Do people really have sex within the first 5 dates?!

[kismetkismet]

But it's the same question. How do you know someone is worthy of your efforts if you don't date them first?

 

If some guy give you his number you don't know him. How do you decide you are interested or not if you don't date him? You only base his worthiness on his looks?

 

 

Oops I was posting that while you were responding. Sorry I wasn't saying that I've ended up in a relationship with every guy I've gone on a date with. More that I've usually slept with guys after a few dates, but that i haven't been on 'a few dates' with that many people. I think with how some people do OLD, there are a lot more people going on lots and lots of dates and dating more than one person at once and that sort of thing. Definitely nothing wrong with that, just not how i did it due to being kind of a lazy dater. The guys that have asked me out in person I've always somewhat known - either through friends or work or something like that. I've never had someone come up to me off the street and ask me on a date.

[Jejangles]

When I met my boyfriend for the first time I had made up my mind before leaving I was not going to pursue. But on our first date he was such a gentleman and the following days too that I accepted a 2nd and 3rd date, still not knowing if I was interested.

 

Then we had sex and BOOM ! I saw him with different eyes. He metamorphosed in front of my eyes and from there I completely opened myself to him and to getting to know him.

 

This is similar to me and my boyfriend... We dated a month before sex. I wasn't sure how I felt about him, and also didn't want to jump into bed quickly because that hadn't worked out well for me in the past.

 

Then a month after our first date we had an at home date for the first time and that was the date everything changed. It took sex for me to realise we had amazing chemistry and almost six months later, that's still the case. He's the best guy I have ever dated and I am so happy I gave us a shot.

 

IMO the number one rule for adults delaying sex is what others have said: no in home dates! Keep your dates outside and don't put a timeline on things. Just move as feels right for you. The right guy will respect that.

[notmel]

Two to five dates seems to be the magic number. In my experience it has pretty much always been ladies choice as well.

[katiegrl]

This is how I look at it.

 

It takes months, six at least, or even longer to know someone. It takes sharing many many experiences together, ups and downs etc.

 

Not to mention, do we ever really know our partners? I mean really know them?

 

Gaeta you have been dating your boyfriend for seven months, and last week you admitted to not knowing many things about him....

 

So if a woman (or man) were to wait until they truly get to know someone, that could take many many months.

 

I say take a risk. You are attracted, you feel a connection, take a risk. No guaranty it will work out, but you could date years and have it not work out...

 

I go with my gut. When I have a good feeling about a man, we share a mutual chemistry and a strong connection, and we are both attracted (physically, sexually, emotionally) which for me has happened very quickly with all my LTRs, that is when I have sex.

 

NO guarantee it will work out, I have never looked it at that way. He may never call again for all I know. Even if you date for months to have sex, he may still disappear after sex, NO GUARANTEES.

 

Take a chance, take a risk. If you wait too long, the whole think may fizzle out.... or regress into a nice frienship.

[No_Go]

OLD is not a prerequisite for lots and lots of dates. I'm very introverted and when I was doing OLD, I'd not go on a date without establishing some sort of idea of the person via e-mail (text/phone do not work for me... ). So total of ~10 dates - 2 led to sex and LTRs, 1 some making out but he terminated, the rest I haven't physically touched beyond hand shake, polite hug or peck on the cheek

 

People I met offline / IRL... I think I've been to 3-4 dates or so, one led to sex and LTR, the rest I haven't touched at all. So the OLD / IRL ratio is very similar, at least in my case.

 

Oops I was posting that while you were responding. Sorry I wasn't saying that I've ended up in a relationship with every guy I've gone on a date with. More that I've usually slept with guys after a few dates, but that i haven't been on 'a few dates' with that many people. I think with how some people do OLD, there are a lot more people going on lots and lots of dates and dating more than one person at once and that sort of thing. Definitely nothing wrong with that, just not how i did it due to being kind of a lazy dater. The guys that have asked me out in person I've always somewhat known - either through friends or work or something like that. I've never had someone come up to me off the street and ask me on a date.

[Michelle ma Belle]

How old are you OP?

 

My views about dating and sex have changed DRAMATICALLY over the years. When I was younger I had a drawer full of 'rules' I had for dating and especially sex.

 

Some of that was fueled by insecurity, fears, and even more so by dogma (thanks to my Catholic upbringing). I have no real regrets about it because I think it served it's purpose at the time especially having been somewhat naive about who I was, who I wanted to be and the role sex played in and out of relationships.

 

Nowadays, I tossed those rules out the window along with a boatload of other prescribed doctrine and beliefs that I've since found stifling to my development as a woman and as a sexual being.

 

With age comes wisdom and I know myself very well so my views regarding dating and sex are more organic rather than anything contrived. That's just me...now...but everyone is different and everyone goes at their own pace.

 

I would also caution you that if this is your path, waiting for however long you feel is necessary, then be upfront about it with the men you date as well as take some responsibility for your actions in terms of leading them on sexually when you have no intentions of following through anytime soon.

 

Good luck.

[mizunomead]

Alot of people seem to have sex somewhere in that time frame. I am relatively new to the whole dating thing after being married my whole adult life.

Recently had sex with a woman i have gone out on multiple dates with. I had to think back...and yes, it was on date 5 lol...

But the simple answer is it happens when it happens. I am not too big on all of these different rules/games that seem to be out there. When your ready, your ready. When your not, you not. Really doesn't need to be any more complicated then that.

[kalika]

Guys....

 

I done messed up tonight I think ......

 

So I went to his place tonight. Was pretty unplanned/last minute decision. We slept together THREE TIMES. The sex was great, but it felt weird at the end, like he wasn't as affectionate and just wanted me to leave. I do know he has to work tomorrow though, I'm off and don't have to work. Maybe I'm just imagining it.. not sure though, but I'm old enough to trust my instincts either way. He texted me after I left, saying he should have walked me out and he felt bad. I responded with "no worries, goodnight." It was kind of passive aggressive of me, but I just felt numb and immediately went into self protection mode because I didn't like the way things ended. I just really didn't feel good walking out the door.

 

I'm not going to call or text him tomorrow. I'm going to leave the ball in his court from here on out.

 

Argh I hate dating, I hate it so much. I'm done. I don't want to get hurt right now and I'm about to.

 

To make everything worse, not only am I mad at myself for just having sex with him, but the last time we did, we didn't use protection. I am going to have to hunt for some Plan B now. Why am I so freaking stupid?!?!?

 

I have no idea if he's sleeping with other people, or if he's dating other people... no clue.... we never talked about exclusivity or anything... god I feel so dumb right now. 1am and I'm kicking myself in the ass big time.

Edited June 21, 2016 by kalika

[redbaron007]

...

 

Argh I hate dating, I hate it so much. I'm done. I don't want to get hurt right now and I'm about to.

 

To make everything worse, not only am I mad at myself for just having sex with him, but the last time we did, we didn't use protection. I am going to have to hunt for some Plan B now. Why am I so freaking stupid?!?!?

 

I have no idea if he's sleeping with other people, or if he's dating other people... no clue.... we never talked about exclusivity or anything... god I feel

so dumb right now. 1am and I'm kicking myself in the ass big time.

 

Plan B may avoid an unwanted pregnancy but what if he passed on a STD? Please get yourself tested for STD...why did you not insist on the love-glove on the "last" instance?

[MissBee]

Guys,

 

I've been reading a lot of dating threads and it seems pretty common to have sex with the person by date 3, 4 or 5 - maybe even sooner - and even before any exclusivity talk.

 

Last night, I went on date #3 with this guy I met online. We see each other once or twice a week so far. Last night was a comedy show, then out for drinks and then back to his place. I admit we got pretty hot but I slowed it down and we didn't have any type of actual sex. But now I'm seriously wondering, am I abnormal to not want to have sex within the first month at least?? I feel like we barely know each other, but we're starting to open up to each other a bit finally.

 

I had mentioned that I don't like to rush, it's a big deal for me to even call someone my "boyfriend". To me, a boyfriend is someone that I actually see a future with, otherwise I won't be dating him or making him my boyfriend .. and I don't want to have sex without exclusivity. He did mention at one point that he doesn't date multiple people, but I'm not interested in taking any chances and either way, I don't know him well enough to feel comfortable being naked and vulnerable in front of him.

 

I really want to get to know him first, and I want him to really get to know me first. I'm not ready for sex and might not be for a month or two, depending on the pace we go and whether we're exclusive or not. Am I delusional or is immediate sex the new normal?? Is it too much to ask him to wait at least a month or so???

 

It's perfectly normal to wait for sex.

 

Who cares what other folks are doing? If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it. Sex is very personal. It is your body. It comes with lots of emotional and even health risks and therefore you need to be true to you when making such a decision versus seeing what everyone else is doing. People do A LOT of things that don't make sense, so don't always look to what everyone is doing, especially in the world of dating.

 

More regret will likely come from diving in too soon rather than waiting to get to know him or waiting for something more established. I've had sex early on in dating and relationships and would honestly say that more regrets have come from it than necessarily it being a positive thing. It's not bad necessarily to have sex early on if you truly want to and aren't using it as a bargaining chip to get a relationship. But if you already have reservations and that isn't your style, that is PERFECTLY reasonable and any man who likes you for you and isn't in it just for sex will not make a huge deal out of it.

[Els]

To answer your question, OP, it really depends on the culture you are dating in. In some cultures sex within 5 dates is pretty normal, but in others it's much more common to wait months or even years. Can't give you a definite answer without knowing where you live and the demographics you date in.

 

But regardless, you should always do what you feel comfortable with. No point forcing yourself to have sex earlier than you're comfortable - it'll just feel awkward and forced.

[BlueIris]

Guys....

 

I done messed up tonight I think ......

 

So I went to his place tonight. Was pretty unplanned/last minute decision. We slept together THREE TIMES. The sex was great, but it felt weird at the end, like he wasn't as affectionate and just wanted me to leave. I do know he has to work tomorrow though, I'm off and don't have to work. Maybe I'm just imagining it.. not sure though, but I'm old enough to trust my instincts either way. He texted me after I left, saying he should have walked me out and he felt bad. I responded with "no worries, goodnight." It was kind of passive aggressive of me, but I just felt numb and immediately went into self protection mode because I didn't like the way things ended. I just really didn't feel good walking out the door.

 

I'm not going to call or text him tomorrow. I'm going to leave the ball in his court from here on out.

 

Argh I hate dating, I hate it so much. I'm done. I don't want to get hurt right now and I'm about to.

 

To make everything worse, not only am I mad at myself for just having sex with him, but the last time we did, we didn't use protection. I am going to have to hunt for some Plan B now. Why am I so freaking stupid?!?!?

 

I have no idea if he's sleeping with other people, or if he's dating other people... no clue.... we never talked about exclusivity or anything... god I feel so dumb right now. 1am and I'm kicking myself in the ass big time.

 

I’m sorry to hear that. Take the time you need. Get the Plan B, do what you have to for you. Go slowly. It's ok. You’re not stupid. You regret something and that’s ok, human, natural. Peel off all of the “shoulds” and just let yourself be you.

 

Don’t “leave the ball in his court” IF that means that he decides your trajectory. You decide and you choose for yourself, always. Do what’s right for you.

[joseb]

Plan B may avoid an unwanted pregnancy but what if he passed on a STD? Please get yourself tested for STD...why did you not insist on the love-glove on the "last" instance?

 

Maybe he only had two???

 

Yeah I was about to reply all Good OP, I don;t think anything is up, till I read about the unprotected -

maybe he is pretty worried about that too?

[kalika]

I'm going to get Plan B, but I was worried about STDs too and I'm sure he is also. I don't have anything, I was last tested only a few months ago but I've only had one partner in the last 3 years. Of course, this conversation didn't come up yesterday, I'm not sure if he will bring it up. Not even sure he will text me at this point. Who knows.

 

Totally beating myself up this morning.

[katiegrl]

I'm going to get Plan B, but I was worried about STDs too and I'm sure he is also. I don't have anything, I was last tested only a few months ago but I've only had one partner in the last 3 years. Of course, this conversation didn't come up yesterday, I'm not sure if he will bring it up. Not even sure he will text me at this point. Who knows.

 

Totally beating myself up this morning.

 

Do you think the outcome would be different if you had waited, say another month?

 

The guy is a cad. He would be the same cad after sex had you waited.

 

Perhaps you should be thankful you found out sooner rather than later, before you became too emotionally invested.

 

Think about how you would feel had you waited another month and then he behaved this way...

 

You took a risk .... had you waited, you would still be taking a risk.

 

Remember, no guarantees ever. After one date, five dates or five months.

 

If a man is inclined to leave after sex, it would not matter how long you waited...

 

So stop beating yourself up, except for maybe the no protection part. Obviously you wanted to have sex so you did, you took a chance. Unless you want to live under a rock for the rest of your life, there will be risks with everything you, no matter how long you wait.

 

I am sorry you feel badly though, but now you know the type of man he is and can move away from him.

 

Frankly again I think it is a good thing you found out now instead of investing more time and feelings, you would have felt worse later, had you waited and he did this, which he would have because he is just a cad.

Edited June 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Guys....

 

I done messed up tonight I think ......

 

So I went to his place tonight. Was pretty unplanned/last minute decision. We slept together THREE TIMES. The sex was great, but it felt weird at the end, like he wasn't as affectionate and just wanted me to leave. I do know he has to work tomorrow though, I'm off and don't have to work. Maybe I'm just imagining it.. not sure though, but I'm old enough to trust my instincts either way. He texted me after I left, saying he should have walked me out and he felt bad. I responded with "no worries, goodnight." It was kind of passive aggressive of me, but I just felt numb and immediately went into self protection mode because I didn't like the way things ended. I just really didn't feel good walking out the door.

 

I'm not going to call or text him tomorrow. I'm going to leave the ball in his court from here on out.

 

Argh I hate dating, I hate it so much. I'm done. I don't want to get hurt right now and I'm about to.

 

To make everything worse, not only am I mad at myself for just having sex with him, but the last time we did, we didn't use protection. I am going to have to hunt for some Plan B now. Why am I so freaking stupid?!?!?

 

I have no idea if he's sleeping with other people, or if he's dating other people... no clue.... we never talked about exclusivity or anything... god I feel so dumb right now. 1am and I'm kicking myself in the ass big time.

 

It was so easy for you to jump in bed with him I am wondering if your initial post was just you looking for approbation to have sex early.

 

If you feel like having sex - have it. It's part of life.

[katiegrl]

It was so easy for you to jump in bed with him I am wondering if your initial post was just you looking for approbation to have sex early.

 

If you feel like having sex - have it. It's part of life.

 

Yup, and remember ....no guarantees he will stick around no matter how long you wait.

 

Many men on this board, and in the real world, have attested to not knowing what they want with a particular woman *until* they have sex..

 

Not all men, but many. Read these threads, it has been discussed many times.

 

So as Gaeta said, you want to have sex? Have sex! Which you did, no regrets.

 

I have never regretted anything I do in life. Life is full of risks and uncertainies.

 

It doesn't work out? I simply move on and if there is a lesson to be learned , I learn it and take what I have learned into my next relationship.

 

But don't wait to have sex cuz you think it somehow guarantees a guy won't leave afterwards or even treat you decently....

 

It won't. If he is a cad after five dates, he will be the same cad after 20....

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yup, and remember ....no guarantees he will stick around no matter how long you wait.

 

Many men on this board, and in the real world, have attested to not knowing what they want with a particular woman *until* they have sex..

 

Not all men, but many. Read these threads, it has been discussed many times.

 

So as Gaeta said, you want to have sex? Have sex! Which you did, no regrets.

 

I have never regretted anything I do in life. Life is full of risks and uncertainies.

 

It doesn't work out? I simply move on and if there is a lesson to be learned , I learn it and take what I have learned into my next relationship.

 

But don't wait to have sex cuz you think it somehow guarantees a guy won't leave afterwards or even treat you decently....

 

It won't. If he is a cad after five dates, he will be the same cad after 20....

 

I knew of a woman that based on previous relationships and an early, 1 year marriage, that she dated guys that were nice to her and treated her well, but once they got sex...they became the indifferent, apathetic, unromantic boyfriend over the marriage or years while dating exclusively.

 

She was taken for granted.

 

So it became a have sex, roll over and go to sleep situation with each guy that she was with.

 

After all that, she was attempting to wait a little too long for sex because her fear of intimacy was entrenched based on her previous relationships/marriage.

 

But I am thinking these guys were going through the motions of being the wonderful guy she was dating, be it 5 dates or several dates...that either way, once they got what they wanted...they turned into this apathetic boyfriend.

 

But hey...at least they stuck around, right?

[katiegrl]

I knew of a woman that based on previous relationships and an early, 1 year marriage, that she dated guys that were nice to her and treated her well, but once they got sex...they became the indifferent, apathetic, unromantic boyfriend over the marriage or years while dating exclusively.

 

She was taken for granted.

 

So it became a have sex, roll over and go to sleep situation with each guy that she was with.

 

After all that, she was attempting to wait a little too long for sex because her fear of intimacy was entrenched based on her previous relationships/marriage.

 

But I am thinking these guys were going through the motions of being the wonderful guy she was dating, be it 5 dates or several dates...that either way, once they got what they wanted...they turned into this apathetic boyfriend.

 

--

 

But hey...at least they stuck around, right?

 

Not sure if you were being facetious with that last sentence but no!

 

Not if he is sticking around just until he gets sex, hell I would rather be alone than spend time with a jerk like that...

[GunslingerRoland]

That is a good point, you are giving him very mixed signals, going to his place and making out after only 3 dates when you don't plan to have sex with him for weeks.

 

Nm, you weren't giving him mixed signals, you were lying to yourself.

 

 

I think it's a bit like eating healthy.

 

 

If you say, I'm not going to eat anything unhealthy, nothing but vegetables and whole grains and chicken breast, it's only a matter of time until you crack and gorge yourself on unhealthy food. But if you eat a well balanced diet with a moderation of treats, it's sustainable.

 

 

Same with sex, if you plan to not have sex with the person you are lusting for, for months, that isn't an attainable goal. And you end up cracking... it happened, it's unfortunate that it seems to have brought out the negative side of him, but hopefully you've learned something to move forward.

[BlueIris]

Nah, some people really do view having sex as being different from eating pizza, and there’s nothing wrong with them.

 

OP, Try not to beat yourself up. I’m glad you're getting Plan B. That will give you some peace of mind.

 

I just want to reiterate that regardless of what happened, you still choose what you want and there’s nothing wrong with you. So listen to your own voice and feel solid about whatever you choose. The experience with him left you feeling bad and you’ve learned more about this guy now so decide accordingly no matter how that may be.

 

I read back on some of the posts in this thread and there are some really disturbing ones. Just like decades ago, you still see people making negative assumptions about people who don’t conform to their sexual beliefs and standards. Whether it’s the old sex police or the new sex police, some people just don’t respect individual choice and will speculate that there must be something wrong with people who aren’t like them or don't adhere to their norms- that they have hangups, serious issues, aren’t sincere, must be manipulating. It’s completely contrary to the goals of the sexual revolution, freedom of choice and respect for individuals. While it used to be applied to people who did have sex, some now apply it to people who don’t have sex or who wait, but it’s the same old snooty judginess and pressure. See it for what it is.

[AMJ]

Don't beat yourself up over any of this, you're human. I have a feeling that he's reacting to your own anxiety about having sex sooner than you wanted to- do you think that's a possibility? If he acted awkward, were you also acting awkward?

[kalika]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for posting. I did end up getting Plan B. He did also text me today asking how I am. When I responded, he immediately said, "Doing good. I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive but are you on birth control?" I told him that I just took a Plan B and that I don't have anything. He told me that he's not worried about STDs as much as the pregnancy part. I told him I'm not taking any chances on that.

 

I had told him something last night that was deeply personal, and he had told me he was OK with it even though I didn't go into depth to explain it (something medical).. but then after the texts re: the birth control stuff, he texted, "I have some questions about what you showed me yesterday. I don't understand what it is. And how it affects your life. I've never heard of or seen that before. I'm just trying to understand."

 

We agreed to talk more about it later, not over texts, but part of me is really dreading this talk .. does he even really care anymore? Is he just looking for an excuse to bail? I'm not really sure about his feelings at this point. We were really digging each other before that. He was really excited for me to come over last night. I'm just feeling really confused right now.

[kalika]

Don't beat yourself up over any of this, you're human. I have a feeling that he's reacting to your own anxiety about having sex sooner than you wanted to- do you think that's a possibility? If he acted awkward, were you also acting awkward?

I don't think I was being awkward.. he wasn't really either. It was more just awkward when I asked him if he was tired, and then he said no .. about 10-15 mins later, he was like, "I really should get to sleep.." He had to work the next day (I am off all this week).. then he didn't walk me out to my car, but texted me when I left saying that he felt bad and that he should have walked me out.

[Dirt]

I'm a guy. I wait ~2 months which works out to 10+ dates. I want to make sure we are exclusive, make sure multiple forms of birth control are being used, and that I know the last time they had sex and the last time they were tested and that they are clean. As much as I'd like to do it sooner, the risks just aren't worth it to me and I can handle things on my own until then