Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Methodical]

Jeff,

 

Keep doing what you are doing. There is no proof that your wife has cheated. Yes, her actions are suspicious. My red flag is up too. You have done a little investigative work (checked the credit cards and email acct. you have access to, etc.) and found nothing thus far. Don't put the cart before the horse. In the same vein, don't turn a blind eye. Do keep in mind that several known factors exist: PTSD, peri-menopause, and a history of sexual abuse . Some women lose their freaking mind, go into wild rages, turn into a form of devil, push loved ones away, etc. while going thru the change.

 

You can't ignore the history you have shared with your wife, and talking this thru can be cathartic. This isn't a "wake up, put one foot in front of the other and never look back" situation. Again, while an affair would explain why, to an extent it is irrelevant because the pain of rejection is just as real even if another person is not in this equation.

[Mr. Lucky]

Like I said I am not perfect, but I do know I treated my wife in the manner a woman you marry should be treated and respected, and for years she did the same for me.

 

Continue to be that person - from a distance. Follow your own code and beliefs, no downside there. Either she wakes up and understands what she's losing or you walk away head held high knowing you did what you could.

 

Even if she's changed, don't let the experience change you. That's how the bad guys win ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

When I read 'unknown' threads like yours I remind myself that this is a forum for a lot of infidelity. Members views are colored by their experiences (although they are usually correct & were in my case!).

 

 

If it's not infidelity then what? You haven't told us a lot about the things she's said. You must of discussed this a LOT!

 

You've told us that she says that she has no interest in sex. It happens! The 'other' affections stop because anything can be construed as 'foreplay' & then you're rejected. AGAIN!

 

How have you reacted over the last year with the constant rejection? Did you just stop thinking about it & stop instigating? What conversations have you had about it?

 

 

I can picture such a positive, strong, controlled woman experiencing depression that she can't just 'get over!'. A woman like that loosing complete control of her mind & BODY could be suffering terribly. Add hormones to everything that she's experienced in her life.....She's a woman. She's human. She can't always be perfect.

 

Living alone in a small apartment, not having to really interact with anyone could become more appealing than HOME because home is a constant reminder of what a failure you are as a wife.

 

Would you of happily stayed with her if you would never of had sex again?

 

 

I'm a hapless romantic. I'd really like to believe that this is one of those rare ones that can be fixed. A thread that isn't about betrayal.

[Jeff1690]

ShatteredLady,

The wife has always had a problem discussing personal feelings. We were close friends before we dated and she told me everything about her life. I found that when we talked about the relationship I seemed to be doing all the talking. I literally got I love you but not in love with, I feel like we have drifted apart and I don't think anyone can convince me we can grow back in love.

 

As far as the sex thing, a few years ago she said something about me pawing her all the time and she wasn't a piece of meat. So I backed off. Did I want to have sex with my wife, hell yeah! I not only love her I find her to be the most beautiful thing around and I want her. So I just started letting her decide when she wanted to have sex and that turned into her coming down to the man cave once a week every week.

 

SO in my mind I thought I was doing the right thing. Due to her sexual abuse history as a child I thought letting her be the one controlling her desires would give her something she did not have before, control.

 

Over the past year I am pretty sure I handled the rejection of intimacy wrong. Just didn't understand why all of a sudden walking up to her after work and wanting to kiss her ended. She quit holding my hand where she used to always do that.

 

So I changed tactics again and just flowed with it. Don't push her kind of thing. Let her feel she is in control. A few weeks ago in one of our few talks about this she said the last few months before she quit having sex with me she just did it so I wouldn't get flustered and mad. I never got mad I got frustrated. I only get to see her 3 and a half days a week and when she comes home I want her.

 

Would I have stayed with her if there is no more sex? Not really sure. I have a high sex drive and a bottle of lotion is not what turns me on. That being said I went through a 14 and 13 month deployment with her gone and never cheated. This past year I never cheated. Really one of the things I truly miss is the intimacy.

 

When I used to come home or she did she would run up to me wrap her arms around my neck bounce exactly 3 times and jump up and wrap her legs around my waist and I would walk around talking to her telling her about my day and she told me about hers. Sometimes it ended in sex sometimes just a big kiss and then we would eat supper.

 

Even with all the PTSD, sexual abuse history etc It is hard not to get the feeling she is giving it to someone else even though so far I have found no evidence, or just basically feeling rejection. I mean every time I try to kiss Her I either get a head turn and kiss her cheek or a quick peck. Hell I don't even feel LIke I remember how to actually french kiss a damn woman it has been so long.

Edited July 21, 2016 by Jeff1690

[standtall]

Keep digging.

[PegNosePete]

So did you file for divorce yet? It's pretty clear the marriage is over.

[Jeff1690]

So did you file for divorce yet? It's pretty clear the marriage is over.

 

We are doing what is called here a uncontested divorce. Still don't want it. Her offering to give me the money in the bank, the house. When I told her I couldn't afford the house ( I could but then half my pay would go to it) it will be paid off in 6 years (we have made double payments) she even offered to make the house payments for me. Not wanting the divorce and knowing what all she is going through with the PTSD, sexual abuse (as a child), and menopause I clearly can see she isn't making sane decisions.

 

She is hell bent on this so I have given up trying. We went to the bank this week and did the paper work for the house to be put in her name. I will get a large chunk of change and 8 acres of land out in the county that sits on a beautiful creek we own.

 

I fully intend to be debt free when this is over. I have told her I will not sign the final papers until my cabin is built, and I am not leaving the house. If she wants to come home after her 3.5 day work out of town each week fine. If she doesn't she can stay at the apartment down south.

 

I still don't want this. Still no proof of cheating yet. But after reading a ton of these post I am truly leaning that way. Of course after talking to a counselor friend of mine who deals with sex abuse victims he says many of her actions are text book for what she is doing.

 

**** is blowing my mind. So many great years. But, I can't make her do **** it is up to her. If she comes back after this is over there are going to be a lot of stipulations. Counseling for the PTSD and sexual abuse. Plus even if I don't find out now that she is cheating it will all come out in the long run. If it does come out after the divorce chances are as with most affair relationships it will end. Then I can see her looking back on what a great marriage we had and come back asking to give it another go. If that is the case she will get a polite middle finger and I will tell her to go find another guy to use.

[Marc878]

Go dark at this time. It will help you move on quicker. Read up on the 180.

 

IMO I would want to know. VAR in the car.

 

Sorry man

[S2B]

If the house is now only in her name - make sure the money is only in your name. Also make sure she gives you things she's agreeing to...as she could change her mind and not give you what she's agreed to...

 

Do it now - so you have assurance of her doing what she's promised.

 

Be careful - if the house is only in her name she could potentially have you removed - since she owns it.

 

Doing things based on her word isn't smart - as she also promised when she married you - and didn't keep her word.

 

 

I would have wished you didn't sign over the house to HER until AFTER your cabin was built!

 

Be smart! Stop agreeing with everything she wants!

 

Get ALL money in your name only! Close all her credit cards. Start separating all assets and all debts.

[Jeff1690]

Go dark at this time. It will help you move on quicker. Read up on the 180.

 

IMO I would want to know. VAR in the car.

 

Sorry man

 

Bad thing about the VAR in the car is that she is out of town for 31/2 days a week. Heck if she turned on the radio it would activate. How long do those things record for?

[Jeff1690]

If the house is now only in her name - make sure the money is only in your name. Also make sure she gives you things she's agreeing to...as she could change her mind and not give you what she's agreed to...

 

Do it now - so you have assurance of her doing what she's promised.

 

Be careful - if the house is only in her name she could potentially have you removed - since she owns it.

 

Doing things based on her word isn't smart - as she also promised when she married you - and didn't keep her word.

 

 

I would have wished you didn't sign over the house to HER until AFTER your cabin was built!

 

Be smart! Stop agreeing with everything she wants!

 

Get ALL money in your name only! Close all her credit cards. Start separating all assets and all debts.

 

S2B The debt will be in her name the uncontested divorce work states I receive the money. Have not signed it yet but this state it would be 50/50 split in assets even if it is in her name. Hell she could get half my retirement, but then I could get half of hers as well. I would come out on top in that incident. IF she played dirty I will be taking half her retirement which I know she does not want.

[Mr. Lucky]

Bad thing about the VAR in the car is that she is out of town for 31/2 days a week. Heck if she turned on the radio it would activate. How long do those things record for?

 

Don't think you'll have to wait that long or resort to those measures. In this day and age, relationships go public quickly. If a month from now she's suddenly "seeing someone", you can safely assume the connection predates your separation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

We went to the bank this week and did the paper work for the house to be put in her name.

WOAH WOAH... did you consult a lawyer before agreeing to this?

 

You should NEVER make any big decisions involving property or mortgages or savings without consulting a lawyer. There may be consequences you don't currently understand.

[Jeff1690]

WOAH WOAH... did you consult a lawyer before agreeing to this?

 

You should NEVER make any big decisions involving property or mortgages or savings without consulting a lawyer. There may be consequences you don't currently understand.

 

Like I said above common law state. WHatis mine is hers and hers mine. That is the only thing left blank on the paper work. I will not sign anything until the money is deposited in my account and the paper work says I keep the money and she gets the liability of the mortgage. She is wanting this quick but I have told her also I will sign nothing until the cabin is built. Also she doesn't know it but the land was in my name and I just sold it to my father for $1. So by not signing the paper work getting the cash and building the cabin she can be a bitch and say I won't money for the cabin and land...surprise she can't because even if I spent every dime on the cabin it is on his land and will be in his name. Talked to the lawyer and he laughed and said good move. I have a really fine firearms collection which I have also sold to my father. Probably $60K in firearms. I collect precious metals and have done the same with that as well.

[Marc878]

Bad thing about the VAR in the car is that she is out of town for 31/2 days a week. Heck if she turned on the radio it would activate. How long do those things record for?

 

You can buy the long lasting batteries. They last long enough for what you need.

 

Velcro it under the seat.

[Jeff1690]

Well I went and bought a voice recorder. But I guess it will not be used this week. The wife stayed at her apartment down south. I asked my sons if they had talked to their mother and if she was coming home yesterday. Both said all they have done is text with her and she said she had to much work to do this weekend.

 

Since last week the last time I talked to her was at the bank when we were doing the refi on the house to put all the debt in her name. We won't close and I won't get my buy out until mid August. So I can't begin the construction of my cabin till then.

 

I am proud of myself though. Despite being miserable and wishing my marriage would work out I have stuck to the No Contact thing. I have no evidence she is cheating but any down time I had I could only think well I am sure she is screwing her boy friends brains out. So I have kept busy.

 

Thursday I went to a cook out a friend invited me to and had a great time. Downside was everyone there were all husbands and wives. My buddy, his wife and one other guy know what I am going through. Everyone else was like "Hey where's the wife is she coming?" I just told them she had to stay down south and work on a project.

 

Friday I hopped on the Harley and did a road trip to Nashville with a buddy. Downside he had his wife with him. The whole way there and back she is massaging his shoulders, kissing him on the cheek. Walking around when we got there she is all over him just like my wife used to do up until last year.

 

Today I got up early and did my kettle bell workout. Then I headed to my land and spent 8 hours clearing out brush along the creek banks. Looks pretty damn awesome now. It will be really nice to sit out on the deck after I build the cabin and listen and watch the water flow by.

 

When I got home took a shower and went to another friends cook out. Again I was the only one there not with a wife. That really sucked.

 

This no contact is rough but I realize that if she wanted me she would have made an effort to come home and see me. I know now her mind is made up. Now I have to prep myself to being alone for a bit. ONce this divorce is final I don't want to jump into a relationship.

 

I really wish we could close on the refi faster so I could start building the cabin and keep busy. It sucks coming home to the house we built where I thought we would grow old together. I look around outside at the apple and peach orchard I planted, the grapevines, the barn I built with the help of her and my sons and realize it won't be mine much longer.

[Marc878]

It sucks but if you can do a hard 180 you'll get there faster. Sounds like she's divorcing you and the kids.

 

Definitely someone in the mix. Things like this don't just happen out of the blue.

 

If you have funds and really wanted to know a PI might be faster but would you really want that back now?

[Kwacker39]

I've just read through all of your posts ( I haven't been on here for a month or so ) . I am currently going through virtually exactly the same process , married 21 years , 2 kids , wife says she loves me but is no longer "in" love with me bull**** . She said I have been the perfect husband .

All of that bollocks is to make themselves feel better about what they are doing to us - my wife is having an affair , it only came out when she was spotted kissing OM in public and was told if she didn't tell me then they would !

It seems to me my friend that your wife is going down that route - it's unbelievably painful and impossible to understand , my d day was mid May and I'm still struggling every day .

You are doing the right thing by trying to keep busy ( I know how you feel with other loving couples being around you - it sucks ) .

How old are your kids , are they coping with all of this ? It's very tough on them too .

Finally , you seem like a stand up , honest kind of guy ( I feel I'm the same ) - I wish you luck and strength for your future .

[Jeff1690]

I've just read through all of your posts ( I haven't been on here for a month or so ) . I am currently going through virtually exactly the same process , married 21 years , 2 kids , wife says she loves me but is no longer "in" love with me bull**** . She said I have been the perfect husband .

All of that bollocks is to make themselves feel better about what they are doing to us - my wife is having an affair , it only came out when she was spotted kissing OM in public and was told if she didn't tell me then they would !

It seems to me my friend that your wife is going down that route - it's unbelievably painful and impossible to understand , my d day was mid May and I'm still struggling every day .

You are doing the right thing by trying to keep busy ( I know how you feel with other loving couples being around you - it sucks ) .

How old are your kids , are they coping with all of this ? It's very tough on them too .

Finally , you seem like a stand up , honest kind of guy ( I feel I'm the same ) - I wish you luck and strength for your future .

 

The kids are not kids anymore 22 and 20. Both go to college and work full time. They both moved back home about 6 months ago as paying for apartment, having bills etc. while going to school was a pain in the butt for them since they were always broke and interfered with school. At my wife's suggestion both have moved back still work and go to school full time.

 

Both sons said they saw this coming and noticed how detached she has become. They said they could see something was wrong with me every time the wife left town to go to work. I guess no intimacy and constant rejection of sex showed more than I knew.

 

They were told by the two of us about the divorce. The youngest took it the hardest and I believe is truly angry. He flat out told her after her speech about how she loved me but not in love, how she thought I had always been a great husband and friend,

 

(his words) "That is bull**** (stopped myself from popping him for cursing at his mother). Every woman talks about wanting a husband who is a great husband, father and friend. You have all that and won't even talk to dad. I have heard you two talking. Dad talks and you just say you love him but not in love and don't think going to MC would do a thing, you just want to be alone." He then said "Don't worry mom I love you but what does it really matter. You will be at work and away like always and dad will be here for us but just living in a different house."

 

The oldest just looked at her and said "I love you mom, but it doesn't take a genius to see you have quit the marriage."

 

Both boys have spent time with their mother when she comes home. Both have been really supportive to me. My youngest looked me in the face and told me to suck it up, move on and start a new chapter in life. He said the blessing in this is that I could travel like I always wanted to do with my wife who was always too busy to want to do it. 3 trips to Ireland, 1 to New Zealand, 1 to Australia canceled because my wife said she had to prepare for upcoming ops. Of course she would talk to me about how busy she was because other people in her unit were on leave.

 

He also has been trying to set me up with his smoking hot 32 year old manager who just had her fiance cheat on her and dump her. Said she always liked me, and likes older guys (fiance a year younger than me). I just laughed at that and told him I wasn't ready. He laughed back and said get ready because when the D is finalized you will take her out, she is a great lady.

[Lois_Griffin]

Even with all the PTSD, sexual abuse history etc It is hard not to get the feeling she is giving it to someone else even though so far I have found no evidence, or just basically feeling rejection. I mean every time I try to kiss Her I either get a head turn and kiss her cheek or a quick peck. Hell I don't even feel LIke I remember how to actually french kiss a damn woman it has been so long.

I've always said that once a woman is done, she's DONE.

 

You're doing what a lot of BSs do - scraping for SOME kind of reason for why she's doing what she's doing. Just being realistic here, but if your marriage has always been pretty darned good (except for one bad year) then it's a bit of a stretch trying to ascribe your current breakup to all her childhood issues.

 

I think the sad truth is that she had too much time by herself in her other place and created her own life there, which obviously included becoming involved with someone romantically. I can't decide if her eagerness to 'pay you off' with all her offers to pay for things is from guilt, or simply from a desire to get this divorce over and done with as quickly and peacefully as possible so she can get on with her new life.

 

I'm kind of thinking it's the latter.

[Jeff1690]

Yeah Lois I think you hit the nail on the head with her wanting to get this done and get on with her other life. When she asked 4 years ago about taking this promotion I told her one of my biggest fears was us growing apart and her having two different lives. At the time up until I got a promotion a year and a half ago we had the same work and off days. So it wasn't so bad because I work nights and would be asleep or at work if she was here anyway. We had half the week apart and half together and we did things together on our off days.

That slowly changed and now I realize she has created her own little world down there. I really kick my self in the ass for not pressing her to not take the promotion but I was so proud of her and could tell she was proud for climbing so high up the ladder.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really kick my self in the ass for not pressing her to not take the promotion but I was so proud of her and could tell she was proud for climbing so high up the ladder.

 

Jeff1690, you're not responsible for her bad choices. And if she were going to stray, were it not this situation would have been another..

 

You were as separated from her as she from you. Did you cheat and/or bail on the marriage ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jeff1690]

Mr Lucky I never did stray. Did I window shop? Yep what man doesn't look at a pretty woman and say that is nice. I have a smart beautiful wife. I love my wife and family and there has never been a piece of ass worth destroying someone you love and your family and everything you have built. Throw in the fact that for the first half of our marriage we had sex 4-5 times a week. As the kids got older and got more into things and we were required to take them everywhere it dropped to once a week sometimes twice.

 

Listening to friends who have not even been married half the time I have always complained about only having sex once or twice or month sometimes once every three months or so. I felt blessed to have a wonderful sex life and I am not just talking about me getting on her and doing my thing and rolling over and going to sleep. Up until last year we had really great sex.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Jeff1690

[Jeff1690]

Little long but I want to give details for best opinions.

Okay really confused here. Saturday the wife called around 10pm. I did not answer as per NC I learned here. I listened to her message and it was about our sons' college tuition. So I called her back. She wants to know about how much we made for last year. Now we both are salaried in our jobs and she damn well knows how much we both make.

 

So I just said unless you have got a pay raise the same thing we have made the past two years.She says she needs to know what the W-2's say. Well she knows the lady at the bank has the last two years tax records for the refi of the house. (She is buying me out for those who haven't read my original post.) So I tell her why doesn't she email or call the lady or go by her office. She says she is down south at her apartment. (I knew this because my son said she told him she wasn't coming home this weekend.) I tell her I am busy with contractors for building my cabin, but I would try and that her best bet was just to shoot her an email. I then said if there is nothing else I needed to go. She said by and I hung up.

 

Now this afternoon (monday) I am sitting here actually reading some threads here and decided I need to get my butt up and go do something so I decided to go to Lowe's to look at building materials for my cabin. I hear the door open upstairs (I am in man room in basement). Both sons are on camping trip. I get my pistol and open the door to see my wife walking down the stairs with a legal sized envelope. I start thinking oh **** she is about to make things difficult and instead of doing uncontested divorce she is gonna hammer me.

 

I put the pistol up (no she didn't see it for those of you concerned) and said what are you doing here. She said do I need a reason. I replied well we talked Saturday and you were down south and you go back to work tomorrow. Is everything okay it is a three hour drive.

 

She says she has paper work for the refi I need to look at. Well She tries to come in the man room but I close the door and tell her lets go upstairs to the kitchen. She says are you hiding something and I said no lets just go upstairs there is more room plus I was just leaving to meet some friends. As she turns to go up I go back into the room and grab the recorder.

 

Okay the paper work was stuff requiring her signature. It didn't require a thing from me. She finishes and says would you mind dropping this off tomorrow? I looked at my watch and said the bank is still open can't you. She then says never mind I will scan and email it to her tomorrow when I get to work.

 

Well we made a little small talk very polite and I say well I am gonna be late. So I go to leave and see she is parked behind me. I turned to go back in and she is coming out with the keys to move her Jeep. Once she does I get in the truck and have the sudden realization I left my computer on and this webpage up. So I bolt back in run downstairs change my password again (done this several times just in case she tries to get on it).

 

When I come back upstairs she says I hear you went to Nashville this weekend. I replied yep had an awesome time. She then says I hear there is a whore house up there. Now I know my wife and her moods. She said this in a kidding manner I know well. I laughed and said I wish I had heard about it and we both laughed.

 

Well she then says she is leaving to to head back down south. Now the entire drive she was behind me. I picked up my phone and acted like I was on it the minute I pulled out of the driveway. At every stop sign I made sure to act like I was laughing and having a great conversation. I could tell she was trying to see my face through the rearview mirror.

 

I then went my own way. I also realized she had taken some mail with her and I had some insurance stuff in there from my surgery. So I called her and told her I needed it. We met at a department store she had stopped at to shop.

 

I got the paper work and said good bye. As I was pulling out she flags me down "remind me" one more time that she would get the bank paper work taken care of. Now she opened my passenger door when I stopped and I could see her scanning the interior of the truck. Her eyes locked on a letter from a former employee of mine that is going through law school and the return address says state bar assoc. on it. All it was was a character reference form for her. I said a letter. She grabs it and pulls the form out. Then she realizes what it is and says oh another one of your girls going to law school. (I have had five of my female employees become lawyers, can't keep good help they keep bettering themselves lol).

 

Anyway She starts to walk away and stops as I begin to move and I motion her to go on across. As she does and I am passing she says I know you just want that $500,000 life insurance policy and laughs. my window way down. I laughed and said no I don't need it but you need to get that changed and put it in the boy's name but don't tell them you might not live long (laughed she laughed).

 

I told her be careful driving back home and drove off. Now I said that last bit because every time for the past four years when she was at her apartment and working down south I would tell her be careful going home and she would get pissy and say my home is not there it is with you that is a place I stay when I work.

 

Now I know that was long winded but I am totally confused as to why she would drive three hours home and show me this paper work I didn't need to sign and then drive back three hours. Anyone have any thoughts if you made it this far.

[DKT3]

Checking in on you