My BF's fear of being controlled

[Gaeta]

I think that is a big part of it. But I have read all your posts gaeta, and honestly it sounds like he does not so much feel controlled, but rather he is tired of the routine. So the routine in-itself is controlling, and he hasnt said anything for so long cause he did not want that argument drama with you. But now hes just tired of acting like he is ok with it.

 

What do you mean the routine is controlling?

[Gaeta]

Is he really upset about this ? if he is then you need to hammer it out till you both feel comfortable with the compromise..because it will build resentment if left alone.

 

No he is not upset at all. As soon as those conversations were over he was back to himself and offering plans we could do together for the evening.

[Redhead14]

Do you know what Gaeta. I think you should plan to go out this Saturday and "forget" to tell him. Then go out for a brilliant evening with your girlfriends and have some time out.

 

This guy, for whatever reason is acting like a jerk and it needs to stop.

 

if you speak to him sensibly about it and he just gets even more "jerky" then c'est la vie. Clearly he is an idiot.

 

I don't know about going this route, I think they aren't talking about their schedules regularly and some assuming goes on. My SO and I talk about our schedules each week and make a plan. If there's something that comes up that one of us wants to do, we let each other know. We talk about all this.

[gorf]

What do you mean the routine is controlling?

I mean just that. Any sort of routine you have in your life, whether there is another person involved or not, controls you. For ex

 

your alarm clock wakes you up: gotta get up

could sleep in: but gotta go to work

could stop brushing teeth: but teeth will decay

 

I mean, routines. Those are a quick few above life routines, none of which involve people per say. If they did involve people (husband), then he would feel all the more guilty if he went against the routine that you (his sig other) are involved with. Its not a personal routine, its shared. So he does not want to displease by going against, so as a result it builds up irritation, anger, wanting "my way" just enough to break out of it.

[gorf]

No he is not upset at all. As soon as those conversations were over he was back to himself and offering plans we could do together for the evening.

 

On a side note, how about stop mentioning "girls night" or "us night" or "date night" and all that crap. Sit back for a few weeks and let him take the lead. He might to this moment appreciate things you plan, but feels like as a man he needs to do more. I lean more towards my first comment, but this might be an ave to take as well

[Gaeta]

On a side note, how about stop mentioning "girls night" or "us night" or "date night" and all that crap. Sit back for a few weeks and let him take the lead. He might to this moment appreciate things you plan, but feels like as a man he needs to do more. I lean more towards my first comment, but this might be an ave to take as well

 

In our 8.5 months together it was the very first time I was using 'girlfriend night' in a failed attempt to be cute.

 

I am not at all complaining he is not making plans for us. He does all the time and any plan I may have he's always up for it. There is no push-and-pull in our relationship.

[Larryville]

On a side note, how about stop mentioning "girls night" or "us night" or "date night" and all that crap.

 

Ok was catching up and got to Gorf’s comment and it went to the top. I don’t know about anyone else but when I see these posts and folks are in relationships and the categorize relationships in this manner make me grind my teeth and in my mind is a red flag. I’m know I’m being slightly sensitive and hyper but in most circumstances when you have to start parsing and fragmenting “parts” of your relationships to explain the dynamic it is NOT a cohesive relationship. IMHO

 

Goes to this next quote…

 

So those are the only 2 incidents but they happened both within 7 days so it has me thinking something is brewing underneath.

 

If I had a different tone and worded it differently it would have been ok. -- Now you're getting into a "walking on eggshells" thing where you have to monitor how you say EVERYTHING.

 

Exactly!

 

Do you know what Gaeta. I think you should plan to go out this Saturday and "forget" to tell him. This guy, for whatever reason is acting like a jerk and it needs to stop.

 

Good idea…

 

Beware of men who say things like 'your the only woman I've met who hasn't ____(fill in the blank) or 'you're the only woman I've ever met who does ____(fill in the blank). I know hearing that you're the only special one who doesn't do such and such or does do such and such is flattering but it's usually not true.

 

DITTO

 

If he viewed your interaction with him as controlling then obviously he has unfairly judged other women as controlling as well.

 

Another good point!

 

He told me a couple of times my north-American way is too forward for him, he is used to more subtlety as they do in Europe (France)

 

This kind pissed me off too, arrogant.

 

To me the beginning stages of relationship sabotage, when a dude wants out or when a relationship has hit the plateau dudes (mostly) do this “snarky” stuff and being disrespectful and labeling you, being passive aggressive...

[rester]

Here is an incident.

 

Last weekend he told me last minute he had made plans with friends for Saturday. I said: aaawww serious! I thought we were gonna go see Star Trek, Saturdays are girlfriend nights! c'mon! (I said this in a teasing way with huge grin on my face)

 

That was the wrong thing to say! I got a speech on how every night is girlfriend night and in 8 months he only took 2 Saturdays away from me. That I cannot dictate which night he can go out, this is controlling and he can't deal with controlling blahblahblah.

 

I told him I was not trying to control him. He is free to go out I was just expressing my disappointment and I was even teasing. He said if I am disappointed then to express disappointment to him and to not come up with silly rules like Saturdays are girlfriends night.

 

Anyway it turned into a big deal I've never meant it to be. He ended up cancelling his plans to stay with me and it made me feel even worse. I told him he didn't have to do that and he said I am more important and everything is alright.

 

I can understand his point of view on incident 1. He's probably harboring some resentment because he has spent every Saturday night (except for only 2) for 8.5 months with you (that's A LOT in my opinion!!). Now, if this bothers him, it's his responsibility to speak up about it, but since he ended up cancelling his plans to stay with you, I'm led to believe that he wants more freedom but doesn't want to make you angry or disappoint you. Also, the comment about "every night" being girlfriend night adds to this theory. I think he needs some time on his own.

 

I also agree with Redhead that your sarcastic remark about "girlfriend night" was passive aggressive and he probably just wanted one Saturday night to do his own thing and you complained about it. Like he said, he is spending every other night with you. He may feel like he is losing his identity and freedom at this point. I might be feeling the same way, in his shoes.

[preraph]

His biggest fear of being controlled is because HE'S CONTROLLING. He's projecting. A controlling person's worst nightmare is not having control. He sounds like a real mess that will not be a pleasure to share life with

[Redhead14]

Ths entire "exercise" is about the future. How they work this out and if they work it out as a couple, mutually, will say something for the relationship.

[elaine567]

He told me a couple of times my north-American way is too forward for him, he is used to more subtlety as they do in Europe (France), apparently women are more submissive over there. I told him I am willing to meet him half-way on our cultural differences and watch my tone but he has to meet me in the middle and not be so darn sensitive.

 

OK, so he is telling you there that submissive women are good, forward women are bad.

I think you are now in a struggle for power.

[Gaeta]

Do you know what Gaeta. I think you should plan to go out this Saturday and "forget" to tell him. Then go out for a brilliant evening with your girlfriends and have some time out.

 

This guy, for whatever reason is acting like a jerk and it needs to stop.

 

if you speak to him sensibly about it and he just gets even more "jerky" then c'est la vie. Clearly he is an idiot.

 

 

This man is far from being a jerk. He is kind, loving, attentive, generous, helpful, before I even realize I will need something he is ahead of me fixing what ever needs fixing. I never have to lift a finger he's there pushing and pulling for me, he is of service to my kid and family as much as he is to me, I just need to say 'I would like' and he's all over it making it happen.

[Gaeta]

OK, so he is telling you there that submissive women are good, forward women are bad.

I think you are now in a struggle for power.

 

Well no.

 

I am not used to North American women forwardness means I am not used to North American women forwardness.

[elaine567]

This man is far from being a jerk. He is kind, loving, attentive, generous, helpful, before I even realize I will need something he is ahead of me fixing what ever needs fixing. I never have to lift a finger he's there pushing and pulling for me, he is of service to my kid and family as much as he is to me, I just need to say 'I would like' and he's all over it making it happen.

 

Which is all great, but by doing all that, he is also slowly but surely taking over the reins.

YOU are sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the ride, but he will be gradually removing your ability to take the reins sometimes.

You don't need to worry, he's got it all covered...

You learn to accept more and more male dominance.

He is doing "everything", so rightly he makes the decisions.

One day when you want those reins back, you will have a big fight on your hands, he won't even let you near the bridle, never mind the reins.

[elaine567]

Well no.

 

I am not used to North American women forwardness means I am not used to North American women forwardness.

 

~>but that is not what you said

 

"He told me a couple of times my north-American way is too forward for him."

[mikeylo]

He is controlling. Its slowly creeping up and his true self will become more apparent. He is projecting his behavior on you.

[BaileyB]

I don't think there was anything wrong with what you said. I do, however, think that it got a little distorted when going through his filter (put in place by his past, negative experiences in relationships).

 

I do worry that you will now be walking on eggshells. Its a little like a sunburn - every little thing you do or say can cause him hurt, where to someone else or on a different day it would not be felt.

 

By telling you that the problem is you, he is in a way controlling the interaction by not recognizing how he contributes to "the disagreement" and telling you that you were the person in "the wrong."

 

I'm sure he is a wonderful man, and I hope you are able to talk through these things. I hope he thinks a little more about how he could be responding in these situations - rather than being so guarded and deflecting his fear onto you. Because, if he is really hurt and damaged from that past relationship, it may really take some of the joy out of your current relationship.

 

Best of luck.

[Ruby Slippers]

This sounds like minor stuff to me. If these little disagreements are your biggest problems, you're doing fantastic. It's normal around the 6-month mark to question whether you want to invest more deeply with someone and throw out little tests to get a read on things. The best thing you can do when he says you're controlling is to laugh it off and make light of it.

[Gaeta]

Which is all great, but by doing all that, he is also slowly but surely taking over the reins.

YOU are sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the ride, but he will be gradually removing your ability to take the reins sometimes.

You don't need to worry, he's got it all covered...

You learn to accept more and more male dominance.

He is doing "everything", so rightly he makes the decisions.

One day when you want those reins back, you will have a big fight on your hands, he won't even let you near the bridle, never mind the reins.

 

This is a little far fetched. He is 49, he is from the generation who takes pride in 'taking care of things'. His love language is definitely being of service, he is a manual man and he is putting his talent at my service. I don't see how putting up shelves for me and fixing my kid's break is taking over my life. I was single for 10 years before him it's not like I can't go back to fixing these things on my own. It's just very nice to have a man that is handy and is willing to help in anyway he can.

[Gaeta]

~>but that is not what you said

 

"He told me a couple of times my north-American way is too forward for him."

 

Let me rephrase it

 

my north-American way is too forward for him means = my north-American way is too forward for him.

 

It means what it means, not that he prefers submissive women. He may be used to more submissive women but it's one big step to make a statement like he prefers submissive women.

 

 

ETA: and he also said at least with me he knows where I stand there is no guessing which he appreciates so, this north American women thing is just something he needs to get used to, it's not something he is rejecting. It's a cultural difference he has identified and he is letting me know about it.

Edited July 29, 2016 by Gaeta

[jen1447]

What the heck am I suppose to reply to this?

 

Ask him if you can help him find his balls bc they seem to have gone missing.

 

(Or just listen to Red. )

[anika99]

I get what some of the other posters were saying about him maybe feeling controlled by the unspoken expectation that he spend every Saturday night with you. I had that kind of a relationship once. The guy was a homebody and he had social anxiety so we spend every Saturday night together at his place. We might grab dinner out but then we always went back to his place to watch movies....every Saturday night. I wasn't much of a social butterfly myself so at first it was okay but there were a couple of occasions when I had something I wanted to attend on a Saturday evening and he had a big pout about it. I did start to feel resentful and trapped. He would say that I had every other night to do my things. Umm, no I don't. My friends and family don't plan fun togethers in the middle of the week when everyone is working. Was everyone else in my life supposed to start planning their events for Wednesday evenings to accommodate him?

 

 

Maybe your bf is not a control freak. Maybe he was projecting onto you feelings that he thought you were having but you weren't. Like maybe he was nervous about telling you about having other plans for Saturday night because he was assuming you were going to be upset about it and give him grief. He was already all geared up to have an argument with you before he even mentioned his plans. You didn't say anything wrong but as he was already expecting a fight he couldn't reasonably decipher your actual demeanor and feelings. He might not be a controlling jerk but I think he needs to work on not reacting to things he's imagining in his head.

 

 

Now the bit about your question sounding too inquisitive is still just way out there and something I would be worried about.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I only read the first page...it sounds like the one who is controlling is him. I wonder whether it was really his ex or him that was the controlling parting...hmmm....

[dreamingoftigers]

If I had a different tone and worded it differently it would have been ok. -- Now you're getting into a "walking on eggshells" thing where you have to monitor how you say EVERYTHING. That was an innocuous question based on an open conversation he had in front of you. It wasn't prying.

 

Your tone? It's not like he had been speaking to or mentioning a woman's name . . . He's projecting . . . Strike 2 . . . keep an eye on this.

 

I should add, that oftentimes when a person has a fear of being controlled, they in turn become the controlling partner . . . you may be seeing a little glimmer of this because you may find that you have to be careful about what/how you say things to him and he's grooming you to basically keep your mouth shut and don't ask questions. I'm not saying this is the case, because it just happened recently, but if its a pattern, you may have a problem.

 

Just let this sit and observe if a pattern develops.

 

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking.

 

Generally when a guy has this "women are controlling" thing, it Red Flags to me immediately.

 

And eight months in (around six months) is about the right amount of time for the Red Flags to start showing up .

 

Men who also say "women that I date do XYZ." Almost have an in-built narrative that means you'll be the next woman who is described as doing XYZ.

 

I am not saying you are in a Verbally Abusive Relationship. But I suggest you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship to see if this is one of those relationships where YOU are in a relationship and HE is in a power struggle.

 

I honestly fear when men say the C-word. Because men that get "scared" about control instead of simply enforcing their personal boundaries tend to react very poorly to any perceived threat.

 

They are the type that either abuse: Verbally or physically. Or they don't confront you with issues and just cheat around on you to "strike back."

 

I hate dating. I hope I never have to do it again.

[Weezy1973]

Often being hyper sensitive to any sign that they're being controlled is a symptom of bigger problems, usually resulting from childhood trauma. Others include hyper sensitivity to being neglected (these are the people that get mad if you don't text back right away); hyper sensitivity to signs of abandonment (they'll always think you're going to leave them for someone else) and hyper sensitivity to signs of criticism (they fail to acknowledge their responsibility in anything).