Author takenawayfrom Posted September 8, 2016 Author Share Posted September 8, 2016 She sounded pretty bad in bed. Maybe that is why she had a series of fwb, after a while some of them got tired of her sexual hang-ups. You like this girl so you took time to teach her a little but a man only wanting a fwb won't stick around for long if the girl is so inexperienced and closed off. Hmm, maybe, she was really really worried that I would think she was bad in bed, and told me quite early on that often she's worried of doing the wrong thing, so I feel like maybe someone has said something mean to her. Personally I think we have amazing sex, she's just so enthusiastic it's insane but she's definitely getting better and more confident. So I don't know I think a lot of sex is just being comfortable with each other and that comes with time anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I don't need luck - I already have it. You see I am picky. I like to date the very best. If they are not the very best then I have no problem getting them out of my life forever but when you date and care for a person because they are good and decent why should that change just because you don't love them or want to have sex with them? I don't see why OP has a problem with guys who are not even that close on the radar... Its just life and what happens. No point getting all stupid about it. Just man up and be proud of who you are and who you are with. The problem with it is that guys that stick around as friends still would love sex with her if they're still single. It's like they're just waiting in the wings for the relationship to end so they can have sex with her again when the opportunity arises. Guys know the deal & why they're usually uncomfortable with the whole situation. It's really a lose-lose situation for a guy though since if you say anything then you're considered controlling & telling her what to do in terms of who she associates with but if you don't say anything then it's just on the back of their mind bothering them if she still texts/hangs out with them still. I'd rather find a woman that doesn't do that personally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 You really can't tell someone what friends to have or not have. If their friends are an issue (for whatever reason - they're FWB exes or serial killers or w/e), you should date someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author takenawayfrom Posted September 8, 2016 Author Share Posted September 8, 2016 You really can't tell someone what friends to have or not have. If their friends are an issue (for whatever reason - they're FWB exes or serial killers or w/e), you should date someone else. She's not friends with then, she's in no contact, it's just that because she met them in her social circle sometimes they'll be at parties or randomly turn up at a bar with a group of friends or something. She doesn't communicate with them. I'm not worried about that. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 You really can't tell someone what friends to have or not have. If their friends are an issue (for whatever reason - they're FWB exes or serial killers or w/e), you should date someone else. That's what I mean though. If you say anything you're labeled insecure even though you know for a fact the guy/guys find your gf attractive & would jump at the chance of sex with her again. There's really no upside to it for the guy unless he's willing to put up with her being friends with those guys. But yes, I'd rather not put myself in that situation & would rather date a woman that puts guys she had sex with/ex bfs in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) Nothing you say to this girl, in the form of how to “talk to her about it” will change the fact that she had 5 FWBs. It's irrelevavt how we see a FWB situation because clearly you aren't comfortable with it. Dealing with this information has to come entirely from you because there is nothing she can say or do to change her past. No amount of discussion around the topic will ease your mind or help you accept it. It is what it is. Really there is nothing to discuss with her. If you can’t get over the fact that she did this then she is not the right woman for you. Find a way to get over the information or find another woman. Edited September 8, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 She's not friends with then, she's in no contact, it's just that because she met them in her social circle sometimes they'll be at parties or randomly turn up at a bar with a group of friends or something. She doesn't communicate with them. I'm not worried about that. I know, that was more for NJ123. That's what I mean though. If you say anything you're labeled insecure even though you know for a fact the guy/guys find your gf attractive & would jump at the chance of sex with her again. There's really no upside to it for the guy unless he's willing to put up with her being friends with those guys. But yes, I'd rather not put myself in that situation & would rather date a woman that puts guys she had sex with/ex bfs in the past. It's moot. She has friends you don't like, you can't deal w it, end of story. Stop worrying about how you appear or whether it's unfair or w/e and just move on. Agonizing over it accomplishes nothing. There may be no particular "upside" to having a partner who's friends w their exes but that doesn't speak to the fact that it doesn't bother some ppl regardless. So it's not an automatic "downside" for everyone either. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I know, that was more for NJ123. It's moot. She has friends you don't like, you can't deal w it, end of story. Stop worrying about how you appear or whether it's unfair or w/e and just move on. Agonizing over it accomplishes nothing. There may be no particular "upside" to having a partner who's friends w their exes but that doesn't speak to the fact that it doesn't bother some ppl regardless. So it's not an automatic "downside" for everyone either. I'm not in this situation right now but I'm just stating in general how it is due to the dozens of times I hear how there's always problems due to it. Why would I want to put myself in that situation. And most guys aren't okay with it but force themselves to be okay with it since they have no choice if they want to still be with her. It just personally makes no sense to me for why women do it. Don't they know these guys would still have sex with her given the opportunity. And men know this automatically which is why they are hardly okay with it but sometimes force themselves to be due to wanting to be with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Don't they know these guys would still have sex with her given the opportunity. Why should this be a worry? Men have a sexual thought every 7 minutes or something like that. My neighbor would probably have sex with me if given the opportunity, the concierge at my building, my mechanic, my accountant. Why should I worry who would have sex with me if given an opportunity? It's not important, not even interesting to me. An ex I am being civil with might want to have sex with me? meh.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 And most guys aren't okay with it Speak for yourself. And you're still agonizing - even tho it's not even happening to you atm. Stop hitting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Why should this be a worry? Men have a sexual thought every 7 minutes or something like that. My neighbor would probably have sex with me if given the opportunity, the concierge at my building, my mechanic, my accountant. Why should I worry who would have sex with me if given an opportunity? It's not important, not even interesting to me. An ex I am being civil with might want to have sex with me? meh.... But there's a complete difference between a some guy you're not friends with wanting sex with you than someone you're friends with that you talk to regularly. There not even close to being the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Speak for yourself. And you're still agonizing - even tho it's not even happening to you atm. Stop hitting yourself. True, but I'm just trying to understand why women do it since it makes no sense to me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 But there's a complete difference between a some guy you're not friends with wanting sex with you than someone you're friends with that you talk to regularly. There not even close to being the same thing. Keeping this in context with OP. She is not in contact with these ex fwb. Whether it's a friend, an ex, or a colleague it does not make any difference as long as they don't act on it and are respectful of your relationship. For all I know my platonic males friends I speak with every day might welcome getting in bed with me, how do I know I am not in their head. I don't care what's in their head as long as they respect me and my relationship. You seem to forget that women keep the gates of sex. It ain't gonna happen if we don't give the go ahead for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 But there's a complete difference between a some guy you're not friends with wanting sex with you than someone you're friends with that you talk to regularly. There not even close to being the same thing. If we women can not be friends with men who want to have sex with us, then we aren't going to have many male friends at all 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 True, but I'm just trying to understand why women do it since it makes no sense to me at all. Because they like having friends? Because it's not a problem for some ppl? Because normal ppl do things like have friendships w various ppl for various reasons? Because life? I hate that Ben and Jerry's canceled 'Creamy Caramel Utopia' but I don't let it ruin my life. I cried a tear and then moved on. Sure it's unfair and I don't understand it bc who doesn't like CCU? but I can't change the fact it's gone so I just focus on the things I have control of in my life and let the rest slide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 If we women can not be friends with men who want to have sex with us, then we aren't going to have many male friends at all What I'm trying to get is why do it especially if those guys are single. And if the woman had sex with them in the past than there's attraction on her side too. Just feel it's a recipe for disaster in terms of having current relationships when these other guys are hanging around. It just seems like they're orbiters waiting around for the current relationship to end so they can get back with her. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Keeping this in context with OP. She is not in contact with these ex fwb. Whether it's a friend, an ex, or a colleague it does not make any difference as long as they don't act on it and are respectful of your relationship. For all I know my platonic males friends I speak with every day might welcome getting in bed with me, how do I know I am not in their head. I don't care what's in their head as long as they respect me and my relationship. You seem to forget that women keep the gates of sex. It ain't gonna happen if we don't give the go ahead for it. I just mean in general I just don't get it that's all. I guess since men & women think differently is the reason why it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Because they like having friends? Because it's not a problem for some ppl? Because normal ppl do things like have friendships w various ppl for various reasons? Because life? I hate that Ben and Jerry's canceled 'Creamy Caramel Utopia' but I don't let it ruin my life. I cried a tear and then moved on. Sure it's unfair and I don't understand it bc who doesn't like CCU? but I can't change the fact it's gone so I just focus on the things I have control of in my life and let the rest slide. The thing is you're looking at it from a female perspective. You're not looking at it from the guys point of view in how they highly likely wouldn't be okay with it, but have to force themselves to be. If they had the option they would easily rather the woman not have male friends, especially if they're attractive or if they've slept with them in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 The thing is you're looking at it from a female perspective. You're not looking at it from the guys point of view in how they highly likely wouldn't be okay with it, but have to force themselves to be. If they had the option they would easily rather the woman not have male friends, especially if they're attractive or if they've slept with them in the past. I don't think you really have a grasp of the likelihoods and you're projecting your own insecurities. I'll go out on a limb and say that I assume most adult relationships are mature ones. In mature relationships, the partners trust each other and respect each others' autonomy. That means sexual history is irrelevant bc you trust your partner to be faithful to you (assuming fidelity is your thing), and that trust allows you to not obsess over it or even be particularly bothered by it, bc you know there's no inherent risk. If there is a risk, it's due to trust issues and/or character flaws on the part of your partner, not the existence of ex friends. The only cause for insecurity would be if you felt like you couldn't trust your partner, in which case you have bigger issues and you should get a new partner, not try to arbitrarily ban members of their friend list. OP's concern, fwiw, is actually about the history itself and what it means character-wise in his view, not trust. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I don't think you really have a grasp of the likelihoods and you're projecting your own insecurities. I'll go out on a limb and say that I assume most adult relationships are mature ones. In mature relationships, the partners trust each other and respect each others' autonomy. That means sexual history is irrelevant bc you trust your partner to be faithful to you (assuming fidelity is your thing), and that trust allows you to not obsess over it or even be particularly bothered by it, bc you know there's no inherent risk. If there is a risk, it's due to trust issues and/or character flaws on the part of your partner, not the existence of ex friends. The only cause for insecurity would be if you felt like you couldn't trust your partner, in which case you have bigger issues and you should get a new partner, not try to arbitrarily ban members of their friend list. OP's concern, fwiw, is actually about the history itself and what it means character-wise in his view, not trust. I guess that's fair to say, but for me personally I'd rather be with someone that has a "clean slate" so to speak where she's not associated with anyone that she was intimate with in the past. I just will never understand it personally. I've said it 2 or 3 times already but the best way for me to put it as corny as it sounds is that if I was having a wedding would I want guys that were intimate with my wife at one point to be at my wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I guess that's fair to say, but for me personally I'd rather be with someone that has a "clean slate" so to speak where she's not associated with anyone that she was intimate with in the past. I just will never understand it personally. I've said it 2 or 3 times already but the best way for me to put it as corny as it sounds is that if I was having a wedding would I want guys that were intimate with my wife at one point to be at my wedding. I guess I get that you don't understand, but it doesn't mean there aren't nonetheless perfectly legit reasons which have been expounded on now many times here by many ppl. You're certainly entitled to use whatever relationship discretion you like but I'm afraid you're gonna limit the field by being that particular rather than just doing the (sorry) grown up thing and treating ppl like adults unless they show otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I guess I get that you don't understand, but it doesn't mean there aren't nonetheless perfectly legit reasons which have been expounded on now many times here by many ppl. You're certainly entitled to use whatever relationship discretion you like but I'm afraid you're gonna limit the field by being that particular rather than just doing the (sorry) grown up thing and treating ppl like adults unless they show otherwise. So what you're saying is that most women keep guys they've slept with around as friends? Maybe it'll limit my field but it's a deal breaker for me. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 So what you're saying is that most women keep guys they've slept with around as friends? Maybe it'll limit my field but it's a deal breaker for me. In relation to what you quoted? No, I said what you quoted. If you're asking me if I think most women do that, I have no idea really - I don't speak for womankind and I haven't canvassed women the world over about it, but I can tell you I'm certainly familiar w many ppl who have exes in their lives to some extent or other. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I just personally believe people they've been intimate with should be someone of their past & not still in their present. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 What I'm trying to get is why do it especially if those guys are single. And if the woman had sex with them in the past than there's attraction on her side too. Just feel it's a recipe for disaster in terms of having current relationships when these other guys are hanging around. It just seems like they're orbiters waiting around for the current relationship to end so they can get back with her. Women are different than men in that aspect. It's not because a man is attractive to us that we wish to have sex with them.I find many men attractive and don't care to pursue them or have sex with them. Same for my ex-fwb or ex-boyfriend. At the time, back then, when I was available yes I found them attractive and I acted on that attraction. Now that I am in a good relationship I don't care how attractive these exs are. My mind isn't on them anymore. Their sex and body aren't interesting to me anymore. That might be the difference between men and women. A woman you had sex with in the past will always be F-able to you, not us women, we are not wired that way. We can take a man we had wild sex with and put him in the friend-zone just like that! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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