Should I wait for the ring... or leave??

July 25, 2016

This guy thinks if he marries OP he will then meet the love of his life and be forever stuck with OP and not be able to get together with the woman of his dreams...

THAT is why men don't want to marry. They don't mind making purchases that can be sold because those are just "things". Even the dog depending on the breed has a time limit on it.

But some men (quite rightly) take marriage/ children as a life long commitment and simply WILL NOT do it unless they have met a woman they believe they will spend the rest of their lives with.

This guy is saying all this because he does not believe he will spend the rest of his life with OP.

This. This makes sense. This is why he can't tell me how he feels because I will run if he says this to me. As I should.

July 25, 2016

This. This makes sense. This is why he can't tell me how he feels because I will run if he says this to me. As I should.

And ironically, he has asked you to be upfront with him if you plan to leave him in 6 months. He'd leave you in a heartbeat if you did that, but he expects you to stay and act happy indefinitely until he's ready to move on.

July 25, 2016

Marriage is hard, kids are hard. You want to be with the person who wants to jump in with you.

I think this sums it up well.

OP, I don't know whether your BF is hesitating due to his depression or due to changing his mind about marriage/kids, or whatever.

But the fly in the ointment of this idea that your "nagging" has caused all this is that he refuses to talk about it with you. Expressing one's feelings isn't just about talking at a person; it's about being heard. He refuses to listen, or discuss as equals. He won't listen when the subject comes up; instead, he shuts it down peremptorily. (And you also have emphasized several times that it's not your "nagging" that caused him to clam up - it's some third party who brought it up.) In other words, this topic is on his mind. He's just not willing to talk to you about it.

That's the only red flag you need, IMO. You want someone, as Kamille says, who will jump in with you. If there's a hard decision to be made, you want someone who won't shut down in conflict, but who will talk about it. That's what a partner does. Doesn't matter if you're married or not, have kids or not.

I think all signs point to him shutting down because he knows that what he wants to say isn't what you'll want to hear. He's avoiding the conflict for as long as he can. I'm sure he doesn't want you to leave him. But he doesn't want to improve the situation with you, either. And avoidance of the hard truths isn't what you want. It's eminently reasonable to want an honest conversation, in which he tells you exactly why he's not excited about marriage and kids any more so that you can make an informed decision about your own life. It's unreasonable to expect you to accept coldness and vagueness. There's been a lot of talk about you changing yourself to act like the kind of woman a man wants to marry. But he's not acting like the kind of man a woman wants to marry. Seems like that ought to matter, too.

The depression is a complicating factor here. It's not clear how much of this impasse is related to that. Is he in treatment/on medication for it?

July 25, 2016

This is the scariest part of all of this. I've tried to talk about it and ask what he means but all he says is that he doesn't really have feelings and he can't be this emotional guy I'm asking him to be because he's numb. I asked what we can do to fix this and he seems to think it's not a problem, it's just who he is.

Has he always been this way? From the beginning?

I mean if it is just who he is...then it stands to reason he would have been this way from the get go.

Or has he only started feeling this way recently say within the last few months, after y'all moved in together?

Something isn't jiving....

Edited July 25, 2016 by katiegrl

July 25, 2016

Has he always been this way? From the beginning?

I mean if it is who he is...then it stands to reason he would have been this way from the get go.

Or has he only started feeling this way recently say within the last few months, after y'all moved in together?

Something isn't jiving....

He's always been a little guarded but not shut down. We've lived together for 2.5 years now and I've felt loved and like we were progressing until lately. Even if he doesn't say it much, he showed it and I felt it. I know he's not good with words but he is with actions. Lately there's been neither and I need some words. I need him to let me in and when I tell him that he says there's nothing in there or he's "dead inside." I starting to think it's an excuse because it's uncomfortable for him to open up or he doesn't want to tell me how he's really feeling and doesn't want to lie to me either.

July 25, 2016

He's always been a little guarded but not shut down. We've lived together for 2.5 years now and I've felt loved and like we were progressing until lately. Even if he doesn't say it much, he showed it and I felt it. I know he's not good with words but he is with actions.

Lately there's been neither and I need some words. I need him to let me in and when I tell him that he says there's nothing in there or he's "dead inside." I starting to think it's an excuse because it's uncomfortable for him to open up or he doesn't want to tell me how he's really feeling and doesn't want to lie to me either.

He is telling you something very significant here.

He is no longer "feeling it" as they say... just going through the motions.

Not sure why you refuse to see it and face it....it is VERY obvious.

Either couples counseling or leave.

If it were me, I would leave. He is done... he has shut down and feels numb (towards you, towards the RL).

Not sure why he agreed to buy the house with you, that was just plain stupid IMO.

Sorry, but I don't see this ending well for you.

July 25, 2016

Overall the relationship is great. We definitely go out and have fun together. We just went on vacation to Mexico.

He seems happy most of the time. I do know he battles with depression sometimes.

Financially we're ok. We both have good jobs. Buying the home has made things a little tighter than they used to be which I think is a source of stress for us. We're adjusting though. Besides the house we don't have much to add to a prenup.

If he's battling depression to the point of being dead inside, how is it that he can have so much fun doing everything else and going to Mexico, and then feels dead inside when the topic of marriage and kids comes up? He might get the blahs once in a while, but he isn't battling depression.

He likes things just the way they are . . . open ended. Give it 6 months to see what if anything develops. Don't mention it again during this time. In the meantime, you keep living a life of YOUR own. In other words, you aren't married to him and so you don't have to be a WIFE. Don't do his laundry, etc. Just be the "girlfriend". Keep up with your portion of running the household, but don't go the extra, if you do now. I'm not saying this as a way of manipulating anything, it's about boundaries and keeping yourself focused on you a little more so that at the end of that 6 months and you do decide to leave, you will have kept a foundation in place for you to land on. Start putting away some money to prepare for moving out, etc.

July 25, 2016

I need him to let me in and when I tell him that he says there's nothing in there or he's "dead inside.

Is he the same sexually with you or has that died off too?

July 25, 2016

Is he the same sexually with you or has that died off too?

I am always the one to initiate now.

July 25, 2016

This is quite simple. He's told you he's dead inside: to you.

In my world there is only one thing to do. Without warning, or explaination, leave. You have badgered the man to death and rowed about it. There is no romance left in this now. You won't need to give him an explaination because he already knows why.

When you abruptly leave and go NC, one of 2 things will happen:

1. It will smack him in the face and he will pull his finger out and show you a ring pretty immediately.

2. He won't chase you at all because he has no interest in marrying you.

Either way you know what to do with the rest of your life.

(The concern with 1. Now is through because you have been hounding him for ages that he will do it because you have worn him down to a nub and he just does it. Then you will have a life of wondering if he wanted it or you just pressured him into it)

July 25, 2016

I am always the one to initiate now.

This coupled with everything else is not good, OP.

There are far bigger problems brewing in the relationship than a lack of a ring.

When did he stop initiating sex, and how often are you two intimate now?

July 25, 2016

This is quite simple. He's told you he's dead inside: to you.

In my world there is only one thing to do. Without warning, or explaination, leave. You have badgered the man to death and rowed about it. There is no romance left in this now. You won't need to give him an explaination because he already knows why.

When you abruptly leave and go NC, one of 2 things will happen:

1. It will smack him in the face and he will pull his finger out and show you a ring pretty immediately.

2. He won't chase you at all because he has no interest in marrying you.

Either way you know what to do with the rest of your life.

(The concern with 1. Now is through because you have been hounding him for ages that he will do it because you have worn him down to a nub and he just does it. Then you will have a life of wondering if he wanted it or you just pressured him into it)

I've been told not to leave because we own a home together. Either have him move out or we sell. I have a friend who went through a breakup with a house and because she left they sided with her ex. Not sure if this happens all the time but I don't want to screw myself either.

July 25, 2016

This coupled with everything else is not good, OP.

There are far bigger problems brewing in the relationship than a lack of a ring.

When did he stop initiating sex, and how often are you two intimate now?

We have sex once or twice a week. He's always up for it when I initiate but I ALWAYS have to initiate. When I first noticed it I thought it was because he's put on some weight. I tried to see how long it would take for him to initiate and I couldn't wait that long. Ya... I'm really seeing how checked out he is.

July 25, 2016

We have sex once or twice a week. He's always up for it when I initiate but I ALWAYS have to initiate. When I first noticed it I thought it was because he's put on some weight. I tried to see how long it would take for him to initiate and I couldn't wait that long. Ya... I'm really seeing how checked out he is.

If he were fighting depression, you'd see it in other areas of his life too. It wouldn't only show up in relation to you and the future of the relationship.

I have sympathy for you because I went through something very similar with my ex-boyfriend. It's really unpleasant and leaves you wondering where you've gone wrong.

It sounds to me like there is a much bigger disconnect between you two that is manifesting itself in the subject of a proposal.

July 25, 2016

SpringAngel....

Just as an FYI, my dad appeared to be very "depressed" too, starting happening about a year before he left my mom.

He was fine while out interacting with others, but as soon as he got home, he would become "depressed." Wouldn't talk, shut down.

Turns out he was very unhappy in his marriage with my mom and left within the year.

I am only telling you this because I think this is pretty common. Your bf is now locked into this house with you and may feel somewhat trapped.

Again I am so sorry, is there a friend you can stay with or family?

I think you BOTH need a break from each other right now. It might do you both good.

July 25, 2016

I've been told not to leave because we own a home together. Either have him move out or we sell. I have a friend who went through a breakup with a house and because she left they sided with her ex. Not sure if this happens all the time but I don't want to screw myself either.

You aren't married. What kind of deed do you have? If you are joint tenants in common there is no way for you to get screwed, as long as you pay your half of the mortgage. This is a one month exercise. You leave. Go stay with family or a friend for a month and do not contact him. If he contacts you, the only thing you want to hear from him is I want to marry you. If at the end of the month you don't have that, get a lawyer and he buys you out or force the sale. And move on to a man who will marry you.

Just for the sake of saying it, unless your locality recognises common law marriage, do not live with, buy a house with, have children with someone you are not married to. If you do it is a reckless thing to do with your and possibly some children's lives.

July 25, 2016

You aren't married. What kind of deed do you have? If you are joint tenants in common there is no way for you to get screwed, as long as you pay your half of the mortgage.

We have a bargain and sale deed. Joint borrowers on the loan. I asked a friend if I can stay with her for a couple weeks until I figure some stuff out and she said yes. My family is 4.5 hours away so I can't stay there and still work. I wish they weren't so far away!

July 25, 2016

I would not move out.

Tell him you have thought hard and made a decision. You are leaving the relationship. Ask him if he wants to buy you out or sell the house.

One of you moves in the guess room.

End of story.

Moving out is just injecting some unnecessary drama. He offered you to leave if you were not happy. He won't be surprised at all that you have decided to move on.

July 25, 2016

We have a bargain and sale deed. Joint borrowers on the loan. I asked a friend if I can stay with her for a couple weeks until I figure some stuff out and she said yes. My family is 4.5 hours away so I can't stay there and still work. I wish they weren't so far away!

Poor lass. I wish your family was near too. I cocked up my 30's and missed out on a family. If this guy won't give you your heart's desire he doesn't deserve you. There is a man who will.

July 25, 2016

I would not move out.

Tell him you have thought hard and made a decision. You are leaving the relationship. Ask him if he wants to buy you out or sell the house.

One of you moves in the guess room.

End of story.

Moving out is just injecting some unnecessary drama. He offered you to leave if you were not happy. He won't be surprised at all that you have decided to move on.

He has no opportunity to contemplate life without her if she's in the guest room. It's highly unlikely OP will want to remain in a house she bought with BF alone. She needs support from friends and relatives. Leaving her facing him day after day sleeping apart or worse, alone in the house she would live in as his wife is completely counter-intuitive in my view.

July 25, 2016

He has no opportunity to contemplate life without her if she's in the guest room. It's highly unlikely OP will want to remain in a house she bought with BF alone. She needs support from friends and relatives. Leaving her facing him day after day sleeping apart or worse, alone in the house she would live in as his wife is completely counter-intuitive in my view.

You are making a good point. If she is not legally disadvantaged by moving out and she emotionally needs it than she should.

July 25, 2016

He says he gave me the house and puppy and I'm not happy.

So he bought the house not to share his life with you, but to shut you up. Think about how well this bodes for your future with him. It's like when the natural gas company comes to the door, no thanks I don't want a contract, I'm happy with month to month in case a different company offers a better deal.

He's open to better deals, but you get to keep the puppy at least.

July 25, 2016

wrong thread

Edited July 25, 2016 by Itspointless

July 26, 2016

I have said before...

You need to have an open heart to heart conversation on what you want in this. Then if you don't agree you need to move out.

July 26, 2016

Being terrified of divorce is a cop out bull**** response from him.

94% of all domestic relationship payment (alimony & child support) dollars flow from men to women.

6% of all domestic relationship payment dollars flow from women to men.

(ETA: US figures)

It is easy to call it 'cop out bulls**t' when you (women) are holding the sweet end (rather than the dirty end) of the stick.

Edited July 26, 2016 by TXGuy

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