Should I make other plans?

[MovingOnIsHard]

Oh for cryin out loud... this is getting silly.

 

I agree it's possible this guy was not all that attracted to ES from the get go.... but neither was SHE!!!

 

I mean the way she spoke about him during the two days he had not contacted her.... calling him the ugliest man she's every been with (or words to that effect).... her resentment, etc.... it was clear there was no love lost between these two...

 

Under the circumstances there should NEVER have even been a second date!

 

I agree with ES about one thing... I don't know why he asked her out again .... but then again.... I don't know WHY she accepted!

 

They are a total mismatch -- NEXT!

 

Done.

 

Block delete... move on.

 

Yeah.. i almost forgot the "ugly" comment. In that case, u should have just cancelled the second date two days before. Why go out with someone who you think is "ugly"? Nothing wrong with not being physically attracted to someone, thats part of finding a suitable partner. Unless you are just trying to fill in your free evening or want a free dinner, just skip next time.

[katiegrl]

Yeah.. i almost forgot the "ugly" comment. In that case, u should have just cancelled the second date two days before. Why go out with someone who you think is "ugly"? Nothing wrong with not being physically attracted to someone, thats part of finding a suitable partner. Unless you are just trying to fill in your free evening or want a free dinner, just skip next time.

 

^^Yup yup yup and YUP!

[Redhead14]

At the top of this thread she said this:

 

It's rare for me to feel genuine chemistry with someone. She agreed to another date. He couldn't have been that ugly.

 

He only got ugly when she started getting impatient and insecure. Insecurity plays games with a person's head.

 

But, I agree, this is water under the bridge and a waste of time now. Next time a second date is arranged without specifics, ask for a call by X day, X time with specifics so that you can plan accordingly. If they don't call by the requested timeframe, then you make other plans.

[Timshel]

ES, up front, I have not read most of this thread....I'm sure my opinion is either redundant or unnecessary.

 

Gathering so far....I don't see anything wrong with leaving this alone. You had your gut feeling and your gut feeling did not fail.

Maybe you are guarded. You are still putting yourself out into the dating world and trusting your own instincts....this is commendable imo.

 

I have seen nothing of your character on this board to indicate that when you meet a man who is good for you, that you will not reciprocate. Btw, only a few men you meet will be good for you....patience is a virtue.

 

Dating is not hard, or it should not be. Meet, talk and have fun. If it doesn't flow....no mas. In the meantime enjoy life. There is zero need to force or second guess.

 

I say go with your instinct. It has never done me wrong. The only times that I have regretted are the times I did not listen to myself.

 

Relax...if you don't want to, don't. If it feels right....move forward, enjoy.

[kendahke]

Sorry kendahke but your arguments are so illogical that it's a waste of my time to even bother with a proper response.

 

The guy just wasn't feeling it, let's all move on.

 

And you are still wrong about how you proceeded...

[katiegrl]

I went out on a date with a guy on the weekend and we had a great time. It wasn't through OLD. Mid evening, he reached across the table during dinner, held my hand and we were kissing and holding hands for the remainder of the next 5 hours. It's rare for me to feel genuine chemistry with someone.

 

He thanked me for the nice night but didn't contact me the next day. The day after that, I decide to send him a text that I enjoyed the night and hope to see him to see him again. He replied immediately and seemed very enthusiastic, telling me how much fun he had and giving me his full schedule for the next week and asked me to pick a night when I was free. I did and he texted that we can have dinner at a <suburb> but will sort out the details later.

 

Then he proceeded not to contact me at all for the next 2 days. Tonight is the night before the date and I still haven't heard from him. I am not initiating contact again since I already did...

 

I am now assuming that we have no plans and am keen to move on and not dwell on it. Someone else asked me to do something tomorrow night. Should I say yes?

 

I mean when there is no specific time/place set in early dating, that means there is no date?

 

I can't contact him to clear it up since I cringe at the thought of chasing anyone

 

ES, this is your original post which I felt warranted repeating.

 

Since I do like you and believe that deep down you DO want to connect and enter into a RL with a nice man, a good guy, a couple of things.

 

1. If a man has asked you out for a specific day, even if no time or place has been established yet.... please don't ever assume that the date is off.... because he hasn't contacted you within a particular timeframe established by you. That HE knows nothing about.

 

Assuming anything in dating is just wrong and causes all sorts of misunderstanding and confusion.

 

If you're questioning it, text or call yourself and check, that is NOT chasing. That is called touching base re a date that HE asked you out on....big difference.

 

2. Him or any man not contacting you for two days after asking you out is NORMAL.

 

You only had one date.... he has a life and YOU have a life. Two days is NOTHING, a blip. Live your life and don't stress about how often he's texting or not texting.

 

Everyone has their own style. Just because it's different from yours, that does NOT mean they are not interested.

 

3. RELAX. Frankly, from reading your posts, you got yourself all worked up to the point you're deeming him ugly and godonlyknows what else, I can't remember.... but it wasn't good.

 

All because he hadn't called in TWO DAYS and 24 hours prior to the date. Keep expectations (not to mention anxieties insecurities) in check.

 

When you think about it logically, don't you think that is a bit ridiculous? Again you only had ONE date.

 

He ended up calling 11 hours before the date, with a time, place and reservations confirmed. If it were me, I would have felt a bit ridiculous for getting myself all worked up.

 

Give these guys a break.. They are not the enemy... and are most likely just as anxious and nervous as you are....

 

Lastly, COMMUNICATE. Even the way you articulate yourself on this board is confusing. It is no wonder you deem many of our posts over the top. We were simply responding to things YOU yourself were articulating or not articulating, which again was very confusing.

 

Being that you are a university professor this is very surprising. I would think communicating well would be your forte.

 

All that said, I hope you eventually find what you are looking for.

 

Be happy and good luck moving forward!

Edited June 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[MovingOnIsHard]

^^yep

 

Next time, touch base with the person to clarify /confirm the date. That is not chasing at all.

 

The rule applies when setting up a date with friends, parents, acquaintances, or even a potential buyer from kijiji lol

[hippychick3]

When I was dating, there were many times when the guy made definite plans for us ahead of time and didn't text for a day or 2 before the date. If there was not a place or time set yet (which happened sometimes), he would inevitably contact me the day of to solidify a place and time. I just always assumed we were still meeting if he had not canceled. I was never stood up.

[joseb]

ES played no games. I don't even think people really understand what this means. Her friend genuinely asked her out...she didn't make this up. Her friend actually did secure specific plans before ol' dude here. She didn't lie or toy around with him about that.

 

No, thats not what happened. He asked her what night she was free, she told him, they agreed on the night, the area, not the restaurant.

Then she decided to meet the friends because he didn't confirm within a timeframe in her head. That sounds exactly like games to me.

 

Anyway, yeah water under the bridge.

 

I think ES wasn't into this guy. Or was, but sabotaged it for some reason.

Either she was afraid he wasn't interested, or she was afraid it would work - not sure which. As it turns out, he also lost interest - that may or may have happened regardless, but I don't think the games helped.

 

My advice to ES is to stop dating for a while, until she feels excited about it.

 

And/or to try to read the posts here with an open mind even if they might not agree with your point of view.

[MissBee]

Her words: I did and he texted that we can have dinner at a <suburb> but will sort out the details later.

 

He gave her his schedule and asked her to pick a night. She did. That's a time.

 

Then he told her he was taking her out to dinner in a suburb.That' a place.

 

She knew her Thursday night was booked with this man to have dinner in a restaurant in a suburb.

 

She knew enough to know she needed to be ready for dinner whether it's 7 or 8 does not matter, he booked her evening. She also knew they were going to a restaurant so she knew how to dress. The only thing missing was direction to the restaurant. When he contacted her with the direction she then learn he had made reservation. Which tells me he had put some thoughts into where to take her and it was a nice place. MacDonald don't take reservation.

 

Saturday is a day...not a time. A time begins with a number.

[smackie9]

Different strokes for different strokes. The guy didn't behave in a way the OP expects. There is no right or wrong about it, just expectations were not fulfilled.

 

OP I bet he had his own set of dating rules and that was to have no contact for awhile to not look too eager or needy. Guys fight with this one a lot. "how much is too much? What should I say? When should I ask her out again? I don't want to scare her away" Thousands of threads are posted by confused guys lol.

 

 

Obviously you both were not on the same page so it's probably for the better that you made other plans.

[anna121]

Saturday is a day...not a time. A time begins with a number.

 

True, they did not settle on a precise time, but "dinner" is not something that takes place during the day. It's not like she would have been expected to keep the entire day open.

[tuxedo cat]

My understanding has always been that it's basic courtesy to contact someone a day or two before a date to firm up plans and that it's rude to do so the day of, especially if things are left vague (no time or place) and especially if it's a date with an essential stranger. Things may be more casual with friends, spouses or relatives.

 

Unless things have changed dramatically in the last few years I don't really see what she did wrong enough to warrant his hostile treatment of her on the date.

[katiegrl]

My understanding has always been that it's basic courtesy to contact someone a day or two before a date to firm up plans and that it's rude to do so the day of, especially if things are left vague (no time or place) and especially if it's a date with an essential stranger. Things may be more casual with friends, spouses or relatives.

 

Unless things have changed dramatically in the last few years I don't really see what she did wrong enough to warrant his hostile treatment of her on the date.

 

He wasn't *hostile* .....he just wasn't into her so didn't act like it....

 

She posted he didn't hug her, didn't kiss her and was distant. That could hardly be considered hostile. Just wasn't into her, which is his prerogative.. who knows why, doesn't matter .... but *something* definitely turned him off.

 

As far as confirming one or two days prior, that is a matter of preference, there is no *rule*.

 

If there is a rule, it is probably confirm in the morning for a night time date. That is what I was taught anyway.

 

That goes for friends, family, dating.

 

Personally I don't need 1-2 days notice, in fact often times the date is scheduled two days prior! Then we confirm the day of.....

 

We have a date, I know we have a date, firming up plans by noon the day of is fine with me. For many other people too.

 

That said ...if ES needs for him or any man to confirm 1-2 days prior, she should *communicate* that to the guy at the time they made the date, because men are not mind readers...

 

ES' guy called her 11 hours prior, with time and reservation set, which would have been more than enough time for most women to plan ...

 

As I said previously, people need to lower expectations during the very early stages.

 

Let's give each other a break for heaven's sake.

 

Getting knickers in a knot because a man (or woman if roles are reversed) doesn't text enough, doesn't confirm 24 hours prior or doesn't meet any other expectation ... is just a futile waste of energy imo.

 

I don know whether it is insecurity, paranoia, or whatever but frankly I think it has all become a bit ridiculous. Especially the texting issue.

 

Lighten up, have fun and get go know each other. Communicate what you prefer. Or need. Again people are not mind readers. If they still are not meeting needs after you communicate them ... then NEXT.

 

Enjoy the process! Dating is supposed to be fun!

 

Rant over.

Edited June 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't even think something new turned him off. It's more of the case of him not being that into it from the start.

 

After the first date, he didn't contact me at all and I had to contact him to ask him out for the next one. After the day he said yes, he proceeded to not initiate one single text so we had no contact in the days leading up to the second date.

 

I just think it's par for the course if a woman is prepared to initiate. You may get a date but he is still going to have low interest. That's why I rarely initiate in the early stages. It never led to anything good.

[katiegrl]

I don't even think something new turned him off. It's more of the case of him not being that into it from the start.

 

After the first date, he didn't contact me at all and I had to contact him to ask him out for the next one. After the day he said yes, he proceeded to not initiate one single text so we had no contact in the days leading up to the second date.

 

I just think it's par for the course if a woman is prepared to initiate. You may get a date but he is still going to have low interest. That's why I rarely initiate in the early stages. It never led to anything good.

 

Oh sorry, I knew you contacted him after the date but I had no idea YOU actually initiated the second date.

 

Yeah I agree .... probably wasn't that interested from the get go....

 

I also agree it is best to let the man initiate the first few dates.

 

I usually start initiating around the fourth date but that is not a cut and dry rule. Really depends on the guy and our connection.

 

Anyway, sorry this happened, lesson learned I guess.... block, delete, next.

[katiegrl]

Oh sorry, I knew you contacted him after the date but I had no idea YOU actually initiated the second date.

 

Yeah I agree .... probably wasn't that interested from the get go....

 

I also agree it is best to let the man initiate the first few dates.

 

I usually start initiating around the fourth date but that is not a cut and dry rule. Really depends on the guy and our connection.

 

Anyway, sorry this happened, lesson learned I guess.... block, delete, next.

 

What's weird though is on your first date, why he held hands and proceeded to kiss you for five hours ..... if he wasn't into you?

 

Do you think he just wanted sex?

 

Stupid question I guess, duh.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What's weird though is on your first date, why he held hands and proceeded to kiss you for five hours ..... if he wasn't into you?

 

Do you think he just wanted sex?

 

Stupid question I guess, duh.

 

That's my best guess since he invited me to his place that night.

[TheFinalWord]

Then he proceeded not to contact me at all for the next 2 days. Tonight is the night before the date and I still haven't heard from him. I am not initiating contact again since I already did...

 

I am now assuming that we have no plans and am keen to move on and not dwell on it. Someone else asked me to do something tomorrow night. Should I say yes?

 

I mean when there is no specific time/place set in early dating, that means there is no date?

 

I can't contact him to clear it up since I cringe at the thought of chasing anyone

 

Some will say you are being overly critical. However, I think communication styles are important. I would not want to wait for plans until the day of either, so I don't blame you. If he is that type of a person, and you are more of a planner, this is a sign of things to come.

 

He should have made definite plans, e.g. Joe's Eatery at 8:00 PM, and then it would be fine for him to not communicate with you until the date.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Some will say you are being overly critical. However, I think communication styles are important. I would not want to wait for plans until the day of either, so I don't blame you. If he is that type of a person, and you are more of a planner, this is a sign of things to come.

 

He should have made definite plans, e.g. Joe's Eatery at 8:00 PM, and then it would be fine for him to not communicate with you until the date.

 

Exactly.

 

Not setting the time/place together with zero communications in 3 days, all signalled that the date may not even be on.

 

I still made the date, just moved it for 1.5 hours due having made other plans. I even told him why and apoligozied but he seemed completely fine with that. Suggesting that I somehow "ruined" things forever with this guy due to moving the date that didn't have a time set by *1.5 hours* is beyond my realm of comprehension.

[S2B]

Next time you date a man - set the day, place and time when discussing getting together.

 

Problem solved.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Next time you date a man - set the day, place and time when discussing getting together.

 

Problem solved.

 

 

Actually, I tried. He specifically told me that "we will sort out the details later".

 

There was no problem with setting the date really, the problem stems from his overall lack of interest and me trying to pursue a low interest man.

 

Lesson learned.

[TheFinalWord]

Next time you date a man - set the day, place and time when discussing getting together.

 

Problem solved.

 

I think the guy should do this for the first few dates (exception for meeting long distance in woman's home town). But I might be a bit old fashioned.

[Dis]

Eh...dont worry about any of this anymore ES.

 

Its just one guy...he wasnt the right one...plenty of fish in the sea

 

Communication is really important to me too. (One of the many reasons I just broke up with my bf) But next time keep in mind that guys dont think the way we do...they dont know about all these rules

 

While our minds are running wild...wondering if they're still into us...they're probably just thinking about what they're going to have for dinner

 

Dont let the fears you have hold you back from having hope and trying to stay positive. Not every guy is a douche

 

In this case...everything worked out for the best....he wasnt into you...you werent into him...you both found out early on

 

Keep your chin up hun and move forward