Vacations over

[imsosad]

It still fascinates me that so many MW on this board express feelings and frustrations that are exactly the same as single OW. I would have thought being married too would make it easier but apparently it doesn't.

 

One of the things that has helped me is dating... Do you want to date your husband again? Do you want your marriage?

 

You mention drugs and all kidding aside, have you considered antidepressants? (You don't have to answer that, but it's just a thought). You seem like you're in a very deep hole and it's not surprising that NC is so tough.

 

Best of luck, I know it sucks big time and sorry I don't have any better advice.

Lemon, I think that if there is an emotional.attachment, it is very hard to be in an affair, single or married.

I HATED weekends during my A, though I was with my H and kids and always had plans. Sometimes I wished I could just lay on the sofa crying, which would be a reflection of how I was feeling. Instead, i had to pretend. My AP found weekends just as difficult.

I went away with my husband for a week during the A. Everyone lost.

I was distracted,unhappy,guilty.

My H was frustrated the trip.wasnt going well.

My AP had it the worst, he was just down, had pangs of jealousy and recurring thoughts about all the sex we were having (we hardly were, i couldn't). I had told him in advance I wouldnt be contacting him at all during the trip and he accepted it, but when I really did not contact him, he became angry and sad.

His W didnt know why her H was upset.

When they went of a family weekend away, I was sad and felt rejected, he was edgy and kept going off with the kids by himself so we could talk. Both innocent spouses were again faced with broody, snappy spouses.

It is very hard to live with one person and love another. You are always losing, you are never really happy.

I read here about (mostly) MM going off on weekends and holidays with their wives and being all cool and calm about it.

I dont know.

Either they are not being upfont about their feelings, or they dont have many. A third option is that they got so good at compartmentalizing that it really works. Well, I dont think being able to split your inner world is a good thing. It might sheild from pain, but it is still an avoidance mechanism.

I can see how being a single OW is more heartbreaking in some ways, but all in all affairs are just disasters all around.

[privategal]

Small rural area...

Would you guys (you and H) consider looking for new jobs and moving for an adventure the 2nd half of your lives?

Its a big world..theres beaches, cities, life...you seem bored and uninspired where you live.

You lost your dreams?

Thinking is this all there is?

 

Your mm sounds like a love addict. A very broken man going from woman to woman, marriage to marriage and A's while married.

He is a mess and you dont have to choose to be part of his harem.

You just need to say enough.

Its actually that simple.

The pain and withdrawal are hard but who cares. No pain...no gain.

You made this mess.

Now clean it up.

Then ask...is this home, this small rural town...would your h like to move?

We did. And your kids are grown.

Sounds extreme?

Maybe. But maybe its possible.

Maybe aanything you ever wanted is possible if you'd just let go of this mm who is making your world so dark and SMALL.

[goodyblue]

AMEN to that! I nearly died when xMM went away with his wife.

Poppy

 

Oh man, when I was OW vacations were the WORST part for me.

[msoptimistic]

Well I woke up in the middle of the night with the greatest sense of despair and loss. Got me a cup of coffee & turned on I Love Lucy reruns! Yesterday when I heard the "I'm going to be gone for a week" line, I thought my world was over...just for a moment but I thought it was over. I couldn't shake the feeling that the voice he was using was because she was listening and actually a small part of me was hoping I had set the whole vacation off on a bad note...horrible thinking I know.

I can't explain the feeling of restlessness or this big old knot in my stomach. It is a most uncomfortable physical feeling. I would think that it was a unique feeling to me and no one else could have ever experienced it but then I thought I was the only one who vacations would affect this terribly but I now know they affect other OW the same. As much as I dont wish this hurt on anyone, it feels good to hear that under these crazy circumstances, I'm not alone and feeling normal withdrawal sensations.

It bothers me that I cant remember the pre-A me. I dont remember what I did to be happy. I am happy to begin the journey of moving away from MM, but from this point right here right now, everything seems so boring. As are so much about the excitement and you want to keep that feeling so badly. I fed his ego and doing that fed my ego. Some sort of strange thinking that if my attention made him happy then I must be special?

Thanks for all the help yesterday and today. Keep it coming cause I am going to work so hard this week to start moving ahead and advice helps soooo much!

[What_Did_I_Do]

The sickening, twisted feeling in your stomach - check.

 

Thoughts of them hand-holding and lovemaking - check.

 

(Re)connecting and continuing to build the foundation of their marriage (peppered with some lies and an A or two) - check.

 

Because that's what married people are supposed to do.

 

ms, my heart goes out to you. I completely understand how you feel. He probably sounded "different" because he knew you'd be upset and wanted to avoid any drama before his vacation.

 

Yes he will reach out to you when he returns. And this will all seem like a bad dream in a week or so. I truly hope you can remain strong for you but we quickly forget the heartbreaking pain of the previous week and let them back in.

 

Thing is, you'll know when you are ready to walk away. Or, he will. This will end sooner or later. Big hugs.

[Lady Hamilton]

Oh man, when I was OW vacations were the WORST part for me.

 

There was only one "vacation" I had to deal with and it was awful... Even knowing it wasn't a real vacation, it didn't make things better.

[lemondrop21]

Last summer MM went on a one week vacation with his wife (no kids) for their anniversary.

 

This was after he had been having loads and loads of sex with me for a month or so.

 

Texted me basically as soon as he was off the plane. Said he couldn't stop thinking of me for one minute.

 

Later said the trip was good and had helped them to reconnect.

 

The compartmentalization is stunning. I'm fact I don't even know if it's compartmentalization exactly... I think some have the ability to be thinking about AP constantly AND give attention and affection to their spouse at the same time, which alleviates some guilt or something. I don't get that at all. When I saw xbf after the A had started I couldn't let him touch me... Different folks are wired differently I suppose.

 

Anyway, this seems like really good NC practice time for you. Try as think of it as an opportunity, a vacation for you from the drama. Good luck!

[msoptimistic]

A vacation from drama...yes, I believe that is how I will look at it. No wondering if I can sneak in a phone call or check FB (blocked that one). They are at the beach and alone. How could that not be romantic? It sucks. He wont attempt to contact while they are gone...remember this is my 3rd round of this. Maybe when they return and he needs that ego boost but I really plan to be far enough removed from the situation to not respond to any communications.

It amazes me so far today that I can cry one minute and feel hopeful the next...all over the map. Tried oatmeal for breakfast but that didnt work. I'm now thinking 15 minute intervals at a time vs. days at a time. But the key is the first step then the next then the next.

Any advice on when light starts to appear at the end of the tunnel? What do I have to look forward to? Days, weeks, months of this? Whatever it takes.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I never really understood how he could be vacationing with his family and texting me almost constantly....?? Mind-boogoling!

[ShamanLover]

I remember mine texting me while his wife lay right next to him on the beach. Telling me in great detail about the warm ocean breeze blowing up inside his shorts, what it was doing to him and how much he wanted to be with me. Probably right after he had lovingly rubbed sunscreen into his wife's back. And these are the guys we are pining for? Ugh. Insanity.

[AlwaysGrowing]

A vacation from drama...yes, I believe that is how I will look at it. No wondering if I can sneak in a phone call or check FB (blocked that one). They are at the beach and alone. How could that not be romantic? It sucks. He wont attempt to contact while they are gone...remember this is my 3rd round of this. Maybe when they return and he needs that ego boost but I really plan to be far enough removed from the situation to not respond to any communications.

It amazes me so far today that I can cry one minute and feel hopeful the next...all over the map. Tried oatmeal for breakfast but that didnt work. I'm now thinking 15 minute intervals at a time vs. days at a time. But the key is the first step then the next then the next.

Any advice on when light starts to appear at the end of the tunnel? What do I have to look forward to? Days, weeks, months of this? Whatever it takes.

 

You touched on something earlier that really is a huge thing.

 

You remember being happy prior to the affair but don't know how to get there again. For many in affairs...especially those that are married....they lose themselves or more accurately...their sense of self. You are not the same person as before....nor should you be.

 

As an empty nester there already exists the new journey in ones life. Free from the day to day care, financing, problem solving and scheduling of our children. Although bittersweet....most of us adjust...and afterwards go OMG....I get to be me 24 hours a day again. It can be such a liberating time in ones life.

 

Acceptance...is where most of life's journeys begin. When we accept...we stop dwelling on it and move forward. We start to live again. We gather up all/any lessons to be learned and weave them into the new "I". We weave them into the collective...they do not sit alone inside us...festering. They get woven into a positive trait inside us and we use these new traits(self) to steer us away from damaging behaviours/people in the future.

 

It is time to figure out you. The new you. You are fortunate to have the empty-nester opportunities before you as well....because just about anything is possible. Start exploring your possibilities...start researching....start planning....start living.

[privategal]

Kind of wondering why you didnt get more than a days notice. When I was in A we both knew of the others vaca plans weeks and weeks in advance?

We'd also be excited for the other.

I mean I knew he loved his wife and needed time with his family away from his stressful job. He supported my vaca roo and was happy for me to go. As I wanted time alone with my husband having fun to so...?

What gives...you know hes married?

Do you pretend you are #1?

Are you supposed to ignore your spouse cause your in A and stop your life so ap isnt mad?

Maybe thats your issue is not admitting he WANTS time with his wife to reconnect...he loves her...are you in denual about that?

An A doesnt mean his marriage isnt FIRST. YOU will never be first.

Whats the problem here exactly?

Edited June 5, 2016 by privategal

[Doublegold]

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with this vacation week ahead. I hope you can put that out of your mind and focus on you and do some fun things with your family! Summer is here and if it isn't vacations, its the Holidays. That is the fact and it is best to accept it.

 

In our case they haven't gone away as a family in five years. Used to do four or five a year. She loves her vacations ...goes away still but with the kids or with her siblings. She prefers that anyway.

 

He and I go to his conferences. So much fun. But he hasn't had a proper vacation in a long time. I'm not big on travel, can take it or leave it.

[Josmatjes]

Obviously I would want to think that my disappearing would hurt him on some level but I doubt it. In reality, probably one day he might say to himself that he hasnt heard from me in awhile and that would be it. You know, hes a real keeper as this is his 4th wife & 5th marriage (apparently once wasnt enough with wife #2?). So many times I have wanted to tell current wife whats happening because she is so close to my daughter's age and much younger than his daughter and I feel like she is getting such a raw deal. Didnt stop me though. And just one for the record, we started out EA then PA for a little over a year then back to EA for the past 2 years. Talking everyday but no physical contact. In some ways that would have probably been easier. The way we are now, we discuss family & jobs & retirement & religion & so forth...that is like letting go of a best friend...all things that should have been discussed with H. In fact, during a recent job offer, I actually called him first with the news.

I live in a small, rural area. I have searched for and tried the only counselor I could find in our area. There are 2 more but neither are taking new patients and the one I was seeing has left the profession to sell insurance! Nearest now would be 1 hr 15 minute drive away!

I'm going to get a grip here. I hope to do it without anti depressants but I've been down that road before and can do it again if need be. This week will be hard. Next week will probably be even harder but its one day at a time. One more question...during weak moments when your own mind starts messing with you and justifying his actions and thinking those "maybe" scenarios, what then? Cause I can be Wonder Woman till a tiny seed takes root and within 5 minutes I can be planning a fairytale ending to this story. Thats something I have to avoid at all costs and stay plugged into the real world. BTW, both my kids work. One is a college grad & works full time. One is in college & works parttime so I'm an empty nester as well!?

 

Do you want to be his 5th wife? Cause he will cheat on you with number 6! My god please end this and go dark. Work on yourself. Do something just for you everyday to build up your self esteem! This isn't about love this is about changes in life and loneliness. My kids are getting older also and I'm separated and alone so I get it! I do! But please walk away from this man, he is bad news, he will destroy you, he IS destroying you!!

[msoptimistic]

They have gone away one week of the summer every year. Never with any notice for me but he pretends its always a last minute decision which I know cannot be true. I know he loves her. I hate admitting it but yes I know it. He tells me the same stories that are shared here over an over and I have always justified them in my head. There have been evidences that some of his stories are true and those have always kept me going. Im no different than anyone else who fell for a charmers line...and boy is he a charmer.

I think acceptance is a key and while I cant explain it, that one realization that he was disappearing for a week without notice and in that tone of voice was a wake up call. I plan to take advantage of it and start moving forward.

Today I have made plans for tomorrow, Tuesday and next Monday. I dont want to dwell on it all week but I have to find a balance to deal with it too.

I do not want to be wifey #6. Who would when looking at the situation rationally? Unfortunately, I have had way too much irrational thinking and not enough changing whats not working for my betterment to something that will.

Wow, 5 marriages and an untold amount of As and I am feeding his ego daily for 4 years. I wonder if there have been other As behind my back as well? Ouch...never wanted to consider that!

[privategal]

Your excuses for him are SO LAME.

Poeple plan vacations MONTHS in advance as hotels and work requests off are hard to come by.

Were you born yesterday? (No)

He didnt care to emotionally prepare you.

Also 6 marriages if you were to be together...that takes practice, skill, knowing the right things to say and do to make a woman swoon.

Look on the dating sight...how many good, sweet, REAL men cant even get a 2nd date.

He KNOWS what to say, do, what womenn need, look for, want to hear...and with his hot younger arm trophy wife...he is not looking for deep, intimate, best friend, lifelong commitment...he is looking for status quo, ego boost, sexual validation...evidenced by him meeting you on his ONE MONTH anniversary.

He doesnt want her...you...anyone per se...he wants validated, ego stroke, sex.

Love has NOTHING to do with any of it.

Hes 60 wanting to be the hot wanted stud in his 20's again. Get real!

[msoptimistic]

Wow private..you are tough...correct but tough! Yes, they have had to have these vacation plans for awhile and no, he didnt tell me and yes, I knew it was coming and no, I didnt hold him accountable in years past so why should he have changed that this year? I allowed the treatment for 3 years, I cant honestly expect him to step up to the plate and tell me the "right" way that he is going to the beach with his much younger wife to sit on the sand and grin at everyone while thinking they are envious of his young hot woman.

 

Having said that and knowing that this week is forced NC and next week when it is optional NC that will really tell the story, let me say this...having a few really thought provoking topics to concentrate on helps a bit..when I have drifted to him (them) I have literally pinched myself...hard...to remind me to redirect thoughts. I also tell myself when the crying jag starts that this is about the worst...the first few days have got to be the toughest.

 

I did fall for a very experienced womanizer...how many MM having As arent outgoing and charismatic? These men risk everything & compartamentalize everything and say the right things and make the right moves and when they find a woman they have the right chemistry with then they pull out all the stops. And I fell for it. Am I proud of it? Nope. How about this....he has a job that allows him to receive reviews from the public. Mostly he receives good reviews but boy when they are bad they are really bad and sometimes even provide proof to back them up. Would that make me proud? Nope. But let him get in your mind and suddenly everyone else is wrong and he is wonderful and you are the only one and your fairytale is about to come true...its the very nature of the beast.

 

So, my excuses are pitiful and painful and totally wrong but I am trying. Planning activities, keeping my mind busy, pinching (did I mention hard?) When my mind wanders

[msoptimistic]

Had to end that last post abruptly but I would like to add that I do not see how OW have the workplace affairs. I know thats where accessibility comes into play but I cannot imagine the pain of seeing him everyday...or in the case of a vacation with his wife, not seeing him everyday. I feel like my situation is horrific to me but that would seem like torture beyond compare? So sorry for those going through those situations...another level of pain inflicted by an A.....

[HeCantBreakMe]

Had to end that last post abruptly but I would like to add that I do not see how OW have the workplace affairs. I know thats where accessibility comes into play but I cannot imagine the pain of seeing him everyday...or in the case of a vacation with his wife, not seeing him everyday. I feel like my situation is horrific to me but that would seem like torture beyond compare? So sorry for those going through those situations...another level of pain inflicted by an A.....

 

lol yes be thankful you don't have to see your hopefully exMM at the office that is a whole other level of suckage!! In your case though think how much better you have made his marriage by letting his happy little butt know he can take his wife on vacation and have you to come home too. My suggestion is don't be here when he gets back. Also yes I am guessing he either has more or has mad many other affair partners. I think your mm is my exMM in about 20 years!!!

[Poppy47]

I love "level of suckage". Good term.

Poppy.

[msoptimistic]

You know I hadnt even thought about him sitting on the beach with her and his chest stuck out but hes also thinking and hey, I have another woman back at home worshipping the ground I walk on as well. More suckage!

Woke up early again but I guess sleep is hard for everyone during NC? I tried this...really tried...back in March but got sucked in again. I know what hes planning to do...hes planning to come back next week and say how horrible the week was and she did nothing but complain and he wishes he had never went and so forth and so on...only this time he wont get the opportunity. Thats one thing I have to avoid is giving him any opportunity whatsoever.

[Lovetoohard]

My xMM told me he was going away with the w and kids for his kid's birthday, which he lied about because I found out that it was for his wife's birthday. It wasn't anything exotic or interesting- just a trip across the country to see his in-laws. They do the same thing every single year. But the fact he lied and said it was for his kid's birthday, told me a week in advance and during a time i was grieving a family member's untimely death and needed him, hurt me to my core. Also, what kind of a man cowers behind the "it's for my kids" excuse to justify things?!? Sick. I am convinced he only told me about the trip because we worked together and I would have heard from colleagues and obviously wondered why he wasn't at work.

 

Given that as the default, second-class citizen status that is conferred upon the OW, I suppose I should have taken "solace" in the fact that he did nothing but FaceTime, call and text incessantly the ENTIRE time while he was gone, but the thought that his wife was probably taking happy family pics and blowing out her birthday candles while making a wish during is simply nauseating. Yay me! So special! He may have just been doing that to keep me on the hook. Not like all that required significant effort. Glad it's behind me. He was never fully present with her or me. Nobody deserves that. It's a sick and twisted world in affair land.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Lovetoohard
Typos

[Lady Hamilton]

The only one mine took was when his former in-laws "surprised" him and his wife with a getaway a few hours away to "save their marriage."

 

She spent the whole trip pretending he wasn't have an affair.

 

He spent the whole trip texting me.

 

Their first night there she had a nuclear meltdown that he wouldn't sleep in the same bed as her, then he texted me text after text about how we couldn't be together, he loved her, he realized she was the love of his life, I was this, that, and the other, and he didn't have it in him to keep up the affair... I finally just stopped answering him.

 

I was sure they'd reconciled, her Facebook was loaded with "happy family pictures," and I didn't hear a word from him for the rest of the trip.

 

They came back a few days later, he dropped her off at their house and came to my place, luggage still in the car.

 

I said that if he'd reconciled, he shouldn't be at my place, I was tired of being yanked around, go be with "the love of his life" and leave me be.

 

He had no idea what I was even talking about.

 

Turns out she'd taken his phone after he fell asleep after fighting about being in separate beds, she took his phone and texted me as him, then left his flashlight on his phone all night so that his phone would be dead the next morning, then hid the charger for his phone.

 

Then she said she had so much fun on the vacation, she wanted to go somewhere the following week.

 

At the time it was irritating, but now I kind of get a chuckle from it.

 

But I wouldn't repeat that feeling when he went away for love or money.

[ladydesigner]

Then she said she had so much fun on the vacation, she wanted to go somewhere the following week.

 

At the time it was irritating, but now I kind of get a chuckle from it.

 

Nice someone gets a chuckle from it

[Lady Hamilton]

Remembering always that my affair, especially by that point, was not a standard affair. By then it was a strange combination of a separation/public relationship that wasn't a secret, while his then-wife refused to acknowledge the seperation and generally lived life as if things were totally normal.

 

Things were so strange and surreal that all one can do looking back at it with a grain of salt.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Lady Hamilton