Found out my gf has had a lot of FWB relationships, am I right to be concerned

[MidwestUSA]

Believe it or not, I knew of this woman on OK Cupid that was still obssessed with her ex-husband since 2000.

 

She said, "I'm still friends with my ex, and we've been apart since 2000, so you better be okay with it."

 

What kind of person openly admits this in their dating profile?

 

Someone who wants to weed out the guys who aren't okay with it.

 

It doesn't mean she's 'obsessed' with him. Where do you get that idea?

[MidwestUSA]

What's him being generous have anything to do with it? Apples and oranges.

 

It's got everything it do with it. You implied he paid me for sex. He paid for us both for a night out. Like a date, but not.

[NJ123]

Believe it or not, I knew of this woman on OK Cupid that was still obssessed with her ex-husband since 2000.

 

She said, "I'm still friends with my ex, and we've been apart since 2000, so you better be okay with it."

 

What kind of person openly admits this in their dating profile?

 

lol I have no idea. But I guess that's a pretty good reason why she's still trying to find someone after 16 years.

[MidwestUSA]

It's not exactly that though. I guess I wouldn't care if a woman I was with had a FWB at one time, but what would be an absolute deal breaker is if she was still friends with him or even associated with him in any way. To me exes & former guys that someone has had sex with should be someone of the past & not someone that should still be in their lives in any way. That's just my own opinion though.

 

Yea, I gotcha. I wouldn't disrespect my H by keeping any priors in my life.

 

Now, has he contacted me once a year? Yep. Do I know what he's thinking? Yep. If we were both available, would I go for it? Yep. The last time he emailed me, he didn't fess up to still having a girlfriend. I did some investigating, and found out she'd moved in with him. He then admitted it. Was he looking for side action even with her in his house? Yep. Do I operate that way? Nope.

 

Haven't heard from him since. No need.

[Aniela]

Yeah, she pretty much outed herself as those ladies of the evening pretty much by quoting the dollar amount. I've known men to bang a FWB for nothing. Had a friend who did this with a neighbor lady whenever he got the itch.

 

Did you just call her a prostitute?

 

FWB's can be between people who like each other, and like to spend time together. They just don't want to be committed to the other person.

[NJ123]

Yea, I gotcha. I wouldn't disrespect my H by keeping any priors in my life.

 

Now, has he contacted me once a year? Yep. Do I know what he's thinking? Yep. If we were both available, would I go for it? Yep. The last time he emailed me, he didn't fess up to still having a girlfriend. I did some investigating, and found out she'd moved in with him. He then admitted it. Was he looking for side action even with her in his house? Yep. Do I operate that way? Nope.

 

Haven't heard from him since. No need.

 

Why not just ignore him completely when he messages you if you know what he wants? Why are you even responding to him at all if you know he'd have sex with you if given the opportunity.

[Els]

I wouldn't date a guy who has had lots of FWBs in the past, but that's just a compatibility issue, there's nothing innately wrong with having had FWBs. What's up with all the moral-high-horsery and judgement?

 

I sure hope that you boys would turn down a hot girl who offered you no strings attached sex, otherwise that's just hypocrisy of the highest order.

[Aniela]

Why not just ignore him completely when he messages you if you know what he wants? Why are you even responding to him at all if you know he'd have sex with you if given the opportunity.

 

It's not like she's leading him on when she tells him "no". Why aren't you just as concerned about him contacting her, when he's in a relationship? She shut him down.

[NJ123]

I wouldn't date a guy who has had lots of FWBs in the past, but that's just a compatibility issue, there's nothing innately wrong with having had FWBs. What's up with all the moral-high-horsery and judgement?

 

I sure hope that you boys would turn down a hot girl who offered you no strings attached sex, otherwise that's just hypocrisy of the highest order.

 

If a woman had maybe 1 or 2 FWBs at most I'd probably be okay with it. But I wouldn't be okay with her still being friends with those guys in any way.

 

And of course I would have sex with her if given the opportunity, but I wouldn't be friends with her after.

[MidwestUSA]

Why not just ignore him completely when he messages you if you know what he wants? Why are you even responding to him at all if you know he'd have sex with you if given the opportunity.

 

In this particular guy's case, he's still a friend. Wanting to have sex doesn't change that. He's the first person I went on an OLD date with, and he told me I was too fresh off divorce to be dating. We went several more years before hooking up, and I turned to him for advice in the meantime.

 

We both know our boundaries. He's been divorced twice, my H was divorced twice, I'm once divorced and remarried. At some point in your life, you accept the past for what it is, and realize there are people in your social circle that yea, someone close to you may have slept with. I don't deliberately keep them around, but it happens.

[NJ123]

It's not like she's leading him on when she tells him "no". Why aren't you just as concerned about him contacting her, when he's in a relationship? She shut him down.

 

Well it's obvious he's a jerk to contact her for sex while in a relationship. She shuts him down but he keeps contacting her because she responds to him when he contacts her.

[NJ123]

In this particular guy's case, he's still a friend. Wanting to have sex doesn't change that. He's the first person I went on an OLD date with, and he told me I was too fresh off divorce to be dating. We went several more years before hooking up, and I turned to him for advice in the meantime.

 

We both know our boundaries. He's been divorced twice, my H was divorced twice, I'm once divorced and remarried. At some point in your life, you accept the past for what it is, and realize there are people in your social circle that yea, someone close to you may have slept with. I don't deliberately keep them around, but it happens.

 

The thing that's concerning is does your husband know about this guy contacting you & that you respond to him?

[MidwestUSA]

The thing that's concerning is does your husband know about this guy contacting you & that you respond to him?

 

Actually, yes. Because said guy used to be my DDS, and I have a a lot of dental work to show for it. I did find a new dentist; I've got that much common sense. I used to go in for my appointments, he'd book me at 11:45 and take me to lunch after.

[Els]

Absolutely. Do a woman right, and I don't care who she is with, she will never forget you. I still have 2 married female friends, former FWB, who occasionally get in touch with me because of this. I ignore their requests, but they still try.

 

I'm not sure why you think that these women's behaviour reflects on the rest of us. Not every woman behaves like your poorly-chosen lovers.

[Toodaloo]

Yeah, good luck with that.

 

I don't need luck - I already have it.

 

You see I am picky. I like to date the very best. If they are not the very best then I have no problem getting them out of my life forever but when you date and care for a person because they are good and decent why should that change just because you don't love them or want to have sex with them?

 

I don't see why OP has a problem with guys who are not even that close on the radar... Its just life and what happens. No point getting all stupid about it. Just man up and be proud of who you are and who you are with.

[Lois_Griffin]

Nonono I'm not talking about stuff like that. I mean she'd never given a blowjob, she'd never let a guy go down on her (although now she's into that), she'd never tried any position except missionary and doggy, so she'd never been on top either. No guy had ever licked or played with her nipples (she was like 'what are you doing!) She didn't think that people actually did French kissing in real life....

Oh brother.

 

She obviously senses that you're not good with her having a bunch of FWBs in her past, so now she's overplaying her hand trying to downplay it by acting as though she never did any of the things you two do now.

 

You actually believe that nonsense she's selling about not knowing that people French kiss in "real life?" Good lord.

[joseb]

I'm not saying people are stupid for having relationships like that. Its just for me it offers nothing, but I'm fully will to admit that different people like different things. I think lots of things are a bad idea or pointless, it's just my opinion for me, I realise other people can and do think differently.

 

I'm a very liberal guy generally, I just don't understand the desire to have sex with someone who you don't like enough to have a relationship with, the fact that I don't understand it doesn't make it wrong. .

 

Perhaps this is why some people don't 'get' fwb.

 

It's got little to do with not liking the person enough to have a relationship.

 

It's got everything to do with not wanting a relationship. At least at this time.

 

And as to all this talk of meaningless sex?

Some of the most meaningful sex I've had has been with a fwb.

Neither of us were in a place where we wanted the whole relationship bs.

It was fantastic.

[takenawayfrom]

Oh brother.

 

She obviously senses that you're not good with her having a bunch of FWBs in her past, so now she's overplaying her hand trying to downplay it by acting as though she never did any of the things you two do now.

 

You actually believe that nonsense she's selling about not knowing that people French kiss in "real life?" Good lord.

 

Hahaha, maybe, but if that's the case she's a ridiculously good actor. But also she was like this waaaay before we ever talked about our pasts sex wise. She said that whenever someone has tried to kiss her with tongues she's just closed her mouth because it feels weird, and she did this with me for about a month (both before and after we slept together). But we kiss properly now haha, I persisted and now she gets it!

[Ami1uwant]

Perhaps this is why some people don't 'get' fwb.

 

It's got little to do with not liking the person enough to have a relationship.

 

It's got everything to do with not wanting a relationship. At least at this time.

 

And as to all this talk of meaningless sex?

Some of the most meaningful sex I've had has been with a fwb.

Neither of us were in a place where we wanted the whole relationship bs.

It was fantastic.

 

 

To add on this.....

 

Sometimes fwb happen fo other reasons...

 

1. One has no time to commit to a relationship fully because of their career.

 

2. They realize they aren't compatible long term after some time dating. They feel they have key differences in relationship things such as wanting and raising kids, religion, same interests, or they relief they have very different living styles. But they are very good friends who supported check other and they do have physical attraction to each other. Since they know each other's personal stuff they know sex is safer with each other than some random hookup.

[joseb]

To add on this.....

 

Sometimes fwb happen fo other reasons...

 

1. One has no time to commit to a relationship fully because of their career.

 

2. They realize they aren't compatible long term after some time dating. They feel they have key differences in relationship things such as wanting and raising kids, religion, same interests, or they relief they have very different living styles. But they are very good friends who supported check other and they do have physical attraction to each other. Since they know each other's personal stuff they know sex is safer with each other than some random hookup.

 

This is true, but situation 2 can be bad as it might prevent one or other from finding someone suitable.

[takenawayfrom]

Perhaps this is why some people don't 'get' fwb.

 

It's got little to do with not liking the person enough to have a relationship.

 

It's got everything to do with not wanting a relationship. At least at this time.

 

And as to all this talk of meaningless sex?

Some of the most meaningful sex I've had has been with a fwb.

Neither of us were in a place where we wanted the whole relationship bs.

It was fantastic.

 

For her it was that she was moving around a lot for work and only spending at most a year in each city. So she didn't want to have any long term commitment.

 

I don't know I guess I'm not against it, its just that personally if I'm in a relationship I want to at least think it could be forever, if I felt like it wasn't going to last I'd leave or not have a relationship to start with. But different people are different and I think she realised that actually she would quite like to have a proper relationship, so it's not a bad thing that she went through that stage as without it we may not have met.

[Gaeta]

Hahaha, maybe, but if that's the case she's a ridiculously good actor. But also she was like this waaaay before we ever talked about our pasts sex wise. She said that whenever someone has tried to kiss her with tongues she's just closed her mouth because it feels weird, and she did this with me for about a month (both before and after we slept together). But we kiss properly now haha, I persisted and now she gets it!

 

She sounded pretty bad in bed. Maybe that is why she had a series of fwb, after a while some of them got tired of her sexual hang-ups. You like this girl so you took time to teach her a little but a man only wanting a fwb won't stick around for long if the girl is so inexperienced and closed off.

[central]

She sounded pretty bad in bed. Maybe that is why she had a series of fwb, after a while some of them got tired of her sexual hang-ups. You like this girl so you took time to teach her a little but a man only wanting a fwb won't stick around for long if the girl is so inexperienced and closed off.

 

He won't stay if he's unwilling to teach, or she's unwilling to learn. My last FWB was a great friend, but had some odd/bad sexual techniques. I was willing to spend some time changing those, and she was willing to learn. A couple of unimportant hang-ups remained, even so, but the main issues greatly improved. That delightful FWB relationship lasted over 5 years, and we're still friends.

[kendahke]

said that she'd seen people since then but nothing serious, so I naively though that meant she hadn't slept with anyone since her ex.

 

I take it she's an adult and not a teenager. Why would you think a grown woman wouldn't have had sex with someone else? You had a construct of who you wanted her to be going in, sounds like. When you discovered that this person on the pedestal had clay feet--like everyone else--it became an issue because of what you chose to invest in: your version of who she was and not who she actually was.

 

but I've done stuff in my past that she wouldn't be very happy about either,I need to focus on us and on our future together. She's moved on, I'm the one who's dwelling on it and it's absolutely nothing to do with me!

 

Keep this in the front of your mind. We all fall short in some way, shape or form.

[takenawayfrom]

I take it she's an adult and not a teenager. Why would you think a grown woman wouldn't have had sex with someone else? You had a construct of who you wanted her to be going in, sounds like. When you discovered that this person on the pedestal had clay feet--like everyone else--it became an issue because of what you chose to invest in: your version of who she was and not who she actually was.

 

 

 

Keep this in the front of your mind. We all fall short in some way, shape or form.

 

I think your first part is a little unfair! She asked me when my last relationship was, I said when I broke up with my ex and asked her and, she said 4 years....then later on she tells me the last time she had sex was a year ago. Personally I think a casual relationship is still a relationship, she wouldn't have sex with me until we'd been together about a month (which was about ten dates), so I assumed she was a bit conservative. She saw the last fwb for 8 months before she called it off, I mean that's significant, even if he wasn't official. I don't hold it against her, different people behave different definitions but I was just going on what I was told and how she acted, I think it was pretty reasonable to assume she hadn't slept with anyone since her ex at first. I asked her why she made me wait a month and she said that she had to be sure of how she felt about me first, which I don't understand but whatever, not a bad thing.

Edited September 8, 2016 by takenawayfrom