She contacted me again after months

[marky00]

All I'm doing is being honest.

 

Yeh, I think that is what makes it good. Keep it up. Being honest is best for sure.

[Blanco]

I swear this is my favourite thread on LoveShack. Always such an interesting read. NC, MOVE ON, YOUR EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON = BORING.

 

 

15 pages long, proves my point.

 

Are you saying we should be advocating he keep trying to reunite with someone who:

 

- Cheated on him

- Left him for someone else

- Never apologized for vanishing from his life after a long relationship

- Is now communicating with her ex behind her current boyfriend's back

 

People are telling him to move on for these reasons, in addition to it really appearing that this girl only sees OP as a friend.

 

Personally, I find it disheartening that the OP knows what it feels like to be cheated on/left for someone else, but he's perfectly content to switch roles and play the OM because it would benefit what he wants.

[Earlybird2016]

Are you saying we should be advocating he keep trying to reunite with someone who:

 

- Cheated on him

- Left him for someone else

- Never apologized for vanishing from his life after a long relationship

- Is now communicating with her ex behind her current boyfriend's back

 

People are telling him to move on for these reasons, in addition to it really appearing that this girl only sees OP as a friend.

 

Personally, I find it disheartening that the OP knows what it feels like to be cheated on/left for someone else, but he's perfectly content to switch roles and play the OM because it would benefit what he wants.

 

Couple of points.

 

I'm absolutely NOT in the market for being the OM. I've said several times that I backed off AS SOON as I found out she was seeing someone else. I've never intruded on her life or relationship from that point on, bar one neutral best wishes birthday card for someone I knew for a decade five months after she finished things. I've NO intention of being the OM.

 

And ... maybe she IS contacting me behind her boyfriend's back. Maybe she isn't. We don't know.

 

I personally don't believe he knows who I am, so yes, I'm inclined to believe that she IS messaging me in secret. Shady and deceitful, yes, but hardly the actions of someone who considers me "just a friend".

 

It's horrible, but to me that sounds more like someone potentially rethinking their decision, but unsure how to extricate themself from a rushed relationship full of early declarations of online happiness and moving in together after five months and working side by side in the same work environment WHICHEVER way she jumps.

[Blanco]

Having an emotional affair, which is probably where this would have to head if she wanted to rekindle things with you, would make you the other man.

[marky00]

Are you saying we should be advocating he keep trying to reunite with someone who:

 

- Cheated on him

- Left him for someone else

- Never apologized for vanishing from his life after a long relationship

- Is now communicating with her ex behind her current boyfriend's back

 

People are telling him to move on for these reasons, in addition to it really appearing that this girl only sees OP as a friend.

 

Personally, I find it disheartening that the OP knows what it feels like to be cheated on/left for someone else, but he's perfectly content to switch roles and play the OM because it would benefit what he wants.

 

 

U think think too much.

 

 

Take my words at face value. Just saying the other threads are a dime a dozen, not saying they aren't of benefit to those posters.

[Earlybird2016]

Having an emotional affair, which is probably where this would have to head if she wanted to rekindle things with you, would make you the other man.

 

An emotional affair with "just a friend"?

[Blanco]

An emotional affair with "just a friend"?

 

Read what I actually wrote. If she is wanting to reunite, then yes, you'd be having an emotional affair. If she doesn't want to, then she sees you as a friend. Personally, I don't think either option is particularly attractive.

 

But proceed as you will.

 

She's been with this guy for a year. Even if she's realized she's made a "mistake" she's not much of a person for stringing along this other guy for a year. And taking her back will only show her that she can do it again if she feels like it and you'll always be there waiting for her when she gets bored of the new fling.

 

Peace.

[aloneinaz]

An emotional affair with "just a friend"?

 

None of this would matter if you simply blocked her, never engaged w/her again, found your self respect and moved onto a woman who wants YOU as their main focus in life.

[BC1980]

But I realise your question is more about how long I'll continue to love her and want her back? Who knows? It seems impractical (and a bit insulting to myself) to put a deadline on my feelings. None of us, I presume, went INTO a relationship with an idea in mind of how long we'd love him or her. That's insane.

 

So I can't predict her feelings OR mine.

 

But you can still love someone while simultaneously walking away and realizing you deserve better. The fact that you keep the door open is what keeps your emotions for her alive. I had to walk away from a man I loved very much because I realized how detrimental staying in contact was to my emotional well being and self-esteem.

 

I'm not asking you to put a deadline on your feelings because you are right. No one knows when your feeling will change. I'm asking how long you intend to keep a door open for her to walk through.

[Earlybird2016]

But you can still love someone while simultaneously walking away and realizing you deserve better. The fact that you keep the door open is what keeps your emotions for her alive. I had to walk away from a man I loved very much because I realized how detrimental staying in contact was to my emotional well being and self-esteem.

 

I'm not asking you to put a deadline on your feelings because you are right. No one knows when your feeling will change. I'm asking how long you intend to keep a door open for her to walk through.

 

Ah, I see.

 

Well ... I suppose the truest answer is as long as there's no one else in my life?

 

So ... permanently, I guess.

[BC1980]

Ah, I see.

 

Well ... I suppose the truest answer is as long as there's no one else in my life?

 

So ... permanently, I guess.

 

What if she gets married?

[Earlybird2016]

What if she gets married?

 

It's kind of the same situation? As I've said, I quit chasing the same day as I found out she was with someone else (I sent a very polite text saying I still had feelings, I meant everything I'd said, but as she was seeing someone I was stopping trying to get her to talk to me). I wished her well for the future and haven't contacted since (bar the birthday wishes, which was deliberately a card rather than a text, because I didn't feel a card "expected" a response in the way that a message does).

 

So I haven't pursued, but of course my feelings haven't changed, so I guess that's the crux of it. I can't (and wouldn't wish to) control HER feelings or intrude upon HER relationship, but my love is what it is, and I'll be living with that whether she's got a boyfriend, a husband or whatever.

 

She's contacting ME now, but ultimately, the rest of my life is about MY feelings, not hers. As long I have feelings for her, I won't enter another relationship, because that's hideously unfair to a new partner.

 

So as I say ... I'm thinking permanently.

Edited October 12, 2016 by Earlybird2016

[BC1980]

Okay, so you are leaving the door permanently open. I looked back at your first post because I couldn't remember your initial reason for posting. You wanted to see if we had ideas about her motivation for contacting you. I guess everyone pretty much covered that, but does it matter? If you found out the reason was to remain friends, would you still leave the door open? I guess I'm asking if her reasons will change your actions.

[Earlybird2016]

Okay, so you are leaving the door permanently open. I looked back at your first post because I couldn't remember your initial reason for posting. You wanted to see if we had ideas about her motivation for contacting you. I guess everyone pretty much covered that, but does it matter? If you found out the reason was to remain friends, would you still leave the door open? I guess I'm asking if her reasons will change your actions.

 

It's a fair question.

 

I suppose the honest answer is no. As I say, my feelings are more about being honest with myself than based on anything I can decode from her constant contact (or lack of it, if her texts dwindle once more to nothing). If she wants only friendship ... well, we were the closestof friends for six years before the four year relationship so I could see how that might be a thing. I don't think friendship is healthy for me given my feelings, but certainly I'd rather have that than being strangers.

 

But ... I'm not sure if I buy the friendship angle. This is a chatty, effervescent woman with a huge, incredibly close and supportive family, and a whole lot of good friends. I know I've said it before but she has EVERYTHING that we as dumpers are advised to consider or pursue in terms of leaving the dumper in the dust. Support, activities, purpose.

 

Of course, even people with all those good things still need friends, but I'd venture that friendship with an ex you ghosted ten months ago would be pretty low on the list of people you'd want to connect with, especially when still in the relationship you left him for.

 

Yes, I may be chasing shadows, but I honestly can't think of a negative, ego/guilt driven reason why she'd be doing this. My therapist can't. My family can't. The people who knew us for ten years can't. Understand, I'm responding, but anyone who's read the text conversations is reading my replies as friendly but distant, no "I miss you" or asking about her life except in the most general terms. I'm not initiating anything, and haven't for months.

 

It IS weird.

[BC1980]

I suppose the honest answer is no. As I say, my feelings are more about being honest with myself than based on anything I can decode from her constant contact (or lack of it, if her texts dwindle once more to nothing). If she wants only friendship ... well, we were the closestof friends for six years before the four year relationship so I could see how that might be a thing. I don't think friendship is healthy for me given my feelings, but certainly I'd rather have that than being strangers.

 

I think you are right that it's not healthy given your feelings. Let me ask you this: would you rather sacrifice what is healthy for you than to become a stranger to her, and, if so, why? What I'm getting at is: why do you prioritize her not being a stranger over what is healthy for you? That doesn't seem beneficial to you.

 

Second question: do you think it's healthy to leave the door open permanently?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

we were the closestof friends for six years before the four year relationship

 

That is quite a long friendship prior to dating. Try and remember back to when you were only friends, what was that friendship like? Did she send you messages, confide in you etc..

 

Could it be that she is reverting back to that old dynamic with you?

 

You have been in each other's lives for a long time so it is worth considering that possibility.

[BC1980]

Did you like her for the entire friendship? I'm wondering if she controlled this from the beginning, for all those years, and knew you liked her even when you were just friends.

[Earlybird2016]

That is quite a long friendship prior to dating. Try and remember back to when you were only friends, what was that friendship like? Did she send you messages, confide in you etc..

 

Could it be that she is reverting back to that old dynamic with you?

 

You have been in each other's lives for a long time so it is worth considering that possibility.

 

The six year friendship was ... well, she called it the emotional intimacy of a boyfriend and girlfriend without the physical aspect. That's how she described it after we got together, and certainly there was a mutual agreement that the reason none of our previous relationships had really flown was because we were too interested in each other (there was no actual interference in each other's prior relationships by the way).

 

Reverting to that dynamic IS a possibility, but I really don't think she believes you can put that romantic history back in the box. Her behaviour around the breakup has been incredibly cold and unpredictable (and in six years I've SEEN how she handles breakups, never like this) and that coldness has been a shock to everyone, it seems. It's actually been suggested that the reason she ghosted was because it was the ONLY way that SHE could detach herself from her feelings for me.

 

But no matter how much she might have changed, I think that when she is done with someone, she's DONE. If you look at it in purely practical terms, she doesn't NEED my friendship. Our conversations are mostly so neutral that it's not any kind of confiding, supporting friendship from either side, really. People read the conversations and say they scream of two people walking on eggshells around each other.

 

But she KEEPS reaching out, and so that leads me to think of some hidden agenda? I've gone through the negative stuff like ego boosts and guilt and none of that seems to apply. Which only leaves with the (subjectively) positive possibilty that she's rethinking her decision to leave someone after four years and live/work 24/7 with a guy she'd only known for a few months.

 

Friendship, maybe. But I'm going with my gut, and rationality, and history and ... I just don't know.

[Earlybird2016]

Did you like her for the entire friendship? I'm wondering if she controlled this from the beginning, for all those years, and knew you liked her even when you were just friends.

 

Sorry, I was busy typing my reply to another question while yours came up. I think I've probably answered it in THAT reply, I hope.

[Zapbasket]

OP, what were some of your other romantic relationships like before this most recent one? Did you ever before have to wonder where you stood, or was your place in those women's hearts clear?

 

What about current and past friendships? Do you get to stipulate some of the terms of the friendships, or is it more that you accommodate to other people's terms?

 

And, what about your familial relationships? Did you stick up for yourself with your siblings; were your parents encouraging of your autonomy; were they attentive; were they compassionate to your vulnerability?

 

I ask these questions because while it's clear you loved and love your ex very much, it's also clear that you are willing to settle for ANYTHING she deigns to give you, while ignoring the huge, reeking mound of all she is NOT giving you. You are like a starving person: only someone who is truly at risk of dying if they do not get nourishment will accept ANY food they can get their hands on. Scraps from the trash, a mostly rotten apple that has only a small portion that is viable--the starving person will gratefully eat what the well-fed person wouldn't even consider eating. The well-fed and health-conscious person, by contrast, will hold out for foods they enjoy, that nourish them both emotionally and nutritionally. They feel a sense of abundance, and do not worry where their next meal will come from.

 

Why are you starving? What is in your past that has led you to believe that this could well be your only and last source of love, and so you ignore the molding, rotting majority of the apple and parse out the tiny portion that is still viable?

 

There is an answer to this question, and it probably isn't the one that comes most immediately to mind. This goes into deep territory.

 

"Never love anyone more than you love yourself."

[marky00]

I would agree that for horrible breakups like this one (and mine), I think they just know how wrong it is to reach out for an ego boost or guilt.

 

 

You are right that often in these cases, going cold and ghosting (especially by women) seems to be the method of choice.

 

 

So, I would agree that in this case, her contacting you is against the grain a little.

[Zapbasket]

Hey, thanks

 

You're right about how, whatever happens, the consequences of her actions sticking around if we ever got back together. And yes, I know she's been horrible, but sadly we love who we love. And btw (not that looks matter in the long run) she isn't actually that "hot" in conventional terms (she has a lazy eye, is kind of overweight for her build) but to me she's the most beautiful woman I've ever known (corny but true).

 

I know it's done in real world terms, but emotionally this will never be over.

 

I tried the charity work actually - to be honest there were a few reasons, some selfish, like keeping busy and hoping to gain some perspective, and some honestly trying to give something back. It's helped others, which is good, but hasn't helped me at all.

 

I still know there's no meaningful life without her. Thanks for being so realistic that I might not meet anyone else, I honestly appreciate that. The point is that nothing in life will ever be enough to compensate for what I've lost.

 

I'm speaking to you as someone who took a LONG time to overcome a breakup that happened three years ago now. I agree with you that the language we typically use around breakups--"getting over it," "moving on," etc.--isn't accurate. It's more that you move through it, that you absorb it as another life experience and lesson that grows your character and overall humanity. I still love my ex, for instance, but I am glad not to be with him even though I miss him often, and I would not take him back unless the circumstances were drastically different from what they were, and I know that to be not only unlikely, but the fact that it would have to be "drastically different" for it to work screams that it just isn't the right thing for me.

 

My tipping point in my recovery came when I felt this self-protective tug on my psyche, that said I had hurt enough, that I couldn't take ONE MORE DROP OF PAIN. "Yes, I love him," this voice said, "but I love myself more." And even today, I still get sad at times, and I still spy on him on FB and dating sites here and there. So I have not been perfect with the NC but I'll tell you, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, and I wouldn't let him call me up or worse, text me thinking we could just chat. I know that I am worth much more than that.

 

I think part of what is going on with you is that you are trying to compensate for the lost ten years with this person. Ten years, and she just wads it all up and throws it away like it was nothing. I think you are trying cling to your love for her as a way of making that ten years have meaning. And it holds you in this endless loop, because the harder you insist to yourself that the ten years were so meaningful, the more impossible it is for you to accept that for your ex, they didn't mean as much. What you have to evolve into seeing is that the meaning of those ten years is the meaning they had for YOU; you don't need her to validate that meaning for you. You really don't. She didn't leave you empty-handed; the relationship was a mirror to show you who you really are down to your deepest vulnerabilities and to show you what adjustments you need to make in order to live life from here on out as your most authentic self.

 

You're resisting this process because it seems you think people are urging you to let go of your love for this girl. You don't have to stop loving her. But you do need to start loving YOU. And that begins by ceasing to look for what you need from HER, and to start delving into yourself to find what you need from YOU. What people are trying to tell you in this thread is that in order to accomplish that, you do need to separate yourself from her through no contact. This current situation of her texting you when SHE wants to and you responding leaves you wondering--i.e., why is she reaching out to you / what does she want / etc. And in the wondering you are diverting your energies to her, and not to you. We're saying, begin diverting your energies to YOU. You will break a little in the process, and it will hurt and feel confusing and miserable for a time, but I PROMISE on the other side you will find this rich, open, alive, joyful but grounded man that will be your companion for the rest of your life, that will be your "sadder but wiser" YOU.

 

I promise.

[TooRational]

But I'm scared, scared I might destroy whatever fragile connection that SHE has chosen to establish.

 

That's the crux of the problem. SHE is in control of your life. SHE chooses when to reach out and on what terms. SHE has you by the balls, still.

 

YOU have to take control of your life back. You can't leave your future emotional well-being up to her.

 

As to why she's sending those texts... it doesn't really matter. What matters is how it makes you feel (what matters after all is your feelings, you remember saying that right?). It's making you feel like crap. Giving you false hope. Preventing you from moving on. That has to stop.

 

This will sound like a broken record but you take power back by asking her to never contact you again (no, not initiating is not enough). You need to let go of the hope to reunite with her again before you can start your healing process.

 

Good luck.

[Earlybird2016]

I'm speaking to you as someone who took a LONG time to overcome a breakup that happened three years ago now. I agree with you that the language we typically use around breakups--"getting over it," "moving on," etc.--isn't accurate. It's more that you move through it, that you absorb it as another life experience and lesson that grows your character and overall humanity. I still love my ex, for instance, but I am glad not to be with him even though I miss him often, and I would not take him back unless the circumstances were drastically different from what they were, and I know that to be not only unlikely, but the fact that it would have to be "drastically different" for it to work screams that it just isn't the right thing for me.

 

My tipping point in my recovery came when I felt this self-protective tug on my psyche, that said I had hurt enough, that I couldn't take ONE MORE DROP OF PAIN. "Yes, I love him," this voice said, "but I love myself more." And even today, I still get sad at times, and I still spy on him on FB and dating sites here and there. So I have not been perfect with the NC but I'll tell you, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, and I wouldn't let him call me up or worse, text me thinking we could just chat. I know that I am worth much more than that.

 

I think part of what is going on with you is that you are trying to compensate for the lost ten years with this person. Ten years, and she just wads it all up and throws it away like it was nothing. I think you are trying cling to your love for her as a way of making that ten years have meaning. And it holds you in this endless loop, because the harder you insist to yourself that the ten years were so meaningful, the more impossible it is for you to accept that for your ex, they didn't mean as much. What you have to evolve into seeing is that the meaning of those ten years is the meaning they had for YOU; you don't need her to validate that meaning for you. You really don't. She didn't leave you empty-handed; the relationship was a mirror to show you who you really are down to your deepest vulnerabilities and to show you what adjustments you need to make in order to live life from here on out as your most authentic self.

 

You're resisting this process because it seems you think people are urging you to let go of your love for this girl. You don't have to stop loving her. But you do need to start loving YOU. And that begins by ceasing to look for what you need from HER, and to start delving into yourself to find what you need from YOU. What people are trying to tell you in this thread is that in order to accomplish that, you do need to separate yourself from her through no contact. This current situation of her texting you when SHE wants to and you responding leaves you wondering--i.e., why is she reaching out to you / what does she want / etc. And in the wondering you are diverting your energies to her, and not to you. We're saying, begin diverting your energies to YOU. You will break a little in the process, and it will hurt and feel confusing and miserable for a time, but I PROMISE on the other side you will find this rich, open, alive, joyful but grounded man that will be your companion for the rest of your life, that will be your "sadder but wiser" YOU.

 

I promise.

 

Thanks for replying. All my previous relationships (including the one with the ex in question) have been very loving, based on principles of mutual respect and support. The same with familial relationships. I see what you're driving at, and this would be so much easier if my ex were fulfilling some archetypal role, or being a bandaid to some wound in my psyche. She isn't.

 

I love her for HER qualities and flaws, not because she's the missing piece to anything. I'm grateful for her contact not because I'm starved of affection, but because it's her, and as the texts go on and she shows NO SIGN of looking for an ego boost or game playing, I remain curious about her intent.

 

I COULD find someone else. In as self-objective a way as possible, I have decent looks, a great job, the options of a good social life, a reasonable amount of women showing an interest ... but I'm not interested in anyone else, because I know it can't be as good, different yes, but never good enough in comparison to her. That's how love is. I know another relationship will be a dead-end, in the same way you don't have to eat dog vomit to know it won't be as good as steak.

 

My own self-worth has nothing to do with other women unavoidably lacking the combination of qualities I found in her. It's not my fault any more than it's theirs.

[Earlybird2016]

That's the crux of the problem. SHE is in control of your life. SHE chooses when to reach out and on what terms. SHE has you by the balls, still.

 

YOU have to take control of your life back. You can't leave your future emotional well-being up to her.

 

As to why she's sending those texts... it doesn't really matter. What matters is how it makes you feel (what matters after all is your feelings, you remember saying that right?). It's making you feel like crap. Giving you false hope. Preventing you from moving on. That has to stop.

 

This will sound like a broken record but you take power back by asking her to never contact you again (no, not initiating is not enough). You need to let go of the hope to reunite with her again before you can start your healing process.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I've taken control of my life as much as I can over the last ten months. I do take your point about asking her not to contact again, but the problem is ...

 

I don't know WHY she's contacting. She's giving no sign of the classic dumper traits like ego stroking or a need to have her guilt assuaged. She's not recently broken up. She's not leading me on with an "I miss you". By the same token, she's getting NOTHING back from me, no hint that I'd come running back if she clicked her fingers, no hint of interest or jealousy about her current relationship (I'm not jealous, oddly enough).

 

I don't even think I've been demoted to the friendzone, such is the careful nature of her contact. And there's the crux of it, the woman is getting NOTHING out of contacting me repeatedly (I'm not being used for ego or emotional support, to give two examples).

 

So as the months go by and the contact continues, any potential negative reasons seems to be becoming less and less likely, which leaves only the (arguably) positive reasons like GENUINELY missing me or testing the waters pre a reconciliation attempt.

 

So that's why the reasons matter, I guess.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Earlybird2016