WS. Not telling the whole truth

[Owl6118]

He knows it's never been a facade.

 

How can I explain this in a way that will reach you?

 

Lady, he doen't know any such thing tonight. He will doubt this for a long time to come.

 

This is what I am trying to say about stopping to listen, and putting yourself in his shoes, before you react.

 

Of course he doen't know this. Put yourself in his shoes. You've given him a sheaf of evidence to doubt it. He would be literally crazy not to take time to process thouse doubts. In fact, he tried to do just that, take you on faith and focus on your healing. Look where it got him.

 

Something wants me to see you succeed. Maybe its that I beleive you were working toward a confession. Maybe I just need to beleive in the possibility of redemption.

 

But V, you really, really have to work on this business of reacting with and forcefully asserting your emotional reality of the moment and insisting its also his, mine, and everyone's just becuase you say it with conviction. Therapy can help you with this, but only if your yourself can come to see what a defecit of empathy this is.

 

Good luck. I hope you will think on this. Not react, sit with it and think.

[Sub]

Since I was still somewhat conflicted in my feelings for OM when I started this thread, let me update: "good" feelings gone. If I think of him, there's revulsion and anger. At him and the things we did. (Yes, at myself as well.) I feel ill and the room spins when it happens. Writing that document forced me to recall things I'd tried to suppress and now it just makes me nauseated. I should have done it months ago and spared us both this pain and the ludicrous lingering feelings I had. I can't understand what I was thinking. Therapy tomorrow.

 

I do hope this is the case, and not just brought on by the fact that your H now has access to these posts and more incite into the situation. I'm not so much saying that it's a facade for your H. Just saying to make sure the change isn't strictly due to the additional pain he's feeling after discovering you were "conflicted" about the OM.

[Violince]

Sub, he knew I was before. That's not a recent discovery.

 

I'm going to be doing a lot less posting here and a lot more work with my husband. Thank you all for your experience and input. It has been valuable. I'll be seeing my therapist weekly, and will proceed with his guidance, since he's also a couples counselor with experience in infidelity.

[usernameisvalid]

I know I'm pretty late to the discussion, but there's one thing I didn't see anyone say that really surprised me. Your husband said it in his response, so maybe it's not necessary to even post this. I guess I just want to reinforce it. Telling the truth of your own accord (i.e., confessing something before you're caught) would, I think, serve to strengthen trust in the long run. Of course it would still be devastating, but in the aftermath, I think the betrayed would appreciate on some level that you came forward when you didn't have to, rather than only confessing something when you've been caught, which only reinforces the idea that you may still be lying about things that your husband hasn't caught you doing.

[road]

I know I'm pretty late to the discussion, but there's one thing I didn't see anyone say that really surprised me. Your husband said it in his response, so maybe it's not necessary to even post this. I guess I just want to reinforce it. Telling the truth of your own accord (i.e., confessing something before you're caught) would, I think, serve to strengthen trust in the long run. Of course it would still be devastating, but in the aftermath, I think the betrayed would appreciate on some level that you came forward when you didn't have to, rather than only confessing something when you've been caught, which only reinforces the idea that you may still be lying about things that your husband hasn't caught you doing.

 

Confessing before being caught is better though not always that much better.

 

 

The reason is that when a WS confesses they can still trickle truth, minimize, give I don't remembers.

[SoulStorm]

She probably will not return to any threads for a while. She has been exposed as still being in contact with the OM. Lostinscience found out that her correspondence with him was cyber sexual ( recorded orgasms) she was sexting the OM WHILE laying in bed next to LIS as he slept. Her communications with OM ended last Monday I believe. She has been proven to be a great liar and manipulator yet LIS still feels the need to protect her. He is co-dependent and confused. Yet he is trying to find his way. He even packed and left. When Violince discovered this she went full blown panic. He went back home because he didn't want to stay in a hotel. So I don't think she has the integrity to return

[Violince]

I've been debating posting a reply for a while. We're doing okay. Affair season last month and Dd1 antiversary (last week) meant more downs than ups for a while. Because of the dd2, BH's healing was set back a long ways, but his IC is marginally helpful, mine was very helpful, and he's agreed to MC.

 

I'm not the woman I was. I come back here once in a while to reread this thread and touch base with that person. Please don't think anything you've said had fallen on deaf ears. It's been a long road and I know my actions made it longer, but we're on it together and I think it's going to be all right. Thank you.

[BluesPower]

I am glad that you are doing ok.

 

I am also glad that you are getting it together.

 

Good Luck...

[understand50]

I've been debating posting a reply for a while. We're doing okay. Affair season last month and Dd1 antiversary (last week) meant more downs than ups for a while. Because of the dd2, BH's healing was set back a long ways, but his IC is marginally helpful, mine was very helpful, and he's agreed to MC.

 

I'm not the woman I was. I come back here once in a while to reread this thread and touch base with that person. Please don't think anything you've said had fallen on deaf ears. It's been a long road and I know my actions made it longer, but we're on it together and I think it's going to be all right. Thank you.

 

Violince,

 

You and your husband are taking the first step on a long journey. The first part, both wanting to stay together and reconcile, and then working on it has been pasted. I am with several here that say reconciliation goes on forever, but I also believe, that marriage in general takes work to go on and thrive.

 

The next thought I have for you, is that each couple needs to find out what works for them. Looks like you are on that path as well, and you both will find what works. So good luck, and keep us posted, only if you think we can help. Remember, this is for you, and do not forget that you are important.

 

From my point of view, remember honest, open and truthful communication is always best, even if it hurts. We here may disagree, on how fast to tell, or what details to tell, but in the end, the BS needs to know what they are forgiving, and the WS, needs to know everything is out. Once this is done, healing can begin, and both can process.

 

One last thing, forgive yourself. Both you and your husband will never forget what happened, but do not let this on both side be such a weight that you cannot enjoy your marriage and relationship going forward.

 

I wish you luck.....

[harrybrown]

Do you love your H more than you do the fantasy of the OM?

 

the OM was not real.

 

Hope you can see if you really love your H or not.

 

Good luck.

[Violince]

Harrybrown, most emphatically yes! It took me a long time to get out of the "fog" but I can certainly see that "relationship" for what it was now.

I thought I knew what love was, before all this. Now I know I had at best an immature understanding, and certainly one based on fantasy (did I mention Heinlein here? I don't recall). Now I understand what it really is, and while I loved my husband for years in the way I knew best, it doesn't come close to how I feel for him now.

U50, I don't think I can forgive myself. I think I can live with that, though. I think the lies don't deserve forgiveness, and I'll never be comfortable with the person I was. I need to learn more about what forgiveness means, too, though. Right now I'm focusing on being fully present for my husband (and myself) and his needs, and learning how to deal with my emotions when they're overwhelming, since it was partially that which started this whole stupid thing. (Just got a book on DBT and I'm hoping it'll prove useful.)

Edited January 13, 2017 by Violince

[Cephalopod]

Violince what are you doing at the moment to rebuild your husband's trust?

 

What changes have you made, and are you making, to re-make yourself into a safe partner again?

 

Are you attending individual counseling?

 

Have you worked on rebuilding your boundaries?

 

What steps have you taken to avoid the pitfalls that landed you in your affair last year?

 

I think the more you do to make yourself a safe person for your husband to love and trust, and once you have reestablished strong boundaries in your life, then you will move towards self-forgiveness. You have to trust yourself first, and you aren't there yet.

[Violince]

(It's been almost 6 months since my first post, and more than four since the **** hit the fan, so I hope no one thinks I've/we've just been in stasis since then.)

 

He has access to everything -- passwords, phone, tablet, computer. Life360 on the phone so he can see where I am (that was never an issue, but it makes him more comfortable anyway and it is convenient as well).

 

More importantly, yes, I have very clear boundaries in my head, and absolutely no desire to violate them. I did IC from September - December, and my IC felt there was only limited benefit to continuing after that; he's sort of on call now if I have a crisis or need to talk to someone.

 

I'm talking with my husband when I'm sad or have other negative feelings. That's not something I really did before because I felt it would be a burden to him, but he married the whole me, not just the happy part. I've recognized the damage my actions did to myself, not just to him. I could write out a lot of stuff It's not that I don't trust myself -- I have a good grasp of how I allowed this to happen, and I've taken the steps I need to insure it won't happen again. I'm not worried about that. But the fact that I lied to him for so long, long after I should have given him the whole truth, why should that be forgiven? I'm not sold on the idea that everything has to be.

[understand50]

(It's been almost 6 months since my first post, and more than four since the **** hit the fan, so I hope no one thinks I've/we've just been in stasis since then.)

 

He has access to everything -- passwords, phone, tablet, computer. Life360 on the phone so he can see where I am (that was never an issue, but it makes him more comfortable anyway and it is convenient as well).

 

More importantly, yes, I have very clear boundaries in my head, and absolutely no desire to violate them. I did IC from September - December, and my IC felt there was only limited benefit to continuing after that; he's sort of on call now if I have a crisis or need to talk to someone.

 

I'm talking with my husband when I'm sad or have other negative feelings. That's not something I really did before because I felt it would be a burden to him, but he married the whole me, not just the happy part. I've recognized the damage my actions did to myself, not just to him. I could write out a lot of stuff It's not that I don't trust myself -- I have a good grasp of how I allowed this to happen, and I've taken the steps I need to insure it won't happen again. I'm not worried about that. But the fact that I lied to him for so long, long after I should have given him the whole truth, why should that be forgiven? I'm not sold on the idea that everything has to be.

 

Violince,

 

All good. Text book. Shows that if it is applied, and the BS is willing, you can recover. I would state, that it may have been easier, in that you did not have a PA, but I will leave that up to you both on how you see it. I think you will find that learning to communicate, and really be with your husband, will be the only "good" (if there is any good in all this) that will come out of your experience. Shame, it took this, but again I would not dwell on how you got here, just work to stay where you are at.

 

You stated that you will never forgive yourself, but at some point, you will need to focus on the here and now, and how to do better in your marriage. Let the past be a good warning, and life lesion, but do not let it interfere with loving your husband, or treating yourself with respect.

 

I wish you luck....