My BF's fear of being controlled

[Gaeta]

Hi Gaeta!

 

Just want to start off by saying this doesnt sound like a huge deal

 

It sounds like the underlying issue is....he needs some space and time for himself...we all need alone time....time with our friends.....time away from our partner

 

Forget about the little arugement you guys had about the phone call...thats just a symptom of the problem

 

You guys have spent alot of time together....so now he's feeling like he needs to pull back alittle...all men are like that

 

Men might love all the time spent together in the beginning but after awhile...they need some alone time...some space to breathe

 

Pls dont work yourself up and start to wonder if this is the beginning of the end...its not...this is a common issue in relationships

 

Solution: If I were you, I'd pull back alittle...to ease his tension....maybe tell him straight up that you acknowledge the fact that you two have spent alot of time together and there needs to be some breathing room....assure him that everything is fine but there needs to be alittle more healthy space. This will alleviate any pressure he may feel to hang out nearly everyday...it will give him more freedom and believe me when I say....guys come looking for women when they dont go looking for them...I'm sure after you've given him some space...he'll be all lovey dovey once again and everything will be peachy

 

And Gaeta, I really dont think your man is being a jerk at all...men are men...they need their space....they're not great at communicating this either...no one is perfect so pls dont start dissecting this and buying into the comments that he's a jerk or that this is the beginning of the end...its not...hes not a jerk...hes a man...simple as that. This is a very common problem that has an easy solution

 

Thank you for your support girl, it's appreciated. I don't want to change the dynamic of our relationship I think it would be hurtful at this point. He's very big on togetherness and he would see it as a rejection.

 

He still has his apartment if ever he feels the need for some time apart and I never say anything when he chooses to go to his place once in a while.

 

Today he was suppose to spend the afternoon cycling with a friend. I thought he would be gone all day but before leaving he said he was just gonna go help the guy do a maintenance on his bike and if I'd like we'd go for a picnic in the afternoon, bring the dog, walk by the seaway - which he knows is my favorite activity of all. So he wanted some togetherness and wanted to please me. :-)

[Gaeta]

Tell him that you will prove yourself to him through actions. Tell him that you won't try and convince him that you aren't controlling, that you will instead show him. That the person he sees in front of him is who you are, and you have no intentions of changing into someone controlling.

 

Love your post Enigma. Very inspiring words. Thanks!

[Gaeta]

Yes, there are "cultural" differences, sometimes, but he is here in America dating an American woman. When in Rome . . . all this actually went pretty well.

 

I am French Canadian and he is French European and we experience cultural difference every day. He finds I have many European aspects from my French heritage but at the same time I am very American in many ways. He was also born in the Caribbeans French colonies so he has a creole baggage on top of his European one. Welcome to a big melt-pot!

[Dis]

Thank you for your support girl, it's appreciated. I don't want to change the dynamic of our relationship I think it would be hurtful at this point. He's very big on togetherness and he would see it as a rejection.

 

He still has his apartment if ever he feels the need for some time apart and I never say anything when he chooses to go to his place once in a while.

 

Today he was suppose to spend the afternoon cycling with a friend. I thought he would be gone all day but before leaving he said he was just gonna go help the guy do a maintenance on his bike and if I'd like we'd go for a picnic in the afternoon, bring the dog, walk by the seaway - which he knows is my favorite activity of all. So he wanted some togetherness and wanted to please me. :-)

 

Awww thats great hun! So glad to see all is well. You know him and your relationship better than anyone so you do what you feel is best. He seems like a really sweet guy. Best of luck girly...everything seems great!!!

[Grisho]

Gaeta, I agree with your analysis that you were wrong in the first instance, because you should have encouraged him to spend time with his friends. I think you should still focus on encouraging him to find more time for his friends. I agree with the other poster who posted that you 2 spend too much time together, because every day is too much, when you're not living together. I think each party needs a bit of breathing space, and needs time to relax with friends away from the relationship.

 

 

As for the 2nd incident, I'm not sure who's at fault. I can't imagine a situation where you'd ask "who is x?", given you'd heard the conversation. Wasn't it obvious, from hearing the conversation, whether x was a stranger, acquaintance, work colleague, family member or friend? Wasn't it obvious from what topics were discussed why they were having a chat? I can imagine a question like "how long have you known x?" or "do you just know x from work or actually work on things together?", but the question "who is x?" strikes me as at odds with having witnessed the nature of their relationship.

[Grisho]

It's very odd that he should say that French or European women in general are submissive, because it's simply not the truth. Submissive has a very specific connotation, whereas most European men know enough to expect American women to be different at expressing themselves.

 

I don't think the comment should be taken at face value. In my experience of living all over the place and speaking a variety of languages, there are 2 trends when it comes to comments like that:

 

-people tend to soften their criticism of a person by making it more general about women/men, people from x/people from y, older people/younger people rather than you are... etc etc

-people have so little life experience amongst different people from themselves, that they really (ignorantly) believe that groups of people are all x or y, even though that makes no intellectual sense

[Sunkissedpatio]

What a load of crap!! The cultural differences, the bait and switch he pulls projecting his issues onto you. All of it.

 

He reminds me of my ex, you express disappointment in something in a good natured way, and the whole world comes crumbling down.

 

So now all French women are submissive? Wow he sounds ridiculous. He will say whatever he needs to, to justify his baggage.

 

 

I'm starting for feel that some men the older they get the more immature they act.

 

Having said all that, I suppose since you spend every weekend together you could have just acted happy for him and let it slide. You can go see the movie any weekend. Perhaps he just wanted to feel like he doesn't have to "ask for permission" like you are his mother and hearing you say "but Saturdays are couples' nights" could make him feel trapped.

 

Still doesn't change that he sounds like he has more baggage than not in this area.

[AMJ]

He says all women are controlling because he doesn't like giving up power in a relationship. He's feeling vulnerable to your emotions. That happens to all of us- that doesn't make you controlling. The two incidents you mentioned aren't controlling in the slightest! Yes he shouldn't feel guilty about spending time with his friends. However, if you had known about his plans you could have made alternate plans of your own.

 

This story reminded me of this time a guy I was dating thought I was jealous and went nuts on me. We met in college, went out one night with a big group of other students in our major to a bowling alley, all had lots of drinks. This girl corners him outside in the parking lot, they have this really long intense looking conversation for maybe 15 minutes, which ends in the two of them hugging for another 5 minutes. He wasn't technically my boyfriend at the time, and no one knew we were dating. I calmly- I swear, very calmly- asked him what was going on, and he completely lost it. Started yelling at me in front of everyone, drags me outside to yell at me some more. He yelled because some guy was all over me earlier, which was true, but it wasn't like we were in a secluded embrace for 20 minutes... I remember thinking- there is no possible way he could be this angry at me right now, this must be pent up anger that should be directed at someone else. And sure enough he kept going on about how his ex girlfriend was very controlling and how much he hated it. Anyway at that point I didn't even care, I wanted nothing more to do with him.

 

The only thing your story makes me wonder is what the underlying issue with your BF is. It seems like he might be upset about something else and is taking it out on you with these minor incidents.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Forgive me guys; I haven't read all the threads on this post, but I thought I would offer my two cents worth unless of course it has already been mentioned.

 

Sometimes people fear the very thing that they haven't forgiven someone for. I was afraid of being controlled as I have experienced control. We weren't even exclusive but I felt hemmed in, I felt I had to commit to a man I barely knew, at times I wanted to go home on dates, and he wouldn't let me, at times I was stressed and tired from college, but he wouldn't let me go home. He was controlling me on his time, and he only thought I was playing hard to get. He also had issues with his ex-wife and always complained about her. I started to think there was a lot of things he hadn't told me as there is usually two sides to every story. His wife left him; I can only imagine ( now) why that may have been, in his eyes, the B*%#h left!

 

I knew one day that in order to break free from that fear of being controlled is to forgive the one who I felt controlled by. That was a difficult thing for me to do, as until recently, and two years later after we dated, he still would text and call me " to see what I was doing". After he sent me a strange and out of context text message, I told him off, he has then never called or text since.

 

I had to forgive this guy if I was going to break those chains of fear. He may have had issues resulting from his past that would make him very dangerous to date, however, I was determined not to let his baggage and controlling issues control me and the way I saw male prospects.

 

Perhaps in your circumstance, your boyfriend may need to forgive those woman who he has seen as " controlling" because as we all know, not all woman are controlling and not all woman even desire to. His fear of being controlled is actually controlling YOU and your progression and development in your relationship. Because of his fears, it can possibly hurt and stagnate your relationship.

[DramaInPajamas]

I live in Europe within arms reach of France.

 

I have plenty of European French female friends.

 

French European women are less confrontational? Oh lord. I laughed so hard at the very suggestion.

 

One French lady I worked with was so controlling everyone was wary of her. When she moved in with her boyfriend she said she was trying to learn to be flexible.

 

European French people in general have a big reputation in Europe for being rude and arrogant and not less confrontational.

 

God this guy is full of it.

Edited August 1, 2016 by DramaInPajamas

[bene]

I can only imagine the responses if a woman would make a thread that she has spent every saturday with her boyfriend for 8 months and the guy started pouting when she decided to spend ONE saturday with her friends...

[Emilia]

From a certain age I think we cannot be groomed into anything anymore lol.

 

He told me a couple of times my north-American way is too forward for him, he is used to more subtlety as they do in Europe (France), apparently women are more submissive over there. I told him I am willing to meet him half-way on our cultural differences and watch my tone but he has to meet me in the middle and not be so darn sensitive.

I know I should read the whole thread but this has stood out for me because this is what I wanted to get to in your previous thread over how you two never argue.

 

He sounds really passive aggressive.

 

There are submissive European women as well as assertive, just like in North America, the same happens over here as over there: women become more assertive with age.

 

It's him. He has been too passive all along and because he doesn't know how to assert himself, he is blaming women.

[bad username]

His words were that women in France, at least in Paris where he's from, are more subtle in delivering their messages and are not confrontational the way north American women seems to be.

Well, I was reacting to the fact that you quoted him as saying submissive. Even so, I don't think what he said is remotely true, and I would be concerned at someone who focused on my way of talking or expressing myself (as opposed to something I said which may have been inappropriate or hurtful, for example). The suspicion would be that I should start to police myself. Maybe it's not the case, and you have shown that it can be taken two ways. But as someone who has known a lot of manipulation and emotional abuse, it raises alarms. It takes more than a couple of incidents to form a pattern, though, so I would just note it for future reference.

[clia]

I think he totally overreacted to both incidents, particularly the second. It seems totally natural to me that you would inquire who the guy is that he'd been talking to on speakerphone in front of you. The fact that he got upset seems really, really strange to me. Regarding the first incident, you clarified you were joking around so that should've appeased him. But honestly since the two if you typically spend Saturday nights together, he should've told you sooner that he had made other plans and shouldn't have gotten so upset at your reaction anyway.

 

Frankly, both reactions would raise a pink flag for me.

[Gaeta]

I live in Europe within arms reach of France.

 

I have plenty of European French female friends.

 

French European women are less confrontational? Oh lord. I laughed so hard at the very suggestion.

 

One French lady I worked with was so controlling everyone was wary of her. When she moved in with her boyfriend she said she was trying to learn to be flexible.

 

European French people in general have a big reputation in Europe for being rude and arrogant and not less confrontational.

 

God this guy is full of it.

 

Drama: being at arms length of France and working with French ladies does not give you an insight on how they are in romantic relationships. Yes they are rude and arrogant to others and to tourists but that has no bearing on how they conduct themselves in the intimacy of their home.

 

You may find French women liberated but you may have missed it in this thread that I am French as well, I am French Canadian and we, French Canadian women find the French women from France much less liberated than us here in North America. So what you qualify as being liberated or submissive is relative and is influence by your own origin.

 

You probably also have missed that he is Creole French so his experience with women is also influenced by his dual culture. He was married with a French woman then with a creole woman. I am also from a dual culture, I am French but born and raised in Canada. Like I told Red, culturally it's a big melt-pot an it's more complicated than you to just jump in and tell me he is lying about cultural differences.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Gaeta

[DramaInPajamas]

I just dont understand how one minor dispute over a Saturday has turned into 6 pages of debate and talk of cultural differences.

 

Jeez. The relationship has matured beyond the mad honeymood stage and now he wants some space.

 

Nothing to do with cultures. It is what every relationship goes through.

 

I had this with my last serious relationship. We were supposed to go out on a Sunday and he forgot to arrange and made other plans. I told him I was disappointed and he was a bit cheesed off ay me being annoyed but let it go. We are both white europeans, same cultural and religious backgrounds, etc.

 

When i was in my 20s a guy did the same. Made plans forgetting we had some pencilled in. I was upset he went off saying he hated controlly women.....yada yada.

 

Let them rage. Whatever. Truth is they want some space back. Again both white Europeans.

 

How are you going to react when you have your first major fight? It will happen. 20 pages of posts?

 

Just chill. There is nothing wrong.

Edited August 1, 2016 by DramaInPajamas

[Grisho]

I don't think any statements about how people are in broad brush strokes ever helps us. There's no way to say what women, men, the old, the young, people from x, people from y and so on and so on behave like usually. People are subject to all kinds of influences. Live with people on their terms and use their languages, then try to tell me how all people are x or y. I've never found that; I've found more commonality than difference. What I especially dislike about the comment about how people are is it ignores the fact that we can not only be variable as people, but variable at any given moment. I have moments of patience and impatience, being nice and being a pain in the arse and so on and so on.