Vacations over

[ShatteredLady]

We went to a friends lake house. It was beautiful. I have a degenerative spine so climbing in & out of the water became excruitiating agony but to be honest it was worth it!

 

My little boy swam all the way to the end of the dock & back again!! He was so very proud of himself. My baby daughter learnt that she could pull the water weeds with her toes. Ugh!! Slimiest fun for her though. I'll never forget the gleeful little look on her face. It was wonderful!

 

Getting them settled that night was so hard. After such a long drive followed by a long day my pain was off the charts. Hobbling up & down the narrow staircase was like climbing Everest after the first time & I didn't think I had the strength to make it the 5th time but I did!

 

We snuggled together in the inflatable bed. The kids made-up their own bedtime stories about wonderful little imaginary creatures that lived in the lake. We fell asleep all bundled together like "baby kittens with their Mama" as my baby called us.

 

They're only little for such a short time. Oh you should cherish every moment! Mine are still very young but I'm already shocked by how time flies.

 

Of course my husband didn't really see or hear any of this because he spent the day sitting by the house texting on his phone. I don't think he noticed the agony I was in going up & down the stairs. He sat on the sofa, drinking beer, talking to his friend who owns the house...of course his friend put a movie on because it was frustrating trying to talk to someone who kept checking his phone.

 

I don't think that we will be invited back. Shame. Me & the kids had a lovely time.

[msoptimistic]

Well, its Tuesday...3 days of NC but I'm not sure it counts under the circumstances of vacation. Stayed busy and consciously try to not think about him but he sneaks in there pretty often. Kind of surreal that things happened the way they have. I admit to unblocking FB to check for happy couple vacay pics but none yet. Felt guilty and reblocked! She posts a couple of pics every year so I know they will appear...not even sure why I looked?

 

I went to a bookstore today and bought one of those "eating healthier" books (doctor recommended for a diabetic friend) and thought I'd get healthy physically while working on emotionally!

 

Got me a walking buddy! Exercise has always helped me feel better and I hope kicking it up a notch will help with this as well.

 

Lots of random thoughts when he pops in my mind...will I be stong if he ever were to contact? He will never tell her and she is soooo young and unaware of whats going on. I know - not my circus, not my monkeys, but even though I was betraying her in the worst imaginable way, I do feel sorry for her. HOWEVER, if she was listening to the conversation Saturday and does know but does nothing about it then she may be playing her own cards and smarter than I think! Yep, not my business...

 

Been a long couple of days and bound to get longer before they get better! And random thoughts all over the place as I'm sure is obvious! Even when you do everything "right", the hurt is still unbelievable...manageable at best. One foot in front of the other....

[HeCantBreakMe]

Well, its Tuesday...3 days of NC but I'm not sure it counts under the circumstances of vacation. Stayed busy and consciously try to not think about him but he sneaks in there pretty often. Kind of surreal that things happened the way they have. I admit to unblocking FB to check for happy couple vacay pics but none yet. Felt guilty and reblocked! She posts a couple of pics every year so I know they will appear...not even sure why I looked?

 

I went to a bookstore today and bought one of those "eating healthier" books (doctor recommended for a diabetic friend) and thought I'd get healthy physically while working on emotionally!

 

Got me a walking buddy! Exercise has always helped me feel better and I hope kicking it up a notch will help with this as well.

 

Lots of random thoughts when he pops in my mind...will I be stong if he ever were to contact? He will never tell her and she is soooo young and unaware of whats going on. I know - not my circus, not my monkeys, but even though I was betraying her in the worst imaginable way, I do feel sorry for her. HOWEVER, if she was listening to the conversation Saturday and does know but does nothing about it then she may be playing her own cards and smarter than I think! Yep, not my business...

 

Been a long couple of days and bound to get longer before they get better! And random thoughts all over the place as I'm sure is obvious! Even when you do everything "right", the hurt is still unbelievable...manageable at best. One foot in front of the other....

 

Okay, question because maybe i missed it but have you made the decision to go NC? Will you be there for him when he returns? If you are ready, are you mentally prepared for the up and down pain but amazing power you begin to take back in your life?

 

Going NC is a decision you need to make and be ready to follow through with it. I absolutely KNOW you are strong enough and taking all of the right steps to be able to kick your little cake eating vacationing with his daughter wanna be douche bag married man to the curb- I just think it is important for you to say it. OR you will be here again next year during vacation time with wife number 7.

 

You are worth more than this and you sound like an amazing woman. I can't wait to hear when you are in NC after a month. ;)

[msoptimistic]

Hey Hecantbreakme....have you met my MM cause you describe him so well! And thank you for that description...I absolutely love it! Last Saturday my first reaction was to make it through a week and then contact ASAP...it was the only way I could deal with it in the heat of that moment...BUT, I am on Day 5 and long about Day 2 or 3 I started thinking I want to stay in NC when he returns next week...so, yes, going for NC.

 

And might I add one quick tidbit...I blocked their FB page but she had her own page up until she combined them a couple of years ago...would you believe her old page popped up on a mutual friend's friend list? Didnt even dawn on me at first but when it did sink in, I checked a couple of other peoples' pages and she shows up on their friends list but there is no "friend" button beside it and I cant open the profile...would be interesting to see if its a fluke or if there has been activity on her old page? It never occurred to me to block her old page...in fact, since it was deactivated and hasnt surfaced in years. I'm not even sure I could have blocked it? Not thinking this is a sign of anything and not being FB savvy, I'm sure theres some other way for it to appear without reactivation by her. Pretty insignificant but any ideas?

[Grapesofwrath]

The vacations are tough because it puts the reality of the situation square in your face. The cognitive dissonance is staggering, and the mind movies can be excruciating.

 

The final straw for me to cut the cord with xMM was a vacation. He called to tell me he would be "out of pocket" for a while (going away with wife and kids) and I knew that was the last time we would speak. Use these feelings to motivate you to do the same. Four years is a long time to put up with these soul-sucking feelings.

[Cloudcuckoo]

We hadn't had a real holiday together for four years as we were building up our farming business. Too much work to do for me, and with a husband in maritime working at sea 3 months on 3 months off, he had plenty to catch up on when at home.

 

However, the man who was then the alien wearing my husband's clothes managed a little Spanish getaway for two weeks with his girlfriend.......

 

Naturally, when this little sojourn came to light during the dday fallout I was a little bit upset so I completely understand the holiday thing, it's just from over the fence.

 

Needless to say, when the alien gave me my husband back after the affair, it's now usual for us to have at least 2 holidays a year (our children are all grown and we are fortunate to have beautiful grandchildren).

 

Earned and deserved too! For both of us!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Hey Hecantbreakme....have you met my MM cause you describe him so well! And thank you for that description...I absolutely love it! Last Saturday my first reaction was to make it through a week and then contact ASAP...it was the only way I could deal with it in the heat of that moment...BUT, I am on Day 5 and long about Day 2 or 3 I started thinking I want to stay in NC when he returns next week...so, yes, going for NC.

 

And might I add one quick tidbit...I blocked their FB page but she had her own page up until she combined them a couple of years ago...would you believe her old page popped up on a mutual friend's friend list? Didnt even dawn on me at first but when it did sink in, I checked a couple of other peoples' pages and she shows up on their friends list but there is no "friend" button beside it and I cant open the profile...would be interesting to see if its a fluke or if there has been activity on her old page? It never occurred to me to block her old page...in fact, since it was deactivated and hasnt surfaced in years. I'm not even sure I could have blocked it? Not thinking this is a sign of anything and not being FB savvy, I'm sure theres some other way for it to appear without reactivation by her. Pretty insignificant but any ideas?

 

^^^ I have no clue?! Have you tried to block her old page? I find it odd too. Maybe someone else on here would know. Lobe is the tech expert she may know.

[msoptimistic]

As I cannot figure out how to change the title of my "vacation time of year" thread to ask a differnt ?, I started a new one...may not be the appropriate method but I'm very technologically challenged!

 

Late yesterday, while spending time with H as I have been all week, I missed a cell call...from a number that only MM has ever used before through one of those additional phone line programs...have no proof that it was him because I obviously didnt answer and didnt -nor can I- call it back because of the type number it is. Will not call his cell phone and I know thry will not be home till tomorrow or even Sunday. He has NEVER called me while on vacation and while I'm not sure it could be anybody else, I just cant believe it would be him either? It hasnt been a great week, sucks at times & relief at times, but moving forward. I have Monday completely full and much of Tuesday booked and working on Wednesday to make it easier when I know he's home.

 

I have often wondered what my catalyst to walk away would be and this vacation is definitely proving to be it, but when I saw that number I felt like I was starting all over...I think theres a high that goes along with the first days of NC then it gets harder and harder as reality settles in...a lifetime without them but also climbing off the roller coaster ride that makes a life with them impossible...quite a Catch-22!

 

And then on top of a possible 1st ever phone call while on vacation, I see where W has reactivared her personal FB account? Now what? He may be making contact and shes messing around with FB (I cant block her cause her profile is set to private-we just have a few mutual friends and it shows up there & I must be a cat cause curiosity kills me and I cant help but look to see if its still there or if she has deactivated it again?)

 

So...if he is trying to contact, could it be for no other reason than to be making contact or did she hear that phone call last Saturday and maybe he is trying to warn me? Oh what a tangled web????

 

I have worked so hard this week (and aint done too shabby a job if I say so myself) to live in the moment. Spent time with both kids, parents, and especially H trying to make what should be a priority actually be a priority...so how could one possible phone call undo so much good in 1.5 seconds? HELP!

[imperfectangel]

First off don't respond. Have you blocked his number or email? If not he can reach you that way if he's anything to say.

[ladydesigner]

I have worked so hard this week (and aint done too shabby a job if I say so myself) to live in the moment. Spent time with both kids, parents, and especially H trying to make what should be a priority actually be a priority...so how could one possible phone call undo so much good in 1.5 seconds? HELP!

 

Don't let it. It sounds like you want to move on. It's hard I know, but don't worry if he called or not. If your situation isn't changing or his situation not changing then you are continually stuck in a limbo.

 

I am sure he will contact you when he gets back from vacation, what are your plans if he does?

[whatatangledweb]

You can block private facebook profiles. I have done it several times.

[msoptimistic]

Well, I can block that particular number but it is one of those extra phone line service things where it pops up with different numbers...that's why I couldn't swear that it was even him..only he is the only person who has EVER called with one of those numbers so I have no way of blocking all of them. I want this week to be a springboard to permanent NC and I am still on that path. It just seems crazy that after 3 years of vacationing and never calling that he would call now?

 

My plan is to keep on staying busy and not answer any numbers I don't know--now I fear it might be her vs him calling anyway. I realize that if seeing a number can set me in a tailspin when I thought I was doing good mans I have to avoid actually hearing his voice at all costs!

 

And for a split second, when I realized she had had some sort of activity on her old FB, just for a flash, I hoped that she was distancing herself from him. Talk about a dangerous hop skip and jump from thinking she was pulling away from him and then he called and then my mind got all screwed up again...but, a good cry, some loud screaming, and a few throws of nonbreakables and I realized that is the same slippery slope that kept me in limbo for 3+ years.

 

Nope, vacation has done it, won't put myself through this hell week again.

 

Now, has anyone ever actually told their MM that should he find himself single again to let you know and IF you weren't past the point of no return where he is concerned that you will talk to him again then but only under those circumstances? A non LS friend suggested this saying it made her feel better but I think it would make me be constantly hoping for a communication but knowing it ain't gonna happen?

[imperfectangel]

There's some quotes on here that have really helped me. The main one is they're were they want to be with who they want to be with. I repeat hat to myself daily. There's also a few paragraphs that have helped me at the time, maybe you could find some and print them off and stick them on your fridge or something

[msoptimistic]

I like "Want what you have and you will always have what you want." And don't know if it will help or not but I am writing myself little noes (mini diary) telling myself every horrific moment of this week so I can't forget. Even so far as a pic during the crying fits just so I can see the pain...I do NOT wish to live through this again, especially when I have the power to stop it.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Well, I can block that particular number but it is one of those extra phone line service things where it pops up with different numbers...that's why I couldn't swear that it was even him..only he is the only person who has EVER called with one of those numbers so I have no way of blocking all of them. I want this week to be a springboard to permanent NC and I am still on that path. It just seems crazy that after 3 years of vacationing and never calling that he would call now?

 

My plan is to keep on staying busy and not answer any numbers I don't know--now I fear it might be her vs him calling anyway. I realize that if seeing a number can set me in a tailspin when I thought I was doing good mans I have to avoid actually hearing his voice at all costs!

 

And for a split second, when I realized she had had some sort of activity on her old FB, just for a flash, I hoped that she was distancing herself from him. Talk about a dangerous hop skip and jump from thinking she was pulling away from him and then he called and then my mind got all screwed up again...but, a good cry, some loud screaming, and a few throws of nonbreakables and I realized that is the same slippery slope that kept me in limbo for 3+ years.

 

Nope, vacation has done it, won't put myself through this hell week again.

 

Now, has anyone ever actually told their MM that should he find himself single again to let you know and IF you weren't past the point of no return where he is concerned that you will talk to him again then but only under those circumstances? A non LS friend suggested this saying it made her feel better but I think it would make me be constantly hoping for a communication but knowing it ain't gonna happen?

 

I know how hard it is to not try and analyze every little thing but you really have to try and NOT do that. It may have been him that called it may not have been but the main thing is you are married and so is he. Keep moving forward and try try try not to look back. Imperfectangel gave you a great quote to consider. In the case of affairs words mean nothing.

[Poppy47]

Please don't even think about contacting. You are obviously still thinking about him very much. It will be easy to slip back into the old familiar routine.

 

If you block his W and him individually on Facebook, you will have to unblock to look at their profiles. It makes looking a whole heap more complicated.

 

I thought about telling xMM if he were ever free to contact me again.... then I knew that there were too many unresolved issues between us for it to ever work. e.g. What would we tell our adult children about how we met????? In spite of knowing all along he would never leave the wife, I have bitterness and resentment towards him. It would destroy any possibility of a legitimate relationship.

 

PLease hang on a bit longer and the urge to contact him will eventually go away.

Poppy

[13Hearts]

Do you see how much space this guy is taking up in your head, rent-free? And all this guessing and what-ifs from a single, unanswered call, that probably was just some wrong number?

[ZBA]

Msoptimistic, thank you truly and sincerely for this thread. Have read these boards for awhile, but never registered an account. Still cannot bring myself to post my experience. But parts of your current emotional journey have resonated with me enough to actually create an account and reply here. The responses of others on this thread have been therapeutic as well. Would love to hear an update on how you are doing since you last wrote, both the good and the bad. Wishing you self-awareness, recovery, and better days ahead.

[msoptimistic]

MM and W took a week long vacation a couple of weeks ago and it almost did me in...almost but not completely. I had no idea what to expect when he returned except that I was pretty certain I would struggle with NC and I have BUT....I blocked every number that I knew of that he could use to contact me but he is pretty slick. He was able to get a phone number with an area code the same as mine and my daughter answered and handed me the phone thinking it was someone we knew. (She never would have answered an odd number). So I heard his voice and he proceeded to tell me how horrible the week was and how miserable he was (exactly what he had to say to attempt to smooth things over). I listened and even talked to him a few more times but it was all just too much. I finally told him that I had made myself a promise to never be around for another vacation.

 

His response? Well, he said and notice the quotation marks "You don't want to be my friend anymore? Not what do you need or can I do anything to change your mind or anything including my feelings. No, it was did I not want to be his friend anymore! So that was it...time to walk away.

 

I know there is another wonderful post with some great advice going about idealizing and romanticizing the MM...looking through rose colored glasses. I was so afraid to push him or ask questions because I knew in my heart that his answers would break my heart. I was living on a ledge...scared and ashamed and doing my entire family wrong but I wanted him so badly that I could put that out of my mind. I thought if I showered him with enough compliments and praise that he would eventually want me instead of her. Never was gonna happen. He had what he wanted and time wasnt going to change that.

 

Long road ahead of me but I feel like I needed those last conversations to cement in my mind what I already knew. There was nothing else I could have ever said or done to "prove" my love. Nothing would have mattered.

 

I used to actually walk around with this almost smirk cause I knew what nobody else did and that was that the most amazing man in the world (yeah right) was in some way mine. Now I feel lots of embarrassment and shame and sadness but maybe a little hope because maybe my eyes have been opened and I will never let myself make something out of nothing again...

 

Now for moving forward. Been a tough summer so far but necessary. Thanks for all the great advice and I know that speaking to him at all after he returned wasnt the best scenario but I feel I needed it. Did I mess up terribly bad?

[CarrieT]

Good for you! :bunny:

[loveisanaction]

Msoptimistic, Girl don't even sweat it.

 

Now you know. The man that you were intimate with is referring you to as his 'friend.' You know why he was lamenting about how miserable his vacation was right? Little did he know that you are not the same person he left when he went on vacation with his young, hot wife. Yes, i'm sure it was miserable vacationing on the beach with her..Not!

 

You know where you stand now with your married man, no more fantasies of being together. Had you not ended things with him this would have been your life on his next vacation.

 

You did yourself good.

[Lobe]

Now for moving forward. Been a tough summer so far but necessary. Thanks for all the great advice and I know that speaking to him at all after he returned wasnt the best scenario but I feel I needed it. Did I mess up terribly bad?

 

I dunno - if speaking to him was the final nail in the coffin for you, I'd call it a success. Good for you!!!

[BuddyX]

"You don't want to be my friend?"

What a coward. And how typical.

 

My ExW wife said the same thing after we divorced. My answer; "We're not friends. We're not enemies. We're strangers with memories".

[Bufo]

You survived a no contact breach. Good for you. Beware, however, as I am quite sure he'll try again.

 

As I have posted elsewhere, the one truth for a predator MM engaged in an A is that is is easier to keep an A going than it is to find, groom and seduce a.replacement A partner. The typical approach is to be very humble and explain how you two were meant for each other. And to ask you if this separation isn't hard on you,,too. Then will come,the offer of continued friendship and an offer to meet at a neutral location "just to talk". If you are reluctant, then he'll pull out the "closure" card explaining that you both need it. The goal,of all this is to keep the A going. You know he doesn't care about your feelings and that whatever he says/promises is a lie designed to reel you back in.

 

Remember: the one we cares the least has the most power. Your goal is indifference toward him. Make him in your mind just someone you used to know. Life will go on without him.

 

You are doing quite well as you didn't cave to his attempts to keep the A going..

 

Sure, he'll be out prowling now, but that isn't your concern.

[stilltrying16]

Bufo nailed it. Esp here:

 

Remember: the one we cares the least has the most power. Your goal is indifference toward him. Make him in your mind just someone you used to know. Life will go on without him.

 

You are doing quite well as you didn't cave to his attempts to keep the A going..

 

Sure, he'll be out prowling now, but that isn't your concern.

 

You're handling this so well, MsOptimist. Stay strong. Freedom and happiness are round the corner.