Decision to be made... UPDATE!!

[Emaize3]

I understand that but it's a "work" event and I was talking to him about not getting a ride there. Then I found a ride. I just need to suck it up. I can't avoid her forever. There's always something coming up and if I don't feel comfortable next time, I'll make my own decision and I won't go.

[Emaize3]

So, I went to the event (baseball game)- was 1 hour late due to having dinner with another coworker and her husband and we all went together. Arrived and my ex lover is sitting with her son and all empty seats to his other side. I'm having anxiety at this point. Is she in the restroom? Getting food? We end up sitting next to him (my daughter 2 seats away and ..IF.. she arrived, she'd be sitting next to my daughter). Great! Anyway, she never showed up! I dodged a bullet, right? Yes and no. We talked at the game here and there but then I heard him on the phone with her. He ended the call telling her that he loved her. At that point l, I was a mess! The bottom line is that I can't be anywhere near him. I think about him 24/7!!! It's literally killing me. I think about him at work, and dream about him when sleeping, I think about him at home. I can't take this anymore. We get along just fine (like good friends) but I'm dying inside. I have a secret and I don't want it to end .. And it is!! I don't understand the pull he has on me but my guess is that it's because I see him daily. I really want to just be away from him!! I also really want to tell her annonamously. Why? Am I jealous of her? Yes! Do I think she doesn't deserve to be cheated on? Yes! She should know and it was unprotected sex every time. He should not tell her that he loves her and tell me that he never felt guilty for cheating! Urgg.. I want her to know. On another note I am aggressively dating. Hoping to be in a healthy relationship with an available man. It's really what I want and deserve and honestly I think that's my only way out. Although I'm not dating just for a "way out". Anyone?? Please - any advice on any of these things I'm dealing with- I'd appreciate. Again, I won't leave my job and I am in therapy already. Nothing works

Edited August 19, 2016 by Emaize3

[Jersey born raised]

I had one work place affair thirty years ago, give or take. It was an affair not adultery as neither of us was married or in another relationship for that matter. Afterwards I came to realize why it happened.

 

It happened because we worried well as a team and enjoyed each others company. We feit comfortable with each other and playfully teased each other and played little jokes on each other. In short we spent eight hours together in harmony with each other. To begin taking it outside the work place was the most nature thing in the world. To begin being intimate was as natural as the sun rising. But work is only a small part of reality. So it did not work out.

 

I written and seen a lot of posts on healthy boundries. What are they ? In this case guarding your actions and emotions because you know intellectually there are just to many pitfalls to this type of relationship. Knowing it is almost always trying to make something good into more then it is.

 

I recall in the late sixties or seventies when the NYPD announced they would begin assigning woman to square cars with male partners. The group that react the most strongly against it was the wives of the male officers. They saw the bonding potential that job could have and saw it as a threat to their marriage.

 

Sometimes I think it is like dancing. Two people in physical and mental harmony in movement together.

[loveisanaction]

I told you this before that the reason why he doesn’t feel guilty is because he doesn’t have the same feelings for you as you do for him. Men can sleep with a woman without loving her, he might like her very much and be very attracted to her but he does not love her.

 

Also, and I know this going to be hard to believe but yes, he can be very much in love with his girlfriend and still be sleeping with you; i wish us women would understand this. It’s because some of us refuse to acknowledge this is why we begin to have expectations when we find ourselves in an affair. It’s also the reason why it’s so painful to let go of the affair partner because some us women believe that maybe the man doesn’t love his wife/girlfriend (I mean how can he lover her when he’s been sleeping with me?) and that if we just stay in the affair he will see how much we mean to him and eventually he will pick me. It’s also this same reason why the other woman is so blatantly crushed when her affair partner moves on from the affair as if she never existed. We just can’t seem to believe that a man can love his wife/girlfriend and be sleeping with us at the same time.

 

The fact that you see him every day is going to be difficult to get over him but it can be done. You have to really be strong and understand that it won’t happen overnight, it will take time and it will be painful. You are going to have to try your darndest to resist him because when he is horny he will come back.

 

Take it day by day but please when he does come back for sex (and he will) do not ever try to convince yourself that it’s more than physical, believe me you will do this because you are too weak to resist him. Do not start lying to yourself that maybe he’s conflicted and that maybe he really does want to be with you. Don’t do it because after he’s slept with you the cycle will continue….and it will drive you crazy.

 

Every time he tries to come back be honest with yourself, tell yourself that he’s just back for the sex. Being honest with yourself will help you to remain strong.

[Adoraxx]

I told you this before that the reason why he doesn’t feel guilty is because he doesn’t have the same feelings for you as you do for him. Men can sleep with a woman without loving her, he might like her very much and be very attracted to her but he does not love her.

 

Also, and I know this going to be hard to believe but yes, he can be very much in love with his girlfriend and still be sleeping with you; i wish us women would understand this. It’s because some of us refuse to acknowledge this is why we begin to have expectations when we find ourselves in an affair. It’s also the reason why it’s so painful to let go of the affair partner because some us women believe that maybe the man doesn’t love his wife/girlfriend (I mean how can he lover her when he’s been sleeping with me?) and that if we just stay in the affair he will see how much we mean to him and eventually he will pick me. It’s also this same reason why the other woman is so blatantly crushed when her affair partner moves on from the affair as if she never existed. We just can’t seem to believe that a man can love his wife/girlfriend and be sleeping with us at the same time.

 

The fact that you see him every day is going to be difficult to get over him but it can be done. You have to really be strong and understand that it won’t happen overnight, it will take time and it will be painful. You are going to have to try your darndest to resist him because when he is horny he will come back.

 

Take it day by day but please when he does come back for sex (and he will) do not ever try to convince yourself that it’s more than physical, believe me you will do this because you are too weak to resist him. Do not start lying to yourself that maybe he’s conflicted and that maybe he really does want to be with you. Don’t do it because after he’s slept with you the cycle will continue….and it will drive you crazy.

 

Every time he tries to come back be honest with yourself, tell yourself that he’s just back for the sex. Being honest with yourself will help you to remain strong.

 

This is a great and very true post, Loveisanaction. I totally agree with all that you're saying. I truly believed (at first!) that xMM loved me just like I love him.. but then more and more his actions pointed towards the fact that no, he did NOT love me, he loves his W yet he was still capable of going after me whenever he was HORNY, and then - and only then- he would chase me and throw in the 'ILY's'.

 

They only come back for sex... And he still tried to persuade me to have sex with him again even after he told me several times that he is 'crazy' about W and this and that... Most of the time he didn't succeed in persuading me, but it's painful and confusing because you want to believe so badly that he does love you - especially when he starts to act a little like when he first started the chase...

 

Anyway, I could go on and on about this but Loveisanaction said it all , truly a great post

[BuddyX]

Stop saying how MM can compartmentalize. You, yourself were willing to sit next to his Lover with no remorse.You are on the same level, don't kid yourself.

 

I've posted the following 3 times already in the past week, just in case you think your situation is different.

 

Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.

 

Trust me, he's getting it at home. And he considers that intimacy. With you, it's just sex. Think about it. If he's not married to her. Takes care of her kids. And is not getting any in the sack, do you think he'll stick around?

[Emaize3]

I appreciate all the replies but I am WELL aware that I'm only "sex" to him. He doesn't love me. My problem is that I think I love him.. Regardless of what he says. I'm attached to this man and he's always around. I want him back. In my mind ...it's over...for good. This is what's tearing me apart. I know Now I should've never done a darn thing with this man but I did and here I sit.. Sad.

[Emaize3]

And if they are having sex already, why would they be horny? Just asking.

[Bufo]

Because until you've had too much, you never know when you've had enough!

 

Do not take this the wrong way, how has prostitution existed since the dawn of written history? Guys don't love hookers,mthey just want to F them.

 

Loveisanaction and adoraxx are entirely correct. Please read and heed what they are writing.

[Grey Cloud]

And if they are having sex already, why would they be horny? Just asking.

 

Guys can have sex with their wife's/partners and then be horny a couple of hours afterwards!! Being with someone different can also be appealing. Emotional support/love/intimacy is the bond with their partner and sex with other woman is for ego boosts/cheap thrills.

 

Don't worry, l learnt this hard way as well.

[Emaize3]

I think you nailed it here, Grey Cloud. It's the thrill of a different person and an ego boost. He may be horny for someone other tham the gf/wife. Wonder if that's enough to keep coming back. If he does, I hope I have moved on.

[Grapesofwrath]

I think you nailed it here, Grey Cloud. It's the thrill of a different person and an ego boost. He may be horny for someone other tham the gf/wife. Wonder if that's enough to keep coming back. If he does, I hope I have moved on.

 

I think it's the thrill, the ego boost, and in your case there is a sadistic thread in him that enjoys humiliating and deceiving his gf. (feeling fine with having both of you in attendance at a ballgame.) This is the worst part, IMO, because it demonstrates for you clearly how he treats someone he "loves."

 

As for "hoping" you have moved on...Hope is not a strategy. Hope is not a plan. Hope, in this case, is just a wish. Develop a strategy and a plan and execute on that plan so you will be ready. This will dramatically increase your chances of success.

[Emaize3]

Very true, what you said about him grapesofwrath. That actually helps. What kind of plan should i have? I need a plan for sure because I face this daily. I don't even want to hear his voice! Maybe just thinking over and over how he treats her is "plan" enough to say "yuck".

[Grapesofwrath]

Silly as it sounds, a "plan" involves deciding precisely how you will respond when you see him at work. What will you say and do. Practice in front of the mirror if you have to. Write it down and keep it in your pocket. Create a script for how the interaction will go so you're not left to a whim in the moment.

 

Write it down. Memorize it. Commit to it.

 

Change the direction of this situation. You will be so glad you did.

[Emaize3]

He's always in and out of the office. Sometimes he's not even there. When he is, he just walks by says hello (I sit by a door and he coming and going). Sometimes we will chat but it's just like "hi, how's it going." This is so weird. It's not your typical case of I love you's. And now that he ended it, he doesn't stop by as much to chat but it's only coworker friendly talk. Now, if I get a text from him, that's different. It's been a week since we slept together and he ended it and I have not received any texts.

[Grapesofwrath]

He's always in and out of the office. Sometimes he's not even there. When he is, he just walks by says hello (I sit by a door and he coming and going). Sometimes we will chat but it's just like "hi, how's it going." This is so weird. It's not your typical case of I love you's. And now that he ended it, he doesn't stop by as much to chat but it's only coworker friendly talk. Now, if I get a text from him, that's different. It's been a week since we slept together and he ended it and I have not received any texts.

 

Then you're plan should include what to do if/when he texts. I suggest you just block him now to prevent that aggravation.

 

When he "walks by" to say hello, your plan should be that you get up and leave. Don't sit there and be pleasant, playing his game. Keeping his secret and letting him think you're fine with everything. Get up and walk away. Go to the ladies', go the copy machine, whatever. Just get up and walk away. If you can't walk away, pick up the phone as if you're making a call and too busy to chat with him. Stop playing his game. Stop being available. Take back your power.

[Emaize3]

Thank you for the info. I guess I'm sad because all the games and texting is OVER. There is nothing "special" going on. He treats me like everyone else at work. I know he looks at me differently then them for obvious reasons, but I'm just like everyone else at work. This is what hurts. I want to feel special again and I don't. It just hurts now. I don't text him anymore either. I want to so badly but don't. How do I get over feeling like I never existed by this man??

[privategal]

Thank you for the info. I guess I'm sad because all the games and texting is OVER. There is nothing "special" going on. He treats me like everyone else at work. I know he looks at me differently then them for obvious reasons, but I'm just like everyone else at work. This is what hurts. I want to feel special again and I don't. It just hurts now. I don't text him anymore either. I want to so badly but don't. How do I get over feeling like I never existed by this man??

 

I think your confusing things...it's not that your insecure and just FEEL like you meant nothing....I'm sorry to tell you that you actually DIDN'T mean anything.

Easy come, easy go.

Target spotted, target conquered, conquest over.

He used your body for his gratification then ended it, then politely "greets" you?

You know who else you say "hi how are you" to?

The mailman, the grocery store clerk, distant acquaintances.

So one moment he can share the most intimate close act with you and the next you are worth only a polite greeting?

He's a slimy user scumbag.

I'd get a new job PRONTO but in the meantime next time he says hello, ignore and zero response or even eye contact.

If he asks a WORK question that NEEDS addressed reply, otherwise you being kind and polite alleviates his guilt that he took advantage and is basically even telling him, it's ok, I'm not upset that you treated me like disposable trash. No cheery good mornings. Just nothing. He's a PIG.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thank you for the info. I guess I'm sad because all the games and texting is OVER. There is nothing "special" going on. He treats me like everyone else at work. I know he looks at me differently then them for obvious reasons, but I'm just like everyone else at work. This is what hurts. I want to feel special again and I don't. It just hurts now. I don't text him anymore either. I want to so badly but don't. How do I get over feeling like I never existed by this man??

 

Time will help you to heal. Whether you see him often or not, time will do its thing.

 

In the meantime, get your power back. Hold your head up. Don't let his treatment of women affect how you see yourself. You are learning from this experience and will grow and move on. He is still stuck in his miserable self. And his poor gf has no idea what she's dealing with. Be grateful you have seen the light, and move on with your beautiful life.

[BuddyX]

If text from a MM gave you a high, you need to reassess your priorities. This is the time you have some wine with a friend. Catch a movie. Go to the gym.

[Emaize3]

Thank you both "privategal" and "grapesofwrath". You both said it best! He is a scumbag. His gf doesn't have a clue! She never checks his phone and they went off for 4 days for a friends wedding and he sexted me the whole time!!! And sent pics! I thought he was alone but right there on Facebook were pics of

The trip with his gf there too! I couldn't believe he did all that with her right there. So the plan is to try to ignore him at work. I'm always trying to find him or look good or make eye contact.. No more! Still going to hurt because I want interaction. But I'll take your advice.

[privategal]

See! You could've been his girlfriend ugh....imagine, she probably got new clothes and makeup for the trip and was excited for a romantic weekend away with her loving boyfriend and look how he treated her?

The SAME way he is treating YOU.

He's a selfish loser and he is probably being just polite enough at work so as not to get you too upset so you don't tell people or flip out and also so he can manipulate you back later if he "needs" to all he has to do then Is be a little sweeter, hit your emotions, text a little, something lame like he is confused and bam...his "work wife is back on the hook. Don't fall for it again.

His courteous "hello " is actually strategy and disrespect.

You fell for it, you cheated too, but you learned here so all is not lost, you can dust yourself off and start to heal.

At work, do not let him or anyone see you sweat.

Be nothing but professional and like grapes said, hold your head high.

Post out of your job, if you have a few vacation days so you can relax and reset, try taking them.

Just know this style of guy has preyed on many women and it can be a strengthening lesson.

 

In my own EA, I thought I might DIE at 1st when it was over, the calls stopped, the texts, the emails...it was so sad, lonely, disorienting....now I'm kinda like...pfffttttt....over it. These guys are seriously just so dumb. So into themselves and their libido and ego they'd hurt anyone to feed their greed and satisfy their selfishness. His poor girlfriend. If she only knew he's such a pig.

Delete your FB or block him. That's an EXTREMELY important 1st step in moving forward. It will he be a huge weight lifted.

[Emaize3]

I thought about deleting Facebook but I don't want to make things weird. I wish I could tell her. (Not about us but that he cheats). Her husband before him cheated on her and she was devastated and she's living with this guy now with her two boys. They have a life together. I just wish she knew. We had unprotected sex each time too.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thank you both "privategal" and "grapesofwrath". You both said it best! He is a scumbag. His gf doesn't have a clue! She never checks his phone and they went off for 4 days for a friends wedding and he sexted me the whole time!!! And sent pics! I thought he was alone but right there on Facebook were pics of

The trip with his gf there too! I couldn't believe he did all that with her right there. So the plan is to try to ignore him at work. I'm always trying to find him or look good or make eye contact.. No more! Still going to hurt because I want interaction. But I'll take your advice.

 

I had a bf who did this to me. Except he flew me halfway around the world, for a "romantic trip for the two of us" and then spent his time texting and emailing other women about how much he was thinking about them. Even sent them photos of him that I had taken. It was crushing and devastating. He turned out to be one of the most toxic, narcissistic, manipulative people I've ever known. Please avoid this disaster for yourself.

[privategal]

I thought about deleting Facebook but I don't want to make things weird. I wish I could tell her. (Not about us but that he cheats). Her husband before him cheated on her and she was devastated and she's living with this guy now with her two boys. They have a life together. I just wish she knew. We had unprotected sex each time too.

 

Lots of people delete Facebook.