouldn't respect me as much as the guys in her past.

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's kind of a weird area to go in since you do want to make sure the person you're with is really turned on by you, but at the same time you'll likely hear things you don't want to hear which will likely cause jealousy. One of my friends told me to make sure the woman I get with is really kinky with me & does a lot of things with me otherwise dump her since it's a sign she wouldn't respect me as much as the guys in her past.

 

So ask yourself this before you tread on those murky waters: What exactly does her past sexual experiences have to do with how much YOU turn her on?

 

If she says and acts like you are, isn't that enough? That is why we build relationships on trust. At some point you have to take that leap off the ledge and take the plunge and just go with it, in some areas of the relationship that is harder to do than others but it MUST be done. I'm sure you can tell if she is into you sexually or not. Knowing the sordid details of her past does nothing for your sexual relationship now, other than create unnecessary insecurities and weird imagined fantasies that you don't need to pollute your head with.

 

 

Tell your friend who told you that a woman MUST be kinky with you or else....to go back to their porn and fantasy land because that is not a predictor of sexual satisfaction or superiority.

 

A person will be kinky if they are sexually inclined to be that way, not because they had better or worse sex with someone else. Sometimes the kinkier the sex you need to have with someone means the harder you are trying to force sexual chemistry.

 

Sex is organic, good sex is organic. If the passion is there you will go down the path that will be most pleasurable for both regardless of kink or not. Kink doesn't mean you have better sex with someone, it just means that your perversions are a certain way vs another person's perversions. And I am using the word "perversion" in a healthy positive context not a negative way.

 

We all have perversions the question is do they match to a degree where it is very satisfying for both?

[NJ123]

So ask yourself this before you tread on those murky waters: What exactly does her past sexual experiences have to do with how much YOU turn her on?

 

If she says and acts like you are, isn't that enough? That is why we build relationships on trust. At some point you have to take that leap off the ledge and take the plunge and just go with it, in some areas of the relationship that is harder to do than others but it MUST be done. I'm sure you can tell if she is into you sexually or not. Knowing the sordid details of her past does nothing for your sexual relationship now, other than create unnecessary insecurities and weird imagined fantasies that you don't need to pollute your head with.

 

 

Tell your friend who told you that a woman MUST be kinky with you or else....to go back to their porn and fantasy land because that is not a predictor of sexual satisfaction or superiority.

 

A person will be kinky if they are sexually inclined to be that way, not because they had better or worse sex with someone else. Sometimes the kinkier the sex you need to have with someone means the harder you are trying to force sexual chemistry.

 

Sex is organic, good sex is organic. If the passion is there you will go down the path that will be most pleasurable for both regardless of kink or not. Kink doesn't mean you have better sex with someone, it just means that your perversions are a certain way vs another person's perversions. And I am using the word "perversion" in a healthy positive context not a negative way.

 

We all have perversions the question is do they match to a degree where it is very satisfying for both?

 

But the thing is what if they were doing things with other guys that she wouldn't want to do with me. How am I supposed to not feel like she's holding back with me & like she doesn't view me as good or as attractive as those other guys. That's basically what my friend was implying & he makes a good point since most guys would feel she's not as into you if they didn't want to do as much with you. Basically why settle for being second best?

[Sunkissedpatio]

But the thing is what if they were doing things with other guys that she wouldn't want to do with me. How am I supposed to not feel like she's holding back with me & like she doesn't view me as good or as attractive as those other guys. That's basically what my friend was implying & he makes a good point since most guys would feel she's not as into you if they didn't want to do as much with you. Basically why settle for being second best?

 

Has she told you this outright? And sometimes people try things out and they weren't all that into it and don't care to try it again with a new partner. It's less about the person and more about the act itself that wasn't pleasurable for them. Is that a consideration?

[NJ123]

Has she told you this outright? And sometimes people try things out and they weren't all that into it and don't care to try it again with a new partner. It's less about the person and more about the act itself that wasn't pleasurable for them. Is that a consideration?

 

I'm just saying in general, why get second best sex with someone that's supposed to be really turned on by you for why they're with you for a serious relationship. And that's fair to say, but you would have to really take their word for it & think they're really telling the truth.