Stopped looking= much happier

[JuneJulySeptember]

If you want to give up on dating, you might want to keep your distance from LoveShack for a while.

 

It's not too helpful being around a place where you're constantly reminded about dating when you are trying to put it out of your head and you're able to vent for hours, killing parts of your day. Maybe come back when your head is straighter.

 

[]

Edited July 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off-topic content redacted

[LookAtThisPOst]

ZA just be like this guy...lol

[JuneJulySeptember]

ZA just be like this guy...lol

 

Heh, big difference between needing love and needing sex.

 

Maybe it's just because I love embrace society's underdogs, or maybe because I'm a bit of social outcast myself but I know several people who have given up or have no desire and have been like that for many years.

 

One guy I know spends his salary getting a hooker every other week. If you only need to satisfy your urge to have sex with women and enjoy having sex with condoms, then that would be a solution.

[ZA Dater]

No one can be blamed for wanting to be with someone who is intelligent. And they're out there. Believe me. Beautiful and extremely intelligent women are everywhere.

 

The problem (well, your problem) is that they aren't going to go for a some guy who thinks he's smarter and better than everyone and one who has a "woe is me" mentality. They have options, and they're smart enough to see through your veil of "big" words.

 

 

 

It took a long time, but I looked at myself to see if maybe I had some issues which were causing women to flake on me. Yep, found out I did have some issues (resentment, fear, bad attitude, etc.)

 

Yes I wallowed and got upset when women flaked on me. But I'm smart enough to realize that wasn't going to do me any good. So, I improved my life in many areas, and I've even turned around a girl who just wanted me as a friend before, but who now is talking about long-term potential between us. And... crazy I know, but she's beautiful.

 

By taking on a common denominator in my failed relationships, I've improved my life immensely.

 

 

My whole point. Don't just think about them, do something about them.

 

If you're as smart as you claim to be, you should be able to figure out what you need to do.

 

The beauty about women is that most of them don't put as much emphasis on physical attraction as men do.

 

Maybe they are but luckily for them they are in the position to choose who they want. Ladies do the rejecting not men, which implies it is them who have the choice. Men just need to do something seemingly extraordinary to impress whomever they may be attracted to and then hope she hasn't got better options.

 

 

Cynical: yes.

 

 

Agreed, everyone can strive to improve, absolutely. However, you actually have to want the end goal, which I don't really want anymore because there isn't really an end goal, its not like there is anyone at the moment with whom I would have any realistic possibility of success, to whom I am attracted. Why then should I put myself through introspection? Seems pretty pointless to me.

 

 

I am glad you managed to achieve the very difficult and turn someone around, kudos because that's really tough to do and its good to read that it is possible. For most of my dating life I have attempted to do the same with the very few people I have found attractive but I just realised it was becoming incredibly emotionally draining to try and keep chipping away at something for which there was next to no chance of success. This is simply being pragmatic and realistic, someone who has a bf an didn't find me attractive when they were single isn't suddenly going to find me attractive by virtue of my new clothes or haircut or even a slightly more outgoing personality.

 

 

That's my point, change, improve by all means but have an objective and a reason to do so.

 

 

Once again, people who manage to turn bad into good have my respect but for me I'd rather just focus on areas of life where I have a realistic chance of finding success as opposed to pouring energy into one where I don't really have much of a chance.

 

 

There are far more fulfilling things than living on a hope you might just match up to someone you like when objectively there are few reasons why anyone would match up to you.

 

 

Again I am happy I tried, happy I pursued what I wanted, even if I had not idea how to pursue anyone.

[Moves Like Jagger]

There is nothing wrong with not looking. People all the time give up or suspend their goals and dreams on things like hobbies and businesses. However, I am not sure that you have tried your best. I remember some one tell you that you should go see a psychiatrist to check if you have some problem.

 

I have read your threads and never understood why you haven't explored getting advice from people outside of this message board who could observe your body language and mannerisms. You rejected psychiatrists because they couldn't fix your problem. You also rejected the idea of a dating coach because you're too far gone.

 

I imagine what it would be like if girls that you talked to started writing down notes about their impression of you. I can see your special female colleague sitting down with you and giving you her brutally honest critique of her impression of you as a potential dating partner if she were single. Yeah, I know that it would be unrealistic for them to be able to do that.

 

I know plenty of guys who are passionate about politics. Yet, they don't have any problems connecting with women. They enjoy approaching and socializing with women outside of the Internet.

 

I notice that you rely much more on dating sites to meet women while you choose to eschew Meetup events or bars. I can understand avoiding bars because it's really high pressure. But Meetup events? Nearly everyone there are really nice. I can't help but think that you're uncomfortable of social situations because you're introvert. After reading your posts, I still have no idea what happens when you approach a girl outside of the Internet.

[basil67]

Ladies do the rejecting not men, which implies it is them who have the choice.

 

Hang on a minute. Aren't you the poster who won't consider dating a woman if she's overweight/single mother/doesn't know big words/isn't sufficiently intellectual for you?

 

I'm not saying that you should date women who you're not attracted to, But why is it that you can criticise women for having high standards but don't think twice about your own high standards?

 

And men don't need to wow with extraordinary measures. We simply need to 'get' each other.

[ZA Dater]

There is nothing wrong with not looking. People all the time give up or suspend their goals and dreams on things like hobbies and businesses. However, I am not sure that you have tried your best. I remember some one tell you that you should go see a psychiatrist to check if you have some problem.

 

I have read your threads and never understood why you haven't explored getting advice from people outside of this message board who could observe your body language and mannerisms. You rejected psychiatrists because they couldn't fix your problem. You also rejected the idea of a dating coach because you're too far gone.

 

I imagine what it would be like if girls that you talked to started writing down notes about their impression of you. I can see your special female colleague sitting down with you and giving you her brutally honest critique of her impression of you as a potential dating partner if she were single. Yeah, I know that it would be unrealistic for them to be able to do that.

 

I know plenty of guys who are passionate about politics. Yet, they don't have any problems connecting with women. They enjoy approaching and socializing with women outside of the Internet.

 

I notice that you rely much more on dating sites to meet women while you choose to eschew Meetup events or bars. I can understand avoiding bars because it's really high pressure. But Meetup events? Nearly everyone there are really nice. I can't help but think that you're uncomfortable of social situations because you're introvert. After reading your posts, I still have no idea what happens when you approach a girl outside of the Internet.

 

1: Possibly true but I am happy with the effort I have made.

 

2: I have, I have asked friends for honest opinions and what I got back was just totally confusing because friends cannot relate to my dating situation, none of them have ever struggled ever. They try to relate but cannot.

 

3: She wont date me because apparently I lack confidence and I too shy. However, apparently I am a "really nice guy". Even when I do project confidence its not quite enough. This is the problem I have every time and it boils down to , whatever I do its never either right or its not what people want.

 

4: I don't enjoy approaching, did it once, wont ever do it again. Being looked down at like some sub human isn't fun so I wont go there again. I have neither the charm nor the ability to flirt to make any approach work. I don't enjoy approaching primarily because objectively my chances of success are next to zero such is my inability to relate to most people. Here is an example, I am busy writing a novel, have completed around 100 pages so far, naturally this comes up on a date. I get asked nothing about it at all, the dates I have had people have taken ZERO interest in me at all, its always me having to take the interest in them and after a while this becomes tiresome and I get back from the date just tired and wondering why I wasted my time. The irony is the people I genuinely find attractive are ones who are interested in me to some degree, this is exceptionally rare though. The point here is people are all fundamentally the same, I keep harping on this subject but I firmly believe most ladies all look for the same thing.

 

5: Refer to point 4. I genuinely do not find most people interesting at all, unless we connect by means of some common interest and that's particularly rare to find. What usually happens with people I like, it happened with the co worker and it happens with K. They don't have an issue with me, they love the attention I give them but its always severely one sided in the sense its me giving everything and they will give but right up to a point and them the door gets slammed shut. We can get personal but right up to a point and then nothing further comes of it.

 

6: People don't find me attractive, never have I been lavished with the attention and clear attraction I see guys getting all around me. Mostly people wont even hug me to say hello and I guess that says a lot about me.

 

The point here is I can free myself from what for me isn't a fun experience, isn't a nice experience and not have to worry about any of this, not have to worry whether I am projecting confidence or not, not worry if I look hot or not. Basically I want to remove things which bring no positivity into my life and dating is number one on that list.

 

"Don't you want to get laid, you cant give up", in my mind the end doesn't justify the means, I cannot even find anyone I like and when I do they aren't interested.

[ZA Dater]

Hang on a minute. Aren't you the poster who won't consider dating a woman if she's overweight/single mother/doesn't know big words/isn't sufficiently intellectual for you?

 

I'm not saying that you should date women who you're not attracted to, But why is it that you can criticise women for having high standards but don't think twice about your own high standards?

 

And men don't need to wow with extraordinary measures. We simply need to 'get' each other.

 

No issue with them choosing at all, I just think ultimately they reject and guys just stand around hoping they are going to be chosen. Absolutely no issue with the choices people make, in most instances I look around and wonder "she can do a heck of a lot better than that" or I look around and see models who cant find dates and I then wonder if a 10 on the looks scale cant find a partner then why am I really bothering?

 

At the end of the day, you can be ruled by emotions or by logic, maybe I am guilty of letting emotions take over from logic, maybe had I used logic years ago I would not have to have felt so terrible for such a long time.

 

I think I have been very realistic as to who I have chased and only chased where I felt I had a realistic chance of success but even then the result was the same.

 

Eventually you need to offload this baggage, you cant carry it around forever and that's really what I am doing now.

 

The unfortunate part about me is each time I did chase I think it just came across as overly desperate.

 

Ladies are welcome to make their choices and seeing I am never chosen they wont be missing much if I remove myself from the metaphorical line of guys hoping to get their attention.

[basil67]

No issue with them choosing at all, I just think ultimately they reject and guys just stand around hoping they are going to be chosen. Absolutely no issue with the choices people make, in most instances I look around and wonder "she can do a heck of a lot better than that" or I look around and see models who cant find dates and I then wonder if a 10 on the looks scale cant find a partner then why am I really bothering?

 

At the end of the day, you can be ruled by emotions or by logic, maybe I am guilty of letting emotions take over from logic, maybe had I used logic years ago I would not have to have felt so terrible for such a long time.

 

 

Have you ever read anyone else's threads on this board? Specifically the ones by the women who aren't getting chosen? I dare say that most woman on this board has had it happen more than once that they fancy a guy who doesn't return the interest. I've certainly had it happen a number of times. But you make it sound like all women are just swanning around picking and choosing who they want to date.

 

You say that you look around and think "she can do better than that". Have you got any idea how judgmental that sounds? How can you even begin to judge if you don't know a person?

 

And why should a '10' model necessarily have lots of men to choose from? She might be an unpleasant person. But by your logic, guys will overlook her personality because of her beauty.

 

[]

Edited July 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personalized comment redacted

[ZA Dater]

[]

 

FYI I have read many such threads and my over riding opinion is if the world wasn't shallow those same ladies would have success. Yes, I was generalising but for the most part is remains true to lesser and greater extents depending on the amount of socialising. Perhaps if I did that more I would meet ladies who have no success.

 

My experience is people don't put much importance into personality, its all superficial, again that probably says a lot about my point of reference.

 

I am allowed my opinion and yes I do look around and think exactly that, I am judged every time I step out and we all judge consciously or not. If anything most of what attraction is related judgement, to ones persons judgement one may to attractive to someone else one might be awful, nothing has changed barring the judgement.

 

You simply cannot quantitatively say one person is better than other, better is largely down to judgement. What makes a model better than a stay at home mother of two? Nothing really, each would be attractive to a different person.

 

Spending time directing ones life to try and be attractive, try be confident, try be outgoing, worrying if this outfit looks good, worrying if someone may find this or that attractive. Frankly its an exhausting way to live in my opinion and if you aren't having any success then why do it at all?

 

[]

Edited July 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Full quote of immediately preceding post redacted; content edited

[ZA Dater]

So anyway I see friend at an event her and I went to, walk her to her car after and on the way I am told how fantastic her bf is and he is making her lunch and has a movie chosen.

 

I sometimes think people say things to illicit a reaction from others, to my credit I didn't give much of a reaction to this nor did I feel particularly awful and looser like as I would have done in the past.

 

Not really sure what reaction she was looking for but I must admit it was water off a ducks back for me. Makes no difference to my life how great or not her bf is.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

So anyway I see friend at an event her and I went to, walk her to her car after and on the way I am told how fantastic her bf is and he is making her lunch and has a movie chosen.

 

I sometimes think people say things to illicit a reaction from others, to my credit I didn't give much of a reaction to this nor did I feel particularly awful and looser like as I would have done in the past.

 

Not really sure what reaction she was looking for but I must admit it was water off a ducks back for me. Makes no difference to my life how great or not her bf is.

 

Ya it's like a slap in the face when people talk about stuff like that in front of you

[Chris2016]

Ya it's like a slap in the face when people talk about stuff like that in front of you

 

It's not necessarily a "slap in the face".

 

If I have no interest in the lady, I could care less if she said that or not. Great, you have a boyfriend, who gives a sh*t.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Chris2016

[Chris2016]

So anyway I see friend at an event her and I went to, walk her to her car after and on the way I am told how fantastic her bf is and he is making her lunch and has a movie chosen.

 

I sometimes think people say things to illicit a reaction from others, to my credit I didn't give much of a reaction to this nor did I feel particularly awful and looser like as I would have done in the past.

 

Not really sure what reaction she was looking for but I must admit it was water off a ducks back for me. Makes no difference to my life how great or not her bf is.

 

Now that's how you do it! Learn from your past and move forward!

[Chris2016]

Also, I would add, does it have to mean anything.

 

Sometimes when I socialize with ladies in my running group (I run with them, we socialize, it's just the norm), they would eventually bring up their boyfriend or husband. Most women I guess will be coupled. Okay, you're taken. Great! I can actually then be more myself around them. Not that I was originally looking to hook up or thought I had a chance. It's just all part of the socializing.

[ZA Dater]

Ya it's like a slap in the face when people talk about stuff like that in front of you

 

Not really because the bf in this case is one more rooted in convenience and the desperation to have one than anything else. Like me she absolutely struggled at dating for many years, this brother of a friend came along and woopdido she has a bf.

 

Strange the none of our mutual friends have ever seen her with him.

[ZA Dater]

Now that's how you do it! Learn from your past and move forward!

 

Yes, simply be happy with enjoying life.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

So you have kinda given up on looking for a girlfriend?

[elaine567]

So anyway I see friend at an event her and I went to, walk her to her car after and on the way I am told how fantastic her bf is and he is making her lunch and has a movie chosen.

 

I sometimes think people say things to illicit a reaction from others, to my credit I didn't give much of a reaction to this nor did I feel particularly awful and looser like as I would have done in the past.

 

Not really sure what reaction she was looking for but I must admit it was water off a ducks back for me. Makes no difference to my life how great or not her bf is.

 

She did that, either to emphasise the fact she has a bf, who she is happy with, and the message being - "Don't get any other ideas".

She perhaps saw something in the way you were acting towards her, and so she felt she had to re-establish that boundary.

 

Or she genuinely sees you simply as a friend and so mentioning her great bf is just small talk.

 

Of course if she is just doing it to go "Nah nah ni nah nah, I've got a great bf and you have nobody" then that is NOT a friend is it?

[ZA Dater]

She did that, either to emphasise the fact she has a bf, who she is happy with, and the message being - "Don't get any other ideas".

She perhaps saw something in the way you were acting towards her, and so she felt she had to re-establish that boundary.

 

Or she genuinely sees you simply as a friend and so mentioning her great bf is just small talk.

 

Of course if she is just doing it to go "Nah nah ni nah nah, I've got a great bf and you have nobody" then that is NOT a friend is it?

 

Trying to understand people is a fairly fruitless exercise. I accept her for what she is, someone who takes a passing interest in me and helps me accomplish great things while making me feel confident and good. It was probably just small talk.

[elaine567]

It was probably just small talk.

I think so too.

[ZA Dater]

I think so too.

 

Its all good, as I say trying to understand people is really hard tiresome work and you achieve nothing doing it because you never really understand them.

 

She is certainly lavishing me with attention today.

[elaine567]

Its all good, as I say trying to understand people is really hard tiresome work and you achieve nothing doing it because you never really understand them.

 

Trying to understand people is necessary if you want to get into relationships with them, it is a bit of a cop out to say you will never really understand them, so it is not worth the bother.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Trying to understand people is necessary if you want to get into relationships with them, it is a bit of a cop out to say you will never really understand them, so it is not worth the bother.

 

Well, I think the point he was getting was, for clarification, that trying to understand the un-understandable makes you want to move on from that person.

[ZA Dater]

Trying to understand people is necessary if you want to get into relationships with them, it is a bit of a cop out to say you will never really understand them, so it is not worth the bother.

 

I have just realised I cannot understand people, which is one of the many reasons I am incapable of finding a girlfriend.