Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Marc878]

Not sure anyone mentioned but if the OM is married and they usually are his wife should be informed.

[Jeff1690]

Okay here is the SITREP for the past two days. She was supposed to show Saturday and never did. She showed up yesterday around 10am.

 

We were cordial and even laughed a little. We got a lot done. Sometimes she would be a bit snippy when I would say something and pop off with a "What is that supposed to mean?" It was if she was waiting for me to pounce on her about her affair. But I never said one word about it.

 

About 2 she brought up the divorce paper work. I told her that we had a verbal agreement about not doing anything until we got the refi etc. basically everything I said in another post. She says she is no rush for this and that she would never kick me out if the divorce went through before I got the cabin built. She says she knows I don't trust her (no ****!). Then says something along the lines of how do I think she feels refi the house and putting the debt in her name.

 

My reply was I didn't ask for this you did. I have to start over and I am 7 weeks into realizing my life has changed and she had already checked out of the marriage over a year ago. I am having to get my stuff in order fast and having to deal with the fact that I have been deceived and betrayed. I then told her not to worry I probably want the divorce more than she does. I also said I wasn't signing anything till my lawyer looked at the uncontested paper work.

 

She then says when have I ever betrayed you and don't bring up the 3 phone calls to OM (apparently she hasn't gone back and looked at the phone records herself) and thinks that is all I know about. I then told her to just drop it because our marriage was dead and buried and I was moving on in life. This was not an argument no yelling just a conversation. I recorded all our conversations.

 

At the end of the day my 20 year old comes home and says he is going to stay at his girlfriend's. I tell him his mom is about to leave and go tell her goodbye. After he leaves she comes downstairs and asks what is wrong with him. I tell her he is arguing with the girlfriend and she asks what else. So I tell her he is upset about the divorce.

 

She says I should have never said anything about how bad this was going to hurt me financially in front of our sons. I so wanted to say "Why so our sons would think everything is all peachy in my life and one of them knows you have cheated?" She then kind of insinuates I am trying to drive a wedge between her and the youngest.

 

Well that got to me pretty bad. I have told him to forgive his mother and repair the relationship (always been rocky with those two). So I take a breath and told her I told her two weeks ago to keep an eye on him and spend time with and call him when out of town and I have told him to do the same so they could grow closer. I then told her she knew I would never do that and she just turned her head and looked down. She then left.

 

This morning (Sunday) got up at 730 because she was supposed to show up at 8. Did my work out and ate breakfast. She showed around 930. While cleaning the bedroom I find a receipt on the floor by the bed. Her pure is sideways on the edge. I pick it up and it is a receipt for a party of two in Ft. Walton Beach and another receipt for Publix in Destin, Fl.

 

I took a picture of both and put them back in her purse so she would not think I went in her purse, which I didn't. The date was for this past Friday. I also noticed the last for digits were from her debit card. The other receipt was her credit card on Thursday.

 

Now this got me pissed because this is our joint account and up to this point there has been no missing money or funds. So I pull up the account. Sure enough there is a Debit to the cafe and low and behold one for a hotel room for two nights. I guess she got sloppy and screwed up.

 

While she was in the basement cleaning I checked her jeep out. Large suitcase only women clothes no pictures etc. also her tampons (nice to know she was on her period at the beach with an unknown. Also sand in the back. I also noticed a bunch of new clothes with receipts form her credit card not the joint account. One of the reasons I think she got sloppy and fell into habit of using debit card.

 

She has now left to go back down south. Now I really don't care anymore about her affair I am done with her. But I am thinking about pissing in her pool a bit. I have told her several times over the past few months I have been getting calls from blocked numbers telling me what she is doing. One of them is a lesbian. Looking at the phone records while she was at the beach she was still texting the lesbian friend back down south so she wasn't there.

 

So I am thinking about sending her a text later tomorrow and politely ask her to sit down with her friends and ask them to quit telling me about how ****ty I am and how much better off she is with OM. I am then going to tell her I got a call from a lesbian sounding chick (girl has that butch sounding voice very distinctive) telling me that my wife had such a great time without me at the beach and make up a few other disparaging remarks. I will then tell her that this is the same woman who has been really calling me a lot the last three months and is different than the other two. Told a male and female have been telling me things.

 

Now this lesbian sound female has only come into the picture the past three months according to phone records. When I called her phone with a burner to see if she is male or female she called back once and it comes back to a nickname. So I am going to tell the wife this is the same sounding woman that once called me from a phone that comes back to that nickname.

 

I want to confront the wife about the charges on the debit card don't care about her credit card. I also want to poison the well with the lesbian woman just a bit because the wife will recognize the nickname if I tell her and the girl will deny ever calling. I also want to keep her thinking two others are out there telling me stuff and trying to belittle me and take her side in things which will piss her off that folks her are close are running their mouths.

 

Let me say this about the lesbians phone number when you do the look up on computer it comes back to her. But when she calls it gives the nickname. Not sure how that works not a guru on that stuff but that is what it does.

 

So should I piss in her pond or just ask her why she is using our joint account for beach trips. It was only $300 total but that is $300 of our money.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Jeff1690

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, As much as I'd love to do this were it me....you have a lot to lose in the refi etc.....

 

That said, if you do this, get all the agreements down so she can't back out once she's fully salted....

 

I'd give a month's salary to be a fly on the wall to watch her face....I'd also let her know why her son is pissed, she needs some accountability in the sh*t storm she has caused.

[Mystery2Me]

Greetings Jeff! My sincere apologies that you are dealing with the brunt of this storm, but be careful because she is ahead of you and may not know what she may do.

 

May I give you some advice from your soon to be future.....other than informing your lawyer of the latest findings, please do not tip your hand to your self-absorbed wife. Mostly likely the tidbits are just smoke....let the lawyer via the legal power of discovery locate the potential fire.

 

If you really want to piss in her pool, then leave her exactly where she's placed herself....in the nasty low-down front row seat...watching Jeff build his smashing new and authentic life before her very eyes. Now....that is a hard show for her to watch. So don't let her steal your stage...this is the Jeff-Show in brilliant high-definition. :-)))))))

 

I know the stench and sting of her lies are directed at you....but please know that is because on her own she can not maintain the fantasy world she has created. So she is intentionally leaving these clues to draw you in to substantiate her "false" worth.

 

WW knows her time is up she has vacated her basic sense of humanity and her warped mind is desperate to have you challenge the affair so she can blame it on you.

 

I mean really her desperation is so pathetic that she dropping massive breadcrumbs to bait you in to giving a flip. Logic (I know there is never any in these scenarios), but if you close one-eye and pretend her new life was is great....why go to these lengths (a.k.a getting sloppy with accounts) not protect it...but rather leave the stank evidence barely concealed just for you.

 

When you find yourself with these natural emotions continue to vent here....and save the final smack down reveal from the comfort of the new cabin....that you knew of her shady antics the entire time....BUT compared to building your new life it wasn't even worth mentioning.

 

Take the very best care of yourself and let no one steal your peace.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Mystery2Me

[kgcolonel]

Greetings Jeff! My sincere apologies that you are dealing with the brunt of this storm, but be careful because she is ahead of you and may not know what she may do.

 

May I give you some advice from your soon to be future.....other than informing your lawyer of the latest findings, please do not tip your hand to your self-absorbed wife. Mostly likely the tidbits are just smoke....let the lawyer via the legal power of discovery locate the potential fire.

 

If you really want to piss in her pool, then leave her exactly where she's placed herself....in the nasty low-down front row seat...watching Jeff build his smashing new and authentic life before her very eyes. Now....that is a hard show for her to watch. So don't let her steal your stage...this is the Jeff-Show in brilliant high-definition. :-)))))))

 

I know the stench and sting of her lies are directed at you....but please know that is because on her own she can not maintain the fantasy world she has created. So she is intentionally leaving these clues to draw you in to substantiate her "false" worth.

 

WW knows her time is up she has vacated her basic sense of humanity and her warped mind is desperate to have you challenge the affair so she can blame it on you.

 

I mean really her desperation is so pathetic that she dropping massive breadcrumbs to bait you in to giving a flip. Logic (I know there is never any in these scenarios), but if you close one-eye and pretend her new life was is great....why go to these lengths (a.k.a getting sloppy with accounts) not protect it...but rather leave the stank evidence barely concealed just for you.

 

When you find yourself with these natural emotions continue to vent here....and save the final smack down reveal from the comfort of the new cabin....that you knew of her shady antics the entire time....BUT compared to building your new life it wasn't even worth mentioning.

 

Take the very best care of yourself and let no one steal your peace.

 

Mystery is right here Jeff....as much as the salted wound would provide you some immediate gratitude, the risk is far too great. I too, after thinking about it, believe that the receipt on the floor was too coincidental. She probably put it there again, to bait you.....

 

I once heard the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference....show her indifference when you'd like to lash out at her, this will indeed drive her crazy and also return your power and she no longer can stimulate your emotions the way she is trying. YOU know what she is doing and your son knows...is it so important that she gets to see your reaction?

 

Good post Mystery!!

[Jeff1690]

Not to sure this was intentional. The receipts were on the floor but her purse looked like she has done before when her phone rang and grabbed it out and just did not notice. There was a bunch of stuff scattered out on the floor and bed because we were clearing out unwanted clutter.

 

Also she received a call earlier in the day went to the room and grabbed her phone and walked down the driveway as she talked.

 

I do think I need to confront her about the charges to our shared account. Should I just say hey I was checking the account and saw this WTF? In the past I rarely ever checked the account and always had to ask her for the PW.

 

Today I also met my nephew at our bank and helped him open a new account. While there I also got a print out for the past three months of the account. Our account shows last login. So to monitor her spending habits to see if she is doing crap with our money I go by the bank and get a print out.

 

So I really don't want her to know I have monitored it. I want her to think I am still in my old habit of letting her handle it. One of the things I want to say in the text is I don't care if you went to the beach as long as you used your credit cards. Do I have to ask you for the password to make sure you didn't use our money. Make her think she is still in control and at the same time maybe she will say yeah I went to the beach but just used my credit cards.

[Marc878]

We were cordial and even laughed a little. We got a lot done. Sometimes she would be a bit snippy when I would say something and pop off with a "What is that supposed to mean?" It was if she was waiting for me to pounce on her about her affair. But I never said one word about it.

 

This says "I'm ok with what you've done and want to be friends".

 

Be civil nothing more. She's a cheating, lying, hypocrite. Keep your talk to business only.

 

IMO if I wanted to get my point across I'd email her the phone bill and say nothing.

 

Words to her are meaningless. She dumped you for another man.

[Jeff1690]

Just so you guys know I don't give a ****. I am done with her and am moving on. But using our money is bull****, especially after her saying lets watch our spending we got a lot to do and purchase before and after divorce. After every workout I do every pound I gained after my surgeries earlier this year the better I feel about myself. I am enjoying my friends. Yeah there are some big down moments but I am moving forward. Really loved the way she looked me over when I took my shirt off when walking to the shower I know she could tell I am regaining my physic.

[Jeff1690]

This says "I'm ok with what you've done and want to be friends".

 

Be civil nothing more. She's a cheating, lying, hypocrite. Keep your talk to business only.

 

IMO if I wanted to get my point across I'd email her the phone bill and say nothing.

 

Words to her are meaningless. She dumped you for another man.

 

Saving the phone bill my concern is the money spent from joint account.

[Marc878]

Saving the phone bill my concern is the money spent from joint account.

 

Cancel the joint cards.

[Marc878]

Just so you guys know I don't give a ****. I am done with her and am moving on. But using our money is bull****, especially after her saying lets watch our spending we got a lot to do and purchase before and after divorce. After every workout I do every pound I gained after my surgeries earlier this year the better I feel about myself. I am enjoying my friends. Yeah there are some big down moments but I am moving forward. Really loved the way she looked me over when I took my shirt off when walking to the shower I know she could tell I am regaining my physic.

 

Your goal is to get to the point where you don't care what she thinks.

[Marc878]

Separate your finances. Take half and move to your account.

[Mystery2Me]

Just so you guys know I don't give a ****. I am done with her and am moving on. But using our money is bull****, especially after her saying lets watch our spending we got a lot to do and purchase before and after divorce. After every workout I do every pound I gained after my surgeries earlier this year the better I feel about myself. I am enjoying my friends. Yeah there are some big down moments but I am moving forward. Really loved the way she looked me over when I took my shirt off when walking to the shower I know she could tell I am regaining my physic.

 

Jeff I absolutely know you are done! However her becoming done was a process that she went to greater efforts to hid from you until recently:sick: (trust that she is leaving bait for you)...your being done too is a process. This process has to play out for all of us.

 

Mum is the word just for now..(let the lawyer work for you)...so you can secure yourself. When you are free and clear then by all means take out a full page ad if you like, climb Everest, go on late nite TV....and Spill the Beans.

 

This is the struggle you are facing now logically you are done, but the human side wants to get a bit of your own back....completely normal (a.k.a. letting her see the physic...letting her know you know about the woman, beach trip, etc).

 

The rub is she is not normal and your logical response of pointing out her smelly B#@*S&*#...she will only see this as unwarranted/undeserved abuse of her right to be happy at the price of your sanity.

 

Also legally she has access the to joint account...so it's only if she messes up (eg. leaves a trial) that you can recoup the funds. If you let her know you saw the receipts or bank statements then she can just use cash making for a more lengthy and expensive discovery process.

 

So your safe harbor is tell the lawyer everything so you can close these joint accounts equitably and quickly. You are doing brilliantly in these difficult early days.

Edited August 2, 2016 by Mystery2Me

[DKT3]

Your goal is to get to the point where you don't care what she thinks.

 

After so long it's hard, truth is he will likely always cares what she thinks on some level....she will be around the rest of his life, weddings, birth of grandchildren and their activities.

[DKT3]

What will be funny is her reaction when Jeff starts cuddling up with some hottie 10 years younger

[ladydesigner]

What will be funny is her reaction when Jeff starts cuddling up with some hottie 10 years younger

 

Karmic Justice!!!

[turnera]

Don't mean to hijack ... But how often does this senario above happen with affair relationships?

 

Well, I've been giving advice for about 20 years now, so that's probably at least 10,000 affairs I've watched live out on the forums. And if I were to add up the cheaters who've ended up with their AP ten years later, I'd say I could think of about 25.

 

So...25 out of 10,000...you do the math.

 

Also, there's a few different kinds of cheaters. There are the men who just believe it's their right to screw as many women as will let them. There are the men and women who are seeking 'closeness'; these usually start out as emotional affairs. Those are the ones most likely to stay together. There are the ones who just don't do the work and become roommates and when someone pays attention to them, the PEA chemicals start flowing and voila! Then there are the ones where one person treats the other one badly, and the one who's unhappy about such a sucky marriage meets someone who finally notices them and praises them, and the AP becomes irresistible.

 

MOST people who cheat aren't monsters, they're just human, weak, have issues, and are susceptible to the 'high' they feel once they start cheating. There's a reason we call cheaters addicts. They follow all the same symptoms.

[Jeff1690]

Well just found out the wife has been spending money down south on furniture and home decor stuff, around $2000. So I confronted her about it. Also mentioned the Florida trip with OM.

She has just deposited $2400 back into our account. When I asked her about the charges she just avoided the question and diverted to I wasn't trying to hide anything. My response was yeah you just took a trip to Florida never mentioned it to me and amazingly didn't even tell your sons where you were. In fact they thought you were still at work. She just let out a little sob and said she had to go and hung up.

[PegNosePete]

Hasn't your lawyer put a freeze on the joint account, to prevent her dissipating marital assets? If not, why not??

[Mr. Lucky]

My response was yeah you just took a trip to Florida never mentioned it to me and amazingly didn't even tell your sons where you were. In fact they thought you were still at work. She just let out a little sob and said she had to go and hung up.

 

Jeff, going to have to reorient your POV. When you're separated, she's not responsible for updating you on her whereabouts. And you shouldn't care ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Well just found out the wife has been spending money down south on furniture and home decor stuff, around $2000. So I confronted her about it. Also mentioned the Florida trip with OM.

She has just deposited $2400 back into our account. When I asked her about the charges she just avoided the question and diverted to I wasn't trying to hide anything. My response was yeah you just took a trip to Florida never mentioned it to me and amazingly didn't even tell your sons where you were. In fact they thought you were still at work. She just let out a little sob and said she had to go and hung up.

 

Following the cheater script to the letter. Separate finances and cancel all joint cards now. Actions speak louder than words.

 

She thought she was clever and the truth wouldn't come out.

[Marc878]

Jeff, going to have to reorient your POV. When you're separated, she's not responsible for updating you on her whereabouts. And you shouldn't care ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If Shes spending joint funds on OM I'd care.

[Marc878]

Wait till she finds out everyone knows and when it started.

 

The news will filter out from your family pretty soon I'd suspect.

 

As far as your boys are concerned when she brings it up I would say it's your mess you clean it up but I will not lie for you to my kids.

Edited August 3, 2016 by Marc878

[Jeff1690]

Here is the money problem I have. She makes 3 times my salary. Until I get my buy out and payoff what few debts I have (that she wa supposed to have paid off, been paying extra not off) I am going to be screwed. It will take half a months salary to cover what she has not paid off. Since I don't have my payoff yet she is still paying all the bills basically leaving us with around $5K a month in joint account. I need this to continue to happen until I can get my payout and payoff those bills and build my cabin.

 

Looked at the bank records for the past two years the extra cash didn't change until December 2015 when she bough new furniture for the apartment and didn't tell me. and had been making payments on it. I called the place down south today and said I think some fraud had occurred and he sent me her picture, apartment address and exactly what she bought. OM entered picture in around Feb. if I remember correctly from the 6,000 minutes of phone calls and texts for five months or so.

 

SHe texted me at 500 am and said she was sorry and put the money back that she was going to buy some stuff with for the apartment. Checking the phone records tonight I see OM her lesbian friend texted her around 9. She replied to both and she has received over 20 texts up this point from them and has not responded. Our sons even called me and asked why mom wasn't answering her phones. They called her work and she would call later she wasn't feeling well. Youngest called and said he called her and got no answer a few minutes ago.

 

Basically I sent her a very polite text (after being mad as hell today all day) and said we really need to sit down and talk in a couple of weeks when she comes back from Washington. No fighting no bickering, just get everything in the open. Basically from my other texts Bad Cop, now good cop. She now knows I know about all her credit card and our joint card expenditures. I didn't want to let on I knew about all the joint card spending but I had to at least get a handle on it and try to put a stop to it.

 

I wonder if the guilt is getting to her. Hope so. Mr. Lucky as far as knowing her whereabouts at this point I don't care. But, like I told her if she was going to use our money I had a right to know and didn't care who she went with. Told her she should have used her own credit card.

 

May just have to leave all her spending forms where the sons kind find it while I am not here. Let her explain that. Just like she said yesterday I should have not said anything about how bad this was going to screw me financially so close to retirement in front of our son. She wants her kids to think mom and dad just did this because mom doesn't love dad anymore, not that she cheated and is screwing me over money wise. The youngest knows and if the oldest finds out she is going to find herself a very lonely mother for quite sometime.

 

We shall see. I am over my anger fit. But will talk to her civilly again if she sits down when she comes back and tells the truth. If not I will tell her I don't want to hear the lies and call me when she is ready and leave.

[Marc878]

She's been in fantasy land and never thought of the fallout.