Author Emaize3 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 Yes. The affair "high"! And then the "crash". I'm still glad that he knows how I feel about being around her and that its awkward and uncomfortable. Funny how he surprised about that. Duh!! Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Oh! the only thing he did open up about without me asking was that he wasn't getting it at home. I was shocked to hear that but that's probably why he's seeking it with me. He may very well think that's what you want to hear. Or it may be true. Either way, you are the dirty side piece, but it seems like you're waking up to that fact. One thing that helped me for a time was saying to myself, over and over, "the free prostitution service ends NOW." I felt a little bit revolted every time I said it. Both at him and at myself. Even if this is about more than just sex for you, it sounds like you are purely just for sex from his perspective. You are providing him with a service that he would otherwise need to pay for, for free. And you're not even getting paid! How is this situation fair? I hope you don't take offense by the way, this isn't meant to be super harsh... But you sound like the type who can handle a little tough love and even give yourself some tough love when needed. Out of curiosity, is the sex really THAT good? It seems like, without much of an emotional investment from him, the sex couldn't really be THAT amazing... He might be an alright lover but this is always gonna be more about his satisfaction than yours. Wait till you find a guy who is dying to please you because he really loves you... I doubt there will be any comparison. Meanwhile, your xMM can find a hooker if he's that desperate and not getting any at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 Hi lemondrop21. Thank you for replying. I eagerly await replies here because it helps me so much to have this release. I'm ok with the harsh reality. The sex is amazing but I'm so infatuated with this man, that the sex could suck and id still want him. Thanks for the advice.. I'll take it. See my update post (you prob won't like it though). I just caved again. I'll keep reading these posts for support and to stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 I'm a mess! He texted me saying we should end it because it's not fair for me to feel awkward around "her". He said he thought our deal was purely physical and since I said didn't want to go to the event cuz I felt weird around "her" is when he realized things needed to change/stop. He also said we shouldn't piss where we eat .. Which is true (no work affairs). I said to him- YOU feel guilty that's why you want to end it. He said he doesn't feel guilty at all!!! What?? I don't get that. Anyway, I'm crushed and did everything from begging and pleading. Terrible! I wanted to end it, not him. I'm so sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 I'm a mess! He texted me saying we should end it because it's not fair for me to feel awkward around "her". He said he thought our deal was purely physical and since I said didn't want to go to the event cuz I felt weird around "her" is when he realized things needed to change/stop. He also said we shouldn't piss where we eat .. Which is true (no work affairs). I said to him- YOU feel guilty that's why you want to end it. He said he doesn't feel guilty at all!!! What?? I don't get that. Anyway, I'm crushed and did everything from begging and pleading. Terrible! I wanted to end it, not him. I'm so sad. Emaize, he'll be back... This is how they play it. He is telling you now to stop having any kind of 'expectations' from him, he wants you to stop being 'emotional' (aka 'weird') about it all... He'll be back. I hope you won't let him come back though 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 Thank you for that Adoraxx. I wondered if he'd be back after some time. He can't really escape me since we work together. Yes, I let the "emotional" me come through in his eyes. I'm so sad though. I hate feeling rejected. I hope he does come back and maybe I will be in a better place. He clearly freaked out and wants it over,. He said we can maintain our friendship, so I doubt he'll come back. We had amazing sex tonight too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Thank you for that Adoraxx. I wondered if he'd be back after some time. He can't really escape me since we work together. Yes, I let the "emotional" me come through in his eyes. I'm so sad though. I hate feeling rejected. I hope he does come back and maybe I will be in a better place. He clearly freaked out and wants it over,. He said we can maintain our friendship, so I doubt he'll come back. We had amazing sex tonight too. They always come back... I can't even count the times where I really thought 'this is it, he won't come back ever again' yet he always did. Now, he didn't come back for ME but he only came back for what he could get from me. It's going to be an endless cycle unless you will go and look for a job far away from him..... And the cycle is going to wear you down, it's not something to look forward to... If you're feeling sad now, the sadness is going to be multiplied until it's many times worse.... Now you're going to try and be not so 'emotional' about it (you weren't even all that emotional but that's how he will act - as if you're crazy and weird for saying the things you do), but he'll always find some other excuse - whether it's real or not - to dump you......... and then he'll come back again........ and disappear.......and reappear..... it's horrible. The sex is not worth it at all...... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 Really? You guys all say he'll be back. I'm not so sure. After reading all these replies, maybe I should just finally rejoice in him ending it. You loveshackers really give me stength. Thank you! It's nice to know you are here and can relate. I need support in the coming days, months. In my mind, it's over so I'm so sad. To think I told him it's purely physical and I don't want more. I totally lied to keep him around. It's only sex. Why does he have me so tightly wound around his little finger? I need to remember how he's using me I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Hi lemondrop21. Thank you for replying. I eagerly await replies here because it helps me so much to have this release. I'm ok with the harsh reality. The sex is amazing but I'm so infatuated with this man, that the sex could suck and id still want him. Thanks for the advice.. I'll take it. See my update post (you prob won't like it though). I just caved again. I'll keep reading these posts for support and to stay strong. Hi emaize, ok I stand corrected about the sex! Lol I guess it can be amazing even when the emotional connection is only going one way. But just wait till you really fall in love with someone who you can be with all night guilt-free, who makes you breakfast, who considers you his number one... Might not be as "hot and quick" all the time but will be satisfying in a way that affair sex can't be (also nothing prevents you from having quickies in a real relationship! Lol) This is what I tell myself anyway, I'm not in love with anyone else at the minute but I try to look forward to it and that helps. But I get it, sexual compatibility can be quite elusive, especially for women. And it may be that your MM is more experienced than previous lovers you've had (not sure). AND these intense emotions really do so much for women. As you said, he could be terrible and you would still want him. All these factors combined make for a tough situation to get out of, but one that you really do need to get out of as he is hurting you so badly. He will be back although he may make you wait a few weeks. There was no DDay so I promise it will happen, especially since he said he's not feeling guilt... He's just on edge now about you becoming emotional and potentially a threat. One thing that has helped me detach has been dating. Even bad dates, although I get that pang of missing xMM afterward, have the overall cumulative effect of reminding me that I am single and fabulous and there are plenty of other fish. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Really? You guys all say he'll be back. I'm not so sure. After reading all these replies, maybe I should just finally rejoice in him ending it. You loveshackers really give me stength. Thank you! It's nice to know you are here and can relate. I need support in the coming days, months. In my mind, it's over so I'm so sad. To think I told him it's purely physical and I don't want more. I totally lied to keep him around. It's only sex. Why does he have me so tightly wound around his little finger? I need to remember how he's using me I guess. If you will convince him it's "only physical" for you, he will be back for the quickie. It will require you to step on your own heart, deny your own feelings, swallow any self-respect and pride you ever had and to flush your dignity down the toilet. I don't care how fabulous his quickies are, no man worth that kind of sacrifices. Even is he is frikin King of the Universe. And this lying cheating POS is definitely not. Best wishes, end it before your self-esteem is completely ruined, because he showed you already that you mean nothing to him. The only power you have in this situation is the POWER TO WALK AWAY. Show him what you are really made of and do it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Really? You guys all say he'll be back. I'm not so sure. After reading all these replies, maybe I should just finally rejoice in him ending it. You loveshackers really give me stength. Thank you! It's nice to know you are here and can relate. I need support in the coming days, months. In my mind, it's over so I'm so sad. To think I told him it's purely physical and I don't want more. I totally lied to keep him around. It's only sex. Why does he have me so tightly wound around his little finger? I need to remember how he's using me I guess. They all come back, even after they get busted. They just use us though. At least this guy is upfront that he is using you, you are not getting the tall tales of love I got and many of us heard. It's actually much worse with the love stuff. If you can manage it, act fine like you used him for sex, but never do it again with him. You will look strong and you will get a chance to reject him. That said, I am not good at that. I've been a train wreck and am only now hopefully able to act like I am fine. Don't be friends though. Thats code for he wants to keep the door open. Do you want a friend like him anyway? BTW, they all want to be friends. If the guy really wants it to be over, it looks like this - he leaves his job and never contacts you again. Any contact is him keeping you in the box in his toy chest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Really? You guys all say he'll be back. I'm not so sure. After reading all these replies, maybe I should just finally rejoice in him ending it. You loveshackers really give me stength. Thank you! It's nice to know you are here and can relate. I need support in the coming days, months. In my mind, it's over so I'm so sad. To think I told him it's purely physical and I don't want more. I totally lied to keep him around. It's only sex. Why does he have me so tightly wound around his little finger? I need to remember how he's using me I guess. You feel attached because when women have sex, they release oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone secreted by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland, a pea-sized structure at the base of the brain. It's sometimes known as the "cuddle hormone" or the "love hormone," because it is released when people snuggle up or bond socially. It's also released during birth so moms bond to baby. Men release it too - but only when they fall in love with "the one". That is why men can have sex and feel nothing for the woman afterwards whereas women are now in love with someone they barely know. On top of that, you feel like you are now in love and your brain is awash in dopamine and serotonin. Dopamine is the pleasure receptor in your brain. If you took a hit of cocaine, (which is instantly addictive and why it is so dangerous to try) it would be just as addictive as your new love feeling. You now crave this guy like a drug. Serotonin basically diverts your mind and bounds you to think about your lover and nothing else. Men obviously fall in love but they don't have the same effects - so they cannot understand what we are feeling unless they have women friends. But they simply do not experience what we experience the same way at the same time. In short - you are addicted, same as to a drug. The only way to break an addiction is cold turkey and it will cause you immense pain, it will be real because you will go through withdrawal. The good news is it does go away. People quit smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling - and I got over my withdrawal - it was baaaaaaaad. It's not just in your mind. It's real. (added - I am obviously not a man. This is based on what I have read and my guy friends who are able to have sex and feel nothing.. If a man would like to comment, I'm all ears!) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) Dang oxytocin! I am addicted for sure. To the point where I'm going to go to the event and pretend like I don't give a sh*t about them. I may even sit with them and befriend her. He doesn't even care if that happens! Weird- just weird. I'm so depressed today! Barely slept. Im going to keep my cool around him like I'm not affected and tell him that I'm going to the event and he misinterpreted what I said. I'd love to hear some of your original stories and I tried to find them but couldn't. Men? He lives with her and loves her - How can he not be guilty? Edited August 14, 2016 by Emaize3 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 He doesn't feel guilty because as far as he's concerned he's dating only one woman, the other he's just having sex with, no feelings or emotions attached. The reason why he freaked out and sent you that message was because you were becoming emotionally attached. He didn't want you falling for him, what you had was supposed to be about sex only. You showing up at the event and even going as far as befriending his girlfriend is an attempt to change his mind about you. You want to try and convince him that you made a mistake telling him that you felt weird about his girlfriend, that there are no emotions on your side either and that you feel nothing for him because for you this is just about sex too. In doing so you would have just lowered yourself a little more notches. Men hardly ever change their minds so he will come back and keep sleeping with you, he will continue to view you as a booty call. You on the other hand will fall deeper into bonding emotionally and the fact that he won't see you as nothing more than a coworker he sleeps with every now and then will drive you insane. You will not stop trying to hold onto him until you eventually hit rock bottom... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Dang oxytocin! I am addicted for sure. To the point where I'm going to go to the event and pretend like I don't give a sh*t about them. I may even sit with them and befriend her. He doesn't even care if that happens! Weird- just weird. I'm so depressed today! Barely slept. Im going to keep my cool around him like I'm not affected and tell him that I'm going to the event and he misinterpreted what I said. I'd love to hear some of your original stories and I tried to find them but couldn't. Men? He lives with her and loves her - How can he not be guilty? You just click on someone's username and go to statistics and look at posts people made. You should read some - I would recommend Burnt's. Men don't feel guilty towards women, typically only their kids. I have a friend IRL - he is sleeping with several women at the same time and does not feel guilt. He explains it to me as he has not promised anything to them and treats them all nicely. In my mind, they do not know about each other. Even when they do feel guilt, they can compartmentalize and rationalize it away. Women can't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 It's her son. He doesn't have kids. Apparently, he's fine with it since he's bringing her. So weird- I don't know how he's ok with it. I know you guys say to go but it's too painful l think. However he's the one purchasing tickets for the company for the event so there is a ticket paid for. I don't want to go. This should be a reality check to you that he is very serious about her and will probably marry her. How long are you going to be his side chick? There will come a time when the guilt will be to much and he will end it with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 Thank you everybody. My stomach is in knots today. Loveisanaction- you hit the nail on the head for sure. You definitely know exactly what I'm feeling/doing. It's weird that men don't feel guilty if they don't have feelings for the OW. But that's probably exactly it. Don't they know that a physical relationship would destroy their girlfriend? (feelings or not?) and his gf was cheated on by her ex husband!! He knows what that did to her. Anyway- if I go to this dreaded event for work (which I should) but I think on my part it's only to prove him wrong (and actually he's right about me being attached) it will be rough. It's this Thursday eve. I will bring my daughter and hopefully it will distract me and I'll be the best actress ever when there! By the way- since we work together and there are no emotions on his part - I don't see him doing this again. We only got together 4 times (3 in the last 2 weeks though). And we really aren't friends, although we do text every now and then - probably for a hook up. If he does try again- it won't be weeks- it will be months- easy. He didn't try again for one full month after the first time. I'll keep everyone posted and I will go back and read some of all your stories too. ? Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 Emaize: If you elect to go to this event, do not sit with her and "befriend" her. Forget about what message that sends to him, but think for a moment about her and her feelings. How much more would you like to humiliate her? I'm sure you will say that she's doesn't know about you, and she probably doesn't. At least not yet. That's not relevant. What is relevant to you is what a deeply deeply unkind thing this would be to do to her. To dupe her into thinking you are a friend, purely to send a message to her bf, with whom you are sleeping, is extraordinarily cruel. Is that the kind of person you want to be? Whatever the reason, he is giving you an opportunity to end this A. Take it. The anxiety and depression you feel is your gut screaming out to you that what you are doing is damaging to you. It won't get better. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 14, 2016 Author Share Posted August 14, 2016 (edited) Thank you grapesofwrath.. I can't even think straight anymore so yes, I cannot befriend her. That's not who I am. Although, I have to say hi and act normal around them if they are near. I can't believe how this turned so bad for me. I have love addiction and if the A is over or not, it will destroy me seeing him at work. I won't leave my job either.. Not happening. I have to reap what I sowed. Any advice from the posters here on how to get over him when I see him daily? I know someone gave some insight already. I've never been in this situation so I don't know how to handle my emotions in this way. Its clouding my mind at work. Edited August 14, 2016 by Emaize3 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett94 Posted August 15, 2016 Share Posted August 15, 2016 The way you get over him is to start dating available men. You will find someone who can be there for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 15, 2016 Author Share Posted August 15, 2016 Actually I am dating and met a nice guy. So fingers crossed that we click. We do have a second date. I think that will do the trick. In the meantime - off to work and dreading it. At least he won't be there today except for briefly in the morning. Urgg Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 So he convinced me to go to the event. Weird that he'd talk me into it when "she " will be there and "I" will be there. I'm guessing he doesn't want to be responsible for me missing a work event and that's it. Not that he really "wants" me there.. No. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 You mean MM convinced you? And you still talk to him because...you're a masochist? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 He's not married exactly, he has a girlfriend and we talk because we're coworkers. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 So he convinced me to go to the event. Weird that he'd talk me into it when "she " will be there and "I" will be there. I'm guessing he doesn't want to be responsible for me missing a work event and that's it. Not that he really "wants" me there.. No. Are you not a grown up with a mind of your own? You really should make your own decisions. His decisions will bring you undone every time..... just saying. Poppy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts