Caught girlfriend yesterday and don't know how to proceed

[Strekoza]

I am insecure, at this point. Wouldn't you be if you got cheated on twice in a row by two different women? As for anger, i always had anger issues and an extremely short temper. I realize that it isn't the guys fault, but I just don't understand what kind of a self respecting guy completely ignores when a woman tells him that she has a boyfriend. When someone tells me that it's a red flag and I tend to stay away.

[Strekoza]

I am not sure if being alone is really that great of an option. I am already a lonewolf and when I choose to get someone in my life I become very dependent on that one person, I feel like a piece of me is missing when they're gone. Other people usually have friends who take them out for drinks immediately and help distract them. I just have my clients that I need to keep showing that I'm the happiest person in the world to in order to make money. Not that I believe anyone out there can genuinely care anyway. Therapy didn't help me either I have seen more therapist's than I can count and just felt like I'm adding money to a parking meter, then "bam! Times up!" Come back again. I need genuine understanding which I feel like no one out there can give me whether I pay them for it or not.

[JS84]

Honestly, while what the girl did was wrong, you don't sound like you're in the right mind frame to be in a relationship anyway. I think you projected a lot of your wants, desires, and expectations in a partner onto her which never works out in the long run because eventually reality comes knocking. As others have said, it's fine to have expectations and standards in a partner but yours seem pretty unrealistic and out there. Therapy might not be a bad idea if you're not doing that already. Good luck.

[Strekoza]

What am I expecting that's so unrealistic? I don't believe in wasting time, effort, emotions and money on a relationship unless it leads to marriage, it's just unnecessary in my opinion. It's like building a house that you will break before putting up the roof.

[ExpatInItaly]

What am I expecting that's so unrealistic? I don't believe in wasting time, effort, emotions and money on a relationship unless it leads to marriage, it's just unnecessary in my opinion. It's like building a house that you will break before putting up the roof.

 

 

Quite a lot, actually.

 

Expecting a woman to be a virgin when you are not one yourself, for one. And you admittedly treat them as "less" because of it. Most women won't tolerate that type of antiquated double-standard, nor should they. It screams of sexism, jealousy and control issues.

 

Also, expecting that a woman be "ready" to marry by 25 isn't very realistic these days in this part of the world either. Many women around that age are finishing up post-secondary studies and getting their careers off the ground. That's not to say there aren't some who marry under 25, but plenty wait until they establish themselves first. May I ask, what traits do you possess that would make you a desirable husband? What can you show a woman in terms of career stability, financial security, emotional maturity, and so on? I mean that sincerely.

 

Plenty of us have been cheated on, even more than once - myself included. Do I think an entire country of men is somehow not good enough for me, because of the mistakes of a few? Of course not. You need to improve your woman-picker and get some help managing your insecurity and admitted anger problems. That is a far healthier way forward for you.

 

In short, if you are dating with the goal of marriage at this point, chasing an 18-year-old is going to get you nowhere.

[Strekoza]

Thats exactly why I realized that I needed a virgin, I know it's unfair to treat anyone badly because of past decisions. I want to be able to give her everything I have to offer and more. I don't hide the fact that I'm not a virgin, nor do I force anyone to accept it if they aren't ok with it. There are women who look for other qualities in men besides the amount of sexual partners they've had, this one didn't mind at all.

 

I don't expect her or anyone to be married at 25, actually she is the one who always brought up marriage and that would even scare me because I didn't know if I was ready, though I know I should be before 30 for sure.

 

As far as what I can offer her, maybe I'm not the best person to ask since I think very highly of myself, but I can offer her the peace of mind of knowing that she'll never be lied to about anything, she thanked me for this herself. My career field isn't the most stable, but I make more money in real estate working for myself than most of my peers do working for someone else. I also intend to pursue another degree in September, so real estate will be more part time. I taught her something new every day and that's another reason why I wanted an inexperienced partner, I want to be the father figure she never had, in addition to her lover. I'm starting to realize that I'm behaving immaturely by ignoring her and maybe I should just talk some sense into her, perhaps she is too immature to understand.

[MzLady]

You want to be her father-figure and her lover? This is horrible. There are some serious control issues here.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thats exactly why I realized that I needed a virgin, I know it's unfair to treat anyone badly because of past decisions. I want to be able to give her everything I have to offer and more. I don't hide the fact that I'm not a virgin, nor do I force anyone to accept it if they aren't ok with it. There are women who look for other qualities in men besides the amount of sexual partners they've had, this one didn't mind at all.

 

I don't expect her or anyone to be married at 25, actually she is the one who always brought up marriage and that would even scare me because I didn't know if I was ready, though I know I should be before 30 for sure.

 

As far as what I can offer her, maybe I'm not the best person to ask since I think very highly of myself, but I can offer her the peace of mind of knowing that she'll never be lied to about anything, she thanked me for this herself. My career field isn't the most stable, but I make more money in real estate working for myself than most of my peers do working for someone else. I also intend to pursue another degree in September, so real estate will be more part time. I taught her something new every day and that's another reason why I wanted an inexperienced partner, I want to be the father figure she never had, in addition to her lover. I'm starting to realize that I'm behaving immaturely by ignoring her and maybe I should just talk some sense into her, perhaps she is too immature to understand.

 

This is very...bizarre.

 

She wanted a boyfriend, not a daddy.

 

You don't need to talk sense into her. That will just make you look desperate and lacking any self-respect, given that she cheated on you. She is an adult, capable of making her own choices. Sure this one sucked, but she made a very cognizant decision to be with another man. If you want better luck with women, you need to get down off that high horse you've got yourself on, OP, and not try to be a father and lover... women will find that an utter turn-off.

[Strekoza]

I would never do it, not sure what got into me at the moment I thought that. Ended up forcing myself to go out last night and felt a whole lot better. It's like all the feelings of guilt and analylzing what I did wrong to make her do that to me had switched back to anger, hatred and disgust. I took everything that reminded me of her and stuffed it in the trunk of my car. Eventually, I will ship it all to her adress in a box by UPS and that will be end of story. She did what any inexperienced little **** would have done, she will realize soon enough what she had lost (if she hasn't yet). I really don't mind that it had to come to an end, in fact I offered it countless times in the past few months when we fought. Just really feel horrible that it had to happen this way again. I already had the absolute hardest time trusting people and getting close to them, now this will probably make it completely impossible. I also was reminded how I never loved her in the beginning of the relationship, while she would cry every time we had to depart. I admit that I have become very emotionally dependent on her as I always do on the person I'm with, after a while. I tried to occupy my day so that right after work I signed up to do a group bike ride and going to boxing class after that. Looks like someone else will be taking one hell of a beating for her.

Edited July 27, 2016 by Strekoza

[Strekoza]

My father is currently on his 8th marriage now, I always wanted to be the complete opposite. Looks like there are things I simply have no control over, what a shame.

[cupcakesyum]

She is 18 and it sounds like she is very confused and doesn't know what she wants, which is why she was hanging out with a guy from politics class behind your back. She is obviously not ready for a serious relationship. You don't want to be with someone who is going to be doing things like that. For now, just work on yourself, plan your future, and put in the work that you need to in order to succeed in life. The right one will come along ?

[sandylee1]

You have a double standard my friend and being the 21st century, women don't put up with it easily. You'll be doomed to a life on your own if you don't change your views.

 

You may get lucky and find a virgin, but young people like to explore these days and live their lives before getting tied down in marriage. So you'll be hard pushed to find a 23 year plus virgin and a younger lady age 18 plus, isn't highly likely to be with you for another 7 years. So many women who have cheated claim it was the desire to try another man ..... how does a girl know the sex with you is the best she can get if she has nothing to compare it to?

 

You need to get real.

[Strekoza]

This sounds more like the rant of a 16 year old, not that of a 24 year old. You have some very serious psychological/FOO issues, my friend. Get into therapy right now and get those addressed, otherwise no girl, virgin or not, will touch you with a ten foot pole.

 

Remind me why I would want a girl with a "10 foot pole" touching me again?!

I didn't know opinions had age limits on them, guess I'm a young soul.

Truth is, the responses I have gotten on here have really shocked the hell out of me. How okay Americans are with the whole idea of cheating, or as you call it "exploring sexuality" (that phrase nauseates me). Now if these were Russian forums everyone would be yelling something more along the lines of how "she deserves to die", then we'd probably all be on the same page.

The only way I can cope with this whole idea and be able to move on is when I turn all my thoughts into anger, hatred and convince myself that I'm lucky I didn't marry her, having her do something like this while she's my wife then taking off with a US citizenship.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Strekoza

[ExpatInItaly]

Remind me why I would want a girl with a "10 foot pole" touching me again?!

I didn't know opinions had age limits on them, guess I'm a young soul.

Truth is, the responses I have gotten on here have really shocked the hell out of me. How okay Americans are with the whole idea of cheating, or as you call it "exploring sexuality" (that phrase nauseates me). Now if these were Russian forums everyone would be yelling something more along the lines of how "she deserves to die", then we'd probably all be on the same page.

The only way I can cope with this whole idea and be able to move on is when I turn all my thoughts into anger, hatred and convince myself that I'm lucky I didn't marry her, having her do something like this while she's my wife then taking off with a US citizenship.[

 

You're in for a terribly unhappy life if you don't get yourself together and spend time focusing on resolving your disturbances.

 

Otherwise, you will find that women keep choosing more mature and emotionally stable men. Your ex's choice to date another man was hurtful and the way she went about it was inappropriate. However, if you behave like this in your relationships and give them a glimpse of your anger and immaturity, then it's no wonder you're not able to keep a girl around.

 

Time to grow up, OP. Your mentality will repel women of all nationalities.

A 24-year-old behaving like a butt-hurt kid is just not attractive.

[Toodaloo]

Remind me why I would want a girl with a "10 foot pole" touching me again?!

I didn't know opinions had age limits on them, guess I'm a young soul.

Truth is, the responses I have gotten on here have really shocked the hell out of me. How okay Americans are with the whole idea of cheating, or as you call it "exploring sexuality" (that phrase nauseates me). Now if these were Russian forums everyone would be yelling something more along the lines of how "she deserves to die", then we'd probably all be on the same page.

The only way I can cope with this whole idea and be able to move on is when I turn all my thoughts into anger, hatred and convince myself that I'm lucky I didn't marry her, having her do something like this while she's my wife then taking off with a US citizenship.

 

Strekoza.

 

I think you have a lot of issues that can not be dealt with here. I think you need to see a therapist and I think you should do that as soon as possible.

 

Wanting a person dead and thinking that is OK just because they cheated is not normal and certainly NOT OK. Not even in Russia.

 

Yes it is fine to be hurt and to want to break up because of it and no cheating is not an OK thing to do. But people do make mistakes.

 

You also have an unhealthy obsession with virgins and a very aggressive nature.

 

See someone and get it sorted before you end up getting yourself into trouble.

 

You might listen to this you might choose to ignore me or continue being aggressive and critical but I don't think you will be able to find the healthy, happy relationship you are so clearly searching for until you have these issues sorted out. Virgin or no virgin.

 

Oh and if you hate America so much you have every right to leave so please do so if you wish. I am sure Russia would take you back.

[Strekoza]

Alright, let me explain again since it seems like the first 10 times just weren't enough for you. I don't mind breaking up, in fact I usually am the first one who brings it up, with this girl and many others when I feel unhappy with them. They never were able to agree to it, they would always beg me to stay and give them a chance try to work things out, so maybe I'm not as bad as you describe. It's the part that they try to hide something like this behind my back that pisses me the **** off. Understand yet?! The dishonestly! I'm always 100% straightforward as probably even you noticed already. I speak exactly what's on my mind wether it's good or bad. Wether everyone or anyone at all will agree with me or not. Wether you think I'm sick or not, just because I have a different opinion from that of yours.

[Strekoza]

Strekoza.

 

I think you have a lot of issues that can not be dealt with here. I think you need to see a therapist and I think you should do that as soon as possible.

 

Wanting a person dead and thinking that is OK just because they cheated is not normal and certainly NOT OK. Not even in Russia.

 

Yes it is fine to be hurt and to want to break up because of it and no cheating is not an OK thing to do. But people do make mistakes.

 

You also have an unhealthy obsession with virgins and a very aggressive nature.

 

See someone and get it sorted before you end up getting yourself into trouble.

 

You might listen to this you might choose to ignore me or continue being aggressive and critical but I don't think you will be able to find the healthy, happy relationship you are so clearly searching for until you have these issues sorted out. Virgin or no virgin.

 

Oh and if you hate America so much you have every right to leave so please do so if you wish. I am sure Russia would take you back.

 

You "think" I have a lot of issues that can't be dealt with here? Well, thanks for noticing! I am aware of any issues I have, but never did I come to relationship advice forums to talk about my mental health issues. The only thing I asked for was advice on my relationship and was slightly disappointed with what I got as far as answers, but in the end it's all just opinions and I had my own. I wanted to see what the majority says and compare it to that of mine. Don't you think it's a bit close minded of you to suggest something just because you "think" it? Like for example me going back to Russia. How do you know I was born in Russia in the first place? If I wanted to move to Russia your permission would be the last I would ask.

Also, why would I need to go to therapy when I have specialists like yourself and others here diagnosing me with various bull**** for the past 2 days? Saved me a good chunk of money.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Strekoza

[sandylee1]

OP,

 

♢ I'm not okay with cheating and infact I think it's a very low and

nasty thing to do. My view is that if you aren't happy in a

relationship you leave it.

 

♢ I'm also not American.

 

♢ The girl should have left you, before she cheated on you, but you have very dated and old fashioned views about women.

 

You need to get to grips with the reality that a low percentage will marry the first person they have sex with. Not in this day and age.

 

Unless you have an arranged marriage like in some cultures, where you there's no courtship and you're guaranteed to marry the virgin as long as the families are happy and the two of you agree.

 

You want a girl to look past the fact that you've had other lovers, but you won't do the same for her. It's chauvanistic thinking.

[Strekoza]

I haven't had any other lovers during my exclusive relationship with her, they were all from before. So not exactly the same...

Yes, I agree that I am old fashioned, surely there has to be someone out there who has the same views. After all there is over 7 billion people out there.

That's the ****ed up part about this whole situation, no matter how much we talked and I asked her if she wanted to break up, she always begged me to stay with her. I wouldn't have been mad at all if she just told me straight up that this isn't working, it's best we split.

[Strekoza]

Went out to my companies bbq party today and socialized with a bunch of women, can't understand why, but It depressed the hell out of me. How are they all just so different from what I imagine a woman like? All these days I tried to avoid pot and alcohol no matter what, so much for that.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yup, I realize that. Guess it's going to be one hell of a challenge to find another virgin, who doesn't think like that.

Before you defile another virgin with your sexually transmitted 'germs,' make sure you're clean. Jesus.

[elaine567]

You "think" I have a lot of issues that can't be dealt with here? Well, thanks for noticing! I am aware of any issues I have, but never did I come to relationship advice forums to talk about my mental health issues. The only thing I asked for was advice on my relationship and was slightly disappointed with what I got as far as answers, but in the end it's all just opinions and I had my own.

 

Don't you think your mental health issues may be affecting your relationships and that they are somehow interlinked?

[Lois_Griffin]

I taught her something new every day and that's another reason why I wanted an inexperienced partner, I want to be the father figure she never had, in addition to her lover. I'm starting to realize that I'm behaving immaturely by ignoring her and maybe I should just talk some sense into her, perhaps she is too immature to understand.

LOL.

 

I'm picturing the OP hanging out by the local high school - just like Matthew McConaughey's character in Dazed and Confused - and checking out the local 'talent' in search of his next virgin.

 

Just. Ewwww.

[ExpatInItaly]

Went out to my companies bbq party today and socialized with a bunch of women, can't understand why, but It depressed the hell out of me. How are they all just so different from what I imagine a woman like? All these days I tried to avoid pot and alcohol no matter what, so much for that.

 

We have actually already answered that. What you're looking for isn't realistic these days.

 

Why can you not avoid alcohol and pot?

[Strekoza]

Don't you think your mental health issues may be affecting your relationships and that they are somehow interlinked?

 

No, I don't think my short temper has anything to do with their honesty and loyalty.